Clothe the Naked.

Today, I spent a lot of quality time with the dudes.  I do not have to drag them around on errands as much anymore, as they are old enough to stay home alone for small bursts of time.  And it reminded me of the days of yore.  When they were my BFF and we had to go everywhere together, even the toilet stalls.  I shudder.  And I cannot decide which is worse with these two:  the toddler years or the preteen years.

Let us discuss.

I had many errands to run, and they had to come along because one was a haircut for them and the other was their yearly well check at the pediatrician.

Here is what I need you to understand:  there is non stop heckling.  I am called “boomer” every 10 seconds, even though I was born in 1981 and am definitely not a “baby boomer.”  They are also competitive about everything, and are even competitive about who is more competitive.

I have gotten smarter in my old age, so I now bribe them.  They love to get Dutch Bros for a treat.  LD always tries to get Red Bull.  Ha.  Like this is my first rodeo with him.  Anyways, they want Dutch Bros right from the get-go.  But I am old (not baby boomer old) and smart and know how days with the Dudes go.  So I tell them:

“We’ll see how your behavior is today.”

And, please understand.  They behave atrociously.  But if I simply look at them while they are punching each other at Costco and say:
“Dutch Bros”

They straighten right up and say ridiculous things, such as:

“Is there anything I can do to help, Mother?”

And HD thinks he is humorous and always says:

“Is there anything I can do to help, Mother Theresa?”

Can you see my eyes rolling from where you are?

At one point we stopped at a thrift store.  I enjoy finding sweatshirts and shoes for these two monkeys at thrift stores as they are likely to :

A) Lose clothing

B) Stain clothing

C) Outgrow clothing

D) Put giant holes in clothing

LD:  CLOTHE THE NAKED!

Me:  Huh?

LD:  CLOTHE THE NAKED!

Me:  Why are you saying that?

LD:  Because that’s what the thrift store says.

And I never noticed it, but there is a giant painting of Jesus and it says, “Clothe the Naked” on it and now LD will repeat it for all eternity.

I took them to get their hairs cut.  We get our haircut by Haircut Lisa.  Haircut Lisa has cut my hair since I was probably six years old.

She is also not a boomer.  But, I digress.

As she was making the boys all handsome, she and I were taking a walk down memory lane.  And remembering how “challenging” the dudes were.  And here were two stories I remembered.

Boys Toddler Story #1:

When the kids were little, I always had to do clothes shopping with them.  I could trust the girls to meander about the store while I tried on clothes-but the boys?!  NEVER. So they always had to come into the fitting rooms with me.

I shudder.

I was always very discreet with them and careful when trying on clothes.  But do you know who is NOT discreet?

Little Dude.

And I was trying on clothes, and was definitely NOT naked, and he started sing/shouting:

“I see Mom’s penis!  I see Mom’s penis!”

So that was fun.

Boys Toddler Story #2:

I had to go to the doctor and could find no one to babysit.  I wonder why?  The nurse told me she needed a urine sample.  She was of the no-nonsense type and I could tell she would definitely mind keeping an eye on the boys.  So I carted them to the bathroom so I could “watch” them as I performed the urine sample.

And LD just opened the door and walked out.  Right as I was midstream.

And I had to waddle/chase after him.

And here is the best part:  the door opened into a waiting room.

Preteen Boys Today:  Gosh, Mom.  You always say embarrassing things.

Me:  Oh?!  I am sorry.  You are embarrassed?  Huh?

Also Me:  These are the stories you will remember each Mother’s Day.  For every Mother’s Day from now until eternity, you will owe me bouquets of flowers.

HD:  Whatever, Mother Theresa.

LD:  CLOTHE THE NAKED!

So then we go to the doctor for the well checks and I am watching these two hooligans and getting a glimpse into what it must be like to be a middle school teacher.

I shudder.

And we must all pray that the Lord will bless and keep all middle school teachers from now until all eternity.  Amen.

At one point, the doc had to do some checking that was more “private” in nature.  HD was very concerned that LD would look.  LD promised he would not, and then completely flopped down facing the opposite direction.

Like so:

C9A0315C-74C4-4192-BA15-632829CC434D

He is like a giant man-child.  And I found those shoes at the “Clothe the Naked” thrift store.  They are size 11.

Me to David:  I am going to save these for when they will fit into them.

LD:  Thanks for the new shoes!  They fit just great!

Also.  He is literally off the charts in all the growth charts.  Like, literally.  Like his little dot is above all the lines.

He needed a shot and melted into a complete and udder baby.  I jokingly said, do you need me to hold your hand, and he shouted “YES!”

So, I held onto my giant man boy, who has bigger hands than me and is at least an inch taller than me.

And I bought them Dutch Bros.

And if I had a nickel for every time LD shouted, “Clothe the Naked,” that Dutch Bros would have been FREE.

Happy Thursday!

 

 

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6 Responses to Clothe the Naked.

  1. Melissa K says:

    I taught middle school right out of college. I actually loved it way more than when I later taught 1st and 2nd grade.

    I remember that dressing room story, since I am a longtime, devoted reader. You didn’t use the actual word 9 years ago, though, back when this was a family-friendly blog.

    😁

  2. Lisa says:

    Oh my goodness! Precious post! You brought be back to the days of carting (what felt like) all of creation around town. (I now have 5 teenagers, BUT 5 babysitters for the bottom 3 and DRIVERS! Bless extra drivers!) It’s truly an amazing thing to run errands by oneself! I could so relate to your stories!

    My husband is a middle school teacher. He is a remarkable man. My eyes would be stuck in a perma-roll if I tried such a thing.

  3. B says:

    One of these days he will protect you as you have him. 😉
    Good find on the shoes.

  4. Allison says:

    Holy moly. Your child has bigger feet than my husband. I mean, my husband is only 5’10” but seriously, that is crazy.

  5. Marlinda Beachy says:

    Oh my gosh-between seeing Mom’s penis, making you waddle into the waiting room, and clothing the naked…they deserve every embarrassing thing you can do to them now. LOL

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