The Lumberjack's Wife

It is rainy today.  Sometimes I like the rain, as it makes the house seem a bit more cozy.

Plus, my hair is not waterproof, so the rain usually encourages me to stay inside and clean or bake.

Lest I look like a drowned cat for the rest of the day.

Anyways . . . I don’t have a specific direction for this post.

Lucky you!

Discussionary Topic #1

As I mentioned only moments ago, it is raining.  So I decided to create some pies.

Yes.

Pies.

One chocolate cream and one banana cream.

I got uber confused because I didn’t know if I was supposed to bake the pies since I did not top the pies with meringue.

Whipped cream is much better.

So, I didn’t bake them.

Thoughts?

I did prebake the crusts before filling them with the delicious, low-fat, low cholesterol, Weight Watchers friendly cream filling.

But then I just stuck the pies in the fridge.

I hope this works out well for me, as I am serving these desserts to other humans.

And, darn my luck, as soon as I finished baking the crusts, my oven sparked and has not worked since.

Guess who’s getting a new oven?

Holla!

Discussionary Topic #2

Speaking of Holla . . .

We were out to lunch with Auntie Datenutloaf this week.

Auntie Datenutloaf is visiting from out-of-town, but she does regularly read my blog.

And she cannot understand what Holla is.

So, I had to say it for her, so she could also be overjoyed with the fun that comes with its use.

I felt like Uncle Lewis informing Aunt Bethany about “THE BLESSING” at the Christmas dinner table.

(Name that movie)

Except, I kept loudly enunciating, “Holla!”

Then, cousin Shane . . .

Remember Cousin Shane?

(yellow shirt)

Cousin Shane says:  Yes!  Holla!  Like, “I ain’t no hollaback girl!  I ain’t no hollaback girl!”

(Name that Artist)

Good times.

Good times with relatives.

Good times with relatives in crowded restaurants.

Discussionary Topic #3

Speaking of lunch with relatives, I had a horrifying experience on Sunday.

It was brought to Cousin Shane’s attention that he was in my blog post that day.

So, while we were waiting for our food, he pulls out his fancy schmancy Internet Phone Contraption and finds my blog.

Then he proceeds to read aloud my post to the entire table.

People!

How come no one has ever told me how darn hyper I sound when I write?

I can’t focus on one thought for like 2 seconds.

So, he starts reading this post for all to hear.

And, as the room is spinning all around me, these are the things I hear:

Oh.  Everyone!  She has just asked us to hold on to our pants.

What does “plus one of a cousin” mean?

I am still holding on to my pants, Taylor!

Oh, look!  We are at the part where you talk about me!

Now, isn’t this weird?  I am reading your blog entry in which you are writing about me reading your blog!

Late 30’s!  I am not in my late 30’s!  I am 38!

(nice try, Shane.)

You are right.  A 3-year-old has never peed on my washing machine.

Real men wear . . . what is this word here?

Car . . . hartts?

I suppose I am not a real man.  I have no idea what you are talking about.

What are these Carhartts? 

Oh!  We are all supposed to appreciate how truly handsome The Lumberjack is.

The Lumberjack is you, right David?

Yes.  You are a handsome guy, David.

Are we all still holding on to our pants?

***

So, Cousin Shane finishes reading my post and the room stops spinning.

Then he says, “So.  People really read this?”

Me:  Apparently!  I guess people like to read nonsense!  Who knew?!

And then I ate 4 pounds of chips and salsa to comfort myself.

Discussionary Topic #4

There is no purpose for posting this picture, other than the fact that my marmie asked me to.

And I am a good girl who always listens to her marmie.

This picture is my mom and her sisters.

From left to right:

Dana, Connie (my mom), Candi, Trudee, E.B.

Discussionary Topic #5

Alert!

We have found Handsome Dude’s glasses that have been missing for months!

I repeat!

We have found Handsome Dude’s glasses!

They were discovered in the car, stuck in between the seats.

And they were found just in the nick of time, seeing as how his newest pair are, in fact, missing.

This.

Is.

My.

Life.

Discussionary Topic #6

Little Dude is learning the parts of the body!

Nose!

Eyes!

Head!

Toes!

Yes, folks.

This is the excitement that is my life.

Embrace it.

Discussionary Topic #7

Daisy Mae is doing quite well from her little incident over the weekend.

She has decided she should get stitches every weekend, because she has learned that if she does receive stitches, she gets doughnuts for breakfast the next morning.

Some of you asked for a picture.

I don’t have a picture of the injury.

Well, that is a lie.

I have one on my phone, but I don’t know how to get it off of my phone.

Anyways, the originally injury picture is a little too gruesome to put on here, I think.

But here is a picture of the stitches, if you would like to see.

If

You

Don’t

Want

To

See

Leave

Now.

Ok.

So, here are here stitches:

Not bad!

Discussionary Topic #8

I was contemplating doing another Questions and Answers post soon.

Would you be so kind as to leave a question, if you are so inclined?

It could be about anything.

And it could be a question for me, The Lumberjack, or both of us.

That is all.

Happy Tuesday!

Welcome to my recap of yesterday.

Hold on to your pants folks!

It’s going to be a wild ride.

***

My darling sister, Meagan, graduated from the University yesterday.  It turned into sort of a mini-family reunion, as several various relatives travelled from many different states to see this epic event.

And by various relatives, I mean 2 parents, 2 siblings, 2 in-laws, 3 nieces, 3 nephews, 4 aunties, 2 uncles, 4 cousins, 1 “plus one” of a cousin, and 4 second cousins.

Go, Team Meagan!

The Lumberjack and I loaded up the Lumberjacklings early in the morn and began the trek over.  The car ride went swimmingly, complete with no whining, bathroom breaks, nor even vomiting.

Go, Team Lumberjack!

We arrived and had to take the University’s bus to get to the graduation, where the pomp and circumstance would be occurring.

This was, in fact, thrilling for all the children.

I think next time we are trying to plan a family vacation, I am going to cross Disneyland off of my list and just select a free city bus.

Handsome Dude was full of awe and wonder.

My mom tried to get a picture of him and I on the bus  . . .

but he was too enthralled.  He could not even tear his eyes away from the moving roadways.

Look at me!

My eyes are open!

Win!

Alright.  So, our entire group gets seated and we wait for the ceremony to start.

Hi, Little Dude!

Brothers!

(My dad is on the left, his brother is on the right.  Hence, the caption “brothers.”  Focus, people!)

Handsome Dude and all his Tom Foolery.

Little Dude and all his flirtations.

So, while we are waiting, my aunt informs her son . . . my cousin . . . that I write a blog.

Aunt:  Shane.  Have I told you that Taylor writes a blog?

Shane:  Yes.  You have mentioned that before.

Aunt:  Well, it is very good.

Shane:  I must read it some time.

(Cousin Shane is in the yellow shirt, sitting next to my brother, who is wearing a blue shirt)

So, unbeknownst to me, Cousin Shane has one of those fancy schmancy phone contraptions that can get on the Internets wherever you are.  And someone helps him find my blog.

Shane:  Taylor.  I have just read your blog!

Me:  Oh!

Shane:  Very lovely.  I read the post on Mother’s Day.

Me:  Oh!

Folks. I find this to be quite embarrassing.

Quite.

My cousin, Shane, lives a very different life than yours truly.  He is in his late 30s, no wife or kids, works for the government, and has lived in places such as Mexico, New York, England, and he is soon to be moving to Paris.

I am sure he enjoyed my Mother’s Day post.

Oh, well.  I don’t think he could ever really fully appreciate any of my posts seeing as how he probably does not have to worry about a 3-year-old boy peeing on his washing machine.

Later I found out he pulled my mom aside and the following conversation ensued:

Shane:  Connie!  Is Taylor’s husband really a Lumberjack?

Mom:  No.  He is an electrician.

Shane:  Interesting.  But the blog says he is a Lumberjack.

Mom:  I know.  He’s not.  He just likes to go wood cutting.

Shane:  Interesting.  So she just calls him that?

Mom: Yes.

Shane:  Interesting.

Darn this blog!  Tis so embarrassing at times!

Moving on.

Meagan graduated and we all clapped and cheered and cheered and clapped.

Next, we headed outside for some photographs.

And now, dear readers, I would like to present to you:

The Photographical Journey of Proof that Taylor is a Dork

Someone suggests my sister and I get together for a picture.

Lovely.

Then someone suggests my mother join in the picture.

Clearly this excites me.

Here I am saying, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Perfect!”

So, mother joins in, and just as she steps into the photo I get an idea.

And I am amazed and thrilled at my brilliance, as is evidenced by my gaping mouth.

“Let’s get a picture with Dad and brother Danny, too!”

Bazinga!

That right there is my family.

Brother Danny, Mother Connie, Goober Taylor, Sister Meagan, and Father Grant.

And some random children are scattered about.

And that concludes this edition of:

The Photographical Journey of Proof that Taylor is a Dork.

*Thank you*

But, wait!

There’s more.

But only a few, I promise.

Real men wear Carhartts.

With sippy cups in the back pockets.

Let’s have a moment to appreciate just how truly handsome my Lumberjack is.

Thank you.

***

So, after all the pomp, we went to a restaurant with our very large group.

For those of you who are not accustomed to waiting for anything with children, I would like to present to you the following photos to help give you an idea of just how truly joyous it can be.

It’s loads of fun.

***

After lunch, we decided to head to the park.  There is a lovely river by the park, so we went and a few of the adults went down to the river bank with the children to toss rocks into the river.

I was up at the top when I heard Daisy Mae start crying.

This is not rare.

I see the Lumberjack running up the hill with her and I figured he was just giving her to me.  His hand was holding her head.  When he took it off, blood was everywhere.

I mean everywhere.

He looked at me and yelled,

“We are going to the hospital!  Now!”

Now, there is something you must understand about my husband. 

He never says we need to go to the doctor.  He has cut himself plenty of times and refused to get stitches.  He is certain the whole medical system is a conspiracy to get him to pay for doctors’ lake houses.

So, he usually just super glues his wounds back together.  And he never suggests taking children or myself into the doctor.

Ever.

So, when my husband is holding my child and both are covered in blood, I find it quite unnerving to hear him shout that we have to get to a hospital.

I threw him something to hold on her head to stop the blood and we started running for the car.

But then I remembered I have other children.

So, I yelled down to the people still by the river,

“Bring my kids!  We have to go to the hospital.”

And then . . . the chaos began.

Aunts are crying and telling us to call 9-1-1.

Kids are being hauled up the river bank.

Adults are scattering trying to find everyone from our group. 

Everyone got loaded into all the different vehicles and my sister, who is the only local, directs us to the nearest hospital.

I finally had a chance to ask LJ what happened.  Apparently one of the rocks that the kids were tossing into the river went astray and got Daisy Mae right in the head.

So, we get to the Emergency Room and we get all checked in.

By now, the bleeding has stopped and Daisy Mae is pretty coherent, so I am calmer.

She did get upset at us though when she asked us where we were.

DM:  Where am I?

LJ:  The hospital.

DM:  (starts wailing again)  I don’t want to go the hospital!  I don’t want to go to the hospital!

Me:  Honey, you have to-

DM:  No!  I don’t want surgery!

LJ:  You are not having surgery.  They just need to fix your head.

DM:  I don’t want a new head!  I don’t want a new head!

Me:  Honey, you are not getting a new head. They need to fix your owie.

DM:  What owie?

Me:  Your head has an owie and it is bleeding too much and-

Daisy sits straight up and yells frantically:

I’M BLEEDING!  WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M BLEEDING?

Even though the situation was not funny, The Lumberjack and I couldn’t help but laugh a little at this point.

Daisy Mae’s dress, hair, neck, face, and head are all soaked in blood.

The Lumberjack has blood all over him.

I have blood on me.

How did she not know she was bleeding?

Anyways, we were there for about 2 hours and she only needed 3 stitches.

Thank God.

It was pretty scary.  I have never seen so much blood.

So, we hit the road back home and got home much later than anticipated.

But all is well and everyone is healthy and fine.

And that concludes all the pomp and circumstances that occurred yesterday.

Happy Sunday!