This post is disgusting.
Proceed at your own risk.
So, trying to take college courses while rearing children is difficult. Case in point:
Tonight I was attempting to start on my schoolwork. I got all set up when I heard Handsome Dude wailing from outside. And you can imagine my surprise when I see Handsome Dude AND Daisy Mae covered, oh yes, COVERED, in pig poop.
Pig.
Poop.
Turns out they decided to “help” their dad with the pigs and fell down. Needless to say, Taylor’s study time did not happen. But emergency bathroom cleaning did happen. So, there’s that.
Have I mentioned that I feel at times that I was not meant to live this life? Yes?
Let’s look at another example, shall we? David and I were having a little convo regarding the pigs and their upcoming impending doom with the butcher. Just so everyone is clear, before we got the pigs, David assured me that some butcher man would be coming to our place, killing the pigs, and taking the pigs away. I did not want any butchering-nonsense happening at our house.
I knew that David was starting to do his “scheming”. He has had a glimmer in his eye and been watching YouTube videos on how to skin/gut a pig for the past couple of weeks.
What’s that?! You didn’t know there were such videos on the YouTube?
Well, you are missing out, dear friends. Nothing like hearing a pig scream and beg for mercy upon his life. Good times.
You will be pleased to know that I put my foot down and make him wear headphones now during his YouTube sessions.
David: Taylor. If I shoot the pigs and take them into the butcher myself, we will save $50 a pig!
Me: Nope.
David: Why?
Me: I am not going to be THAT person.
David: What person?
Me: The person who has pigs being butchered on her property.
David (trying to look patient): But it will be so much easier.
Me: What’s going to happen?
David: I shoot the pig and then I have to gut it and clean it.
Me: NO! Where are the guts going? Where is the blood going? Ew. No.
David: Well, that’s exactly what the butcher will do if he comes out here.
Me: WHAT?!?!? I thought he was just shooting the pigs and taking them.
David: Well he still has to gut them!
Me: I thought he would just throw the pig carcasses in the back of a shady-looking van and take them away.
David (trying even harder to remain patient): No, Taylor. He would gut them at our house.
So, dear readers. I lost. I am waving my white flag and next weekend the first two pigs will be killed, skinned, and gutted by David. And then they will get transported to a butcher.
But, wait! It gets better!
The butcher will only accept the pig bodies (?) during hours when David is at work. So, I, yes, I, Taylor Maliblahblah, will be hauling two pig bodies into town, where David will meet me and unload them.
But, wait! It gets better!
David will be putting the dead pig bodies in a tarp in the back of my minivan.
Minivan!
And to put my mind at ease, he has assured me he will be purchasing a new tarp. And he promised it won’t smell.
Oh
My
Word.
This was not the life I was meant to lead. To even it all out, my friend, Amanda, and I are going out to get makeovers in the big city the day before the pig butchering event is to commence.
If I am going to be hauling dead pigs to town in my minivan, I am going to look stylish doing so.
OH TAYLOR ! I feel your pain…BUT ! Let me tell you it is not NEAR as bad as having a wild hog hung up from a tree in our front yard, and my dad, while making an attempt to gut it, ran his knife across a giant boil (that was under pressure) and it shot into his face covering his glasses ! My mother and everyone else fell on the ground laughing so hard they couldn’t breath ! So there you have a pig-gutting story that you can share with David should you come in contact with a pig boil…..LOLOL
Our friends butcher there own pigs a drain the blood into the garden as fertilizer…. Count your blessings!
HAHAHA! I told brian what you were doing and the first thing he said was how bad its going to smell!!! HAHAHA! If you didn’t know, brian used to work for a mobile butcher, quite possibly the one you speak of. He knows his dead pig smells! Lol Godspeed, my friend!
Where will the children be during all this? Away for a weekend with grandparents? Please say yes.
Nope. Nope, Nope…and…Nope. $100 is money WELL SPENT!!! Sell some of the meat before hand to pay for it. No way. Pigs squeal like humans. It’s awful. And what is going to happen to the 2nd one’s mind when he sees his friend bite the dust? He will flip out and SQUEAL. You should not be there. Be far away. With the kids. Far Far Far away.
How much bacon comes from one pig? Can you fit 2 pigs worth of pork in your deep freeze? Are you going to sell some of the meat? Will David give those piggies a bath before/after he kills them? you know, to help with the smell in the car. I agree with Brandy ^ Stay far far away from home on that special day.
Good thing you are young and not prone to heart
attacks…because this could kill you.
Oh that will smell!!! And they will scream!!! I think you should make a trip to town that day. Coming from a kid who grew up butchering all kinds of animals with Dad then hiding the tails under her sister’s sheets…
Well, at least they’re not in clear jars where we have to look at them.
oh.my.word. Holla!!!
Taylor, does this mean you will be giving up bacon, too?
Did David at least give you a good Valentine’s Day gift to butter you up for all this pig squealing/shooting/dying/bleeding?
Oh, for the love…*gagging*….so. gross. It’s going to smell. It’s going to smell real bad. He knows that after the deed is done and you have dead, gutted pigs in your minivan, you’ll have no choice but to finish the work. *gagg* pigs are gross!
I couldn’t do it, Taylor. I. Could. NOT. Do. It.
You are more woman than I am.
Wow!
There is really nothing more to say.
Wow.
I also don’t think the pigs are
big enough to be butchered yet.
Definitely waiting to see your (prize winning) photography on this!! Yippee, have fun…
Taylor, repeat after me…NO NO NO NO…JUST NO!
You can’t see me, but I am on my knees begging you…don’t do it!
And this comes from my many, many seasons of deer hunting/gutting/cleaning eye witness accounts.
Better you than me, that’s all I have to say. LOL I will keep you in my prayers!
Love it.
Love it.
Love. It.
This sounds hauntingly similar to conversations that happen at my place, only it’s usually me doing the wheedling and my husband the trauma surgeon sticking his fingers in his ears and screaming “Lalalala I can’t hear you!”
Thanks so much for the chuckle. It would hand-to-God make my day if you would pop over and say hi sometime.