I know I still have some questions to answer, but I must inform you of a recent happenstance.
This post, of which I am about to write, is guaranteed to make you feel better about your day.
Maybe.
Before we proceed, I must warn you that this post shall talk about poop.
A lot.
Since I consider myself a lady, I shall not be littering this page with “poop” this and “poop” that. No. I am far too high-class for that business.
From here on out, “poop” shall be referred to as “the unmentionable.”
Even though I have already mentioned it many times thus far.
***
Earlier today, Handsome Dude walked by me and said, “Hi, Mom! I not smell poop!”
(I know, I know. But it would be weird if he called poop, “the unmentionable.” I shall call it the unmentionable starting now.)
(I promise. Don’t leave.)
I looked at him and did a visual check for “the unmentionable.” Since I didn’t see anything amiss, I went back to loading the camp trailer.
You may ask, “Taylor! Have you not met your son, Handsome Dude? Warning! Danger! Something is wrong!”
I know, dear readers. I know. But when a gal, such as myself, is getting her family of six ready for a weekend of wilderness fun, she tends to remain vigiliant on her tasks at hand.
A little while later, I noticed the bathroom door was locked. Trust me, this is not rare with my dudes.
Have you met them?
Anyways. Who has time to prompty unlock a bathroom door? Certainly not me. So, I went about my camping tasks, when I noticed a foul order permeating from the aforementioned locked bathroom.
The odor was unmentionable.
(Do you get it?)
So, I went to find the metal thingie that my husband supplied me with for emergencies such as this.
You KNOW, readers! The metal thingie. It’s like . . .long . . . and thin? And you stick it in the door? And you wiggle a lot and poof! the door unlocks.
Well, I couldn’t find it. But I did find a random twig laying on the ground. I would like to say this is rare, but we all know that would be a lie.
The twig was long and thin and looked eerily like a metal thingie. So, I tried that and darn my luck the twig broke off and became lodged in the door handle where it still sits there at this very hour.
No! I did not tell my husband! I am hoping he will never notice. And if he does notice, he will probably figure one of the dudes did it.
Have you met them?
Lucky for us, he doesn’t read this blog, so we’ll just keep the whole twig incident between us.
Finally, I found the metal thing and was able to open the door.
And would you like to know what I found when I opened that door?
The largest “unmentionable” known to man sitting right there on the bathroom floor, mere inches away from the toilet.
It was so large, I did not know from whence it could have come. But after a bit of deductive reasoning and the process of elimination (no pun intended), I determined the unmentionable item had to have come from Handsome Dude.
But, why?
He has never unmentioned anything on the floor in the past. And why did he choose to unmention mere inches from the toilet?
So, I cornered my Handsome Dude.
Me: Dude. Mommy saw the bathroom.
HD (short for Handsome Dude . . . keep up, people!) What bafroom?
Me: The guest bathroom.
(Attention all would-be guests to Ruralville. You might want to do a sanitation check before using our hospitable, guest bathroom. Over and out.)
HD: Mommy’s bafroom?
Me: No, the guest bathroom.
HD: The downstairs bafroom?
Me: No, the guest bathroom. Mommy saw what was in there.
HD: Huh?
Me: I want you to tell me what happened. I want you to tell me the truth. You won’t be in trouble, just don’t lie to me.
HD: Ummm . . . I think Cokey peed in there? I not know?
Me: Buddy. I saw it. Don’t lie. Just tell the truth.
HD: I not know. Nufing happened? I not know.
So, my dude declined to tell the truth at first, but finally he owned up to it.
HD: I was going potty and I was standing and then I just had to go poo and I not stop it and it went on the floor!
(cry, wail, sob)
HD: And I try to pick it up and it was too hard.
(cry, wail, sob)
Me: So you just locked the door and left?
HD: Yes!
(cry, wail, sob)
Me: Did you wash your hands?
HD: No! Why?
*sigh*
So, today was a funky adventure.
I’m sorry for all the bathroom talk.
Good night.
PS-Diet Vanilla Pepsi is God’s gift to diet sodas.
PPS-It smells like up-dog in here.
Two posts in one day? You are amazing! Of course, I can see why you felt led to share this story!! Thank you for giving me such laughter at the end of my day! S-up Dog?
Not much, what’s up with you?
ha!
Yes. I know I am lame.
Why was it so big? What have you been feeding that boy?
Actually, ignore that first question. I don’t want to think about it.
Poor Dude! Sometimes unmentionables just happen on floor. I’m sure he really did try to pick it up but it was probably just wee hard and wee heavy. The size of the thing alone probably just scared the bejeezes out of him.
Gross!!! But still funny. 🙂
Thank you for sharing a picture of your adorable H.D. and L.D.! What a couple of cuties! And THANK YOU for NOT sharing a picture of the unmentionable. From your description, I do not think it would qualify to be called “cute”…coult possibly be called “record-breaking-from-such-a-little-person” but definitely not “cute”. Unless you are into that kind of thing.
Sigh. Are you sure you haven’t been spying on me and just claiming my story as your own? 🙂 Seriously have been through almost the exact same thing, other than no locked door. Sometimes I look at my kids and wonder “How? How in the world did you create such an unmentionable?” I’m glad I’m not the only one.
We had a long issue with eliminating on the floor. Now, if he’s successful and all goes in the toilet, we give him a marshmallow. HAS. SAVED. MY. SANITY. Judge me if you want. Bribery is where it’s at. Besides I doubt I’ll have to continue to bribe him his whole life. 🙂
What in the world is wrong with saying the word poop? It’s certainly a lot better than some of the alternatives!
LOL to the story, though. Every single child has a good poop story, BTW. My Chicky has her own, but I won’t share since this here blog is all about you.
BTW, did you get out your handy dandy pooper scooper to clean it up…you know…the one you use for Lucy?
I don’t clean up Lucy’s unmentionables. I’ve got enough problems.
ummm………nevermind!
I am trying to potty train my little dude and let me tell you it is NOT going well. He has been using his little potty to throw down the steps and over the railing instead of using it the proper way. This morning I found the toilet seat in my room, the squishy seat part in his room, the toilet bowl in my daughter’s room and the rest of the toilet base at the bottom of the stairs. Then he yells “NO POTTY!” Any help would be fabulous. And before you ask, I also have a little cars seat for the real potty and a stool, so he can choose to go in either. I am trying to bribe him as well. He is making my hair gray prematurely! Good luck Taylor with two dudes, my one is killing me.
Ohmigosh! That is hilarious. So glad you feel compelled share unmentionables with us…Speaking of which, I showed my unmentionables to an entire crowd yesterday. So that was embarrassing….
You what? I am trying to figure out how that could have happened . . . 😉
Oh. Ew. And now you get to go camping. You are a lucky girl Taylor Malablahblah : )
I too have 4 children, and it never ceases to amaze me, the size of the unmentionables that they can produce. How did that even fit in their little tummies?!
I agree with Debra, THANK YOU for not sharing a picture of the unmentionable….I’m eating lunch here!! This story is priceless!! What fun your going to have with this story when he is potty training his own kids!!
I’m eating lunch too and about spit sandwich all over the keyboard I was laughing so hard!
I’m going to thank every deity i existence right now to thank them for giving me 2 little girls. Both of which are obsessed with washing their hands every chance they get.
I am so, so sorry. Gross.
As I am sure that you are still completely shuddering with grossness shivers, no worries! At least he TRIED to clean it up for you!
And now, excuse me while I go throw up!
Is it bad that the first thing that pops in my mind is a mock version of Proud To Be An American?
“And I’m proud to be a girl here, where I know I’m free to pee – and if I wish to unmentionable, there’s no turning ’round for me. And I’ll proudly stand UP! Next to the toilet and flush it once again…”
I’m horrible.
And I guess it would be “proudly sit down on this toilet” rather than stand up next to it. Annnnnd NOW I’ve taken it too far! I’m done.
Sorry for the crappy day.
No really, I’ll go now.
“Sorry for the CRAPPY day.”
bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Was that pun intended?? 🙂
Unfortunately. I’m a bit of a potty mouth.
HAHAHAHAHA! I love this. This is going to make a GREAT embarrass the groom wedding story someday, you do realize that right? Especially his response to your handwashing question, which nearly made me spit out my drink. HAHA! That picture of them is SO adorable. Love it.
Oh my goodness, Taylor! You are amazing! And how funny that he tried to blame the dog! I might have gone for that angle myself a few years ago!
i hope andi is talking about her other “unmentionables”…HA!
and i have an “unmentionable” story that i could NEVER tell anyone else EVER, i shall take it to my grave!!! my hubby has heard it but he is sworn to secrecy under threat of death!!!
What’s up, dog?!
😀
Yes! Thank you!
Not much, what’s up with you?
Ah. Funny.
now i get it
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my six months of motherhood so far it’s that “unmentionable happens” and when it happens where it’s supposed to happen it’s a good day. Here’s to all the unmentionables in your house happening where they should be in the future! 🙂