On Sunday, David and the boys went hunting and the girls and I cleaned the house. I am starting to get the impression that I do a lot of house cleaning.
Anyways. My neighbor calls. Apparently two of my steers are over at her property trying to socialize with her bison herd.
Yes. My neighbor has a bison herd. Doesn’t yours?
This is so embarrassing, Friends. Not too long ago, she would have to call me about my naughty dogs being on her property. Last Spring, Little Dude lost a piglet and they found it on their property. I fear she might be getting the feeling that we don’t have our ducks in a row over here. And she is probably glad we don’t have ducks. Because if we did, they would probably be over at her place.
I go out to “help” her get the steers in. Basically, I am just standing out there for moral support while she tells me the plan. And that is for the best. You learn to trust people who own bison herds.
Me: Man. We finally got our dogs to stop coming over. Now it is the steers. Maybe we need to try shock collars on the steers!
*chuckle, chuckle*
We watch the steers run to the back of the property and I get all gooberish with love for them.
Neighbor: I am telling you, you should name that one Houdini.
“That one” is Dutch Bro. Dutch Bro is ALWAYS out.
Me: We already had a steer named Houdini. But he died.
Taylor. Spreader of joy and goodwill.
Neighbor: Oh.
Me: His name is Dutch Bro because he looks like coffee. Isn’t he cute? He was born around the first week of May. And the other one with him is named Rocky and he was born a couple of weeks after Dutch Bro. Aren’t they big?
This is Taylor 2.0. I now gush to neighbors about my handsome steers. But I can’t believe how fast they grow! I carried Dutch Bro to safety when he was a day old. He now probably weighs about 400 pounds. Have I told you before that I love my cows?
Anyways. David gets home from hunting a bit later.
Me: We got problems.
David: Tell me about it.
Me: Oh, did the neighbor call you to?
David looks defeated. This is not what his problems were and now I have added to his list. Oops.
We decide to deal with the steer issue later and turn our attention to the four children, the messy house, the hungry bovine, and the fact that the children must head to town without us soon.
Around 2pm, the children head out, leaving David and I alone. I am hoping to take a nap, but David reminds me that we have work to do.
David: I thought you wanted to take care of the issue with Rocky and Dutch Bros.
Me: He is just ONE steer! His name is Dutch BRO. It is singular.
David: Sorry.
I get a little touchy about things when I need a nap.
So, we don our mud boots and head out to the cow pen. David has brought with him the 4 wheeler, a knife, all of his muscles, and many ropes and halters. I brought my winning personality.
David tells me the plan. I like when people tell me the plan because I never have one.
We need to castrate Jesse James and we need to rope up Dutch Bro and Rocky and move them to a pig pen. We are sure hopeful that Dutch Bro and Rocky cannot wiggle their way out of a pig pen.
David approaches a calf and thinks it is Rocky.
Me: No! That is Jesse James! Born to Babs on August 5, 2019!
David: Oh. Where is Rocky?
Huh. It looks like I brought my winning personality AND my superior knowledge of our herd.
So we walk around with these giant ropes and I don’t know how to use one, but David gave me one and humor him I will. He had to keep stopping me and redoing the rope because I kept messing it up. But I don’t know how I was messing it up because I don’t really understand the mechanics of the rope in the first place.
Shockingly, David is the one to rope Rocky and not me. He is struggling a bit and I decide to be his help meet.
Me: David! Would you like me to get the harness?!
David (struggling to wrangle Rocky, who is about 450 pounds): IT IS CALLED A HALTER!
Me: Sorry.
David gets a little touchy when he is about to be crushed by a steer and his wife uses the wrong vocabulary word.
I grab the HALTER and hand it to him and David has some grand plan to attach Rocky to the 4 wheeler and have me, Taylor 2.0, drive the 4 wheeler and pull Rocky to the pig pen. Except, I don’t actually remember how to work the 4 wheeler. Oops. So David has to struggle with Rocky and teach me. Then he has to yell at me because I apparently got a rope stuck in the wheels and like I knew that was going to happen. And he is not yelling at me in anger, I just think he is trying to keep everyone alive. Because Rocky is not a fan of our plan to move him.
Anyways, after about 45 minutes we get Rocky to the pig pen.
We head back in.
This time, we find our friend, Jesse James. Jesse James is not a naughty pants who gets out of the pen, but he is due to lose his manhood. And remember. David and I are the husband/wife castration dream team.
So my job is to hold a rope tight and David has the bigger job of roping the feet, throwing the calf to the ground, and cutting off the testicles.
Yes. This is what David and I do when we have the house to ourselves.
Go out on a date? Heck, no! Let’s castrate!
Babs, Jesse James’ mother, decides she is going to care about her child at this moment and starts to go after David. So, now he is struggling with a 200+ pound calf, many ropes, an ignorant wife, a knife, and an angry cow who his wife named, “Babs.”
Babs decides to care for about 90 seconds, then she leaves Jesse James, who is still tied up, to go back to eating. Cows are fans of eating.
The castration is successful. Jesse James is now a steer.
Now, we must get the elusive Dutch Bro. We are out there working on catching him for at least an hour and we are completely unsuccessful. We watched him wiggle under a wire in the fence about 10 inches off the ground.
?
And he ran away from us. Probably to go and see his new bison friends.
David says we are done because his mud boot is now broken and we head inside to try and watch the football game.
Fun Fact: We never watch football live. We always set timers and then avoid human interaction for hours as to not get any spoilers.
As we are watching the game, another neighbor calls to let David know that one of his steers is out.
DUTCH BRO!!!!! (shaking fists in the air)
So David comes up with a new stellar plan that included moving vehicles around as barricades and each of us holding a broom.
And it worked! He was in the pen with Rocky in about 7 minutes.
Dutch Bro’s mama, Rosie, is also in the pen with them. We put her in there last week because she is way too skinny and the other cows are mean to her and won’t let her eat.
We head back inside and enjoy the quiet house of no children and I kid you not, I was asleep by 7:45pm.
Best. Day. Ever.
This morning, I woke up to a lot of angry mooing. Turns out Matilda, Rocky’s mom, is not a fan of our new plan to keep her calf away from her. She stood by the fence that divides them all morning and moo’d for him.
Naturally, I must call David.
Me: Hey! Bad news. We have broken Matilda’s heart and so I think we need to put Rocky back in the big cow pen with her.
David: And you are ok with him just going on the neighbor’s property?
Me: Well, no. But I think it was all Dutch Bro’s fault. He is probably a bad influence on Rocky and Rocky probably only follows him out.
David: *sigh*
Me: So I know it will be dark when we all get home tonight, but maybe we can figure out a way to reunite them?
David: *sigh*
I suspect David is LOVING having me, Taylor 2.0, be his help meet in the cattle business.
I am bring him joy.
