For the past few days, we have been trying to decide what to do about a Christmas tree. We usually get a tree from a grocery store for about $20, but have noticed that those trees die immediately upon arrival.
Yesterday, I called around to some local tree farms. We could go to a farm, cut our own tree, and enjoy complimentary cocoa for anywhere from $50-$130. The guy who quoted me $130 should be slapped. But we could go for the $50 trees, I guess. Plus, we could all sip cocoa, so that would be merry.
Then I saw this out my kitchen window whilst doing the dishes.
My husband. Trimming trees on our property. Because he can.
My husband is not uber festive. So this season does not excite him. He is, however, very lumberjack-y. Therefore, and henceforth, we decided to all get bundled up and just pick out a tree on our property, knowing full well that it would be a little Charlie Brown-ish.
The kids started out with high hopes.
But don’t let those smiles fool you. Soon, there will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth. It would seem our kids are lacking the endurance and patience needed for Christmas tree hunting. Except for Little Dude. He got carried most of the way and just kept loudly proclaiming:
“It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas, Daddy! Woo Hoo!”
We walked around our lands for about an hour.
The kids were exhausted. The kids legs stopped working. The kids were wee thirsty. The kids could not go on any longer. The kids were freezing. The kids were bored. The kids could use a little snack. The kids no longer care about Christmas. The kids don’t really see the need for a tree. The kids wonder why they had to move to the country?
The kids saw deer poop. The kids liked this.
Daisy Mae dropped to the ground and announced to everyone that she had died. As we all passed her, lying dead on the deer-poo covered ground, we wished her well and thanked for the few years we had together.
Handsome Dude was aghast that we would just leave his sister to die in the woods.
“Wait, Dad! Mom! I think I saw her move! She maybe not dead!”
sob*wail*sob
Handsome Dude took a stick and gave the not-so-dead Daisy Mae a fierce poke, to ensure her deadness.
Daisy Mae, who miraculously resurrected herself from the dead, jumped up and whacked Handsome Dude. And the two of them screamed and cried for all the injustice in the world, while the rest of us remained unimpressed.
Except Little Dude.
“Look, everyone! Its Christmas! Woo Hoo!”
We started to head back towards the house when Sweet Pea shouted that she had found THE tree.
David and I looked at it and knew full well that we could do no better.
So. We decided to make it our own.
We headed back to the house where I started to make the hot chocolate and David and Daisy Mae went back to chop the tree down.
David pulled the tree into the house.
And it was a smidge bigger than we recalled. But if we suck in our stomachs, we can squeeze by it and still get to the kitchen, no problem.
And we were worried that it wouldn’t be “full.”
The mammoth tree fell over no less than 8 times as David was trying to position it. I suggested we bungee cord it to the wall, and that suggestion rendered no response, so I am guessing he was just mad that he didn’t think of it first.
He got it all situated and we sat down to dinner.
And while feasted on my delicious meal, the tree came crashing down. No one even blinked or said anything. We just went back to eating.
We were numb. Numb, people.
After dinner, David made some tasty cookies. The girls and I got to work on our popcorn garland.
I think I am going to need a lot of garland for that tree.
We ran out of lights, so the tree is not decorated. But good news! The tree has not crashed down for about 12 hours!
And that was our night. It was joyful AND triumphant.
I may be a tiny bit skeptical that it was, in fact, both joyful and triumphant..
why do i find this post so funny? i can’t stop laughing! *<=o)
best christmas tree post ever! I’m sharing it with my brother in law, who’s eyes were bigger than his head and ended up with a GIANT tree…at least I thought it was giant until I saw yours. teeheehee.
I can’t believe you left Daisy Mae for dead. IT”S CHRISTMAS DANG IT!
Hilarious.
I’m not sure that I should be allowed to laugh so loud. Ah the neighbor is totally going to file a noise complaint.
Think of the hysterical laughter that this story will elicit from your children in years to come. I bet when they are 30 your children will still be telling the story of the giant falling Christmas tree! What a great memory!
That is a full tree for sure. I love your blog because you give the real story, not just the “picture perfect” moments. Love real, it is much more humorous.
My tree is about three feet tall and has come crashing down at least once a day…thanks to the three uber naughty cats we “rescued” off the street last winter….Now I wish I had your tree…they would love climbing that one!!
It’s like Christmas Vacation!!! Remember Clark trying to turn the pages and they all stick to his fingers from sap? Oh, I’m laughing dear Taylor…Absolutely. Laughing. Out. Loud.
Andi, I was thinking the exact same thing! I would just like to say when I saw the outdoor picture, I thought, oh, that’s not the one she means, it’s too big. I adore that you brought that huge tree home and made Christmas Vacation come to life. 🙂
LOL! I was thinking the EXACT same thing, I could see you unwrapping it and it opening up and stuff flying out everywhere, and then seeing you with sap/gum all over your fingers. The Maliblahblah Christmas vacation!!!
Thank you for another entertaining post, I need to stop reading them at work, people kinda notice that I am not really working.
“Little full. Lots of sap.”
Christmas Vacation 🙂
Seriously, show your kids the tree-hunting clip from Christmas Vacation and how large the tree is in their house. Wait…foul language dispersed. Screen those parts first.
HILARIOUS!
Too Funny! I just watched Christmas Vacation last night and today, this post. Thank you, you are funny and you made my day! Your family is wonderfully real and your children will look back on these memories fondly!
That’s the Griswold family Christmas tree!
We have screwed a screw into the wall, where it stays all year, and when we put up the tree, we just string a line of fishing wire and tie it to the screw. No more tipping over…
You have given me much needed laughter this morn. Here’s an idea – why not get a small sapling and plant it in a big pot to grow by the door? Each year you can bring it in. Live, fresh, free. You can take it back out to grow some more until next year. And when it gets too big you can all plant it on your land and have such fond memories. No more cost, no more dead trees. No more trying to get a tree into a stand.
Love this Idea!!
I couldn’t stop laughing. Never a dull moment in your house. I love it 🙂
Now that’s a tree!!!
I have to get a fake tree because I put my tree up in October and it would be dead before Christmas.
If we don’t hear from you for a long time we’ll know it’s because you are still stringing popcorn together.
My husband would have serious tree envy. Merry Christmas : )
I would recommend that you find yourself a tree like ours: a 4-ft., vintage aluminum tree with branches that poke into sparing, little holes, leaving big gaps. But then you wouldn’t have stories like this, and this story is a classic. For reals.
Hey. If you do a “post of the year,” like a countdown or something, I am voting for this one right here. The tree crashes and you continue to eat dinner…left for dead without sympathies, but concerned brother made sure,you know, for just in case. The time is far too late to be laughing this loudly.
“It’s too much Darling, too much!”
This is hilarious. That is one big tree. I hope you checked it for varmits. bahahaha
I’m just crackin’ up! Please tell me you are part of the “Clark Griswall” family, because you have a copycat tree from “Christmas Vacation!” Watch for squirrels!
CAS
I remember my grandpa having to string up his tree because it was so big. Not quite like yours, though. Yours is super special!
Switch to a fake tree, then you can torture your kids by having them collect pine cones, cover them with peanut butter and birdseed, spend hours stringing popcorn and berries all to decorate a tree outside of your house to watch the birds eat.
Or to cry about when a racoon or deer grabs the whole string and runs away with it. : )
Hahahahaha! Best Christmas Tree post ever. We went on a Christmas Tree hunt with some friends one time. It was much harder to find the perfect tree than I expected. However, I loved hunting for it! It was fun. It’s crazy how small trees look so small outdoors, but so rediculously huge indoors.
I’m a fake tree girl myself… spiders and pine needles and sap do not sound like fun. Which is weird, I know, being an outdoor girl through and through who loves her evergreen state with every bit of her being, but I just can’t get excited about a real tree in my house.
Also, I have a really hard time cutting down real trees. I love the idea of a potted tree to use year after year until it’s too big! I might consider that!!
I laughed so hard tears rolled and snot dripped. THAT was the funniest Christmas tree hunting story ever ever ever. You do indeed have a gift with story telling. My favorite portion of the tale was the stick poking of the non-dead sister incident. I laughed so hard, my dog came in the room to check on me.
Yes – best Christmas tree post ever – I second it!
At least your husband and 4-year old didn’t drop trou and pee in concert at an actual Christmas tree farm. You know… with people wandering around with hacksaws.
Or have your husband start whooping and hollering, not because he found the perfect tree, but because the owner’s son told him he could park behind the barn to go fishing.
Bah humbug.
Hilarious! Thank you for the laughs!
I love this post, Taylor. You guys are so good at making memories. 🙂
This is exactly the way I remember picking out a Christmas tree growing up in Montana. I could never figure out why other people had such perfect looking trees. I didn’t know until I was MUCH, MUCH older that you could actually buy Christmas trees. Since my Dad was also a lumberjacky kinda’ guy, I will share his secret with you when you find a tree that isn’t “full.” You cut either branches from the bottom, or from another tree, drill holes in the barest parts of the tree and insert new limbs. Wasn’t my Dad so clever?