I did not take my 6-year-old shopping last week.
The six-year-old who implores me to purchase any sort of fitness DVD or machine she sees on an infomercial.
Because, as she says, I am so “chubs.”
I did not have to shout my clothing size across the store to her when she kept shouting at me, asking if I could fit into an “XS.”
But wait!
There’s more!
I did not become so desperate to find something, anything to wear that I took aforementioned six-year-old into the dressing room with me.
And my daughter, my own flesh and blood, did not continuously point out and poke at my flaws.
Not that I have flaws.
And, dear readers, while I was in this dressing, nay this horror, room, I did not ponder the following thoughts:
Is this what I look like?
There are too many mirrors in here.
I am sure I don’t look like this.
My daughter looks like she normally does.
Maybe the mirrors are just false for adults.
Yes. I am sure that is true.
Why am I so . . . wiggly?
Why is my stomach so . . . billowy?
I am sure it is because of the children.
Yes.
I shall blame it on the children.
Not my lack of exercise.
How can I ever be seen again in a swimming suit?
I now know the truth.
This is not a swimsuit-approved body.
I will plan my life around swimsuit-less activities from this day forward.
Dang.
I never knew my arms were so plump.
Ok.
That’s it.
I am going on a diet.
I did not leave the mall to take my daughter to dinner, with my new diet plan in mind, only to cave and order chips with my sandwich.
I do not have a weakness for salt and vinegar chips.
No. Not me.
Nor do I have a weakness for popcorn, chocolate-peanut-butter ice cream, popcorn, pasta, pizza, brownies, cookies, popcorn, bread, popcorn, and more bread.
If only I had a weakness for my good friend, Jillian.
But, no.
I can honestly say I could live without her.
No offense to Ms. Michaels, as I am sure she is a lovely person.
I could just live without plank jacks in my life.
And clearly, I do live without plank jacks in my life, as is evidenced by my lack of bikini body.
Happy Monday!
But Taylor, plank jacks are FUN! I find them as satisfying and delightful as… hm. I can’t think of anything to compare with the glory of plank jacks.
Yeah, I don’t have a weakness for popcorn either… 😉 Happy Monday!
Hee hee 🙂
I was thinking of your earlier post on this subject, when my two-year old did NOT poke me the love handles that I DON’T have and giggle and say “Hee hee hee…. What have you got there, momma?”
The secret to having a swimsuit ready body is to go to the pool and only compare yourself to people who have MORE “chubs” than you do.
Never, ever look over to where the teenagers are hanging out.
Ever.
I agree with Mindee…never look at the teenagers.
At least you have young kids. What is my excuse? I blame hormones and the fact that I also have a bit of a popcorn/pasta/carb weakness too.
I love your Not Me Mondays. I’m sure you look waaay better in a swimsuit than I do! 😉
i have the opposite problem when i am in dressing rooms – the clothes look good and then i get them home and look terrible in them!! i swear they use special lighting and mirrors to get you to buy their clothes!!
Funny! I just love Not me Mondays 🙂 Hilarious!
Congrats to your sister!
You’re daughter is just so precious. 🙂
Marla @ http://www.asthefarmturns.wordpress.com
I will never ever wear a swim suit in public without board-shorts firmly in place.
However, IF I ever go to the beach or pool, I do so with all 4 kids in tow. I figure if people see me with all four kids, first they will ask “Are they all yours?” Then, when I reply in the affirmative, they will look at me and think (quietly to themselves I pray), “Well, she may be lumpy, but after 4 babies, she isn’t tooooo bad.”
OR, we could have custom swim cover ups made with the following caption:
“YES, all four kids are mine.
Yes, my hands are full.
YES, they all have the same dad.
YES, I gave birth to them all.
Yes, I know where they came from.
Yes, I am done.
Yes, my tummy is a bit lumpy.
NO, I do not like plank jacks.
Yes, I do like popcorn.
Please deal with it and kindly find someone else to stare at, but first bring me a snack.
The End”
I’m right there with you, Taylor…I bought Jillian’s dvd weeks ago…my 15 year old is actually doing the exercising though…I put on a swimsuit for the first time this morning…one of those with a skirt…my 6 year old laughed and said, “Daddy, look! Mommy has on a grandma swimsuit!”
:p
I would rather go to the dentist than shop for bathing suits.
And I need to shop for bathing suits. Because I only have one.
And it will be a hot summer.
And we will live within sight of the community pool.
And now I want to cry a little.
I seriously contemplated buying this DVD, however, I keep coming back to the plank jacks thing and just put it back on the shelf and keep walking.
I hate excersizing. But what I love about this is that my daughters have taken to poking fun at my husband for his overwheightness in a rather brutal manner. I will not say any more than that, because it is so brutal, it cannot be repeated, actually. 🙂
I hate dressing room mirrors. I also hate swimsuits, and love popcorn. And pizza and all the other wonderful things you listed.
I’m not baking caramel rolls right now.
I’m exercising now, but I’m still waiting for that euphoria that some people are supposed to experience. You know, the “endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t kill anybody.” (Name that movie.) Why is it that I can never think of movies to quote for my own blog?
anyway, I’m not happy yet; I just hurt. Hurting people WILL kill somebody. Or anybody. I need chocolate to sooth my aches.
and yes, I still can’t figure out why I can’t lose weight!
I agree! Blame the kids 🙂 Happy Monday to you.
LOVE this post! I’m not alone!!!
I’ll never forget the day I was telling my mom how frustrated I am with my NOT bikini-ready body and she said to me, “Well, honey, you HAVE had three kids. Something had to go!”
Thanks, Mom. 🙂
“Swimsuits are the devil!” Just misquoting a movie because I thought it was appropriate. Swimsuits are the one thing I hate about summer.
Just look at your beloved children(preferable while they are sleeping so they look like angels) and remind yourself that they are much more important than nice abs. Let’s see how Jillian looks after 4 kids! Right?? Ha!!
who cares what we look like after child-bearing, right! I wish….
Chocolate/peanut butter ice cream=good
plank jacks=very, very bad
Oh, Lawdy, but can I relate with the dressing room scenario. I took my 7 year-old in with me and proceeded to be peppered with questions such as, “What’s that? Will I have those things on my back? Where’d those little dimple things come from?” And I’m of the belief that dressing room mirrors are of the devil.
🙂
Mindy
http://www.thesuburbanlife.com
I’m making brownies right now. Because I am soooo looking forward to our time at the pool/beach this summer! (swinging head back and forth in a perky manner, smiling like an idiot)
I think I will have milk with my brownie instead of Coke. Is that good? A little calcium, right?
At least yours is just Chubs and not Dimples!
I do hate bathing suit shopping. Wearing a bathing suit and going to the pool only to have everyone else look so cute in theirs is the all time worst part of summer. I think everyone should look as lumpy, bumpy, and bad in their suit as I do…. You saw what I did to the chocolate bunny in my post today. So you know I am no how ready for bathing suit season. I keep saying that I will get it in gear, but the only gear I have isn’t getting it done. At least, I can sit by the pool with my cover up and magazine. Oh wait, I have a small child that requires me to swim with:)
Love your new phrase for dressing rooms — horror rooms. Boy, did you hit the nail on the head 🙂
So funny! I feel your pain. I hate fitting rooms!
-FringeGirl
It’s the lighting…. at least that’s what I always tell myself…
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