On Thursday, I wrote a post called, “Last Valentine’s Day.”
You remember.
The one where I learned my husband has taken several animal bodies to the dump?
Well, in the aforementioned post, I included a picture of my parents.
And I told you that the story behind that picture was a story for another day.
Guess what?
Today is that day.
So, my parent’s were on this cruise for their 30th wedding anniversary.
Yikes!
They are old.
Anyways, as some of you might be aware, when you are on a cruise, you have the option to do little excursions.
Now, I was obviously not there.
No.
They left me and my man behind so we (and when I say we, I mean he) could throw away the carcass of their dog.
What are kids for?
So, of course, I will be taking liberties with this story.
I would guess that about 42% of is factual.
Enjoy.
*********
(My parents names are Grant and Connie)
Grant: We should pick out an excursion.
Connie: Yes! We should definitely do that, pal.
Interruption: I am certain that my parents are never romantic with one another.
They are just super good friends.
Because that is simply too weird to think about.
And wrong.
Do not inform me otherwise.
I do not wish to know.
Thank you.
Grant: Well, what sounds good to you, buddy?
They looked through the catalog.
Scuba diving? No.
Parasailing? No.
Rock climbing.? Definitely not.
Jeep ride through the country side? Now we’re talkin’.
Connie: Dear friend, we should try this Jeep ride through the country side!
Grant: Great idea!
Connie: It is perfect. I mean, you own a Jeep. We like Jeeps! And it is probably air-conditioned!
Grant: Yes. I am sure it has air-conditioning and hopefully satellite radio. Just like my Jeep.
Connie: Let’s just hope it has leather interior.
Grant: Of course, buddy ol’ pal! Great idea! Let’s do it!
And then they high-fived.
The next day, they showed up for their exciting adventure.
And much to their surprise, this was the kind of Jeep they were given:
And this is the kind of Jeep my dad owns:
Now, you must know a few things about my parents before we continue:
1) They do NOT like to get dirty. Ever. My dad sometimes showers 2-3 times a day.
2) My mom does NOT like her hair to get messed up.
3) My mom does NOT like her makeup to get messed up.
4) Both of them loathe wrinkles in their clothes.
Wrinkles are the devil.
Starch spray is their friend.
5) My mom blow dries her hair while camping.
6) She probably irons her undies
7) They both greatly dislike being hot.
8) They are not ever daring or adventuresome.
9) Anyone who is daring or adventuresome is a “clown”
10) They always high-five each other before bed. They never kiss.
Because they are my parents.
And that would be gross.
So, they show up for their excursion, freshly showered, make-up’d, blow-dried, and ironed.
Ready for their air-conditioned ride through the country side.
Instead they are shown this Jeep:
They are paired up with another young couple.
Who, as you may have guessed, would later be dubbed “clowns.”
And they are given bandanas to keep the dust out of their mouths.
Oh, perfect!
And they paid for this!
So, they get in the Jeep.
My dad volunteers to drive . . . as to avoid any “clownish-ness.”
There is no, I repeat, there is no air conditioning.
Or Satellite radio.
Or any radio.
They get covered in dust.
They get drenched in mud.
They visit a tequila factory.
They have a lovely picnic at the beach.
Then they turn around.
They get drenched in mud again.
They get covered in dust.
They removed their bandanas
And went back to their rooms and took showers.
After which, I am sure they blow-dried, flat-ironed, make-up’d, and clothes-ironed.
And then they high-fived and went to dinner.
The End.
Who knew?!
My poor Dad had a minor surgery yesterday.
When he was all fixed up, mother drove him home where he rested and slept the day away.
Apparently, he woke up just long enough to catch up on my blog.
Now, my dad is not a chatty person.
You could sit at the dinner table with him and he would utter not one syllable during the entire course of the meal.
Road trips=no talking
Taking a walk=no talking
Sitting with him in the living room=no talking and quite often, he will just fall asleep in the presence of your company.
Why am I cursed with men who fall asleep while I am attempting to have a conversation with them?
Yes.
Both my husband and my father will fall asleep during any sort of communication with me.
So sad.
And it is for that very reason that I love this blog so much.
I can talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.
And if you fall asleep, fine.
So be it.
But I won’t ever know.
Now, my mother is a chatty girl like me.
And there have been times where she feels a little dismayed by my father’s lack of communication.
It’s not that he doesn’t love her.
It’s not that he doesn’t care.
He just doesn’t chat.
I don’t know why.
He just doesn’t.
But, I am happy to announce that I, yes I, have discovered the key to unlocking my father’s hidden gift of gab.
It’s a 10-step process:
1) Drive him to the hospital
2) Sign him up for a minor surgical procedure, preferably one in which they would administer anesthesia.
3) Take him home.
4) Make him rest all day.
5) Get him good and bored.
6) Better throw in a few painkillers.
7) Arrange for there to be nothing good on t.v. This will force him to surf the web.
8) Hope he finds my blog.
9) Hope he reads the one and only post where I knock his favorite movie, “Blazing Saddles”
10) Sit back and read the secret stories and adventures that are hidden deep within this man.
Now, dear readers, this is not the first comment my dad has left on my blog.
No.
The first comment he left was in response to my joke about his 2-song IPod.
His response?
“Hey! Back off! I have well over 100 songs on my IPod now.”
Yes, Dad.
100 songs is a ridiculous amount of songs for an IPod you have owned over two years.
But, I digress . . .
Until this very moment, I knew of only two memories my father has from his childhood:
1) During his childhood, it was his dream to play the accordion. His loving parents signed him up for lessons. He had to give it up because his little 9-year-old body was too weak to hold up said accordion.
2) His most favorite treat in his lunch pail? A hot yam wrapped in foil.
Yes, folks.
That is all I knew about my Dad from the years before he met my mother.
But now, that has all changed.
And now, without further ado, I would like to present to you:
This Week’s Comment of the Week
written by . . . you guessed it . . . my dad.
(He is commenting on my post, Goober Taylor Update)
“IN 1974,WHEN I WAS 16, I ALONG WITH YOUR UNCLE GREG,HIS FIANCEE, LAURA AND HER SISTER LORRINE WENT TO SEE BLAZING SADDLES. I THINK GREG AND LAURA WERE TRYING TO “FIX”ME UP WITH LORRINE AT THE TIME. WELL, THAT NEVER GOT OFF THE GROUND AND EVENTUALLY GREG AN LAURA FIZZLED OUT.
I COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT MOVIE. IT WAS THE BEST. THE FOLLWING WEEK I WENT WITH A COUPLE OF HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS TO SEE IT AGAIN. BUT MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MY LIFE WAS THE FOLLOWING WEEK WHEN I TOOK YOUR AUNTS SHIRLEY AND GWEN TO SEE BLAZING SADDLES.
THIS WAS PAYBACK! THEY WOULD DRAG ME OUT TO SEE ART FLICKS AND FOREIGN MOVIES WITH SUB TITLES. ONCE, I GOT TO SEE A DOUBLE FEATURE. THE OPENING MOVIE WAS GODZILLA VS BAMBI. THIS MOVIE LASTED 30 SECONDS AND WAS ANIMATED. GODZILLA CRUSHES BAMBI BY STEPPING ON HER. THAT WAS THE MOVIE. THE CREDITS LASTED 15 MINUTES.
I HAD A LOT OF FUN DRIVING UP TO THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY TO GO TO THESE MOVIES. SOMETIMES, GWEN’S FRIEND MARSHA WOULD GO AS WELL. ONE OCCASION, WE DECIDED TO MEET AT THE MOVIES IN WESTWOOD-A TRENDY SPOT IN LA. ANYWAY, TRYING TO FIND A PARKING SPOT, A LADY IN A 10 YEAR OLD PEUGEOT WANTED THE SAME SPACE AS ME. SO I KINDLY LET HER HAVE IT. WHEN SHE GOT OUT HER CAR, SHE RUSHED OVER TO THANK ME. IT WAS CLORIS LEACHMAN AN ACTRESS. ALL I KEPT THINKING WAS THAT WOW, I HAVE A NICER CAR THAN CLORIS LEACHMAN. ANOTHER TIME ON MY WAY HOME I WAS CRUSING DOWN THE HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY LISTENING TO ROAD FOOD BY THE GUESS WHO IN MY CAR. SIDE NOTE HERE, I HAD CASSETTE TAPES WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IN MY FAMILY HAD 8 TRACK….I WAS ALWAYS AHEAD OF THE CURVE. ANYWAY BACK TO MY RIDE HOME. PASSING ME BY IN BLACK ROLLS ROYCE WAS JAMES COLBURN. AND ALL I THOUGHT WAS WOW, JAMES COLBURN HAS A NICER CAR THAN ME.
MOVIES WERE A BIG PART OF OUR LIVES BACK IN THOSE DAYS. WHEN JAWS CAME OUT, SUE HANK AND MOM WENT TO SEE IT. BIG MISTAKE! THE NEXT DAY I WAS ON MY WAY HOME AND THE OCEAN WAS A LITTLE ROUGH BUT I REALLY WANTED TO TAKE THE BOAT OVER TO THE QUEEN MARY, SO I GOT HOME MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING READY TO GO SOMEPLACE AND MOM ASKS ME IF I HAVE ANY PLANS. HERE IS OUR CONVERSATION
ME I AM GOING TO THE QUEEN MARY
MOM PLEASE DON’T
ME WHY?
MOM IT’S NOT SAFE
ME MOM, THERE IS NO 25′ SHARK OUT
THERE WAITING TO EAT ME.
MOM PLEASE DONT GO. I WILL WORRY.
ME FINE. I’LL WALK DOWN TO THE
BEACH
MOM JUST DON’T GO NEAR THE WATER
WHEN JAWS 2 CAME OUT I MADE EVERYONE PROMISE NOT TO TAKE HER.
I COULD GO ON AND ON WITH ALL THIS AS A LOT OF GREAT TIMES ARE IN MY HEAD AT THIS MOMENT. AROUND THIS TIME I MET A LOVELY GIRL WHO I MARRIED . SPEAKING OF YOUR MOTHER, SHE TOOK ME TO SEE “ITS COMPLICATED” LAST WEEKEND. THAT TOO REQUIRES PAYBACK.
I HAVE ALWAYS LIKED BLAZZING SADDLES.
SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BRING IT UP?”
***
Holy Raviolis!
My Dad!
He has . . . he has a past!
Who knew?
And . . . he is funny!
Who knew?!
Yes, Dad.
When it comes to all things technological . . .
you most certainly are, as you put it, “ahead of the curve.”
Dad.
You should share more often.
You are an interesting guy.
And, apparently, there is so much more to you than accordions and yams . . .
Who knew?!
P.S.- Does not Little Dude take after my dad?
P.P.S- I love you, Dad!
100 (meaningless) points to anyone who knows that a Peugeot is.
200 (meaningless) points to anyone who knows who Cloris Leachman is.
300 (meaningless) points to anyone knows what the Queen Mary is.
400 (meaningless) points to anyone who can figure out what kind of car my dad drove.
Hint: According to him, it is better than a Peugeot.
Later, Dudes!
Happy Saturday!
Adios!