The Lumberjack's Wife

Today, I took a break from my new career as a Fixer Upper and took Kate into town to get her wisdom teeth out.

Did you remember that I had teen daughters?  I do.  I have two of them.  They are like faint whispers in the wind.  Sometimes they are home, sometimes they are at work, sometimes they are at the beach, we never really know.

Anyways, I took Kate into town for wisdom teeth removal.  She was very concerned that she would say something embarrassing.  When they told me I could come back, I asked the nurses if she had said funny things.

Nurse:  Oh, no.  We cannot even get her to really wake up.

And that was a very accurate description.  Kate was completely zonked.  They kept trying to get her to wake up, point to me, do anything, and it was all too much for her.  They wheeled her down to the car and we had to actually pick her up and place her in the vehicle.

Nurse:  Now she can’t sleep right now.  Keep her up until you get home!

Me:  Got it!

Well, I totally failed at that job.  I stopped by the pharmacy to drop off her prescriptions and then went to run a couple of errands while they filled them.

I know.  A terrible time to run errands.  But we live by a rule that states we only go to town once a day.  And we abide by that rule.

Kate:  What’s going on?!

(Please understand, she is swollen and her mouth is full of bloody gauze.)

Me:  Well, hello!  Please stay awake.

Kate:  How did I get here?

Me:  A wheelchair to the car.

Kate:  Did I walk?

Me:  No, you were carried.

Kate:  Oh.

Me:  Don’t go to sleep!

Kate:  I wonder why they took my tongue?

Me:  You still have your tongue.

Kate:  Are you sure?

Me:  Yes.  Do you want to snuggle with Ophelia?

Kate:  YES

*Kate falls asleep*

Ophelia is a stuffed elephant that Kate’s boyfriend, Auggie, gave her.  Ophelia is named after this song.

I had to go to Lowe’s.  I had to go to Lowe’s because I was in town, and we only go to town once a day. IT IS A RULE. And I needed another can of Sea Serpent blue because Pinterest is giving me IDEAS, man.

So, I pull up to Lowe’s.

Me:  Kate.  Wake up.

Kate:  Yeah?

Me:  I am going into Lowe’s.  I am leaving the car on with the air conditioning running.

Kate:  How did I get here?

Me:  A wheelchair.

Kate:  Oh.  Do you know why they took my tongue?

Me:  They did not take your tongue.  I am going into Lowe’s.  You need to stay put.  Here is your phone.  You can call me if needed.

Kate starts checking Instagram.  I find this to be a good sign.

Me:  If you have a problem, do you know who you should call?

Kate:  Yes.  Auggie.

Me:  No!  Me!

Kate falls asleep.

I go into Lowe’s.  I do my shopping.  As I am shopping, I get informed by HD that he was trying to paint for me, but ran the bobcat into the porch portico and it is now knocked off a little bit.

Which is what every mother wants to hear when she is 45 minutes away.

Me:  Call Dad.

HD:  Why?  The porch hasn’t fallen down or anything.

Me:  CALL YOUR DAD

Then I get a text from Kate.

Kate:  where r u

This is how teens text.  Also, she has this weird thing where she will not ever capitalize letters.

Me:  I am in Lowe’s.  Please stay there.

Kate:  i can come find you.  we can play hide and seek.

What the what?!

So, I get my SEA SERPENT BLUE and get back to the car.  She is asleep.

But not for long.

Kate:  Have I had surgery yet?

Me:  Yes.

Kate:  Oh.  I wonder why they took my tongue.

Me:  Alright, Sis.  You said earlier there were a few things you wanted from the store.  Do you want me to stop at the store, or do you want me to ask Hadley to bring some stuff home after work?

Kate:  I don’t care.

Me:  Well, are you going to sit still in the car and not get out?

Kate:  Sure.  Can you get ice cream?

Me:  Yes.

Kate (delighted):  Oh!  How did Ophelia get here?

Me:  I handed her to you.

Kate:  But, Mom.  GOOD ice cream.

Me:  Ok.  What kind do you want?

And then she just kind of waved her hands around and went back to sleep.

Excellent.

So, I go and get the necessary groceries and go back to the car.  Kate has decided to spit out the bloody gauze and it is just laying on her shirt.

Kate (calmly):  My tongue just fell out.

Me:  No, that is the gauze.

Kate:  Oh.

Me:  Ok.  We need you to eat and take your meds.  What do you want?  I bought yogurt.

Kate:  Dutch Bros.  Smoothie and coffee.

Me:  Got it.

Kate:  MOM!  They can’t see me.  They know me.  And I look like a vampire.  Look.

And she opens her mouth and it is full of blood.  Very macabre.

Me:  I will do all the talking.  You just hide behind Ophelia.

Kate:  How did I get in the car?

Me:  For the love, Child.

So, we go to Dutch Bros.  And are there Dutch Bros all over the country, or just here in the Pacific Northwest?  Dutch Bros is a hoot.  It is a coffee stand that is having a party.  All employees are on cloud nine and just DELIGHTED that you have come to purchase coffee from them today.  Their customer service is top notch.  Unfortunately, they did not have spoons to offer with the smoothie, and Kate cannot use a straw.

So, I go pick up the prescriptions.  And I had the audacity to ask the pharmacist if they happened to have a plastic spoon, because that seems logical.

They did not.

So, then I had to go to another store and go through the whole song and dance with Kate once more.

Me:   You got in the car by wheelchair.  You have your tongue.  Stay in the car!

And I power walked to the plastic cutlery and made my purchase and went back to the car.

Kate was asleep.

Me:  Ok, time to wake up!  You need to eat.  Would you like your smoothie or some yogurt?

She chose smoothie.

I open the cutlery only to find I had purchased plastic forks.

Me (staying positive and definitely not going back in the store):  This will work just fine!  See?

And I demonstrated to her how one can eat a smoothie with a fork.

She had a few bites and I gave her many pills.  And then we hit the road because I had two boys to get home to and a hopefully still-standing house.

Kate:  I need a break!  I need a break from this smoothie!

Me:  Ok, no worries.

And she fell asleep.

I got home.  The house was still standing.  The boys were annoyed that I bought Kate Dutch Bros and not them and no fair.

The End.

David is going to be surely glad when I go back to work.  Because, when I am teaching, that is all I have the energy for.

Teaching.  That is it.

But right now, I am on *summer break* and have been all inspired since we fixed up that rental.  And instead of being sad that the house I like so much is being sold, I have decided I am going to fix up some stuff around THIS house.

And David is still working, still farming, still sporting a cracked rib, and added a broken finger to the mix.  David is not on Pinterest.  But I am.  I am on there a lot.  And I have many ideas.

Many.

But who has the time to wait around for David?  I ask you?  So I am starting to tackle things around here that I can do on my own.  And for a gal who hates to paint, I am sure painting an awful lot.

I am plum tired of my home’s exterior.  I don’t like it.  I don’t like the colors.  It is vinyl siding and I cannot change it, which makes me sad.  The trim and shutters are like a brownish red, but mostly brown.  The doors were all a medium wood stain.  Everything looks like it needs TLC.  I have been agonizing and pinning and trying to figure out what colors would work and then I just threw caution to the wind and started.  First I started painting all wood trim white.  I am still not certain about it, but I like it better than brown.  Then I found the door of my dreams on Pinterest:

(source)

I mean.  Come on.

The color from that pin is Sherwin Williams Sea Serpent.  We always get our paint at Home Depot, so I did a color converter thing and purchased Behr Starless Night.

And I learned that Behr Starless Night is NOT the same as Sherwin Williams Sea Serpent, unfortunately.  And did you know that Lowe’s has Sherwin Williams paint?  And I got the right paint and I have painted three out of four exterior doors and 8 out of ten shutters.  I am totally rocking it over here.

I have been stressing out over how to paint the top of this porch portico thing we have and I am deathly afraid of using an extension ladder.  I was trying to discuss this with HD, and he came up with his own plan using the Bobcat AND offered to paint it for me.  And then we shoved LD into the mix and I was winning at life:

Brilliant.

In other news, we are down to two weaner pigs.  These two are NOT champions and it is a wonder they are even still alive.  David and the boys went to a livestock auction and LD bought two darling lambs:

Because he could.

David bought 20 butcher pigs:

Because he could.

Last night, David and I were discussing life on the deck.  It was make your own dinner night.  I had a salad.  He brought out a box of ice cream bars and popped a bag of popcorn.

Me:  David, I do not think the two little pigs should live with the big pigs.

David:  They’ll be fine.

Me:  I think the big pigs will eat the little ones.  Or at least trample them, and then eat them.

And, yes.  I truly do think this would happen.  Because giant pigs such as these once ate about 20 of my live hens.

Anyways, David insisted the little pigs get moved in with the big pigs and that was part of the boys’ chores today.  I went to check on the sitch:

Yeah.  Me no likey.

And then I was watching the giant ugly pigs fight over mud and I was sure tiny pig had been trampled.  I ran inside to ask the boys to help me move them out.

Boys:  No.

I know.  I felt it was disrespectful, too.

Me:  Yes.

Boys:  Dad told us to do it this way.  You will have to ask him, he will get mad at us.

So, I call David.  He doesn’t really care where the pigs live, but he has a water supply issue and doesn’t have an extra space for the little pigs at this time.  Which is understandable.  But, please remember, I am the smart one of this operation.  Probably because I fuel my body with salad and not ice cream bars and popcorn.

Just kidding.  I eat ice cream and popcorn, too.  Just AFTER salad.

Me:  Can we let the little pigs live with the lambs?

David agreed and the boys and I moved the baby pigs to live with the baby lambs and everyone is happy.

Except the big pigs.  They were snorting and biting at each other, being all vile and fighting over the mud.  So I, being the kind person to animals that I am, told them to chill out and I could just make them more mud.

Yes, I talk to my animals.  Don’t you?

Oh they were all grunty and happy.  But, please, let the records show:  I despise them.

We believe Mama Kitty is pregnant again.

Me:  For SHAME, Mama.  FOR SHAME.

She doesn’t feel remorseful about her actions.  But I cannot figure out how this happened.  I know of no male cats around and she is literally always asleep on my couch.

Alright.  Enjoy your day.

Today, I spent a lot of quality time with the dudes.  I do not have to drag them around on errands as much anymore, as they are old enough to stay home alone for small bursts of time.  And it reminded me of the days of yore.  When they were my BFF and we had to go everywhere together, even the toilet stalls.  I shudder.  And I cannot decide which is worse with these two:  the toddler years or the preteen years.

Let us discuss.

I had many errands to run, and they had to come along because one was a haircut for them and the other was their yearly well check at the pediatrician.

Here is what I need you to understand:  there is non stop heckling.  I am called “boomer” every 10 seconds, even though I was born in 1981 and am definitely not a “baby boomer.”  They are also competitive about everything, and are even competitive about who is more competitive.

I have gotten smarter in my old age, so I now bribe them.  They love to get Dutch Bros for a treat.  LD always tries to get Red Bull.  Ha.  Like this is my first rodeo with him.  Anyways, they want Dutch Bros right from the get-go.  But I am old (not baby boomer old) and smart and know how days with the Dudes go.  So I tell them:

“We’ll see how your behavior is today.”

And, please understand.  They behave atrociously.  But if I simply look at them while they are punching each other at Costco and say:
“Dutch Bros”

They straighten right up and say ridiculous things, such as:

“Is there anything I can do to help, Mother?”

And HD thinks he is humorous and always says:

“Is there anything I can do to help, Mother Theresa?”

Can you see my eyes rolling from where you are?

At one point we stopped at a thrift store.  I enjoy finding sweatshirts and shoes for these two monkeys at thrift stores as they are likely to :

A) Lose clothing

B) Stain clothing

C) Outgrow clothing

D) Put giant holes in clothing

LD:  CLOTHE THE NAKED!

Me:  Huh?

LD:  CLOTHE THE NAKED!

Me:  Why are you saying that?

LD:  Because that’s what the thrift store says.

And I never noticed it, but there is a giant painting of Jesus and it says, “Clothe the Naked” on it and now LD will repeat it for all eternity.

I took them to get their hairs cut.  We get our haircut by Haircut Lisa.  Haircut Lisa has cut my hair since I was probably six years old.

She is also not a boomer.  But, I digress.

As she was making the boys all handsome, she and I were taking a walk down memory lane.  And remembering how “challenging” the dudes were.  And here were two stories I remembered.

Boys Toddler Story #1:

When the kids were little, I always had to do clothes shopping with them.  I could trust the girls to meander about the store while I tried on clothes-but the boys?!  NEVER. So they always had to come into the fitting rooms with me.

I shudder.

I was always very discreet with them and careful when trying on clothes.  But do you know who is NOT discreet?

Little Dude.

And I was trying on clothes, and was definitely NOT naked, and he started sing/shouting:

“I see Mom’s penis!  I see Mom’s penis!”

So that was fun.

Boys Toddler Story #2:

I had to go to the doctor and could find no one to babysit.  I wonder why?  The nurse told me she needed a urine sample.  She was of the no-nonsense type and I could tell she would definitely mind keeping an eye on the boys.  So I carted them to the bathroom so I could “watch” them as I performed the urine sample.

And LD just opened the door and walked out.  Right as I was midstream.

And I had to waddle/chase after him.

And here is the best part:  the door opened into a waiting room.

Preteen Boys Today:  Gosh, Mom.  You always say embarrassing things.

Me:  Oh?!  I am sorry.  You are embarrassed?  Huh?

Also Me:  These are the stories you will remember each Mother’s Day.  For every Mother’s Day from now until eternity, you will owe me bouquets of flowers.

HD:  Whatever, Mother Theresa.

LD:  CLOTHE THE NAKED!

So then we go to the doctor for the well checks and I am watching these two hooligans and getting a glimpse into what it must be like to be a middle school teacher.

I shudder.

And we must all pray that the Lord will bless and keep all middle school teachers from now until all eternity.  Amen.

At one point, the doc had to do some checking that was more “private” in nature.  HD was very concerned that LD would look.  LD promised he would not, and then completely flopped down facing the opposite direction.

Like so:

He is like a giant man-child.  And I found those shoes at the “Clothe the Naked” thrift store.  They are size 11.

Me to David:  I am going to save these for when they will fit into them.

LD:  Thanks for the new shoes!  They fit just great!

Also.  He is literally off the charts in all the growth charts.  Like, literally.  Like his little dot is above all the lines.

He needed a shot and melted into a complete and udder baby.  I jokingly said, do you need me to hold your hand, and he shouted “YES!”

So, I held onto my giant man boy, who has bigger hands than me and is at least an inch taller than me.

And I bought them Dutch Bros.

And if I had a nickel for every time LD shouted, “Clothe the Naked,” that Dutch Bros would have been FREE.

Happy Thursday!

David has given the boys a job.  They must tear down some fence sections so they can be rebuilt.  They must remove the barbed wire and pluck out the t posts.  I like when the boys have chores such as these.  It makes them feel manly AND it gets them out of the house.

Today, I saw them slowly walking back to the house.  LD had his arm around HD and HD looked stunned.  I stepped out onto the back deck.

LD:  Possible concussion!  We got a possible concussion here!

Me:  Alright, I will meet you at the door.

We usher HD inside and he is bleeding profusely down his face.

Me to LD:  What happened?

LD:  Well, I did not see it because I WAS WORKING.  I was WORKING on my own section of barbed wire and HD was pulling out t posts.  I think the post puller thing hit him on the head.  But I didn’t see it.  BECAUSE I WAS WORKING.

Me:  Ok . . .

LD:  No one ever thinks I am working.  I just want you all to know I was actually working.

Me:  Good deal.

So, I turn my attention to HD.  HD is like his father in many ways, but not in the medical sense.

I keep asking HD questions and he refuses to answer me.

Me:  Buddy, I know your head hurts, but you need to talk to me so I can help you.

HD (panicking):  Mom.  I cannot breathe.  I just cannot.  I cannot get a breath in.

Me (calmly):  You are not injured near your lungs.  Your breathing should not be affected.  Just calm down and take a slow breath.

He heeds my instruction.

HD:  Ok, that worked.

So, we clean him up, call the doc for advice, and he is now basically back to normal.

David still has a cracked rib.  He is still in pain.  He will not consult a doctor.

***

The reason the boys are removing the fence section is because it needed to be repaired and the cows and horses just keep breaking it down to get to a field of grass.  So, David and the boys rigged up the pasture fence so that they could go and eat in that new section for awhile and we could not have to keep fighting with them to keep them in their boring, already eaten field.

Early this morning, the horses decided to become clever and start knocking hay bales down out of the hay barn.  They would break them up with their hooves and eat to their heart’s delight.

The cows have also caught on to this brilliant plan and they, too, are joining in.

If you can see, there are hay bales under that slanted roof.  David and the boys had boarded and gated them off.  But the clever animals stand on their tippy toes and reach over and knock the hay bales out with their heads.  I believe they have eaten at least 12 today.

Meanwhile, here is a live shot of the field we expected them to feast on:

So that’s not working out.

Happy Tuesday.

Me:  How was camp?

LD (grinning sheepishly):  It was . . . good.

Me:  Oh my word.  Did you get a girlfriend?

LD: No!

Me:  Do you like a girl?

LD:  No!

Me:  Does a girl like you?

LD:  Well . . . .

Me:  Ohmygoodness you are too young for this.  How do you know she likes you?

LD:  Every time she saw my face she would smile.

I notice his toes.  They are a disgrace.  An absolute disgusting mess.

Me:  If you ever want a girl to ever really like you, you must never have toes that look like that.

LD looks at his toes.

LD:  I am good without a girl.  Or I can wear shoes.

***

David’s brother, Alex, is a hoot and a half.  Everything he has is super nice and of superior quality.

David:  Just wait until you have kids.

Alex:  My kids will be trained.  They will know to not touch my things.

David and I share a chuckle.

Alex, his fiance Lauralee, David and I were floating down the river.  Alex and Lauralee were floating in an extremely nice raft worth many dollars.  They had a YETI cooler and speakers and music playing and all was right with their world.

David and I were floating in our tube that we purchased in 2006.  It has a hole, but we cannot figure out where it is.  So we borrow David’s sister, Lisa’s, handheld pump and just randomly pump the tube up as we float down the river.

Alex:  I like to have things that are nice.  I don’t want a lot of things, but I don’t want junk.  I want things that are of good quality.

David and I:  Yeah.  That sounds nice.

As we pump our old, deflating tube and saunter on down the river.

***

Seven pigs.  There are seven pigs left.

***

HD purchased a drone and he loves it.  It is actually pretty cool and can take pictures and videos.  Today, we were out on the deck, minus David and Hadley for they were not at home.

Kate was trying to chillax in the hot tub.  LD decided to scare the cute kitty, Rio, and put her on top of the hot tub cover.  HD decided to try and scare the cute kitty, Rio, by flying the drone by her.

If you can even see all of that.  My photo skills are lacking.

***

The cute puppy, Charlie, has a strange obsession with socks.  She loves them and she takes them outside with her.  I oft find socks scattered about the lands.

It would be cute, except it isn’t.

***

I went to the dentist today.  I still have zero cavities.  Even the dentist commented on it.  I am proud of me.

I took the opportunity to inform him that I am 39 and have ZERO speeding tickets, along with ZERO cavities.

He will probably never forget me.

***

Here is a picture of the three youngest calves:

Covey (Seattle’s calf), and the two Elusive calves of which I have yet to name.

Elusive WITH a Tag’s calf is the one sitting in the far right of the picture.  She is chewing on some sort of netting that goes around hay.  I removed it, because I am kind.  And then Elusive WITHOUT a Tag noticed I was near her child and charged at me.  She has issues and I hope she gets help for them someday.

***

Me:  David, we need to go easy on the debit card for a few days.  We had some unexpected bills.

Also me:  Look at this darling collar I bought for Abbie!  She is the best and she deserves it.

Happy Monday, Friends.

On Friday, I went to go and mow at the rental house.  Did I mention I REALLY miss the boys?  Also, I am terrible at starting lawn mowers.  I may or may not have had to google: “How do you start a lawn mower?”  The only way I could start it was to have it on “choke” and then I had to put the handle down on the ground, step on it with my foot, and pull up really hard on the string.  And I ran it on choke the whole entire time.  And, no, I do not know what choke means.

And then I had an inner struggle.  I was hot and sweaty and tired.  I wanted to just put the grass clippings in the trash at the rental, but then I thought about my husband and how much he would appreciate me bringing the dang grass clippings home for our herd, so I did, because I am amazing.

David and his cracked rib came and gratefully unloaded the grass clippings for me and dumped them into the cow pen.  The horses are the world’s biggest bullies and they wouldn’t let my cow friends have any.

Any time the cows would lower their heads, the horses would attack.

Then, David and his cracked rib, and Hadley went to go and pick up a load of hay from the field.  And when they returned, David and his cracked rib, Hadley, and the boys, unloaded the hay into the hay barn.

And I would like to announce that we are done with the small bales of hay.

On Saturday, we woke up and had a few things to do around the house before we were going to join my parents up at our river property.

David:  It is going to be great leaving the trailer up at the property.  We won’t ever take the truck and we will save on gas.

Also David: Ok, I got the truck and goose neck ready to go.

Fun Fact:  He calls it the goose neck, for reasons that are unbeknownst to me, but I call it Big Tex, because I feel that adds a bit more pizzazz.  Also, it is labeled as such.

We were completely loaded and ready to go and LD ran into the house to get something, looked out the window, and informed us that a cow was out.

So, David and his cracked rib, HD, and I go and try to assess the situation.  The cow that is out is Elusive without a Tag.  Please remember that she wishes death upon all humans at all times.  Anyways, we had a plan to guide her down the fence line.  I had opened the gate and everyone was standing strategically placed to help guide her back safely into the pen.

Elusive without a Tag decided to break through the fence right next to the open gate.

So, David and his cracked rib had to go and repair the fence.  I decided to go back into the house and work on Mount Laundry.  I tried to coax our dog, Abbie, out of the truck, but she would not budge.

Here is a list of everything Abbie loves:

1.  David
2. Going anywhere with David
3. Going to the river property with David
4. Going in David’s truck
5. David

David was able to repair the fence and we went and met up with my parents.  We decided to go on a river float.  We have floated a lot this year.  River floating is a top notch plan, in my opinion.

Hadley agrees.

It was a gorgeous weekend.  Plus, we live in the most beautiful area in the continental U.S.

Here is L.D. and his kayak.  The boys bought kayaks last year with their own money.  They love them and they love floating down the river with fishing poles.  They don’t catch anything, but it is still super cool.

I took a selfie of myself!

This was right before we saw THE CALVES.

There are people out there living on my dream property.  They have river property AND cows.  So as we were floating down the river, we floated by these two calves:

The one of the left was a bull Charolais and the one on the right was a heifer angus.

Can we stop for a moment and admire how much I sound like I know what I am talking about?

Me:  Ok, David.  I changed my mind.  Remember how I said I wanted a Charolais heifer bottle calf and I would name her Opal and I would keep her forever and ever but then Matilda’s calf died and I said never mind because my heart was broken?

David:  Yup.

Me:  I do want a Charolais heifer bottle calf.  And I want to name her Opal.

David:  Sounds good.

And are not those calves living their best life, I ask you?  Just chilling by the river bank without a care in the world.

We finished our float.  Hadley spent some time snuggling her cute puppy, Charlie.

HD got right to work on mowing.  He decided to try to pretend he was going to run into me, hence the smile:

As soon as he saw me take a pic, he went into DavidNoSmile mode.

LD and David took turns with the bulldozer.  They are trying to make us a beach!

That’s LD in the dozer.

The next morning, my parents had to leave early, but David and I took the kids on a kayak float.  And here is a picture of my view:

I mean.  Come on.  Gorgeous.

We came home.  I checked on the cows.  No one has had a new calf.  We bought Miss America at an auction around April 10th.  She was vet checked and we were told she was 8 months pregnant.  Cow pregnancies last about 9 months.

I snapped this photo of her coming down the way to get a tasty sip of water.  In my head, I sang:

Here she is . . .

Miss America.

Because I am clever and fun.

These are the cows that have not birthed.  Pray for them to birth or David might sell them as hamburger.

Gasp.

Babs, Hildy, Maisy, and Miss America.

David is hurting, I can tell, but he won’t speak of it.  I am worried about him, but he refuses to seek help.  Hopefully he will feel better soon.

Alright.  Toodle-oo.

So, here’s something fun.

You may or may not remember that I enjoy listening to music with my wireless headphones and annoying my children, yes?  Well lately, I have been having technical difficulties.  Sometimes, I feel like the headphones are about to fall out, so I touch them to secure them back into my ear.  And for reasons unbeknownst to anyone, not even The Google, my headphones somehow communicate to my phone and start calling someone.  People I don’t even ever really call.

The first time it was my assistant principal.  I was just cleaning and merrily listening to my tunes when a lovely voice interrupted my song and said:

“Calling-Anna PITE.”

And mystery lady said PITE with much pomp and circumstance.

And that isn’t how you say or spell her last name, but that is how the magical lady chose to say it.  And I do not think it was SIRI because I turned her off moons ago.

So, I had to run to find my phone and cancel the call.

Then, about an hour later, it called my old home group leader.

The next day, Magical Voice Lady tried to FaceTime the mother of a student I taught in 2015.  And then it tried to call the dad of a student I had this year.

He called me back twice and I was too embarrassed to answer.  So, now I am scared of my wireless earbuds and I have sought help from my teens and no one knows how to help me.

The boys are away at camp.  They are coming home today.  And now I will never complain about how much they eat and how ridiculous they are because we sure do rely on them to do a lot of muscle-y things around here.

Let the records show:  They are missed.

Let the records also show:  I totally am going to complain about their food again soon.

Yesterday, I had to sell five pigs all by myself.  It is like a good old fashioned rodeo out there trying to catch those squealing creatures.  We have much less now, so it is harder to grab one.  David told me someone was probably coming today to buy two pigs, but he would let me know when they would be arriving.

So, around 7am, I decided to take advantage of my last quiet morning without the dudes, and leisurely enjoy a second cup of coffee while Rio was purring away on my chest.

At 7:06am, the dogs started barking something fierce.  I get up and look out the window and see a truck from Montana in the driveway.  And we don’t even live in Montana!

This is all sorts of awkward because I am currently in my pj’s and not wearing all appropriate under garments, if you know what I mean.  So, I throw on a sweatshirt and go and help Farmer Montana grab two pigs.  And what on earth time did he wake up to come and get his pigs to be at my house by 7:06am?  And do they not have pigs in Montana, I ask you?

He was merry and jolly and way too excited for these pigs.  They will have a happier life with him.

If the dudes were home, they would have taken care of it.  Oh, how I miss them.

I think David misses them, too.  Getting hay without them is proving to be a challenge, although Hadley has been stepping it up.  Hadley is most assuredly the strongest of our four children, she just has zero interest in farm and ranch life, which is why she isn’t usually assisting.

To add to the fun, when David came home from work yesterday, he looked like a P.O.W.

David:  I fell off a ladder at work today.

Me:  When?!

David:  Um, around 11am.

The time is now 6pm and I am just hearing about it.

Me:  Well, are you ok?

David:  I am pretty messed up.  My ankle is swollen, my wrist is really bad, and I think I cracked a rib.

Me:  Should we go to the doctor?

David (aghast):  Heck, no!

Me:  Would you like some Tylenol or ibuprofen?

David:  No!

This guy is terrified to take a Tylenol.  He says it will build up his body’s resistance.  Maybe he is right, I don’t know, but I do know that when I am feeling fussy, I take something to help ease the pain and make everyone’s life around me easier.

I really want to be there the day he finally takes a Tylenol.  His body is going to go into shock.

Could I get him to rest?  Of course not!  He was hobbling all around trying to feed animals and change a tire on the trailer because, and please sit down for this, he must get a load of hay tonight.

Poor boys.  They are going to get off the bus from camp and go straight to the field.  Not that anyone should feel badly for them.  They double love it and David lets them hit up the gas station and consume 5,000 worth of junk food calories.

Here’s a pic of them unloading hay last week before camp:

That is like one of 17 loads.

Today, I went to check on all my cow friends.  This was risky business because I was home alone, and you might recall I am old now and randomly fall.  So, I was out there, checking away, and I saw Elusive WITH A TAG.  Then I noticed her calf was right by me and she started running after me and mooing, which signaled all the other Mamas to moo and it was purely terrifying and I had to run for my life and I slipped on cow poop and almost went down but I didn’t.

Wouldn’t that have been just a horrible way to go?  Slipping on cow poop and then being trampled by the cow named Elusive with a Tag just because I was trying to make sure everyone was alive?

I didn’t die, so that is good news.

And has Miss America had her calf yet?  Of course not!

Alright!  Happy Friday!

Hadley and I sold ten pigs yesterday.  Mr. 10PigPurchaser was extremely friendly and admitted about 25 times that he has no idea what he is doing, as this is his first time raising pigs.

He was in good company.

Me:  Ok, do you care if we grab boys or girls?

Mr 10:  I don’t know?  Does it matter?  I just want lots of bacon?

Me:  I don’t think it matters.  Now, they are going to scream.

Mr 10:  They are?  Why?

Me:  I think it is like their defense mechanism.  But it is normal and don’t worry.

Mr 10:  They “scream?”

Me:  Oh, yes.  It is horrific.

So we grabbed him ten screaming, non-gendered pigs and away he went, looking forward to his future bacon.

But here is the best news of all:  We only have 13 piglets left.

!

Could the end be near?

David was telling me a sad story about one of our farmer friends.  Farmer Friend’s bull, who was actually Dutch Bros’ Father, broke through a fence and was loose.  Farmer Friend roped him and then left to get a halter so he could lead him back.  When Farmer Friend returned, the bull had accidentally panicked and pulled his rope too tight and strangled himself.

Farm life is hard, dudes.

It reminded me of a story that for some reason I never told you.  So now I will.  This story is two years old.  And why didn’t I write about it two years ago, I ask you?

So at this point in time, we had Matilda and her twins-Tiny Tim and Houdini.  We also had the two horses-Ruby and Chico.  AND we had Rosie, but she was at the aforementioned Farmer Friend’s house getting pregnant with Dutch Bro.

Are you with me?

We get home late one night and see that our fence is broken and all animals are missing, except Tiny Tim.  Tiny Tim was in a special pen so I could bottle feed him because his meany pants Mom, Matilda, rejected him and chose to only love and nourish Houdini.

HD:  Oh, right!  Dad, I noticed the fence was broken today!

Me and David:  WHY DID YOU NOT SAY SOMETHING?

HD:  Geez.  I forgot.

We hatch a plan that involves ropes, buckets of feed, and cell phones.  Kate was to stay at the house and be the lookout to let us know if any of our animal friends have come home to us.

Please note:  It is probably 10pm, it is very dark, and our “neighborhood” is very much stretched out.

For reasons I do not recall, we decide to head up the road to where we believe the horses are.  We are trying to be quiet and not wake up our neighbors.  We were most definitely trespassing.  Our neighbors like us, but if they did not know it was us, they might greet us with a shotgun, if you know what I mean.

Anyways.

David is doing this weird thing where he is making the horses go round and round and making clicking noises with his mouth and trying to rope a horse.  He gets Ruby quickly and ties her up and he proceeds to do the same thing with Chico.

He tries and tries and tries again.

In the meantime, we can hear lots of mooing and we now believe Matilda and Houdini have started a meet and greet at a different neighbor’s cattle ranch.  But we still need to get the horses in.

I like to pride myself on being the voice of reason.  So finally, I  whisper/shout to David:

Just walk Ruby home and Chico will follow!

And I was correct.  Because while I am not very street smart, I am a good animal observer and I know that Chico gets very fussy if Ruby is not by his side.  Must be love.

So, we get the horses back and now must find Matilda and Houdini.

This is where things are going to get hairy.  Please remember this event happened two years ago.

David, Hadley, the boys, and I took the truck down the road to neighboring meet and greet.  Cows are extremely social, so Matilda and Houdini wanted to hang out with their new friends.  Meanwhile, all the neighbor’s cows were angry mooing and causing a ruckus and why that neighbor didn’t greet us with a shotgun is beyond me.

Readers.  Are you familiar with Matilda?  Matilda is the first cow we ever got, and she is beautiful.

Totally not kidding.  She is a looker.

But she is a brat and a half.

She was not interested in listening to David, nor I, and had no intentions of coming peacefully home.  At one point she took off running towards the ONE BUSY ROAD we live near.  As she was running that way, I saw an innocent car coming down the road.  I was terrified that the car would hit her, seeing as how she is black and blends in well with the black night.  Luckily David was able to turn her away from the road.

At this point, is is probably closer to 11pm and we are no longer whispering.  The diesel truck is roaring and we are all shouting.  Finally, David ropes Houdini, who is Matilda’s calf.  He yells for Hadley to run back to the house and get the four wheeler.  His plan is to have Hadley drive the four wheeler and pull Houdini behind her and hopefully Matilda will peacefully follow.

Ha.

Hadley does as instructed and Matilda doesn’t care.  She just let’s him go.  Meanwhile, since Houdini is struggling, the rope gets tight around his neck and Hadley ends up having to drag him the rest of the way home, sure he was dead.  When she got home, she screamed for Kate and she and Kate were able to loosen the rope and get Houdini safely in the pen.  Then Hadley took the four wheeler back to where the rest of us were.

I know that you know that I like to joke around, but I was purely terrified.  Matilda is very large and I was very worried that David or one of the boys were going to get hurt.  David got a rope around Matilda and was trying to tie her to the truck.  She was thrashing about and I screamed at the boys to get in the cab of the truck.

They were like:  But, Moooooom.

And I was like a dragon breathing fire:  YOU LISTEN TO ME AND GET YOUR BUTTS IN THE TRUCK.

We finally get everything situated where we think we can tow Matilda home.  I am the driver of the truck, with the poor, totally bored boys in the cab.  David was trying to help lead Matilda from behind and I was pulling her.  I have no rememberance of where Hadley was specifically, but she had to have been there.

Matilda is tied to the back of the truck and then she would try to run away and kind of pull the truck with her.  There was a lot of yelling.  David would yell at me to drive, so I would start to drive, then he would scream for me to stop, as Matilda was refusing to move and the rope was choking her.  This went on for many, many minutes.

At one point David yells that Matilda is about to die.  So we all get out of the truck and look.  She has gotten the rope very tight around her neck and David cannot even get his fingers under it to loosen it.

He tells the kids to run home and get the halter.  The halter was what we should have used in the first place, as the halter would have prevented the choking.  They take the four wheeler and come back with a rope and not a halter.  Which was so not helpful at that moment.

David and I both strongly feel like Matilda is about to die.  It was such a horrible feeling because we could not do anything.  David tells Hadley to quickly take the fourwheeler and run to the house and grab his butchering knives so he can try to cut the rope off of her.  I decided to help and text Kate and tell her to grab the knives for Hadley.  I fail to specify which knives.

When Hadley ran into the house, Kate was standing there, armed with two butter knives.

Hadley:  What are you doing?!

Kate:  Mom, said you needed knives!?

Hadley grabbed the murderous knives and drove back to the scene.  David was able to finally cut the rope off of Matilda, but she would not get up.

We were sure we killed her.

Finally, David kind of kicked her a couple of times, and she got up, breathing murderous threats towards us once again.

I do not remember what we did differently, friends, but we rigged her up better this time and were able to pull her behind the truck without choking her.  I called the house and told Kate to go open the big gate and we drove the truck right into the pen and delivered her safely home so she could continue her happy life with Houdini all while hating us and Tiny Tim.

The next morning, I texted all of our neighbors to apologize for the disturbance the night before and no one had heard a thing.

?

It was a very intense night.  Anyways, I felt badly for Farmer Friend whose bull strangled himself, as it almost happened to us one night.

***

We have accepted an offer on our house, so that is exciting.  Hopefully it will be a quick and easy closing.

Happy Tuesday!