The Lumberjack's Wife

 

Hola!

Welcome back  to my super-exciting recap of my vacation to Mexico with Sir Lumberjack!

To start from the beginning, click here.

On Tuesday, we did nothing.

Well, we sat.

And we ate.

We ate often.

We ate because it was time to eat.

We ate because it wasn’t time to eat.

We ate because we hadn’t tried something.

We ate because it was free.

We ate because someone next to us was eating.

We ate because someone next to us wasn’t eating.

We also did some reading.

Now, you might remember that when we were at Walmart, the Lumberjack tried to get me to buy some sunglasses.

I have never worn sunglasses.

Because I look ridiculous in them.

So, I did not buy any.

Now, I had a revelation on Tuesday.

People buy sunglasses because they are helpful!

It can get kind of tricky to sit out in the sun all day long and try to read a book while squinting.

So, would you like to know what my Lumberjack did?

He took me to the hotel gift shop and made me buy a pair of sunglasses right then and there.

And he didn’t even comment on how the sunglasses at Walmart were 70 pesos and the sunglasses at the giftshop were 180 pesos.

Interruption:  If you are going to travel to Mexico, make sure you brush up on your 12’s times tables.

The exchange rate while we were there was 12 pesos to 1 dollar.

At least I think that’s what the plan was.

We’ll see how it all works out when we get the credit card bill.

Yikes!

I look like something el cato drug in.

100 (meaningless) points to anyone who knows the Spanish word for cat.

But check out my super cool glasses!

They are sitting atop my head.

The Lumberjack had a grand time teasing me for the remainder of the trip about these sunglasses.

It seems you are only supposed to wear these contraptions while in the sun.

I would put them on in the morning when we were leaving our hotel room.

You know.

As part of my accessorizing routine.

Earrings?

Check.

Necklace?

Check.

Sunglasses?

Check.

“Dude.  It’s pretty sunny in here, isn’t it?”

Funny, Lumberjack.

Funny.

I would have them atop my head while in the sun.

“Bet those sunglasses are helping out right now.”

Hilarious, Lumberjack.

Hilarious.

“Did you lose your sunglasses yet?”

“Did you break your sunglasses yet?”

“Hey, hon!  We are going into a dark restaurant!  Put on your sunglasses!”

Oh, he thinks he is so funny.

But then I show him my muscles and he knows it is best to hush up.

Good news!

We figured out the self-timer on our tricky camera!

Kind of.

It’s hit and miss, really.

Oh, look!

Pay attention, folks.

This here is a rarity.

It is a picture of us at a restaurant.

Gosh, we were so busy hiking, shopping, snorkeling, swimming, and sight-seeing that we almost forgot about taking time to eat!

I’m surprised we didn’t waste away.

After dinner, we decided to walk around the beach and hotel.

Can we all have a moment to reflect on my accomplishments as a photographer?

I mean, look at this lighting.

I find it to be exquisite.

But then again, I really have no idea what makes a good picture.

So, for all I know this could be terrible.

But I like to think I am a good photographer.

If this doesn’t scream creativity, I don’t know what does.

Just let me have my moment.

 

Wait a tick!

Well, what’s this we’ve encountered?

Ah . . . .

It is lounge singer.

And he is taking requests!

And he wants people to dance!

Now, that’s entertainment.

Some people could really dance!

And some could not.

Those people could.

They were doing the salsa!

I think.

Aye Carumba!

Fact:  I do not know what Aye Carumba technically means, if that is how it is spelled, nor if that would be the correct way to use it in a sentence.

It just sounded appropriate.

Senor Lounge Singer was really wanting the Lumberjack and I to participate.

“Hola, Honeymooners!”

Oh, for the love of Pete.

“Pick a song, honeymooners!  Pick a song!”

Hmmmm . . .

What could a Lumberjack and his Lumberjill contribute to a dance off in Cancun?

Achy-breaky heart?

(Name that artist)

Ring of Fire?

(Name that artist)

Convoy?

(Name that artist and promise me you will never listen to that song.  It is . . . odd)

I don’t think Senor Lounge Singer would  know any of those tunes.

“Honeymooners!  Song, por favor?!”

LJ to me:  Got any requests?

Me:  Dude!  We could teach them how to line dance!

LJ:  Dude!  NO.

Me:  Well, we certainly don’t salsa!

LJ:  Dude!  NO.

Me:  Well, we did take swing dance in college together!

LJ:  Dude!  NO.

So, we had to inform the crowds that the honeymooners would just be spectators.

You can understand their disappointment.

Boo, Lumberjack.

We could have had our moment, you and I.

Our 15 minutes of fame, if you will.

Boo.

Happy Thursday!

Tell me . . . can you dance?

Oh, dear.

I forgot to mention something in yesterday’s post that happened on Sunday.

It happens.

After we ate and relaxed and ate and relaxed, we decided to go to Walmart.

What?

Walmart?

In Cancun?

Yes.

You heard me correctly.

My suitcase was damaged during the trip and would not longer zip closed.

And that would not do.

I considered just leaving all my belongings behind.

But then I remembered that I had borrowed several of Bimlissa’s belongings as well.

And I don’t think she would like it if I abandoned her entire summer wardrobe in Cancun.

She can hold a grudge something fierce.

I mean . . . just look at her.

Oh, to think of what she would do to me.

I shudder at the thought.

So,  on Sunday night, the Lumberjack and I hopped on the city bus and hoped to find Walmart.

Interruption:  You have not lived until you have ridden the city bus in Mexico to a Walmart.

We get off the bus at what appears to be the correct stop.

But we cannot be certain, for we no habla espanol.

And we no read espanol.

We start walking and out of nowhere the same bus pulls up to us and starts honking.

The bus driver is yelling at us.

“No, Amigos! Bienvenidos picante calliente sol sombrero!”

Reminder: Me no habla espanol and me no remember espanol.

Turns out we were going the wrong way.

So, the kind bus driver points us in the right direction and off we go.

Color us embarrassed.

I am happy to report that we found the Walmart.

The Lumberjack decided he needed sunglasses.

Seriously.

He is so high-maintenance.

LJ (Lumberjack, people!):  Dude!  You should totally get some sunglasses.

Me:  Dude!  You know how ridiculous I look when I wear sunglasses.

LJ:  I know!  It’s freakin’ hilarious!  Get some.

Back in the days of yore, my high school peers informed me that my face did not have the necessary forehead-to-rest-of-face size ratio compatible to attractively wearing sunglasses.

It would seem that my eyes are set too low in my face.

I have carried this insecurity with me ever since.

No.

I did not buy them.

Yes.

He did buy them.

Next we walked around Walmart approximately 4.7 times looking for a suitcase.

I asked 3 workers if they spoke English.

They looked at me as if I were an insane crazy person.

Finally, a man walked up to me and said,

“I speak English.  What do you need?”

“Oh, thank you!  I need a suitcase!  We are travelling-we are from the States, actually, and something must have happened during the flight because when we got to our hotel and I went to open my suitcase the zipper was completely broken.  And, finally, I could open it and get what was inside, but there is no way I can close it again, so I need a new one.  Which is why we are here!”

Kind, English-speaking man pointed straight ahead of me and walked away.

Sometimes people tell me I talk too much.

And it was at that moment that I pondered that thought.

1000 pesos later, we were on our way!

And that, my friends, concludes Sunday.

*****

Monday.

Monday was tour day.

We get on a bus.

Our tour guide tell us his name is Ventura, but we can call him Ace.

It took me a minute, but I got it.

We drove 2 hours to get to our destination.

Oh, Mylanta!

When we signed up for this tour, we were told we were going to a place called Xel-Ha.

It was described to us a place with rivers, caves, bikes, free food (score!), free drinks (score!), dolphins, fishies, free ice cream (yessssssssssssssss), and snorkeling.

We paid $192 for the both of us.

And that was after our Carlos/Waldo discount.

Well, Ace Ventura calls out a handful of people on the bus and tells them they are getting off at Xel-Ha, where they can play in the water and eat and drink to their heart’s delight.

Then, Senor Ventura tells the rest of us we are first going to a place called Tulum for 2 hours before heading back to Xel-Ha.

“Tulum is very hot.  Very, very hot.  No shade.  Do not bring your backpacks.  It will be too hot.”

Wow.

That sounds fun.

“At Tulum, there is no food or drink.  You only get drink when you get to Xel-Ha.”

Hmmm . . . me no likey.

“Do not use bathrooms at Tulum.  They are not pleasant.”

Dude.

You’re killing me.

“We will have 2 hour tour of ancient ruins at Tulum and then we will head back to Xel-ha.  Ok?  Si?  Frijole?  Bien!”

The Lumberjack looked at me.

“Do you want to see ruins?”

Me:  “No!  I will be too thirsty!”

LJ:  Me neither.

Me:  We paid for Xel-Ha.  What is this Tulum he speaks of?

LJ:  Let’s tell him we are supposed to get off at Xel-Ha, not Tulum.

So, we find Ace Ventura.

LJ:  We are supposed to go to Xel-Ha.

Ace Ventura:  You don’t want to go to Tulum?

He seemed hurt.

LJ:  No.  Just Xel-Ha.

Ace:  Ok.  That is fine.  You just go with other group.

Us:  Sweet!

Idiot Alert:  We later discovered that if we had just paid for Xel-Ha, the regular price would have been $75 each.

We paid extra for Tulum.

Who would pay extra for Tulum?

Are they all insane?

So . . . we head into Xel-Ha.

Now.

I am not a girl who snorkels.

I am one of those girls who gets into the pool and alerts everyone within a 2 mile radius that the plan is to not get my hair wet.

And, also, my mascara might run.

Yes.

I am one of those people.

But, my Lumberjack, whom I love with all my being, would really like to do this.

And to prove my undying love for him, I am going to dunk my face into the ocean.

I told him I felt like Jason.

We had a fantastic laugh over that one.

Jason is the Lumberjack’s little brother.

None of you will get that joke.

But we find it quite funny.

Because I don’t want you to feel like the Lumberjack and I have an inside joke we are keeping from you, I will include this picture of Jason from a past camping trip, so you can have a frame of reference:

Oh, dear me.

That guy is a kick in the pants.

I’m sorry, Jason.

Here is a picture of the Lumberjack from that same camping trip.

You know.

I gotta make it Even-Stevens.

Hands off, girls.

That stud-muffin is mine.

All mine.

Who are these peoples that became my family when I married that strange man?

What has become of my life?

And now . . . .

I am one of them.

Or not.

Snorkeling is hard, people!

I could not figure it out!

Everytime I would put my face in, water would fill my goggles and enter my nose.

And then I could not breathe.

And that, my friends, is not safe.

So, I am trying to be a good sport and be the wife that the Lumberjack has always hoped for.

Instead, I am a sputtering idiot with wet hair and mascara running down her cheeks.

So, for the remainder of the snorkeling adventure, the Lumberjack snorkeled and just grabbed my life jacket and pulled me along with him.

And I told him that if a gross, slimy fish touched my leg, we were getting a divorce.

Then he would roll his eyes at me.

And then I would crack another joke about Jason.

And he would laugh and laugh and forget that he was annoyed at me.

Here are some more random pictures from Xel-Ha:

Dolphins!

We did not pay to swim with them for 2 reasons:

1)  We are cheap

2)  Dolphins would qualify as gross, slimy fishies that might touch my legs.

Iguanas.

Gross.

These things were everywhere.

Now, would you look at that face.

Fact:  I asked the Lumberjack if he could believe we had been married for 10 years already.

Would you like to know what he said?

Feels like 30.

How should I take this?

Thoughts?

Don’t judge me about not wanting the gross fishies to touch my legs.

You would freak out, too.

And that, my friends, is why I worry about getting my hair wet.

And why I worry about wearing a swimsuit.

Ok.

I must tell you.

This guy napped constantly on our vacation.

 

I simply left him there and went shopping.

His people snorkel . . . my people shop.

***

We found Ace Ventura again and rode the bus back to our hotel.

Then we changed our clothes and went to dinner.

Have I mentioned that we ate a lot on this trip?

Pop Quiz:  Do you think I gained more weight or The Lumberjack gained more weight?

Happy Wednesday!

Alright.

So, we boarded the plane and no arrests were made.

(Confused?  Click here to catch up!)

We made our travel arrangements through Book It.com and the airline they chose for us was United.

And we had the pleasure of watching this safety video for the first of many, many, many times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tmi0Bd4eHs

Yes.

You need to click on that link.

Why?

Because you need to tell me what on earth that lady has on her neck?

What is it’s purpose?

It looks like she stole Amelia Earhart’s flying goggles and strapped them sideways on her neck.

I got real tired of seeing them goggles.

Or maybe it is a ribbon?

Or some other sort of fashionable accessory?

And don’t even get me started on safety guy’s weird multi-colored facial hair.

Boy, I bet you feel left out if you didn’t click on that link.

I told you to do it.

You only have yourselves to blame.

Also, United Airlines invited me to join them on Twitter.

Well, first of all, I don’t understand Twitter.

And, second of all, no.

Now, I did start enjoying my flight when they started showing episodes of The Office and Frasier!

Now that is flying.

When we finally made it to Cancun, we had to wait in line at customs for 2 entire hours.

And I had not eaten lunch.

These sorts of things make me cranky.

We finally made it through all the rigamaroo and we tried to leave the airport.

But, no.

That would not be an easy task.

This was when all the kind peoples stopped us to ask us if we were honeymooners.

Silly foreign peoples.

Don’t they understand that gringas get cranky when they have not eaten.

We get to our hotel.

It is grand and glorious.

I kid you not.

After a very confusing check-in procedure, they slap on our all-inclusive bracelets and send us on our way.

Food!

This means we can eat!

But, wait.

We must get stopped again.

And now, dear readers, I present to you:

Our Conversation with the 9th person to stop and ask us this very question on this hungry, hungry day:

“Hola, honeymooners!  Welcome!”

“No, no.  Not our honeymoon.”

“What!?  Why are you here?”

“Anniversary.”

“Bien!  Bien! Verde muchos los tortillas muy bienvenidos!”

Interruption:  I am simply making stuff up here.

Reminder:  Me no habla espanol and me no remember espanol

“Yes.  Our 10 year anniversary!”

“What!?  No, no no!  How old are you, sir?”

“29”

And, no.

He does not care how old I am.

“You look so young, Senor!  I am 31 and have one bambino.”

Interruption:  100 (meaningless) points to anyone who can tell me what the Spanish word for baby is.

I went with bambino.

You go with your gut.

“We have four bambinos!”

“What?  No!”

“Yes!”

“Tell me, Senors, are you going on any tours while in Cancun?

I would like to tour one of your fine restaurants, Senor Blabs-a-Lot.

“Um . . . maybe?”

“Well, if you book it with the hotel, you can receive 60%off the tour price!  Does that sound good?  No?”

“Yeah.  Sounds great!”

“Ok.  What time you want to come for meeting tomorrow?  8:30?  9:30?”

“Um . . . .”

“Just quick presentation for 90 minutes.  You just listen.  Then you get discount.  You have credit card?”

Danger, Lumberjack!  Danger!  I sense a scheme!

“Yes.”

“Visa?  Mastercard?”

“Um . . . Mastercard?”

“Muy bien!  Muy bien!  Ok.  You leave me deposit of five U.S. dollars and if you come back you can have them back.”

Hmmm . . . .I am thinking he is related to that King of Nigeria who is always emailing me.

“Alright.  Here you go.”

Yes. 

The Lumberjack handed him 5 $1 bills.

No.

I did not try to talk him out of it.

I was too hungry to care.

“Wonderful!  Bien!  Fajitas! Anaranjado!  And if you need anything else you come find me, no?”

“Ok, sounds good!”

Can we eat now?  Me no eat since 0400.

“My name is Waaaaaaaalllllllll-Do . . . ok?”

“Ok?”

“You know.   Like funny American cartoon man with stripey shirt?  Where am I?  Where did I go?”

“Waldo!  Right!  Ok, Waldo!  See you later!”

“Si!  Waldo!  Ok.  One more thing Senor.  Can I call you in the morning to remind you about your presentation?”

“Sure.”

“Wonderful!  Miercoles! Frijoles!  Adios!”

Now, folks.

It is the moment we have been waiting for.

Dinner.

Oh.

My.

Good.

Ness.

Do not put a starving girl in front of a delicious all you can eat buffet and tell her it is free.

And then don’t tell her there is also a menu she can order off of for free.

And please, please, have mercy upon her jeans and do not inform her that she can also order room service any time she would like.

For free.

It was a glorious meal.

And I ate.

A lot.

***

We go to the secret presentation meeting place where we are certain to be scammed.

No Waldo.

Where’s Waldo!?

Oh, I crack myself up.

A kind lady who seems up to par with Waldo’s shennanigans leads us to a secret waiting room.

Where we wait.

Then we have to follow a man named Carlos into the restaurant.

I like Carlos.

Carlos gets me.

Carlos:  Please.  Eat your breakfast.  I wait presentation for you.

Sounds good, Carlos.

Sounds good.

Carlos:  You like this place, no?

Us:  Yes!  It is very nice!

Carlos:  And you like hotel, no?

Us:  Lovely!

Carlos:  Tell me.  Just how important is travel to you.  And do not consider money.

Mayday!  Mayday!

Us:  Um . . . well, we like it.  It is hard to go.  It gets expensive-

Carlos:  No!  Don’t consider money!

Well, Carlos.

I do not appreciate your tone.

LJ (Lumberjack.  Keep up!):  It is very important.

Carlos:  That is what I thought.  Where do you want to go in this life?

Us:  Um . . . .

I want to go to the beach.

Carlos:  Europe?  Australia?  Hawaii?

LJ:  Maybe Alaska?

Carlos: Hmm . . . .but also Europe?

LJ:  Ok.

Carlos:  My job is to guarantee you 50 years worth of vacations.  Would you like to go on vacations for 50 years?

Us:  Um . . . .

Carlos:  It does not matter to me where you go.  Hawaii?  Italy?  It is your problem.  You want to go to Disneyland?  It is your problem.  Not mine.

Ha!  My problem!  He kept saying that!  Love it!

Next, Carlos leads us to a secret pyramid located in our hotel.

Only the extraordinary members of this special and elite club are eligible to stay in this pyramid.

He shows us rooms that have kitchens and living rooms and hot tubs in them.

They are divine.

They are exquisite.

They are expensive.

Carlos leads us back to a secret club meeting room full of other potential club members.

Carlos has been studying us this whole time.

And Carlos has come up with the perfect vacation plan package for us.

And guess what!?

It is only $78,000 US dollars!

Amazing!

But, wait!

It gets better!

We only need to come up with $38,000 right now and then we can make monthly payments of $1800 from now until eternity.

I can see why they are offering us this package.

Clearly, we are . . .

Upper Class.

But, wait!

There’s even more!

Everytime somebody else in that room joined this club, they would all cheer and pop open a bottle of champagne.

And this happened at least 3 times while we were in there.

Who are these people?

What do these people do?

Who can afford this stuff?

Where’s Waldo?

Sadly, we had to break it to Carlos, that no, we cannot afford his vacation plan.

Carlos was a nice guy.

We felt bad that he wasted his time on us.

We held our heads up high, walked past the gloating rich peoples sipping their champagne, and collected our 5 $1 bills.

And did we get our discount on the tour?

You better believe it.

We did not sit through 2 hours of humiliation for nothing.

We milked that presentation for all it was worth.

Then we slapped on some bathing suits and relaxed.

Then we ate.

Then we relaxed.

Then we ate.

Then we relaxed.

Then we ordered nachos by the pool.

Because they were free.

Then we relaxed.

Then we ate.

And then it was time to eat again.

And that, my friends, concludes the retelling of  Saturday and Sunday.

Remember . . . our trip lasted through the next Saturday.

Aren’t you glad I am dragging this out so much?

You’re welcome.

De Nada!

Bibliotecha!

Leche!

Fresa!

 

Alright.

So, we boarded the plane and no arrests were made.

(Confused?  Click here to catch up!)

We made our travel arrangements through Book It.com and the airline they chose for us was United.

And we had the pleasure of watching this safety video for the first of many, many, many times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tmi0Bd4eHs

Yes.

You need to click on that link.

Why?

Because you need to tell me what on earth that lady has on her neck?

What is it’s purpose?

It looks like she stole Amelia Earhart’s flying goggles and strapped them sideways on her neck.

I got real tired of seeing them goggles.

Or maybe it is a ribbon?

Or some other sort of fashionable accessory?

And don’t even get me started on safety guy’s weird multi-colored facial hair.

Boy, I bet you feel left out if you didn’t click on that link.

I told you to do it.

You only have yourselves to blame.

Also, United Airlines invited me to join them on Twitter.

Well, first of all, I don’t understand Twitter.

And, second of all, no.

Now, I did start enjoying my flight when they started showing episodes of The Office and Frasier!

Now that is flying.

When we finally made it to Cancun, we had to wait in line at customs for 2 entire hours.

And I had not eaten lunch.

These sorts of things make me cranky.

We finally made it through all the rigamaroo and we tried to leave the airport.

But, no.

That would not be an easy task.

This was when all the kind peoples stopped us to ask us if we were honeymooners.

Silly foreign peoples.

Don’t they understand that gringas get cranky when they have not eaten.

We get to our hotel.

It is grand and glorious.

I kid you not.

After a very confusing check-in procedure, they slap on our all-inclusive bracelets and send us on our way.

Food!

This means we can eat!

But, wait.

We must get stopped again.

And now, dear readers, I present to you:

Our Conversation with the 9th person to stop and ask us this very question on this hungry, hungry day:

“Hola, honeymooners!  Welcome!”

“No, no.  Not our honeymoon.”

“What!?  Why are you here?”

“Anniversary.”

“Bien!  Bien! Verde muchos los tortillas muy bienvenidos!”

Interruption:  I am simply making stuff up here.

Reminder:  Me no habla espanol and me no remember espanol

“Yes.  Our 10 year anniversary!”

“What!?  No, no no!  How old are you, sir?”

“29”

And, no.

He does not care how old I am.

“You look so young, Senor!  I am 31 and have one bambino.”

Interruption:  100 (meaningless) points to anyone who can tell me what the Spanish word for baby is.

I went with bambino.

You go with your gut.

“We have four bambinos!”

“What?  No!”

“Yes!”

“Tell me, Senors, are you going on any tours while in Cancun?

I would like to tour one of your fine restaurants, Senor Blabs-a-Lot.

“Um . . . maybe?”

“Well, if you book it with the hotel, you can receive 60%off the tour price!  Does that sound good?  No?”

“Yeah.  Sounds great!”

“Ok.  What time you want to come for meeting tomorrow?  8:30?  9:30?”

“Um . . . .”

“Just quick presentation for 90 minutes.  You just listen.  Then you get discount.  You have credit card?”

Danger, Lumberjack!  Danger!  I sense a scheme!

“Yes.”

“Visa?  Mastercard?”

“Um . . . Mastercard?”

“Muy bien!  Muy bien!  Ok.  You leave me deposit of five U.S. dollars and if you come back you can have them back.”

Hmmm . . . .I am thinking he is related to that King of Nigeria who is always emailing me.

“Alright.  Here you go.”

Yes. 

The Lumberjack handed him 5 $1 bills.

No.

I did not try to talk him out of it.

I was too hungry to care.

“Wonderful!  Bien!  Fajitas! Anaranjado!  And if you need anything else you come find me, no?”

“Ok, sounds good!”

Can we eat now?  Me no eat since 0400.

“My name is Waaaaaaaalllllllll-Do . . . ok?”

“Ok?”

“You know.   Like funny American cartoon man with stripey shirt?  Where am I?  Where did I go?”

“Waldo!  Right!  Ok, Waldo!  See you later!”

“Si!  Waldo!  Ok.  One more thing Senor.  Can I call you in the morning to remind you about your presentation?”

“Sure.”

“Wonderful!  Miercoles! Frijoles!  Adios!”

Now, folks.

It is the moment we have been waiting for.

Dinner.

Oh.

My.

Good.

Ness.

Do not put a starving girl in front of a delicious all you can eat buffet and tell her it is free.

And then don’t tell her there is also a menu she can order off of for free.

And please, please, have mercy upon her jeans and do not inform her that she can also order room service any time she would like.

For free.

It was a glorious meal.

And I ate.

A lot.

***

We go to the secret presentation meeting place where we are certain to be scammed.

No Waldo.

Where’s Waldo!?

Oh, I crack myself up.

A kind lady who seems up to par with Waldo’s shennanigans leads us to a secret waiting room.

Where we wait.

Then we have to follow a man named Carlos into the restaurant.

I like Carlos.

Carlos gets me.

Carlos:  Please.  Eat your breakfast.  I wait presentation for you.

Sounds good, Carlos.

Sounds good.

Carlos:  You like this place, no?

Us:  Yes!  It is very nice!

Carlos:  And you like hotel, no?

Us:  Lovely!

Carlos:  Tell me.  Just how important is travel to you.  And do not consider money.

Mayday!  Mayday!

Us:  Um . . . well, we like it.  It is hard to go.  It gets expensive-

Carlos:  No!  Don’t consider money!

Well, Carlos.

I do not appreciate your tone.

LJ (Lumberjack.  Keep up!):  It is very important.

Carlos:  That is what I thought.  Where do you want to go in this life?

Us:  Um . . . .

I want to go to the beach.

Carlos:  Europe?  Australia?  Hawaii?

LJ:  Maybe Alaska?

Carlos: Hmm . . . .but also Europe?

LJ:  Ok.

Carlos:  My job is to guarantee you 50 years worth of vacations.  Would you like to go on vacations for 50 years?

Us:  Um . . . .

Carlos:  It does not matter to me where you go.  Hawaii?  Italy?  It is your problem.  You want to go to Disneyland?  It is your problem.  Not mine.

Ha!  My problem!  He kept saying that!  Love it!

Next, Carlos leads us to a secret pyramid located in our hotel.

Only the extraordinary members of this special and elite club are eligible to stay in this pyramid.

He shows us rooms that have kitchens and living rooms and hot tubs in them.

They are divine.

They are exquisite.

They are expensive.

Carlos leads us back to a secret club meeting room full of other potential club members.

Carlos has been studying us this whole time.

And Carlos has come up with the perfect vacation plan package for us.

And guess what!?

It is only $78,000 US dollars!

Amazing!

But, wait!

It gets better!

We only need to come up with $38,000 right now and then we can make monthly payments of $1800 from now until eternity.

I can see why they are offering us this package.

Clearly, we are . . .

Upper Class.

But, wait!

There’s even more!

Everytime somebody else in that room joined this club, they would all cheer and pop open a bottle of champagne.

And this happened at least 3 times while we were in there.

Who are these people?

What do these people do?

Who can afford this stuff?

Where’s Waldo?

Sadly, we had to break it to Carlos, that no, we cannot afford his vacation plan.

Carlos was a nice guy.

We felt bad that he wasted his time on us.

We held our heads up high, walked past the gloating rich peoples sipping their champagne, and collected our 5 $1 bills.

And did we get our discount on the tour?

You better believe it.

We did not sit through 2 hours of humiliation for nothing.

We milked that presentation for all it was worth.

Then we slapped on some bathing suits and relaxed.

Then we ate.

Then we relaxed.

Then we ate.

Then we relaxed.

Then we ordered nachos by the pool.

Because they were free.

Then we relaxed.

Then we ate.

And then it was time to eat again.

And that, my friends, concludes the retelling of  Saturday and Sunday.

Remember . . . our trip lasted through the next Saturday.

Aren’t you glad I am dragging this out so much?

You’re welcome.

De Nada!

Bibliotecha!

Leche!

Fresa!

 

Hello, everyone!

Thank you all for participating in my Neener Neener contest!

The winner, according to random.org, was Angela!

Angela, I will email you.

Congrats, Angela!

A $25 Starbucks giftcard is on its way to you!

*******

We returned late last night around 1 am.

I guess I should say we returned early this morning at 1 am.

But I won’t.

We had a lovely time, but started missing the kids by about Wednesday.

And it didn’t help then when we called home, the girls were crying saying how much they missed us.

And Little Dude was being a naughty tike.

And Handsome Dude had lost his glasses and his sister’s.

And Handsome Dude was covered head to toe in hives.

I decided the kids are too much a part of us now and life just isn’t the same without them.

We would just keeping commenting on which child would enjoy what and how much fun they would have.

*Breaking News*

The Lumberjack and I look fabulously young in Mexico.

Not so much in America.

But in Mexico . . . we look like we have discovered the Fountain of Youth.

We were stopped at least 12 times, because inquiring Mexicans needed to know:

“Hola! Are you honeymooners?”

“No, we are not.”

“What are you celebrating?”

“Our anniversary! 10 years!”

“No!  You are too young!”

“Oh, thanks!  But, really. . .10 years!”

“No!  How old are you?”

“29.”

Interruption:  They would only ask the Lumberjack how old he was.

Apparently, my age was trivial.

Well, Mexico.

That’s sexual harassment.

And I don’t have to take it.

“And I’m 28!”

I would not be left out.

“Muy bien!  Muy bien!  Very young!”

And that exact conversation repeated itself at least 12 times.

I mean, just look at us:

A couple of spring chickens, I tell you.

*sigh*

Boy, did we have some trouble with the language barrier.

We wanted to ask kind passersbys if they could help us out and take our picture.

But, alas.

We could never find anyone who spoke English.

And, even if they looked like they could speak English, they usually didn’t.

And we no habla espanol.

So, we sat down and had a long talk with our camera’s self-timer function.

Because, apparently, we feel that will be easier than trying to communicate with the other humans nearby.

My, oh my!

Aren’t I a bonita chica?

Win!

Oh, wait.

My eyes are closed.

Fail.

First, let me inform you that our goal was to show the beautiful blue water and us in color at the same time.

Clearly, it was not working out for us.

Clearly.

What am I wearing?

Why, I am glad you asked!

I have always been a trend setter, you know.

Let’s see . . .

These photos were taken on Friday, day 6.

So, I want everyone to take into account that fact that we have had unlimited food and drinks accessible to us all day long at our fingertips for 6 straight days.

And, I like food.

I like it.  I like it, a lot.

(Name that movie.  It’s a tough one.  But I have faith in one of you.)

 

Oh, dear.

Something has gone dreadfully wrong with my post.

I cannot double space.

Nor, can I get it out of italics.

And I am too tired to care.

 

What was I talking about?

Oh, yes.

What I was wearing.

Well.

I was wearing a very loose, elastic-waist banded skirt.

White tank.

Blue tee.

Creme hoodie.

Flip flops.

Earrings.

 

Yes.

I am a fashion icon.

Drool if you must.

 

 

Oops.

 

 

Awesome.

 

 

 

Hmmmm . . . .

 

 

Well . . .

 

 

Okay.

 

That’s about enough of that.

 

Yes.

I am still typing in italics.

 

Deal with it.

Shoot.

I can’t center either.

 

Alright, starting tomorrow, I will recap our grand adventure day by day.

 

It will be full of excitement!

 

It will be full of adventure!

 

It will be full of

random locals giving the Lumberjack bunny ears.

 

Poor, Lumberjack.

Tis hard to look macho when a man wearing a necklace and has his eyebrow pierced is giving you bunny ears.

Happy Sunday!

 

P.S.- 100 (meaningless) points to anyone who can help me get this out of italics.

Yes.

I hit ctrl I.

Yes.

I hit ctrl I again.

Yes.

I hit the I button next to the B.

Yes.

I am an idiot.

 

Yes.

I get to go away and you don’t.

And to that, I say “Neener Neener.”

Listen:

Name that tv show.

HILarious.

Any-who . . .

Yes, I am leaving for Cancun, child-free, for one full week.

Crazy, I know.

And in celebration of that fact, I thought I would offer up a little giveaway.

My first giveaway, to be exact.

This will be my 198th published post.

Shoot.

So close to 200.

I do, in fact, have 268 total posts.

Velly Intellesting.

(Name that blogger)

Yes.

I have several previously published posts from the days of yore (like last June and July) when I used to use my family’s actual names.

Unfortunately, I had a breach in security and had to pull the plug on the blog for a bit.

So, the only people who probably read those posts were the 4 people who read my blog back then.

And I knew exactly who they were:  Melissa, Sharyl, Lani, and Jessy.

Hi, girls!

Thanks for being such dedicated readers!

Don’t be jealous of my 4 readers, dear friends.

Jessy, Melissa, and Sharyl are of the same kin.

And Lani is my friend.

So no need to be jealous over my fame.

You’ll get your 4 dedicated readers someday, too.

All in good time, my dears.

All in good time.

And, I am quite certain Jessy hasn’t read this blog since October-ish.

She may have gotten sick of me.

What?!

I know.

Hard to believe.

I am thinking that I might need new material?

Jessy?

Jessy?

Yes.

I fear I’ve lost Jessy.

100 (meaningless) points to anyone who can find Jessy and bring her back.

The Lumberjack’s Wife leaves no man behind.

Anyways, I was trying to make it to my 200th published post and do a combination of a “200th post celebration” and a “Neener Neener I get to go on vacation and you don’t” kind of giveaway.

But 198th sounds good, too.

Now, don’t be expecting some elaborate giveaway prize.

PUH-lease.

I am, however, offering a $25 giftcard to Starbucks.

Holla!

And I am offering ways for you to get multiple entries.

Cause I’m awesome like that.

Leave a comment for each one you are eligible for:

1)  Just a comment for your first entry.  This can be about whatever you wish.

Can’t think of anything to talk about?

Rhode Island is neither a road or an island.

Discuss.

(Name that actor)

2)  Give yourself an extra entry if you follow me or start following me in any form (Facebook, a reader, email subscription,  etc)

3)  Give yourself an extra entry if you have shared or are willing to share this blog with a friend (just pass along the link or you could blog about it)

Really.

The choice is yours.

4)  Give yourself an extra entry if you have me or are putting me on your blogroll.

5)  Give yourself an extra entry if you can name any of my little “Name that ______” questions.

This contest is open from now until Saturday, February 27th, 2010.

 I will announce the winner sometime on Sunday, February 28th.

And on that note . . .

Goodbye!

Farewell!

I will miss you!

Later, dudes and dudettes!