The Lumberjack's Wife

Hazel has not been offered a bottle for six entire days.

I fear she is not accepting her new life situation.  She follows me around and knocks into my legs hoping a bottle will magically appear.

Farmer Peoples:  How long will this phase last?

She tries for a solid ten minutes and then she gives up.  She is still my favorite, still my walking buddy, and in all honesty, looking a bit pudgy.  So don’t try and tell me I am starving her.

This has been a very strange week.

First of all, the new school I was hired for-and been training for-and just went on a trip to tour a site for-yeah, that school . . . the district just put the kibosh on it.

Like a total kibosh.  And we even had students registered.  And a great team.  And now-gone.

Meanwhile, I was recovering from a mild concussion.

Yes!  I hit my head in our trailer while camping last weekend.  I was simply trying to lay down to read a book and whack!

It was kind of bothering me, but on Monday morning when I put on my headset and started teaching I started feeling all sorts of problems and had to take a bit of time off and spend a lot of time napping.

And, yes.  I really did hit my head on the trailer wall while trying to lay down.  I am that talented.

Once, about 20 years ago, when David and I were first married, I walked into a door and had a gash on my head above my eye.  David had to take me to the ER and they pulled me in a room away from him and tried to get me to feel safe enough to tell the truth and they would help protect me from my husband.

Me:  Oh, no.  I walked into a door.

Nurses: Honey.  It’s ok.  We can help you.

Me:  Really.  I walked into a door.

Anyways.  So everything about school was all whack-a-doodle and I was struggling with head issues, but I now know I am going to land back at the brick and mortar school I was at before eSchool.  I am most likely teaching 2nd grade and I will probably get to have a couple of current eSchool first graders with me.

One of them will be “Al.”  You have heard me speak of Al, yes?  Al and I have been on a wild ride this year.  It took me a couple of months to get him to be comfortable with progress monitoring and such, but we are in a good place now, Al and I.

He started the year with 3 sight words and just met the first grade goal of 200 last week.  After that assessment, I had to check some of his phonics skills.

Al (smiling and talking really awkwardly)- It is going to be hard for me to read these because I cannot stop smiling because I just read all my sight words!

Today, the kids came for an in-person get together and Al’s mom told me she requested me and I feel good to have him again for another year, if all the stars align and things don’t get shuffled again.

One of my girls brought me a “get well soon” note because of my trailer-wall-concussion-saga.

And then one of my gals, Gretchen, brought me two presents she made me.

Present the first:

A portrait of myself and her with arrows helping the viewer identify who is who.

And here is the best teacher gift I have ever received.

Well.  I think it is tied with Joe’s angel from years ago

And I still have that angel and I will keep it forever.

Gretchen took a button that she had been given by her kinder teacher.  The button said something like Gretchen Ms Ham’s Star Student.

Gretchen tried to erase her name and make the button for me:

Aren’t I just the luckiest?

Happy Thursday

Thanks to my new obsession with getting reaquainted with the movie, “Oklahoma,”I have solved a mystery.

I do weird things and call my students names like “pumpkin pie” and “honey lamb.”  Not too long ago, I was trying to figure out where on earth I ever got “honey lamb.”  I totes got “pumpkin pie” from my mother.

Reader.  I got it from “Oklahoma!”

“Oklahoma, every night my honey lamb and I, sit alone and talk and watch a hawk making lazy circles int he sky.”

Mystery solved.  You can all rest easy.

We were able to go camping at the river for the first time this season and it was fun and enjoyable.  They were having jet boat races on the very river that we camp at.

We had many peoples join us and much fun and merriment was to be had.

Here’s Kate and David’s ma.  One of our guests made some delicious pork kabobs and kept handing out more and more meat.  Hence my mother in law holding meat.

I tried to get a video for you, but Auggie totally ruined it.

“What, Ms. Taylor?  I was trying to see if I was as fast as the jet boat!”

Auggie calls me Ms. Taylor and he calls David, Sir David and I do not know why.

Hadley’s boyfriend also came.  His name is Kason.  Kind of like Jason, but with a “K.”

Remember Jason?

Auggie challenged Kason to a wrestling match.

Kason totally won.

There is something you need to know about Kason.  He has an epic last name.  I shan’t share it with you on this here blog.  Wouldn’t be prudent.  But I will tell you all about it.

His last name rhymes with Hadley.  So if they get married she will have a super silly name.

It would be like if David’s last name was “Waylor” and I had to go through life introducing myself as

“Taylor Waylor.”

It amuses me.

My brother and family came and brought with them my precious first grade nephew.

I took Charlie on a walk and he joined me with his adorable little puppy, Frodo.

Apparently Frodo is from “Lord of the Rings” or some other such movie.  Poor Auggie.  He is all about all these kinds of movies and fantasmical worlds and Star Wars and video games and us Maliblahblahs have no idea what he is ever talking about.

We’re always like, “Neat.  Let’s go rope and castrate a calf.”

But precious first grade nephew and Auggie have many similar interests and they had a very in-depth conversation about Zelda, which is some sort of electronic type game, and discussed their mutual love of Legos, and declared themselves best friends.

Auggie:  Dude.  We are like best buds.

Newphew:  I know already!  We decided this on the last day we were here.

(He meant yesterday)

On Friday, I subbed for his class whilst teaching mine in the Zoom world and he had the nerve to miss out on math.  And we were playing “Math Game Show” and everything.

You may ask, “Taylor?  What is Math Game Show?”

Well.  It is a math game that I totally made up.  I basically make everything up while teaching and hope for the best.

ANYWAYS.  Since he missed math, I told his classmates that I would do math with him at camp and give their teacher a picture.

Nephew:  Oh, man!  Are you serious?  Ok.  Give me five problems. Just five.

Nobody seemed impressed with me for hauling this bad boy home:

So, I decided maybe you didn’t fully understand.

Do you see the large truck with the big trailer hauling new-to-David skidsteer?  I expected much more praise and fanfare.  It was really stressful for me.

I even said this sentence to David:  “Do I need to worry about load limits or anything?”

I mean.  COME ON.

Also, this is NOT a Bobcat.  I am learning so much.  Bobcat is a brand name for a skidsteer.

David informed me that this is something called a Wacker Neuson.

Me, being hilarious as ever:  Wack-her?  I hardly KNOW her.

David:  Hilarious, Teller.

Farewell, Honey Lambs!

Today, in class, we were playing Zoom hangman.

Boy:  I guess “j”

So, I write a lower case “j.”

Boy:  No!  I meant the OTHER “j.”

Me, staring at my lower case “j”:  Bud, I do not understand.

Girl:  He is talking about a “g.”

Boy:  Yup.

And we all just accepted this.

This is where we are now, Friends.  It is May the 21st.  I shall send this boy to second grade thinking there are two “J’s” and I am too tired to to care.

It is what it is.  I have fought the good fight.  And let us discuss the letter “g”, reader.

Think about it.

Say it outloud.

You hear the “j” sound.  Why do the people do this to the kids?

Same with the letter “c.”

Let’s move on.

I have had a rough couple of days being a parent.  It happens.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I decided to fall back in love with the soundtrack of the movie, “Oklahoma.”  Ok, I know why.  It is because I remembered a song.  The song “People will say we’re in love” while I was drying my hair yesterday, so I became all obsessed like and decided I loved all the songs for all the day.All the way home from church last night, I belted out Oklahoma songs while LD pretended like I was a normal human adult. And I asked him if one day he would watch Oklahoma with me.  And he said no.

When I got home, I continued to sing “With me, it’s all ‘er nothing” while I was unloading the car.  Hazel heard me, became infuritated, and started literally screaming my name at me.

So, I continued to sing while I made her a bottle and was informed by one teen that I am so annoying because I sing stupid songs to annoy him/her on purpose.

But, Reader.  I wasn’t.  It is just my goofy personality.  I would describe me as “merry.”

Anyways.  I was being dealt a whole bunch of sass and so I waved the white flag and told David to take over and then I bought “Oklahoma” for $15 on the Amazon Prime and watched it for 30 minutes and fell asleep.  But it’s ok, I am going to try again tonight.

The last time I was sass-attacked by teens, I purchased “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”  I am going to get a whole collection of my favorite feel-good movies soon.  Next:  “Music Man.”  And if anyone suggests to you to have four teens at once in your life planning, please smack them upside the head post haste.

This is why I love teaching first grade.  They like me and appreciate my “dorky” qualities.  Today, I had the kids copy a few sentences from Charlottes Web and then we did something totally un-Taylor like and did a bit of “art.”

Reader.  I am terrible at “art.”  Like, so way bad.

But I was so proud of me and I told the kids I was proud of me and I put it on my fridge.

I cannot WAIT until one of my teens declares that I put if on there to purposely annoy them.  I shall keep you abreast of the situation.

***

Just because I want my long time readers to know how far I have come in life:

I, yes, I, Taylor Maliblahblah, hauled a new skidsteer for David home to our homestead.

I.

Drove.

THAT.

Here is what I do not understand:

1.  David has been fixing his old Bobcat for years.
2. Taylor tells David to just buy a new one already.
3. David refuses and invests half of his life repairing the Bobcat.
4. David finally decided to take the Bobcat to a mechanic.
5. It will be there for two months.
6. Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.
7. Then he buys a new one.
8. ?
9. Why did he finally take a Bobcat to the mechanic and simultaneously buy a new one?
10. I have no idea.
11. But I shall keep you abreast of the situation.
12. Happy Friday.

Alright.  These past few days have been exhausting.

Let’s recap.

Kate graduated and then we had several family members in town and had a graduation party at my parents house.  My ma and pa were gracious enough to let us host a party at their house.  Their house is more centrally located and doesn’t smell like manure, so it is the ideal choice.

Party planning is NOT my forte, so this was a challenge for me.  But I was proud of me, and thankful for help from my parents, Hadley, and Auggie, and we basically nailed it.

Kate wouldn’t take any pictures without Auggie.

Auggie:  You should take one without me, in case we break up.

Me:  That’s ok.  We like you enough to remember you in pictures, even if you break up.

It is true.  I think he is a good kid.

Sister Meagan and Jess set up a projector so we could watch the Covid style graduation.

Weird, wild times, my friends.

Weird, wild times.

We had an open house style graduation and many people came to wish Kate well, and it was all very nice and kind and lovely.

We then had a get together at David’s sister’s house, since all of his family were in town.

Jason even came!

Remember Jason?

His youngest daughter is two, and she was playing with Lego Duplos on the living room floor.  Kate and Hadley’s boyfriends came and took over.  She looked at them, got up, went to her cousin’s room, found regular Legos, and played seperately from them.  And the teen boys didn’t even notice, but they were engaged for quite awhile with their Lego Duplo set.

After that celebration, I had to go home and get ready to go out of town on a work trip.

Yes!  I, Taylor Maliblahblah, went on a professional work like trip.

I rushed home and watered flowers and fed Hazel and packed and hopped on a plane with other teacher like people to go and view a school that shall inspire us for the new school we are creating for next year.

I told my students on Friday I was going to be gone on Monday so I could go and learn to be a better teacher.

My Most Naughtiest Student Who May Have Changed His Zoom Handle To Sir Poops A Lot:  You don’t need to go learn to be a better teacher!  You are already the best!

*sigh*

And . . . I love them.

When I got home, I think only David and Hazel noticed I was gone.

David was very nice and tried to keep up around the house.

David:  Taylor.  I swear I did like two loads of laundry each day, but there was ALWAYS MORE.

Me:  Welcome to my life.

Hazel is so precious and I am feeling sad about weaning her.  But it must be done.

I was feeding her and this little calf, Tillie, came up to see what was the haps.

After the bottle, Tillie followed us for a little bit and Hazel tried to bully me into getting her more food.

Tonight, David came home and all the stars were aligned and no kids were home.

My Mom:  Oh!  Please tell me you are going out to dinner!

Me:  I am helping him load calves into a trailer and I have dinner in the crockpot.

For the record, I would rather sell cows in this state than in the “ready for your table” state.

***

Inquiring minds have asked about two things, and I shall answer them now.

Someone asked:  What is a “Keeping Room?”

Reader.  I do not know.  This is my mother’s house.

This is what I do know:

1.  Mother likes the sign.
2. Father does not.
3. Father is worried it is code for a brothel or something that is distasteful in nature.
4. Mother assures him it is not.
5. Father is still concerned.
6. The sign still hangs.

Also, I had a few people inquire as to whether or not I was able to get the shady paint can money.

Of course I did!  I am a wife worth more than fine rubies!

Here’s how it went down.

I called David and told him, yet again, I needed an address and not just a picture of a paint can.  David could not tell me the address, but he knew the intersection.  I drove to the interesection and found what I believed to me the tumble down shed that housed the paint can that hid the money.

I went.  I trespassed.  I found the hidden key.  I unlocked the special door and I found the previously photographed paint can.  And I got the money intended for my husband.

I was getting in the car when the guy who owns the place, and who is paying David popped his head out the window.

Guy:  Hi, Taylor!  Did you get the money ok?

Me:  Yup!

And do I understand why I had to go through all of that rigamaroo when he was there the whole time?

No.  No, I do not.

May I tell you what is my favorite thing to do right now in this stage of life?

Visit with David on the back deck with a glass of wine, watching our cows, and talking about all the things.

I give it two thumbs up.

Happy Tuesday.

I made to age 39 and 11/12 years old.

Hairdresser Lisa found a gray hair upon my head on Thursday, May 13, 2021, in the year of our Lord.

I am convinced that when I woke up on Thursday, May 12, I had zero gray hair.  But then I had motherly stress and I grew a gray hair just in time for Haircut Lisa to find it in my hair in the afternoon.

Let’s discuss.

Me at 7am on Thursday Morning:  Kate?  What time are you walking tomorrow?

Kate:  9am.

Me:  And your cap and gown are ready to go?

Kate:  Actually, they never arrived.  Maybe I should call someone?

Me:  Yes!  You must call right away!

Kate:  Ok, fine.  Gosh.

Kate drives to work and I drive to work and then I text her and tell her this is a pretty important thing to take care of and if she needs me to, I will call and make inquiries for her.

She replies not until 12:15.

“Sorry, I don’t have time.”

Jess, of Sisters Meagan and Jess fame, reminded me that my niece was also graduating from the same college.

And, yes!  Kate is graduating with her high school degree and her two year associates degree from college.  Let the pomp and circumstance begin.

Me:  Can you borrow Ana’s cap and gown?

Kate:  Hers is blue.

Me:  So I ponder life and Jess, who probably doesn’t have gray hair, reminds me that Ana’s high school graduation gown was dark blue and Kate has probably forgotten that her cousin and her are graduating from the same college at the same time.

Me:  Kate.  Did you remember Ana is graduating at the same college as you?  Probably the same color?

Kate:  Ugh.  I will just call someone.

Which, for the record was what I wanted her to do five hours prior.

Kate then goes radio silent and I am left to stress and wonder.  I end up texting Ana and she is super gracious and willing to share her cap and gown outfit with Kate.  Their college is doing a special recorded service, due to the novel Coronovirus, so it would work out.

Kate stops texting me, because she was working, and I am trying to continue to teach and do other things all while wondering if my child is going to actually participate in her graduation ceremony on the morrow.

And then I went to see Haircut Lisa and she found a gray hair.

I kept looking and squinting and hoping it was just super blond, but no.  It is silver.  A stunning shade of silver.

Meanwhile, as I am in the very haircut chair of haircut Lisa, David calls me.

David:  Yeah.  I need you to go and get some money for me.

Me:  Ok.

And then he proceeds to give very vague, very shady directions on how I am to go to an abandoned jobsite that is under construction, find a key, open a tumble down shack and find some money under a paint can.

This was literally as I was coloring my hair for the first time in almost a year.  Yes, I am sure Haircut Lisa finds me to be normal.

Me:  I am going to need an address.

David:  Just look for a building under construction around the area.

Me:  Address.

Reader.  Would you like to know what he sent me?

No address.  But a picture of a paint can.  With the words “Under paint can.”

And THEN, I had to go and do a bunch of shopping for Kate’s graduation party, although I had no idea if she was walking, but I was feeling better knowing that she could at least use Ana’s.  And I spent many dollars and was so tired and came home and Kate’s cap and gown were on the table, and Oh, Mom, it was here all along!

For the love.

So.  She did it.

She graduated with her high school degree, her associates degree, and her CNA license.

Everyone is exhausted.

Ana graduated, too.

And all is merry and happy in the world.

So, today.  Today, Kate went to go walk and be filmed (no guests allowed).  We will watch it on the TV soon.  I was teaching and cleaning and getting ready to host company and cater a graduation party.

While I was teaching, Hadley made 72 cupcakes, so that was super helpful!

Also while I was teaching, Rio the kitty discovered a living creature in our never-once-ever-used fireplace.

The boys and I figured out how to get the little bird out, WITHOUT David, WITHOUT killing anything, and WITHOUT the bird flying all around the house.

I am old and tired.

The End.

Look at these two.

Do they look like vicious canines who would slaughter precious chicks?

Alas.  They did.  As mentioned in my last post.  We have since boarded all the chicks up again in the coop so the poor creatures cannot see the light of day.  When you open the door to offer them food and water, they scatter and take cover.  And do we blame them?

No, Reader.  We do not.  You did not see the atrocities that happened to their comrades.  But I did.  And I was kind enough to not show you photgraphic evidence.

I have been working so hard at making my coop pleasant and lovely.  And when I say that, I of course mean, the boys and David have worked hard at making a flower bed around the coop and hanging window boxes and such for me so the coop could look nice.

The poor apple tree.  It got ran over by a four wheeler.  David, who did not run it over, came into the house and informed me:

Your apple tree.  Dead.  Done.  Goner.

He was frustrated.  Sometimes he gets frustrated whilst working with the teens.  Anyways, I took some green painter’s tape and taped up the split trunk and we are pretending all is well and it is blooming so who knows?  There should be chicks pecking the ground behind there, but that is where the slaughter happened.  So they are boarded up for now.

Look!  My student, Al, and his mama gave me a “We appreciate you” flower basket.

And I hung it on my coop!  The coop with the traumatized chicks!

You may ask, “Taylor.  Did you notice the coop was splattered with mud?”

And I will say, “YUP.”

It is what it is.

Let’s talk about front doors.

While I was painting the front door, David walked by and commented:

“In and out, huh?”

And I said, “What?” and he walked away and I stared and I thought and I stared and I thought and I had absolutely no idea what on earth he was saying, so I continued with my task.

And then he hung the door and it all became clear.

I painted the outside Sea Serpent Blue.

AND the inside.

Oops.

Now what?

Nothing, that’s what.  It will stay like that for awhile.  Just like the mud on my coop.

***

Many years ago, when Teller was a young girl in driver’s ed, she had an instructor who wore Hammer pants.

Reader.  Do you know what Hammer pants are?

He was a character, and, coincidentally, he is still a driver’s ed instructor and he instructed Hadley.

Anyways.

Mr. Hammer Pants scared the living daylights out of me.  Every single class, he told us of a teen car accident death and I was sure I would never survive the open road.  One such lesson was on getting a blow out.  Mr. Hammer Pants made me feel like if one were to get a blowout, the car would come out of control and you could not steer or brake or anything and certain death was upon you.  I have never had a blowout, but I have been terrified of them all the same.

And then.

Mother’s Day.

On Mother’s Day, David announced his truck, yes the one the caught fire only a few days ago, was, once again, broken down.  So he borrowed my car with a trailer to do something important and managed to get a flat tire.

Me:  What do you do, exactly?  How do you drive?  I have never had a flat tire or a car catch fire?  What is your secret?

Anyways, he went and repaired the flat and told me it would buy us some time.

Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

Then we had to go to town.  We had plans to see his Mama and company for Mother’s Day.  We were having lunch at 1:30 and the Dudes were furious at me that they were not presented with a noonday meal around 12, which is child abuse.

David left a bit early.  He was taking his truck to a mechanic and I was to meet him there and pick him up.

David:  If it breaks down, the repair will be $15,000.

Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

So, he toodled off to town with the boys and I left later with the girls and then, and you had better sit down for this-

I had a blowout.

!

ON MOTHER’S DAY.

It was extremely anticlimatic and I did not go soaring through the air or careening out of control.  I felt something was wrong and I pulled over calmly.

The end.

Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

So, I call David, and he was like, “Are you serious, you had a blowout?” And I was like, “What would be my motivaton to prank you about such a thing?” So he had to take the soon-to-be $15,000 broken down truck and toodled back to where I was, stranded on the road.

ON MOTHER’S DAY.

David and the boys pull up, all three males swing into action like the Marx brothers and LD runs and puts rocks in front of my tires and I did not know why he did that for at least 24 hours.

My Sweet Infiniti has a spare tire under the car, but my Sweet Infiniti does not have the jack and tool kit to get the tire.  Which is apparently essential.

Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

So, David, who dressed up for his Mama’s special lunch, had to lay under my car for TWO SOLID HOURS and try to pry this tire down from the Sweet Infiniti.

Cars were zooming past us at 60-70 miles per hour and the boys kept getting close to the white line and I about flipped my lid.  Because I prefer safety.

David kept shout-requesting tools from under the Sweet Infiniti and we would run to his truck and see if he had them.

David:  CAN YOU FIND A HAMMER?

I would scamper on over to the truck and return with:

I HAVE FOUND TWO AXES, A WRENCH, AND SEVERAL TIE DOWN STRAPS.

Kate’s car was only a few miles from where we were.  Don’t ask why, it is too long to explain and matters not one bit.  David told Kate and I to take the truck and go fetch Kate’s car.  No one knew why, but you tend to obey someone who is in dress clothes on the ground of a highway under a car for two hours.

David:  But if the truck breaks down, it is $15000.

Me:  How will I know if it is breaking down?  What do I do?

David:  Nothing.

And, Reader, I am just hopeful it will not burst into flames.

ON MOTHER’S DAY.

We get Kate’s car and now we have the Infiniti, truck and her car on the side of the road and we use her jack/tool kit, but the Sweet Infiniti is all full of itself and has a special tool kit that is different from all others with a stupid t-shaped end and her kit won’t work.  So I call all the auto stores in town and everyone is like, “Yeah, you are going to have to special order that online.”

Meanwhile, the boys are furious with me because it is like 3pm and they have not been fed.

ON MOTHER’S DAY.

David finally tells me to call a tow truck.  So I start to Google that when he shouts,

GOT IT!

And just then, Reader, the spare tire dropped.

David, who had literal dirt in his ears, came out from under the car in his nice, albeit filthy, button down shirt rolling the spare out, proving, once again, that not all heroes wear capes.

So, now we had to get both the Sweet Infiniti and the truck to the same mechanic and hope that the truck would not break down and cost us $15000.

And we made it and my dad let us borrow his truck, the end.

We were nearly three hours late to David’s Mamas Mother’s Day lunch.  They warmed up leftoversand the boys ate everything in sight like piranhas.  And my Mother in Law was not even irritated at us.  She is probably used to our antics.  She has known David for a long time, after all.

Then we had to rush back home!  Because I was hosting dinner for my mom and Sisters Meagan and Jess were arriving.

Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

We were late to the party we hosted, but all was well and we ate taco stuff and I haven’t heard how much the truck will cost, but I don’t think it will cost $15,000.

The End.

Kate had her senior prom last night with Auggie.

A few days ago, she declared a national disaster because her dress color was, and I quote “THE WORST COLOR EVER.”

She had purchased the dress online.  No one else agreed that it was ugly, so she kept it.

The best part was she bought these shoes with the biggest heel you had ever seen.

When Auggie came to the door, I greeted him with this:

“Hello.  You look nice and all that jazz, but listen.  I need you to be on my team.  Kate is wearing shoes and she should not wear these shoes.  But she chooses not to listen to me.  I am going to give you three reasons as to why she should not wear these shoes:

1.  She literally cannot walk.  At all.
2. She is going to be like a foot taller than you.
3. She is probably going to get injured.”

Auggie, who is always such a good-natured fellow, proclaimed he could not care less if she was taller than him.  This is something I like about Auggie.  He is a bit on the smaller size, and takes all teasing very easily and is just a chill and agreeable dude.

Would Kate listen to my mother or I about her shoes?

No.

Would Kate listen to Auggie about her shoes?

Yes.

After Kate and Auggie drove off into the sunset, the rest of us were to be helping Ma and Pa with some yard work and the like.  They are being so generous to host a party for Kate’s graduation, so we were there to help.

Our schedules are super tight, so we only had this one evening to dedicate to pool cleaning.  As luck would have it, it was the most frigid night you could imagine, plus rain, and it was awful and we looked amazing and here is a picture of Mom and Hadley.

It was unpleasant.

But we had to do it!  And we did it and everyone lived and everyone looked like a drowned rat afterwards.

***

Reader.

There is something you need to know about David.

David will only chew Extra brand gum in bubblegum flavor.

If you buy him a different brand of bubblegum, he will not even try it.

Not.

Even.

There is something else you need to know about David.

He is cheap.

But only with some things.  Like gum!  Not if he goes to a livestock auction.

David is a grown 40 year old man, but he allows himself only ONE piece of Extra brand Bubblegum per day.

Just one!

And he can make it last the entire day.  How, you ask?  Well.  He purchases peppermints and sticks them in his gum to suck on them to give the gum a bit of flavor during the day.

How many peppermints can David have in a day?

Infinity.

How many pieces of gum can David have in a day?

ONE.

It’s the rules.

Not for me.  I sometimes have TWO pieces of gum.  But don’t tell.

***

I was outside doing some farm and ranching when UPS came.  The UPS man did not see me, but the dogs were right there at his van.  He opened his van door and just tossed a bunch of dog treats out the door and is that not the most genius idea you ever heard?

The dogs scattered, he delivered packages without getting barked at, the end.

***

We are in the middle of a bunch of projects over here.  One such project is the chicken coop.  You will recall that David told me the coop wasn’t ready.  I asked him what needed to be done and did it myself and put the chickens in the coop.  I let the dogs out and watched them try to breach the perimeter.  They were unable to, so I called it a success.

Meanwhile, the dudes were spreading bark and HD got mad at LD and somehow LD got hit with a shovel and had an owie on his leg.

Later, we went to town and HD had the AUDACITY to suggest that they get coffee drinks for their hard work.

Me:  There will be no coffee drinks for boys who hit their brothers with shovels!

I feel it is good parenting advice.  Feel free to steal it.

Also, I did not do a good job on the fence and within 24 hours, the dogs breached the perimeter and slaughtered six chicks.

It was a colossal bummer.

***

Have you been wondering if I am going to get a new front door for Mother’s Day?

You are not alone.

This old door is past its prime.

David scored an unwanted door off a jobsite and brought it home.  I painted it today and got things all ready.  I cannot show you a picture because the door is currently still in the driveway.

The old door is already in the trash pile.  And I currently am home alone, blogging, with no front door.

David and the boys are trying to capture Wandering Heifer of the Hills.  Who apparently wasn’t a heifer at all, but a bred cow, because she was spotted WITH A CALF.

Apparently the calf is reddish in color with a white marking on his/her face and I am all agog, but the pair are still roaming the hills all wild-like.

Anyways, I have no front door and they are all trying to get the cow/calf and if they are successful I plan to name the calf “Little Red.”  Because I can.

I wasn’t invited to the rodeo, but I am ok with that.

I am weaning Hazel down to one bottle, and more furious she could not be.  She has eye goop again and I asked David to shoot her in the buns with something to fix her and he was like, “No.”

!

On MOTHER’S DAY EVE and EVERYTHING!

“Taylor.  You can’t just give her a shot for everything. She needs to build up an immune system.”

I probably should listen to him since I totes failed on the whole chick/fence/dog situation, but I am still worried.

I don’t see her as much.  She is acting like a cow and hanging with cows.  She does, however, like to come to the gate and yell at me when she is hungry.

***

Here is a picture of Charlie napping.

You’re welcome.

Yes, hello.  It is Tuesday night.  The boys are playing basketball.  Hadley is working.  Kate is asleep. David is working on his truck.

And here are tonight’s top stories.

***

Yes!  David is working on his truck.  Weird.  David, the boys, and Auggie, all drove home Saturday from working at the river when, and please sit down for this, the truck caught fire.

Like legit flames.

Boys:  Don’t worry, Mom!  We were able to put it out with a water bottle and a half of a can of Dr. Pepper.

And so, for reasons that I do not know, the truck is, yet again, broken down, and David is working on it often.  He needs to get it running again so it can break down again.

***

Kate officially started work as a CNA.  She works at the same medical office that my mother works at, so I was able to score this fab photo.

And please be impressed that I blurred out the non-daughter of mine all professional like.

***

The other night, Charlie eyed a squirrel in a tree.

She waited patiently for it for hours upon hours and I have no idea what happened because I went to bed before she came in.

Our dogs live a happy life.

They chase cows.  They chew on chicks.  They nap in manure.

They smell really bad.  But they are happy.

David and the teens, plus a few boyfriends here and there, worked on rebuilding our new 9 foot high chicken coop last weekend.   I was able to snap this photo whilst feeding my best girl, Hazel.

I am really quite excited.  I was hopeful to transfer the chickens to their new coop on that very day, but then David was like, “Nope, the dogs will eat them.  Two weeks.” And then he went to work on his truck and so I don’t know what’s going on, but the chickens are busting out of that brooder box.

I am getting old and sassy.  You should have SEEN the list I sent to David and company regarding my wishes for Mother’s Day/Birthday.

It involved things such as, but not limited to:

A NEW FRONT DOOR.

You guyzzzz.  Our front door has been broken for many months.  Years?  I don’t know.  I even painted the broken door Sea Serpent blue but I want a new door with my whole being.  The door became even more broken and I sent this picture to David and he was all reasonable and like-

“Just push it back in.”

Reader.  This was not the response I had hoped for.  Also.  I think I see peach!

*gasp*

Long-time readers shall remember the horror of the peach.

I think.

Anyways, I want a new front door.

And what does it mean, to be so old and long for a new front door?

And I just had my teacher evaluation, and I did not get fired, and so I told David that I deserved a new front door, but he just keeps working on that truck.  But, Reader.   I want a new front door for Mother’s Day and I want help painting it.

I also want help propping up an apple tree Kate destroyed with the 4 wheeler.

And help spreading new bark.

And help with general home maintence.

And a fountain for my deck.  You know.  For ambiance.

Yes.  It is all a bit much, but this is what happens when someone is almost 40 and married to a man whose truck randomly catches fire in a bad way, but not so bad that a half a can of Dr. Pepper can’t put it out.

Anyways.  I went to the dentist.  I hate the dentist.  I loathe it with my entire being.  I have a bit of gum recession and I absolutely hate when they work on my teeth.

And then they talk to me!  And the lovely gal cleaning my teeth was asking my opinion on Venmo and I just don’t understand how she expected me to give a resonable response as she was chiseling away at my teeth.

But, I digress.

I am super high maintenance at the dentist now and I tell them they cannot do the polish thing because the vibrations irritate me.

Dental Assistant:  Oh!  Ok.  So no polish?

Me:  No, thank you!  As I get older it really bothers me.  That’s what happens when you are almost 40, I guess!

Dental Assistant:  What!?  You are not that old!

Me:  I am 39.  I will be 40 in June.

Dental Assistant:  NO!

And, Reader.  She went to my chart and looked at my actual birth date and told me I don’t look a bit older than 27.  And the only reason I am telling you that is so I can shamelessly boast to you all that I don’t look 39 and 11/12ths years old.

I look 27.

Also:  still no cavities.

I am killing it over here!  David surely needs to buy me a door.

Yes?

***

In my fabulous first grade class, we finished Charlotte’s Web and started the Tale of Despereaux.

More organized teacher partner:  Wow!  Will you even have time to finish a new chapter book before the end of the school year?
Me:  I had not even considered it!

So.  I need to read like 5-17 chapters a day, but it is such a good book and no one will mind.

We had first graders come in today to work on a Mother’s Day gift.

These two precious girls from my class noticed in the Zoom world that they own the same dress, so they wore it together today.

Is that not the most precious thing? Plus the chick in the heart sunglasses?

I just love them.  I don’t want the year to end.

Sure, I like summer and all, but I really get attached to these kids.

One of my kids can be challenging.

Let’s call him, “Al.”

Al was supposed to be finishing this writing prompt on a gift for his mother:

“I love you because . . . ”

Another teacher pal came to get me because Al was about to flip his lid.

Me:  Ok!  We can do this.  I know your mom!  She is amazing!  She is patient, she is kind.

Al (writhing with frustration):  NO!

Me:  Does she play games with you?  Cook you yummy food?

Al:  Ugh!  I know what I want to say!  I just cannot figure out the words!

So, I turn to help someone else and then, I go back to Al:

He wrote:  “I love you becuase . . . I love you stronger than the wind and farther than the sun.”

Is that not the most precious thing you ever saw?

Happy Tuesday!