Tis the season . . . hunting season.
Oh, yes. Hunting season.
Joy
To
The
World.
The season where you plan to not see your husband for a few months and try to never look in the back of his truck for fear of seeing an animal carcass.
I was not cut out for this hunter’s wife gig.
And, yet. Here I am.
Since I am 29 now and all, I thought I would mentor some of you in how to be a proper hunter’s wife.
Remember. I am super knowledgeable and have been perfecting these methods over the course of 10 years.
1. Do not freak out. You will see dead animals. You see horns, fur, blood, and fur. It will be disgusting.
2. If you do freak out to the point of annoying your husband, he might try to pester you further by placing a deer’s head on a garbage can outside your window just to taunt you.
3. Because he knows darn well you won’t go out there and move it.
4. And he knows darn well it will bug you.
5. And it’s tongue might be hanging out. And you might cry. So don’t act like your freaked out. Just keep it all inside.
6. Not that I know from personal experience.
7. You must wash all hunting clothes with unscented detergent.
8. Your husband will smell . . . different when he comes home. Don’t question the smells. You do not want to know.
9. If you convince your husband to turn all the meat into summer sausage and pepperoni sticks, you will not have to eat it. Ever.
10. But if you don’t, be forewarned that when you cook a deer roast in the crock pot, it looks a little purpleish.
11. Just makes lots of rice to go with it and pretend to try the deer. This will please your husband.
12. But for the love of everything that is sacred and pure: do not eat the purple meat. Become a vegetarian if you must.
13. Do not ask him if he “caught” anything when he comes home. You must be sure to say “kill.” This makes him feel uber manly.
14. If your husband does not catch kill anything during the season, make sure to blame this on something out of his control and most certainly not his hunting abilities.
15. I will give you some examples:
“Darn rain.”
“Darn snow.”
“Stupid wolves. Eating all the deer.”
“I might have washed your clothes with Downy’s ‘April Fresh Scent,’ instead of the super-secret-unscented soap. My bad.”
“Your truck is sooooo big and loud. You probably scared all big game away within a 50 mile radius.”
“We can always eat chicken!”
Hope this helped.
If you take heed of my advice, you might be able to talk your husband out of hanging his large, creepy deer mount above your bed.
Also, refrain from naming the deer mount, “Frank.”
Your manly-man-hunter husband will find this irksome.
Not that I know from experience.
Let me know if you have any tips to add to the list!
Faretheewell, my friends.
Fare.
Thee.
Well.
Do you have dead animals hanging from your walls? Because I currently have one antelope (stuffed of course), four dear antlers, and one replica of a very large fish staring me down.
Thank God corn harvest takes up the majority of hunting season.
Marla @ http://www.asthefarmturns.wordpress.com
Oh, yes! The animal heads! I forgot and will work it into the post immediately!
I am forwarding this to my grandpa. He was a hunter, and he will think this is a hooooooot.
Hilarious! Hunting widows everywhere should make you their mentor.
My husband hasn’t hunted in years. He claims I took all his fun hobbies away from him! He just needs to face the fact that he would rather not sit in the cold and dark to wait for a deer to happen by. He raises beef so there is no need for purple meat! We like our cholesterol high! Your blog cracks. me. up.
You are pretty funny in your old age/wisdom! I actually like deer jerky and summer sausage. But I’m not to fond of the meat you have to cook! Luckily, I’m related to hunters, but not married to one!
Ha! I laughed my head off (Get it?) even though I’m not married to a hunter. My husband has threatened for years to mount a trophy brown trout in our living room, though, so I put it on the prayer chain for him never to land one large enough to deem worthy.
Prayer chain! Brilliant!
Is it bad to pray for your husband to not “catch” anything?
Cause it is truly more convenient for me.
” But for the love of everything that is sacred and pure: do not eat the purple meat.”
i’m thinking you should have this put on a t-shirt. you can sell it on etsy in all your spare time. hunter’s wives all around the globe will surely buy. as will this very-happy-to-be-married-to-a-nonhunter girl.
You had me loling! Great stuff. 🙂 Hubby heard me laughing and said what on earth is so funny so I had to try to read it to him out loud which made it more funny~ Good thing you didnt have to learn ALL that from experience huh, 😛 Thanks for the tips on what to avoid, you are o-so-hunting-wife smart!
Ewwwwww is about all I can say. Actually, that, and the fact that this post quite possibly turned me vegetarian!
Melissa K deserves the COW with that comment!
My hubs does not hunt.
Unless you count removing dead creatures from our yard who have been taken out by their higher ups on the food chain. We do have that.
Hey, she listened to you! 🙂
I gave up trying to keep animals off my walls a long time ago. I’ve tried to limit them to one room, but now they’ve spread to two. And now my boys are getting old enough to hunt–I might as well give up and start decorating in forest design and camouflage. By the way, hunters also get annoyed if, when you’re decorating for Christmas, you put Santa hats on their wall mounts. Maybe if the hats were camo …
Santa hats! Love it! I must try this post haste!
Brilliant post!
As a vegetarian I was sufficiently grossed out to find my then three year old daughter who had gone across the street to play, petting a dead dear’s head while the rest of the carcass hung from some contraption that should have had a car engine instead. Seems the neighbor was a hunter and no one but me thought this was particularly gruesome.
Let me share another what not to do… you are invited hunting, bird in this case. Up before the dawn, greeting the morning, stand outside the tent and yell “FLY BIRDS FLY FLY AWAY”!!! Forcefully returned to the tent and told not to come out until hunter returns. Hunter returns several hours later with no birds. Let me just say, this man did not marry me and I was never invited hunting again. Happy Friday!
God Speed to you. May hunting season come and go without having to eat the purple meat. I say become a vegetarian. I know circle of life and this helps control population, but alas I like my meat prepackaged at the grocery store:)
I also vote for Melissa K for COW.
I second #13 and also vote for Melissa K for COW.
We don’t keep the roasts, everything except the loin gets ground up with bacon, which is actually quite yummy and makes it not taste gamey. We borrow his uncle’s huge electric meat grinder, which also makes him feel manly, and then we don’t have to pay for the processing of summer sausage and pepperoni.
My favorite part about hunting is for every deer they get, that’s one less deer for me to hit with my car.
More words of advice…Do not ever tie ribbons around said deer head that hangs above your bed. Your husband will not find this funny at all!
And don’t try to fight it when all your stockings for Christmas must be of the camo variety…just don’t fight it!
But I happen to think that deer meat tastes rather tasty. It is especially good as a roast and when you use the ground deer meat in spaghetti. A lot less fat and oh so good! Maybe deer here in Tennessee taste different than the deer in Rurualville?
Just wait until your boys get the hunting itch! Just last week my boys came in the house caring 2 bats that they had shot. They are outside shooting their fake dear target most of the day with their bow and arrows. My husband is so elated that they have inherited the love of being a big hunting man. It irritates me but I (try) not to complain (too much). It seems the longer we are married the more hunting trips he goes on. Maybe there is some underlying reason I should try to figure out. But no I think he just loves hunting THAT much.
Oh and I currently have a huge 10 point buck staring at me as I sit writing this comment on the computer. Along with 1 large mouth bass and my son’s albino sunfish and red bellied crappe. Such is a life of a wife (and Mother) of hunters!
You have a lot of dead animals staring at you, poor dear.
I shall pray for you.
I’m really, really glad that my husband prefers motorcycles to hunting. No dead animals in this house! 😀
Bahaha! Thanks for the laugh 🙂 My hubby is not a hunter of deer but a master of hard drives. We did have a clock made out of an old hard drive and it was displayed for the longest time. Now we have a room with a very loud server and a bunch of other things that light up and contribute mightily to the virtual world. Which leaves me having to venture on my own to the local grocery store for our meat.
Gravy makes everything better!
I, too, am a veteran hunter’s wife, going on 30 years. And, yes, there are many, many stuffed heads/horns, etc. on our walls. So, so many that I have for years said that our decorating theme is “Great-American-Hunter-Dead-Carcass-On-The-Wall”. I did draw the line with hanging the bobcat head on the bathroom wall. There are some places that need to stay sacred.
Gross. But a very good list full of useful tips!
Obviously, I am more whiny than you. We have no dead animals in our house. My husband does have antlers in his shop…
I may or may not have paid my brother in law a hundred bucks to slice the cape of a deer all the way to the chin when he was helping field dress the deer so it would never be able to make it to my walls…
Not that that could/would ever happen around here…
I’m just sayin’ the random 100 dollar bill does have its uses!
Poor thing. Seriously I grew up with two older brothers who do nothing but hunt and fish. My poor sister in law has about a dozen deer heads on her walls…oh and a bear rug, fox trophy thing etc… I would lose my mind. Vowed not to marry a hunter. They ruined it for me;)
My favorite hunting story ever: Chistmas day, we walk outside, and the neighbor has “Rudolph”, or maybe it was “Prancer”, hanging, skinned, from a tree in his FRONT yard. GIVE ME A BREAK!
FYI: Here’s a venison recipe you might actually like. I posted it when you knew me not. I hate venison, but I really liked this one.
http://queenofbrusselsprouts.blogspot.com/search/label/venison
Oh my gosh – I am laughing my butt off.
Because I am a city girl, who is sitting here reading this surrounded by half a dozen racks hung on the walls and threatening to skewer me if I make any sudden moves.
You know what is really funny? #8. Because my husband helped pack in an elk this morning and had blood on his pants that he only mentioned AFTER we were set to go out. And I kept complaining about a certain smell and finally looked at his pants. UGH!
And don’t even mention the whole, “you killed the MAMA?????” thing. Cuz I cry. Every time.
I can’t even comment on all the things that cracked me up because I’d be hijacking your comments section – sorry 🙂
Hey Taylor, do you Twitter? Cuz if ya do, come on over to the Pity Party at #BHF10PP
Clearly we are in need of your hilarity.
No, I don’t Twitter. 🙁
But thank you for thinking of me!
Icky. I’m glad you don’t have to do any of the dirty work, though. Purple? Blech…I wonder why it’s purple? Does Mr. Lumberjack know?