Oh, Ophelia

Today, I took a break from my new career as a Fixer Upper and took Kate into town to get her wisdom teeth out.

Did you remember that I had teen daughters?  I do.  I have two of them.  They are like faint whispers in the wind.  Sometimes they are home, sometimes they are at work, sometimes they are at the beach, we never really know.

Anyways, I took Kate into town for wisdom teeth removal.  She was very concerned that she would say something embarrassing.  When they told me I could come back, I asked the nurses if she had said funny things.

Nurse:  Oh, no.  We cannot even get her to really wake up.

And that was a very accurate description.  Kate was completely zonked.  They kept trying to get her to wake up, point to me, do anything, and it was all too much for her.  They wheeled her down to the car and we had to actually pick her up and place her in the vehicle.

Nurse:  Now she can’t sleep right now.  Keep her up until you get home!

Me:  Got it!

Well, I totally failed at that job.  I stopped by the pharmacy to drop off her prescriptions and then went to run a couple of errands while they filled them.

I know.  A terrible time to run errands.  But we live by a rule that states we only go to town once a day.  And we abide by that rule.

Kate:  What’s going on?!

(Please understand, she is swollen and her mouth is full of bloody gauze.)

Me:  Well, hello!  Please stay awake.

Kate:  How did I get here?

Me:  A wheelchair to the car.

Kate:  Did I walk?

Me:  No, you were carried.

Kate:  Oh.

Me:  Don’t go to sleep!

Kate:  I wonder why they took my tongue?

Me:  You still have your tongue.

Kate:  Are you sure?

Me:  Yes.  Do you want to snuggle with Ophelia?

Kate:  YES

*Kate falls asleep*

Ophelia is a stuffed elephant that Kate’s boyfriend, Auggie, gave her.  Ophelia is named after this song.

I had to go to Lowe’s.  I had to go to Lowe’s because I was in town, and we only go to town once a day. IT IS A RULE. And I needed another can of Sea Serpent blue because Pinterest is giving me IDEAS, man.

So, I pull up to Lowe’s.

Me:  Kate.  Wake up.

Kate:  Yeah?

Me:  I am going into Lowe’s.  I am leaving the car on with the air conditioning running.

Kate:  How did I get here?

Me:  A wheelchair.

Kate:  Oh.  Do you know why they took my tongue?

Me:  They did not take your tongue.  I am going into Lowe’s.  You need to stay put.  Here is your phone.  You can call me if needed.

Kate starts checking Instagram.  I find this to be a good sign.

Me:  If you have a problem, do you know who you should call?

Kate:  Yes.  Auggie.

Me:  No!  Me!

Kate falls asleep.

I go into Lowe’s.  I do my shopping.  As I am shopping, I get informed by HD that he was trying to paint for me, but ran the bobcat into the porch portico and it is now knocked off a little bit.

Which is what every mother wants to hear when she is 45 minutes away.

Me:  Call Dad.

HD:  Why?  The porch hasn’t fallen down or anything.

Me:  CALL YOUR DAD

Then I get a text from Kate.

Kate:  where r u

This is how teens text.  Also, she has this weird thing where she will not ever capitalize letters.

Me:  I am in Lowe’s.  Please stay there.

Kate:  i can come find you.  we can play hide and seek.

What the what?!

So, I get my SEA SERPENT BLUE and get back to the car.  She is asleep.

But not for long.

Kate:  Have I had surgery yet?

Me:  Yes.

Kate:  Oh.  I wonder why they took my tongue.

Me:  Alright, Sis.  You said earlier there were a few things you wanted from the store.  Do you want me to stop at the store, or do you want me to ask Hadley to bring some stuff home after work?

Kate:  I don’t care.

Me:  Well, are you going to sit still in the car and not get out?

Kate:  Sure.  Can you get ice cream?

Me:  Yes.

Kate (delighted):  Oh!  How did Ophelia get here?

Me:  I handed her to you.

Kate:  But, Mom.  GOOD ice cream.

Me:  Ok.  What kind do you want?

And then she just kind of waved her hands around and went back to sleep.

Excellent.

So, I go and get the necessary groceries and go back to the car.  Kate has decided to spit out the bloody gauze and it is just laying on her shirt.

Kate (calmly):  My tongue just fell out.

Me:  No, that is the gauze.

Kate:  Oh.

Me:  Ok.  We need you to eat and take your meds.  What do you want?  I bought yogurt.

Kate:  Dutch Bros.  Smoothie and coffee.

Me:  Got it.

Kate:  MOM!  They can’t see me.  They know me.  And I look like a vampire.  Look.

And she opens her mouth and it is full of blood.  Very macabre.

Me:  I will do all the talking.  You just hide behind Ophelia.

Kate:  How did I get in the car?

Me:  For the love, Child.

So, we go to Dutch Bros.  And are there Dutch Bros all over the country, or just here in the Pacific Northwest?  Dutch Bros is a hoot.  It is a coffee stand that is having a party.  All employees are on cloud nine and just DELIGHTED that you have come to purchase coffee from them today.  Their customer service is top notch.  Unfortunately, they did not have spoons to offer with the smoothie, and Kate cannot use a straw.

So, I go pick up the prescriptions.  And I had the audacity to ask the pharmacist if they happened to have a plastic spoon, because that seems logical.

They did not.

So, then I had to go to another store and go through the whole song and dance with Kate once more.

Me:   You got in the car by wheelchair.  You have your tongue.  Stay in the car!

And I power walked to the plastic cutlery and made my purchase and went back to the car.

Kate was asleep.

Me:  Ok, time to wake up!  You need to eat.  Would you like your smoothie or some yogurt?

She chose smoothie.

I open the cutlery only to find I had purchased plastic forks.

Me (staying positive and definitely not going back in the store):  This will work just fine!  See?

And I demonstrated to her how one can eat a smoothie with a fork.

She had a few bites and I gave her many pills.  And then we hit the road because I had two boys to get home to and a hopefully still-standing house.

Kate:  I need a break!  I need a break from this smoothie!

Me:  Ok, no worries.

And she fell asleep.

I got home.  The house was still standing.  The boys were annoyed that I bought Kate Dutch Bros and not them and no fair.

The End.