The Lumberjack's Wife

When I first switched to eSchool, I was going over the pros and cons with myself, trying to feel a bit more excited about the big change.

Here are some pros:

1.  No more tying wet shoelaces-and not knowing why they were wet (shudder)
2. No more recess duty when it is so so so so cold
3. No more dealing with SNOW PANTS and PE SHOES (One year, I had a five minute transition from recess to PE.  Getting 25 first graders out of snow pants/boots and into PE shoes in five minutes should be an Olympic sport)
4. No more tire swing drama (GLORY!)
5. No more picking up chewed up pencils off the ground
6. NO MORE HAVING TO DRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN

I am basically a Halloween grinch.  I don’t know why.  Actually, I do know why.

This is why:

1.  I don’t care.
2. For years, I had four kids and a small Halloween budget.  Oh!  And I am not creative, like, I don’t know how to sew and all that jazz.  I hated trying to come up with costumes for the Fab Four without breaking the bank.  FOR YEARS.
3. I dislike dressing up.  Mostly because, and I cannot stress this enough, I don’t care.

So, the no more having a class full of kids and trying to contain their sheer and utter joy on Halloween, whilst being forced to wear a costume myself was a HUGE perk for switching to eSchool.

Imagine my surprise when I receive this email from my admin

“Good news!  We have arranged for a round of material pick up for Oct 30!  The kids can come in their costumes.  Please wear a costume yourself!”

So, as soon as I log off, I shall be dressing up as a NINJA.

But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Me to Teaching Team:

Ok, I am pretty easy going and don’t really care what we wear for Halloween.  However:

1.  I won’t wear anything on my head.  Not even a headband.  HATE IT.
2. I am so done with tutus.  I don’t want to wear a tutu and I don’t want to make a tutu.
3. I am not creative.
4. I don’t sew

As I am getting older, I feel like I have no problem telling people how I feel.  Thoughts?

David, on the other hand, has MUCHO TROUBLE saying how he feels.

David has two moods:

1.  Fine.
2. Not fine.

David is “fine” most of the time.  Like, usually, all the time.

David’s second mood of “not fine” is the mood he chooses for all other emotions that don’t fall under fine.  Emotions such as, but not limited to:

1.  Irritated
2. Tired
3. Injured
4. Annoyed
5. Sick
6. Mad
7. Stressed
8. Hungry
9. Frustrated
10. Bored

All of the above emotions look the same on David:  Not Fine.

Now, I have been married to him for 20 years.  I have been made aware of the two moods.

Fine.

Not fine.

When David is “not fine,” he likes to make me play a fun little game called:

“What in the world is David NOT FINE about?”

I notice my husband’s NOT FINE mood.

Me:  Is something wrong?

David:  Nope.

And we get to do that for a couple of days.  Oh, yes.  I said days.

Then I have to play guess and check.

Sometimes he is super sick!  Like the time he had shingles and I had to tell his mom on him that he was sick and I needed help forcing him to go to the doctor.

Sometimes he falls off of a ladder at work and breaks ribs and neglects to tell me.

Sometimes he gets in a minor vehicle accident, and I only find out about it when I see a dent on the aforementioned vehicle.

Sometimes he feels stress from work.

Sometimes he feels stress from cows.

Sometimes he gets tired of repairing every single dang thing on our property every day.  Like the bobcat.  And the four wheeler.

Sometimes, and please sit down for this, I do things that bug him.

I KNOW!  Hard to believe.  I am a delight.

Me to David:  I know this is so hard for you, but just TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON.

David:  I’m fine.

We are two very different people, as I prefer to announce all my feelings to everyone, including the animals.

I am fussy.

I am going to bed.

I am annoyed.

I don’t want to dress up for Halloween.

I am hungry.

I don’t want to eat that.

I am done parenting children tonight.

See?  It’s not hard, David.  Just say how you feel.

***

Alright.  I need to go be a ninja.  In case I haven’t made my feelings clear on the matter:

I do NOT want to be a ninja.

But I will do it.  FOR THE CHILDREN.

One of my precious kiddos has been SO excited for Halloween.  She has talked about it in class for weeks.

She is sick and in quarantine and cannot come to pick up materials today.

Stupid covid.

My assistant principal is going to go in costume to her house and drop off her materials and wave to her from the sidewalk.  Precious student is hopeful someone will take a picture of her and send it to me.

I really love my firsties.   And isn’t my assistant principal simply the nicest?

Alright.  Enjoy your day.

In “virtual” first grade, the kids are learning to make connections with the text.  They do their reading, and then they film a quick video to send to me.

Student:  I read ___book.  In it, the main character was nervous about going to a party because everyone was supposed to bring something to eat and he didn’t know what everyone else was bringing.  He didn’t want to be different.  I made a connection because last year in school, we were going to have a party, and I was scared about what to bring.  But then I got brave and decided not to worry about it.  But then Covid happened and our party was cancelled anyways.  Bye!

Dang Covid.  Poor kids.

On Monday, I had to miss a couple of my live classes to take Kate to the doctor.  She has been having some mysterious health issues for a couple of months and it is been quite the ordeal trying to get to the bottom of it.

We are still not at the bottom of it.

One of my amazing team teachers took my kiddos for the live sessions that I missed.  When I returned, she let me know that one of my kiddos looked down that day and looked like she was about to cry, which is out of character for this little gal.

I kept her late after my next live session to ask her if she was doing ok.

Student:  I was just SO SAD because you were not here.

I relayed this story to Hadley.

Hadley:  Wow.  I don’t remember ever feeling like I liked my first grade teacher that much.

Me:  Well.  You were homeschooled.  I was your first grade teacher.

#winning

Hadley’s high school has been doing a hybrid plan where she is home three days a week and goes to school two days a week.  It had become clear to me that this plan was not what was best for her.

On Monday morning, I texted her and asked her to pray/think about switching to the private school the boys currently go to.

Her response:  Yeah.  I don’t know about that, Bro.

So she went about her day, and I went about mine.  I told her she had to be home by seven so we could “talk.”

She was thrilled.

But the talk went well and she agreed that she should go to the new school.

!

I had been all geared up for a discussion of pros and cons and bargaining.  And she just said-“ok.”

So that past couple of days has been a whirlwind of trying to work AND get her ready to start a new school that requires uniforms.  Which is every teen’s dream come true.

“What do you mean I can’t wear pants with holes in them?”

David came into cell service Tuesday am because, and please don’t be too surprised, the four wheeler broke down.  So he lost all day Tuesday for hunting because had to get parts and work on the four wheeler.

Me over the phone:  Ok!  Some things have gone down with Hadley.  I can explain later.  We need to put her in the private school.  Is that ok?

David:  *sigh*  That’s fine.  Can we afford it?

Me:  *sigh* Sure.

Me:  Also.  I had to let the steers out so they could have water.  Hope you aren’t mad.

David:  *sigh*  Ok.  I will figure it out later.

Tank the Dog might be failing.  I don’t know.  He is antsy and barks at nothing for hours.  He has also been “getting lost.”  Which is very unusual.  The other morning, Hadley and I could not find him.  We looked through the house and all around the outside of the house.  We called for him, but he is deaf, so that proved ineffective.  We had to leave so we could get to town on time.  I was sure he had wandered off to go and die.

Man.  I am full of pleasant thoughts today, no?

Anyways, he had wandered into the garage and apparently just stayed there?  I don’t know.

So now, I am worried about Tank the Dog and all my kids.  I still don’t have gray hair, but my eyes look like I am 55 now.

Happy Thursday!

I am feeling down today.  Sometimes I feel like I have too many children to parent.  And then I have to work, too.  And it is just a lot, man. Life feels tricky and I am not liking today.  Blah.

These pictures were taken one week apart:

River camping the week before last-

And this past weekend-

It is gorgeous, but my, oh, my, it is cold.

David and the boys are off to be hunters.

David is out of service, but must have been up high on a mountain at some point because he texted me to ask if I could please make sure the steers have water and give them two buckets of grain.  Which is fine, except I am not super hearty and that meant I had to change out of my work clothes and into farm and ranch clothes and trudge around in snow and ice and try to be my husband’s dream come true.

The steers are in the corral.  The corral is not finished, but a part of it is finished, and three steers are living there.  David likes to section off the steers because they need to be “finished off” with grain.

Anyways.  The corral is within the parameters of the fence.  I got home and I was tired, so I just put sweatpants and a coat over my dress.

#RoboBabe

I went to give the steers grain.  They broke their feeder.  Too bad for them.

Next, I checked the water situation.

Half full and frozen.

Super.

I don’t know what’s going on?  Isn’t that cord thing part of the water heater thing?  Why is it not working?  There is a hose attached to an automatic waterer, but it is buried in snow.  So, I head up to the faucet and find the other end of said hose.  I attach it and turn it on and walk back to see if I solved all my problems.

Alas.  Frozen.

I trudged back and found a different hose.  I attached it and water came out.  Which was good.

But, alas.  The hose would not stretch to the steer water.

I was losing daylight and patience.  There was no way to get a hold of David, so I had to make an executive decision.

I let the steers loose.

Stand down, Readers!  The corral is located within the parameters of the main cow pen.  If I let them out, they would have access to the hay and water that the rest of the cows had.

The main cow pen has a functioning water trough with a working heater and automatic waterer.

After I let them out, I recognized one of the steers.

He was the awful one who would break through all the fences.  I named him “Butthead Bob.”  And I am sorry for my language, but when a steer breaks through many fences, sometimes you have to use strong words.

After I let them out, Butthead Bob was being a real butthead and was head butting all my cows and acting like a total twerp.

Let us hope he doesn’t break down a fence, because if I cannot figure out how to get water to a tank, there ain’t no way I am repairing barbed wire.

Anyways.  The steers are loose and no one will die of thirst.

But.  Herein lies the question:

Will my husband applaud my ingenuity?  Or will he be disappointed I let them out?

This will mean a good hour or so of rodeo time trying to get the steers back in the pen when he gets back.

I don’t know.  I am tired.  I am cold.  I am bummed out today.

Farewell.

I happily got in bed at 7:20 tonight, ready to hunker down.  Only to find out it is only 6:20.  And it made me annoyed.  Because I just want to go to bed.

So, I will blog.  And THEN I will go to bed.

1.  We went camping last weekend.  David was so kind as to let us take our new glorious camper on a camping trip.  And since the trailer is nicer than my house, can I call it a camping trip?  Because it feels like I am cheating.
2. Saturday was gorgeous.

This Mama moose and her twins have hung around our river site all season.  We give them two thumbs up.

Charlie and Abbie really like to go camping.  As dogs are wont to do.

3.  We went camping with my parents.  The evening turned chilly, so we went into THE TRAILER OF DREAMS and watched a movie.  Because we can do that now, apparently.  With recliner chairs.

4.  I do not have any reclining chair in my home.

5.  Oh!  The chairs are also heated with cupholders and a massage feature.

6.  When we were looking at trailers, I saw one with such a reclining chair feature and I put it on the list of “must haves.”  And then I made my dreams come true.

7.  Me:  David.  All I want is to sit in the recliner chair with a cup of coffee, the fire place on, a view of the river, and to not see LD’s underwear.

8.  On Sunday morning, I sat in the recliner chair.  I had a view of the river.  I had coffee.  I did not see LD’s underwear.  But, alas!  I had forgotten to turn on the fireplace.

9.  As luck would have it, THE TRAILER OF DREAMS came with a remote to turn on the fireplace.

10.  #CAMPING

11.  As I was sitting in my recliner seat, making all my dreams come true, the children emerged.  About two cups of milk was spilled in the fridge, on the counter, and on the floor, by an undisclosed number of children.  David was furious.  I remained happy in my massage chair and smiled as I watched David inform the children that THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

12.  Camping ended.  We came home.  We had to go back to work/school/life sans recliner chairs.

13.  Woe unto us.

14.  The boys.  The boys infuriate me.  Allow me to introduce you to a segment I like to call,

“The Same Thing Happens Every Day.”

I wake them up.  They don’t get up.  I wake them up.  They don’t get up.  I yell at them.  HD gets up.  HD calls me Karen and makes himself breakfast.  He never puts anything away.  Then he goes and gets a large kitchen trash bag to cover his arm.

Because of the brace.  Because of the surgery.

Please.  Try to keep up.

For some reason, he saves his trash bag every day in the tub, but he still feels the need to get a new one each day.  So we have like 8 trash bags in the tub.  And no one knows why.

I scream like an insane woman and LD emerges.  He is pleasant and does not call me names.  He has to go straight to the shower because he cannot function until a blast of water has woken him up.

He must be reminded to use soap and he must be told when to get out.

Please note:  He is taller than I. So now when I scold him, I must look up.

Every day, they cannot find their uniform clothes.  Every day, I do two loads of laundry.  I have for the entire time they have existed on God’s green Earth.  They know I do.  I know I do.  I am a Laundry Titan.  But do they put their dirty uniforms in the hamper?

Of course not!  Because that would make sense.

So, they walk around, half naked, blaming each other for losing uniform clothing.  Meanwhile, I am trying to do dishes, clean up, get myself looking decent, and dealing with the incessant reminders of packing lunches and brushing teeth and putting on a dang pair of socks.

Today, I was over it.  We were obviously missing multiple uniform items.  So I told them I was taking inventory and they would be buying new clothes if they couldn’t produce the ones I had purchased for them.

Maybe I am a Karen?

Amazingly, and you had better sit down for this, they came home with three sweatshirts and two polos that they had accidentally left at school.

But it wasn’t anyone’s fault.  In case you were wondering.

15.  I pawned off another kitten on my Mother in Law.  Score!  Now I only have 7 felines abiding in my home.

16.  I took Rio and Mama Kitty to get fixed.  They went together.  It was a lovely grandmother/granddaughter outing.

17.  Mama came out of surgery with flying colors.  Rio, not so much.  She was not doing well.  I told my mother, who I felt would care, and she sent the laughing/crying emoji, which made me feel fussy.

“Now, Taylor.  I meant to do the crying emoji.  I can’t help that it is confusing.”

18.  My sweet baby, Rio, was completely out of it and snuggled with me and now I love her with all of my being.

19.  On Wednesday, also known as yesterday, I had an emotionally draining day.  I came home and got in bed and she snuggled on me and loved on me and it was basically all I ever needed in life.

20.  And I love her.

21.  I had too many cruciferous vegetables tonight.

22.  Bummer.

23.  I have a student.  Every time they unmute, I hear the smoke alarm chirping.  This has been happening THE ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR.  It is incredulous and I don’t understand how they can continue on in life.  And I cannot comprehend what it all means?  Do they not care?  Do they not hear it?  Do they need me to mail them some batteries?

Please advise.

Upon occasion, I am able to do my job from home.  The boys do not have school on Fridays, so I stayed home in the morning and taught my classes from the kitchen table.

Little Dude thoroughly enjoys my lessons.  I have my headset on, so my students do not hear him, but he is always answering questions and coming up with rhyming words, and having a great time doing so.

After I taught my lessons, I had to drive to town and work from our school building in the afternoon.  I took the dudes with me because David’s dad wanted them to come over for a bit.

So.  I logged off my class meeting and fixed the boys lunch.  I prepared them each one entire can of chili with Fritos, cheese, and sour cream.

Then we drove to town and met up with Grandpa.  I went to work and then we met up again later.

Grandpa was thrilled to have the boys over, as they are now uber handy and tackled a few projects for him.  He informed me that Grandma had made tacos and the boys ate a ton of tacos for lunch.

Me:  Oh.  I had already fed them lunch.

Grandpa:  Yeah.  They said that, but they also said they were starving.

Me:  What else is new?

So we say our goodbyes.  Kate was home working on homework and had requested pizza, so I had Papa Murphy’s in the car.

And now, I would like to expose you all to a little something I called:

“The Horror of Driving in a Small Vehicle With Two Large and Obnoxious Middle School Boys.”

To set the scene, please be advised that I STILL do not have my SUV.  It is STILL in the shop from David hitting a deer on September 11th.  I have the old Subaru.

I truly don’t mind the Subaru.  And I am saving a ton in gas.  It is just that the boys are so close to me. And we have an hour commute each way.  And they can be a bit much.

So, we start to head home.  Handsome Dude starts in immediately on being so so so so so so starving and can I please please please drive through somewhere so they can have a little snack on the way home?

Me:  No.

HD (flailing and sighing and moaning, as middle school boys are wont to do):  Geez, why?

Me:  Because it is 4:30pm.  And you had chili at 11:45 and tacos at 1:30 and you will have pizza when you get home.

HD:  This is seriously child abuse, Mom.  I cannot believe you would not let your own child have food when they are hungry.

Me:  Bummer.

Meanwhile, LD is in the front passenger seat.  He is playing some dumb game on his phone.  HD is very interested in this because sadly he lost his phone.

He did not “lose it” in the conventional sense.  It was “taken away” by his father for hitting his brother.

HD also claims that this is child abuse.  But, I digress.

Me:  I am tired.  I just want to listen to the music and drive home in peace.

LD:  Sounds good, Ma.

So, I am trying to listen to the music and the LD is playing some game.  The boys are loud and I am trying to ignore them.

Reader.  Do you recall that I have a hearing problem?  I do.  And my deaf ear is the ear near the boys.

LD:  I cannot wait to squeeze Gram’s cheeks!

Me (turning music off):  WHAT?

LD:  What?

Me:  That is a super weird thing to say.

LD:  What?

Me:  You want to squeeze Gram’s cheeks?!?

LD:  Mom.  I said I want to squeeze Rio’s cheeks.

Me:  Oh.  Well, that’s ok, I guess.

LD:  Gross, Mom.  Why would you even think about that?

Me:  Sorry.

(Reader.  Rio is our kitten.  Please try and keep up.)

We continue on the blessed journey home.

LD starts repeatedly shouting: Boobs!

Me (turning music down):  WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

LD:  I yelled move?

Me:  Ok.  I guess that is alright.

Oh.  I have also entered this fun new parenting phase where I have to teach them the importance of putting a seatbelt on again.  So, that’s our latest daily battle.

Me to HD:  Dude.  That’s not safe.

HD:  Gosh, Mom.  I am buckled.

Me:  Yeah, that’s not gonna work.

HD:  Yes, it does work, Karen.

Me:  NO.  IT DOES NOT WORK.  SIT UP.  AND DO NOT CALL ME KAREN.

HD:  Gosh.  Child abuse.

Now that I have thoroughly annoyed the dudes, they are going to start in on a little segment I like to call:

Let’s Make Fun of Mom and Hope We Live To See Tomorrow

HD:  Did you see Mom teaching today?

LD: Haha.  Yeah.

HD:  She still has her stupid gamer headphones on.

LD:  Haha.  Yeah.

Me:  Are you referring to my headset?

HD:  Yes.  You look dumb.

Me:  That’s fine.  This is how I teach the children.

HD:  Mom, you looked so dumb when you stood for the pledge.

Me:  Why?

HD:  Because you are standing there saying the pledge to no one and there is no flag.

Me:  I am saying the pledge with 21 first graders and we have a picture of the flag on the screen.  It is the best I can do.

Boys chuckle and giggle and think I am an embarrassment to society.

Me to LD:  Dude.  You like my lessons.

LD:  I do actually.  I know all the answers.

The boys go back to playing on the phone and I go back to listening to music.

LD shouts:  She is like 80% Hoe!

Me:  What?!?

LD:  What?

Me:  WHAT DID YOU SAY?

LD:  She’s 80% pro?

Me:  Well.  I guess that’s alright.

So, Reader.  Here is the question.  Is my hearing THAT BAD, or are they messing with me?

Oh, and I love my deafness at night.

Tank the dog was panting heavily in the wee hours of the morning.

David:  We need to do something about that dog.

Me:  Oh. He is fine.

As I turned around and laid on my good ear so I would not hear the noise any longer and enjoyed my blissful slumber.

***

Here is a picture of the whole Maliblahblah family from Alex and Lauralee’s wedding.

Later, Dudes.

Norma Jean Riley has moved all four kittens to a yet-to-be-discovered location.  I have not had time to search for them, and frankly, I am getting a bit “over it.”  I don’t know who these cats think they are.

However, about a week ago, I had four dogs and ten cats all living on the main floor of my home.

And now I only have three dogs and three cats living on the main floor of my home.  Because I found new homes for one dog and two kittens.

It feels a bit more normal and I shall leave Norma and her kittens alone for awhile so I can act like I am not a crazy cat lady.

Update:  Rio and Mama Kitty are both getting fixed on Tuesday.  Let Operation “End the Kitten Madness” commence.

***

My crazy life has become an asset to my teaching career.  I don’t have time to really “plan” and be “thoughtful” about what I am doing each day.  But I have a gigantic bank of entertaining resources to help keep little ones engaged and, you know, things just come together man.

Oh a whim, I decided to teach them “ee.”

And then we stumbled across the book “Sheep in a Jeep.”

So, we have been working on “ee” and “sh” in phonics AND THEN we read a nonfiction book on sheep.

And I don’t know why it took me so long to remember but I HAVE AN ACTUAL SHEEP AT MY HOUSE.

Face palm.

But I remembered and I conferred with Little Dude, who is the shepherd of the aforementioned sheep, and asked him if my first graders could come up with names and have a class vote on the name for the sheep and then we could learn about collecting data and graphing and all peoples will rise and call me blessed for being such a “with-it” teacher who managed to “plan” a unit around “sh” and “ee” and ACTUAL sheep.  Oh, and sprinkle a bit of math in there, too.  Because, winning.

Little Dude could not care less if we name his sheep.  Little Dude thinks the sheep is a boy.  Little Dude’s voice is getting deeper by the second and it’s like every night he gets stretched out and wakes up bigger than the day before.

So, yeah.  I am going to name a sheep with my first graders today.  And it will be magical.

***

Abbie the dog loves David so very much.  She tries to act aloof about it, but we all know she is gaga.  If he walks by her, she pretends to be asleep, but her tail is pounding the ground and she looks like she is about to pee herself with sheer joy.  Yes, Reader.  David is a dreamboat and he has this affect on us gals.

If I hug David, as I am wont to do, being his wife and all, she gets uber jealous and barks at us to let us know that she, his TRUE LOVE, is right there.

On one of our camping trips, we were all standing around the campfire and were going to pray before the meal.

My father in law prefers it if we all hold hands for a prayer.  This put Abbie in a TIZZY and she stood and barked at David during the prayer because he was touching TWO people and not her.  And it was very disrespectful to the blessing and annoyed my father in law, but it is too hard to explain to him that a dog is in love with his son, so I just let him be annoyed and think we are raising heathen dogs who disrupt prayer.

***

The boys have bad grades so we took their phones.  This infuriated them.

HD:  Mom and Dad just don’t get it.  They don’t know what it is like to be in school because the last time they were in school was 1972.

LD:  YEAH!

***

David and I were not even twinkles in our parents’ eyes in 1972.

***

Let us discuss two precious first grader stories, shall we?

1.  One of my boys is SO CUTE. His hair is always perfectly combed and he has a bit of a southern accent.  He is super serious all the time and melts my heart.  I was working with him in a small group one afternoon (online, of course) and we were going to play a rhyming game that involved clapping.  He looked very serious and said:

“My baby is sleeping.”

Which meant, his little sister was taking nap and he did not want to clap and wake her.

2.  The kids were supposed to write a story across three pages and share it with me in a video.  I needed this for an assessment.  I needed to see the text and hear their story.

I have this student and I am pretty sure that if he ruled the world, he would not be in online school.  But, I digress.

He gets a bit sassy with his videos and is always saying something like:

My name is Billy.  You already know that.

Yesterday’s video:

Hi.  My name is Billy.  Like normal.  I am not going to read this to you.  You are not in kindergarten, you can read it yourself.

So, I am going to have to email mom and ask for her to send me the writing somehow.

Fun Fact:  Mom was sitting right by him when he told me he would not read it to me.

***

In closing, let us have an update on Auntie Datenut and the Facebook/Clothing saga.

To bring you up to speed:
1.  Auntie doesn’t understand Facebook.

2.  Kate posted something about being a clothing ambassador for a shop and thanked everyone for her support.  This means that IN THE FUTURE she might be wearing cute clothes for a shop and would appreciate our FUTURE support.

3.  Auntie went back through six years of clothing and commented her support for Kate’s clothing.

4.  I have not had time to connect with Auntie.  She is asleep the times I am awake and I am asleep the times she is awake and she has a cell phone, but she sends one text and then turns it off for like a week and it is just hard to connect with her, you know?

5.  Kate posted a collage of pictures of her and Auggie.  These pictures have nothing to do with her new gig as a clothing ambassador.

Auntie’s Comment:

Dearest Kate.  I love you to pieces and I want to support you and your clothes, but girl y’all gonna have to wear something more than torn jeans although they are tres chic.  Just sayin’.

Who will connect with Auntie and help her sort through this confusion?

Not it.

Just sayin’.

Happy Wednesday.

The other day, I went and got pedicures with my two friends.

Yes.  I have two friends.

Let’s call them Tiffany and Erika.

As we were getting pedicures, Tiffany decides to bring up my strange farm life.

Tiffany to the Spa gals:  Taylor had 100 pigs this spring!

Spa Gal:  ONE HUNDRED?

Me (sigh):  Actually, the first round was 200 and the second was 150, so we had a total of 350.

Tiffany:  And Taylor even had to nurse a few of them.

And as she said that, she made a motion that would insinuate that I, Taylor Maliblahblah, nursed sickly weaner pigs on my own chest areas.

Spa gal literally stopped working on my feetsies and stared right at me.

Me:  Nope.  With a bottle.  Not “nursing.”

***

David and I traveled many miles this weekend to get the Trailer of Dreams.  We took Cali, Alex’s dog, along with us.  Because after 2 1/2 years, he was ready to bring her home.

I will admit that I caring for Cali was NOT all sunshine and rainbows, but it was nice to see how happy Alex and Cali were to finally be reunited.  It almost made it all worth it.

Almost.

But anyways.  We had to leave Saturday, and Alex could not take Cali until Sunday.  So we did something I didn’t really know people did:

We stayed in a hotel room with a dog.

A.

Dog.

As we were getting ready to go on Saturday, I was getting one of the dog kennels from the house cleaned up and ready to go.  We figured we would need a kennel for Cali in the hotel.

Because, and please sit down for this, some hotels let people stay with dogs.

?

When we were about to leave, David informed me that he had loaded the kennel.  But I noticed the kennel and I had prepared was still sitting in our room.

David:  I grabbed one from the shop.

Me:  The one that used to house sickly pigs?

David:  I guess.

Me:  Isn’t it too small?

David:  Nah.

Me:  Is there still old pig poop hay in the bottom?

David:  Maybe.

And off we went.

Cali was a very good girl for the trip.  We got her into the hotel room and it was time to put her to bed in the kennel.

She didn’t want to go.

Also, she was too big.

Cali is fat.

David had to literally shove her in.  And, yes.  There was still pig poop hay in the kennel.  In case you were wondering.  And Cali hated the kennel and busted out of there around midnight.

We bought the trailer.  We met up with Alex and Lauralee.  We passed off the dog.  And then it was time to drive home.  And David wanted to take a nap.

So, I, yes, I, Taylor Maliblahblah drove the ginormous diesel truck and hauled our new fifth wheel for SEVENTY WHOLE MILES.

I drove it like a champ.  About 18 semi trucks passed me.  And David bought me my favorite ice cream cone:  moose tracks in a waffle cone.

***

I believe I have solved the mystery of Auntie Datenut commenting on years worth of pictures regarding clothes.  The common denominator in all of these photos was Kate.

Kate was selected to be some sort of clothing ambassador?  For a clothing boutique?  I cannot be certain.

So she posted on The Facebooks that she was such an ambassador  for the clothing and appreciated all the love and support.

Now.  I am under the impression that Auntie does not use Facebook the way most people use it. She claims she doesn’t have a newsfeed.  So, when she gets on Facebook, she just looks up people and checks them out for awhile.  I guess.

So, she saw Kate’s post and then proceeded to go through years of photos and comment on the clothing.

Comments such as:

“Such cute clothes!”

“Here I am.  Your faraway aunt supporting you and your clothes!”

“Can’t really see your clothes in this picture, but I support you by stating I am sure they were fashionable.”
“Cute 3 inches of tank top I can see in this picture.”

You guyzzzzz.  I laughed so hard when it all came together.

Poor, sweet Auntie Datenut.

She gets an E for Effort, for sure.

Toodles!

Charlie the puppy keeps running around with a pig foot and here are tonight’s top stories:

We bought some land next to us and we have been trying to find the exact corners and have been unsuccessful.

Last night, I decided to be my husband’s help meet and go find them.  I got myself into quite a bind when I traversed onto an area that is like a giant rock pit.  It was very steep and I did not want to blow my knee out again.  So I got on my butt and slid down the hill.  I still could not find the necessary boundary marker.  So I called my neighbor.  Neighbor knew exactly where it was and I was WAY off.  And I totally didn’t need to slide down a mountain.  I wonder if anyone saw me?

Speaking of neighbors, David does not ever want to inconvenience them.  So if someone mentions a concern about anything, he takes care of it.

We took in his brother’s dog, Cali, 2 1/2 years ago.  I found this to be quite inconvenient, but he is not usually worried if I am inconvenienced.

Cali is highly annoying and bark/howls endlessly.  For two and a half years I have waited for a neighbor to make a comment.  For I knew that if David felt the neighbors were bothered, he would make other plans for Cali.

Reader.  No neighbor ever called.

Yesterday, I mentioned to a neighbor that Cali would be leaving.

Her response:

“Oh, thank goodness.  She is SO LOUD.”

TWO AND A HALF YEARS, PEOPLE.  TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

***

I did a live writing assessment with my first graders.  I do not tell them how to spell words, because that would be COCONUTS.  I encourage them to sound words out and just try their best.

One boy was sitting kind of funny and was coming in at an angle on his Zoom camera.  He leaned in and said:

“Mrs. M.  I am trying to spell ‘At the park.’  I have the letter ‘A” and I do not know what comes next.”

*sigh*

Me:  Sound it out.  Aaaaaaaa-t.  A-T.

He looks at me and says ” Got it.  “t”.”  Then he did the little finger shooting thing and gave me a smile and muted himself.  And for some reason did not want help with “the” or “park.”

I love first graders.

We had a Zoom scavenger hunt today and one thing they had to find was a square of toilet paper.  While kids were waiting after class to talk to me, one girl wrote:  I love Mrs. M with marker on her toilet paper and shoved it up to the camera.

My own children are exasperating me.  Here is a list of grievances:

1.  I opened the fridge and salsa flew out at me because

a)  Someone did not close the salsa

b)  Someone just chucked it into the fridge and then slammed the door really quickly.

Also:  I checked with all the kids.  No one did it.

2.  My teens got home about an hour before me.  And as I was still driving home, I was

called and asked what was for dinner and when was dinner.

3.  My children were inconvenienced because they had to wait for me to cook dinner.

And they were so hungry.  The nerve of me.

4.  I bought a cute table runner and decorative pillows.  HD doesn’t understand why I

bought something so stupid.

5.  I have to literally bribe HD with milkshakes so he will speak when his physical

           therapist speaks to him.  As she is trying to help heal his hand.

      6.  We caught our old dog, Tank, trying to eat poo nuggets out of the litter box.

One child (who shall remain nameless) said this actual sentence:

“You guys.  I am actually serious about this.  What if he is trying to commit suicide?”

7.  One child told me he/she thinks he/she has a spending problem.  And he/she had a

solution to fix it.  And his/her solution started with this actual sentence:

“So, in order to help my problem, I am now buying _____________.”

Me:  So you are shopping to help stop your shopping problem?

Child:

8.  Oh.  I am ruining Hadley’s life.  Because apparently when all of her friends google a

a needed school link, it pulls up my teacher page.

“MOM.  Now everyone knows I am related to you.  And you are a teacher.  And

sometimes your picture shows up!  It is awful.”

9.  But please remember:  there are people in the world who do like me and write me

notes on squares of toilet paper.

10.  My apple watch charger has been stolen and not returned.  No one took it.  But I

know in my heart of hearts it was Hadley.  She steal/loses everything.

***

Auntie Datenut.

Auntie Datenut did something odd last night.  She went through several of our family pictures during the wee hours of the morning and commented on them.  But all the comments had to do with our clothing and how she approved of our clothing.  And I do not understand why.

***

We got a book and a dog pool/bath in the mail today that no one here ordered.  And I am plum confused.

***

Do you remember how David hit a deer with my car?  It still is not fixed.  In fact-hasn’t even been started.

***

Not only are we taking Cali to her new home this weekend, but we are picking up our new fifth wheel.  The fifth wheel will be for our river property and for camping.  It might be nicer than my house.  But that’s only because the kids haven’t been in it yet.

***

Let us end with a cute first grade story.  Have I mentioned that I teach/love first grade?

We were taking a break and I had them all mute/stop video and told them to come back at 9:45.  I had my headphones on and was answering emails.  Around 9:42, I hear:

Student A:  Mrs. Malikaka?  Are you there?

Student B:  I do not think she is here.

Student A:  Where IS she?

Student B:  I think she is getting a snack.

Student C:  I think she is taking a bath.

Student A:  There are no baths at schools!

*giggle, chuckle, giggle*