1. On Tuesday, I hauled all the children around in my ginormous rig and did every errand known to man. I must now do my errands this way, seeing as how we live so far.
2. Upon three, yes, three separate occasions, I had this same conversation with friendly passersby:
Passerby: Wow! You’ve sure got your hands full!
Me: Yup! I sure do!
Passerby: Hello, kids!
Me: Say Hello, Kids! Hello, Hello! Ok!
Friendly passerby is not quite aware of the frantic, desperate need for a mother of four to KEEP MOVING!
Attention peoples I do not know who stop me in the store:
Do you not understandeth?
To stop and give my children the opportunity to roam, investigate, touch, smell, see, get bored, look, steal, touch, hit, pull hair, yell, touch,cry, giggle, tickle, bite, touch, stand up, sit down, run around, touch, whine, complain, holler (not holla), touch, and touch, touch, touch is foolish, asinine surrender on my part.
I will not let the grocery store experience with four children defeat me.
As God as my witness, I will not be brought down.
Passerby: Wow. I don’t know how you do it. My one just exhausts me!
Me: Oh! Thanks! Well, I guess you just get used to it!
Passerby: Well, aren’t they all just so precious?
She must not notice that the boy has his hands down his pants.
Per.
Usual.
Passerby: Wait a minute! These three look alike, but the youngest one . . . boy! He sure doesn’t look like the others!
Me: Nope! Nope, nope, nope! Weird, huh? Ok!
Passerby: How funny! I mean the older three all have the same facial shape and characteristics, but the littlelest one . . . hmmmm . . .
Me: I know! He looks more like my father’s side of the family!
At this point, I have most assuredly lost control and the kids have released themselves to pillage and plunder.
Passerby: So . . . do they all come from the same . . . dad?
Me: Yes.
*sigh*
3. Dear Readers. May I give you a few pointers?
Good.
If ever you meet up with a young mother in a store, please take heed of my advice and do not ever ask any of the following questions:
“Are you preganant?”
“Are ALL those kids yours?”
“Do ALL your kids have the same dad?”
“When are you due?”
And, lastly but not leastly, do not ever touch a stranger’s stomach and say,
“How precious! When are you due?”
Because.
SHE MIGHT JUST HAVE A PLUMP TUMMY.
NOT A BABY.
THANK YOU.
AND YES. ALL MY KIDS HAVE THE SAME FATHER.
THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
4. I am sorry for the last segment. I just took years of shopping frustration out on all of you.
And you did not deserve it.
5. I met my good friend, Ashlee, for a little playdate on Tuesday. Ashlee and I have been friends since we were 5! Amazing! We went to the same school together all of our lives.
Anyways, I was reminded of a humorous conversation Ashlee and I had many years ago.
Ashlee: Anyways, I think she is going to have the baby tonight.
Me: Wow! How far is she dilated?
Ashlee: I think like 5 inches.
Me: You mean centimeters.
Ashlee: No. Inches.
Me: No. Centimeters.
Ashlee: Taylor! People don’t dilate 10 centimeters to have a baby! Do you know how small that is? How could a baby ever fit through that?
Me: That’s why it hurts.
Ashlee: I am pretty sure it is inches.
Me: Ashlee! 10 inches is like a pie plate! You wouldn’t even have to push. You would just stand up and the baby would fall out!
Ashlee: I don’t know . . .
Raise your hand if you think our education failed us.
Fun Fact: We graduated at the top of our class.
6. Pop Quiz!
From which TV show does this quote come from:
“These pretzels are making me thirsty.”
7. The Lumberjack caught killed an elk last week.
8. I will now be cooking elk . . . everything. Elk spaghetti. Elk meat loaf. Elk stew. Elk soup. Elk casserole. Elk pot pie. Elk lasagna. Elk chowder. Elk jambalaya. Elk fried steak. Elk stir fry. Elk burgers. Elk brownies. Elk picatta. Elk fettucine.
Elk.
Elk.
Elk.
Congratulations, Universe.
You win.
Happy Thursday!
Bahahaha!!!
That was hysterical cuz I totally GET IT!
I am sorry you went through that with a passerby/stranger! I know all too well that siblings can have same father and mother and one or two or all would look very different. Genetics is weird.
I can identify with keeping it moving in the store and I only have two! People need to just let you do your thing without stopping to chitchat.
That’s a lot of elk! Maybe you should see if the Queen of Brussels Sprouts has any good ideas for different things to do with elk. I’d be curious.
I love the elk menu. My sweet husband has yet to kill one so we will not be having elk brownies. Yet.
I double love the centimeters/inches convo. I laughed out loud. Can you imagine…10 inches. Ha.
Story time: I was in banking for over a decade. One week every girl on my teller line got asked if they were pregnant by a different man. Every one. I thought it was hilarious until it was my turn.
Silly male customer: “Are you pregnant?”
Me: “Um, no.”
Silly male customer: “Oh, well maybe it is the shirt.”
Me: “Let me give you a little bit of advice. In the future, do not ask a lady if she is pregnant unless she is physically giving birth in front of you.”
Silly male customer looks at me with a little bit of shock.
Me: “Now, how would you like your cash back?”
I would like to point out that I was the tiniest I have ever been when this happened and the girl that stood next to me was a size 0. These were clearly just crazy people.
Crazy, I tell you.
Good story! I love it!
My mom used to say that us kids were from her husband’s first marriage. (1st and only, hahaha).
It would be nice if it was inches and not centimeters.
Fun fact: my first born child’s head was 1.5 inches larger than the average baby’s head at birth. They measured it twice. His head was HUGE I tell you. He also weighed 9 pounds. My doctor came in after all was said and done and congratulated me. He was actually proud that I made it through and pushed that baby out. He was impressed. I was just exhausted and happy.
Elk… the bright side is that you can tell your hubby how manly and awesome he is now that he has killed said elk. This is much better than if he had not scored big and felt low and un-manly.
I am SO with you. I get about 300 “Boy!!! You have your hands full!!!” comments every time I leave the house.
When I was pregnant with my #5 and my 2 year old was just learning to talk she felt the need to loudly inform me that every man she saw was a “daddy”. You should have seen the looks I would get- hauling through the store, kids hanging off every inch of the cart, big ol’ pregnant belly.. and the little one, sitting in the cart, yelling at every man we would pass “Daddy!” “Daddy!” “Daddy!”. Oh. My. Gosh. I often wished I had a paper bag for my head.
Elk brownies, hmm… I’m actually not intrigued.
Luckily the universe only wins if you end up with a mounted elk head on your peach walls, but you have taken precautions.
Seinfeld of course.
Maybe you can make up a fun story for the next time someone asks you if all your kids have the same dad. I bet your commenters could come up with a winning tale.
LJ doesn’t expect you to tan the Elk hide and turn it into clothing now does he?
I love Joyce’s idea for tanning the hide and turning it into clothing. What century is it in Ruralville?
Comments to make to Passerbyers: I’m sorry I can’t stop to talk. Last time I did, I lost a kid. I used to have five.
Comment to make to stupid “are they all from the same man” question: My husband goes on an elk-hunting trip every year. Nine months later I give birth. Shhh! Don’t tell him!!!
I love Jill’s comment to passerbers!
Funny..laughed out loud..at work again.. Must stop reading your posts here!
so is elk an acceptable meat to eat for your cholesterol? and what’s up with the photographer taking the pic of your kids??!! you can see the walls of the studio! how’s that for a “wild and crazy” comment =)
And even if they didn’t have the same dad IT’S NO ONE’S DANG BUSINESS!
People? Are rude.
I am sorry about the elk. Perhaps a child might accidentally unplug the freezer again? Children rarely learn a lesson the first time.
My kids ran over to me just now and asked what in the world was so funny. I loved the part about 10 inches vs 10 centimeters. So funny. And I agree that maybe next time you should tell the passerby that you lost a kid last time you stopped to talk. Maybe that would keep them moving! Because I completely agree that you must keep moving in the store…especially a grocery store!
Oy… just shopping with ONE kid is bad enough – without the clueless observers…
And an elk? You are set for the year now. I have to admit wishing that my husband would find an itty bitty elk, just because you run out of ways to eat those beasts!
I can’t believe people are so….forward with you! I think it’s because you’re adorable…if you maybe had a scowl on your face you would seem less approachable by strangers? You should try that the next time you go out…or you could take a cue from Liz Lemon (30 Rock) and start going out dressed as Princess Leah and tell people they couldn’t possibly be your kids because you’re a hologram (not holla-gram)! That would really throw them off!
Also, now, I am repeating the world elk and it sounds weird…like some kind of mild curse. “What the ELK?!”
I completely detest the “wow, you’ve got your hands full” comments. It drives me crazy. If it’s that obvious that I do, then don’t stop and talk to me because that makes my hands sooooo much fuller! And the different father comment?? I haven’t had people come out and say to me, but I know they’re thinking it. My DH is dark-skinned, and I am not. My oldest 2 look very mixed, like they should considering my whiteness and my DH’s non-whiteness, but my youngest is very white, and very blond….nothing like his dad. People just need to keep their comments to themselves.
I’m one of 7 kids. My mom had triplets, twins, and one more in the space of 4 years…
Imagine the looks and comments my poor mom got! I think every car that ever drove past us, or every person who ever saw us, counted us…standing there pointing at each one of us: “one, two, three…”
Aw….so the mighty hunter returned with his bounty. I am sorry. But, what can be done now? Embrace it and go make a double batch of elk brownies. Ew…that is just so disgusting to think about! I don’t even know what to say about the rude people comments. People say that to me and I only have two! Maybe I look desperate or like I have no control over the kids! 🙂 See you Monday….
My dearest Taylor, you need to adopt the look that I perfected with the twins I was nanny for. Make zero eye contact,If you must make eye contact keep it short. Keep moving at all cost even if you must speak keep moving, and in your eyes should display a look that says really you want me to stop and have this ridiculous conversation with you I have too many kids to waste my time with this!!! Nice no? I have also pretended not to hear their rude comments about parentage of my 4 or if the twins are identical or fraternal. I figure if they are going to be that rude than well it shouldn’t shock them if I am equally rude. Again nice? My mother would be horrified. Oh well. 🙂
Yea, the 10cm verses 10 inches made me laugh outloud at a coffee shop. Thank you very much, LumberJill, you just made people stare at me.
I SO wanted to make a shirt that said
YES THEY ARE ALL MINE
YES I KNOW WHAT CAUSES IT
YES I WANTED THEM ALL
YES MY HANDS ARE FULL
Sometimes, I would say things like, “Well, the Bible says children are a blessing from the Lord and I want a lot of blessing.”
It is a good testimony, and it ends the conversation sooner. ahem.
But, sometimes, this little sarcastic part of me wanted to say, “Well, why in the world would you use birth control? Why do you only have two kids? Aren’t you lonely?” But, we learn to bite our tongues, smile and nod.
ditto, ditto and amen.
I want one of those shirts too! Let me know when you start selling them 😉
Elk Brownies????? I hope not!
Conversation is hilarious!!!
Since I work at a child care I’ve learned not to ever ask if somebody is preggers. You just never know. So we wait and wait and wait and then eventually when you can obviously tell they’re ready to pop, we may say something (if they haven’t first) and they say they’re due 5 days ago. Better safe than sorry!
You wee funny, Taylor.
i get it when people are perplexed about the father of my youngest, but you with 4 blonde children. really? and to go ahead and ask. i hate it when i feel like i am behind the bars in some sort of “family zoo” exhibit for others to gawk at. though i also know we are very deserving of such gawking.
Yes, I have shared your experiences. So sorry. However, after #5, people have stopped talking to me. They stare in horror, and we can keep moving. And about that: one goes into the cart, two middle kids hang onto the side (the same side!) and the eldest follows me to catch stragglers. I keep the baby in a sling to deter “stranger touching” and further unwanted attention. I promise treats (Dairy Queen). Saying right off the bat that you are so thankful to God for your wonderful blessings also deters conversation. It’s about survival at this stage, and you will survive. 🙂
Umm, a pivotal moment regarding elk: when I was 11 years old, I tasted for the first time a hamburger made of beef. It was SOOOOOO good – the heavens opened and the angels sang! It took more than one explanation for me to understand the difference between the burger I had grown up with (elk, venison) and beef, REAL meat, in my estimation. When you have it ground, request 30% pork fat be added to it. You’ll need the flavor. :-/
My friend, I just visited the commissary today with all 4 children in tow. I recieved no less than 10 comments from the moment we entered until the time we checked out.
We shall now form a club: Moms of Many Must Get Much Food! M3GMF, for short.
Requirements for entry:
3 or more children, preferably homeschooled so that they go everywhere with you. (Bonus points for each child after that).
At least two buggies full of groceries.
At least one small child who puts naughty things in his/her mouth with impecible timing.
At least one bag of opened something…opened by previously mentioned naughty person (I had 4! this trip).
One really long grocery list.
A sad and sorry case of “mom” hair.
No more than 5 hours of sleep the night before said trip.
Oh yeah, and a shirt that says, “YES, they are all mine. YES, they have the same Dad. YES, my hands are full. HELP ME OR GET OUT OF THE WAY!”
If all that doesn’t work, we shall vow to respond in this manner (while pushing a loaded buggy full of groceries and children), “Sorry, can’t stop to chat…laws of inertia you know!” I swear, it gets people every time. One time, I said it to a pair of pilots in the commissary. They laughed so hard I think they had to go potty.
PS – Here is my grocery store re-cap…just to let you know you are not alone. It is only the story of the end of the trip. The remainder of the shopping time, well, just cut and paste 2/3 of what you wrote.
http://queenofbrusselsprouts.blogspot.com/2010/10/groceries-and-fire-drill.html
I just wish that I had dialated to the size of a pie plate! Oh that would have been too awesome!
I died at the part with Ashley and inches. ACK! Hilarious. Seriously.
Really? Can’t your freezer break and defrost all your elk meat? Wouldn’t that be, um, fortuitous?
I hate taking children to the store. It is the worst thing ever. Why are there toys by the cash register? Because the devil stocks the shelves…or something.
Love the way Ashlee thinks…if only it were true! Also when you see a child with a not-so-young adult never ask the child if he/she is helping Grandma/Grandpa today. Had that happen a few times with my youngest. Just because I didn’t have my children when I was 18 (or even 25). Plus I grayed early and got sick of dying my hair after 10 years, so decided to go natural. People need to be careful making assumptions!
Oh you are hilarious! Inches, ha! what a goon, although top of the class educated goon. I always heard when mine were little…. 3 in 4 years…” you do know what causes that don’t you?”
I can’t stop giggling about the inches vs. centimeters..and then I giggle some more reading the comments about it…my honey asks me “what are you laughing about?”…ummm..”girl stuff, baby…girl stuff” 😉
This whole post cracked me up! 🙂
I, not long ago, had a woman in Kmart smile and ask me when I was due!!! Yeah, I just shook my head and laughed and walked away. While I was calling her all kinds of names that can’t be repeated outloud…you know she probaby thought “Crazy pregnant lady.” LOL
I called my ex-boyfriend and vented and he said, “Were you wearing that white shirt” blah, blah, blah…basically describing the shirt that I was indeed wearing. Yeah….I immediately threw it away. 🙂
Unless the baby is falling out of the 5 inches of dialation (LMAO), then do NOT ask her when she’s due!
Also, I followed you over from a comment you left at The Little Brown House. I wanted to direct you over to Life in Rehab (http://sunnyslifeinrehab.blogspot.com/). She does a list of Linky parties everday…maybe you’ll find one you can fit into. 🙂
Ahh….I only called her those name in my head!!! Not out loud! I suddenly read that and it looked wrong. LOL
Pie plate? Hilarious.
“The last child looks different.” Rude and Insulting.
“Are they all yours?” Also rude and insulting.
And further advice for passersby: Do not ask my 3 year old daughter if she’s out shopping with her grandmother for the day! Why? Because this 42 yr old mother just might knock your block off. Thanks. Have a nice day!
Wow, some passerby’s have no sense!!!!
And you would be correct, it’s 10 cm
Seriously if I weren’t so huge and pregnant I would be ROLLING ON THE FLOOR.
INCHES!?
Holy mother of moses.