So.
My husband comes home.
Limping.
Me: Hey. What’s new?
LJ (short for Lumberjack . . . keep up, people!): Nothing.
Me: Why are you limping?
LJ: I’m not.
Interruption:
Yes, he was limping, readers. I must get to the bottom of this.
Why, you may ask?
Well, this blatant lie and denial of injury reminds me of an incident that occurred a few years ago. I found my husband, home alone, injured, and laying on the couch. After much coaxing and nagging on my end, I discovered he had, in fact, impaled himself on a metal stake.
You can understand why I felt the need to uncover his reason for limping, no?
Back to the story at hand.
LJ: Ok. I got in a car accident.
Me: What?! Why didn’t you call me?
LJ: Because. It was no big deal.
At this point, children come running from all locations wondering if “Daddy got in a car wreck and is Daddy dead?”
Brilliant, aren’t they?
My husband decides to enlighten us.
He, along with a friend, drove off to buy a pig. I told you about this latest idea of his, readers. The idea to mix the pork meat with the deer meat in hopes of creating a super, new fantastic meat called “porkisen.”
Do you get it? It’s like “pork” and “venison” combined! I just made it up! Ha!
They take the friend’s truck and trailer to go and get this pig.
LJ: Ok, Taylor. You know how when you butcher a pig, it is normally like, 200 pounds?
Me: No. No one knows that.
LJ: Well, this pig was 400 pounds.
Me: Why did you buy a 400 pound pig?
LJ: Just listen. This pig is so heavy that it is pulling down the back of the trailer to make it fishtail. Do you get it?
For the record, Lumberjill has no idea what “fishtailing” means.
Me: Is the pig alive?
LJ: Yes, Taylor. We still have to butcher it.
Me: What is wrong with you? You are just driving down the road with a pig running around the back of a trailer?
LJ: Well, the pig is not running. It’s just sitting there. Anyways, the trailer fishtails and causes the truck to turn completely around and flip over on it’s side.
Me: What?!
LJ: Yeah! Ha! Anyways, we weren’t hurt so we climbed through a window and guess what?!
Me: What?
LJ: The pig was loose!
This is my life, readers.
This.
Is.
My.
Life.
Attention Readers: Did you see a redneckish man running down a highway chasing his soon-to-be-butchered 400 pound pig recently?
Chances are, it was my husband.
Hands off, ladies.
He’s all mine.
LJ: But we couldn’t get the pig back in the trailer until we flipped the truck and trailer back up.
Me: You just lifted it back up! How strong are you?
I mean I knew he had muscles.
He has invited me to the “gun show” from time to time.
But lifting trucks? Those ain’t guns.
Those are weapons of mass destruction.
(I will speak more of that photo in a bit.)
LJ: Well it was kind of on a bank, so it wasn’t that hard. It was fine. We got it.
Me: And the pig? Did you have to lasso it?
LJ: We herded it in with some wood from the trailer.
Me: Classy.
LJ: But when I jumped over the trailer at one point, I fell and landed on my keys and hurt my thigh. Which is why I am limping.
Me: Do you need to go to the hospital?
LJ: Heck, no!
Me: Alright. So where is the pig now?
LJ: At the butcher.
Me: Poor pig.
LJ: Whatever, Taylor.
Dear readers. I now know too much about this pig and his/her life to ever taste it.
***
In other news, I tried to leave early this morning for a haircut and my ginormous rig wouldn’t start.
It was too cold.
Looks like I am going to have to start plugging the rig in again.
Made me 15 minutes late for my appointment.
Fickle beast.
***
About the photo:
David’s sister took this picture of him when they were fishing. He has always hated it because he feels the fish is nothing to brag about. As a joke, his sister put it on the “brag wall” at the local sportman’s store.
The Lumberjack, also known as David, went there in a huff and tore it down.
Daisy Mae begged for it.
And then she made it into a Christmas ornament.
Holla, Daisy Mae!
Holla!
***
This week’s COW (comment of the week) goes to Jill.
I totally sympathize with the picture-taking episode. And we have also had extensive discussions at our house that involved racks and spreads and then we measured and compared and discussed some more. (Just for clarification, my rack was neither measured, compared or discussed. Thank you.)
Jill! What kind of racks are you talking about?!
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Happy Weekend!
Oh my goodness. This post had me giggling the entire way through. Muhahaha.
By the way, you have a typo. It says “Hands of, ladies.”
And I love Daisy May’s Christmas ornament.
Thanks, babe! Fixed it!
Your life is proof that truth is, indeed, stranger than fiction.
Also?
Way funnier!
Taylor, I can’t believe you didn’t ask if the pig had a name. I’m pretty sure you did though, cuz I think I know you that well, and you probably just forgot to write that part in your post. So, what was the pigs name? Let’s just call him Otis for now. I wonder what Otis’s thoughts were when the trailer was flipping over and he was “pigapulted” (like catapulted but with a pig) out onto the highway.
“Pigapulted” BAHAHAHA. Love it!
What is drawn on David’s belly?
Perhaps Daisy Mae felt he needed a tattoo? 🙂
i was wondering the same thing…ha haaa
I agree truth is stranger than fiction. Your LJ is a manly man. Don’t worry my hands are off. Wow flipping over a truck all by himself.
By the way – I did have visions of your LJ chasing a pig while helicopters hovered overhead to display his redneck ways for all to see. Oh wait, he doesn’t need helicopters overhead. He has this here blog to lay it out for all to see (or read). Although, many of your stories seem so far out there, that they are hard to believe. Yet, we know you are telling the truth and that’s what makes reading it so funny.
I can always count on you to put a smile on my face each day. Your life is too funny.
Wow! I think you have officially outdone yourself. I don’t have any pig stories, well, not any of my own, thank goodness!
Ok, so really, if you were a 400 lb pig, with enough smarts to cause a trailer to fishtail, then flip a truck…would you not run for your life when you flipped said vehicle?
Poor pig, I think he deserved to live.
Oh well, maybe he will taste good 😉
But, are pigs like chickens, in that if they get old and big they don’t taste good? We had a big ol’ rooster named OOGlie (ugly in kid speak). When we tried to eat him, it was like eating shoe leather. Will Otis the pig make Bambi’s dad taste good, or perhaps it will be tougher…? You need a fridge full of buttermilk. Maybe I should send you some for Christmas.
Yeah all this is just comical and so hard to believe. Where we live he’d be in jail for half of these antics…..never a dull moment 🙂 he keeps life interesting that’s for sure!!!!
My best friend from college husband and father have a HUGE hog operation . A man came to get a hog to butcher so her dad offered to shoot it for him and ended up shooting the guy in the knee. Hogs are trouble makers!
Taylor, you totally make me laugh. As a hunting widow this weekend, I feel your pain. I told my husband about LJ getting his deer so quick, to which he immediately told me of a year he got a deer right off, and the whole season was anticlimactic.
Did I tell you this story has been told to me for the last 15 years? Did you know it requires a measure of love to hear a story about shooting a deer and actually ear notching it for 15 years? I mean, yes, it’s funny, but I’m sick of hearing it!
Ok. I’m through complaining.
For now. I make no promises for 15 minutes from now.
love the header pic. and the story. a 400 lb. pig. wish you had a picture of that on an ornament.
Wow! I got the COW because I was commenting on my rack. I mean I wasn’t commenting on my rack. Whatever.
I find it more than slightly humorous that LJ was in a car accident, flipped the trailer over, lost and chased and captured a 400 pound pig, and was limping because he fell over on his keys.
I know, really, out of all that it was the keys that got him!?
Does your husband read your blog? Because that would somehow make these stories even funnier. 🙂
Best story ever.
So after a flipped over truck accident, he hurt himself falling on his keys? I thought I was the only one who hurt myself in silly ways? (Just had a 4.2 earthquake, and AFTER the ground stopped shaking, I randomly walked into the counter corner and cut my stomach open. Either we need to do something about my stupidity, or that sharp edge).
And that fish story? CLASSIC! Got to love little sisters!
(Sorry, I am still laughing at your header photo in which your littlest is wailing – I know it’s not nice, but every Mommy has been there. I’m laughing WITH you).
I had to come read the blog that made Ostrich’s morning sickness worse.
Too funny!!
Heirloom quilt… Hang one over your bed- make up a fake great-grandmother who stitched it. It can protect you from an over-the-bed trophy.
The new photo at the top is making me laugh! Poor dude.
Loved the pig story. Loved the fish story. Wish I could have been a fly on the wall of the store where it was posted when he came in to rip it off.
One time when I was teaching at a high school in another ruralville, far away from your ruralville. I was minding my own business giving my students a test. All of the sudden we heard a great ruckus outside the door of my classroom. A sheep had gotten loose and several students and a teacher were trying to catch it. The SAME day, we noticed smoke coming from one of the back closets in my classroom. Turns out the AG teacher hadn’t turned on the exhaust fan while he was welding. Exciting things happen when your classroom adjoins the AG annex.
My life is boring now.
Have a great week, and don’t freeze your patootie off!
I can just imagine the pig running around with 2 men running after it. I would’ve just shot it; it’s going to be slaughtered anyway, right? 😀
I HAVE seen a redneckish man running down a highway chasing a large pig recently!!! actually, there were two men, it was one of the strangest things i have seen on the highway. actually, one of the strangest things i have ever seen. they were running down the grassy median between the north and south lanes. i had to wonder, 1-how the pig escaped, 2-how they thought they were going to capture the pig, and 3-how it was not going to end in tragedy with either the pig or the men getting run over by a car. i always wondered what came of the situation. i wanted to exit the highway and head back in the direction of the pig and men. my husband vetoed that idea.
i know it wasn’t your husband, though, because we live in the south. and, there is rarely snow down here and we don’t refer to directions in terms of heading to or from canada 🙂
I sooooo wish I would have seen that in real life. That would have made my day.
Although, your story pretty much made my day too. Yeah you!
Ha ha…still laughing.
I also love the pic…yeah for Daisy Mae. I might do that for a Christmas craft this year. Is that mean??
Hey! Guess what occurred to me last night?
Pork + venison
Po + ison
Poison!
Don’t eat it!
I wasn’t aware that anyone actually plugged cars in in that state where your from! How very un-redneck-like of you!
Wow! That is SOME pig story. That sounds crazy, but it also sounded extremely hilarious! haha…..
I don’t know how I missed this story! Hilarious.
Once I was stuck on the highway in bad traffic and there was a pig-carrying truck right beside me and a little ahead. One pig fell out of the side (seriously? They ought to check those slats.) and a man in the car in front of me got out and put the pig in his car!! Was that your husband?