The Lumberjack's Wife

1.  How do phones work?

2.  How to make a decent gravy.

3.  Why I named this blog, “The Lumberjack’s Wife.”

4.  How it can be so hard to lose a dog.

5.  How to answer all the questions the kids ask about losing Mabel.

6.  Seriously.  How do phones work?  How is it possible to speak into a little contraption thingie and a person miles upon miles away can you hear your perfectly from their own contraption?

7.  Why, pray tell, are tummy tucks not given freely to women post-child-bearing?

8.  When will Handsome Dude learn to aim?

9.  How come my Magic Eraser has removed every blunder from my budding artists, except the new pen ink on my peach walls?

10.  Not that my kids would ever write on the walls.

11.  Why are my walls peach?  All of them?

12.  Really.

All of them are peach.

Quandaries, all of them.

***

How was that post?  Cheerful?

*sigh*

“E” for Effort, right?

Baby steps to happy posts.  Baby steps.

***
Fat Tuesday?

I think I need to cease and desist Fat Tuesday. 

Why, you ask?

Well:

A)  I am terrible at it.

B)  I completely forgot to post last Tuesday.

C)  I am not a weight loss inspiration, seeing as how all I do is lose and gain the same 3-5 pounds over and over and over and over again.

D)  Sometimes, a gal who lives in the middle of nowhere and homeschools a few hooligans, and has 18 loads of laundry to do needs to beg her husband to bring home pizza and make a pan of brownies.

E)  See “D” for the reason why I am terrible at Fat Tuesday.

***

I was thinking of doing a “Questions and Answers” post soon.

So, if you have a question for me, leave one in the comments section post haste!

Happy Monday!

We said goodbye to our Mabel dog today.

We took her to the vet and discovered she had kidney failure and she was put down.

Thank you for all your kind words, we are sad, but doing good.

Has not my life seemed like a depressing country song as of late?

I am sorry I am such a bummer lately.

I’m just kind of having a hard time over here. 

One of the problems with the bunny missing yesterday was the fact that I had to drive to town for our home group/Awana night, and my husband was not going to make it home in time to leave with us.  I was so worried that I would not find the bunny before then and I didn’t want to leave it out over night.  So, my husband understood my stress and made it home before it was time to leave for town.  He got the bunny back, but we think its back legs are injured in some way.

So, that was unfortunate and sad.

Yesterday, poor Handsome Dude kept getting in trouble for his naughtiness.  The thing about Handsome Dude is he is so darned naughty, yet he is so super precious. 

It’s exhausting having to switch from being frustrated to being filled with joy over him every two seconds.

So, yesterday, he decided he was going to be “helpful.”

No good can come out of Handsome Dude being “helpful.”

Handsome Dude:  I do laundry for you, Mom.  K, Mom.  K?  K?  K?  K?  Good.

Me:  What do you mean?

Handsome Dude:  I do it, K?

Me:  Ok.

I thought he was taking his dirty pajamas to the laundry room.

I thought wrong.

He was actually going around the house and emptying every hamper of dirty clothes and dumping it on my bed.

You see, dear readers, when I do laundry, I dump the clean clothes on my bed and fold them there.

So, you see?  He found every stitch of dirty clothing and dumped it there for me.

Never mind that it was never washed.

See?

Helpful.

Don’t pretend you aren’t jealous of my peach walls.

Jealousy does not become you.

Oh, my Handsome Dude.  So naughty.  So precious.  But usually, naughty.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnddddddddd . . . . I love him.

So, here I am again.

In another “mood.”

Are you surprised?
I am sure you are not.  It is what you have come to expect from me these days.

Mabel has taken a big turn for the worst.  She is skinny and limping and not doing well and I don’t know what to do.

Last night, the girls tried to get her to come downstairs and sleep in their room, which is where she normally sleeps.  She couldn’t make it down the stairs, so they covered her up.

Precious, are they not?

It is hard to make decisions and it is hard to be the grown up.  It is hard to hear the kids crying one minute and then asking if they can get another dog the next.  It is hard to know what to do with Mabel.  It is hard to believe she might die.  It is hard to believe she’ll be gone.  It is hard to believe we have had her ten years.  It is hard to believe that much time has passed.  It is hard to know how to help her.  It is hard to see if she is hurting.  It is hard to see the truth.

It is just hard.

So.

Today I am crying.  I am going to try to teach my children some sort of academics today.

I will go crazy if I don’t.

I am going to have school in our house today and we are going to spend lots of time near the dog.

I am going to try to find a good recipe for potato soup and wait for my husband to come home so we can make some decisions.

Who can think of food at a time like this?

Apparently, I can!

Good-off-topic-news:  I was wrong!  I only gained about 1 1/2 pounds, not 4!

Therefore, I can have ice cream tonight.

Right?

Oh.  Goodness.

Anyways, I am sorry all my posts are downers and I will try to be chipper soon.

And thank you all for the kind comments yesterday about my fit.  It cheered me up to read all your kind, funny words and I want to thank you for taking the time to show me you cared.  It was greatly appreciated.

Have a good day, dudes.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Mayday!  Mayday!

I am drowning, I repeat, I am drowning over here.

Iamkindofhavingasuperbadday.

Allow me to share with you, if I may.

The day started off promising.  I got up early, was ready to go by about 830 for school.  I even curled my hair differently and both girls noticed, as well as complimented me on my fantastic locks.  Dishes were done.  Beds were made.  The house was even pretend clean.

You may ask, “Taylor!  What is pretend clean?”

Well, dear readers.   Pretend clean is when you just clean the areas that people might see if they were to stop by for the dreaded “pop-in.”  You know . . . hide all your clutter inside closets and cupboards and call it good? 

Pretend Clean.

Lest any of you are confused, I never get the dreaded “pop-in” anymore, for I live too far away from other humans.

Nevertheless!  I am ready just in case.

But by 9am, the whole universe collapsed.

As I was changing, yet another, inferior diaper of Little Dude’s, Daisy Mae started screaming,
“My bunny!  My bunny!  Somebody let my bunny out!”

Well.

Turns out that while I was in the shower, Handsome Dude had gone outside and opened all car doors, as well as the cage to Daisy Mae’s bunny.

Helpful.

Let us first freak out that the  3-year-old son leaves the house without his mother knowing.

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Let us now freak out that the 3-year-old opens car doors by himself.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

And, not to be forgotten, let us freak out that the son let out a bunny.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Finally, let us freak out that my hair completely fell flat and looks terrible.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH+Boo!

So, instead of learning about all sorts of excellent things, we have been trying to capture a bunny.

And if I have learned one thing about bunnies since moving out to this foreign land, it is this:

BUNNIES ARE QUICK!

How on earth does a clueless gal like me capture one?

Not very well, apparently, seeing as how the bunny is still on the loose amidst our rolling hills.

I gotta be honest.  That bunny is starting to tick me off.

It is now 1:30pm.

Here is what I have accomplished:

1) I cried.

2)  I texted my husband and told him I hate everything.

3)  I thought about exercising sometime in the next 1-20 days.

4)  Decided chasing a stupid bunny around was good enough.

5)  I taught math.

6)  I texted my husband and told him I was sorry I was so mean.

7)  I cried.

8)  I got frustrated with Daisy Mae whilst she wrote that the number that comes after 11, is most assuredly, 20.  And when I told her that was wrong, she wrote 10.

9)  I watched the other bunny, who is still in captivity, pee on top of the fugitve bunny while fugitive bunny was hiding under captive bunny’s hutch.

10)  I bemoaned the fact that I have gained 4 pounds since this starting this homeschooling adventure.

11)  I threw lettuce all over the yard in hopes of trapping captive bunny. Fail.

12)  Maybe I should have eaten the aforementioned lettuce for lunch instead of the leftover mashed potatoes.

13)  I stole captive bunny’s salt lick and set up a trap for fugitve bunny.  Fail.

14)  I tried to capture fugitve bunny with a hamper.  Fail.

15)  Mabel, our sickly dog, has developed a limp.

It is 1:30.

I am still 4 pounds heavier than I was a month ago, I have bad hair, I have splotchy-crying eyes, there is still a bunny on the loose, my husband can’t come help me, I live in the middle of nowhere, and I still need to teach my children one full school day.

Minus math.

Except for Daisy Mae.

She needs more math.

Thank you for allowing me to throw a fit.

Goodbye.

PS-I seriously need to catch this bunny.  Any tips?  Tricks?  Ideas?  People willing to drive here and fix all my problems?

Please Advise.

(That was for you, Bimlissa)

If you have read this blog for awhile, you might have picked up on the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, it is hard to carry on a conversation with Handsome Dude, our 3 year old.

But only sometimes.

Other things you may have picked up on:  I can’t take good pictures, I am fond of centering, I tend to drone on and on pointlessly, and I have no idea what I am doing.

But that is neither here nor there.

I wanted to share with you all a cognitive breakthrough we had with Handsome Dude this very weekend.

*Brace yourselves*

You might recall that we have some trouble with Handsome Dude really understanding who God is.

Sure.

He is prone to pentecostal moments every now and again.

But what did his theology really boil down to?

Here is a snippet of actual conversation between me and The Dude from earlier this summer:

Handsome dude:  Jesus and God!

Well.

That was random.

Me:  Does Jesus love you?

HD:  No.  Jesus love Cokey.

Me:  Jesus loves you too.

HD:  No.  He scary.  And mean.  Jesus naughty.

I fear I have fallen behind in teaching Handsome Dude about . . . everything.

He leads a confused life.

Me:  No.  Jesus is  not naughty.

HD:  YESSSSS!  Jesus wee naughty!

Me:  No.  He is not.

HD throws himself on the floor in a fit of fury and despair.

HD:  No!  He naughty!

***

*sigh*

Well, I have an announcement folks.

Handsome Dude finally got it right.

Allow me to illustrate this further by relaying, yet another, scintillating conversation.

Please.

Try to contain your excitement.

Handsome Dude:  Did God make trucks?

Hold onto your pants, folks!  Did my son just make a complete, coherent sentence? 
I mean, that sentence was perfect!

He even remembered the question mark at the end!  (Ha!  That was a joke.  Keep up, people!)

Lumberjack:  No, people made trucks.  Who made people?

Handsome Dude:  God!

Sweet Pea:  Does God love you?

Handsome Dude:  Yes!  And God loves mommy and God loves Cokey . . .

Lest any of you are confused, Cokey is his name for his brother

Sweet Pea:  And is God naughty?

Handsome:  No!  No he not.  He not naughty.  He not rude.  He wee nice!

***

There you have it, folks.

I would like to announce that on this, the 20th of September, in the year Two Thousand and Ten of our Lord, we have discovered that the boy can be taught.

Victory!

***

My blog is being featured over at Beth Zimmerman’s blog today!

Look at me with my big girl blogging pants on!

Thank you, Beth!

***

Alright.  I had better get off the computer and get my game face on.

Taylor’s School of Excellence commences at 9am.

Later, Dudes and Happy Monday!

Attention:  This post is a hodge-podge of nothingness.

But I am blogging nonetheless because my husband will be home late.

Again.

And it’s been a bad week.  And I need human interaction, people!

Clearly, I find it to be my duty to spread the grumpiness.

1.  I had a bad day yesterday.

2.  It was really, really, really, really bad.

3.  The answers to yesterday’s Pop Quiz were D, and all the rest true, except the last one was, of course, false.

4.  This event was the only time I smiled all day . . .

disturbing as it may be.

5.  But then I saw what their bedrooms looked like as a result of this dress-up party.  And I was no longer amused.

6.  How did I get to be so old?

7.  I watched “Gone with the Wind.”  I have seen it several times, but wanted to see it again after reading the book.  The book is much better.

8.  I ate a Dairy Queen Blizzard last night.  And I thoroughly enjoyed every calorie.

9.  It was Oreo.

10.  I want a minivan.

11.  How on earth did I get to be so old?

12.  I think Mabel is doing better. Maybe.  I don’t know.  She is weird. 

13.  I think I am going to have to expel the dudes from The School of Excellence.

14.  I have had too many life changes these past few months.  I repeat.  Too many life changes.

15.  I have considered loading up the hoodlums and going to pick up “Scarlet” from the library and getting unhealthy fast food for dinner.  But.  That will cost me at least $25 in gas and $20 in food.  So that seems wasteful.

16.  I am cooking something fabulous for dinner and writing a superb blog post instead.

17.  Ok.  #16 was a lie.  I will cook something edible for dinner and write a depressing blog post instead.

18.  The three older kids started Awanas last night.  Handsome Dude hushes us constantly, for he is doing his “Bible Study.”

19.  I told my mother, who is conveniently, his Awana’s leader, that my one hope for the year is that she can teach him that Jesus is not naughty, as my bright son currently repeats daily.

20.  Want to know who else is his Awana’s teacher?

My pa.

21.  We made a model of the Nile River today

Look at me and my bad self!

22.  Little Dude walked around holding Handsome Dude’s “Toy Story” undies today.

Why?

No one knows.

Fun Fact:  We all call Little Dude, “Cokey.”

That is not his real name.

We need to stop this.

He can’t be “Cokey-that-homeschooled-boy-that-lives-in-Ruralville” to all his peers now, can he?

And, in conclusion, I would like to leave you with this juicy photograph of yours truly from the 7th grade.

My main purpose in posting this delightul portrait is to make all of you who called me “Pirate Barbie” eat your words.

Let’s probe into this picture further, by revisiting the conversation my girls and I had today immediately upon viewing it:

Daisy Mae:  Mom!  Did you mean for your hair to look like that?

Me:  Yes.

Sweet Pea:  Oh.  It’s kind of . . . poofy.

Me:  Sure is.

Daisy Mae:  Did Grams make you do your hair like that?

Me:  No.  I liked it that way.

Daisy Mae:  Why?

Me:  Because I thought it was pretty.

Sweet Pea:  Oh.  I don’t think it is pretty.

***

The funniest part of this photo is that on the back, it is written to my youth pastor, of whom I might have had a slight crush on, and clearly was too nervous in his presence to actually hand him the photo.

Come on.

I can’t be the only gal who had a crush on her youth pastor.

Right?

Right?

Hello?

Goodbye.

Please answer the following questions.

Multiple Choice

Which of the following events occurred in my household today?

A)  I went to the bathroom and locked the door.  Daisy Mae picked the lock with a penny and came in despite my pleas to go away.

B)  The boys found a (virtually empty) gas can and attempted to fill the truck with gas whilst their mother attempted to teach math.

C)  The girls dressed the boys up like pretty, pretty princesses.

D)  All of the above.

True or False

1)  According to Daisy Mae, when you sound out the word that looks like “bumpy” it sounds eerily like “pretty.”

2)  According to Sweet Pea, panda bears are definitely not bears.  No ifs, ands, or buts.

3)  Little Dude pooped such a great poop that it went up his back.

4)  The highlight of my day is the fact that my husband came home early and will load the kids into the car when we go to town.

5)  I exercised today.

Please.

Consider your answers carefully.

Goodbye and Good Riddance.