Two Boys and a Subaru

Upon occasion, I am able to do my job from home.  The boys do not have school on Fridays, so I stayed home in the morning and taught my classes from the kitchen table.

Little Dude thoroughly enjoys my lessons.  I have my headset on, so my students do not hear him, but he is always answering questions and coming up with rhyming words, and having a great time doing so.

After I taught my lessons, I had to drive to town and work from our school building in the afternoon.  I took the dudes with me because David’s dad wanted them to come over for a bit.

So.  I logged off my class meeting and fixed the boys lunch.  I prepared them each one entire can of chili with Fritos, cheese, and sour cream.

Then we drove to town and met up with Grandpa.  I went to work and then we met up again later.

Grandpa was thrilled to have the boys over, as they are now uber handy and tackled a few projects for him.  He informed me that Grandma had made tacos and the boys ate a ton of tacos for lunch.

Me:  Oh.  I had already fed them lunch.

Grandpa:  Yeah.  They said that, but they also said they were starving.

Me:  What else is new?

So we say our goodbyes.  Kate was home working on homework and had requested pizza, so I had Papa Murphy’s in the car.

And now, I would like to expose you all to a little something I called:

“The Horror of Driving in a Small Vehicle With Two Large and Obnoxious Middle School Boys.”

To set the scene, please be advised that I STILL do not have my SUV.  It is STILL in the shop from David hitting a deer on September 11th.  I have the old Subaru.

I truly don’t mind the Subaru.  And I am saving a ton in gas.  It is just that the boys are so close to me. And we have an hour commute each way.  And they can be a bit much.

So, we start to head home.  Handsome Dude starts in immediately on being so so so so so so starving and can I please please please drive through somewhere so they can have a little snack on the way home?

Me:  No.

HD (flailing and sighing and moaning, as middle school boys are wont to do):  Geez, why?

Me:  Because it is 4:30pm.  And you had chili at 11:45 and tacos at 1:30 and you will have pizza when you get home.

HD:  This is seriously child abuse, Mom.  I cannot believe you would not let your own child have food when they are hungry.

Me:  Bummer.

Meanwhile, LD is in the front passenger seat.  He is playing some dumb game on his phone.  HD is very interested in this because sadly he lost his phone.

He did not “lose it” in the conventional sense.  It was “taken away” by his father for hitting his brother.

HD also claims that this is child abuse.  But, I digress.

Me:  I am tired.  I just want to listen to the music and drive home in peace.

LD:  Sounds good, Ma.

So, I am trying to listen to the music and the LD is playing some game.  The boys are loud and I am trying to ignore them.

Reader.  Do you recall that I have a hearing problem?  I do.  And my deaf ear is the ear near the boys.

LD:  I cannot wait to squeeze Gram’s cheeks!

Me (turning music off):  WHAT?

LD:  What?

Me:  That is a super weird thing to say.

LD:  What?

Me:  You want to squeeze Gram’s cheeks?!?

LD:  Mom.  I said I want to squeeze Rio’s cheeks.

Me:  Oh.  Well, that’s ok, I guess.

LD:  Gross, Mom.  Why would you even think about that?

Me:  Sorry.

(Reader.  Rio is our kitten.  Please try and keep up.)

We continue on the blessed journey home.

LD starts repeatedly shouting: Boobs!

Me (turning music down):  WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

LD:  I yelled move?

Me:  Ok.  I guess that is alright.

Oh.  I have also entered this fun new parenting phase where I have to teach them the importance of putting a seatbelt on again.  So, that’s our latest daily battle.

Me to HD:  Dude.  That’s not safe.

HD:  Gosh, Mom.  I am buckled.

Me:  Yeah, that’s not gonna work.

HD:  Yes, it does work, Karen.

Me:  NO.  IT DOES NOT WORK.  SIT UP.  AND DO NOT CALL ME KAREN.

HD:  Gosh.  Child abuse.

Now that I have thoroughly annoyed the dudes, they are going to start in on a little segment I like to call:

Let’s Make Fun of Mom and Hope We Live To See Tomorrow

HD:  Did you see Mom teaching today?

LD: Haha.  Yeah.

HD:  She still has her stupid gamer headphones on.

LD:  Haha.  Yeah.

Me:  Are you referring to my headset?

HD:  Yes.  You look dumb.

Me:  That’s fine.  This is how I teach the children.

HD:  Mom, you looked so dumb when you stood for the pledge.

Me:  Why?

HD:  Because you are standing there saying the pledge to no one and there is no flag.

Me:  I am saying the pledge with 21 first graders and we have a picture of the flag on the screen.  It is the best I can do.

Boys chuckle and giggle and think I am an embarrassment to society.

Me to LD:  Dude.  You like my lessons.

LD:  I do actually.  I know all the answers.

The boys go back to playing on the phone and I go back to listening to music.

LD shouts:  She is like 80% Hoe!

Me:  What?!?

LD:  What?

Me:  WHAT DID YOU SAY?

LD:  She’s 80% pro?

Me:  Well.  I guess that’s alright.

So, Reader.  Here is the question.  Is my hearing THAT BAD, or are they messing with me?

Oh, and I love my deafness at night.

Tank the dog was panting heavily in the wee hours of the morning.

David:  We need to do something about that dog.

Me:  Oh. He is fine.

As I turned around and laid on my good ear so I would not hear the noise any longer and enjoyed my blissful slumber.

***

Here is a picture of the whole Maliblahblah family from Alex and Lauralee’s wedding.

Later, Dudes.