The Belt

I took the boys to their well-exams a few days ago.  The doctor asked LD if he had done anything fun, such as go to the local amusement park?

LD:  Nope.  My parents are poor and we never do anything fun.

He is a treasure.

He is also 5’10”, much to the dismay of his older brother, who is only 5’8″.  And in case you were wondering, I, myself, and 5’6″ and spend a lot of my days looking up at these two treasures and attempting to yell/parent them.  And it is going about as well as you might imagine.

They are quite entertaining, those two yahoos.  And they get confused a lot.

Confusing Scenario, Numero Uno:

We had visited family friends and this family had adopted out a child many years ago due to a young pregnancy, and they are open about it and do have contact with her and all is  happy and lovely and blessed.

Son:  Why don’t they see that kid all the time?

Me:  Well, she was adopted to another family.

Son:  I bet she feels bad that they don’t see her often.

Me:  I think she is ok because she has an adoptive family.

Son:  But that’s not her mom and she doesn’t see her mom all that much.

Me:  But the adoptive mother IS her mom.

Son:  What?

Me:  That girl was raised by those parents and she knows them as her parents and loves them and they love her.

Son:  But I bet she feels bad.

Me:  I don’t think she does.

Son:  I am confused.

Me: It would be like if we had adopted you as a newborn and we raised you.  You would know us as your parents, even though we had not given birth to you.

Son:  Oh, so I am adopted?

Me:  *face palm*

Son:  I don’t get it.

Me:  I am not sure how else to help you.

Confusing Scenario #2

Son:  Mom!  Play that “Armadillo” song!

Me:  Huh?

Son:  You know:  Armadillo by morning . . .

Me:  You mean, “Amarillo by Morning” by George Strait

Son:  Nope.  Pretty sure it’s Armadillo.

Confusing Scenario #3

HD is now working.  Like at a job where they needed his social security number and 18 pages of legal paper work filled out.

I. Know.

First, I turn 40.  Then I take a kid to college.  Now this.

He is working at the amusement park that David and I are too poor to take our unfortunate children to.  He is working for a fundraiser for his basketball team, but he will also get paid.

I need you to understand:  he is equal parts thrilled and confused.

He wants new shoes to start his new job and I told him no, he can wear his current shoes and this is displeasing to him because the dogs ate the laces, and, like, what else is new, the dogs eat everything, including, but not limited to, my couch:

Oh, this happened a few months ago.  I am finally ready to talk about it.

There’s not much to say.

The dogs ate the couch.

My dogs are out of control.  My kids are out of control.  I am not running a tight ship over here.

Let’s move on.

The dogs had chewed the laces and the sneakers were showing some wear.  HD was trying to swindle me into buying him back to school shoes early to start work and could he please have SOLID WHITE shoes.

What is wrong with my children?  First, Kate doesn’t know her left and right and now HD thinks it would be wise for him to wear WHITE SHOES.  My child?  Who lives on a farm and plays all the sports and sweats all the time? Are my kids the only kids in the world who lose brain cells as they age?

I washed his shoes and bought new laces.  And I purchased dark blue shoes for back to school for him because I have not lost brain cells.  And he cannot wear them until school starts.  And I can say that because I am the mom and I am still in charge, the pediatrician even said so.

I have gotten super off topic with confusing scenario #3.  Let’s circle back.

HD is so confused about his employment.

Where does he go?  Does he have breaks? Does he have a boss?

Like I know.  I cannot even afford to be amused at this amusement park.

What should he do with his iPhone while working?  What if he is thirsty? How does he work his uniform belt?

Bummer deal for him is I am very special when it comes to things like straps and tie downs and I had no idea how to work this belt.  And, no, it is not a normal belt.  I would tell you what kind of a belt it was, but I don’t even know that.

It was a challenging belt.

Here’s a similar one I stole off the internet:

It is the belt of the devil.

And he had tied it too tight and couldn’t get it to come off.  And this was a problem for two reasons:

1.  What if he had to go to the bathroom?
2. It was so tight he was struggling to breathe.

I tried to help him and I could not.

He eventually figured it out.

He keeps telling me he doesn’t work certain days and the fundraiser person tells me he is and everyone is confused and we have to drive 1 hour 15 min each way to get him to this job where he has to wear old, worn sneakers.

Anyways.  He worked 8 hours yesterday and they have him acting as a cashier and I surely hope people are patient with my poor, confused boy.

The other day, I went to Subway.  And I was nice to that poor, confused boy.

Would you like to know why?

I’ll tell you.

My total was $14.68 and I gave him $20.68 and I completely rocked his world.

He grabbed a $5 and then was grabbing pennies and quarters and looking like he was about to throw up.

I talked him through it and we all came to the understanding that I should get $6.  He was flustered, but I was nice.

Because, maybe,  he, too, has a worried mom at home who is shorter than him and not wealthy enough to take him to amusement parks during the summer.

So I tipped him the $1 I helped myself get back.  But I kept the $5 because I am poor and cannot afford to be overly generous.

Let’s see.  What else . . .

There is a wildfire nearby.  We might have to evacuate.  But we might not.  We probably won’t.

David is now 41.

Kate has NOT used her kayak.

Charlie still cannot swim.

But, Norman can.

We went camping with David’s parents who were celebrating their 44th anniversary.  We went on a kayak ride that literally took 84 years because everyone refused to use their paddles.

It made me fussy.

I still don’t know if I am teaching 2nd or kinder.  My room is in boxes at my house and at the school and I feel like I should probably do something about that.

Later, Dudes.