I had an appointment with the dermatologist this week.
Not the crazy, mean, irrational dermatologist.
But my kind, new, and helpful dermatologist.
Kind, new, and helpful dermatologist has encouraged me to start accutane.
You might ask,
“Taylor, what, pray tell, is accutane?”
Well, I will tell you this . . .
Accutane is a super intense acne medication.
Holy raviolis, this is one annoying pill to take.
Why?
I’ll tell you why.
Because I have been trying to start this process since early December but first had to go to the lab to get blood work drawn but first I had to find someone to watch the kids (because I didn’t think it would be ideal to bring 4 children to a lab where they were taking my blood) but then the doctor had forgotten to tell me to fast so I went in for nothing then I had to go in again then I had to get the results then the nurse had waited to long to call me so they were all null and void then I had to take a pregnancy test then I had to see the gynecologist (sorry male readers) then I had to state my two forms of birth control then they waited too long so my pregnancy test was null and void then I had to take another pregnancy test then I forgot my special book, but in my defense they never told me I had to bring my special book with me everywhere I go, then I had to wait a month and then I had to create an online account with the government and then I had to answer 2.7 million questions about accutane then I had to go and take another pregnancy test and then I finally got the A-OK to start so then I went to the pharmacist but then no one had told me I had to bring my special card, which is conveniently located in my special book, then I had to come back, but I had to make sure I came back within the specific time window that the secret government account told me I had to come back in then I had to take a pregnancy test then I went to the pharmacist then he couldn’t give me my prescription because the nurse had entered my birthdate in wrong so then he had to get that all fixed then I had to come back then I finally got my prescription filled and I have been on accutane for one full month and my skin is a dry, dry desert and my skin is peeling and my lips are cracking and I am super uncomfortable and if I smile too quickly my lips start to bleed.
Seriously, folks.
My lips hurt!
Accutane.
It’s not for the faint of heart.
So, on Monday, I have to go for my check up.
And with me, as always, are the dudes.
Hooray!
So, they take me back to the exam room.
Question.
Why do they make you sit in the exam room for so long?
What is wrong with the waiting room?
You know.
The waiting room where there are toys and books for children to play with.
But, no.
Let’s make this mother sit in the exam room filled with untouchables and the round, swirling doctor’s chair of death, while she waits for the doctor.
Yes.
That’s a great plan.
So, I sit and I wait.
And I discipline boys.
And I wait.
And while I wait, I think upon things.
Things such as:
A) Why are my boys so naughty?
B) When was the last time this floor was cleaned?
C) I think I will go to Target later.
D) Why do I still have acne? I am 28.
E) Where are Handsome Dude’s glasses?
F) Why is that stupid round chair in here?
G) Why are my boys so naughty?
H) Where are Handsome Dude’s spare pair of glasses?
I) Why are my boys hitting each other?
J) There is no way I am taking them to Target later.
Finally, the nurse comes in.
She asks me the following questions:
1) Does your skin feel dry?
2) Are your eyes dry?
3) Do you have nosebleeds?
4) Do you have blood in your stools?
(Um . . . gross.)
5) Do you feel depressed?
6) Do you have thoughts of harming yourself?
7) Do you feel fatigued?
8) Are your lips dry?
9) Are you having severe stomach pains?
10) Any chest pain?
Um.
Excuse me?
What kind of horror pill am I taking?
So, then she has to draw blood for the 1.2 million tests they need to test me on.
Nurse: You remembered to fast, right?
Me: No one told me to fast.
Nurse: Oh. Well you were supposed to.
Me: Ok . . .
Nurse: We’ll just take your blood anyways.
As she is filling tubes of blood, Handsome Dude is extremely concerned about her actions.
And Little Dude just leaves.
Yes.
That’s right.
He just walks out.
Next, I have to take a pregnancy test.
So, she sends me to the bathroom with the dudes.
Now, this was a treat.
If you haven’t ever tried to pee in a cup with your two young sons in a public place, I implore you to try it immediately.
As I am attempting to complete the task, Little Dude opens the door.
Yes.
That’s right.
He OPENS the door.
So I have to quickly waddle over him to close the door.
Then I bring him back to me and hold on to him with one hand.
Now, I have to pee into a cup one-handed.
While two boys are both peering and looking to see what is going on in this mysterious toilet bowl.
And I learned something about myself on this dreadful day:
I don’t have good aim.
As I am trying to put the lid on, Little Dude is alternatively rubbing my back and the toilet seat.
I quickly get up and put the cup on the counter out of their reach.
I turn back and see Little Dude has completely put his face into the toilet.
Thank goodness I had already flushed.
But , nonetheless!
GROSS!
We make it out alive . . . barely.
The nurse tells us to sit in the exam room and wait a bit for results.
Fantastic!
We are good at waiting.
Handsome Dude now decides he must go poopy.
So, back to the bathroom we head.
He.
Takes.
For.
Ev.
Er.
Seriously.
A good 10 minutes.
Finally, we make it back to the exam room where it looks like the nurse is now waiting on us.
Ha! Payback!
Now, the doctor comes in.
He asks me every single question the nurse asked me again.
He asks me when my last period was.
He reminds me that I cannot get pregnant.
Because, clearly it looks like I need more children.
I can understand his concern.
He looks at my face and lips, says I don’t look too dry at all, and ups my dosage.
And I predict, dear readers, that my the end of April, I will no longer have lips.
***
Random Topic Quick-Change!
Yes!
I am finally getting my laundry finished.
I have been waiting for almost 7 years.
Would you all like to know something nice my Lumberjack did?
Instead of having me take all our clothes over to my mom’s house to wash, he moved our washer and dryer back into the laundry room last night so I could work on laundry today.
And I didn’t even have to ask!
Plus, he moved them all by himself.
Such muscles!
And then he invited me to the gun show.
Speaking of guns . . .
Random Topic Quick-Change!
How many guns does The Lumberjack have in his safe?
Yesterday, many of you guessed numbers under 7.
One person guessed 12.
And to that I say,
Puh-lease.
Clearly, you do not know my Lumberjack.
Well, I didn’t even really know how many guns he had.
I just know he has a lot.
So, I told him I needed an accurate number.
And guess what?
He didn’t even know how many.
Lumberjack!
You have too many guns.
I repeat, you have too many guns.
The grand total?
17.
I find that excessive.
Happy Thursday!
3 more and he can do his own 21 gun salute.
this was a great comment after a great post. It surprised me a bit and I literally laughed out loud (LOL 🙂
Wait a tick! Doesn’t 17+3=20? Shoot.
Math is hard. I think he needs 4 more. 🙂
Doh! Math was never my strong suit.
However, at least I did not leave a comment on your blog that proved myself illiterate.
Do I need to mention the green vs blue arrow incident?
Guess I just did 😉
Well, Erin, now you need to share more!
Wow.
I wish I lived nearby. I would watch your little handsome dudes so you could pee in peace at the drs. office. And maybe read a magazine. And go to Target by yourself.
But then, what would you blog about? This was so entertaining. Probably not so much for you but for me it was hilarious!
Poor thing! Your day makes mine with autism seem like a walk in the park!!
Too funny…except I bet it wasn’t for you.
And your doctors/pharmacists need to get it together! That just sounds ridiculous.
17. Wow. That is a LOT of guns. Do you live in the south, by any chance? Cause ya’ll would fit in real well where I’m from.
I gotta tell you Taylor: you are stinkin’ funny. Seriously. Also, you are very brave. When they recommended Acutane for me, I looked at the list of side effects and ran and hid.
Which is why I am 39 and still have acne.
17 guns!!! wow. and I am still cracking up about the gun show 🙂
Accutane…I tell ya, it is a nightmare when you’re going through it, but a dreaaaam when it’s over–your skin will look amaaazing! A few of my friends were on it in college and they used vaseline chapstick like it was their job and that seemed to help with the cracking lips. And there certainly is a lot of paperwork involved, too. I salute you.
And 17 guns??? Sheesh. Keep that cabinet locked!!
Taylor, your life is just too exciting compared to the rest of us. That whole bathroom thing? 🙂
That medication sounds horrible…so you get rid of zits but you can get depressed, kill yourself, have a heart attack and ruin your tummy? Oh my! Sounds scary.
I think the funniest thing is, we are more critical of ourselves. I am being treated for rosacea, and my husband never noticed I had it! All the pics I have seen of you are so pretty and you don’t look like you have a problem. You are just beautiful inside and out, and if we readers didn’t love you, we would all be jealous. Ya’ know how catty women are. 🙂
#1 was on Accutane a few year ago and while he was on it we lived with Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde…seriously, #’s 2 & 3 were afraid to sleep at night. So while we lived in a little place I like to call accutane purgutory for 9mths, his face is AMAZING now. He can go through high school and have one less thing to worry about.
JUST about peed my pants on this post….I remember those days all too well!
Next time take the pregnancy test at home, so you know for sure personally. Then at the doctor’s office, have Handsome Dude pee in the cup.
Almost forgot to mention–Indiana Jones has more excessiveness in the gun collection area than Lumberjack does.
Wow, you are motivated to go through all of that. I hope it works for you!
You should have called me I could have watched the Dudes.
I think everyone has the same dr office story. The waiting they put you through is seriously out of hand. Do your boys open all the cupboard doors and start pulling things out? Ellie does. It is a joy. The stool with the spinning top is encouraged on our visits. 🙂
At least you didnt get grilled about the kids!
Oh my gosh. What an awesome post… Again, this one could be read to teenage girls and be the best form of birth control ever.
(And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Seriously. I love kids. But you make me realize that I don’t need them right now.)
I’m going to have zits forever… Good news though, you probably won’t get wrinkles very fast. That’s what my mom always tells me anyway.
P.S.- Why doesn’t it link back to my blog?
Marla @ http://www.asthefarmturns.wordpress.com
P.P.S.- My farmer might be able to beat your lumberjack on the guns… At least we will be well protected if war every breaks out, right? 🙂
Hi, Marla! You need to put your blog link with your name and email in the comment form. 🙂
You make me laugh out loud. That was hysterical. I’m can literally picture this – brave post!
As for the guns, my husband owned a security company and did not have that many guns.
Just sayin’….
Loved this post. And here I thought waiting rooms were a nightmare with ONE child. But the bathroom scene/urine sample scene is priceless!
When I have stories like this about my child, people always tell me that I will miss these days eventually.
I remain skeptical…
Yikes. And how many times do I have to tell you that I am more than willing to watch your two rugrats so you can have some sanity and privacy at the doctors appointment? For Pete’s sake, woman! 😉
Too funny! I especially love the part where he puts his face IN the toilet. Ha!
My younger brother just started accutane and when he told me about it, he said “Just thank the Lord I’m not a girl,” since the regulations you described are so tight for women. Guys just have to sign a paper when they pick up the meds at the pharmacy. I guess girls weren’t taking the risk of birth defects seriously so that’s why they make you do a pregnancy test every time you pick it up. As a speech therapist, I have to say that it’s probably a worthwhile venture to drill it into these girls how serious the defects would be. I love working with kids with disabilities, but if I had my way, there would be no need for speech therapists in this world! Seriously though, that’s intense! What joy!
I laughed at Erin’s comment and didn’t notice that 17 + 3 doesn’t equal 21 until you commented on it!!
Me too!!! I feel so much better about that:)
But even my 4th grader knows that I don’t really pay attention to math and if he needs help with his homework will wait for Dad to come home.
Yeah…. can I just say, “Thank you for the mental picture.” I need to clear my head after that bathroom scene.
But alas, I was trying to take a potty stop today at the hospital with my crew. 3 out of 4 have to come in with me… and my friend, I feel your pain.
How many guns does it take to kill a moose or bear or dear? I fear LJ is becoming the ultimate consumer and shopper and collector like many of us.
Is it really worth all that trouble and drugging of your body to try to have perfect skin? Estee Lauder can take care of the problem, so can the sun. Be careful, gorgeous, perfection is unattainable and messes with your head.
I am definiltey not going for perfection. I am just tired of fighting with acne. If I am not on some sort of prescription, my skin looks awful and I don’t want to be on prescriptions my whole life. The dr is very confident this will cure me of acne. I am not experiencing any of those side effects, except dry skin and dry lips. It is definitely worth it to me! If I had all those other issues, I would say no way! Gorgeous! hahahaha! you are a silly goose. 🙂
Erin, love your comment. too cool.
Wow lady!!! That is ALOT to got through! I hope it proves worthwhile for you.
Erin, your comment was hilarious 🙂
Loved the post. Your story about the bathroom is priceless. This blog is far better then reality TV!!And yes, I do miss the days of having little ones, you will too someday 🙂
As far as the doctor’s office wait goes….hmmm…. should I even try to go there?
Taylor my friend that did it said Aquaphor was her best friend for dry lips and everything else dry!!
yep Aquaphor was WON.DER.FUL. #1’s derm would give us a handful of samples every month -the ONLY thing that worked for his VERY dry lips and forearms.
Men believe they can never have too many guns…
It’s like shoes for us, only louder.
And deadlier. 🙂
That may be one of the funniest doctor trip posts I have ever read. Thank you! Don’t feel badly about your sons head in the bowl. My daughter once licked the very dirty sink in a public bathroom. That’s right, a big wet tongue cleaning. I swear I wanted to open her mouth and pour in Purrell.
I can’t believe I’ve just found your blog. I’m very happy your laundry is getting done.
-FringeGirl
Taylor,
You make me smile! I had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, but you still amused me despite all that. Yea for you!
Rachel
I have been a reader of your blog for some time, but have never commented. A bit of a blogger stalker! Anyway, I couldn’t let this post go by without telling you that it made my night. I laughed the whole way through it. Best part was when the boys opened the door while you were tending to your business. I appreciate your wonderful and talented story telling and am so glad you could find the humor where maybe it didn’t feel like there was any! I only have two rugrats, but have definitely been in that bathroom a time or two!
Thanks for the laughs!!
You need a double stroller! Or take up your friends’ offers and let them watch your boys…at least when you know you are going to have to pee in a cup!
I also have acne, and am starting a new cleaning regimen; hopefully it will help. My skin didn’t look this bad when I was in high school. Grrr.
One day, I hope to make people laugh like you do! 🙂
Guess what? I have TWO double strollers.
Yet, they sit on my porch, which is so not helpful when I am at the doctor’s office.
Normally it wouldn’t be a problem, but you are totally right that I should bring one when peeing in cups.
Good thoughts!
Thanks!
Can’t imagine having to get a urine sample with both of your boys on hand 🙂
You’re right — that Accutane is a serious drug. Good luck with it. Hope you don’t have any problems!
What a cute blog you have here and adorable kids. Really, you must be very busy! I have two and couldn’t even take them to the grocery store some days. I’m squeamish around guns though I did shoot expert marksmanship when I was in the military. Don’t mess!
GREAT POST!!!! And all so true.
I will NEVER understand why ALL doctors office will move you out of a nice comfy room with magazines, sometimes tv, and toys to sit in a tiny tiny dull space.
Your post reminded me of when I was expecting my little guy, I had to take the middle guy who was 4 at the time ( and who at the time was the little guy) with me for a check up. I thought this was just a “regular” checkup with weight, blood pressure, ect not realizing it would be a full exam. We get in the exam room and the nurse gives me the “gown” to put on. I panicked because the little changing area where I planned to put middle guy was RIGHT AT MY FEET WITH FULL VIEW!!!! When the time came, I had to close the curtain and repeatedly tell him not to peak out!!! He wanted to know why. lol Luckily, he didn’t peak and doctor tried to block in case he did. Yeah, doc! I figured he wouldn’t need to add that to the list to tell his future therapists:).
And next time, take your friends up on their offer to babysit so you can pee in peace!!! Of course, your blog wouldn’t be as funny and entertaining if you could:)
My sister-in-law took acutane a few years ago…and through all of the pain and dryness and pregnancy tests…it was worth it!!!! She has not had a single skin problem since 🙂
PS It sounds nutso, but try Lansinoh on your lips. It also works wonders on burns. Yes, it is the stuff you use when breastfeeding, but we keep it on hand at all times. The stuff is great, non-toxic, and lasts!
I think it took me 27 minutes just to read that.
Man alive that stuff sounds like the pill of death!! Hope you make it through!!
Blessings-
Amanda
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ROTFL!!!!!!!!!
Oh Em Gee.
I read this out loud to my husband.
He wasn’t offended.
He was too busy laughing.
taylor you crack me up girl!! 🙂 at last count i believe buster had 22 guns?? but he complains when i want a new purse??hhhmmm…a $30 purse or a $300 gun, it is a mystery to me!!??!!
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Fish oil works to clear up skin and help fingernails grow. I got a huge thing at Costco and My face is clearing up and my nails are growing. It states to take 3 pills a day, but I just take 2 at night.
Ok, I know this is way late, but I’m just reading your accutane post now and wanted you to know that I have been there and it actually does work. It sucks, but it works.
And then I went and had children and my skin is all messed up again. At least you had children first and then went on it so it should stick for you 🙂