Fugitive Pigs

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

You might proclaim:

“Teller!  There are pigs out!”

And you would be right, dear reader.  Oh, yes.  You would be right.  What was really awesome was when the four, yes FOUR, pigs were running down the road.  Like on the actual road.

Turns out that pigs can dig under fences.  Like their friends, the chickens.  Who have also been known to run free about our lands from time to time.  Because, have you heard?  Apparently my life’s purpose it to chase animals.  And I am not very good at it.

These pigs are disgusting.  As opposed to most other pigs.  I mean, have you really ever watched a pig?  They make it their life’s purpose to destroy the ground around them.  They truly do not care what it is . . . they will eat it.

Perhaps that is why they are called:  Pigs.

I tried everything I could think of.  I threw carrots at them.  I threw feed at them.  I spoke sweetly to them.  I yelled at them all furious-like.

They cared not.

For an hour and a half, the kids and I tried to figure out how to get these pigs back to their pen.  Oh, sure.  I could have washed my hands of it and left them out there to snort and plunder freely.

But, let’s think this through.

They were, at one point, on the road.  THE ROAD.  What happens, pray tell, if they go to the neighbors’ lands and destroy everything in their path there?  I ask you?

And, yes.  I have neighbors.

So, the kids and I persevered.  And I will admit, that I only got one pig in the kids got the rest in.  I am not above admitting my kids are better pig ranchers than I am.

At one point, the pigs were trying to dig up Miley’s (our dead dog) grave.  So we parked the 4 wheeler on it.

And when I say “we”, I of course mean Daisy Mae.  Because I don’t even know how to turn it on.

At one point, we came across a dead chicken.  Sweet Pea ran with a shovel and removed the poor dead hen before the pigs had their way with it.

Handsome Dude walked around the perimeter of the fence and figured out all the places where the pigs were pushing their way out.

Little Dude opted out of the fun and went inside to read.  Which was just as well.  I mean, have you met Little Dude?  He would probably let the rabbits loose so they could join the party.

Finally, all pigs were back safe and sound.

Disgusting, are they not?

I went to and nail the board back up across the gate.  (David nails a board across the gate so the boys cannot “accidentally” leave the gate open.)

Alas.  I could not figure it out.

Does this surprise us?

Nay.

Nay, it does not.

So Sweet Pea climbed on the 4 wheeler and we parked it right in front of the gate, where it shall sit until David comes home.

After the pigs were safe and sound, this was the convo I heard amongst the kids.

Sweet Pea:  I love the pigs.

Handsome Dude:  Yes!  They are willy toot!

(He, of course, meant “really cute.”  Please, try to keep up.)

Sweet Pea:  That one is my favorite.  Her name is Charlotte.

(Uh-Oh!  Danger!  Danger!  The kids should not be naming the bacon after beloved book characters!)

Handsome Dude:  I thought he was a boy?

Sweet Pea:  No, that one is a girl.

Me:  Oh, stop.  You don’t know which ones are boys and which ones are girls.

I mean, if I don’t know how to sex a pig, surely the kids don’t.

Daisy Mae:  Yes, we do!

Me:  No, you don’t.

Sweet Pea:  Yes!  Dad taught us.

And right then and there, on this brisk, fall afternoon, my kids taught me how to sex a pig.

I have no more words.

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22 Responses to Fugitive Pigs

  1. Kellie says:

    I kid you not, the first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the title “Fugitive Pigs” on Facebook was “well, that was bound to happen.” 🙂

    You don’t give yourself enough credit. I stress out when I hear the dryer timer go off while helping my ONE school-aged kid with her homework.

    Thanks for the giggles!

    Kellie

  2. Katherine says:

    Yes. Hello.

    This post is hilarious. Pigs are so gross. One of my friends grew up raising pigs. Her dad still does. So not that long ago some other friends of hers and I went to visit her parents. She took us to see the pigs. My life was forever changed. I still eat bacon and sausage but not very often and I completely stopped eating all other pig products. They smelled and looked disgusting. I didn’t know they were so destructive. Or that they would be hard to herd. They look lazy. I feel for you. I really do. Just make sure every time they get out to get some pictures because if anything pictures of the pigs fleeing are funny. Katherine

  3. Christi says:

    You know sometimes there is really nothing to say except “Bless your heart” lol.

  4. Datenutloaf says:

    were you cussing the LJ?

  5. Amy says:

    1. I too thought that this was bound to happen.
    2. Aw, you teach the kids and the kids teach you. That is so precious. And by precious, I mean I would totally love to have all four of your kids because they’re actually precious. I would not trade living spaces with you for much in this world.
    3. All I can think is that I am not even remotely cut out to live your life.
    4. You must REALLY love LJ bunches.
    5. You are truly blessed that Daisy Mae knows all things about the 4-wheeler so it can be a handy tool.

  6. I second the first “Bless your heart.”

    And bless Daisie Mae and all your children for all the fascinating things they teach their mom!

  7. Missy says:

    I’m trying desperately to keep up but the pigs are too fast. And also? Definitely NOT willy toot. But you are willy brave to chase them.

  8. GBDB says:

    How do you sex a pig? My grandmother had pigs, named breakfast, lunch & dinner… we eventually, they were!

  9. Ruth says:

    My daughter and I once had the chance to hear the author of Fever, 1794 talk about her life. She spent 13 months in Denmark on a pig farm. She said she eats pig all the time because “Pigs are Mean!” Charlotte’s Web is a made-up fairytale of a farm, not the truth. As you and your kids are finding out.
    Isn’t it awful the way children talk about sex these days? As in, sexing animals, I mean. I’m sure it’s more than you wanted to know! Don’t tell me!

  10. Connie Moering says:

    Come back to the city! We will get coffee and a pedicure and maybe just maybe a trip to Macy’s.

  11. Debra D. says:

    Well, yuck! You know those bumper stickers that say “Thank a Farmer” and try to make you feel all guilty-like for actually buying groceries from a store instead of growing/raising everything on your own, or those bumper stickers that tell you to “Thank a Truck Driver” because they get the stuff to the store? Yeah, those. I say “THANKS, THANKS A MILLION” cause there is NO WAY there could ever be pigs or chickens in my care. My kids barely got out alive…..

  12. Katie says:

    I kid you not, you are my idea of a superhero! I would have packed up and headed back to the city at the rabbits, and I am from the country.

  13. Well don’t keep us in suspense – how do you sex a pig?!

  14. Gianna says:

    My brother and sister in law had pigs and they moved them around to prepare the land for a garden. Seriously! Every time we went to visit them, the pigs were somewhere else on purpose.

    I think I have figured out what LJ is doing. He’s getting ready to live completely sustainably off the land, but he doesn’t want to learn how to do it so he is making YOU do all the work!

    Lucky you! You may be The Lumberjack’s Wife, but you are also The Pioneer Woman! Move over Ree Drummond!

  15. Kendra says:

    I must say, I have never chased pigs…

  16. Just when I thought your life couldn’t be any more entertaining/scary……. Oh you had me laughing so loud I snorted (like a pig!) at this!

  17. Wichiepoo says:

    Goodness your life is full of adventures!
    That first picture is amazing by the way, it looks like a painting or a professional photo! Great job Teller!
    I don’t know how you do it, seriously 😉

  18. deb says:

    Taylor Maliblahblah, if you post a diagram of pig doodles, I will freak out.

  19. sandy says:

    I know this post is old and I have no idea if you will even see this post, but I had to tell you that I haven’t laughed this hard in months and months! Why don’t you have a reality show??? Honestly, if some family with a child named boo hoo booboo or something like that and is successful…YOURS would be a thrill a minute!
    Thanks for your blog, I stumbled on it tonight thru Town and Country Living and I don’t know how I found that one…but, I’m glad I did.
    P/S, at the very least write a book!

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