The Post in which I Bottle Feed a Calf

As I have been sitting here, researching how to “bottle feed a calf,” it has occurred to me that I have neglected my blog.  A lot has happened, my friends.

Let us begin.

1. WE BOUGHT A NEW CAR.

It is almost too fancy and I cannot believe it.  And DAVID PICKED IT OUT.  It opens with ease from the back and my life will never be the same.  I refer to it as the “Sweet Infiniti”.  Me:  There will be no eating in my “sweet Infiniti.”

Kids:  That will last 2 days.

(They were right)

2. Sweet Pea went to prom.  This is devastating news.   This means she is growing up.  She also started Driver’s Ed and got a job.  I don’t know what is happening.

3.  You may or may not recall that I like to incubate chicken eggs in my classroom each year.  Last year, one hatched.  This year?

37.

Do you know what a classroom smells like with 37 chicks living in it.  I will tell you.  It smells like a farm.  Do you know what a farm smells like?  I will tell you.

Poop.

I had THE BEST class this year.  After I took everyone’s photo with a chick, one of the kiddos insisted they take my picture with a chick.

All the chicks are living happily at our home.  And squeezing through fencing and eating my garden.  David doesn’t have time to fix the chick fencing.  David is building a deck.

4.  David is building a deck!  Or, at least, he is trying to.  David is a busy guy.  He knocked down our old teeny deck and he is trying to build a giant, beautiful deck that may or may not include a hot tub at a future date.

5. The boys are currently involved in a serious love/hate relationship with each other.  One day as we were driving home, they were fighting like crazy.  I had to ban ALL TALKING and everyone had to sit on their hands and look out the windows.

Yes.  My boys are 11 and 10 now.  Why do you ask?

Anyways, as per the usual custom, one of them broke the NO TALKING rule in the car and asked if he could go exploring when he got home.  The other brother fancied this idea and they became insta-friends just like that!  Worst enemies to best buds in minutes!

Boys:  Mom!  We found an antler and a flower.  The flower is for you.  It might be poisonous.  We don’t know.

6.  Little Dude turned 10.

Every year he wants to go camping, and every year he wants the Kit Kat/M&M cake.

7.  Strawberries!  Our garden exploded with them.  Here is a picture of the amount we picked after Little Dude’s birthday camping trip.

Handsome Dude:  Well, now I know how strawberry farmers must feel if they try to take a vacation!

8.  It is hay season!  Getting hay is hard work.  The kids are becoming more of a help to David, making it a bit easier on him.

9)  In May, David bought 2 cows.  We were told one cow, named Matilda, was pregnant and due in September.  The other cow, Rosie, was not pregnant.

Last week, Little Dude and I decided to walk out and check on Matilda.  We found that she had twin boy calves!  David wasn’t home-he was actually on his way to buy MORE PIGS (story of my life).  I called him up.

Me:  David!  Matilda had twins!

David (shouting because that’s what you do when you are off to buy pigs and the connection is spotty):  WHAT?

Me:  Matilda!  Twins!

David:  ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT OUR COW HAD TWO BABIES?

Me:  Yes!

Daisy Mae was in the truck with him at the time.  She said she had never seen David so excited.

David to Daisy Mae:  DO YOU REALIZE WE HAVE JUST DOUBLED OUR COW POPULATION?!

Matilda is a black cow with a white spotted face.  One twin looks just like her.  The other twin is solid black.

The black twin was born with something wrong with his front legs.  David had to tape them to make them straight. With the tape, he was able to get around just fine.  But really, I have no idea what I am doing, so who really knows if he will be ok?

The pasture area where we keep the cows and horses has a lot of brush.  Twice a day, we go out there and try to find the twins.  Surprisingly, with all the brush, it takes quite awhile.  After a bit, I began to notice the black twin wasn’t near the mother very often, while the white faced one was.  On Wednesday night, I saw the black twin, now named Tiny Tim, try to nurse from Matilda.  She was a big, fat Meanie Pants and kicked him away.

And that brings us to why I, Taylor Maliblahblah, the girl who never wanted to live in the country, am researching how to bottle feed calves.

I seriously have no idea what I am doing.  And it is a scary thing to think the calf’s life is in my hands.

On Thursday, the boys and I went to the store and bought the necessary supplies.  We came home and began the daunting task of locating Tiny Tim.  The three of us looked for at least a half of an hour, when HD finally came across him.  He was very weak and lethargic.  We tried and tried but we could not get him to drink from the bottle.  Finally, after about another half hour of trying to get this calf to suck on a bottle, he figured it out.  Half way through the bottle, he stood up!  He chugged that bottle down.  With all of his new energy, he decided to meander up to where the horses were and HD decided to try and feed him a second bottle.

One of our horses, Chico, is mean and I do not care for him.  Well, Tiny Tim, who was enjoying this glorious thing called eating, decided to try to nurse off of Chico’s private regions.  Chico did not appreciate this and was about to trample all over Tiny Tim.   Since I am basically now Tiny Tim’s mother, I did not appreciate this.

And I did NOT just bottle feed a calf to have him get trampled by a horse.

The calf was too weak to get out of the way of the horse.  So.  I picked him up and carried him to the opposite end of the pen.

Me.  I PICKED HIM UP.  I was like She-Man.

But that mean horse Chico followed us and was acting a bit aggressive.  So I called David and he told me to get Tiny Tim out of the pen.

So, I got back into She-Man mode and carried/ran Tiny Tim to safety.  I am basically the best Mama Cow on our property right now.

I called David to tell him all that I had done:

I found the calf!

I bottle fed the calf!

I got the confused calf who tried to nurse a horse’s private regions to safety!

I carried him again to safety!

David’s response:  Ok.

OK?!  Sheesh.  I felt I deserved much more accolades.  But I digress.

When David got home, he made a smaller pen for Tiny Tim.  Tiny Tim is now safe from mean mama cows who kick him when he is hungry and from mean horses who want to murder him.

Our night doesn’t end there though, my friends.  While David was fixing up the pen, the cow Rosie got out.  So we all had to go and help David bring Rosie back.

Rosie was not having it.  She was running through neighbors’ properties, mooing angrily and pooping everywhere.  I am sure our neighbors find us charming.  David brought a rope and kept trying to lasso Rosie.  But, alas.  David is not a cowboy.  And David is actually not-so-good at lassoing cows, bless his heart.

After a good 45 minutes of failed lassoing and a lot of pooping, we were able to lead Rosie back home.  We got her all back safe and sound, then David and Handsome Dude set off with shovels and the 4-wheeler to remove inferior cow poo off of neighboring fields.

And that, my friends, is what is new in our worlds.

Happy Summer!