The Lumberjack's Wife

Reader.  I prepared dinner every night this week.  And I decorated my front porch for Christmas.

Yes.  Christmas.  Perhaps I am turning into my mother after all.  I heard that happens.

But, Reader.  I am, like, all about Christmas decor all of a sudden.  Why?

I do not know.  But I am going shopping with mother on this very evening to find MORE Christmas decor.  I am like an addict now.

I am sure you have all been waiting with bated breath, wondering if HD was able to get his poem to stick.  He did it.  He nailed it.  And then I had to have a Come to Jesus meeting with him and David over the disrespect he has been showing me lately.  I am pleased to announce that it has been declared that the next time HD calls me “Karen,” he will lose his phone for a month.

***

Norma Jean Riley’s four kittens are everywhere.  It is almost time for them to depart and go off to their new families.  I have to admit, I am a bit sad.  I will never have kittens again, which is good, but also sad.  Because they are so cute.

The other morning, David came out of the bathroom and told me my kittens were freaking out and climbing up all over him.

David:  I think they are hungry.

Me:  Well, is Norma with them?

David:  I don’t know.  I don’t care.

I found Norma Jean at the front door.  She had been locked out all night.

Reader.  Did you know Mother Cats do a strange meowing/call when they want their babies to come near?  It is true.  I am learning so much about the cat world.  She came in and did her weird call and four fuzzy fur balls found her and she started feeding them right there in my closet.

She gets fixed on the 20th and thus ends 2020:  The Year of 16 Kittens.

Fun fact:  The 1 pound kittens hiss and try to attack our old Grandpa Dog, Tank.  They scare Tank, who is about 100 pounds and he likes to tremble and come and sit on my lap when they are picking on him.

As I am typing this, three kittens are climbing up my ironing board.  And I love them.

***

Kate had her senior pictures taken, as if anyone can believe THAT is happening.

This is Kate in 2006 at her 4 year old Cowgirl Birthday Party:

This is Kate now:

She humored me and she tried to do a pose that was similar to my senior picture.

She will be 18 soon and has plans to go off to college next summer.

***

Me, every hour:  Oooh!  Let’s check the news and see if we know who won the presidential election?

Me, every hour:  Nope!  Not yet!

***

The other day, I was meeting with one of my students via the ZOOM for a one on one reading session.  My teammates were not live with their students, so they could hear me.

This is what they heard.  And please imagine me speaking in a very chipper and upbeat voice.

Thank you.

Me:  Oh, really?  He got a new wife?!  Oooh.  How fun!  Oh, he moved far away?  With his new family?  That’s so nice.  I hope he has a happy new life.  Let’s practice reading this book.

Teammates:

Here is the full conversation:

Student:  We used to have a dog named Moose.  But he got a new wife and left.

Me:  Oooh, really?  He got a new wife?

Student:  Yeah.  He found a wife and had babies.

Me:  Oh!  How fun!

Student:  Yeah.  We found out that he found a wife and we told the other people that they could just keep him so he moved with them.

Me:  Oh, he moved far away?  With his new family?

Student:  Yeah.  With his wife and babies.

Me:  That’s so nice.  I hope he has a happy life.

Student smiles and beams sunshine and rainbows.   And then we read.

***

I have BIG news.

I picked my car up yesterday.

I KNOW.

It has been at the mechanic for almost two months.  I went to grab it and there was a mechanic guy legit wearing a gun on his hip.  He wanted me to look at the nice work they did, as if I even knew what the car looked like when it was wrecked, seeing as how David wrecked it and not me.

It was pouring rain and he had a gun on his hip and he wanted me to be impressed and I was and then he told me it was a very nice Infiniti and called it “stout.”

Thankfully, he felt no need to brandish the weapon and I happily drove away in my stout Infiniti.

***

My mom recently switched her phone service.  She is pleased because she gets a new phone.  And then she said this sentence:

Mom:  They are going to send me a new Samsung!  Now I can be done with this hideous iPhone.

My mom uses the word hideous wrong, in my opinion.  But she will hear none of it.  She uses it as a synonym for awful.  I use it only in an “appearance” sense.  Who is correct?  I know not.  But since I am turning into my mother, I am sure I will also declare new technology “hideous” in 20 years.

My parents and technology do not play nicely. As evidenced by this old photo of my dad trying to listen to music digitally.

Happy Friday!

David and I are having a hard time agreeing on a tv show to watch.

I prefer to watch shows that are hilarious and make me chuckle.

David watches BORING things, such as, but not limited to, cattle sales.

While he was getting a snack, I snapped this quick video so you could feel my pain.

It was like a showcase of manly bulls.  Many of them.  With moving music to go along with it.  And the songs would change, along with the bull.  And a catalog so one could follow along.

And don’t mind the mirror propped up over there.  I got in a “mood” this weekend and I decided I hated everything about my house and am starting to paint again.  Because I am 39.

I got rid of my fall-ish decor and am planning on going straight to Christmas.

I took the three pumpkins off the front porch and I threw them to our pig.

I told the pig to please enjoy the pumpkin spice mud.

Pig seemed pleased.

***

Having Hadley at the same school as the boys means I no longer have to leave my house so early to get them to school.

Reader.  I had not even thought of this until last night.

I sent the children off to school.  And I prepped dinner.

Like, totally prepped it.  I had my hands all in the ground beef, formerly known as Waylon.  I was molding and sculpting MEATLOAF.  I did laundry.  I cleaned the kitchen.

I

Cleaned

The

Bathrooms

!

I was winning at life.  But I couldn’t stop thinking about the squishy Waylon meat, and remembering the handsome fellow enjoying his days on the farm.  So my family ate the delish meatloaf and I had oatmeal.

Here is the best way to make oatmeal:

Put oats in a bowl and add water.

Add fruit.  My favorite is fresh strawberries, but, alas, I have none.  I do have frozen cherries.  So I added those.

Then I microwave.

Then add milk.  I am now a fan of almond milk, for reasons unbeknownst to me.  I can only assume it is because I am nearing 40.

Then I warm it up again and it is a bowl of Cherry Almond Oatmeal deliciousness that one might enjoy while their family is eating meatloaf made from a family friend.

So, yum.

***

Since Hadley had to work, I had to pick the boys up from school.  I am still driving the Subaru.  My car is still at the mechanic from Sept 11th.  At this point, I can only assume the mechanic loves my sweet Infiniti and has taken it on a road trip across America.

HD is driving me nuts, but what else is new?  He is driving me nuts for two main reasons.

1.  He is not following the directions from physical therapy on his hand.  And do you know they handcrafted a splint for him and it was billed out at $400?  FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.  He is supposed to be massaging the scar tissue and doing very minor exercises.  It has been made clear to me as of late that he has not been heeding the kind therapist’s instructions.  I lost track of him for a few days because of the hunting trip.  So, now he is all “woe unto me” and “my hand will never be the same” and I am like, “massage your dang scar tissue.”  Because he is 13.  And if a guy can set a fence post, surely he can be responsible enough to massage his own scar tissue three times a day for 30 seconds.  Yes?

2.  Also, he has to memorize a poem.  The poem is called “Concord Hymn” by Ralph Waldo Emerson.  He was supposed to work on it while he was hunting.  But, alas.  He did not.  So, on the way home from town today, I put on my most serious Mom Pants and basically flipped out on him and he was massaging the dang scar tissue and trying to recite a poem.

HD:  Mom, should I move it in a circular motion?  Or back and forth?  Or what is best?

Me:  Just keep massaging it.

HD:  It feels weird.

Me:  Too bad.  Memorize the poem.

HD:  I cannot!  It won’t stick!  It won’t stick!

Me:  Well, its gonna have to stick.

HD had already memorized about half of it.

Me:  Well, that’s good!  What’s the next line?

HD:  “And time the ruined bridge has swept.”

Me:  Ok.  Let’s work on that.

So, we worked on that for the duration of the trip.

LD knows that line.

I know that line.

And HD can say it in isolation, but he cannot say it with the rest of the poem, because, and he made this quite clear,

“It won’t stick.”

So, I have taken away all screens and told him he can not watch anything or have any joy in life until he is 75% done with the poem, as it is due for recitation on Wednesday.

Reader.  Please say the word “recitation” out loud.

Now, marvel at how fancy you sound.

But here is the BEST part.  I am sitting here blogging right now.  With headphones in.

Maybe the people think I am working?  I can’t be certain.

But I told David that since he took the boy hunting, he is in charge of making the poem stick.

I told you I was winning at life.

***

Today in class, I was struggling with technology.  Which is impressive for an online teacher.  I was working with a small group of kids, so they all were unmuted.

Me:  Oh, I think I can do this-oh-no-wait!  Shoot!  Hang on!  Oh, let me move your little Zoom faces here.  Oh.  That didn’t work.  Hang on, kids!

And then I defaulted into my usual odd-teacher mood.

Me:  Kids.  Hang on!  I can do this!  I know I can.  I believe in me!

Kids:  Chuckle, giggle, chuckle.

And then I broke out into song.

Me:  I believe I can fly!  I believe I can touch the sky!

I had a few moms giggling in the background.

Totally forgot adults can hear me.

I am so cool.

***

David and I need a show to watch together.  We have access to Prime and Netflix.

I cannot handle this anymore:

Please advise.

The weather here is a bit saucy.

Weekend of Oct 17th

Weekend of October 24th

And today, October 31st

Would you like to see a picture of my favorite cow, Matilda?

Of course you do.

She is on the right.  I dig her.

Ok.  I had a chance to discuss the steer water situation with David.

Me:  What were you wanting me to do?

David:  Check the steer water.

Me:  Should the heater have been working?

David:  Yes

Me:  And why wasn’t it?

David:  I don’t know.  The boys probably unplugged it.

Me:  Was the automatic waterer supposed to be working?

David:  Yes.  The boys probably disconnected it and then it froze.

Me:  So did I do the right thing by letting the steers out?

David:  No.  You should have found a longer hose.

Me:  But wouldn’t it have just froze?  Because their tank was already half a block of ice?

David:

So.  We are just going to say that I did the right thing.  And what is with the boys ruining everything all the time?  I ask you?

***

Even though I double hate Halloween, I double LOVED seeing my students yesterday!  They are so tiny!  They are so cute!  I love them virtually and for realsies.

I have this one student.  Let’s call him “Max.”  Max has had sound issues from day one.  Every time poor Max unmutes and talks, he is SO LOUD.  All the kids, and myself, take our headphones off and painfully try and understand what Max is trying to communicate.  I have reached out to his dad and his dad has tried to trouble shoot, but we cannot figure out how to make Max’s volume more reasonable.

Reader.  I solved the mystery.

Max just shouts in real life.  He will always be painfully loud.

He showed up to the door.  And he shouted:

“HI!  I AM HERE FOR MRS. MALIKALAKAH!  I’M MAX!  FROM HER CLASS!”

Every kid pronounces my name differently.

AND . . . I love them.

***

David called me a Crazy Cat Lady today.

And, Reader.  If this life I am living in, surrounded by my feline friends, is what it means to be a crazy cat lady, then SIGN ME UP.

Mama Kitty was “bathing” Rio for a solid 15 minutes today.

Reader.  You must really examine the picture.

Zoom in, if you must.

Look at Rio.  She was like that for FIFTEEN minutes.  Thoroughly enjoying her tongue bath from her grandmother.

***

Last night.

Last night, Hadley had a friend over.  Which was fine and dandy.  David was working late-ish and I was asleep by 7:45pm.  Because, teaching.

At some point, I was awakened by much commotion.

Much.

I sat up and said/shouted, “What is going on?”

LD:  A bunch of cows are loose and Hadley and Lily are not even helping!

David, who is always so “asleep” in the middle of the night for all other emergencies, immediately sat up and scolded the boys for not closing up the gate correctly.

But, please.  Remember that David is unable to function to assist in any other emergency after 10pm.

I glanced at David’s phone.  I read the time as being 1:50am.  I was aghast, Reader.  AGHAST.  Because so many children were awake and it was definitely past everyone’s bedtime.

David stood at the bedroom window.  He opened it and he directed the boys on how to get the loose cows in.

I, of course, had to go to the bathroom.

I then asked Hadley and Lily what on earth they were doing at this hour.

Hadley:  We are giving ourselves cancer and the boys let the cows out!

Reader.  I do not know why she said anything about cancer.  I was too tired to care.

Me:  Can you do all those things A LOT QUIETER, PLEASE?

David and I got back into bed.  LD came in our room to plead that I kick Hadley and Lily out of the loft so he could watch tv.

Me:  No one needs to be watching TV right now!  It is almost 2am!

LD:  Mom!  It is 10pm!

Me:  No!

LD:  Yes!

I checked the phone.  The same phone that said 1:50am now read 10:58pm.

But it FELT like 1:58am.

Me:  Doesn’t matter.  It’s too late.  Everyone go to bed.

LD:  But, MOOOOOOOMMMMM.

Me:  How did you know cows were out anyways?

LD:  Because I was peeing.

Me:  What?

LD:  I went outside to pee.

Me:  You walked by a bathroom and out the front door to go pee outside?

LD:  Yeah.

Me:  Go to bed.  Just everyone go to bed.

Around midnight, the dogs were barking something fierce.

David:  THE HORSES ARE OUT!  Those boys.  I tell you.

And he kept muttering about the boys and went outside to put the horses in.

I turned on my deaf ear and went to sleep.

***

HD:  Kate!  Your shirt has a hole in it!

Kate, panicking, looking all around her shirt:  WHERE?

HD:  A WHOLE-LOTTA style.

The End.

When I first switched to eSchool, I was going over the pros and cons with myself, trying to feel a bit more excited about the big change.

Here are some pros:

1.  No more tying wet shoelaces-and not knowing why they were wet (shudder)
2. No more recess duty when it is so so so so cold
3. No more dealing with SNOW PANTS and PE SHOES (One year, I had a five minute transition from recess to PE.  Getting 25 first graders out of snow pants/boots and into PE shoes in five minutes should be an Olympic sport)
4. No more tire swing drama (GLORY!)
5. No more picking up chewed up pencils off the ground
6. NO MORE HAVING TO DRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN

I am basically a Halloween grinch.  I don’t know why.  Actually, I do know why.

This is why:

1.  I don’t care.
2. For years, I had four kids and a small Halloween budget.  Oh!  And I am not creative, like, I don’t know how to sew and all that jazz.  I hated trying to come up with costumes for the Fab Four without breaking the bank.  FOR YEARS.
3. I dislike dressing up.  Mostly because, and I cannot stress this enough, I don’t care.

So, the no more having a class full of kids and trying to contain their sheer and utter joy on Halloween, whilst being forced to wear a costume myself was a HUGE perk for switching to eSchool.

Imagine my surprise when I receive this email from my admin

“Good news!  We have arranged for a round of material pick up for Oct 30!  The kids can come in their costumes.  Please wear a costume yourself!”

So, as soon as I log off, I shall be dressing up as a NINJA.

But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Me to Teaching Team:

Ok, I am pretty easy going and don’t really care what we wear for Halloween.  However:

1.  I won’t wear anything on my head.  Not even a headband.  HATE IT.
2. I am so done with tutus.  I don’t want to wear a tutu and I don’t want to make a tutu.
3. I am not creative.
4. I don’t sew

As I am getting older, I feel like I have no problem telling people how I feel.  Thoughts?

David, on the other hand, has MUCHO TROUBLE saying how he feels.

David has two moods:

1.  Fine.
2. Not fine.

David is “fine” most of the time.  Like, usually, all the time.

David’s second mood of “not fine” is the mood he chooses for all other emotions that don’t fall under fine.  Emotions such as, but not limited to:

1.  Irritated
2. Tired
3. Injured
4. Annoyed
5. Sick
6. Mad
7. Stressed
8. Hungry
9. Frustrated
10. Bored

All of the above emotions look the same on David:  Not Fine.

Now, I have been married to him for 20 years.  I have been made aware of the two moods.

Fine.

Not fine.

When David is “not fine,” he likes to make me play a fun little game called:

“What in the world is David NOT FINE about?”

I notice my husband’s NOT FINE mood.

Me:  Is something wrong?

David:  Nope.

And we get to do that for a couple of days.  Oh, yes.  I said days.

Then I have to play guess and check.

Sometimes he is super sick!  Like the time he had shingles and I had to tell his mom on him that he was sick and I needed help forcing him to go to the doctor.

Sometimes he falls off of a ladder at work and breaks ribs and neglects to tell me.

Sometimes he gets in a minor vehicle accident, and I only find out about it when I see a dent on the aforementioned vehicle.

Sometimes he feels stress from work.

Sometimes he feels stress from cows.

Sometimes he gets tired of repairing every single dang thing on our property every day.  Like the bobcat.  And the four wheeler.

Sometimes, and please sit down for this, I do things that bug him.

I KNOW!  Hard to believe.  I am a delight.

Me to David:  I know this is so hard for you, but just TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON.

David:  I’m fine.

We are two very different people, as I prefer to announce all my feelings to everyone, including the animals.

I am fussy.

I am going to bed.

I am annoyed.

I don’t want to dress up for Halloween.

I am hungry.

I don’t want to eat that.

I am done parenting children tonight.

See?  It’s not hard, David.  Just say how you feel.

***

Alright.  I need to go be a ninja.  In case I haven’t made my feelings clear on the matter:

I do NOT want to be a ninja.

But I will do it.  FOR THE CHILDREN.

One of my precious kiddos has been SO excited for Halloween.  She has talked about it in class for weeks.

She is sick and in quarantine and cannot come to pick up materials today.

Stupid covid.

My assistant principal is going to go in costume to her house and drop off her materials and wave to her from the sidewalk.  Precious student is hopeful someone will take a picture of her and send it to me.

I really love my firsties.   And isn’t my assistant principal simply the nicest?

Alright.  Enjoy your day.

In “virtual” first grade, the kids are learning to make connections with the text.  They do their reading, and then they film a quick video to send to me.

Student:  I read ___book.  In it, the main character was nervous about going to a party because everyone was supposed to bring something to eat and he didn’t know what everyone else was bringing.  He didn’t want to be different.  I made a connection because last year in school, we were going to have a party, and I was scared about what to bring.  But then I got brave and decided not to worry about it.  But then Covid happened and our party was cancelled anyways.  Bye!

Dang Covid.  Poor kids.

On Monday, I had to miss a couple of my live classes to take Kate to the doctor.  She has been having some mysterious health issues for a couple of months and it is been quite the ordeal trying to get to the bottom of it.

We are still not at the bottom of it.

One of my amazing team teachers took my kiddos for the live sessions that I missed.  When I returned, she let me know that one of my kiddos looked down that day and looked like she was about to cry, which is out of character for this little gal.

I kept her late after my next live session to ask her if she was doing ok.

Student:  I was just SO SAD because you were not here.

I relayed this story to Hadley.

Hadley:  Wow.  I don’t remember ever feeling like I liked my first grade teacher that much.

Me:  Well.  You were homeschooled.  I was your first grade teacher.

#winning

Hadley’s high school has been doing a hybrid plan where she is home three days a week and goes to school two days a week.  It had become clear to me that this plan was not what was best for her.

On Monday morning, I texted her and asked her to pray/think about switching to the private school the boys currently go to.

Her response:  Yeah.  I don’t know about that, Bro.

So she went about her day, and I went about mine.  I told her she had to be home by seven so we could “talk.”

She was thrilled.

But the talk went well and she agreed that she should go to the new school.

!

I had been all geared up for a discussion of pros and cons and bargaining.  And she just said-“ok.”

So that past couple of days has been a whirlwind of trying to work AND get her ready to start a new school that requires uniforms.  Which is every teen’s dream come true.

“What do you mean I can’t wear pants with holes in them?”

David came into cell service Tuesday am because, and please don’t be too surprised, the four wheeler broke down.  So he lost all day Tuesday for hunting because had to get parts and work on the four wheeler.

Me over the phone:  Ok!  Some things have gone down with Hadley.  I can explain later.  We need to put her in the private school.  Is that ok?

David:  *sigh*  That’s fine.  Can we afford it?

Me:  *sigh* Sure.

Me:  Also.  I had to let the steers out so they could have water.  Hope you aren’t mad.

David:  *sigh*  Ok.  I will figure it out later.

Tank the Dog might be failing.  I don’t know.  He is antsy and barks at nothing for hours.  He has also been “getting lost.”  Which is very unusual.  The other morning, Hadley and I could not find him.  We looked through the house and all around the outside of the house.  We called for him, but he is deaf, so that proved ineffective.  We had to leave so we could get to town on time.  I was sure he had wandered off to go and die.

Man.  I am full of pleasant thoughts today, no?

Anyways, he had wandered into the garage and apparently just stayed there?  I don’t know.

So now, I am worried about Tank the Dog and all my kids.  I still don’t have gray hair, but my eyes look like I am 55 now.

Happy Thursday!

I am feeling down today.  Sometimes I feel like I have too many children to parent.  And then I have to work, too.  And it is just a lot, man. Life feels tricky and I am not liking today.  Blah.

These pictures were taken one week apart:

River camping the week before last-

And this past weekend-

It is gorgeous, but my, oh, my, it is cold.

David and the boys are off to be hunters.

David is out of service, but must have been up high on a mountain at some point because he texted me to ask if I could please make sure the steers have water and give them two buckets of grain.  Which is fine, except I am not super hearty and that meant I had to change out of my work clothes and into farm and ranch clothes and trudge around in snow and ice and try to be my husband’s dream come true.

The steers are in the corral.  The corral is not finished, but a part of it is finished, and three steers are living there.  David likes to section off the steers because they need to be “finished off” with grain.

Anyways.  The corral is within the parameters of the fence.  I got home and I was tired, so I just put sweatpants and a coat over my dress.

#RoboBabe

I went to give the steers grain.  They broke their feeder.  Too bad for them.

Next, I checked the water situation.

Half full and frozen.

Super.

I don’t know what’s going on?  Isn’t that cord thing part of the water heater thing?  Why is it not working?  There is a hose attached to an automatic waterer, but it is buried in snow.  So, I head up to the faucet and find the other end of said hose.  I attach it and turn it on and walk back to see if I solved all my problems.

Alas.  Frozen.

I trudged back and found a different hose.  I attached it and water came out.  Which was good.

But, alas.  The hose would not stretch to the steer water.

I was losing daylight and patience.  There was no way to get a hold of David, so I had to make an executive decision.

I let the steers loose.

Stand down, Readers!  The corral is located within the parameters of the main cow pen.  If I let them out, they would have access to the hay and water that the rest of the cows had.

The main cow pen has a functioning water trough with a working heater and automatic waterer.

After I let them out, I recognized one of the steers.

He was the awful one who would break through all the fences.  I named him “Butthead Bob.”  And I am sorry for my language, but when a steer breaks through many fences, sometimes you have to use strong words.

After I let them out, Butthead Bob was being a real butthead and was head butting all my cows and acting like a total twerp.

Let us hope he doesn’t break down a fence, because if I cannot figure out how to get water to a tank, there ain’t no way I am repairing barbed wire.

Anyways.  The steers are loose and no one will die of thirst.

But.  Herein lies the question:

Will my husband applaud my ingenuity?  Or will he be disappointed I let them out?

This will mean a good hour or so of rodeo time trying to get the steers back in the pen when he gets back.

I don’t know.  I am tired.  I am cold.  I am bummed out today.

Farewell.

I happily got in bed at 7:20 tonight, ready to hunker down.  Only to find out it is only 6:20.  And it made me annoyed.  Because I just want to go to bed.

So, I will blog.  And THEN I will go to bed.

1.  We went camping last weekend.  David was so kind as to let us take our new glorious camper on a camping trip.  And since the trailer is nicer than my house, can I call it a camping trip?  Because it feels like I am cheating.
2. Saturday was gorgeous.

This Mama moose and her twins have hung around our river site all season.  We give them two thumbs up.

Charlie and Abbie really like to go camping.  As dogs are wont to do.

3.  We went camping with my parents.  The evening turned chilly, so we went into THE TRAILER OF DREAMS and watched a movie.  Because we can do that now, apparently.  With recliner chairs.

4.  I do not have any reclining chair in my home.

5.  Oh!  The chairs are also heated with cupholders and a massage feature.

6.  When we were looking at trailers, I saw one with such a reclining chair feature and I put it on the list of “must haves.”  And then I made my dreams come true.

7.  Me:  David.  All I want is to sit in the recliner chair with a cup of coffee, the fire place on, a view of the river, and to not see LD’s underwear.

8.  On Sunday morning, I sat in the recliner chair.  I had a view of the river.  I had coffee.  I did not see LD’s underwear.  But, alas!  I had forgotten to turn on the fireplace.

9.  As luck would have it, THE TRAILER OF DREAMS came with a remote to turn on the fireplace.

10.  #CAMPING

11.  As I was sitting in my recliner seat, making all my dreams come true, the children emerged.  About two cups of milk was spilled in the fridge, on the counter, and on the floor, by an undisclosed number of children.  David was furious.  I remained happy in my massage chair and smiled as I watched David inform the children that THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

12.  Camping ended.  We came home.  We had to go back to work/school/life sans recliner chairs.

13.  Woe unto us.

14.  The boys.  The boys infuriate me.  Allow me to introduce you to a segment I like to call,

“The Same Thing Happens Every Day.”

I wake them up.  They don’t get up.  I wake them up.  They don’t get up.  I yell at them.  HD gets up.  HD calls me Karen and makes himself breakfast.  He never puts anything away.  Then he goes and gets a large kitchen trash bag to cover his arm.

Because of the brace.  Because of the surgery.

Please.  Try to keep up.

For some reason, he saves his trash bag every day in the tub, but he still feels the need to get a new one each day.  So we have like 8 trash bags in the tub.  And no one knows why.

I scream like an insane woman and LD emerges.  He is pleasant and does not call me names.  He has to go straight to the shower because he cannot function until a blast of water has woken him up.

He must be reminded to use soap and he must be told when to get out.

Please note:  He is taller than I. So now when I scold him, I must look up.

Every day, they cannot find their uniform clothes.  Every day, I do two loads of laundry.  I have for the entire time they have existed on God’s green Earth.  They know I do.  I know I do.  I am a Laundry Titan.  But do they put their dirty uniforms in the hamper?

Of course not!  Because that would make sense.

So, they walk around, half naked, blaming each other for losing uniform clothing.  Meanwhile, I am trying to do dishes, clean up, get myself looking decent, and dealing with the incessant reminders of packing lunches and brushing teeth and putting on a dang pair of socks.

Today, I was over it.  We were obviously missing multiple uniform items.  So I told them I was taking inventory and they would be buying new clothes if they couldn’t produce the ones I had purchased for them.

Maybe I am a Karen?

Amazingly, and you had better sit down for this, they came home with three sweatshirts and two polos that they had accidentally left at school.

But it wasn’t anyone’s fault.  In case you were wondering.

15.  I pawned off another kitten on my Mother in Law.  Score!  Now I only have 7 felines abiding in my home.

16.  I took Rio and Mama Kitty to get fixed.  They went together.  It was a lovely grandmother/granddaughter outing.

17.  Mama came out of surgery with flying colors.  Rio, not so much.  She was not doing well.  I told my mother, who I felt would care, and she sent the laughing/crying emoji, which made me feel fussy.

“Now, Taylor.  I meant to do the crying emoji.  I can’t help that it is confusing.”

18.  My sweet baby, Rio, was completely out of it and snuggled with me and now I love her with all of my being.

19.  On Wednesday, also known as yesterday, I had an emotionally draining day.  I came home and got in bed and she snuggled on me and loved on me and it was basically all I ever needed in life.

20.  And I love her.

21.  I had too many cruciferous vegetables tonight.

22.  Bummer.

23.  I have a student.  Every time they unmute, I hear the smoke alarm chirping.  This has been happening THE ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR.  It is incredulous and I don’t understand how they can continue on in life.  And I cannot comprehend what it all means?  Do they not care?  Do they not hear it?  Do they need me to mail them some batteries?

Please advise.

Upon occasion, I am able to do my job from home.  The boys do not have school on Fridays, so I stayed home in the morning and taught my classes from the kitchen table.

Little Dude thoroughly enjoys my lessons.  I have my headset on, so my students do not hear him, but he is always answering questions and coming up with rhyming words, and having a great time doing so.

After I taught my lessons, I had to drive to town and work from our school building in the afternoon.  I took the dudes with me because David’s dad wanted them to come over for a bit.

So.  I logged off my class meeting and fixed the boys lunch.  I prepared them each one entire can of chili with Fritos, cheese, and sour cream.

Then we drove to town and met up with Grandpa.  I went to work and then we met up again later.

Grandpa was thrilled to have the boys over, as they are now uber handy and tackled a few projects for him.  He informed me that Grandma had made tacos and the boys ate a ton of tacos for lunch.

Me:  Oh.  I had already fed them lunch.

Grandpa:  Yeah.  They said that, but they also said they were starving.

Me:  What else is new?

So we say our goodbyes.  Kate was home working on homework and had requested pizza, so I had Papa Murphy’s in the car.

And now, I would like to expose you all to a little something I called:

“The Horror of Driving in a Small Vehicle With Two Large and Obnoxious Middle School Boys.”

To set the scene, please be advised that I STILL do not have my SUV.  It is STILL in the shop from David hitting a deer on September 11th.  I have the old Subaru.

I truly don’t mind the Subaru.  And I am saving a ton in gas.  It is just that the boys are so close to me. And we have an hour commute each way.  And they can be a bit much.

So, we start to head home.  Handsome Dude starts in immediately on being so so so so so so starving and can I please please please drive through somewhere so they can have a little snack on the way home?

Me:  No.

HD (flailing and sighing and moaning, as middle school boys are wont to do):  Geez, why?

Me:  Because it is 4:30pm.  And you had chili at 11:45 and tacos at 1:30 and you will have pizza when you get home.

HD:  This is seriously child abuse, Mom.  I cannot believe you would not let your own child have food when they are hungry.

Me:  Bummer.

Meanwhile, LD is in the front passenger seat.  He is playing some dumb game on his phone.  HD is very interested in this because sadly he lost his phone.

He did not “lose it” in the conventional sense.  It was “taken away” by his father for hitting his brother.

HD also claims that this is child abuse.  But, I digress.

Me:  I am tired.  I just want to listen to the music and drive home in peace.

LD:  Sounds good, Ma.

So, I am trying to listen to the music and the LD is playing some game.  The boys are loud and I am trying to ignore them.

Reader.  Do you recall that I have a hearing problem?  I do.  And my deaf ear is the ear near the boys.

LD:  I cannot wait to squeeze Gram’s cheeks!

Me (turning music off):  WHAT?

LD:  What?

Me:  That is a super weird thing to say.

LD:  What?

Me:  You want to squeeze Gram’s cheeks?!?

LD:  Mom.  I said I want to squeeze Rio’s cheeks.

Me:  Oh.  Well, that’s ok, I guess.

LD:  Gross, Mom.  Why would you even think about that?

Me:  Sorry.

(Reader.  Rio is our kitten.  Please try and keep up.)

We continue on the blessed journey home.

LD starts repeatedly shouting: Boobs!

Me (turning music down):  WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

LD:  I yelled move?

Me:  Ok.  I guess that is alright.

Oh.  I have also entered this fun new parenting phase where I have to teach them the importance of putting a seatbelt on again.  So, that’s our latest daily battle.

Me to HD:  Dude.  That’s not safe.

HD:  Gosh, Mom.  I am buckled.

Me:  Yeah, that’s not gonna work.

HD:  Yes, it does work, Karen.

Me:  NO.  IT DOES NOT WORK.  SIT UP.  AND DO NOT CALL ME KAREN.

HD:  Gosh.  Child abuse.

Now that I have thoroughly annoyed the dudes, they are going to start in on a little segment I like to call:

Let’s Make Fun of Mom and Hope We Live To See Tomorrow

HD:  Did you see Mom teaching today?

LD: Haha.  Yeah.

HD:  She still has her stupid gamer headphones on.

LD:  Haha.  Yeah.

Me:  Are you referring to my headset?

HD:  Yes.  You look dumb.

Me:  That’s fine.  This is how I teach the children.

HD:  Mom, you looked so dumb when you stood for the pledge.

Me:  Why?

HD:  Because you are standing there saying the pledge to no one and there is no flag.

Me:  I am saying the pledge with 21 first graders and we have a picture of the flag on the screen.  It is the best I can do.

Boys chuckle and giggle and think I am an embarrassment to society.

Me to LD:  Dude.  You like my lessons.

LD:  I do actually.  I know all the answers.

The boys go back to playing on the phone and I go back to listening to music.

LD shouts:  She is like 80% Hoe!

Me:  What?!?

LD:  What?

Me:  WHAT DID YOU SAY?

LD:  She’s 80% pro?

Me:  Well.  I guess that’s alright.

So, Reader.  Here is the question.  Is my hearing THAT BAD, or are they messing with me?

Oh, and I love my deafness at night.

Tank the dog was panting heavily in the wee hours of the morning.

David:  We need to do something about that dog.

Me:  Oh. He is fine.

As I turned around and laid on my good ear so I would not hear the noise any longer and enjoyed my blissful slumber.

***

Here is a picture of the whole Maliblahblah family from Alex and Lauralee’s wedding.

Later, Dudes.