The Lumberjack's Wife

LD walked triumphantly out of my bathroom.

LD:  126!

Me:  126?

LD (beaming):  Yeah.  That’s how much I weigh.

Me:  Oh.  Is that good?

LD (still beaming):  Oh, yeah.

Me:  Cool.  What is your goal weight?

LD:  126.

Me:  Oh, so you are good with this weight and do not want to ever weigh more?

LD:  Yup.

And then he fixed himself a little snack.

Bless his heart.

***

Norma Jean Riley is over it.  She is completely done rearing four kittens and keeps trying to escape them.  She seeks refuge with me and pretends to not hear them meowing for her.

Yes.  I am now talking about my cat like she is a person.  What of it?

She tries to sneak around, but they find her.

Oh, yes.  They find her.

And they just start nursing off her, when she isn’t even laying down comfortably.  Finally, she gives up and lays down and lets them have at it.

And then she gives me this look.  And I have captioned this look the:

“I regret all my life choices” look.

Me:  Well, stop running around the neighborhood like a hussy.

Sometimes she jumps on my bed to hide from the children.  Normally, (and I say this only in case David is perchance reading this) animals are never allowed on our bed.  But she jumps up and gives me a little meow as if to say, “I need a break from those little blessings.”  And I can relate to her, seeing as how I also have four children, so I just nod at her in solidarity and allow her to seek refuge on our bed.

Today, for the first time ever, one of the kittens jumped up onto the bed and found her.  She was sitting up.  She looked at me.  And while she was sitting up, the kitten started nursing off of her, without even allowing her time to get into a proper nursing position.

Kids.  They are just, well, you know.

HD:  Mom.  Where is my jersey?

Me:  Haven’t seen it.

HD:  MOM.  IT IS BLUE.  I LEFT IT ON THE COUCH.

Me:  Why would you leave it on the couch?

HD:  MOM.  I NEED IT.

Me:  Sorry, bud.  I haven’t seen it.

HD:  I know you know where it is.

Me:  Nope.

HD:  Well, it’s not like KATE does my laundry.

What is happening?  How did I become his assistant in life who is supposed to keep track of his things and answer to such sass?

Solidarity, Norma Jean.  Solidarity.

***

Update:  David’s father was in the hospital for a few days, but he was discharged and now resting at home.    I sent him cow pictures to humor him, and he responded appropriately to humor me, so we are now basically texting best friends.

***

Not only did Babs recently have a calf:

But Hildy went and had herself a cow as well.

Jealous?

I was observing Hildy and calf and noticing that her calf seemed weak and he was laying in the same spot all the time.  The horses were also hovering around him, and the horses have been known to pick on weak calves.  This information will be important later.

***

Last night.

Last night was HIDEOUS.  Yes, hideous.  Mother is correct.  Sometimes you need to describe something as hideous, as hideous is the only adjective worthy of such a event as last night.

HIDEOUS.

1.  I had to go to parent teacher conferences for the three children at the private school.  I walked in and realized that I really didn’t know the names of their teachers.  So I walked up to each table and asked if they had any Maliblahblah children in their class.  Imagine my delight when they would smile and say, “Oh, yes!  We are so glad to have Hadley.  What a delight!”  And imagine my fear and trepidation when they would say, “Oh yes.  I have two boys with that last name.  Have a seat.”
2. One teacher was wondering if LD was adopted and I found that to be a weird and wild blast from the past, if any long time readers remember THAT whole ordeal.
3. LD is not adopted.  He is all mine.  Just like the other three.  I birthed four children.
4. The teachers were kind and seem to enjoy the boys.  One teacher mentioned that she finds LD to be, and I quote, “absolutely hilarious.”  I relayed this to David and we both agreed LD shall never know.  Because then he would take that and run with it and we would all see how quickly “hilarious” turned into “obnoxious”
5. So then I had to wait in town for HD’s basketball practice.  It was to conclude at NINE PM.  Like an hour after my bedtime.  I hung out with Grant and Connie Jo, my parents.  My mom fed me pizza and let me wear some of her jammies.
6. “Taylor.  You must wear these.  They feel like you are being wrapped in a warm hug.”
7.  “Yes, Ma.  They are cozy.”
8. “Taylor.  Walmart.  $9.96!”
9. I fell asleep in mother’s jammies and truly felt like I was sleeping in a warm hug.
10. I woke up around 8:30 and grabbed my clothes, got in the car wearing mother’s pajamas, picked up HD, and drove home.
11. I didn’t drive through McDonald’s for a milkshake, which, naturally, was child abuse according to poor HD, and I have no idea how much he had to run at practice.
12. I arrive to ye olde homestead at 10pm.  It appeared that the children had cooked much food but didn’t know it was customary to clean up after themselves, and David was fast asleep.  About two minutes after I arrived, Abbie and Charlie, our dogs, got in a fight.  Like the worst one ever.
13. It was so loud and awful.  It woke David up and even the TEEN GIRLS came up from the basement to see what was going on.  We could not get them apart.  David got bit.  At one point we got them separated and were trying to get Abbie into a kennel when Charlie broke free from whomever was holding her and went after Abbie again.  They bumped into a full length mirror I had taken off the wall and had propped up for whenever I get around to painting.  The mirror shattered and they continued to fight on top of broken glass.  David yelled for Hadley to put a couch cushion on them and lay on top and somehow that worked and we got them separated.  David, Abbie, and Charlie were all bleeding, the couch cushion had blood all over it and there was broken glass all over the ground.
14. As we were recovering from that ordeal, I went to the deck to check to see if the baby calf was in the same spot.  He was and no mama around.  David and I decide to go and check on him.  Please understand I am still in Connie Jo’s pajamas and it is 10:30 AT NIGHT.  Also, I must interject that I asked LD to clean the couch cushion and he chose a dirty old Magic Eraser without water and half-heartedly rubbed it around and called it good.
15. We try to pick up the calf and then Hildy decides to come.  She is acting funny and trying to lick him and get him to come with her, but he does not follow her.  We both notice that she doesn’t look like she has much milk in her udder at all.  She keeps trying to get the calf to follow but he won’t.  Then the horses came and started their bullying.  Hildy was upset and running around them and after about a half an hour of trying to get the calf to nurse or follow the mother, we brought him inside.
16. You may ask, “Taylor!  Why would you bring him inside?!”
17. Reader.  I don’t know.  David doesn’t know.  We just don’t know.  A winter storm was coming overnight and since the calf was not following its mother to the area where all the cows sleep at night, we were worried he would be left alone in the storm.  And then the horses were messing with him and also, and I cannot stress this enough, we really have no idea what to do.  Like ever.
18. David:  Hildy won’t take the calf back after this.

Me:  Shoot.  Let’s put him back then.

David:  No, he will die in the storm.

Me:  What do we do?

David:  I don’t know.  Feed him on a bottle for awhile and try to sell him when he is stronger.

Me:  What do we do about the dogs?

David:  Put one of them down.

Me: !

David: Or give one away.

Me:  !

David:  Taylor.  This can’t keep happening.

Me:  Well, I cannot give up Abbie.

David:  Ok.

Me:  And I love Charlie, too.  And Charlie is Hadley’s puppy.

David:  We will get her a new dog.

Me: !

In Summary:

1. The calf is in my laundry room.  It is not super interested in eating.  Hildy is mooing moos of great sorrow and lament, while being alone and in a snowstorm.
2. The girl dogs are currently separated and I literally have no idea what to do about them.
3. Norma keeps hiding from her kittens, and it is plum not working.
4. I have no idea what I am doing over here.

Happy Friday the 13th!

When I went Christmas shopping with Ma, she had the idea to do the artificial garland and white lights around the deck.  The garland was on sale and she and I concluded it was a smoking deal, and therefore and henceforth, David would not mind me spending money on it.

Ma:  Taylor.  You will need to fluff up the garland.

Me:  Ok.

Ma:  I can come and do it for you if you want to have me over.  It needs to be fluffed.

Me:  Ok.

Reader.  No one wants to really come over.  We live too far.  We are like outcasts out here.

World:  Due to Covid, we are asking people to stay home and not have people over.

Us:  Neat.

So, last weekend, I set the garland up.  It was freezing and I was distracted because the boys were using chainsaws and David was not supervising.  And me no likey.

Oh!  Apparently, one of the boys’ new chores is to traverse the lands, each brandishing a chainsaw, find dead trees, fell them, split them for firewood, and bring the firewood to the wood shed.

And they did it.  And they loved it.  And no one got hurt.

Anyways, I was losing daylight and I decided to put out the garland and lights and worry about fluffing later. Because it is not even Thanksgiving and no one comes to my house.

Ma saw a picture.

Ma called me.

Ma:  Taylor.  Who set up the garland on your deck?

Me (knowing EXACTLY where this is going):  Me.  I know I didn’t fluff it.  Didn’t think it was noticeable from the picture.

Ma:  Little bit.

Me:  I will fluff it later.

Ma:  You can do what you want.  I just think it looks a bit nicer fluffed.

Me:  Ok, Ma.

She probably told people my Christmas decorating was “hideous.”  And I would be ok with that, because, in my opinion, that would be the correct way to use the word, “hideous.”  As opposed to the sentence Ma spoke earlier, and I quote, “Now I can get rid of my hideous iPhone.”  Because she doesn’t think the iPhone is ugly.  She thinks it is confusing.  And hideous is a synonym for ugly and not confusing.  And I will stand by my feelings on that.

***

This blog is my way of recording my family memories, and I feel as though I did not thoroughly capture the “learning to drive” years with my teen girls.   So, over the next few weeks, and I am going to write a teen driving memory down.  And I shan’t tell you who is who.  For privacy and whatnot.

One teen took to driving quite naturally.

One teen did not.

Let’s talk about Teen Who Did Not.

One night, she was driving me home, but we were still in town.  She was approaching a red light.  She was not slowing down.

I had been working on my composure during driving with said teen.  She felt I freaked out too much and made her nervous.

Reader.  I did freak out a lot.  Because it was freaky driving with her.

Anyways.  I tried to stay quiet and “trust” that she knew what she was doing.

She was approaching the light, and not slowing down.

Then she just swung the car and turned right.  At the red light.  Without stopping.

Me (finally bursting):  DUUUUUUUUUDE!  What are you doing?

Teen, calmly:  Mother.

She always said “Mother” in a condescending tone whilst driving.  It was hideous.

Teen:  Mother.  Did you know you can turn right on a red light?

Me: You have to stop first!

Teen:  Nope.

Me:  Yup

Teen.  Nope.

Me:

Teen:  I prefer to drive with Dad.  You make me anxious.

Me:  That’s because Dad naps when you are driving.  WHICH IS FOOLISH.

And that concludes my teen driving memory for today.

***

David unplugged half my twinkle lights on the deck for his cow water heater and I am annoyed.  He told me I could have that outlet, and then he just stole it back!  And he is an electrician and he can just make his own new outlet.  We are going to have to have a husband/wife meeting about sharing electricity.

***

HD has stopped calling me Karen, but the sass still runs deep with this one.

Me:  Why did your basketball practice get cancelled?

HD:  _

Me (looking at him in the rearview mirror):  Why did your basketball practice get cancelled?

HD (smirking): _

Me:  You need to answer me when I talk to you.

HD:  Gosh, Mom, geez, I cannot hear you.  Calm down.  I don’t know, the people just forgot.

(If he didn’t hear me, then how did he know what I asked?  Hmmm?)

Me:  People forgot to come in basketball clothes?

HD (beyond annoyed):  Gosh, Mom!  No!  A bunch of old ladies came WITH BIBLES and coach said we had to be done.

And that concludes this segment of:  Why Basketball Got Cancelled.

Happy Wednesday!

I am, upon occasion, permitted to work from home for half the day.  I chose to do just that yesterday.

Before work, I was doing dishes and noticed Babs, the cow, out the window.  Her udder was ginormous, so, naturally, my heart was all a-flutter.  I went out and followed her around and she led me to this fun surprise:

A new baby calf friend for me to enjoy!

I had to hurry back to the house and get ready for my online teaching gig.  Meanwhile, David had left the boys a gigantic chore list, per usual.

Reader.  It is super fun to try and teach AND deal with the boys fighting and having issues about their chores.  And David gives them manly chores, ones that I have no idea how to help them with, and ones that I would prefer he would be around to help with.

One such chore was lighting a burn pile.

The boys came inside.  They smelled strongly of gasoline.

Me:  Why do you smell like gas?

HD:  Because I am dumping gas on the burn pile but it is not starting because of the rain.

Me:  Why are you trying to start a burn pile in the pouring rain?

HD:  Because Dad said to and he will get mad at us if we do not.

Reader.  This is true.

HD:  I am just going to go outside and dump a bunch of starter fluid on it.

Reader.  I know nothing about any of this, but I deem it to be NOT SAFE, so I halt it and say that I will answer to David if he is perturbed about burn piles.

So.  I am trying to teach.  And I sent this picture to David so he can see that I am actually working and not available to mediate boys’ chores at this current time.

He tries to tell me I am cute, but, Reader, I will not fall for his antics and I shall not be persuaded to allow the boys to use gasoline and open flames any more.  I wash my hands of it.

Mere moments later, our dogs, Abbie and Charlie, get into a fight.  Like a way really big bad one.  I had to stop video and mute and ditch my class and try to stop the fight.  I threw water on them, kicked them, screamed, and could not get them to stop.  The boys were there, too, and I was terrified that one of them were going to get bit.  Somehow we got the dogs apart and there was much blood.  We shut them up in kennels and I finished my class, feeling super professional.  Charlie has a pretty big bite mark on her neck that probably could have used stitches, but we didn’t take her in.  She is acting absolutely fine and we are cleaning it and disinfecting it and watching for infection.  Abbie is not acting normal and I wonder if she is sick.  David was working outside all day, and she did not want to go outside.  This is very abnormal, seeing as how she feels she should be Mrs. David Maliblahblah instead of me.

Also:  found out that David’s dad was quite sick and had to be admitted to the hospital, as if life could not be any more stressful.  And because the world is the way that it is, he is not allowed to have any visitors.  And it is all quite worrisome and prayers are appreciated.

Today.

Today we were home all day, except the teen girls who are always flitting about to work and whatnot.

I decided I was going to start to repaint the entire interior of my home.  I grew tired of that idea and decided to switch to Christmas decor instead.  I did, however, spruce up an old decoration window with Sea Serpent Blue and I thought you might enjoy it if I razzle dazzled you with it:

Before:

Yes, there is a canning jar lid on my floor.  No, I don’t know why.

After:

Are you razzle dazzled?

David and the boys were outside all day, which is the way God intended it.

First, they had to go take the bulldozer and 4 wheeler to retrieve the Bobcat.  The boys had gotten the Bobcat stuck in the mud in the back 40 whilst I was trying to teach classes from the kitchen table.

Bummer.

Then they had to sort steers and use chainsaws and cut down trees and give their mother a heart attack.

I am a super nice wife/mom and I always prepare a hot lunch for the menfolk on work days such as these.  HD came inside and was very frustrated because a cow had splashed him with mud/poop.  The nerve.

HD:  Mom?  I feel like I might have something on my neck?  Do you see anything?

I could not help but chuckle.

HD was literally freaking out and trying to give himself a sponge bath in the sink.

HD:  Mom.  Dad told me not to take a shower.  Because I am just going to get dirty again after lunch.  But I cannot take it, Mom.  I cannot!  He is just going to have to get mad at me.

And off he went to scrub himself clean.

HD is the opposite of LD.  HD likes and uses soap.  For some reason, we have yet to enroll LD in the all-important class:

Soap:  What it is and why one should use it.

Charlie kept trying to bring this leg, formerly known as Leg of Steer, into the home.

You are welcome.

I began to start decorating for Christmas.

Which made me feel joyful AND triumphant.

Happy Saturday!

Reader.  I prepared dinner every night this week.  And I decorated my front porch for Christmas.

Yes.  Christmas.  Perhaps I am turning into my mother after all.  I heard that happens.

But, Reader.  I am, like, all about Christmas decor all of a sudden.  Why?

I do not know.  But I am going shopping with mother on this very evening to find MORE Christmas decor.  I am like an addict now.

I am sure you have all been waiting with bated breath, wondering if HD was able to get his poem to stick.  He did it.  He nailed it.  And then I had to have a Come to Jesus meeting with him and David over the disrespect he has been showing me lately.  I am pleased to announce that it has been declared that the next time HD calls me “Karen,” he will lose his phone for a month.

***

Norma Jean Riley’s four kittens are everywhere.  It is almost time for them to depart and go off to their new families.  I have to admit, I am a bit sad.  I will never have kittens again, which is good, but also sad.  Because they are so cute.

The other morning, David came out of the bathroom and told me my kittens were freaking out and climbing up all over him.

David:  I think they are hungry.

Me:  Well, is Norma with them?

David:  I don’t know.  I don’t care.

I found Norma Jean at the front door.  She had been locked out all night.

Reader.  Did you know Mother Cats do a strange meowing/call when they want their babies to come near?  It is true.  I am learning so much about the cat world.  She came in and did her weird call and four fuzzy fur balls found her and she started feeding them right there in my closet.

She gets fixed on the 20th and thus ends 2020:  The Year of 16 Kittens.

Fun fact:  The 1 pound kittens hiss and try to attack our old Grandpa Dog, Tank.  They scare Tank, who is about 100 pounds and he likes to tremble and come and sit on my lap when they are picking on him.

As I am typing this, three kittens are climbing up my ironing board.  And I love them.

***

Kate had her senior pictures taken, as if anyone can believe THAT is happening.

This is Kate in 2006 at her 4 year old Cowgirl Birthday Party:

This is Kate now:

She humored me and she tried to do a pose that was similar to my senior picture.

She will be 18 soon and has plans to go off to college next summer.

***

Me, every hour:  Oooh!  Let’s check the news and see if we know who won the presidential election?

Me, every hour:  Nope!  Not yet!

***

The other day, I was meeting with one of my students via the ZOOM for a one on one reading session.  My teammates were not live with their students, so they could hear me.

This is what they heard.  And please imagine me speaking in a very chipper and upbeat voice.

Thank you.

Me:  Oh, really?  He got a new wife?!  Oooh.  How fun!  Oh, he moved far away?  With his new family?  That’s so nice.  I hope he has a happy new life.  Let’s practice reading this book.

Teammates:

Here is the full conversation:

Student:  We used to have a dog named Moose.  But he got a new wife and left.

Me:  Oooh, really?  He got a new wife?

Student:  Yeah.  He found a wife and had babies.

Me:  Oh!  How fun!

Student:  Yeah.  We found out that he found a wife and we told the other people that they could just keep him so he moved with them.

Me:  Oh, he moved far away?  With his new family?

Student:  Yeah.  With his wife and babies.

Me:  That’s so nice.  I hope he has a happy life.

Student smiles and beams sunshine and rainbows.   And then we read.

***

I have BIG news.

I picked my car up yesterday.

I KNOW.

It has been at the mechanic for almost two months.  I went to grab it and there was a mechanic guy legit wearing a gun on his hip.  He wanted me to look at the nice work they did, as if I even knew what the car looked like when it was wrecked, seeing as how David wrecked it and not me.

It was pouring rain and he had a gun on his hip and he wanted me to be impressed and I was and then he told me it was a very nice Infiniti and called it “stout.”

Thankfully, he felt no need to brandish the weapon and I happily drove away in my stout Infiniti.

***

My mom recently switched her phone service.  She is pleased because she gets a new phone.  And then she said this sentence:

Mom:  They are going to send me a new Samsung!  Now I can be done with this hideous iPhone.

My mom uses the word hideous wrong, in my opinion.  But she will hear none of it.  She uses it as a synonym for awful.  I use it only in an “appearance” sense.  Who is correct?  I know not.  But since I am turning into my mother, I am sure I will also declare new technology “hideous” in 20 years.

My parents and technology do not play nicely. As evidenced by this old photo of my dad trying to listen to music digitally.

Happy Friday!

David and I are having a hard time agreeing on a tv show to watch.

I prefer to watch shows that are hilarious and make me chuckle.

David watches BORING things, such as, but not limited to, cattle sales.

While he was getting a snack, I snapped this quick video so you could feel my pain.

It was like a showcase of manly bulls.  Many of them.  With moving music to go along with it.  And the songs would change, along with the bull.  And a catalog so one could follow along.

And don’t mind the mirror propped up over there.  I got in a “mood” this weekend and I decided I hated everything about my house and am starting to paint again.  Because I am 39.

I got rid of my fall-ish decor and am planning on going straight to Christmas.

I took the three pumpkins off the front porch and I threw them to our pig.

I told the pig to please enjoy the pumpkin spice mud.

Pig seemed pleased.

***

Having Hadley at the same school as the boys means I no longer have to leave my house so early to get them to school.

Reader.  I had not even thought of this until last night.

I sent the children off to school.  And I prepped dinner.

Like, totally prepped it.  I had my hands all in the ground beef, formerly known as Waylon.  I was molding and sculpting MEATLOAF.  I did laundry.  I cleaned the kitchen.

I

Cleaned

The

Bathrooms

!

I was winning at life.  But I couldn’t stop thinking about the squishy Waylon meat, and remembering the handsome fellow enjoying his days on the farm.  So my family ate the delish meatloaf and I had oatmeal.

Here is the best way to make oatmeal:

Put oats in a bowl and add water.

Add fruit.  My favorite is fresh strawberries, but, alas, I have none.  I do have frozen cherries.  So I added those.

Then I microwave.

Then add milk.  I am now a fan of almond milk, for reasons unbeknownst to me.  I can only assume it is because I am nearing 40.

Then I warm it up again and it is a bowl of Cherry Almond Oatmeal deliciousness that one might enjoy while their family is eating meatloaf made from a family friend.

So, yum.

***

Since Hadley had to work, I had to pick the boys up from school.  I am still driving the Subaru.  My car is still at the mechanic from Sept 11th.  At this point, I can only assume the mechanic loves my sweet Infiniti and has taken it on a road trip across America.

HD is driving me nuts, but what else is new?  He is driving me nuts for two main reasons.

1.  He is not following the directions from physical therapy on his hand.  And do you know they handcrafted a splint for him and it was billed out at $400?  FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.  He is supposed to be massaging the scar tissue and doing very minor exercises.  It has been made clear to me as of late that he has not been heeding the kind therapist’s instructions.  I lost track of him for a few days because of the hunting trip.  So, now he is all “woe unto me” and “my hand will never be the same” and I am like, “massage your dang scar tissue.”  Because he is 13.  And if a guy can set a fence post, surely he can be responsible enough to massage his own scar tissue three times a day for 30 seconds.  Yes?

2.  Also, he has to memorize a poem.  The poem is called “Concord Hymn” by Ralph Waldo Emerson.  He was supposed to work on it while he was hunting.  But, alas.  He did not.  So, on the way home from town today, I put on my most serious Mom Pants and basically flipped out on him and he was massaging the dang scar tissue and trying to recite a poem.

HD:  Mom, should I move it in a circular motion?  Or back and forth?  Or what is best?

Me:  Just keep massaging it.

HD:  It feels weird.

Me:  Too bad.  Memorize the poem.

HD:  I cannot!  It won’t stick!  It won’t stick!

Me:  Well, its gonna have to stick.

HD had already memorized about half of it.

Me:  Well, that’s good!  What’s the next line?

HD:  “And time the ruined bridge has swept.”

Me:  Ok.  Let’s work on that.

So, we worked on that for the duration of the trip.

LD knows that line.

I know that line.

And HD can say it in isolation, but he cannot say it with the rest of the poem, because, and he made this quite clear,

“It won’t stick.”

So, I have taken away all screens and told him he can not watch anything or have any joy in life until he is 75% done with the poem, as it is due for recitation on Wednesday.

Reader.  Please say the word “recitation” out loud.

Now, marvel at how fancy you sound.

But here is the BEST part.  I am sitting here blogging right now.  With headphones in.

Maybe the people think I am working?  I can’t be certain.

But I told David that since he took the boy hunting, he is in charge of making the poem stick.

I told you I was winning at life.

***

Today in class, I was struggling with technology.  Which is impressive for an online teacher.  I was working with a small group of kids, so they all were unmuted.

Me:  Oh, I think I can do this-oh-no-wait!  Shoot!  Hang on!  Oh, let me move your little Zoom faces here.  Oh.  That didn’t work.  Hang on, kids!

And then I defaulted into my usual odd-teacher mood.

Me:  Kids.  Hang on!  I can do this!  I know I can.  I believe in me!

Kids:  Chuckle, giggle, chuckle.

And then I broke out into song.

Me:  I believe I can fly!  I believe I can touch the sky!

I had a few moms giggling in the background.

Totally forgot adults can hear me.

I am so cool.

***

David and I need a show to watch together.  We have access to Prime and Netflix.

I cannot handle this anymore:

Please advise.

The weather here is a bit saucy.

Weekend of Oct 17th

Weekend of October 24th

And today, October 31st

Would you like to see a picture of my favorite cow, Matilda?

Of course you do.

She is on the right.  I dig her.

Ok.  I had a chance to discuss the steer water situation with David.

Me:  What were you wanting me to do?

David:  Check the steer water.

Me:  Should the heater have been working?

David:  Yes

Me:  And why wasn’t it?

David:  I don’t know.  The boys probably unplugged it.

Me:  Was the automatic waterer supposed to be working?

David:  Yes.  The boys probably disconnected it and then it froze.

Me:  So did I do the right thing by letting the steers out?

David:  No.  You should have found a longer hose.

Me:  But wouldn’t it have just froze?  Because their tank was already half a block of ice?

David:

So.  We are just going to say that I did the right thing.  And what is with the boys ruining everything all the time?  I ask you?

***

Even though I double hate Halloween, I double LOVED seeing my students yesterday!  They are so tiny!  They are so cute!  I love them virtually and for realsies.

I have this one student.  Let’s call him “Max.”  Max has had sound issues from day one.  Every time poor Max unmutes and talks, he is SO LOUD.  All the kids, and myself, take our headphones off and painfully try and understand what Max is trying to communicate.  I have reached out to his dad and his dad has tried to trouble shoot, but we cannot figure out how to make Max’s volume more reasonable.

Reader.  I solved the mystery.

Max just shouts in real life.  He will always be painfully loud.

He showed up to the door.  And he shouted:

“HI!  I AM HERE FOR MRS. MALIKALAKAH!  I’M MAX!  FROM HER CLASS!”

Every kid pronounces my name differently.

AND . . . I love them.

***

David called me a Crazy Cat Lady today.

And, Reader.  If this life I am living in, surrounded by my feline friends, is what it means to be a crazy cat lady, then SIGN ME UP.

Mama Kitty was “bathing” Rio for a solid 15 minutes today.

Reader.  You must really examine the picture.

Zoom in, if you must.

Look at Rio.  She was like that for FIFTEEN minutes.  Thoroughly enjoying her tongue bath from her grandmother.

***

Last night.

Last night, Hadley had a friend over.  Which was fine and dandy.  David was working late-ish and I was asleep by 7:45pm.  Because, teaching.

At some point, I was awakened by much commotion.

Much.

I sat up and said/shouted, “What is going on?”

LD:  A bunch of cows are loose and Hadley and Lily are not even helping!

David, who is always so “asleep” in the middle of the night for all other emergencies, immediately sat up and scolded the boys for not closing up the gate correctly.

But, please.  Remember that David is unable to function to assist in any other emergency after 10pm.

I glanced at David’s phone.  I read the time as being 1:50am.  I was aghast, Reader.  AGHAST.  Because so many children were awake and it was definitely past everyone’s bedtime.

David stood at the bedroom window.  He opened it and he directed the boys on how to get the loose cows in.

I, of course, had to go to the bathroom.

I then asked Hadley and Lily what on earth they were doing at this hour.

Hadley:  We are giving ourselves cancer and the boys let the cows out!

Reader.  I do not know why she said anything about cancer.  I was too tired to care.

Me:  Can you do all those things A LOT QUIETER, PLEASE?

David and I got back into bed.  LD came in our room to plead that I kick Hadley and Lily out of the loft so he could watch tv.

Me:  No one needs to be watching TV right now!  It is almost 2am!

LD:  Mom!  It is 10pm!

Me:  No!

LD:  Yes!

I checked the phone.  The same phone that said 1:50am now read 10:58pm.

But it FELT like 1:58am.

Me:  Doesn’t matter.  It’s too late.  Everyone go to bed.

LD:  But, MOOOOOOOMMMMM.

Me:  How did you know cows were out anyways?

LD:  Because I was peeing.

Me:  What?

LD:  I went outside to pee.

Me:  You walked by a bathroom and out the front door to go pee outside?

LD:  Yeah.

Me:  Go to bed.  Just everyone go to bed.

Around midnight, the dogs were barking something fierce.

David:  THE HORSES ARE OUT!  Those boys.  I tell you.

And he kept muttering about the boys and went outside to put the horses in.

I turned on my deaf ear and went to sleep.

***

HD:  Kate!  Your shirt has a hole in it!

Kate, panicking, looking all around her shirt:  WHERE?

HD:  A WHOLE-LOTTA style.

The End.

When I first switched to eSchool, I was going over the pros and cons with myself, trying to feel a bit more excited about the big change.

Here are some pros:

1.  No more tying wet shoelaces-and not knowing why they were wet (shudder)
2. No more recess duty when it is so so so so cold
3. No more dealing with SNOW PANTS and PE SHOES (One year, I had a five minute transition from recess to PE.  Getting 25 first graders out of snow pants/boots and into PE shoes in five minutes should be an Olympic sport)
4. No more tire swing drama (GLORY!)
5. No more picking up chewed up pencils off the ground
6. NO MORE HAVING TO DRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN

I am basically a Halloween grinch.  I don’t know why.  Actually, I do know why.

This is why:

1.  I don’t care.
2. For years, I had four kids and a small Halloween budget.  Oh!  And I am not creative, like, I don’t know how to sew and all that jazz.  I hated trying to come up with costumes for the Fab Four without breaking the bank.  FOR YEARS.
3. I dislike dressing up.  Mostly because, and I cannot stress this enough, I don’t care.

So, the no more having a class full of kids and trying to contain their sheer and utter joy on Halloween, whilst being forced to wear a costume myself was a HUGE perk for switching to eSchool.

Imagine my surprise when I receive this email from my admin

“Good news!  We have arranged for a round of material pick up for Oct 30!  The kids can come in their costumes.  Please wear a costume yourself!”

So, as soon as I log off, I shall be dressing up as a NINJA.

But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Me to Teaching Team:

Ok, I am pretty easy going and don’t really care what we wear for Halloween.  However:

1.  I won’t wear anything on my head.  Not even a headband.  HATE IT.
2. I am so done with tutus.  I don’t want to wear a tutu and I don’t want to make a tutu.
3. I am not creative.
4. I don’t sew

As I am getting older, I feel like I have no problem telling people how I feel.  Thoughts?

David, on the other hand, has MUCHO TROUBLE saying how he feels.

David has two moods:

1.  Fine.
2. Not fine.

David is “fine” most of the time.  Like, usually, all the time.

David’s second mood of “not fine” is the mood he chooses for all other emotions that don’t fall under fine.  Emotions such as, but not limited to:

1.  Irritated
2. Tired
3. Injured
4. Annoyed
5. Sick
6. Mad
7. Stressed
8. Hungry
9. Frustrated
10. Bored

All of the above emotions look the same on David:  Not Fine.

Now, I have been married to him for 20 years.  I have been made aware of the two moods.

Fine.

Not fine.

When David is “not fine,” he likes to make me play a fun little game called:

“What in the world is David NOT FINE about?”

I notice my husband’s NOT FINE mood.

Me:  Is something wrong?

David:  Nope.

And we get to do that for a couple of days.  Oh, yes.  I said days.

Then I have to play guess and check.

Sometimes he is super sick!  Like the time he had shingles and I had to tell his mom on him that he was sick and I needed help forcing him to go to the doctor.

Sometimes he falls off of a ladder at work and breaks ribs and neglects to tell me.

Sometimes he gets in a minor vehicle accident, and I only find out about it when I see a dent on the aforementioned vehicle.

Sometimes he feels stress from work.

Sometimes he feels stress from cows.

Sometimes he gets tired of repairing every single dang thing on our property every day.  Like the bobcat.  And the four wheeler.

Sometimes, and please sit down for this, I do things that bug him.

I KNOW!  Hard to believe.  I am a delight.

Me to David:  I know this is so hard for you, but just TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON.

David:  I’m fine.

We are two very different people, as I prefer to announce all my feelings to everyone, including the animals.

I am fussy.

I am going to bed.

I am annoyed.

I don’t want to dress up for Halloween.

I am hungry.

I don’t want to eat that.

I am done parenting children tonight.

See?  It’s not hard, David.  Just say how you feel.

***

Alright.  I need to go be a ninja.  In case I haven’t made my feelings clear on the matter:

I do NOT want to be a ninja.

But I will do it.  FOR THE CHILDREN.

One of my precious kiddos has been SO excited for Halloween.  She has talked about it in class for weeks.

She is sick and in quarantine and cannot come to pick up materials today.

Stupid covid.

My assistant principal is going to go in costume to her house and drop off her materials and wave to her from the sidewalk.  Precious student is hopeful someone will take a picture of her and send it to me.

I really love my firsties.   And isn’t my assistant principal simply the nicest?

Alright.  Enjoy your day.

In “virtual” first grade, the kids are learning to make connections with the text.  They do their reading, and then they film a quick video to send to me.

Student:  I read ___book.  In it, the main character was nervous about going to a party because everyone was supposed to bring something to eat and he didn’t know what everyone else was bringing.  He didn’t want to be different.  I made a connection because last year in school, we were going to have a party, and I was scared about what to bring.  But then I got brave and decided not to worry about it.  But then Covid happened and our party was cancelled anyways.  Bye!

Dang Covid.  Poor kids.

On Monday, I had to miss a couple of my live classes to take Kate to the doctor.  She has been having some mysterious health issues for a couple of months and it is been quite the ordeal trying to get to the bottom of it.

We are still not at the bottom of it.

One of my amazing team teachers took my kiddos for the live sessions that I missed.  When I returned, she let me know that one of my kiddos looked down that day and looked like she was about to cry, which is out of character for this little gal.

I kept her late after my next live session to ask her if she was doing ok.

Student:  I was just SO SAD because you were not here.

I relayed this story to Hadley.

Hadley:  Wow.  I don’t remember ever feeling like I liked my first grade teacher that much.

Me:  Well.  You were homeschooled.  I was your first grade teacher.

#winning

Hadley’s high school has been doing a hybrid plan where she is home three days a week and goes to school two days a week.  It had become clear to me that this plan was not what was best for her.

On Monday morning, I texted her and asked her to pray/think about switching to the private school the boys currently go to.

Her response:  Yeah.  I don’t know about that, Bro.

So she went about her day, and I went about mine.  I told her she had to be home by seven so we could “talk.”

She was thrilled.

But the talk went well and she agreed that she should go to the new school.

!

I had been all geared up for a discussion of pros and cons and bargaining.  And she just said-“ok.”

So that past couple of days has been a whirlwind of trying to work AND get her ready to start a new school that requires uniforms.  Which is every teen’s dream come true.

“What do you mean I can’t wear pants with holes in them?”

David came into cell service Tuesday am because, and please don’t be too surprised, the four wheeler broke down.  So he lost all day Tuesday for hunting because had to get parts and work on the four wheeler.

Me over the phone:  Ok!  Some things have gone down with Hadley.  I can explain later.  We need to put her in the private school.  Is that ok?

David:  *sigh*  That’s fine.  Can we afford it?

Me:  *sigh* Sure.

Me:  Also.  I had to let the steers out so they could have water.  Hope you aren’t mad.

David:  *sigh*  Ok.  I will figure it out later.

Tank the Dog might be failing.  I don’t know.  He is antsy and barks at nothing for hours.  He has also been “getting lost.”  Which is very unusual.  The other morning, Hadley and I could not find him.  We looked through the house and all around the outside of the house.  We called for him, but he is deaf, so that proved ineffective.  We had to leave so we could get to town on time.  I was sure he had wandered off to go and die.

Man.  I am full of pleasant thoughts today, no?

Anyways, he had wandered into the garage and apparently just stayed there?  I don’t know.

So now, I am worried about Tank the Dog and all my kids.  I still don’t have gray hair, but my eyes look like I am 55 now.

Happy Thursday!