Handsome Dude’s Schedule:
*Wake up, if possible by 5:45am
*Climb out of crib and quickly flip on light to alert Little Dude that morning has broken
*Make as much noise as possible with Little Dude
*Do not be quiet until I receive my morning milk
*Ask Mom where Dad is
*Ask Mom for more milk
*Mom said no
*Cry
*Ask Mom where my glasses are.
*Cry
*Wait until the last minute to tell Mom I need to go potty
*Freak out, dance in place, cry . . . then pee
*Better pee a little on the floor, too
*Ask mom for a t.v. show. Act manly. Then, throw a fit when it is not “Barney”
*Sing and dance with Barney
*Sneak upstairs to my sisters’ room while mom thinks she is taking a peaceful shower
*Run like a crazy, insane person all around sisters’ room
*Knock over their mirror
*Hide from Mom, who is wet and angry
*Ask Mom where Dad is.
*Time for breakfast!
*Feed toast to Mabel from right under the table
*Put leftover’s on Little Dude’s tray so mom thinks I ate breakfast like a good boy
*Bath time!
*Repeatedly inform Mom, Sweet Pea, Daisy Mae, and Little Dude that I will no longer poopy in the bath
*Time to get dressed!
*Insist that I dress myself
*Put all clothes on backwards
*Refuse help
*Throw a fit
*Demand help
*Pretend to look for glasses
*Tell Mom I don’t know where my glasses are
*Get in Mom’s truck to take sisters to school
*Ask Mom where Dad is
*Ask Mom if we can take Dad’s truck instead
*Insist we listen to “One, Two Buckle My Shoe” the entire ride
*Cry because I can’t go to school
*Return home
*Get out every toy I possibly can find
*Decide I need a back rub. Enlist Little Dude’s help.
*Return the favor
*Wait until the last minute to tell Mom I need to go potty
*Freak out, dance in place, cry . . . then pee
*Better pee a little on the floor, too
*Request a snack
*Ask Mom where my glasses are
*Ask Mom where Dad is
*Ask Mom for more snacks
*Cry
*Time to pick up Daisy Mae! Truck ride! Woo Hoo!
*Insist we listen to “One, Two Buckle My Shoe” the entire ride
*Back home! Lunch time!
*Get out of chair and dance with Daisy Mae
*Get in trouble from Mom
*Get out of chair and run with Daisy Mae
*Get in trouble from Mom
*Give food to Little Dude
*Get in trouble from Mom
*Ask Mom where Dad is
*Insist that I wash my face all by myself
*Show Mom how good I did
*Play upstairs in Daisy Mae’s room
*Decide I thoroughly enjoy baby dolls now
*Wonder why Mom keeps telling me I need to find my glasses
*Wait until the last minute to tell Mom I need to go potty
*Freak out, dance in place, cry . . . then pee
*Better pee a little on the floor, too
*Demand silence for my sleeping baby
*Remind myself just how manly I truly am
*Request that Little Dude reads me and my awesome baby a book
(Name that book and author)
*Nap Time! Wonder why Mom is so happy
*Time to wake up
*Protest having to wake up
*Demand after-nap milk
*Get in Mom’s truck to pick up Sweet Pea
*Ask Mom if we can take Dad’s truck instead.
*Insist we listen to “One, Two Buckle My Shoe” the entire ride
*Return home. Get out every toy possible.
*Fight with Little Dude over the same truck
*Ask Mom where my glasses are
*Wait until the last minute to tell Mom I need to go potty
*Freak out, dance in place, cry . . . then pee
*Better pee a little on the floor, too
*Run around the house like a crazy, insane person
*Cheer and clap and cheer and clap when I see Dad’s work van
*Immediately jump on Dad’s back and remain on him for the entire rest of the evening . . .
like so:
*Ask Dad where my glasses are
*Dinner time! Why does this woman keep insisting that I eat?
*Throw a fit
*Eat
*Throw a fit
*Eat
*Pretend to almost throw up
*Eat
*Help clear the table
*Throw all dishes as hard as I can into the sink
*Play with trucks
*Wait until the last minute to tell Mom I need to go potty
*Freak out, dance in place, cry . . . then pee
*Better pee a little on the floor, too
*Play with trains
*Play with trucks
*Insist I put my pajamas on all by myself
*Put pajamas on backwards
*Refuse help
*Throw a fit
*Demand help
*Brush teeth
*Smear toothpaste on couch
*Kiss everyone good night
*Jump on Dad’s back and get a free ride upstairs
*Say prayers
*Good night!
Who knew?!
My poor Dad had a minor surgery yesterday.
When he was all fixed up, mother drove him home where he rested and slept the day away.
Apparently, he woke up just long enough to catch up on my blog.
Now, my dad is not a chatty person.
You could sit at the dinner table with him and he would utter not one syllable during the entire course of the meal.
Road trips=no talking
Taking a walk=no talking
Sitting with him in the living room=no talking and quite often, he will just fall asleep in the presence of your company.
Why am I cursed with men who fall asleep while I am attempting to have a conversation with them?
Yes.
Both my husband and my father will fall asleep during any sort of communication with me.
So sad.
And it is for that very reason that I love this blog so much.
I can talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.
And if you fall asleep, fine.
So be it.
But I won’t ever know.
Now, my mother is a chatty girl like me.
And there have been times where she feels a little dismayed by my father’s lack of communication.
It’s not that he doesn’t love her.
It’s not that he doesn’t care.
He just doesn’t chat.
I don’t know why.
He just doesn’t.
But, I am happy to announce that I, yes I, have discovered the key to unlocking my father’s hidden gift of gab.
It’s a 10-step process:
1) Drive him to the hospital
2) Sign him up for a minor surgical procedure, preferably one in which they would administer anesthesia.
3) Take him home.
4) Make him rest all day.
5) Get him good and bored.
6) Better throw in a few painkillers.
7) Arrange for there to be nothing good on t.v. This will force him to surf the web.
8) Hope he finds my blog.
9) Hope he reads the one and only post where I knock his favorite movie, “Blazing Saddles”
10) Sit back and read the secret stories and adventures that are hidden deep within this man.
Now, dear readers, this is not the first comment my dad has left on my blog.
No.
The first comment he left was in response to my joke about his 2-song IPod.
His response?
“Hey! Back off! I have well over 100 songs on my IPod now.”
Yes, Dad.
100 songs is a ridiculous amount of songs for an IPod you have owned over two years.
But, I digress . . .
Until this very moment, I knew of only two memories my father has from his childhood:
1) During his childhood, it was his dream to play the accordion. His loving parents signed him up for lessons. He had to give it up because his little 9-year-old body was too weak to hold up said accordion.
2) His most favorite treat in his lunch pail? A hot yam wrapped in foil.
Yes, folks.
That is all I knew about my Dad from the years before he met my mother.
But now, that has all changed.
And now, without further ado, I would like to present to you:
This Week’s Comment of the Week
written by . . . you guessed it . . . my dad.
(He is commenting on my post, Goober Taylor Update)
“IN 1974,WHEN I WAS 16, I ALONG WITH YOUR UNCLE GREG,HIS FIANCEE, LAURA AND HER SISTER LORRINE WENT TO SEE BLAZING SADDLES. I THINK GREG AND LAURA WERE TRYING TO “FIX”ME UP WITH LORRINE AT THE TIME. WELL, THAT NEVER GOT OFF THE GROUND AND EVENTUALLY GREG AN LAURA FIZZLED OUT.
I COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT MOVIE. IT WAS THE BEST. THE FOLLWING WEEK I WENT WITH A COUPLE OF HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS TO SEE IT AGAIN. BUT MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MY LIFE WAS THE FOLLOWING WEEK WHEN I TOOK YOUR AUNTS SHIRLEY AND GWEN TO SEE BLAZING SADDLES.
THIS WAS PAYBACK! THEY WOULD DRAG ME OUT TO SEE ART FLICKS AND FOREIGN MOVIES WITH SUB TITLES. ONCE, I GOT TO SEE A DOUBLE FEATURE. THE OPENING MOVIE WAS GODZILLA VS BAMBI. THIS MOVIE LASTED 30 SECONDS AND WAS ANIMATED. GODZILLA CRUSHES BAMBI BY STEPPING ON HER. THAT WAS THE MOVIE. THE CREDITS LASTED 15 MINUTES.
I HAD A LOT OF FUN DRIVING UP TO THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY TO GO TO THESE MOVIES. SOMETIMES, GWEN’S FRIEND MARSHA WOULD GO AS WELL. ONE OCCASION, WE DECIDED TO MEET AT THE MOVIES IN WESTWOOD-A TRENDY SPOT IN LA. ANYWAY, TRYING TO FIND A PARKING SPOT, A LADY IN A 10 YEAR OLD PEUGEOT WANTED THE SAME SPACE AS ME. SO I KINDLY LET HER HAVE IT. WHEN SHE GOT OUT HER CAR, SHE RUSHED OVER TO THANK ME. IT WAS CLORIS LEACHMAN AN ACTRESS. ALL I KEPT THINKING WAS THAT WOW, I HAVE A NICER CAR THAN CLORIS LEACHMAN. ANOTHER TIME ON MY WAY HOME I WAS CRUSING DOWN THE HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY LISTENING TO ROAD FOOD BY THE GUESS WHO IN MY CAR. SIDE NOTE HERE, I HAD CASSETTE TAPES WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IN MY FAMILY HAD 8 TRACK….I WAS ALWAYS AHEAD OF THE CURVE. ANYWAY BACK TO MY RIDE HOME. PASSING ME BY IN BLACK ROLLS ROYCE WAS JAMES COLBURN. AND ALL I THOUGHT WAS WOW, JAMES COLBURN HAS A NICER CAR THAN ME.
MOVIES WERE A BIG PART OF OUR LIVES BACK IN THOSE DAYS. WHEN JAWS CAME OUT, SUE HANK AND MOM WENT TO SEE IT. BIG MISTAKE! THE NEXT DAY I WAS ON MY WAY HOME AND THE OCEAN WAS A LITTLE ROUGH BUT I REALLY WANTED TO TAKE THE BOAT OVER TO THE QUEEN MARY, SO I GOT HOME MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING READY TO GO SOMEPLACE AND MOM ASKS ME IF I HAVE ANY PLANS. HERE IS OUR CONVERSATION
ME I AM GOING TO THE QUEEN MARY
MOM PLEASE DON’T
ME WHY?
MOM IT’S NOT SAFE
ME MOM, THERE IS NO 25′ SHARK OUT
THERE WAITING TO EAT ME.
MOM PLEASE DONT GO. I WILL WORRY.
ME FINE. I’LL WALK DOWN TO THE
BEACH
MOM JUST DON’T GO NEAR THE WATER
WHEN JAWS 2 CAME OUT I MADE EVERYONE PROMISE NOT TO TAKE HER.
I COULD GO ON AND ON WITH ALL THIS AS A LOT OF GREAT TIMES ARE IN MY HEAD AT THIS MOMENT. AROUND THIS TIME I MET A LOVELY GIRL WHO I MARRIED . SPEAKING OF YOUR MOTHER, SHE TOOK ME TO SEE “ITS COMPLICATED” LAST WEEKEND. THAT TOO REQUIRES PAYBACK.
I HAVE ALWAYS LIKED BLAZZING SADDLES.
SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BRING IT UP?”
***
Holy Raviolis!
My Dad!
He has . . . he has a past!
Who knew?
And . . . he is funny!
Who knew?!
Yes, Dad.
When it comes to all things technological . . .
you most certainly are, as you put it, “ahead of the curve.”
Dad.
You should share more often.
You are an interesting guy.
And, apparently, there is so much more to you than accordions and yams . . .
Who knew?!
P.S.- Does not Little Dude take after my dad?
P.P.S- I love you, Dad!
100 (meaningless) points to anyone who knows that a Peugeot is.
200 (meaningless) points to anyone who knows who Cloris Leachman is.
300 (meaningless) points to anyone knows what the Queen Mary is.
400 (meaningless) points to anyone who can figure out what kind of car my dad drove.
Hint: According to him, it is better than a Peugeot.
Later, Dudes!
Happy Saturday!
Adios!