The Lumberjack's Wife

We went camping this past weekend.  If anyone has read this blog for awhile, you might be recalling that we go camping once each year in April.  This is for to celebrate my dad’s birthday.

Would you like to know what my dad wanted for his birthday?

A Disc Man.

You might ask, “Taylor!  Didn’t you once do a post about your dad and his 2 song iPod?”

Yes.  Yes, I did.

Many moons ago, my dad received an iPod for his Christmas.

Why?  We cannot be certain.

It sat on his nightstand for about four months, unopened.  For his birthday in April, he asked for iTunes gift cards.  He got about $100 worth and there they sat by the unopened iPod for a time.

One day, David and I were over at his house and Dad asked if we could help him figure out “that darn I-whatever.”

So, we get everything all set up and he selects two songs that tickle his fancy.

Dad:  Ok, that’s good.

Me:  Dad.  You have two songs.

Dad:  I know.  That sounds good for now.

Me:  Dad.  You have like $98 left in your account.

Dad:  I’ll buy more later.

So, there he went to mow the lawn, donning the headphones of his Two-Song-iPod.

And every time we tease him about the 2-song-iPod, he likes to set the record straight and inform us that he has, and I quote,

“Well over 100 songs on there now.”

Because that is a lot.  As you are all aware.

Anyways.  I asked my mom what Pa would like for his birthday this year and she said a Disc Man.  So, I bought him the Disc Man, even though the man has in his possession the more convenient, more expensive, more desirable, iPod.

My parents.  Ever the mysteries.

And do we think he will use said Disc Man?

No.  No, we do not.

Back to the camping trip.   I was in charge of lunch and needed to wrap some potatoes in foil.  My mom saw me with my potatoes and foil.

Mom:  Taylor!  We have those foil wrappers, you know.

Attention:  Foil wrappers are simply sheets of already ripped out foil.  It is all just foil.

Me:  Ok.  Well, I don’t mind using my foil.

Mom:  No!  Let me get you the wrappers!  That’s what they are for!  Potatoes!

Me:  It is not a big deal to just rip out some foil, Mom.

Mom:  Oh, but they are so handy!  And a good deal because you can get them at the dollar store!

Me:  Mom.  I am fine.

Now, dear readers.  David and I had just arrived at the camping, so he was setting up our trailer and I was going to use my parents’ trailer oven.

Me:  Dad, can I put these potatoes in your oven?

Dad:  Sure!

I start to rip foil out.

Dad:  Wait!  I have the foil wrappers!  Use them!

Me:  Dad, I am fine.  I brought foil and I can use it.

Dad:  No, use these.

So, he makes me use the foil wrappers.  Because, apparently, foil wrappers are deeply important to my parents now.  But the best part of all?  The best part was that the foil wrappers were extremely large compared to my small-ish red potatoes.

So we still had to rip the wrappers in half.  Does anyone else see the insanity of it all?

Anyone?

Hello?

So, as we are ripping the foil wrappers, and not my inferior, tube-like foil, my mom walks in.

Mom:  Oh, good!  You are using the wrappers!

***

Camping was fun, but I got sick.  And I am still sick.  And being sick and the adult and the mom and the teacher is not fun.  I would not recommend it.

But I am drinking Fresca that my husband so graciously drove and retrieved for me last night.  He is such a nice boy.  So that makes things a little bit better.

So.  I’m gonna go feed the rascals lunch.  But I am probably going to need you all to weigh in on this hot topic:

Foil Wrappers:  What’s your stance?

My stance is foil is foil and who cares?

But maybe my parents are on to something?

Please Advise.

For Christmas, Alex and Holly gave us a gift certificate to a nearby resort with an indoor water park, and we finally used it towards a mini-vacation this past weekend.

We stayed one night at the resort and were able to spend two days at the water park.  I was a good girl and remembered to take some photos to commemorate the event.

The kids.

They had a blast.  Which was to be expected.

Handsome Dude was uber proud of himself for being able to cross “The Monkey Bars.”  I think this was because he was terrified to do anything else, so the fact that he did this dangerous activity made him feel manly.

Little Dude went down the same slide over and over again for about 45 minutes.  I know because I was the one in charge of him for that time.  And it was really exciting watching him come down the slide.

Every. Single. Time.

We didn’t see much of the girls.  They are old and mature and can handle all sorts of water parkish activities on their own.  I did however snap a photo of each of them trying the body boarding activity out.

Sweet Pea

Daisy Mae

Our hotel room was nice and big.  It included a full kitchen and a washer and dryer!  These are the things that excite adults.  The kids were ecstatic because it had THREE TVs.

At one point we were being extremely slothful and watching “Bee Movie” on the TV.  At home, we have DVR and watch most of our TV off of that.  This means we can fast forward commercials.

The boys do not understand that not all TVs have DVR.  You can imagine the wrath bestowed upon us every time “Bee Movie” took a commercial break.

“Skip it, Mom!  SKIP it!”

No.  Our kids aren’t spoiled.  Why do you ask?

Back to the pictures.

The boys eating breakfast in our fancy hotel room.

The kids when we went out to dinner.

David and I at dinner.

Now, I know what you are going to say.

“Why isn’t David smiling?”

But, I would like to submit that perhaps he is smiling.  Allow me to elaborate.

Let us examine this photo of David from about a year ago.

No.  He is not smiling.

But look again at the picture from this weekend.

 The corners of his mouth are definitely yearningto smile.  I call it progress.  Perhaps in another year, he will have graduated to a “faint smile.”

Baby steps, people.  Baby steps.

***

We had a grand time and it was fun to take a break from pigs, chickens, rabbits, homeschooling, and general hillbilly-redneck-life.

Happy Monday!

My husband has been doing some truck “remodeling” as of late.  He took off the original bed of the truck and replaced it with a flat bed.

I know.  I don’t really understand what I am talking about either.  But that is not that point!  The point is this:  he needed to get rid of ye olde truck bed.

Ye olde truck bed has problems.

1)  David is hard on a truck.

We have had this thing for 9 years and it has been with us through many a camping trip and wood cutting excursion.  Plus, it helped us load all the lumber and trash from when we remodeled our old house.

The point?  The point is this.  The truck bed was dinged up.

2)  The tail-gate no longer works and will randomly fall down.  Sometimes, this is not a big deal.  Other times, it can be problematic.

3)  David enjoys stressing Teller out.  I told him that I shall never be able to do errands in the truck from here on out.  Because, guess what?  If I ever have to get anything, I need to use something called a “tie-down.”

It is just all too much for me.  So,  I quit the truck. The end.

But now we need to dispose of said truck bed.  Sure, we could just go chuck it in a dumpster, but who has the time?  Or the muscles?

So had ourselves an idea.  We said to ourselves:

“Let us put it on Craigslist!  For Free!”

Within minutes, David’s phone starts to ring.  Like a lot.  Which begs the question, how many dollars could we have gotten for this apparently very desirable truck bed?

One can only wonder.

Apparently, when you put an ad on The Craigslist for a FREE truck bed, the crazies come out of the woodwork.  So, without further ado, I shall present to you:

A Sampling of David’s Convos with The Crazies.

(Convos is short for conversations.  Please, keep up.)

Convo Numero Uno

Crazy #1:  Yeah.  Just how beat up is this bed?

David:  Well, I was pretty hard on it so the sides aren’t flat . . .

Crazy #1:  Will you hold it for me?

David:  Nope.  First come, first served.

Crazy #1:  Alright.  I can come around mid afternoon.

David:  No one will be home.  You can just grab it.

(Interjection-I find this creepy.  Thoughts?)

Convo Numero Dos

Crazy #2- Hey, do you still have your truck bed?

David:  Yup.  Someone might come and look at it tomorrow though.

Crazy #2:- Man, I really want it.  Will you hold it for me?

David:  Nope.

Crazy #2-  That’s cool.  Ok, well I got court in the morning, but I will call you when I get out, cool?

David:  Sounds good.

(COURT!  Hmmm . . . )

Convo Numero Tres

Crazy #3:  Hey!  I really need this truck bed!  Still got it?

David:  Yup.

Crazy #3:  Yeah, well I had a bed that I used for a trailer, but it was parked next to my lean-to and the snow fell off the lean-to and it smashed my trailer.  So I need a new one.

(Interjection:  It’s ok.  I don’t really know what a lean-to is, either.  But David seems to know.  He’s smart in the ways of the hillbilly.)

David:  Alright.

Crazy #3:  You live pretty far!  Can you meet me halfway?

David:  No.

Crazy #3:  Alright.  I really need this.  I am gonna call around and see if someone will give me gas money.  I’ll call you back.

David:  Ok.

Convo Numero Quattro

Crazy #4:  Hey!  Are you the guy with the free truck bed?

David:  Yup.

Crazy #4:  What did you do?  Take it off and put a flat bed on there?

David:  Yup.

Crazy #4:  Sweet, man.

David:  Yup.

Crazy #4:  My name is Ozzy.  Do you know me?

David:  Uh . . . nope.

Crazy #4:  Alright.  Cool, man!  Talk to you later!

***

Question.  What was the point of Ozzy’s phone call?  And why should we know him? Inquiring minds want to know.

So, there you have it.  Put something for free on Craigslist and you can become Mr. Popular in an instant!

That is all.

I had a profound realization yesterday as I was driving my brood to swim lessons.

My kids are goobers.

Allow me to prove my theory, if I may.  The boys have this CD of silly songs and asked to bring it along for the ride.  I, being the stellar mother that I am, agreed.

While we are en route, the song “One Bottle of Pop” comes on.  Have you heard this song?

It makes no sense.

It talks about bottles of pop.  Then it warns the listener to not throw junk in the singer’s backyard.  Next, the song informs that the singer’s backyard is full.  Finally, it concludes with singing about fish and chips and vinegar and pepper and salt.

What the what?

Anyways.  At one point I look in my rear view mirror and the four kids are in all their glory singing along with their heads bobbing from left to right in perfect time.

And just when they could not get any cooler, the children organized themselves into a round.  The third row children started it off and the second row children came in a bit after.

Just a normal Tuesday morning at 9:30.

Go Homeschool!

After swim, we came home and had to actually do  schoolwork.  Daisy Mae always looks at me like I am an evil dictator when I inform her that, yes, we do have to do school today.

We are finishing up our third year of homeschool.  You would think she would catch on by now.

The girls have work they can do on their own while I work with Sir Handsome Dude.  This may surprise you, but Handsome Dude is not the easy-going type.  If he gets interrupted, he lets his fury be known.

Also, sometimes when he is trying to say the “th” sound, he spits all over me.  And that has nothing to do with anything, but I wanted you to all feel badly for me.

Thank you.

Anyways.  I am working with Handsome Dude and I see Daisy Mae being all dramatic over her math.  She does not understand one problem and she is choosing to just sit and stare at the book in utter bewilderment.  I cannot help her right at the moment, or else Handsome Dude will explode.

I have begged, nay pleaded, with my girls to just skip a problem they need help with and go back to it later.

This is a concept that they cannot seem to grasp.

Finally, I ask Daisy Mae what the problem is.  And would you like to know the problem?  The problem that has kept her from doing her schoolwork for the past five minutes?

Daisy Mae:  Mom!  Every time I put this chap stick on, my head hurts!

Me:  Then don’t put it on.

Daisy Mae:  Ok.

And she went back to her work.

?

Why did she need my expertise for that?

Go Homeschool!

***

Meanwhile, back at the ranch . . .

I would like to title this picture:

A Man and His Wood Shed.

 Mr.  Wood Shed and I have a D-A-T-E tonight.

Holla!

Happy Wednesday.

A Monday Morning List.

1)  Apparently there is a National Siblings Day.  Did you know this?  I did not.  Sister Meagan, who is apparently uber on top of these sorts of things, posted the following picture as a tribute to myself.  Lest there be any confusion, Sister Meagan is, in fact, my sister.  I know I have shared this gem of a photo before, but it is so epic that is deserves to be posted again.

So much to say.  So little time.

I will just leave you with a few words to ponder while feasting your eyes on the glamor shot of circa 1995.

Bangs.  Blush.  Shiny Tarps.  Blush.  Earrings.  Hair.  Blush.  Background.  Blush.

And why, pray tell, does my mother get a necklace and Sister Meagan and I do not?

Things to ponder.

2)  Yesterday was my Pa’s birthday.  Y’all remember my dad, don’t you?

Sure you do.

April 14th is the day of his birth and he has always been proud of this day, seeing as how it was also the day Lincoln was assassinated, as well as the day the Titanic sunk.  Apparently he feels the need to liken his special day to that of a historical tragedy.  As most people do.

3)  Speaking of the Titanic, let’s take a looksie at this photo from the past and remind ourselves while Taylor has not started her own cake decorating business.

Fear not!

I shall let you in on the secrets of making this stellar cake.

Step #1- Panic when your children tell you they want you to make a Titanic cake for their PopPop’s birthday.

Step #2-  Feel extremely inadequate when these are the sorts of Titanic cake pictures you see on a Google search.

(image source)

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Step #3- Give up.  Go to the dollar store and buy a plastic boat.  Ask your husband to cut it at an angle.  Bake a cake.  Stick aforementioned sliced boat atop.

Bam!

Titanic cake for the win.

4)  David has been working hard on the wood shed.  He feels like it is taking For-Ev-Er.  However, I, as always, am impressed with his handiwork and am amazed that he can accomplish such things when he only has an hour or two at a time to do so.

The following picture is a great example of why I fear for David’s life on a daily basis.

What if he falls through them rafters up there?  I  shudder at the thought.

So, he was a busy bee and the sides are all on.  I am no builder person, but my guess would be the last step is the roof.  And maybe it is done after that?

I truly have no idea.

5)  And lastly, but not leastly, I have been meaning to tell you this story for a few months now.

A long time ago, the kids and I were listening to the radio when a song called “Call me, Maybe” came on.

Have you heard of this song?

Wow.

Anyways.  As we were listening to it, I was laughing and told my girls to please not be like the girl in the song.  Because, really.

Really.

“Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad.  I missed you so bad.  I missed you so, so bad.”

What does that even mean?

Anyways, so we were singing along and sort of making fun.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks later.  The kids and I were in the Walmarts around 9 am to kill time before co op.

It is a school day, mind you, so I am probably drawing great attention to myself and my brood.

Or not.  I am not sure the people of Walmart care.

But anyways.  The song, “Call Me, Maybe,” comes on.  And Little Dude, my 4 year old, begins to sing/shout it.

In Walmart.  On a Monday.  At 9am.

I tell him to hush and he shouts,

“But, Mo-om!  Its your song!  They are playing your FAVORITE song!”

It was grand.

That is all.  Happy Monday Morning to you.

We went on a little vacay this weekend.  The entire Maliblahblah side was meeting Alex for a visit at a hot springs.

Remember Alex?

Alex is David’s older, younger brother.  And the brothers like to wear matchy-matchy Carhartt gear and traipse around the in the great outdoors.  As brothers do.

Anywho.

Since we were meeting Alex and all, David decided he needed to bring with him an old bumper from his truck to give to Alex.

Hark!  This news is joyous, for you see, dear readers, said bumper has been a lawn “ornament” for about six years now.  Maybe more.  I might be in denial.

So, I broke out all my muscles and helped David load the bumper atop the minivan.

Yes.  We have a truck.  Why do you ask?

Anyways.  We drove a good three hours looking not-ridiculous.  At one point near the end of our travels we caught up to Jason and Amy on the road as we were all en route to our relaxation destination.

Remember Jason?

Jason is David’s younger, younger brother.

Apparently driving a minivan for many hours makes David a bit feisty.  So, he decided he needed to try and pass Jason.

Was it to be the “winner?”

Was it to tease Jason?

Was it to stress out Taylor?

Was it to prove to the world that even though he drives a minivan, he is still super manly and can pass Jason’s 4-wheel drive rig, all while hauling a bumper?

We cannot be certain.

So David passes Jason.  And, because he is hilarious, he remains in the passing lane for longer than necessary.  Probably to make funny faces at Jason or something, I don’t know.  I have been married to the guy for almost thirteen years and I still can’t figure him out.

As luck would have it, David’s parents, Paul and Jackie, are just ahead of Jason.

Remember.  We are all going to the same place.  Please try to keep up.

At this point, Paul has no idea that David is behind him, but he does know some guy in a minivan hauling a bumper is desperately trying to get his attention.

David pulls up behind Paul and begins to flash his lights.  Paul pulls off the road and David passes him, laughing all the way.

Why is he so happy?  Well, if I were to venture a guess it would be because he is now the “winner.”  David is a bit competitive.  And now his sweet minivan is leading all family members in the “race.”

But what do I know?

This entire time David has been up to his Tom Foolery, he has been laughing.

Now.  You all know David.  You might find it hard to believe that he smiles, let alone laughs.

It’s true.  He does.

And he laughed so hard and his own awesomeness that he made his cheeks hurt.

I laugh often.  I don’t think I have ever made my cheeks hurt from laughing.

Maybe he just needs to practice more.

So, we arrived and gave Alex the gift of the bumper.  He was thrilled, as most people would be.

Why does he need it?

I don’t know.  He is probably going to weld it into something awesome and whatnot.

Yes.  Alex is a welder.  What did you think he was?   A barista?

We had a lovely little getaway and now we are back to the real world.  Spring break is over and I must return to the task of shaping the minds of my brilliant, young children.

I shall have this day for mourning.

Oh, spring break.  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

1)  Just say no to the Homeschooling.  Can I get an amen?  I mean, sure.  Homeschool is a blessing and a treat and wonderful and joyous and yada yada yada and blah blah blah.

But taking a break from homeschool?  Heaven.

2)  Since I am not shaping the minds of my young pupils, I have a bit of extra time on my hands.

Say what?  Extra time?

It’s true.  I do.

And it is during this time that I have noticed just how much work there is to be done on my house.  So many rooms left to paint!  So many rooms to . . . decorate.  I am overwhelmed.

I did not paint.  But I did make a sign.

Which brings us to numero tres.

3)  The sign.

Every chicken coop needs a sign, right?

Right.

It’s zazzy.

My sister-in-law Amy came over and we got ‘er done.  And I am pretty sure Amy did most of the work, seeing as how I was preparing dinner.  So, I am thinking I tricked Amy into coming to visit me in the boonies AND making me a sign.

I win!

I have another board for the sign that I was going to hang that said, “NO VACANCIES.”  This was meant to be humorous, seeing as how my husband seems to feel like there is no limit to the amount of hens he can cram in our humble coop.  But my husband failed to see the humor in my “No Vacancies” sign and actually thought it said, “No Vaccines.”

He lives a confused life.

So.  Should I keep the sign as it is, or add the “No Vacancies” panel?

Please Advise.

4)  I am eating Red Vines with reckless abandon.  Seriously.  Shoving them into my mouth.  Before dinner even.

Spring Break!

5)  Not only did Amy come visit me, but my neighbor came yesterday for a visit.

Yes.  I have neighbors.

She brought her cute baby and I felt uber old. I am like 9 years her senior.

Today, my friend Melissa K came over and brought a delicious dessert.  I can’t stop thinking about said dessert and was even hoping to eat Little Dude’s crumbs, but one of the girls beat me to it.

And, no.  I am not above eating my kids’ leftovers.  Hence my pudge.

And tomorrow, my friend Shelly is coming over.  Seriously, my driveway has never seen such excitement!

6)  Pigs.

They keep getting loose!  They must be feeling frisky this spring break as well.

Oh, well.  What can you do?

Butcher them, I guess.

7)  We have been working hard on the new woodshed.  Here is a photo of Little Dude “helping” his pa with the digging.

Our woodshed is just about done.

8)  I lied.  It is not even close to being done.

9)  We have had lovely weather this week.  I have made the kids play outside for hours on end.  It is heavenly.  The weather has been in the 60’s and the kids act like its Africa hot.  They think it is cruel that I force them to wear things like shirts.

I know.  I’m mean.

10)  When Amy was over for dinner, Handsome Dude asked me how babies were made.  Which wasn’t awkward at all.

I did what any decent mother would do.  I told him to eat his dinner.

So there you have it.  A summary of our spring break.

No school.

Nekked kids running wild.  With pigs.

Children pondering the facts of life.

Chicken coops getting all zazzed up.

The End.

Handsome Dude is learning how to count tally marks.

I’m so proud!  My boy!  He can be taught!

Anyways.  He has some trouble with switching from counting by 5’s to counting by 1’s.  Allow me to elaborate, if I may.

Let’s say the boy is counting t0 16 in tally marks.  There would of course be 3 groups of five and then one single line.  Right?

Right.

So, he says, “5, 10, 15 . . . 20.”

Me:  No, that is not a 5.  That is a 1.

HD:  Ummm . . . .

Me:  What is one plus 15?

HD (looking quite stressed):  Ummm . . .

Me:  What comes after 15?

HD (whimpering):  Ummm . . . .did you ask me what comes after “sebben”?  (seven)  Because I know that one!  Ask me what comes after sebben!

Me:  No.  What comes after 15?

HD:  I know what comes after SEBBEN!  Not fifteen! SEBBEN!

Kindergarten.  Stressful.

I have three exciting announcements and since I am supposed to be starting the children’s history lessons, we must get through this blog entry post haste.

1)  Handsome Dude turned six last Saturday.

Six!?  My baby.

2) Daisy Mae turned nine on Sunday.

Where has the time gone?  I ask you?  I seriously need a pause button.

3)  On Friday night, Daisy Mae was baptized at our church.

We are very proud of her.  She asked to be baptized for her birthday.

We had a very busy weekend!

***

David and I are building a woodshed.  Which means, of course, that David is building a woodshed.  The ground where we are building it is not level, so we are having to dig.

Like with shovels.  Aren’t we manly?!

You might ask, “Taylor!  Doesn’t David have a bulldozer?  Wouldn’t that be the smarter choice in dirt removal?”

And you would be right.  Except, and you had better sit down for this, the dozer is not working.  I think the dozer has worked for about 42 minutes since we bought it.

Wise investment, it was.

So, we dig every night when David gets home from work.  I am certainly a great help and get about one shovelful of dirt into the wheelbarrow for every ten David does.

And you know what he said?

“I appreciate your help.”

He is looney.  I am not helping.  I am just there to keep him company.  It all evens out because for every 1,000 words I say, he says 1.  We are good for each other.

Here is a picture from a window for I am far too lazy to actually go outside.

I would like the people to know that I have callouses on my hands now.  And I fall asleep at about 9:08 pm for the sheer exhaustion of it all.

***

In other farm and ranch news, David brought home 7 new hens-a-laying.  Does anyone remember his odd hen fettish last year when he kept bringing home scads of hens?  And is scads a word?  I vote yes!

Anyways.  Let us hope that we will not have a repeat of last year.

Also, we have baby bunnies!  They are cute.  And hoppy.

Alright!  I best start teaching my stellar pupils.

Later, dudes.