AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, my dear readers.
That one word sums up my life right now.
Honestly, I have no time for this blogging nonsense.
Yet, it is my duty to share with you all the horrific angst my person has been through as of late.
And it is your duty to pretend to care.
#1-I figured out whose idea I stole for the Father’s Day Interview.
I’m a thief.
Who knew?!
Go say “hi” to Naomi, as she is the original mastermind behind the interview idea.
#2- For those poor confused souls who do not understand what the gun show is, allow me to shed a little light on the matter.
A person, usually of the male-gender, says something like:
“Would you like tickets to the show?”
The recipient of this comment will usually say,
“What show?”
Then the aforementioned male makes muscle arms . . .
as Little Dude is so accurately demonstrating . . .
and says something like,
“Tickets to the gun show.”
You see, dear readers, the guns in this scenario are not actual guns, but are, in fact, muscles.
Hope that clears things up.
#3-Serenity Now!
Yes.
Serenity Now came from Seinfeld and I believe it is what George’s dad said when he was angry . . . you know . . . to try to calm himself down.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5513mXmQbw4]
My life, dear readers, has been full of “Serenity Now!” moments as of late.
Allow me to elaborate.
My husband and I are idiots.
You see, we thought it would be a great and glorious idea to keep our old house and use it as a vacation rental.
We also thought it would be a superb plan to go ahead and book the house for its first rental for about 10 days after we moved to Ruralville.
But, alas!
We did not stop there.
We also were so brilliant that we decided to start the following projects at the original house in the past couple of months:
*Laundry room: Floor, sheet rock, bead board, trim, paint.
*Kitchen: Tile, under cabinet lighting.
*Rest of house: Sheet rock touch ups, paint, install electric cadet heaters (for we cannot assume all future renters will enjoy building fires)
*Outside: Build new fence. Build new porch. Paint new porch columns.
In conjunction with all of that nonsense, we have had to buy about 4.2 million dollars worth of new furniture and appliances to get both houses functioning.
And after all that 4.2 million dollars, I would like everyone to know that The Lumberjack and I do not have a dresser.
Serenity Now!
So, in honor of tomorrow, yes, tomorrow being the day the first renters come, I would like to present to you all a few of the circumstances that have been causing my dashing and dapper husband and I a tiddly-bit of stress.
1) First there was the whole washer/dryer fiasco, which I discussed a bit yesterday. Well . . . as my husband and I were moving the original washer back into the original house, we broke the knob off of the washer that selects the wash cycle.
The part won’t be in for 10 days.
Renters are coming in 1 day.
Serenity Now!
2) The dryer vent pull-out thingie mabob of the old dryer is broken and costs $40 to replace.
Serenity Now!
3) Our oven in our original house broke.
$135 repair.
Serenity Now!
4) Ruralville did not have a fridge.
Had to buy a new one.
Serenity Now!
5) Had to buy 5 mattresses/box springs in the past week.
Serenity Now!
6) Had to buy a table for the original house’s kitchen breakfast nook.
Found this bad boy at a garage sale for like $100 bucks . . .
But we just needed the table. Not the benches.
Then, at a later garage sale, we found a nice round pedestal table for $25.
So the above table/benches set was a unecessary purchase and I have to live with it as my dining room table until we can afford to live again.
Serenity Now!
7) Ruralville came with these window coverings . . .
and the kids won’t stop messing with them.
Serenity Now!
8) It takes 45 minutes to drive each way from Ruralville to Original House.
This does not agree with our gas budget.
Serenity Now!
9) My new dryer has this on the inside:
That don’t look safe.
Serenity Now!
10) I bought a new down comforter for the Original house and my Lumberjack threw it in the dryer without reading the tag.
First of all, let’s be super thankful that he likes to help out.
Nevertheless!
The comforter became all funked out and I am trying to save it by rewashing it and drying it with the tennis balls, as the tag so helpfully instructed . . .
yet it still smells . . . odd.
Serenity Now!
11) My husband bought an older Honda Accord to save on gas when our whole family is not driving.
Yesterday.
Yesterday I decide to go into town and I know my husband will be pleased with me if I switch car seats to the Honda instead of using our diesel-thirsty Excursion.
I get everyone loaded.
I get the car loaded with stuff to take to Original House.
And the new key I had recently made won’t work.
My husband has the original at work with him.
So, I had to switch everyone back into the Excursion, along with all the items I had placed in the trunk.
And it was POURING rain.
I would like to remind everyone that Lumberjill is not waterproof and she looked like a drowned cat for the rest of the day.
Serenity Now!
12) All three things in this picture are broken and need my husband’s attention.
For I am an idiot and need him for my life’s existence.
Serenity Now!
13) My husband’s work cell phone does not work at our house.
So we had to add him onto my plan and get him a new phone.
After my grandma’s funeral we were at my parent’s house, where no less than 40 people were gathered.
Little Dude throws up.
On my mama’s couch.
In my mama’s bathroom.
All over The Lumberjack’s clothes.
I offer to throw his clothes in the wash while my mother finds him some clothes of my dad.
I washed his cell phone.
Win!
Serenity Now!
And finally . . .
14) My mother bought me this VHS at a garage sale:
We have two, yes, two VHS players in our house.
Neither are working.
And I must watch this movie.
Soon.
Serenity Now!
Alright.
If you don’t hear from me for a while, just assume I have gone insane.
Thank you.
Don't be hate-in.
Oh my dear heavens me.
I have completely neglected my Comment of the Week (COW) portion of my blog.
My lameness, I am sure, has resulted in devastation, as well as bewilderment in your worlds.
I mean . . . what is life without the COW?
Am I right or am I right?
I am sure you were utter-ly disappointed.
ha! Dang it that was funny.
Ok.
So this week’s goes to Jill on my post “The post in which I drone on and on pointlessly“:
“I’m very impressed with your rig–and slightly jealous. I drive a 12-passenger Diesel van. People stare at me when I drive by. I can’t park it very well. On the plus side, I have run over things with it and never hurt the vehicle. I can’t say as much for the things I ran over. I almost ran over a Prius this morning. I think my diesel presence offended the driver more than the fact that he almost met his maker. Or not.”
Jill! We drive diesel rigs together!
Do you live in constant fear that you will forget your rig is diesel and will one day fill it with regular gasoline, causing your main man to hate you forever?
I sure do.
*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*
Since I am sure you are all jealous of my diesel rig, I thought I would show you something else to make you jealous of me.
Don’t be hate-in.
Or is it hatin’. Or hatein?
Moving on.
Would you like a lovely washer and dryer set complete with pedestals for your home?
Here’s how you do it:
1) Buy a new house.
2) Don’t sell your old house and keep it for a vacation rental! (this is key)
3) Have your husband break out all his muscles and move your current washer and dryer to your new house.
4) Applaud after he invites you to the gun show.
5) Since you are keeping your old house as a vacation rental, you now need another set. Scour Craigslist for days on end for something . . . anything . . . that will work as a washer and dryer for your old house.
6) Become discouraged and dismayed when nothing cheap, clean, cute, and matching pops up.
7) Stand by quietly while husband informs you that there is a set of High Efficiency machines with all the bells and whistles, as well as pedestals and a shoe drying rack in a lovely navy blue color.
8) Agree that it is the only option. Shake your head in financial dismay while inside your heart is bursting with laundry-like joy.
9) Help your husband load your old washer and dryer back into the truck.
Pray you won’t get a divorce after this stressful situation.
10) Fact: Lumberjill will never be inviting anyone to any gun shows.
Are you confused? Do you know what the gun show is? I am going to need a “10-4 Good Buddy” from anyone who gets the gun show jokes.
Over and out.
11) Assist husband in moving old washer and dryer back to old house.
Again.
Pray for marital peace and serenity.
Serenity Now!
(Name that TV Show)
12) Assist husband in breaking the knob off of old washer.
*sigh*
13) Allow husband to break out all his muscles again to set up your new fancy machines. Thank your lucky stars that his brother,Alex, and brother-in-law, Jack, are there this time to help.
I’ll tell you one thing that ain’t two things . . .
I sure like them.
Is it not sad that I am at a point in my life where things like washers and dryers excite me?
*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*
Here are a few shots from Little Dude’s Birthday!
Precious.
Simply precious.
Attention Little Dude: Regarding growing up . . . please cease and desist.
Reason #487 why I am a superb mother:
I had no time to bake a cake.
That there is a pan of brownies with strawberries and cool whip hastily thrown on top.
Reason #488 why I am a superb mother:
I forgot candles.
The Lumberjack stuck stick matches in the cake and lit them.
*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*
And now, dear readers, a lesson in “Deer-ness” by Lumberjill.
In yesterday’s post, I mentioned how I did not know if this deer:
was a boy or a girl.
Here are the facts that I know of about deer:
1) That deer is young. Too young to yet have antlers. I think.
2) I think most male deers lose their antlers every year and grow new ones.
3) Sometimes they get something called “velvet” growing on their antlers.
4) Babies have spots. Don’t shoot spotted deer! It ain’t cool!
5) The does all just recently had fawns. Therefore, that was probably a male since no baby was with it.
6) There are two types of deer round-here-these-parts: white-tail and mule. Those are white-tail.
I do believe.
7) Lumberjacks get uber excited if they see deer with large antlers, particularly in the hunting season times, and most especially while holding a firearm.
So, there you have it.
Deer information.
I just done my Lumberjack proud.
*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*
Would you like to know what the worst sound in the world is?
Hearing your dog throw up at 5:30 in the morning right next to the baby monitor.
That, my friends, is the worst sound.
Ever.
I dare, nay, I double-dog-dare you to come up with a more horrific sound than that.
Happy Monday!