The Lumberjack's Wife

Alright.  These past few days have been exhausting.

Let’s recap.

Kate graduated and then we had several family members in town and had a graduation party at my parents house.  My ma and pa were gracious enough to let us host a party at their house.  Their house is more centrally located and doesn’t smell like manure, so it is the ideal choice.

Party planning is NOT my forte, so this was a challenge for me.  But I was proud of me, and thankful for help from my parents, Hadley, and Auggie, and we basically nailed it.

Kate wouldn’t take any pictures without Auggie.

Auggie:  You should take one without me, in case we break up.

Me:  That’s ok.  We like you enough to remember you in pictures, even if you break up.

It is true.  I think he is a good kid.

Sister Meagan and Jess set up a projector so we could watch the Covid style graduation.

Weird, wild times, my friends.

Weird, wild times.

We had an open house style graduation and many people came to wish Kate well, and it was all very nice and kind and lovely.

We then had a get together at David’s sister’s house, since all of his family were in town.

Jason even came!

Remember Jason?

His youngest daughter is two, and she was playing with Lego Duplos on the living room floor.  Kate and Hadley’s boyfriends came and took over.  She looked at them, got up, went to her cousin’s room, found regular Legos, and played seperately from them.  And the teen boys didn’t even notice, but they were engaged for quite awhile with their Lego Duplo set.

After that celebration, I had to go home and get ready to go out of town on a work trip.

Yes!  I, Taylor Maliblahblah, went on a professional work like trip.

I rushed home and watered flowers and fed Hazel and packed and hopped on a plane with other teacher like people to go and view a school that shall inspire us for the new school we are creating for next year.

I told my students on Friday I was going to be gone on Monday so I could go and learn to be a better teacher.

My Most Naughtiest Student Who May Have Changed His Zoom Handle To Sir Poops A Lot:  You don’t need to go learn to be a better teacher!  You are already the best!

*sigh*

And . . . I love them.

When I got home, I think only David and Hazel noticed I was gone.

David was very nice and tried to keep up around the house.

David:  Taylor.  I swear I did like two loads of laundry each day, but there was ALWAYS MORE.

Me:  Welcome to my life.

Hazel is so precious and I am feeling sad about weaning her.  But it must be done.

I was feeding her and this little calf, Tillie, came up to see what was the haps.

After the bottle, Tillie followed us for a little bit and Hazel tried to bully me into getting her more food.

Tonight, David came home and all the stars were aligned and no kids were home.

My Mom:  Oh!  Please tell me you are going out to dinner!

Me:  I am helping him load calves into a trailer and I have dinner in the crockpot.

For the record, I would rather sell cows in this state than in the “ready for your table” state.

***

Inquiring minds have asked about two things, and I shall answer them now.

Someone asked:  What is a “Keeping Room?”

Reader.  I do not know.  This is my mother’s house.

This is what I do know:

1.  Mother likes the sign.
2. Father does not.
3. Father is worried it is code for a brothel or something that is distasteful in nature.
4. Mother assures him it is not.
5. Father is still concerned.
6. The sign still hangs.

Also, I had a few people inquire as to whether or not I was able to get the shady paint can money.

Of course I did!  I am a wife worth more than fine rubies!

Here’s how it went down.

I called David and told him, yet again, I needed an address and not just a picture of a paint can.  David could not tell me the address, but he knew the intersection.  I drove to the interesection and found what I believed to me the tumble down shed that housed the paint can that hid the money.

I went.  I trespassed.  I found the hidden key.  I unlocked the special door and I found the previously photographed paint can.  And I got the money intended for my husband.

I was getting in the car when the guy who owns the place, and who is paying David popped his head out the window.

Guy:  Hi, Taylor!  Did you get the money ok?

Me:  Yup!

And do I understand why I had to go through all of that rigamaroo when he was there the whole time?

No.  No, I do not.

May I tell you what is my favorite thing to do right now in this stage of life?

Visit with David on the back deck with a glass of wine, watching our cows, and talking about all the things.

I give it two thumbs up.

Happy Tuesday.

I made to age 39 and 11/12 years old.

Hairdresser Lisa found a gray hair upon my head on Thursday, May 13, 2021, in the year of our Lord.

I am convinced that when I woke up on Thursday, May 12, I had zero gray hair.  But then I had motherly stress and I grew a gray hair just in time for Haircut Lisa to find it in my hair in the afternoon.

Let’s discuss.

Me at 7am on Thursday Morning:  Kate?  What time are you walking tomorrow?

Kate:  9am.

Me:  And your cap and gown are ready to go?

Kate:  Actually, they never arrived.  Maybe I should call someone?

Me:  Yes!  You must call right away!

Kate:  Ok, fine.  Gosh.

Kate drives to work and I drive to work and then I text her and tell her this is a pretty important thing to take care of and if she needs me to, I will call and make inquiries for her.

She replies not until 12:15.

“Sorry, I don’t have time.”

Jess, of Sisters Meagan and Jess fame, reminded me that my niece was also graduating from the same college.

And, yes!  Kate is graduating with her high school degree and her two year associates degree from college.  Let the pomp and circumstance begin.

Me:  Can you borrow Ana’s cap and gown?

Kate:  Hers is blue.

Me:  So I ponder life and Jess, who probably doesn’t have gray hair, reminds me that Ana’s high school graduation gown was dark blue and Kate has probably forgotten that her cousin and her are graduating from the same college at the same time.

Me:  Kate.  Did you remember Ana is graduating at the same college as you?  Probably the same color?

Kate:  Ugh.  I will just call someone.

Which, for the record was what I wanted her to do five hours prior.

Kate then goes radio silent and I am left to stress and wonder.  I end up texting Ana and she is super gracious and willing to share her cap and gown outfit with Kate.  Their college is doing a special recorded service, due to the novel Coronovirus, so it would work out.

Kate stops texting me, because she was working, and I am trying to continue to teach and do other things all while wondering if my child is going to actually participate in her graduation ceremony on the morrow.

And then I went to see Haircut Lisa and she found a gray hair.

I kept looking and squinting and hoping it was just super blond, but no.  It is silver.  A stunning shade of silver.

Meanwhile, as I am in the very haircut chair of haircut Lisa, David calls me.

David:  Yeah.  I need you to go and get some money for me.

Me:  Ok.

And then he proceeds to give very vague, very shady directions on how I am to go to an abandoned jobsite that is under construction, find a key, open a tumble down shack and find some money under a paint can.

This was literally as I was coloring my hair for the first time in almost a year.  Yes, I am sure Haircut Lisa finds me to be normal.

Me:  I am going to need an address.

David:  Just look for a building under construction around the area.

Me:  Address.

Reader.  Would you like to know what he sent me?

No address.  But a picture of a paint can.  With the words “Under paint can.”

And THEN, I had to go and do a bunch of shopping for Kate’s graduation party, although I had no idea if she was walking, but I was feeling better knowing that she could at least use Ana’s.  And I spent many dollars and was so tired and came home and Kate’s cap and gown were on the table, and Oh, Mom, it was here all along!

For the love.

So.  She did it.

She graduated with her high school degree, her associates degree, and her CNA license.

Everyone is exhausted.

Ana graduated, too.

And all is merry and happy in the world.

So, today.  Today, Kate went to go walk and be filmed (no guests allowed).  We will watch it on the TV soon.  I was teaching and cleaning and getting ready to host company and cater a graduation party.

While I was teaching, Hadley made 72 cupcakes, so that was super helpful!

Also while I was teaching, Rio the kitty discovered a living creature in our never-once-ever-used fireplace.

The boys and I figured out how to get the little bird out, WITHOUT David, WITHOUT killing anything, and WITHOUT the bird flying all around the house.

I am old and tired.

The End.

Look at these two.

Do they look like vicious canines who would slaughter precious chicks?

Alas.  They did.  As mentioned in my last post.  We have since boarded all the chicks up again in the coop so the poor creatures cannot see the light of day.  When you open the door to offer them food and water, they scatter and take cover.  And do we blame them?

No, Reader.  We do not.  You did not see the atrocities that happened to their comrades.  But I did.  And I was kind enough to not show you photgraphic evidence.

I have been working so hard at making my coop pleasant and lovely.  And when I say that, I of course mean, the boys and David have worked hard at making a flower bed around the coop and hanging window boxes and such for me so the coop could look nice.

The poor apple tree.  It got ran over by a four wheeler.  David, who did not run it over, came into the house and informed me:

Your apple tree.  Dead.  Done.  Goner.

He was frustrated.  Sometimes he gets frustrated whilst working with the teens.  Anyways, I took some green painter’s tape and taped up the split trunk and we are pretending all is well and it is blooming so who knows?  There should be chicks pecking the ground behind there, but that is where the slaughter happened.  So they are boarded up for now.

Look!  My student, Al, and his mama gave me a “We appreciate you” flower basket.

And I hung it on my coop!  The coop with the traumatized chicks!

You may ask, “Taylor.  Did you notice the coop was splattered with mud?”

And I will say, “YUP.”

It is what it is.

Let’s talk about front doors.

While I was painting the front door, David walked by and commented:

“In and out, huh?”

And I said, “What?” and he walked away and I stared and I thought and I stared and I thought and I had absolutely no idea what on earth he was saying, so I continued with my task.

And then he hung the door and it all became clear.

I painted the outside Sea Serpent Blue.

AND the inside.

Oops.

Now what?

Nothing, that’s what.  It will stay like that for awhile.  Just like the mud on my coop.

***

Many years ago, when Teller was a young girl in driver’s ed, she had an instructor who wore Hammer pants.

Reader.  Do you know what Hammer pants are?

He was a character, and, coincidentally, he is still a driver’s ed instructor and he instructed Hadley.

Anyways.

Mr. Hammer Pants scared the living daylights out of me.  Every single class, he told us of a teen car accident death and I was sure I would never survive the open road.  One such lesson was on getting a blow out.  Mr. Hammer Pants made me feel like if one were to get a blowout, the car would come out of control and you could not steer or brake or anything and certain death was upon you.  I have never had a blowout, but I have been terrified of them all the same.

And then.

Mother’s Day.

On Mother’s Day, David announced his truck, yes the one the caught fire only a few days ago, was, once again, broken down.  So he borrowed my car with a trailer to do something important and managed to get a flat tire.

Me:  What do you do, exactly?  How do you drive?  I have never had a flat tire or a car catch fire?  What is your secret?

Anyways, he went and repaired the flat and told me it would buy us some time.

Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

Then we had to go to town.  We had plans to see his Mama and company for Mother’s Day.  We were having lunch at 1:30 and the Dudes were furious at me that they were not presented with a noonday meal around 12, which is child abuse.

David left a bit early.  He was taking his truck to a mechanic and I was to meet him there and pick him up.

David:  If it breaks down, the repair will be $15,000.

Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

So, he toodled off to town with the boys and I left later with the girls and then, and you had better sit down for this-

I had a blowout.

!

ON MOTHER’S DAY.

It was extremely anticlimatic and I did not go soaring through the air or careening out of control.  I felt something was wrong and I pulled over calmly.

The end.

Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

So, I call David, and he was like, “Are you serious, you had a blowout?” And I was like, “What would be my motivaton to prank you about such a thing?” So he had to take the soon-to-be $15,000 broken down truck and toodled back to where I was, stranded on the road.

ON MOTHER’S DAY.

David and the boys pull up, all three males swing into action like the Marx brothers and LD runs and puts rocks in front of my tires and I did not know why he did that for at least 24 hours.

My Sweet Infiniti has a spare tire under the car, but my Sweet Infiniti does not have the jack and tool kit to get the tire.  Which is apparently essential.

Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

So, David, who dressed up for his Mama’s special lunch, had to lay under my car for TWO SOLID HOURS and try to pry this tire down from the Sweet Infiniti.

Cars were zooming past us at 60-70 miles per hour and the boys kept getting close to the white line and I about flipped my lid.  Because I prefer safety.

David kept shout-requesting tools from under the Sweet Infiniti and we would run to his truck and see if he had them.

David:  CAN YOU FIND A HAMMER?

I would scamper on over to the truck and return with:

I HAVE FOUND TWO AXES, A WRENCH, AND SEVERAL TIE DOWN STRAPS.

Kate’s car was only a few miles from where we were.  Don’t ask why, it is too long to explain and matters not one bit.  David told Kate and I to take the truck and go fetch Kate’s car.  No one knew why, but you tend to obey someone who is in dress clothes on the ground of a highway under a car for two hours.

David:  But if the truck breaks down, it is $15000.

Me:  How will I know if it is breaking down?  What do I do?

David:  Nothing.

And, Reader, I am just hopeful it will not burst into flames.

ON MOTHER’S DAY.

We get Kate’s car and now we have the Infiniti, truck and her car on the side of the road and we use her jack/tool kit, but the Sweet Infiniti is all full of itself and has a special tool kit that is different from all others with a stupid t-shaped end and her kit won’t work.  So I call all the auto stores in town and everyone is like, “Yeah, you are going to have to special order that online.”

Meanwhile, the boys are furious with me because it is like 3pm and they have not been fed.

ON MOTHER’S DAY.

David finally tells me to call a tow truck.  So I start to Google that when he shouts,

GOT IT!

And just then, Reader, the spare tire dropped.

David, who had literal dirt in his ears, came out from under the car in his nice, albeit filthy, button down shirt rolling the spare out, proving, once again, that not all heroes wear capes.

So, now we had to get both the Sweet Infiniti and the truck to the same mechanic and hope that the truck would not break down and cost us $15000.

And we made it and my dad let us borrow his truck, the end.

We were nearly three hours late to David’s Mamas Mother’s Day lunch.  They warmed up leftoversand the boys ate everything in sight like piranhas.  And my Mother in Law was not even irritated at us.  She is probably used to our antics.  She has known David for a long time, after all.

Then we had to rush back home!  Because I was hosting dinner for my mom and Sisters Meagan and Jess were arriving.

Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.

We were late to the party we hosted, but all was well and we ate taco stuff and I haven’t heard how much the truck will cost, but I don’t think it will cost $15,000.

The End.

Kate had her senior prom last night with Auggie.

A few days ago, she declared a national disaster because her dress color was, and I quote “THE WORST COLOR EVER.”

She had purchased the dress online.  No one else agreed that it was ugly, so she kept it.

The best part was she bought these shoes with the biggest heel you had ever seen.

When Auggie came to the door, I greeted him with this:

“Hello.  You look nice and all that jazz, but listen.  I need you to be on my team.  Kate is wearing shoes and she should not wear these shoes.  But she chooses not to listen to me.  I am going to give you three reasons as to why she should not wear these shoes:

1.  She literally cannot walk.  At all.
2. She is going to be like a foot taller than you.
3. She is probably going to get injured.”

Auggie, who is always such a good-natured fellow, proclaimed he could not care less if she was taller than him.  This is something I like about Auggie.  He is a bit on the smaller size, and takes all teasing very easily and is just a chill and agreeable dude.

Would Kate listen to my mother or I about her shoes?

No.

Would Kate listen to Auggie about her shoes?

Yes.

After Kate and Auggie drove off into the sunset, the rest of us were to be helping Ma and Pa with some yard work and the like.  They are being so generous to host a party for Kate’s graduation, so we were there to help.

Our schedules are super tight, so we only had this one evening to dedicate to pool cleaning.  As luck would have it, it was the most frigid night you could imagine, plus rain, and it was awful and we looked amazing and here is a picture of Mom and Hadley.

It was unpleasant.

But we had to do it!  And we did it and everyone lived and everyone looked like a drowned rat afterwards.

***

Reader.

There is something you need to know about David.

David will only chew Extra brand gum in bubblegum flavor.

If you buy him a different brand of bubblegum, he will not even try it.

Not.

Even.

There is something else you need to know about David.

He is cheap.

But only with some things.  Like gum!  Not if he goes to a livestock auction.

David is a grown 40 year old man, but he allows himself only ONE piece of Extra brand Bubblegum per day.

Just one!

And he can make it last the entire day.  How, you ask?  Well.  He purchases peppermints and sticks them in his gum to suck on them to give the gum a bit of flavor during the day.

How many peppermints can David have in a day?

Infinity.

How many pieces of gum can David have in a day?

ONE.

It’s the rules.

Not for me.  I sometimes have TWO pieces of gum.  But don’t tell.

***

I was outside doing some farm and ranching when UPS came.  The UPS man did not see me, but the dogs were right there at his van.  He opened his van door and just tossed a bunch of dog treats out the door and is that not the most genius idea you ever heard?

The dogs scattered, he delivered packages without getting barked at, the end.

***

We are in the middle of a bunch of projects over here.  One such project is the chicken coop.  You will recall that David told me the coop wasn’t ready.  I asked him what needed to be done and did it myself and put the chickens in the coop.  I let the dogs out and watched them try to breach the perimeter.  They were unable to, so I called it a success.

Meanwhile, the dudes were spreading bark and HD got mad at LD and somehow LD got hit with a shovel and had an owie on his leg.

Later, we went to town and HD had the AUDACITY to suggest that they get coffee drinks for their hard work.

Me:  There will be no coffee drinks for boys who hit their brothers with shovels!

I feel it is good parenting advice.  Feel free to steal it.

Also, I did not do a good job on the fence and within 24 hours, the dogs breached the perimeter and slaughtered six chicks.

It was a colossal bummer.

***

Have you been wondering if I am going to get a new front door for Mother’s Day?

You are not alone.

This old door is past its prime.

David scored an unwanted door off a jobsite and brought it home.  I painted it today and got things all ready.  I cannot show you a picture because the door is currently still in the driveway.

The old door is already in the trash pile.  And I currently am home alone, blogging, with no front door.

David and the boys are trying to capture Wandering Heifer of the Hills.  Who apparently wasn’t a heifer at all, but a bred cow, because she was spotted WITH A CALF.

Apparently the calf is reddish in color with a white marking on his/her face and I am all agog, but the pair are still roaming the hills all wild-like.

Anyways, I have no front door and they are all trying to get the cow/calf and if they are successful I plan to name the calf “Little Red.”  Because I can.

I wasn’t invited to the rodeo, but I am ok with that.

I am weaning Hazel down to one bottle, and more furious she could not be.  She has eye goop again and I asked David to shoot her in the buns with something to fix her and he was like, “No.”

!

On MOTHER’S DAY EVE and EVERYTHING!

“Taylor.  You can’t just give her a shot for everything. She needs to build up an immune system.”

I probably should listen to him since I totes failed on the whole chick/fence/dog situation, but I am still worried.

I don’t see her as much.  She is acting like a cow and hanging with cows.  She does, however, like to come to the gate and yell at me when she is hungry.

***

Here is a picture of Charlie napping.

You’re welcome.

Yes, hello.  It is Tuesday night.  The boys are playing basketball.  Hadley is working.  Kate is asleep. David is working on his truck.

And here are tonight’s top stories.

***

Yes!  David is working on his truck.  Weird.  David, the boys, and Auggie, all drove home Saturday from working at the river when, and please sit down for this, the truck caught fire.

Like legit flames.

Boys:  Don’t worry, Mom!  We were able to put it out with a water bottle and a half of a can of Dr. Pepper.

And so, for reasons that I do not know, the truck is, yet again, broken down, and David is working on it often.  He needs to get it running again so it can break down again.

***

Kate officially started work as a CNA.  She works at the same medical office that my mother works at, so I was able to score this fab photo.

And please be impressed that I blurred out the non-daughter of mine all professional like.

***

The other night, Charlie eyed a squirrel in a tree.

She waited patiently for it for hours upon hours and I have no idea what happened because I went to bed before she came in.

Our dogs live a happy life.

They chase cows.  They chew on chicks.  They nap in manure.

They smell really bad.  But they are happy.

David and the teens, plus a few boyfriends here and there, worked on rebuilding our new 9 foot high chicken coop last weekend.   I was able to snap this photo whilst feeding my best girl, Hazel.

I am really quite excited.  I was hopeful to transfer the chickens to their new coop on that very day, but then David was like, “Nope, the dogs will eat them.  Two weeks.” And then he went to work on his truck and so I don’t know what’s going on, but the chickens are busting out of that brooder box.

I am getting old and sassy.  You should have SEEN the list I sent to David and company regarding my wishes for Mother’s Day/Birthday.

It involved things such as, but not limited to:

A NEW FRONT DOOR.

You guyzzzz.  Our front door has been broken for many months.  Years?  I don’t know.  I even painted the broken door Sea Serpent blue but I want a new door with my whole being.  The door became even more broken and I sent this picture to David and he was all reasonable and like-

“Just push it back in.”

Reader.  This was not the response I had hoped for.  Also.  I think I see peach!

*gasp*

Long-time readers shall remember the horror of the peach.

I think.

Anyways, I want a new front door.

And what does it mean, to be so old and long for a new front door?

And I just had my teacher evaluation, and I did not get fired, and so I told David that I deserved a new front door, but he just keeps working on that truck.  But, Reader.   I want a new front door for Mother’s Day and I want help painting it.

I also want help propping up an apple tree Kate destroyed with the 4 wheeler.

And help spreading new bark.

And help with general home maintence.

And a fountain for my deck.  You know.  For ambiance.

Yes.  It is all a bit much, but this is what happens when someone is almost 40 and married to a man whose truck randomly catches fire in a bad way, but not so bad that a half a can of Dr. Pepper can’t put it out.

Anyways.  I went to the dentist.  I hate the dentist.  I loathe it with my entire being.  I have a bit of gum recession and I absolutely hate when they work on my teeth.

And then they talk to me!  And the lovely gal cleaning my teeth was asking my opinion on Venmo and I just don’t understand how she expected me to give a resonable response as she was chiseling away at my teeth.

But, I digress.

I am super high maintenance at the dentist now and I tell them they cannot do the polish thing because the vibrations irritate me.

Dental Assistant:  Oh!  Ok.  So no polish?

Me:  No, thank you!  As I get older it really bothers me.  That’s what happens when you are almost 40, I guess!

Dental Assistant:  What!?  You are not that old!

Me:  I am 39.  I will be 40 in June.

Dental Assistant:  NO!

And, Reader.  She went to my chart and looked at my actual birth date and told me I don’t look a bit older than 27.  And the only reason I am telling you that is so I can shamelessly boast to you all that I don’t look 39 and 11/12ths years old.

I look 27.

Also:  still no cavities.

I am killing it over here!  David surely needs to buy me a door.

Yes?

***

In my fabulous first grade class, we finished Charlotte’s Web and started the Tale of Despereaux.

More organized teacher partner:  Wow!  Will you even have time to finish a new chapter book before the end of the school year?
Me:  I had not even considered it!

So.  I need to read like 5-17 chapters a day, but it is such a good book and no one will mind.

We had first graders come in today to work on a Mother’s Day gift.

These two precious girls from my class noticed in the Zoom world that they own the same dress, so they wore it together today.

Is that not the most precious thing? Plus the chick in the heart sunglasses?

I just love them.  I don’t want the year to end.

Sure, I like summer and all, but I really get attached to these kids.

One of my kids can be challenging.

Let’s call him, “Al.”

Al was supposed to be finishing this writing prompt on a gift for his mother:

“I love you because . . . ”

Another teacher pal came to get me because Al was about to flip his lid.

Me:  Ok!  We can do this.  I know your mom!  She is amazing!  She is patient, she is kind.

Al (writhing with frustration):  NO!

Me:  Does she play games with you?  Cook you yummy food?

Al:  Ugh!  I know what I want to say!  I just cannot figure out the words!

So, I turn to help someone else and then, I go back to Al:

He wrote:  “I love you becuase . . . I love you stronger than the wind and farther than the sun.”

Is that not the most precious thing you ever saw?

Happy Tuesday!

This just in:

A neighbor has called David and the wandering heifer of the hills has been spotted!  And get this-she is like WAY far away.  Miles upon miles she has traversed.

We are going to need to set a strategic plan in place, Friends.  It shall involve Farrier Friend on a horse with a lasso and I simply cannot wait!  I do not know yet when this adventure shall transpire, but I shall surely enjoy it.

***

Hazel does this cute new thing of making me search for her for forty minutes every morning to give her a bottle.  This I don’t have time for.  If I am working from home, I just wait until she gets good and hungry and comes and finds me.

On Wednesday, I was teaching my students and told them about how she had not yet been fed.  My students double love Hazel and get stars in their eyes whenever I speak of her.  I decided to completely throw my “lesson plan” to the wind and took my laptop to the back deck.  The students and I called Hazel and she came running!

You may ask, “Taylor!  Why did you put ‘lesson plan’ in quotes?”

Well.  Because I don’t write lesson plans.  I just think them. But don’t tell anyone.

Anyways, Hazel was so excited and then she snuck under the fence and was literally at the front door.  The students told me to feed her, and so I started to make a bottle with them.

Rest assured, I threw some math skills in there.

And then I took them out with me and we fed her right there on the front porch.

They will most likely never forget me.  I am just coocoo enough to be forever engraved in their memories.

***

Today, a student changed his Zoom name to Sir Poops A Lot.

There are 30 school days left.

***

Yesterday, the entire first grade team had an all first grade get together.

On the agenda:

Lunch in the field.

Do a super secret self portrait for Mother’s Day.

Do a super secret poem for Mother’s Day.

Plant a potato plant.

Enjoy each other’s company.

There are four teachers on our team: Kristin, Lydia, Cassie, and myself.

Kristin and Lydia were in the building with technology and tables instructing the children on how to do the self portraits.

Cassie and I were outside in the field doing the poems, potato plants, and facilitating the enjoying each other’s company.

And now, I would like to present:

A List of Things that Cassie and I did wrong.

1.  We thought doing potato plants would be a splendid idea.
2. Reader.  It was anything but splendid.
3. Cassie is like, WAY too prepared for life and wanted to cut the potatoes two days early.
4. I agreed with her.  Like a fool.
5. Reader.  Have you ever smelled a rotten potato?  And then did you cut the potato?  And then did you let it sit in your classroom for two days awaiting plantation?
6. The poem we gave the kids to work on “independly” was way too much too handle.
7. Cassie and I felt like we could easily work this out with clipboards and calm children who didn’t need help reading or spelling and we would simply walk about the pleasant children on the pleasant day in the pleasant weather and no children would ever need to use the bathroom.
8. Reader.  Kids needed to use the bathroom.
9. One student:  I would like to describe myself as dramatic.  How do I spell it?
10. Me:  Cool!  Better sound it out!
11. Would you like to know how he spelled it?
12. Sure you do:  Jhmilmiik.
13. Me:  Looks great, Bud.
14. Because I had NO TIME. NO TIME, Reader.
15. Oh!  And then summer decided to come!  And what fun!  But no one was prepared!  And we were hot and cranky and Cassie’s arms got all burnt like a lobster or something.
16. And the poems were not getting written and we still had to plant pototoes and the potatoes were festering something fierce and smelled wicked bad.
17. Meanwhile, Lydia and Kristin were in the building guiding half of the group on self portraits and totally killing it and not getting sunburned.
18. Precious nephew was out in the field with me.  He was working on his poem and I told him to smile.  He totally threw down his clipboard and offered this pose:
19. Reader.  I did not complain.
20. When Kristin and Lydia, who had just led what was presumably the most professional lesson known to man were ready to switch, Cassie and I totally threw out the poem idea and just worked on potato plants and allowing the kids to visit.
21. Kristin and Lydia:  Ok!  We got every first grader to complete a beautiful self portrait.
22. Cassie and Taylor:  We got sunburnt, almost lost one kid but didn’t, and completed zero poems.  We did get the potatoes planted!

So, it was a fail.

Also, did you know you cannot “Mute” kids in person?

***

When I got home last night, Hazel accosted me at my car, wishing to have a bottle.

So hangry.

Then she had the audacity to try to go in the house and then she peed on the porch.

***

I finished Charlotte’s Web today with my kids.  I love it more and more each year.  If you have a child in your life, read them this book.  Grab the kid, place them in your lap, and read the book outloud.

You’re welcome.

***

Today, I looked out the window and saw steers out.  This is happening way too often my friends.

I had to wake the boys up and all three of us had to go out there in pajamas and try to get this steer in and repair the fence.

Some of you have never had to try and bring in loose steers with your middle school boys before you even had a cup of coffee, and it shows.

The boys even went out with bare feet and sandals.

I am still annoyed about it.

Happy Weekend!

Because David is a jolly fellow, he will upon occasion, text a group of himself, Kate, Hadley, and I, ridiculous dad jokes randomly.

David:  Did you hear they aren’t going to make yard sticks any longer?

I check my text and roll my eyes and get back to my life.

And then there’s Kate.

Kate:  oh, no!  why?

(Fun fact.  Kate refuses to allow capital letters in her texts.  It is against her religion)

Me:  Kate.  It was a joke.  They won’t make yard sticks any longer than three feet.

Kate:  ohhhhhhhhhh

She’s a party and a half, that girl.

***

Kate’s boyfriend texted me yesterday morning.  It became quite apparent very quickly that he thought he was texting Kate.

Boyfriend:  Good Morning, Sweet Baby.  🙂

Me:  Don’t make it weird, Dude.

Boyfriend:  Oh, my pants.

So, now, I shall say the phrase, “Oh, my pants!” when appropriate.

***

Look!  I found proof that there is a cow out there who licks Hazel!

Can you see it?  Can you see it?

Now, to get someone to scrub her poo-covered tail.

***

I am officially terrifed of our three new Mama Cows:  Crazy 8, R350, and Earlene.

Oh, I thought Earlene was nice.  I was taking this lovely photo of her because I felt her udder was mucho impressive.

Look at it!  It looks like a balloon ready to pop!

Uncomfy.

Her baby is somewhere on the other side of her and soon after I took that photo, which was ZOOMED in by the way, I wasn’t even that close, she put her head down and ran after me.

LIKE SHE WAS GOING TO KILL ME!  OH, MY PANTS!

I ran away and just kept imagining how bad it would hurt once that giant head knocked into my backside.  I screamed at the thought and then she stopped chasing me and I lived but now I am very cautious and don’t go out there as much and carry a large stick.  Because I like checking on cows, but I don’t like almost dying.  And know my knee is raging against the machine because I ran.  And can you believe I am still waiting for workman’s comp to workout what’s going to happen with my knee injury from February the 3rd?

***

David is working on a big project at our River Property.  He is prepping for concrete.  This is a bit much for him as he is still working full time and being a cow rancher and such.

Last night.

David:  I have to go down to the property to check to see if the bobcat is broken and take measurements.  Want to come?

Me:  That’s fine.

So, off we went.  And the river flooded, but now is receding.  LD put this stick at the water line 5 days prior.

You guyzzzzz.

David is bananas.

First of all, he had to take some measurements that involved shoving wire through conduit and don’t ask me any questions because I literally have no idea.

But!

This was totally a two person job, in my humble opinion, and he was like acting earlier like it was no big deal if I came or not.

Me:  How would you have done this without me?

David (shrugs):  Just would have taken twice as long.

So he would have me stand and shout things to him and he was working and, Reader, there is something you need to know.

David literally runs from Point A to Point B.

Scout’s honor.

And it was like, 7pm on a WEDNESDAY.

Me:  Why are you running?

He answers not.

Weird.

Me:  David!  Is this how you are at work?

David:  Pretty much.

Me:  Are you for serious?

David:  Oh, yeah.  I get made fun of.  People tell me not to work so hard.  But I can get a house done twice as fast as other journeyman.

And I am still trying to process what it all means.  And now I understand why he can eat ice cream and M and Ms and not need a gym membership.  And  I also understand why I should never, EVER, ever, join him with feasting of M and Ms because, dooooood.

I probably still will eat M and Ms when he brings them near me.

But let the records show:  I am full aware that I definitely shouldn’t.

And how does he know how to do all the things?  I do not know.

Before I go, I want you to fully understand that he actually and literally runs.

It would be like me running from the dryer with clean clothes to the bed and back again to try and increase my laundry load quota.

He must think I am the laziest creature in the world.  Because I walk.  I might even describe it as a casual saunter.

Oh, well.

Happy Thursday.

Yesterday morning, I went out to feed Hazel and captured this Hallmark moment:

These just might be the happiest days of my life.

Alright.

I was walking and checking on cows yesterday, when Bam!  I came across the presumed dead calf of cow R350.

This calf was right by cow R350 and “You know that 8+ month pregnant cow David recently bought.”

This calf is a new one and did NOT have a tag in its ear.  We had just tagged “You know that 8+ month pregnant cow David recently bought” baby so we would know it was hers.

But I could not see “You know that 8+ month pregnant cow David recently bought”‘s calf.  And we are just gonna call that cow Crazy Eight now because she literally went insane.

Reader.

She went after me.

I had to run and climb a stick pile and hide behind a tree.

I took this photo accidentally during my narrow escape.

Reader.

Can you feel the terror?

That cow knew I was behind that tree.  And she stared at me with ill-intent and would not leave me be.

I stood there for over 15 minutes and I got all covered in sap.  It was sticky and unpleasant.

All the other cows got up and decided to change locations.  They do this and I have no idea why.  They are like all hanging out in one area, chewing their cud, then they all get up and go to another area and sit and chew their cud or eat or what have you.  They don’t talk to each other, but they all know what the plan is.

When her gal pals left, Crazy 8 started with them, so I felt it was safe, but then she turned back and went after me again.

Again, Reader!

It was obvious she did not know where her calf was, so she was all a flutter.  She finally left me be and I was able to get back to the house, but she was mooing and running all about like an insane crazy person trying to find her calf.

When I checked later, I was able to confirm that her tagged calf was with her.  And I saw cow R350 and her calf alive and well.

And then I noticed that Earlene went and had herself a baby.

And I wasn’t even watching her for a baby.  I call her Earlene because she has unique ears.  She doesn’t have as much hair on the top of them as the others, so I can pick her out amongst the other unmarked black cows amidst our lands.

Earlene is not crazy and does not wish to murder me like Crazy 8 and Cow R350.

I told David NO MORE WILD COWS and he was like, but remember the Elusives?  They were wild and they calmed down.

And here is a photo I took of Elusive with a Tag today and he is right.  I walked right up to her and snapped her photo and she did not try to kill me.

Happy Endings.

Anyways.  Last week we had three calves born and all three are alive and that is happy news.

David and the boys left early this morning to work at the river and were out of service.  Hadley and I were the only ones home when I discovered that 4 older calves had gotten out of David’s calf pen.

You guys.

I am like a true rancher wife person now.

I figured out where in the cattle panels the calves had gotten out AND I MENDED IT.

I got Hadley up and we tried for two hours to get calves in and we were unsuccessful so she went to town and I remained at home.

Three of the calves appeared out of nowhere on the complete opposite end of the property and I, yes, I, Taylor Maliblahblah, got them all back in.

All.

By

My.

Self.

It involved cutting open a panel and luring with grain and jumping the corral THRICE and shoving cattle to and fro and then repairing the panel, but I did it.

Here are two of them before I took their freedom away.

I had a few projects for today, but my day was taken with general animal husbandry and I kind of took a nap.  So no projects were completed.

Kate became a certified CNA yesterday and accepted a new full time job as a CNA.

She was exhausted.

Her graduation party is coming up and I had to go through a bunch of photos and I know everyone says it all the time, but-

Where does the time go?