So, I am sure you have been all dying to see this:
He is looking svelte, no?
Svelte is a fun word, there is no denying it.
David is loving me right now. Because every manly-man wants his birthday-coveralls picture in a blog his wife writes about him being a lumberjack, when he is, in fact, an electrician.
I TOLD you he would look like a train conductor.
Choo. Choo.
Unfortunately, David was born with a freakishly long torso and finds the coveralls a bit uncomfy-like. They must be returned, it cannot be helped. But I get brownie points for trying, right?
David needs new clothes in general. I told him I wanted to buy him some new duds for his birthday and he told me I could get him some Wranglers. Because he is HILARIOUS like that. So, imagine my luck when I find “Wranglers: The Retro Fit.” Ha! They look like something one might find at The Gap. He didn’t even try them on.
The audacity.
And here is a cute picture of Daisy Mae that serves no purpose, but just shows off her uber cute dimples:
Lest any of you are confused, she is wearing her dad’s workcoat and boots.
Alright! Let us move on!
I had the good fortune of going to town yesterday. First stop was the glasses repair shop, because if we don’t stop in at least once a week, the workers go into withdrawls.
I’m sure they find all of Handsome Dude’s mishaps endearing.
These glasses have seen better days.
The astute reader might notice that the frame was previously snapped. It had since been superglued and shrink-wrapped. But, alas. They broke again.
I called to let them know we would need new frames and GUESS WHAT! The old ones were still under warranty for about 12 more hours so we got new ones for free!
FREE!
Next, I had to take the children to Best Buy because my new smart phone was in.
Did I tell you my phone broke? It’s true. So, my new one was in and I had to attempt to corral the children at The Best Buy and make sure they didn’t touch anything ever.
I was helped by a young lad with earrings and spikey hair named Kody with a “K”. Kody was his factual name and I can assure you that Kody does not read my blog, so it is okay to share his real name.
I did not know a young man could raise his eyebrows so much. I can assure you that Kody also does not have children. Little Dude was in his Creepy Creeperton mode and talking in his bunny voice. He was licking his hands and wiping my face and playing with my hair and all sorts of germy things.
Oh! He even found gum someone had stuck under the counter and kept handing me pieces of it.
Because that is sanitary.
Kody’s eyebrows might be permanly stuck in a “shocked” position.
So, Kody was going to try and help me get all of my contacts restored. He asked me for my gmail account email.
Imagine my embarrassment when I have to tell him my email username is:
thelumberjackswife
There went his darn eyebrows again.
Sadly, none of my contacts could be stored. None of them. I have not one contact. And I emailed Bimlissa thrice asking her for her digits and she has ignored me!
I am going to take the hint.
After those two fun errands, I had to meet up with my husband to do some shopping. You see, dear reader, unbeknownst to me, my husband signed us up to be in charge of the first annual work camping trip. Because preparing camping meals for several electricians is exactly what I am prepared to do. And get this: no one else’s wife is coming. So, this will be weird.
David’s work gave him a teeny-tiny budget that in no way can feed all of these people for all of these meals. So David was trying to be creative and come up with ways to save money, bless his heart.
David: I’ve got some steaks.
Me: David. When you say “steak” you mean venison.
David: And we can use that elk and patty up some burgers.
Me: You can’t do this to people!
David: No one is going to care!
Me: Yes! Yes, David! People DO care! It isn’t normal!
David: And I have some of that pork from last fall . . .
Do you remember the pig, readers? Do you?
So, after I threw up a bit in my mouth, I decided that I could just fill up on potatoes and rolls because carbs are my bff.
So, David and I had taken the kids to three stores and were finally on our way home. Do you ever shop at three stores and remember that one item you forgot?
Breadcrumbs. We forgot the breadcrumbs.
You know?
To form the elk into patties so we can pass it off as burgers?
Keep up!
So, we were about to pass the last grocery store before heading out of town and I needed to call David. We were in seperate vehicles, because that’s how we roll.
However, my battery in my new smart phone with no contacts was dying, so I had to keep it plugged into my charger. So I dial David’s number and put the phone on speaker so I can just lean and shout into it, because I am super classy like that.
“Hello?”
Me: BREADCRUMBS!
“Breadcrumbs!?”
Me: BREADCRUMBS!
“Breadcrumbs!?”
Me: BREADCRUMBS! DO YOU WANT TO STOP AND GET SOME? I NEED TO KNOW NOW!
“Who IS this?”
Me: Not funny, David.
“Who is David?”
So, I look at the phone and I have dialed somebody who wasn’t David. And there was all sorts of laughter coming from the person who wasn’t David and his gal pal and I shall forever be known as that crazy BREADCRUMBS lady.
Alright. I must go. I have 30 ears of corn to shuck.
Because corn is the perfect compliment to venison steaks.
Didn’t you know?
Goodbye.
Bwaa hahaha!
We should start calling you and David Hansel and Gretel, or you could start a family band and be known as “The Breadcrumbs.” You’ll certainly be bigger and better than the Beatles. And wouldn’t homeschooling be even more fun if you had to do it while touring on a bus?
You are a gem of a wife. More precious than rubies and all that stuff… 🙂
P.S. Did you know you have a eensy weensy smiley face at the very bottom of your page? It’s cute!
I would attempt to type something amusing, but Derek is weawy, weawy hungry. So I have to go.
But hi.
laughing so hard there are tears in my eyes!
A while back I had some lady calling me repeatedly. I kept ignoring the calls because I did not recognize the number. But she KEPT calling me and hearing the phone ring at all hours of the day/night was annoying, so I finally answered it. When I did she flew into a cussing torrent of rage and abuse for her bleepedy bleep cheating boyfriend. When she finally took a breath I said “hello, can I help you, you seem to have the wrong number” and she immediately realized I was not her bleepedy beep cheating boyfriend. She was so embarrassed. And then she very politely apologized and agreed to stop calling my number.
Every bit of this post had me laughing out loud… From broken glaases to appaled Kody to BREADCRUMBS…. Thanks I needed that…
Your so funny!!! I had some lady call my office phone (wrong number) she proceeded to leave me a voice message telling me she was so sorry she called the wrong number and rambled on and on and on for I swear 4+ minutes. I know how confusing it was for her to even find the number then dial the wrong number and all about her dogs, her son, I didn’t have the heart to hang up and not listen to her voice mail…I mean how rude would that have been?
Venison is not all bad.
Meatloaf
Soup
Rolled and stuffed steaks (baked)
Pounded thin tenderloin sandwiches
Grilled kabobs
Don’t forget to put steak sauce or worcestershire sauce in with the venison and breadcrumbs to make yummy burgers.
And lots of onions.
Haha!!!!! I laughed outloud at this post!
thank. you.
at least you weren’t screaming tampons or condoms, right?
Oh I agree. It could have been so much worse. 🙂
That is just too funny about the breadcrumbs 😛
BTW, if you should ever be out of breadcrumbs again, you can just replace it with cornmeal, should you happen to have any. That is what I use, because I cannot eat breadcrumbs. Works great 🙂
Next time, just put a couple of pieces of toast in the blender/food processor. It will be less embarrassing – but you won’t have a blog post.
You need to find out if kids’ glasses can be made out of the Kevlar stuff. That would be handy.
Barbequed venison is absolutely awesome. I also love it as burgers and a roast.
I can’t help it, I’m laughing out loud at your phone conversation with the mystery man. 😉 Good luck on that manly man camping trip. ewww. 🙂
I was going to tease you about not knowing you could make your own breadcrumbs, but then I realized I didn’t know you could buy them. :0 Blonde to blonde, huh?
I WISH my hubby would wear coveralls, then I could quit worrying about ring-around-the-collar and ironing dress shirts day after day after day…
well, i was going to tell you that your husband looked like an astronaut in his coveralls, but then i couldn’t remember if i was still reading the same post…usually i can keep up! =o) if it were me, i would be glad they are going back…that means no hemming for you!
I tried to share the humor of you family life with my husband–who I think was cut from the same fabric as your husband–but it was incredibly difficult as I couldn’t get any words out with me laughing so hard. When I finally was able to read through it all, he said, nothing.
He just turned and watched the news!
Well, at least you made my day!
Well. I thought I was in contention for ‘wife of the year’ with all my various duties and whatnot at which I serve for my hubs, the absent minded professor.
However.
Camp Cook for the dudes at work with no other womenfolk? That’s a topper, right there. I’ve got not competition for that. That Proverbs 31 lady got nothin’ on you.
OMGosh…my dog is looking at me funny because I NEVER laugh so loudly….you know the best part about the breadcrumbs, is the people you dial also now have a great story to share with ppl about the crazy breadcrumb lady…roflmbo…Thank you for the chuckle..
As for the coveralls, maybe he would settle for some overalls like farmer brown would wear, that way he can adjust the straps for his body length…oh or maybe some super sexy fishing waders so his feet will not get wet in the winter lol.
Kelsie
This was the funniest thing I read all day. Maybe all week, dear breadcrumb lady. And carbs and I are bffs, too. Small world.
I’m not an lol’er
but I totally lol’ed or lol’d or whatever
I did not pmp (pee my pants)
but it was close.
Hilarious. Thanks for a great laugh. You are the best…keep just being yourself and telling us about it.
I have so many comments I shall not list them all here. However, I will tell you that I laughed so hard at this blog real tears came out of my eyes and I threw my head back several times in great laughter. It scared my dog I was laughing so hard. Oh, thank you for your breadcrumbs incident. It made my Monday so much better. I’m still laughing.