The Lumberjack's Wife

In what is hopefully the final chapter of the Puppy/Glasses Saga of 2020, we stopped by the glasses clinic, and our good friend, Bob, put brand spanking new lenses into HD’s frames.

And HD will now be too cool for school and not have to go to his new school with visible teeth marks on his lenses.  As if middle school isn’t tricky enough.

Life is incredibly busy over here.  As soon as I finish this post and my cup of coffee, I am going to need to get camping stuff ready and then figure out what I need to take to my new building.  My entire classroom is currently boxed up in my basement.

Taylor.  What do you need to bring with you to your new job?

I will be in one room with all four first grade teachers. In an effort to make my new team like me, I am for sure bringing a spare Keurig coffee machine, a microwave, a mini fridge, and my winning personality.  I remind me of the girl who went to elementary school with me and would pay kids in candy bars to play with her.

I am practically deaf in my right ear.  This is not news.

It comes in handy upon occasion.  For example, last night, our old dog, Tank, was being loud and panting.  I don’t know why he does this.  I go round and round with him and offer him water and food and a bathroom break, but he just wants to sit by my side and pant.  So, I just lay on my left side and then all noise goes away and I am a happy camper.  It’s like my own magic mute button.

It is somewhat detrimental upon other occasions.  Like all professional situations.  I have always had a terrible time in large group meetings.  But now, let’s throw in this new social distancing concept and throw a mask on everyone.

Yeah.  Taylor has no idea what is going on.

This is undoubtedly a surefire way to impress my new coworkers.

We are in this giant middle school cafeteria, all spaced apart.  The superintendent has come to deliver an inspiring speech.  Because we are the new team of teachers for a brand new online school that is currently still being thought of.

And, trust me.  We need inspiration this year.  We really need to believe we can fly.  Maybe even touch the sky.

So, he is up front.  No microphone, but he does have his mask on, which takes away my ability to read lips.

I don’t know if I even actually for real read lips, but let’s go with it for the purposes of this story, shall we?

So, he is telling us that we have an opportunity to be great and amazing, which of course, we will be, but then he keeps talking about how he are so lucky because we are going to be:

A School Without Balls.

And I am over here trying to figure out what kind of corny joke he has made, but I scan the half faces of my colleagues, and no one appears to look amused and/or confused.

So, I pretend to understand why I should be so pleased to have a school without balls.

And if anyone has been on recess duty before and a kid has kicked a ball over a fence, you might truly be glad that there are no more balls.  But if we are going to sit here and be inspired over the perks of no recess for our new online school, we should instead be listening to an inspirational speech entitled:

A School Without That Stupid Tire Swing That Everyone Fights About All The Livelong Day.

But, I digress.

Upon reflection, I feel like what he really said was:

A School Without Walls.

Maybe?

Yes.  People should trust me to teach their six year olds foundational reading skills.  Why do you ask?

Alright!  I am off to change the world!

Wish me luck!

Woe unto me.

I am now working and not able to be at home.  I got spoiled during quarantine and now am having animal withdrawls.

I mean, who would want to leave this cute “Cat Family” for the whole day, I ask you?

Woe unto me.

Alright.

Life is busy again.  We are not surprised.  I am excited about my new job, and yet, I am hoping I made the correct choice.

I sent this picture to one of my Teacher BFFs who I had to abandon at my old building.

This is my “I hope I didn’t make a terrible mistake” face.

I will miss my friend.  Let’s call her, “Tiffany.”

I am excited, hopeful, overwhelmed, and terrified.

Luckily, a couple of my other BFFs are joining me at the new school  So that is pleasant and happy.

***

Let us discuss Little Dude.

I picked him up today and he was drinking a 2 Liter of Root Beer.  All by himself.  And I was too tired to chastise and/or question him.

He still has his two lambs.  They are literally the most precious creatures on the planet, although I am not sure what purpose they serve as we will not be eating lamb, nor do we need wool.

LD is trying to keep his food costs down.  So he worked out some plan with David, and I was surely impressed with him.

He came up with some idea to put the lambs in our garden.  He was going to fence off the berries and make sure the lambs did not eat our new fruit trees.  The lambs could graze on all the grass/weeds around the fruit trees.  David agreed, but said he was responsible to make sure the lambs did not get into the berries.  David also said he had access to any of the lumber and materials we had on our property.

So, LD, along with HD, created this fence the other afternoon:

They were like, pounding T Posts and everything.  I felt they did a good job.  Dare I say, I was proud of them?  They just did it.  They didn’t fight, they didn’t call David, they just did it.

The lambs love their new digs.

Friends.

I have a confession to make.

I cooked Waylon.

If it makes it any easier on you, I did not enjoy it.

Me:  Would you like “Waylon” spaghetti or “Waylon” stroganoff?

The people wanted Waylon spaghetti.  And they loved it.

Did I eat it?

Of course not, Fools!

But maybe someday.

Baby steps, Friends.

Baby Steps.

Take Care, Friends.

LD sent this to me the other day.  It is his new and improved boy/man voice.  And I keep forgetting to ask him how he did this?

Technology.  Incredible.  I should figure some new tricks out, seeing as how I shall be a magical online teacher this year.

David and I went camping at the river property all by ourselves last night.  It was the most bestest camping trip ever because it was soooooo easy.

We got there.  We sat by the river and talked.

Then we decided to drive to a nearby town for dinner.  INSTEAD OF COOKING.

Ok.  Let us talk about this restaurant.  As far as I know this restaurant doesn’t have a name.  It is simply known as:

Store/Restaurant

And that is because it is a restaurant AND it also has some cans of pork and beans and chili you could purchase if you so desire.

Everyone at the restaurant is super friendly, including all the customers.  There was a gal who was tending the bar, a gal who was tending the restaurant and a guy somewhere in the back who was the cook.

The people at a table across from us starting chatting with us.  They asked where we lived.

Stranger:  Oh!  Are you farmers then?

David:  No, not at all.  I am an electrician.

And that left me in an utter state of confusion.  Because here are some pictures I have taken of our very home:

But that’s cool.

So.  We ate and visited.  I asked the lady working the restaurant when they close?  She said:

“Oh.  When we are done.”

And then the strangers chatted up with us a bit more and said they are done when the cook is done and he goes and sits at the bar.  And moments later, said cook came out to go and be done at the bar, right when hopeful customers had walked in.

He agreed to cook their meal.  Cheering ensued, proving once again, that not all heroes wear capes.

Later on, the bartender gal, who was bussing tables with a five gallon bucket, plopped the bucket on the table and joined us.  Then there was a lively conversation about what butcher you should take your fresh game meat to and who keeps it clean and who makes the best summer sausage and who has a moose tag and, readers, I truly felt like I could not contribute to that conversation.

So, I didn’t.

We drove back to camp and, I kid you not, we were in bed by 8:30pm.

We slept until 7am!  And then we had like four cups of coffee each and didn’t even make breakfast.

Next, I “helped” David with a water pump project he was working on.

David:  Can you hand me the Sawzall?

Me:  Yup!

And, Friends.  Hand it to him I did!  And I knew what it was without asking.  And, Friends.  I bought him a Sawzall back in 2000 for our first Christmas together.  I remember because he was trying to get me to understand what the purpose of a Sawzall was.

David (talking slowly and enunciating):  BECAUSE IT SAWS . . . ALL.

Me:  It saws all?

David:  IT SAWS . . . ALL.

Anyways.  I handed him the Sawzall.

Me:  David!  Is this the very same one I bought you for our first Christmas?

David:  Nope.

Me:  Oh.  Darn.  Did that one break or something?

David:  Nope.  It is at home.  I use it to saw pigs in half.

So that was a pleasant thought.

After we worked on the pump, I made us a lovely lunch and we sat by the river and ate it.

Eventually, we had to return home to-

The Children.

As soon as we got into service, our phones were inundated with text message alerts and phones calls from the aforementioned children.

To prepare ourselves to face them again, we helped ourselves to an ice cream cone on our way home.

Happy Sunday!

Here are two words I do not believe I ever heard before August 1, 2020:

Synchronous

Asynchronous

And now, both words are spoken to me no less than 47 times a day.  Have those words always been around, or were they created for teachers for such a time as this?

Alright.

I am back to work!  I am still not confident in my ability to tell you that I know what is going on.  And I have found a new GIF to reflect my feelings for you:

I feel it accurately portrays my current mood.

Before, I felt like this:

Kind of an excited, anticipatory type of confusion.

Now, I have accepted my confusion and am much calmer about my stress.  Plus I am eating snacks to soothe me.

Good times.

The boys and I went and did “The Family Interview” at their new Christian school.  Naturally, I had to bribe them and told them if they behaved well they could have a Dutch Bros.

They knocked it out of the park, Friends.

So.  I upgraded their treat to a 4 for $4 from Wendy’s.  Which in retrospect, is most likely cheaper than Dutch Bros.  The boys seem a bit happier about their new school decision and the new principal won them over when he told them they would be allowed to eat a snack for five whole minutes at the beginning of third period.

HD:  That’s pretty cool about that snack thing, huh?

LD:  Yeah.  Pretty cool deal.

And just like that, they are ok with things.

***

Kate started her senior year, if you can believe such a thing.

Here she is with Tank the Dog.  Tank has been around for many of her first day of school pics.  Such as this one from Homeschooling 2012

And this one from last year:

We tried to get him on the deck for this year’s photo, but it was too scary for him.

***

Meanwhile, back at the ranch . . .

Let us have an animal update.

1.  Babe the weaner pig lives!
2. Mama Hen and the 8 little chicks also live!
3. Ep the new bull arrived on our property:

He is very full of pride in himself and his manliness.

Mama Cat moved the kittens and I cannot reach them.  She enjoys drinking water from our water fountain.

I like her.

Toodle-oo.

Me every morning:  I am going to eat healthy and make good choices!

Me every night before bed:  Yum! Ice cream!  I am ok with being a bit chubby.

Let’s talk about the cute puppy, Charlie.  The girl puppy with the boy name.

She is crazy.  And this is how she likes to sleep.

She has a chewing problem.  She likes attention, so she runs along and grabs things and tries to play keep away with the humans.  The biggest problem is that she doesn’t usually do this in the presence of a human.  So, therefore, she has destroyed many things, like:

Two different vacuum cords

MANY cell phone chargers

Two Chrome book chargers

HD’s glasses on multiple occasions

Stuffed animals

Socks

Carpet

My wireless ear buds (!)

And, friends, she even chewed Ophelia.  Kate’s stuffed elephant from boyfriend, Auggie.

This was no bueno, Friends.

Anyways.  She found HD’s drone charger and was chewing on it and it literally exploded in the house.  Kate and I were the only ones home and smoke started spewing out of the thing.  We were screaming, naturally, and the house filled with smoke and the smoke alarms went off.

It was of comfort to know they worked so efficiently.

I had to throw it outside as it was still smoking.  It burned the carpet.  It was unfortunate.

Also.  Do you remember me telling you one of Mama’s four kittens died?  Well, I wasn’t sneaky enough in my disposal of the kitten.   Charlie has found it and keeps dropping it around the house.  But when I try to get it, she moves it again.  I think it is back outside, but I am really not sure.  Creepy.

I have to tell you something David did.  You might not like him very much after I tell you this story.

He did something very rude.

He killed Waylon the bull this morning.

I know.  I know.  I have been mad at him all day.  I was also trying to avoid looking out all windows this morning because I didn’t want to see any of the action go down.  HD went and got the scoop from David and told me way too much detail about the death than I wanted to know.

I didn’t see or talk to David until a few hours after the MURDER.

Me:  So, did you hurt Waylon’s feelings?

David:  What?

Me:  Did you hurt his feelings?

David:  I don’t now.

Me:  Are the cows upset?

David:  They don’t seem to care.

Me:  I bet they do.  You killed their husband.

David:  He wasn’t their “husband.”  I think we need to talk about raising cows and life.

Me:  Yes, he was.  And he was a nice fellow who never did anything wrong to you.  I need to just not like the cows.

David:  I am going to buy another bull right now.  And you won’t even be able to tell the difference between him and Waylon.

Me:  Well, what do I even name the new bull?  Waylon was a great name.

David:  Name him “Ep.”  Ep is the name of the sheriff off The Walton’s. You know.  Like “there’s a new sheriff in town?”

So.  David is out bull shopping.  And I am still mad at him.

Oh.  And it gets worse.

Waylon is coming home to us packaged as ground hamburger and I shall be expected to cook him.

Rude.

Oh a much happier note, look what I came across when I was watering some plants today:

A mother hen hatched 8 little chicks all by herself!

It made me feel better about Waylon.  A little.

And then there’s this guy:

The sole survivor of The Great PigVenture of 2020.  You know.  When we bought and resold 350 weaner pigs?  By choice?

I decided to name it.  Babe.  Still don’t know if it is a boy Babe or a girl Babe.  Don’t know.  Don’t care.  Maybe I will care later.  But I am impressed that it is still alive.

Good.  Job.  Babe.

We made yet another decision regarding the school year.  We are going to put the boys into a Christian school.  The school is very close to my new school and isn’t “planning” on doing any remote learning at this time.

The boys are not happy about this situation at all.

I had to start their applications.  Part of the application process has a section where they want the students to answer some questions.

Me:  Ok.  First question.  Why do you want to go to this school?

HD:  Tell them my parents put a gun to my head and are forcing me to.

Stand down, Readers!  No firearms were used in the new school decision.

There was, however, a firearm used this morning in the Waylon decision.

Rude.

Me:  Ok.  Second question.  Who is Jesus Christ to you?

HD (mumbling):  He is Jesus.

Me:  Anything else?

HD:  He was a man.

LD can sense that I am feeling over it, so he decides to take the higher road.

LD:  He is the Lord of the Heavens and the Earth and he will save us all from death!

Me:  Winner!

Just kidding.  I didn’t say that.  Or did I?

Next, I had to break it to the dudes that their new school would be requiring uniforms.

Yay!

And then I got to take them shopping at Old Navy for the aforementioned uniforms.

Double yay!

HD is just being a pill and a half.  He is making rude comments left and right, so I have to start fining him and he racked up a couple dollars in “rudeness fines.”

Rudeness fines.  It is a thing I made up.  Feel free to steal it.  I am obviously rearing two fine young gentlemen, so I can see how you would want to use my tricks.

LD, once again, was taking the higher road.  And I greatly appreciated him for it.  He was 100% not thrilled about the uniform situation, but he cooperated and even tried stuff on.

And when LD would show me the duds, HD would mock him.

Yes.  MOCK HIM.

Me:  That will be $5 in rudeness fines!

LD is bigger than HD.  I was trying to get HD to try on some shorts but he refused.  So, I was also being mature.

Me:  Fine.  But don’t get mad at me if all the shorts are too big and they fall off of you when you are running around!

HD:  Don’t care.

I didn’t really realize that there were multiple steps to this application process at the Christian School.

And I was informed that we have to have a “Family Interview.”

I am sure that will go over swimmingly.

And, yes.  I feel for the boys, I really do.  I didn’t want to leave my job and I know they didn’t want to leave their school, but we just couldn’t have them at home alone in charge of their education for three days a week.  It would just not work out, you know?

Stupid Coronavirus.

Alright.  Here’s a cute, sleeping kitten.

I start my new job tomorrow!

Me:  Dude.  It looks like you have way too much hay.

David:  Nope.  Still need more.

You may ask, “Taylor!?  Why does he need so much hay?”

And I will reply:

And can we please be impressed that I inserted a GIF into a blog post?  And do you say gif with the hard g or soft g sound?  Because according to PHONICS, the g says “j” before e,i, and y.  So if should be a “JIF.”

That GIF is now the anthem of my life.  People are asking me questions and I truly do not have the answer for them.

Taylor?  What will the boys be doing this school year?

Taylor? What exactly will your new job look like?

I had to pack up my classroom.  This was tricky because:

A)  I do not know when I will have a classroom again

B)  I do not know what I exactly need to keep for this new job

C)  I do not know where to put all the contents of my classroom

Half of my classroom has been donated/tossed in the garbage.  The other half can be found in one of three locations:

My living room:

My entire SUV all the way up to the front seats:

And my front porch:

I had a note written on the easel.  It read:  “Taylor is hopeful this easel can go with her to eschool.”  And I added a friendly smiley face.  But teachers like their things and teachers do not want to lose their things.  And if I left that in an empty classroom for awhile-someone might TAKE it.

Full disclosure:  I did not buy this easel.  In fact, I have no idea where it came from.  But when I first arrived at the building, someone had stuck it in the hallway next to the “share” table and it has been “mine” ever since.  Because sharing is caring.  But I will not share this easel.

Taylor!  Will you even need an easel for your new position?

So.  I moved out of my classroom and turned in my keys.

And I gave my photo to the office gals so they could hang it on the wall so no one would forget me.  Because maybe I will come back?  Next year?

So, this is all very strange, very odd, exciting, and disconcerting.

But, anyways.  Let’s talk about cats now.

Mama Kitty is residing in a laundry hamper/beach towel situation in our master bathtub, along with her kittens.  LD and I are the only people who really care about our feline friends.  The boys and I were about to leave for town and I was putting all the animals away in their “spots.”

HD had left the bathroom door open and Mama Kitty was gone.  I also noticed that he, as per his usual custom, left a couple of drawers open, because my kids apparently were never taught how to ever close a drawer or cabinet after they use it.

So, I close everything up and announce that we cannot leave until Mama is found.  Because if she is outside and we shut her out, then who will feed the little kittens?

So we search high and low.  For quite awhile.  And then LD hears her.  She had gotten into a drawer when it was left open and I shut her in.  So that could have been problematic.

One of her kittens has died, so now she has three.

Taylor!?  What happened to the kitten?  Why did it die?

Like most mothers in America, I have been wondering:

What is going on with school this year?

It is my understanding that some schools have already started, which is coco-nuts.  We do not start until after Labor Day.

A couple of weeks ago, our district announced a color zone plan with four colors: green, yellow, orange, and red.

Yes, I am a teacher, but for the purposes of this post, please imagine me as a parent.  Which shouldn’t be hard, because I play one in real life.

Thank you.

Me:  Ok, David.  As long as we aren’t in orange, we should be A-OK with the boys.

David:  Sounds good.

Me:  We are in yellow now.  The boys and I will be at school/at home the same days as long as we are in green, yellow, and red.  But not orange!  Orange will be no bueno!

David:  Sounds good.

So, we were tootling along in yellow when out of nowhere, they switched us to start the year in orange.

!

Orange!  The one zone that does not work well for me.  You may ask, “Taylor, why is orange zone so bad?”  And I will tell you.

We live about 45 minutes from town.  If we are in orange, I will be at school in town teaching five days a week and the boys will only be in town two days a week.  The other three days they will be at home distance “learning.”

Also, for the purposes of this post, you will notice I am not concerned about the girls.  That is because I am not.  Which sounds harsh, but they are older and drive and are responsible and I don’t need to worry about them for the orange zone.  Which is good because the orange zone has brought me enough angst.

You have heard about my boys right?  Like, you are familiar with them?

Me to David:  Do you really think those two yahoos are going to be diligent with their online learning from home without a parent to oversee them?

David:  Probably not.

Me:  They will be watching TV and eating ice cream.  And meatballs.

David:  Probably.

So, now I must stress.  And when I stress, I eat unhealthy and my sleep is all messed up and my stomach hurts.  So that’s been going well for me the past few days.

Also new to our district is an upcoming eSchool.  Which sounds so hip and modern, don’t you think?

Me:  David!  I can teach with the eSchool and enroll the boys in eSchool and we will all be home!

David:  Sounds good.

Please understand that David is not as concerned about this as I am.  But he is concerned that our bull, Waylon, is not as manly as he had hoped, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.  Wink, wink. He is thinking of replacing him.  So that’s probably what he is thinking about while I am stress eating about THE ORANGE ZONE.

So then I have to stress about applying to the eSchool.  Because I love the school I work at and all my teacher friends and past students.  Also, I get all nervous about interviews AND what if I don’t get the job AND what if I do get the job and have to switch schools?

So, I interviewed.  It was over The Google Meets.  I sent this pic to my teacher gal pals when I was all done:

David:  Why would you dress up?

Me:  Because it was an interview?

David:  Huh.

?

So in the process of applying for the eSchool job, I became really excited about it and felt like it would be a fun new challenge.

And then, they announced the eTeachers of the eSchool would be meeting in a building and NOT working from home.

Which was the purpose of me applying.

So, as you can imagine, I began to stress eat again and forgo sleeping at night.

Because this school year is already one wild ride, I tell ya.

The eSchool will add 15 minutes each way to my drive, which is the last thing I need in life, but we have some options because it is very close to my parents’ house and there is also a private school nearby that we might put the boys in.  Because I feel like the boys are in need of a guardian of some sort?

I really don’t know.  I don’t know what I am doing.  I don’t know anything.

So after many calories, and zero sleep, I decided that I double love first grade.  So, if eSchool offers me first grade, I will take it, and if not, I will stay in my building and teach first grade.

But please let the records show:  I have no idea what the boys will be doing.  In any scenario.  Because I am a with-it Mother.

So, they offered me the job.  And I took it.

Well, dang.  It looks like I even got a stress zit above my lip.

So, now I will deal with what is best for the boys and start to pack up my classroom.  Also, David told me all my teacher friends will no longer be my friends, so that made me sad.  But I think they will still like me.

Watch.  After I did all this, they will move us back to yellow.  AND IT WILL ALL BE FOR NAUGHT.

I just can’t.

Anyways.  That’s that.

Oh, and David is surely thrilled because I moved Mama and her four kittens into the bathroom so I can visit and love them.

Yes.  I know her ear is messed up.  We have been through this already.  Remember?  I took her to the vet?  They wanted $600 to fix the ear?  And then they tried to tell me they had fixed her?  Does she look fixed?  She looks about as fixed as her ear looks fixed.

Mama Kitty.  She is such a good Mama.  Maybe she knows what I should do about this ORANGE ZONE debacle.

We went camping at the river last weekend to celebrate David’s 40th birthday.

40!  Can you believe it?

!

Jason and Amy came.  It is the first time we have seen them since their move.

Remember Jason?

Let’s talk about teens, shall we?

How much sleep is normal for teens?  On average?  Because apparently my teens need like 18 hours a day.

We went river floating in a large group.  One important thing to remember when doing things in a large group is to make sure you stay with the group.

Normally, I float with David in our partially deflating raft down the river.  But we were kind and lent that to Jason and Amy with their two youngest children.

Me:  If you start to sink, just hurl the children into my hard shelled kayak and then fight to save yourselves!

We are safety first kind of group.

Poor Jason was on the not so full of air end of the raft.  He ended up looking like he was reenacting the boat scene from the movie, “Tommy Boy.”

Anyways.  I decided to do a headcount, seeing as how I am the mother of four and should be aware of where they are at all times.  I discovered that one teen, who shall remain nameless, was not with the group.

So I have to use all of my muscles and paddle upstream, which I am not genetically designed for.  I locate the teen.  She is completely asleep and her tube is stuck alongside a bank.

Me:  Please wake up.

Teen:  Huh?

Me:  You really need to stay alert when traveling on the water.

Teen:  Gosh, Mom.  I didn’t KNOW I fell asleep.  Sheesh.

So, I had to tow her.  So I would not lose her.

It was joyous to see Jason and Amy again, along with their children who ooze preciousness.

We were even delighted to see a mother moose and her twin babies cross the river.

Nature.

For evening time, we headed to David’s parents camp, as they were camping elsewhere.  We were there to celebrate David turning the big 4-0.  As you can imagine, he was thrilled.

Amy and I fancied a glass of wine for the evening festivities.  Like a true, classy camper, I had lugged along my Costco Cabernet in a box that I keep fresh with a gallon Ziplock bag.

Me:  If you want some wine, I’ve got cab in the cab.

Oh my goodness, how tickled I was with how clever I was.

Cab in the cab.

Get it?  The CAB of the truck.

Oh.  So punny.

David would not tell me what he wanted for his birthday.  And then he got online and bought a meat saw and told me he just bought his present.  And I am just horrified wondering what he needs a meat saw for?

Thoughts?

Here is a cute picture of 13 day old Sam:

Happy Monday!