The Lumberjack's Wife

Having teens is super entertaining, especially as you watch them try to learn how to adult.

Kate was on the phone.  She was asked her name.  She replied, “Kate.”

Salesman:  Can you spell that for me?

Kate:  Sure!  K as in “cat.”  Oh!  Wait.  Hmmmm.

Life is challenging.

Ok!  Raise your hand if you remember “Wandering Heifer of the Hills.”

Last April, we had a heifer jump the fence and she had traversed many a mile and was later found with a calf residing at another farm.  And we had no idea she was with child, Reader!

Today, all the stars aligned, and we went to fetch her.

First, David bought like 10 cattle panels, because $1100 on cattle panels seems reasonable while trying to catch a heifer who originally cost you $800.

David, Hadley, HD, and I went to go and set up a makeshift corral in an attempt to lure the cow/calf pair.  LD was absent because he was invited to a sleepover.

I know!  More anxious I could not be.  Because, manners.

But the mama called and said things are going so well they would like to have him another night, and yes, by all means.  Take the boy.  I should probably Venmo her some grocery money.

Anyways.  We went and we got to this cow pasture.

And we started to build our little corral and put fresh hay in it and all the cows were like-

Anyways.

We needed just two and they are not docile, calm creatures.

They are in the back there.  On the left is the baby and on the right is the mother.  The baby is a reddish brown with a white face.  The mother is black with a white face.

I have named the baby, who is a girl, Little Red.

We have named the mother, Pita, and we have a reason for that, but it is PG.  Maybe even PG13.  But you cannot judge us because you did not have to deal with her.  And if you did, you would name her Pita, too.

Anyways!  After much pomp and circumstance, we were able to seperate Pita and Little Red from the herd and we loaded them into the trailer and now they are home and all is happy in the world.

And don’t worry.

I helped Kate out and told her that K was for Kangaroo.

Totally saved the day.

Later, Gators.

This gem sat posted on my fridge for a couple of weeks.

David, HD, and Hadley made no comment about it.  Sadly.  And can we not all admit the spider web illustration is worthy of note?

Kate, full of sass and 18 year old-ness, stood with her hand on her hip:  MOM.  Did you SERIOUSLY put this on the fridge?

Me: Looks like it.

Kate:  SERIOUSLY?

Me:  Yup.  It is on the fridge and I put it there.

And then she sighed and walked off.  It must be tragic to have to live with a mother such as I.

LD went to the fridge, presumably to get his 17th snack for the afternoon.  He stared at it and read it out loud, in a monotone 7th grader boy voice.

“You have been my friend.  That in itself is a tremendous thing.  I wove my webs for you because I liked you.”

Then he thought and stared and thought and stared.

LD:  Ma!  Is this supposed to be funny or sad?  I don’t get it.

So there you have it.

Because I want to drag out the end of the school year and keep feeling all sad that it is over, I feel the need to share this photo with you of myself and Gretchen.

Gretchen is the kiddo who made me the Best Teacher Ever button.

I wore it all day yesterday, shamelessly bragging to my fellow teacher pals about how I had been declared “best teacher ever” and they, sadly, had not.

She came to drop off her things and say goodbye.  I told her I was so excited she was here because I was wearing my favorite button.

G’s mom:  Ohmygoodness.  I told her not to give that to you.

Me:  Why not?  It is the best gift I have ever gotten from a kiddo.  Absolutely precious.

Little Miss G is moving across the country and I am not sure if I will ever see her again.

Bleeding hearts of the world, unite.

Anyways.  I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but middle school boys can be gross in nature.  I live in constant fear of the state of their teeth and armpits and the atrocities that can build up in each location.

Me to LD: I need you to brush your teeth.

LD:  Got it, Mom.

Me:  No.  No, I do not think you “got it.”  I want you to stand really close to the mirror and smile and stare at your teeth.  Then I want you to think of the cutest girl you have ever seen and that she is about to kiss you.  I want your teeth to look good enough for that scenario.

LD:  Got it.

So he went and brushed his teeth.  Or so I am inclined to believe.  Because, really, I never truly know what that child is doing.

He was headed out the door for school.

Me:  DUDE!  Did you brush your teeth?

LD:  Yeah.

Me:  Would the cutest girl at school be ok with kissing you with your teeth looking the way the day right now?

LD:  Yeah.

Me:  Under no circumstances may you kiss any girls today, Bud.

LD:  Got it.

Our dogs are crazy and want to murder all birds.  I am putting my foot down and am determined to once again have chickens living in my cute coop.

I mean.  Look at it.  The sign alone is sure to envoke envy.

Anyways, our crazy dogs keep trying to eat chickens.  Sometimes they are successful.  But I am getting better and better at this and I know that in the end, I shall prevail.

They just make me happy.

Maisy’s calf is cute.  We are choosing to believe she is a girl so we can keep her.

And that would be ideal.

Happy Friday

At the beginning of each school year, I work hard to build relationships with my students and their families, just like every other teacher I have ever known.  And all year long, I work on building and maintaining that trust and sense of family.  We all grow close as a classroom and it starts to feel like a family.

And then, one day, it is your last day.  And you have to say goodbye.

Teaching is a wonderful and peculiar career.  You become so immersed in these little peoples’ lives.  Checking in after weekend sleepovers at grandma’s, new kittens, losing teeth, saying goodbye to a dog, and having a new baby brother born.  Knowing their hobbies and interests , their strengths and weaknesses, and the preciousness of their hearts.  And then, all of a sudden, you say goodbye.

This has been a year to remember.  These six year olds had their kindergarten year cut short and then continued to learn at home online with me for an entire year of first grade.  And they rocked it.

So, we said goodbye.

Only four of them will be with me at the brick and mortar school.  Everyone else is going different places.

I love them all, and I hope they knew that, and I hope they remember that.

Taylor?  What’s it like trying to get a 14 year old boy up on the weekend to do some chores for his Pa?

Well.  You plead with him to wake up 4.2 billion times.  He finally does.  He makes it halfway down the stairs and collapses in exhaustion.

Look at cute kitty, Rio.  I love her.  She is so snuggly.

Last week, we had a “luau” for the first graders as sort of an end of the year party.  Before they came, I remembered that  David and I used to know a hula dance.

You may say, ‘Taylor?  Do you mean David, the man you are currently married to?  The guy who castrates calves and butchers pigs and only eats one piece of Extra brand Bubblegum flavored gum per day?  THAT David?”

Yes, Reader. The same.

When we were first married, we were in college together for we were both going to be teachers at that point in our life histories.  To fulfill a PE credit, we took a multicultural dance class together and learned all sorts of fun things, such as, but not limited to:  swing dance, the waltz, and square dancing.

Anyways.  I remembered something about a hula dance and I kept trying to come up with the name of it so I could quickly look it up and refresh my memory and teach it to the firsties.  I could not think of it!  I then had the audacity to text Mr. Electrician David to ask him if he remembered the name of the hula dance we learned together 20 years ago.

His response:  Houki Laou?

And that might be the most romantic thing to happen in this marriage.

He didn’t have the spelling right, but it was enough for me to remember and I taught 60 first graders the words and motions to “Huki Lau.”  And much joy and merriment was to be had.

After the luau, I went home and visited Hazey Baby and snapped this photo for the firsties.

***

The girls decided it was time to unbox my wedding dress and try it on.

So, I present:

Kate in my wedding dress

and Hadley in my wedding dress.

And why on earth would I want such a poofy dress?

***

We are out of ground beef.  Have been for awhile.  Apparently, Waylon the bull was all the rage.  David told me he wanted to butcher Maisy for hamburger since she had not calved since March of 2019.

Maisy is the cow that we always think is pregnant, yet never is.  We don’t think.

Anyways, I was all, “No way, Jose.”  Because I was terribly uncomfortable with butchering her when we really didn’t know if she was pregnant or not.  So, he agreed to wait.

Meanwhile, he went to an auction and bought a cow for ground beef.  On his way out, he ran into a vet and paid him to do a quick pregnancy check and that cow is also pregnant, so we are probably just going to have to send people to Costco for ground beef.

Also-look what we stumbled across yesterday:

Maisy with a newborn calf.  And the calf has a matching face!

More happier I could not be.

When we grow up, we hope to have a squeeze chute and pay a vet to come out and do pregnancy checks for us.

David and I were happily chewing gum yesterday when we decided to take a break from gum chewing and sip on coffee.

We oft need coffee in the afternoons on weekends.  We have a multitude of teens and their guests over and things can get dicey.

I would like David and I to have matching shirts that say:

The No Drama Llamas

Do you think he would wear it with me?  (He would not)

ANYWAYS.  We saved our gum-

And here is photographic proof of David’s peppermint that he sticks in his gum.  And isn’t weird that he won’t chew peppermint gum-only Extra Brand Bubblegum Flavor gum, but he adds peppermint flavoring to it when it loses its pizazz?

We saved our gum so we could enjoy it after our No Drama Llama Coffee because we are trying to be thrifty. We need to save our monies on gum so we can grow up and get a squeeze chute.

Happy Monday!

We went camping this weekend, and on our way (you might want to sit down for this)-we had a blowout.

First of all, we had quite the load.

Me:  David, this feels like it is all a bit much.

David:  What?

Oh, the flatbed was full and the skidsteer was loaded and the cab of the skidsteer was full of bags and such.

Anyways.  The trailer towing the skidsteer had a blowout.

See?

Convenient.

Alright!  We still made it to camp and we had some projects to do and we had some fun to have.

One crew was on dirt moving and leveling and flattening and such and one crew was on painting and staining and such.  I was on the painting and staining crew.

When we built this shed last year, we had mismatched metal and accidentally kind of stained the wood orange.  And no one wanted orange.

So we fixed that up and painted the metal to match the metal on our new structure and tried to cover up the orange.

I can still kind of see orange.  Such is life.

Then we had to work on staining the structure.

Reader, may I be frank?  I found staining wood to be loathesome.

Stain is very drippy and non-compliant.  Paint is much more agreeable.  We were all covered in stain, including my father.  In fact, when we were finished, father’s shirt looked like he had just finished committing a murder.  I have stain in my hair.  David’s sister, Lisa, was atop a high ladder, dropped a can of stain, which for some miraculous reason landed right side up.

We finished.

And we would all like to be finished with projects for awhile.

We managed to squeeze in some fun here and there.

I woke up Sunday morning and snapped this photo of my niece.

She got up before everyone else to have some painting time.  Her dog is by her side.

I found it to be quite a lovely picture.

We went on a walk and discovered a new creek.

LD and his cousins.

Lily and Hadley.  Kate is behind them and you can see HD with his dog, Norman, sitting up high in the rocks.

Kate and Niko.

It was a very hot weekend and everyone was wanting to go in the river.  But the river is not user friendly yet, so we had to settle for sitting by it and visiting.

Look at this photo I snapped of Norman.

I am thinking I should win a prize for that photo or something.

When I got home, I read through some of my blog comments, became paranoid, and fed Hazel a bottle.  Her first one in 10 days.  I don’t know.  I am all sorts of confused.

She gulped it down.

Alright.  I am convered in bug bites.  Tomorrow is June 1st.

Later, Dudes.

Hazel has not been offered a bottle for six entire days.

I fear she is not accepting her new life situation.  She follows me around and knocks into my legs hoping a bottle will magically appear.

Farmer Peoples:  How long will this phase last?

She tries for a solid ten minutes and then she gives up.  She is still my favorite, still my walking buddy, and in all honesty, looking a bit pudgy.  So don’t try and tell me I am starving her.

This has been a very strange week.

First of all, the new school I was hired for-and been training for-and just went on a trip to tour a site for-yeah, that school . . . the district just put the kibosh on it.

Like a total kibosh.  And we even had students registered.  And a great team.  And now-gone.

Meanwhile, I was recovering from a mild concussion.

Yes!  I hit my head in our trailer while camping last weekend.  I was simply trying to lay down to read a book and whack!

It was kind of bothering me, but on Monday morning when I put on my headset and started teaching I started feeling all sorts of problems and had to take a bit of time off and spend a lot of time napping.

And, yes.  I really did hit my head on the trailer wall while trying to lay down.  I am that talented.

Once, about 20 years ago, when David and I were first married, I walked into a door and had a gash on my head above my eye.  David had to take me to the ER and they pulled me in a room away from him and tried to get me to feel safe enough to tell the truth and they would help protect me from my husband.

Me:  Oh, no.  I walked into a door.

Nurses: Honey.  It’s ok.  We can help you.

Me:  Really.  I walked into a door.

Anyways.  So everything about school was all whack-a-doodle and I was struggling with head issues, but I now know I am going to land back at the brick and mortar school I was at before eSchool.  I am most likely teaching 2nd grade and I will probably get to have a couple of current eSchool first graders with me.

One of them will be “Al.”  You have heard me speak of Al, yes?  Al and I have been on a wild ride this year.  It took me a couple of months to get him to be comfortable with progress monitoring and such, but we are in a good place now, Al and I.

He started the year with 3 sight words and just met the first grade goal of 200 last week.  After that assessment, I had to check some of his phonics skills.

Al (smiling and talking really awkwardly)- It is going to be hard for me to read these because I cannot stop smiling because I just read all my sight words!

Today, the kids came for an in-person get together and Al’s mom told me she requested me and I feel good to have him again for another year, if all the stars align and things don’t get shuffled again.

One of my girls brought me a “get well soon” note because of my trailer-wall-concussion-saga.

And then one of my gals, Gretchen, brought me two presents she made me.

Present the first:

A portrait of myself and her with arrows helping the viewer identify who is who.

And here is the best teacher gift I have ever received.

Well.  I think it is tied with Joe’s angel from years ago

And I still have that angel and I will keep it forever.

Gretchen took a button that she had been given by her kinder teacher.  The button said something like Gretchen Ms Ham’s Star Student.

Gretchen tried to erase her name and make the button for me:

Aren’t I just the luckiest?

Happy Thursday

Thanks to my new obsession with getting reaquainted with the movie, “Oklahoma,”I have solved a mystery.

I do weird things and call my students names like “pumpkin pie” and “honey lamb.”  Not too long ago, I was trying to figure out where on earth I ever got “honey lamb.”  I totes got “pumpkin pie” from my mother.

Reader.  I got it from “Oklahoma!”

“Oklahoma, every night my honey lamb and I, sit alone and talk and watch a hawk making lazy circles int he sky.”

Mystery solved.  You can all rest easy.

We were able to go camping at the river for the first time this season and it was fun and enjoyable.  They were having jet boat races on the very river that we camp at.

We had many peoples join us and much fun and merriment was to be had.

Here’s Kate and David’s ma.  One of our guests made some delicious pork kabobs and kept handing out more and more meat.  Hence my mother in law holding meat.

I tried to get a video for you, but Auggie totally ruined it.

“What, Ms. Taylor?  I was trying to see if I was as fast as the jet boat!”

Auggie calls me Ms. Taylor and he calls David, Sir David and I do not know why.

Hadley’s boyfriend also came.  His name is Kason.  Kind of like Jason, but with a “K.”

Remember Jason?

Auggie challenged Kason to a wrestling match.

Kason totally won.

There is something you need to know about Kason.  He has an epic last name.  I shan’t share it with you on this here blog.  Wouldn’t be prudent.  But I will tell you all about it.

His last name rhymes with Hadley.  So if they get married she will have a super silly name.

It would be like if David’s last name was “Waylor” and I had to go through life introducing myself as

“Taylor Waylor.”

It amuses me.

My brother and family came and brought with them my precious first grade nephew.

I took Charlie on a walk and he joined me with his adorable little puppy, Frodo.

Apparently Frodo is from “Lord of the Rings” or some other such movie.  Poor Auggie.  He is all about all these kinds of movies and fantasmical worlds and Star Wars and video games and us Maliblahblahs have no idea what he is ever talking about.

We’re always like, “Neat.  Let’s go rope and castrate a calf.”

But precious first grade nephew and Auggie have many similar interests and they had a very in-depth conversation about Zelda, which is some sort of electronic type game, and discussed their mutual love of Legos, and declared themselves best friends.

Auggie:  Dude.  We are like best buds.

Newphew:  I know already!  We decided this on the last day we were here.

(He meant yesterday)

On Friday, I subbed for his class whilst teaching mine in the Zoom world and he had the nerve to miss out on math.  And we were playing “Math Game Show” and everything.

You may ask, “Taylor?  What is Math Game Show?”

Well.  It is a math game that I totally made up.  I basically make everything up while teaching and hope for the best.

ANYWAYS.  Since he missed math, I told his classmates that I would do math with him at camp and give their teacher a picture.

Nephew:  Oh, man!  Are you serious?  Ok.  Give me five problems. Just five.

Nobody seemed impressed with me for hauling this bad boy home:

So, I decided maybe you didn’t fully understand.

Do you see the large truck with the big trailer hauling new-to-David skidsteer?  I expected much more praise and fanfare.  It was really stressful for me.

I even said this sentence to David:  “Do I need to worry about load limits or anything?”

I mean.  COME ON.

Also, this is NOT a Bobcat.  I am learning so much.  Bobcat is a brand name for a skidsteer.

David informed me that this is something called a Wacker Neuson.

Me, being hilarious as ever:  Wack-her?  I hardly KNOW her.

David:  Hilarious, Teller.

Farewell, Honey Lambs!

Today, in class, we were playing Zoom hangman.

Boy:  I guess “j”

So, I write a lower case “j.”

Boy:  No!  I meant the OTHER “j.”

Me, staring at my lower case “j”:  Bud, I do not understand.

Girl:  He is talking about a “g.”

Boy:  Yup.

And we all just accepted this.

This is where we are now, Friends.  It is May the 21st.  I shall send this boy to second grade thinking there are two “J’s” and I am too tired to to care.

It is what it is.  I have fought the good fight.  And let us discuss the letter “g”, reader.

Think about it.

Say it outloud.

You hear the “j” sound.  Why do the people do this to the kids?

Same with the letter “c.”

Let’s move on.

I have had a rough couple of days being a parent.  It happens.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I decided to fall back in love with the soundtrack of the movie, “Oklahoma.”  Ok, I know why.  It is because I remembered a song.  The song “People will say we’re in love” while I was drying my hair yesterday, so I became all obsessed like and decided I loved all the songs for all the day.All the way home from church last night, I belted out Oklahoma songs while LD pretended like I was a normal human adult. And I asked him if one day he would watch Oklahoma with me.  And he said no.

When I got home, I continued to sing “With me, it’s all ‘er nothing” while I was unloading the car.  Hazel heard me, became infuritated, and started literally screaming my name at me.

So, I continued to sing while I made her a bottle and was informed by one teen that I am so annoying because I sing stupid songs to annoy him/her on purpose.

But, Reader.  I wasn’t.  It is just my goofy personality.  I would describe me as “merry.”

Anyways.  I was being dealt a whole bunch of sass and so I waved the white flag and told David to take over and then I bought “Oklahoma” for $15 on the Amazon Prime and watched it for 30 minutes and fell asleep.  But it’s ok, I am going to try again tonight.

The last time I was sass-attacked by teens, I purchased “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”  I am going to get a whole collection of my favorite feel-good movies soon.  Next:  “Music Man.”  And if anyone suggests to you to have four teens at once in your life planning, please smack them upside the head post haste.

This is why I love teaching first grade.  They like me and appreciate my “dorky” qualities.  Today, I had the kids copy a few sentences from Charlottes Web and then we did something totally un-Taylor like and did a bit of “art.”

Reader.  I am terrible at “art.”  Like, so way bad.

But I was so proud of me and I told the kids I was proud of me and I put it on my fridge.

I cannot WAIT until one of my teens declares that I put if on there to purposely annoy them.  I shall keep you abreast of the situation.

***

Just because I want my long time readers to know how far I have come in life:

I, yes, I, Taylor Maliblahblah, hauled a new skidsteer for David home to our homestead.

I.

Drove.

THAT.

Here is what I do not understand:

1.  David has been fixing his old Bobcat for years.
2. Taylor tells David to just buy a new one already.
3. David refuses and invests half of his life repairing the Bobcat.
4. David finally decided to take the Bobcat to a mechanic.
5. It will be there for two months.
6. Great.  Grand.  Wonderful.
7. Then he buys a new one.
8. ?
9. Why did he finally take a Bobcat to the mechanic and simultaneously buy a new one?
10. I have no idea.
11. But I shall keep you abreast of the situation.
12. Happy Friday.