Yesterday, I took the children to the dentist.
Foolishness, I know.
However, I cannot have them known as those homeschooled kids from Ruralville with the grimy teeth.
So. To the dentist we shall go.
Last September, Handsome Dude went for the first time. For some strange reason, the staff at the dentist office was quite certain that he was a girl.
There are a lot of words I could use to describe this boy.
Girly is not one of them.
When the gal called him back, she said,
“We are ready for her!”
And I let it slide. That’s the kind of gal I am.
But when they sent him home with the princess toothbrush, they were crossing the line, folks.
Crossing the line.
So, last week when I called to make the appointment, I casually mentioned to the guy making my appointment that my son was, in fact, of the male species. And appointment dude thought this was uber hilarious and could not believe the mistake they had made.
So we had a good chuckle over it and he promised the situation would be recitified. And that was that.
Let’s move on.
We walk into the appointment yesterday. I hear appointment-maker-dude mention to two other gals the mistake and they all got a good look at Handsome Dude and would giggle and laugh.
I would be lying if I said I was not a bit paranoid.
Is it that hard to tell?
So, they call the three oldest kids back and I sat in the waiting room with Little Dude.
And Little Dude was quite the precious angel, I kid you not. It was baffling.
About an hour into it, a lady comes back to the waiting room.
She is nothing but smiles and pleasantries.
Smiley Lady: Hi, hon! Are you Handsome Dude’s mom?
Me: Yes
Smiley Lady: Well. We are having a slight problem.
A million scenarios are racing through my mind. I am convinced the problem involves either a) urine , b) poop, or c) a and b combined.
Smiley Lady: He is refusing to open his mouth.
Phew!
Me: Ok. Would you like me to go back and talk with him?
Smiley Lady: No! We prefer not to force the children to open their mouths. We will just wait and see if he will let us get a look. If he decides to allow us to, we will clean his teeth. Otherwise, there is simply nothing we can do.
Alright. I’m all for smiling and pleasantries. However, I have to drive 45 minutes each way to the dentist. I have four children and a limited gas budget.
And if I take him to the dentist, and he won’t open his mouth, then what, pray tell, is the point?
No. I am not worried about forcing that kid to do anything.
I have to deal with his broken glasses, peepee toilet seats, piling snow on his bedroom floor, pulling his sisters’ hair, hitting his brother, yelling, kicking, screaming, complete refusal to attempt to chew broccoli, his strange habit of putting everything in ziploc bag, his stealing of gum, his sneaking of cookies and his newest habit: blow-drying his hair in one spot to make it stand straight up.
He can open his mouth at the dentist. It’s the least he can do.
But, I am sure the smiley, pleasant lady is not going to be on board with my plan.
Me: Could you just try one thing for me?
Smiley Lady: Umm . . . .
Me: Just tell him this: Your mother said if you open your mouth you get a piece of gum when we leave.
Bribery. Don’t pretend you don’t do it, too.
So, he opened his mouth.
And now, my dear friends, he is Johnny-Clean-Teeth and he has already used an entire tube of toothpaste and flossed four times since he woke up.
The boy is intense, is he not?
***
Many moons ago, I had a talk with my husband.
You know. The “boy, I know you love me and we have been married for, like, forever, and life is good, but every now and then, and maybe even just like once a year, could you surprise me with flowers or something on a day that is not Valentine’s Day or any other day that you are supposed to bring me a gift?”
Don’t pretend you haven’t had this same discussion with your husband, you fibbers, you.
So, today, my husband comes home.
Me: Hi! You are a bit late. Did you have trouble?
David: No. I just decided to buy you a present.
Glory be and the saints be praised!
Me: Really!?! Wow! You didn’t have to that!
Even though I kind of told him he did.
Me: What is it?!
David: A new water heater!
I know, I know. So disappointing on so many levels.
However. This is actually fantastic news! We truly needed one.
And here’s the best part:
In just a bit here, I get to go “help” him move it into the basement.
Fun fact: I am not helpful when it comes to muscles.
Therefore, we will probably get into a tiff. And maybe, just maybe, tomorrow I will get some “I’m sorry flowers.”
Maybe.
Happy Thursday!
Ooh, ooh! I’ve actually gotten a water heater for a gift, too! I fib you not.
Only this one was used. Rusty, even. You see, it had been pulled it out of another house that was being “cleaned” since the authorities had discovered the location’s use for, well, chemical production. Ugh.
At least it was bigger than our old one! Here’s hoping for flowers on the next try! 🙂
Don’t worry… Your child totally looks like a boy.
And I love the fact that he blow dries his hair where it sticks up. Lol. That’s awesome.
As far as the dentist (and everything else concerning child rearing) I say whatever gets you thru the day : )
Also, your boy looks all boy to me.
And LJ is not winning any friends in the blogosphere what with his 62 degrees and now declaring a water heater a ‘present’ …I think you need some jewelry to go with those flowers!
LOL… My dad’s wedding present to my mom was a new skillet. 😉 We tend to lean toward practical in my family. But yeah, a water heater is pushing it. Hope you get those flowers!
My older son is constantly called a girl because of his name (Tambour–guess it is too closer to Amber or something), and it was worse the year he grew his hair out to shoulder-length. And bribery rules!
P.S. that year the dentist gave my son a Dora toothbrush and toy…
Bribery is underrated and overly judged. I’m with you friend. I’m with you.
Bribe away!
I just wrote a small letter on my blog to the dentist.
Great minds think alike. 🙂
I really haven’t done the “you should get me a gifty” talk. But, I shall remedy that tonight.
I’m afraid the dentist people may be blind if they think your handsome little boy is a girl. In which case I don’t know that they should be using tools in mouths of anyone you love. Just be careful…that’s all. 🙂
He’s a boy. Geesh. I hate these free loving be nice to children-y professionals. The same thing happened when I took Q to swimming lessons. “Oh, we don’t MAKE him put his face in the water…we want him to ENJOY the swimming experience.”
Oh yeah? Well, i don’t want him to drown. See you later. I went somewhere else. He cries every time “NO FAIR! I AM NOT HAVING FUN!”
Guess what? He got a ring off of the bottom of the pool on his second lesson.
Wow. I sound mean. It’s because I’m tired and PREGNANT!
And? I am out of cookies.
AND?
that was pretty much it.
I’m all for bribery at least once… Then I move on to the evil eye… Then the mild but mostly effective whispered threat… Then “wait til your father gets home!” Uh. Haha 🙂
Enjoy your precious water heater – I think you should decorate/paint it hot pink, or better yet, put a big girl smiley face on it and assemble a mop head to make some hair for the top…
My first experience with bribery was when I was but a small child of four. My mother got me to perform on stage in the dance recital with the promise of a Barbie doll. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Glad the teeth are clean and shiny now.
Oh, and hot water is good. What a thoughtful LJ. I once gave my husband a dishwasher. For his birthday. 🙂
I love that you’re almost hoping for a tiff so you could get some flowers! It cracks me up! Good luck with that. 🙂
p.s. I voted for you! AND? It’s not valentines day. You’re number six! But really? You should be number one!
So, since he got you a hot water heater, you should buy something for yourself for him. 🙂 It might work.
Maybe he heard what your Dad does to guys that buy you flowers…
REEDICKERLOUS!
Our dental bill for Itty Bit’s “look-and-see” was over $200. Aint no way I’m leaving next time until they at least put that suction thingie in his mouth.
And rest assured – Handsome Dude in no way resembles the female gender. Methinks the glasses makes his eyelashes look reedickerlously long and that must be why (cuz Itty Bit’s new glasses do the same).
Enjoy your new water heater and pending flowers!
I’m all for bribery and also for medicating fussy children with Benedryl. And you are a way better dentist-attending mother than I ever was!
Your son is certainly all boy. I get gifts like chemical gloves and rubber boots. Bribery is sometimes the ONLY way!
Oh my gosh, totally laughed out loud about the water heater & gift scenario. I had this “discussion” with my Hubby not too long ago, and I’ll be gosh darned if I didn’t get flowers on Valentines Day. WOW.
I got a fancy Lindhaus vacuum cleaner one time.
And a pair of Wusthof knives.
Oh, and All-Clad pots and pans.
My man doesn’t speak flowers, just house-cleaning and cooking apparatuses – which he KNOWS I won’t complain about, because it’s true…they rock…but still, chocolate or flowers or anything that doesn’t remind me of chores I need to do is nice on occasion. 😉
(P.S. I’ll pass on the elk, the pheasant was really good – until I made the mistake of saying, “Hey, that’s pretty darn good soup huh babe?” and he said “Yeah, it’s tasty.” and I was all like “AHAHAHAHAHAHAH, it’s PHEASANT!!!!!” and he said “Oh, well I haven’t actually eaten any meat yet, but the broth is good.” and I’ll be GOSH DARNED if he didn’t eat the rest of it because (and I quote) “I keep thinking about how I blasted those pretty birds with a shotgun, I can’t eat it.”
OH MY LANDS.)
haha!! you make me giggle everytime 🙂 love the quip about helping LJ with the water heater. ~ about your muscles issue and how you will get in a tiff because of it… when we were sheetrockin our ceiling I guess I wasn’t holding up the sheetrock “right”, Handsome Hubby got a little annoyed with me (more than a little ;), so I put my arms down and left him holding it up by himself. “are you going to be nice to me now??” I asked him. yep, that was the last time he got a little annoyed with my help. at least he keeps his mouth shut till the project is done now 🙂
1- All boy
2- Me? Bribery? Never…and I don’t fib either.
3- An apology shower would be even better.
Get your mind out of the gutter. I meant one where you get to use up ALL of the hot water in the new hot water tank all by yourself while LJ watches, entertains, feeds, or even ties to the rafters all 4 little lumberjacklings. You know…one of those showers you haven’t had since your children were born.
I am very glad that H.D.’s troubles at the dentist were neither (a), (b), or (a) and (b) combined.
You will be super helpful, I bet, in moving that heavy object from an upstairs location to a downstairs one! And when you’re all done with the project, you can give each other a good high five. 😉
I fully intended to leave you a whitty yet deeply insightful comment.
I did intend to…
but then I read all the comments…………..and I totally forgot what I was going to say down here.
It seems my brain done followed the white rabbit down the bunny hole.
*sigh*
IOU?
Ahhh – I will have to remember that “non-bribery” when I take my kids to the dentist. Which needs to be soon!
Brilliant gum move!
They really weren’t going to make him open his mouth? I wonder how much they were going to charge you for that. I’m starting to wonder about your dentist’s office. They can’t tell girls from boys and they try to do dental work with a closed mouth. Weird.
Yay for the water heater!
Boo that LJ thinks it counts as a present!
How about this………..make a big hairy deal about taking everyone to the ‘utility room’ or wherever said water heater lives and showing them the wonderful present LJ gave you……..talk about the opposite of bribery…… 🙂
Or take a picture and show it to everyone…….the wonderful present LJ gave me………he may get the point.
Is this the same dentist you freaked out with your wet hands while visiting after your 6-year hiatus?
Bribery is a necessary tool in the mommy arsenal! Except I would not have used gum. I have a weird and passionate hatred of gum. So much so that my oldest feels guilty if he chews it at some one else’s house and I am not around. But I think that guilt is healthy. 😉
Everyone bribes their children and has that “talk” with the Husband. I hope you don’t get into a tiff but I do hope you get some flowers. 🙂
Ha Ha Ha a water heater, think he could be a long lost kinsman to my dad. My mom said for their first valentines day together he got her a dish drainer and ashtrays, she doesnt smoke, he does so guess he thought that was good enough lol. For her birthday he got her a vacuum cleaner, wow he is such a romantic. My husband will not get me surprises. He says I am too dang picky, totally untrue! He will buy me any dang thing I want but I have to tell him what it is, lol.