The Lumberjack's Wife

Yesterday.

Me:  David.  Let us go have a cup of coffee in the hot tub and look at our cows.

David:  No.  I can’t.  I have stuff to do.

Grumpy.

So, I continue to clean up after ALL the people who live inside this house, and he and the boys went to work on the corral.  And, oh, yes!  Did I tell you?  He is building a ginormous corral.

The corral will be used for, but not limited to:  sorting cattle, vaccinating cattle, castrating cattle, and pregnancy checking cattle.

Things are getting real here, Friends.

Anyways.  David and the boys worked on the corral.  And then it started to rain.  So he came inside.

Me:  Oh, yay!  Are you going to hang out with me now?

David:  No.  I am going to get some work done with the Bobcat.

My life is full of nothing but disappointment, Friends.

So, he goes outside and works for a couple of hours around the property, picking up sticks on the property and moving them into piles in different locations on the property.  I am sure in his mind it is necessary and important work.

He uses the Bobcat for maybe 2 hours before it breaks down.  This is the story of David’s life.

Use Bobcat two hours.

Repair Bobcat four hours.

Repeat.

Me after he tries to repair the Bobcat for many hours:  See, David?  You should have just hung out with me.  It would have been better than breaking your Bobcat.

David:  But I took care of that widow maker for you.

Me (rolling my eyes):  Ok, Paul Bunyan.

FYI:  A widowmaker is a term lumberjacks use to describe a tree that looks dangerous and could fall down at a moment’s notice.

***

I would like you to all know that today, yes today, David Maliblahblah had a cup of coffee in the hot tub with me at 4:00 in the afternoon.

And now he is working on the Bobcat.  I kid you not.

***

Here is a cute picture of our oldest dog, Tank, and our youngest dog, Charlie.

They are together, seeking refuge from the vacuum.

***

The whole family is going into the pig business.

And we, yes all six of us, are willing participants.

David has found some amazing deal on Craigslist and we will all invest money and hope to turn a profit.

We had a family meeting about our new family venture Thursday night in the hot tub.

Hot tubs are great places for family  meetings.

We discussed the plan and how everyone will have specific roles to play in this exciting opportunity.

David will be the dealer of all customers via the phone and email.

The girls and I will be in charge of food, water and record keeping.

The boys will be in charge of touching any pigs.  Because the girls and I have made it clear that we will not, under any circumstances, pick up any  squealing weaner pigs by their back legs and load them into people’s trucks.

Boys:  We love lifting pigs by the legs and watching them squeal!

Me:  I will do such a good job at record keeping.  I will even buy a cute pig themed notebook to record all the important things people need to record when they are involved in a pig business.  I will buy this notebook with my own money and not use the company profits.

Boys:  I love when we have to pick up pigs and show people what they look like.  And the pigs are just squealing and squealing!

Hadley:  Alright.  I am out of here.  This is like sitting at the weird table at lunch.

And then, she left.

***

Last week:

I text David and tell him to please pick up the boys two Ducklings and call me on his way home.

Yes.  Ducklings.  Why not?  They just hatched thirty chicks.  What does it even matter anymore?

So, David calls me and I talk to him about all the things and the whole time his van is making this awful sound.

Me:  Dude.  What is up with your van?  Are you about to break down?

David:  Huh?

Me:  Can you not hear that noise?

David:  That would be the ducklings.

Happy Sunday!

Chicks!  Chicks are hatching everywhere!  One day about three weeks ago, the boys got bored and searched our property for eggs.  I, being the super fun and chill Mom that I am, allowed them to incubate them.  All 58 of them.  And it is like an explosion on my counter.  I think we have at least 30 so far.  It is madness.

As soon as we get through this round of chicks, we are starting all over again so I can hatch them ¨remotely¨ with my class.

Hadley´s cute puppy, Charlie, is very curious about these chicks.  Charlie enjoys chasing our grown hens around the property and chewing on them.  She does not actually kill them.  She gets on top of them and chews.  She has a chew toy that is a raccoon.  The toy raccoon makes a squeaky noise when she chews on it.  We feel she thinks the hens are more chew toys. We do not want her to chew the chicks.  I do not think they would be as hearty.

Kittens!  Kittens are everywhere!  Those dang mama cats keep trying to move them and we are not having it.  First, they tried to move the cats to a storage tub in our storage room.  I do not want cat pee and poo in the storage tub.

You may ask,

¨Taylor! Why is the storage tub open for the cats to nest in in the first place?¨

And I will answer,

¨Hello.  I have four children and I literally have no idea ever what is going on in my house.  Like EVER.¨

Yesterday, the cats all went MIA again.  The boys and I found two abandoned kittens in the storage room in different places.  This we found to be worrisome.  We took everything out of the room and looked for the other four kittens and the missing mamas.

Nothing.

We searched the house.  We searched outside.  We could not find them.  For hours.

I tasked Kate with the job of keeping them warm.  She obliged, but felt the need to inform me that they were hungry every 2 minutes.  And I would reply, like a calm and helpful Mom:

¨Okkkkkk!  I get it!¨

And then I would try to google ¨What can you feed a newborn kitten?¨ but then I would get distracted with someone coming to buy hay, MORE CHICKS HATCHING, Charlie chewing on chickens, preparing a delicious supper for my family, Hadley being a moody quaran-TEEN, and Charlie chasing cows and going on a suicide mission.

Out of nowhere, Mama cat just saunters into my bedroom.  Like, ¨Oh, hello, Humans?  What is new on this floor of the house? ¨

And I put Little Dude in charge and he investigated and found all cats living under his bed.

*face palm*

I would like everyone to know that he apparently cleaned his room very well that day.

So.  The cats are back.  No one is dead.  I did not have to try and bottle feed a kitten.  Which is good, because I do not have kitten milk and I do not have a kitten bottle.

Also.  Someone asked me yesterday if I had ever had rabbits.

Ha!

Have I ever had rabbits.

Have you been reading long enough to remember the wretched rabbit years?

The horror.

Today.

In this new coronavirus world, LD and I had a telehealth appointment with his pediatrician.  HD and LD had some chores in the back of the property.

Me:  Take a watch.  I need LD back in the house by 9:55am for his doctor appt.

Boys:  Got it, Mom!

(lies)

At 9:55 there was no sign of LD.  I was sitting at the table all set up for my virtual doctor appointment and figured the pediatrician would be less than impressed if I informed him that I did not have the needed child.

I told Hadley to fire up the 4 wheeler and go collect her brother.  She did.  While I was waiting for their return, the doctor´s office called to see if I was having technical difficulties, as I was supposed to already be in the ¨virtual¨ waiting room

Me (watching the kids speed to the house on a four wheeler.  Without helmets.  Completely unsafe-like):  Oh, no.  No technical difficulties.  I am just about to sign in.

LD was breathless, hair was windblown, and he had dirt all over his face.  But he was present for his appointment.  And we basically nailed it.

Happy Wednesday!

Well.  When last we spoke, my kinfolk and I were attempting to save the life of a calf, Winnie.

We tried.  We really did.

We tube fed her.  We gave her a shot.  We loved her.  We did everything we knew of to do.

She did not survive.

So, that was a bummer.  And I have decided I will no longer be excited about cows having twins.  Because so far, it has only ended in heartbreak.

***

Cats.

My cute kitty, Norma Jean Riley, had twins.  One died.  (Story of my life) But her little kitten, Rio, is well.

Norma and Rio were living in a basket in my bathtub.  As cats are wont to do.

On Thursday night, Mama Kitty, jumped into the basket with Norma Jean.

Now.  I would like to take this time to remind you all that Mama Kitty is the cat that the vet assured me I had neutered.

Anywho.  Mama Kitty jumped into the basket and the strangest events took place, I kid you not.

Both Norma Jean Riley and Mama were laying on their sides and facing each other.  They were even, like, embracing.  Rio was tucked somewhere underneath them.  Mama was panting and pushing and Norma was like her midwife.  And, remember.  Norma is her daughter.

Please, try to keep up with my animals.

When I woke up Friday morning, the two cats were still embracing and there were a total of six kittens nursing underneath both of them.

So, Mama had five kittens.  And the two of them are tag teaming and nursing all the babies and supporting each other.

It is odd.  And almost like a sister wives sitch going on. And I would bet money the same male cat impregnated both of them.

And I feel like Mama is taking advantage of Norma.

Allow me to elaborate:

Mama just up and leaves and takes herself on a fanciful walk about the property.  Leaving Norma Jean with all six kittens.

Only one of which belongs to her.

I also feel like maybe the quarantine is getting to me.  Am I too invested in this cat family dynamic?

Thoughts?

***

Look at this:

It is a picture.

Of my senior picture.

That was-wait for it-

TWENTY-ONE YEARS AGO.

P.S.  Three chicks hatched.  More might hatch later this week.  Then I will start incubating for my classroom.

We have had a lot of birthing around here.  I am hoping there will be 19 births.

And I can lovingly call them all:

My Covid 19.

Happy Sunday!

Fact:  My house is definitely not a boring place to be quarantined.

On Monday, we launched remote learning.  I started remote learning as a teacher, and the kids started remote learning as pupils.  It has been a challenge.  We have terrible internet service here at home.  I drove to my parents house this week (Stand Down, Social Distancers!  No one was home!) so we could get some work done.  I recorded 15 videos of myself teaching.  Which was not awkward in the least.

On Tuesday, our cow Mildred had twins:  a boy and a girl.  The boy was a stillborn.  The girl seemed to be doing well and was active and nursing.

On Friday, my cute kitty Norma Jean Riley, surprised us by also having twins.  We did not realize she was pregnant.  We know Mama Kitty is pregnant.  We did not think Norma was.  One of Norma´s twins died also, so she just has one kitten.  I have named it Rio.  (Get it?  Short for Diamond Rio?  Get it?)

So, today.

Today, I did my daily check of the cows and I noticed that Mildred´s heifer calf, whose name is Winnie, was not near her.  But sometimes the cows leave the calves with other cows while they eat.  They have a nice nanny service going on out there.  So, I took my walk and I did not see Winnie.  When I came back around to Mildred, I noticed she looked very full of milk.  Then she seemed a bit fussy and she hurried off.  So, I followed her.

Her calf was laying all by herself and not looking well at all.  She tried to get up to nurse, but she could not.  So I called David to help me and Mildred tried to murder us both just because we looked at the calf.

David left to get the Bobcat and a rope, and more children.  We have plenty of children.

I really feel the need to stress to you just how much Mildred wanted us dead.  I really need you to grasp this.

So we try many different things and we are completely unsuccessful.  Finally, David tells me that he will keep Mildred away from me and I need to pick up Winnie and place her in the Bobcat bucket.

And I do.  And as soon as I place the calf in the bucket, David yells at me to run.

And run, I did.  Because Mildred was coming after me.  And I may look tough, but she would definitely win that battle.

I ran and ran and now my whole body is confused because it has not run in many years.

Winnie the calf is currently on the floor of our laundry room.  I do not think she will survive.  I am not sure what is wrong with her.  Maybe pneumonia.

We gave her some meds and have been trying to feed her.  She was unable to drink from the bottle, so we have been giving her little syringe fulls of milk.

So.  There you go.

Quarantine.  Day 28.

Readers.

Can we not admit that the world is now a strange, unfamiliar place?  I don’t even know what is going on anymore.  I think it is still MARCH.  How are we still in March?  What day is it?  How long is March?

So.  We are in the middle of a global pandemic.  I have no idea when or if I will see my students again.  This brings me great sadness, as this was one of the best classes I have ever had.  I miss them so much.

So.  Let us update you on the goings on over here.

A list.  Of random things and thoughts.

1.  I have observed that David brushes his teeth for a ridiculously long time each morning.  He brushes them as he feeds the calves and starts his van and makes his coffee.  It is incredulous.
2. Today we have had rain, snow, and hail.  The sky cleared up for a bit, so I kicked the boys outside.  Little Dude desperately wanted to give the horses a bath.  AND I SAID YES.  Because I want them OUTSIDE.  I don’t think he knows how to bathe horses.  I wish him luck.
3. Yesterday, we had similar weather.  It finally cleared up in the afternoon and I kicked the boys outside.  They came in with a bunch of eggs they had found about the property.  Yes.  We have eggs all over our property now.  We are THOSE PEOPLE.  And “Mom can we hatch them and sell them and keep all the money.”  So, fine.
4. Forty-nine eggs are currently in incubators on my counter.
5. Little Dude is still trying to bathe the horses and it is also snowing again.
6. I am so thankful I have acres to kick my boys out onto.  I need them to GO AWAY sometimes.  Is that bad?
7. Little Dude is extremely impulsive these days.  He is growing like crazy and all of his clothes are too small all the time.  Today, he took a shower with the puppy.  No one knows why.  Not even him.
8. I went to a livestock auction with David and the boys.  I had some Christmas money tucked away in my wallet and was hoping for a bottle calf.  Because I am home all the time and totally have time to feed a bottle calf.  But I did not get one.
9. Little Dude bought a pregnant sow.
10. David bought pigs and a bred cow.
11. Handsome Dude bought a bred cow.
12. Mama Cat is pregnant.
13. I had the kids write letters to their Great Grandma today.  I feel the need to share the opening lines from the boys’ letters.  Handsome Dude:  “Hope you can survive this uncertain time.”  Little Dude:  “I hope you are doing well during these unpleasant times.  And you are really healthy and still having fun times at your place.”  Perfect.
14. While we were the livestock auction, the governor shut down our state.  This is a weird and wild time, Friends.
15. Every day, I check on all my cow friends and text David the morning report.  Every morning, I text, “No calves.  No one looks close.  Everyone is alive.”  I am very helpful.
16. Today!  Today, it was treacherous weather and I had seen all the cows except Seattle.  Her name is Seattle for reasons I shall not explain at this time.  I was about to give up because I am not a fan of being outside in precipitation, but I forged on and found her-WITH A NEW CALF.  Kate suggested we name it Covey, short for Covid-19.
17. I made a banana cream pie from scratch yesterday.  I have no idea what possessed me to do it.  But I did it.  David: “Wow.  We had all the ingredients on hand to make a pie from scratch?”  Me:  “Yes.  We have a pantry that is stocked for the end of the world.  Like everyone else.”
18. We have something to do tomorrow!  This is exciting!  I am going to fire up the rig and drive the children to town.  We are going to be checking out some extra devices for our new online learning adventure that will start after Spring Break.
19. Little Dude has moved on from bathing horses and is now bathing dogs.
20. Oh!  Handsome Dude turned 13 and Hadley turned 16.  And, let me tell you.  It is hard to have your Sweet 16 whilst on quarantine.  Ask me how I know.

How are you doing, Readers?  Take care!

Well.  Life sure looks different.

Want to have a good time?  Introduce the concept of ¨social distancing¨ to your teens.

¨What do you mean I can´t hang out with my friends?!?¨

These are hard times, my friends.

On Tuesday, I was the most hated woman in America when I added some light school work to the chore list.

Later, I made homemade banana bread and I became the most favored woman in America.

My status was quickly taken back down to ¨Most Hated Woman in America¨ when I did not agree to take the boys kayaking.

In March.

We do not live in a warm climate, Friends.

And also, did you know there is no way people can survive without seeing their friends?

The dogs are loving this new time of social distancing.  They are taking 2-3 walks a day with me around the property to check on the cows.

Alert:  The cows are still refusing to give birth and bring me joy.

I need a calf in my life.  I shall name it Corona.

I am trying to connect with my class through Google Classroom.  I miss their sweet faces and the fact that they do not sigh at me with disgust like my own kids.  My students actually like me and I think they might think I am the bee´s knees.

Little Dude is officially exactly as tall as me.

For all my parenting life, the girls have been hard on me and my looks.

¨Mom?  Is that actually what you are going to wear today?¨

¨I guess that outfit is ok.  I mean, I would never wear it.¨

And the boys have always loved me with an unconditional love.

Until last night.

Little Dude, my baby, the one whom I lovingly refer to as Cokey the Bear, said this last night:

¨Mom.  Did you know Kate (his sister) is trying to get fit?  It is probably because she does not want to end up with a body like yours.¨

What the what?

I shall now pick up all the pieces of my broken heart.

How is it going at your house, Reader?

Stay Strong!

So.  A lot has happened.

We just found out schools will be out for a few weeks to help control the spread of the virus.  We had no time to prepare our students, send them home with anything, or even say goodbye.  I am hoping to connect with the kids through online learning, however, I do not think all of my students have access to internet at home.

David and I braved Costco this weekend to make sure we are all stocked up on what we need so we do not have to leave the house much.

Me:  Well, at least we know we will not starve!

David:  Yeah.  I mean, I guess we can butcher a cow and cook it over the wood stove.

Me:  !

Me:  What on earth do you think is going to happen?  I just think we are going to have a well-stocked pantry.

And my cows are for companionship, not for nourishment.

I have sad news, Readers.

David sold my cute calf, Jesse James.

I could not bear to watch the transaction.  But I had a lot to say when the deal was done.

Me:  Did you tell them his name?

David:  Nope.

Me:  Did you introduce them to his mom?

David:  Nope.

Me:  Did you tell them he was born to Babs on August 5, 2019?

David:  Nope.

Me:  Did you tell them that your wife could send them the video of his actual birth, plus several photos of his first six months of life?

David:  Nope.

It´s almost like it was all for naught.

Oh!  And here is a newsflash:

Taylor knows nothing about cows about to go into labor.

I have been religiously checking cows every morning and every evening, hoping for signs of impending labor.  And I will be 100% sure that one of the gals is about to bring joy into my life.  And so far, I have been 100% wrong.

The new puppy, Charlie,  fancies going along with me to check on the stock.

Charlie is not one bit afraid of cows.  And she should be.  She has made enemies out of them and they wish to murder her.

In the above photo, you can see her getting close to a bull calf named Coco.  Moments later, she decides to jump on him and play bite him and try to get him to play with her.

He moos like a big baby and runs away.

Charlie follows and barks and jumps and bites.

And just like that, EVERY cow, not just Coco´s mama, started their angry mooing sounds and went after Charlie.

And Charlie jumped on out of the way and ran off.

Only to come and jump up and try to bite a cow´s tail moments later.

***

I hope you are all well.  Things feel a bit out of sorts with this virus.  It is so weird to have so many things shut down and canceled.

Stay safe and healthy, Friends!

Today in class, one of my sweet girls proudly brought me a sealed envelope.

Student:  Mrs. M.  I wrote this for the whole class.  I need you to read it to EVERYONE.  But, actually, I need you to sing it to everyone.

Me:  Ooh!  Ok, we will do it later this morning.

So we get into the morning and right before morning recess I remember her letter/song.

I call her up with me and we open it together and this child is beaming sunbeams of absolute joy and pride.

And Readers, I kid you not, she had written out on four pages the lyrics to the entire song of ¨7 Years¨ by Lukas Graham.  Here is a link if you would like to hear the song.

So, I start to read the lyrics and she reminds me that I must sing.  So I am trying to sing the song and the entire class is laughing because, well, I sound ridiculous, and I am just hoping that the lyrics of the song are first grade appropriate.

I sang/read a bit of it and then we talked about why she wrote it.  She was so proud and said it was her favorite song and she knew it by heart.  I was impressed by the neatness of her handwriting and her spelling.

So that is how one of my students spent her four day weekend.

Would you like to hear what I did with mine?

Stared at the lady parts of all my cows.

Stuff was happening, things were exciting, yet, no calves were calved.  It was all very disappointing and not how I wanted my 4 day weekend to go.

I walked 20,000 steps around our property yesterday tracking them all.  I have several photos and many strange searches in my Google search history.

¨What should a cow´s vulva look like when in labor?¨

¨What should a cow´s vulva look like on a normal day?¨

I have no shame.

Here is what we know, Friends:

Some of the cows have a lot of mucus-y discharge.  According to THE GOOGLE, that COULD mean they MIGHT calve within about two weeks.

Cows lift their tails to poop and pee, but they also lift when they are pushing out A CALF.

And please picture me, if you will, standing in the cow mud/poop, elated, waiting with bated breath each time one of my bovine friends lifts her tail.  Only to have all my hopes and dreams shattered when poo emerged instead of a new calf friend for me to enjoy.

It was all a huge disappointment.

But!  The eight calves survived The Great Grain Over Feeding Travesty of 2020.  All is well.

Anyways, I have calves on the brain.  Since it is getting light out earlier now, I was able to walk around and check on all my cow pals this morning before work.  And then I totally ditched my whole family in the city and drove home right after work so I could do another head count.  And stare at cow bottoms.

For school today, I ended the day at a teacher training.  The leader of the training had us separate into two groups:  one group being people who spent most of the weekend indoors, and the other group being people who spent most of the weekend outdoors.

I have less than ideal hearing, so I had to ask a friendly stranger from another school what the directions were.

Friendly Stranger:  Oh, you go there if you were inside most of the weekend and over here if you were outside.

Me:  Oh. I was definitely outside.  I am waiting for a bunch of cows to calve.  It was all very exciting.  I have a bunch of pictures of cows and their back ends on my phone, too!

Friendly Stranger:  Wow.

Me:  Yup.  I cannot wait to get home and check to see if I have any calves.

Friendly Stranger:  Yes.  I can see how that would be exciting.

Upon reflection, I feel like I overshared with Friendly Stranger.  I might need to reign in my excitement a bit.

Thoughts?

Happy Tuesday!