The Lumberjack's Wife

I have a new diet plan for everyone!  Are you ready for it?

It’s called:  Load three pigs in someone’s trailer, wash your hands religiously, try to eat a snack, and every time you bring a bite to your mouth, you smell pigs.

Whoosh!  Nasty!

I scrubbed and scrubbed.  Why do they still smell?  And now I feel bad for all the times I lovingly yelled at David for smelling like pigs.  He would always tell me he washed and I was a total brat and did not believe him.

And now.  I have the same affliction.

Also.  Full disclosure.

I still ate my entire snack.  I’m not gonna let a trivial thing like pig stank ruin my yummy treat.

I earned it.

So, it has now happened twice that I, yes I, Taylor Maliblahblah, have sold pigs to kind country folk all by myself.  And I am a total dork when the sale goes down.

Me:  Hi!  I am not really the farm and ranchy person but I can try to help you!

Says the lady standing in front of them who is wearing muck boots, a Carhartt coat, has horses and cows behind her, and is grabbing fat squealy pigs to load in their trailer.

Weird-o.

You guys.  I grab these little weaners like it ain’t no thang.  It is really quite simple.

And, I don’t mean to tootle my own horn, but I can totally genderify them now.  I don’t know how I figured it out.  It just came to me!  Like a gift.  The gift has not yet come to me for genderifying kittens.  Hopefully someday.

Today.

Today, I met the nicest folk.  Eric and Rory.  I know these are their names because their clothing told me so.

Eric and Rory are probably my new best friends.  They stayed and chatted with me for a good half hour.  ABOUT FARM STUFF.  As if.

Eric showed me pictures of his cows on his phone.  And I was all agog.  And he saw my cows behind me and he complimented me on my “nice Angus herd.”

Then we got to talking about the children and I told them the ages of my kids and Eric and Rory were simply shocked that I could have a 17 year old.

“What, did you have her when you were like 10?”

See.  New best friends.

I am definitely over this whole pig business.  I kicked Weston out of the dog crate because enough is enough already.  He is back with his brothers and sisters.  Hadley does not seem to care.  And I am pretty sure he is still alive out there.

***

I rarely leave the house.  Yesterday was my big day, and our state is reopening things so I was all excited to get some shopping done.

My first stop was to be Maurices.  Sadly, they were still shut down. Oh, I love Maurices.  It is what I like to wear when I am not loading pigs into people’s trailers.

Then I went to TJ Maxx.  I have been DYING to go to TJ Maxx.  I love buying scented candles there and a gal who has 200 pigs at her place deserves four peony scented candles.

You guys.  TJ Maxx was completely cleaned out. Bare shelves everywhere.  Not one candle was to be seen.  I guess when they opened, they had a bunch of panic shoppers and now their inventory is all gone.  Epic bummer.  Saved some money though.

***

We need to talk about the kittens.  Every time I google “How old do kittens need to be to leave their mothers,” that dang Google machine tells me 8 weeks.  8 weeks is no bueno.  We are at like week 4-5, Friends.  I don’t know how much longer I can endure.  I mean, I love them, but it is a lot of feline friends in one bathroom.  The kittens are very active now and climbing up everything.

When I stand at the sink and brush my hair, they climb up my legs.  Also-I am totally turning into a crazy cat lady.  David may have caught me *ahem* using the toilet and *ahem* snuggling a kitten.

It just started to crawl up my leg.  How could I resist?

I fear I have been quarantined too long.

The kittens are starting to eat cat food.  When can I find them loving homes that are not my bathroom?

And.  I am trying to get David to let me keep my favorite kitten, who is darling, and I have already named Philip.

Is not Philip the perfect name for my new cat friend?  I am about 50% sure Philip is a boy.

Happy Thursday!

When David emerged from the shower at 4:45 am this morning, he saw me, sitting up in bed with my computer and drinking coffee.

You might ask:  Taylor!  What could a gal possibly do on her computer at 4:45am?

Well.  I am a magical teacher in the early morning hours, as my internet works much faster and all of my children are fast asleep.  This is my routine every day since school shut down.

David:  What are you doing up so early?

Sigh.  I am usually up this early with him.  His question is dumb.

Me:  What are YOU doing up so early?

David:  Well.  Someone has to actually work.

David.  Time of death:  4:46am.  Cause of death:  Coronavirus.

Fun Fact:  We should be in Mexico right now celebrating our almost 20th anniversary.

Bummer.

You know what is more fun than going to Mexico?

Being responsible for 200 pigs.

Update:  We have sold 40, but I enjoy saying 200 because it makes everything seem more dramatic.  And drama is key when someone is telling you their woes about 200 piglets.

Friday.

On Friday, Hadley and LD were in charge of cleaning up the pigs living in the crate.  I told LD to THROW THE TOWELS AWAY, so you can all rest easy.  I am NOT putting that in my washing machine, thankyouverymuch.

David suggested we switch to hay instead of towels, so he won my heart with that idea.

Hay for a pig instead of a beach towel.  Who would have thought?

Hadley, who apparently loves raising piglets, decided to go above and beyond and wash the three piglets in our jetted tub.

Because that is what jetted tubs are for.

Also, the astute reader might notice that there are only two piglets in the bathtub.  She was holding her precious baby piglet who she named Weston and cradling him after his bath.

Hadley:  Mom.  Look at how clean Weston looks.  I used soap on him.  I didn’t use soap on the others because they don’t deserve it.

No, reader.  I do not understand her logic either.  But I also do not care that much and just mostly wanted her to be done with that nonsense and start bleaching the tub.

The astute reader might also remember that we have two mother cats and six kittens living in the bathroom.  Well, they decided to run amok in the living room during the piglet bath sesh, so life was a bit crazy.  I had to make sure to not step on a kitten and Charlie the puppy was very curious and chasing everyone around.  The mother cats despise Charlie with all their beings, so there was hissing and scratching and also we had baby chicks that we had to hope no cats, kittens, or puppies would chew on.

Then that dang Norma Jean Riley grabbed a kitten in her mouth and raced downstairs and hid the kitten in the storage room.  So I had to grab the remaining kittens and shut them up in a different bathroom and then go find the missing kitten and life just felt like a bit much again.

#overit.

So that was Friday morning and I sprayed Febreeze and lit some candles and hoped my house smelled lovely and not like pigs at all.

And then I had to sell some pigs.  And let me tell you, you meet the NICEST people when selling pigs.  For realz.  Country folk are sure pleasant.

As I was helping sell pigs, Friendly Pig Purchaser Lady and I were chatting away.  As people are wont to do during a pig transaction.  We grabbed a pig that had a hernia.

Me:  Oh, don’t take this one, it has a hernia.

Friendly Pig Purchaser Lady:  Well, you know how to fix those don’t you?

Me:  We are trying to figure that out actually.

Friendly Pig Purchaser Lady:  Oh, it is easy!  You grab yourself a large button, place it over the hernia, and use duck tape to wrap around the pig.  Once the other pigs eat the tape off, the hernia is fixed.  I did that with three pigs once and they all went on to have litters.

Well, I’ll be darned!  Friendly Pig Purchaser Lady for the win!  That sounded way easier than what David had planned for night.

And, oh!  Did I tell you?  David was planning on performing surgery.  He had seen a YouTube video on it and was all ready to go.  With suture kits and everything.

I called him and told him to forget surgery and get large buttons and duck tape.  And is it duck tape or duct tape?  And, listen to this, reader:  David listened to me.

!

And yes, of course pigs would eat duck/duct tape off of each other.  Have you met pigs?

Friday Afternoon:

I had company!  I was sure hopeful that my Febreeze and candles were doing a swell job of masking the smell of the 3 pigs living in a crate in my living room.

You guys.  I don’t even know how to talk to people anymore.  I am not a normal human.  I have been quarantined for too long over here and doing too many animal things and I just cannot even relate to myself anymore.

As I was trying to talk to my company, I just kept listening to myself talking about chicks and cows and pigs and hernias and I just don’t even know who I am.

Then I babysat my niece and nephew.

Aunt Taylor?  Why are their pigs living in our house?

My niece and nephew are 5 and 3 and they think we are so cool.  It is fun because my own children definitely do not think I am one bit of fun.

My nephew is oozing with preciousness.  He loves me.  He is also on repeat all day:

Taylor, don’t forget that after dinner, we are having our SLUMBERING party!

I did not forget. He reminded me 19 times.

He is also really into thumbs up-ing everything.

Here he is with Hadley

All my kids were very helpful with their cousins, so that made babysitting them for a weekend a breeze.

Can we discuss the size of Little Dude?  Should we rename him?

Sleeping with a 3 year old is not as much fun as it sounds.  They are very squirmy and sometimes wake up at 1am and ask if it is time to feed cows?

When I woke up, my nephew was still asleep and David was in the kitchen getting coffee.  I decided to tiptoe out of there and let him sleep.  I went to the bathroom and I heard him calling from the bedroom:

Nephew (sounding like a zombie):Tayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-Werrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

David popped his head in and said good morning to him.

Nephew (sounding like he had just consumed 8 cups of coffee):  David!  Let’s feed the cows!  They need their breakfast!  I will help you.  I want Taylor to help me potty and you to help me get dressed.  And then we will feed the cows. 

It was all very precious.

***

Saturday Night.

On Saturday night, we were all happily chatting and visiting on our back deck.  I saw someone walking towards us.  I did a headcount and determined the person walking towards us was not one of us.

It was a stranger!  He just came walking up out of the cow pen!  He would have had to jump our fence to get in there.

This was a very unusual situation.  We have had deer trespass and sometimes a moose, but never a HUMAN BEING.

He was quite nice, but very confused.  The whole thing was very strange.  Apparently he was hiking and got a bit lost.  He lived a couple of miles away and David drove him home.

When David pulled up the man’s home, there was a lady in the driveway.

“Oh.  I see you brought Gil home.”

And then she disappeared.

So that was different.

Anyways, I must hop in the shower and then make a bunch of videos.  But remember, I don’t work like David does, so I must just be doing those videos for my own kicks and grins.

Later, Dudes.

People:  Taylor!  You are so lucky to live where you live!  I am so jealous!

Me:  Oh, yes.  It is magical!

Speaking of magical:

Would you like to know what screaming piglets inside of your house sounds like:

Piggies in the House

I am feeling a bit better about my current situation.  Yesterday was a pretty chill day regarding the piglets.  Chicks were hatching and that was cute and fun.  I went on a walk to check cows and found Matilda with a newborn calf!

And here is the calf 8 hours later:

She just jumped into the feeder to hide from David.  Matilda did not care for her shenanigans.

***

Kate:  Mom.  When I get home from work tonight, remind me I need to take a test.

Me:  Ok.  Our house is not going to be the best place to focus on a test.

Kate:  Why?

Me:  Well.  We have three piglets in the crate in the house and your Uncle is coming by to deliver a bunch of pipe so Dad can build a bridge and we are babysitting your cousins and Dad is going to attempt to perform a surgical procedure on a piglet.

Kate (unfazed):  Well, it is not like I can take the test anywhere else.  The whole world is shut down.

Me:  True.  Ok, we will hope for the best.

Let the records show:  25 pigs have been sold.

So that is something.

David to Hadley:  I am going to need you to take the towels out of the pig crate and wash them.

Me:  Should we wash them?  Or throw them away?  I am not sure what the correct procedure is for dealing with towels piglets have been living on?

I do, in fact, have an amazing washing machine.  I have spoken to you about it before.  It has this cycle called:

Sanitize with Oxi

STEAM COMES OUT OF THE MACHINE.  It makes me truly feel like it is cleaning things, no?

But what about pig towels?  Mind you, piglets have been living on these towels for a couple of days.

I guess I could run them through about 8 times?  Would that do it?

And then never allow humans to use them again?  They can be farm animal towels?

Or maybe just throw them away and wash my hands of it?

Happy Friday!

Last night, as I was scrubbing pig poop off my Apple Watch at 9:45pm, I decided that I might be officially “over it.”

David called last night on his way home.  At the time I was on a walk to check the cows and he had many questions about the pigs, so I made my way over to them.

I observed the situation and told David what I saw.

Me:  Basically, we just have too many pigs.

And that about sums it up.

We have too many pigs.  200 was too many.  Who would have thought? Live and learn.

Now.  I am going to tell you about last night.  But there is something you must understand before I tell you about last night.  And that is this:

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON.

David arrives home around 7pm.  We look at the piglets and decide they definitely do not have enough room.

Because 200 was too many.

We have them living in the chicken coop area.  But we feel like some of the piglets are not getting access to food as much as the others and we need to remedy that situation.

Because 200 was too many.

So, David, HD, and I make a temporary shelter in our stock trailer.  We put hay down and were getting ready to transport them over.  And then David says we need to give the pigs a shot of antibiotics.

Why?  I do not know.  Do not ask me. I do not care.  I am not a pig farmer.

So we decide to give everyone the shot, load the pigs into the trailer as a way to sort them, and then move most of the pigs back to the chicken coop and have some of the pigs live in the stock trailer.

HD was helpful as can be, but would not stop talking.

The piglets were not helpful as can be.  They literally acted like they were being murdered anytime anyone touched them.  I really wanted to take video so you could hear the screaming, but I feared that would irritate my husband.  It is probably not a good idea to stop and use your phone when you are helping your husband sort 200 screaming piglets.  I just really need you to understand how chaotic two hours of 200 piglets screaming is.

HD:  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  How about this?  How about you shoot the piglets and I will put them behind this divider in the stock trailer.

HD: Dad!  Let’s put all the shot ones there.

HD:  Dad!  Dad!  You are fast at shooting them!

Me:  Dude.  You are saying this all wrong.  We are not shooting the pigs.  Dad is giving them a shot.

HD:  Same thing.

Me:  Nope.

HD:  Dad!  Dad!  Dad!  Is it good that we have boys and girls?

HD:  Dad!  Dad! Dad!  Dad!  Here!  Shoot this one!

At first, my job was to hold the piglets while David SHOT THEM.  The piglets are small and it is not hard to hold them, but again, they act like the biggest drama queens you have ever seen in your entire life and they literally scream bloody murder.  It was hours of bloody murder screaming, people.  We don’t have “neighbors” in the regular sense.  But I was sure some of our “neighbors” might call the cops on us.  It was that bad.

And then.  David found one with an abscess.  And my job was to hold the piglet while David tried to drain the abscess.  This took some time.  There was a lot of screaming.  From the pig, not me.

At one point, I felt liquid pouring onto my boots.

HD:  Don’t worry, Mom!  The pus is not getting on you.  The piglet is just peeing.

Excellent.

And then, we found a piglet with a hernia.  And since David watches Dr. Pol, this is what we did:

I held the piglet and listened to it scream.

HD asked David 4.2 billion questions.

David pushed the hernia back in and put duct tape over it.

The pig shooting and sorting took a couple of hours.  I was feeling a bit fussy at the end because I had not yet been fed.  And Taylor doesn’t like to miss her meals.  Also, I still have a piglet living in a dog crate in my house.  And I just feel like it might all be too much for me.

Me:  David.  I think I have reached my limit.

David:  Why’s that?

For the love.

Also.  Remember how LD smelled like pig poop even after many showers?

I smell like pig poop.  And I guarantee you, I scrubbed.

***

Chicks are hatching.  I am trying to be a magical teacher about that, but I have a lot going on over here.

And I *might* be over it.

***

Oh!  I am also trying to homeschool the fab four.  So that’s going well.

***

A pig is literally grunting in my living room right now.  I can hear it.  I also hear chicks chirping.

***

Oh!  I thought the chickens didn’t ever go in the coop anymore.  I know.  You might say:

Taylor.  That is crazy talk.  Why wouldn’t chickens be in the CHICKEN COOP?

Well, Reader.  It is a long story that involves me not understanding and David redoing the chicken fence a couple of years ago to make room for more pigs and then the new fence not being high enough and the chickens making themselves free range because they could just fly over the fence and no one has time to care or fix the fence and the chickens are just everywhere.

But as I put SHOT piglets into the coop, I saw a few good hens!  And it pleased me to know  that some hens were still using their coop.

And now they must share the coop with a bunch of screaming piglets.  They are probably just as confused as I am.

***

Hadley is very concerned with our dog crate piglet.  She calls it her piglet and feels the need to love and name it.  Which is fine and wonderful and not at all overwhelming.

***

LD is always up to something.  Like in this photo.  I caught him trying to sneak the puppy into the hot tub with him.

So.  That’s an update on the goings-on over here.

Happy Thursday!

Yes, hello.  I am tired and freezing.  Please allow me to fill you in on recent events.

1.  Pig sales are in full swing.
2. David called yesterday at 6am to see if Kate could transport two piglets on her way to work.  This irritated Kate because, “I do not want pigs in MY car.”  So I told her she could take my car.
3. The pig people wanted two girls.  Lucky for me, not only do I have no idea how to genderfy kittens, I also don’t know how to genderfy pigs.  And, no.  Genderfy is not a word.  I made it up!
4. Me on the phone to David:  I have found one with nipples!  Lots of nipples!  Does that mean it is a girl?
   David:  No, they all have nipples.
5. Why is it so hard?
6. Once we got what we hope are two females loaded into a dog kennel, we loaded it into my car.  But my car would not start.  Story of my life.  So, I told Kate she had to take the pigs in HER car and it would be fine.  She wanted me to know that she would prefer to not make this  a habit.  Understandable.
7. I would like you to know that I used the power of YouTube and figured out that I needed to replace a battery in my key fob and my problem is now solved.  GO ME.
8. Then we sold four more pigs.
9. Today it was raining a treacherous rain.  All kids decided that all pigs were near death from the rain and were in full panic mode.  Two sickly pigs were brought into our home.  HD built a fire and Kate and Hadley lovingly cared for the little oinkers.  Our farm dog, Abbie, would not leave their side.

One is in a basket and one is in a kennel.

10.  We tried many things.  We gave them penicillin.  We gave them food and water.  We warmed them up.  We don’t know what we are doing.  I want you to understand that I, yes, I, Taylor Maliblablah, injected penicillin into two pig bottoms.

11.  Then I had to go and find all the cows.  Two of our cows are “supposedly” supposed to have babies soon, so I had to go traipsing about the property to locate everyone.  I looked for almost an hour and could not locate Matilda, one of the gals who we feel is close. So, naturally, I am all agog thinking she is probably birthing AT THIS VERY MOMENT IN TIME.

12. I came back, soaking wet, just in time to hear that basket piglet died and people were here to buy 7 pigs.

13.  Who needs 7 pigs?  Seriously?

14.  Oh!  Also!  I am hatching chicks on my counter for my virtual students and there is a whole lotta chirping going on in those eggs right now.

15.  Then we sold 3 more pigs.

16.  Then HD found a dead pig outside.  For reasons unbeknownst to everyone.

17.  One pig is still alive in the dog kennel.

18.  I have dry pants on and am drinking tea, so I feel much happier.

19.  But, alas.  I just saw Matilda and she looks absolutely fine and not at all like she just had a baby.

20.  We can’t get pig smell off of LD.  He smells rank.  He has already taken three showers today.  He is assuring us he is using soap.  I feel like he might be telling the truth because he is now the #1 Fan of Dove Beauty Bars.  I normally buy Irish Spring, but had to buy Dove, and he is all about it.

“Oooh, Mom.  I am loving this Dove beauty bar.”

He calls it “Dove Beauty Bar” every time he speaks of it.

But today, after the shower, he made us smell his skin and all share in his disappointment that he still smelled like pigs, and not like a Dove Beauty Bar.

Happy Tuesday!

Well, here is a new hobby of mine:

Sitting on the deck in the evening with a cozy blanket and a basket of kittens at my feet.

I give it two thumbs up.

I forgot to tell you about this super precious card one of my students wrote to me to give me last Friday when he saw me for the first time since the shut down:

Dear Mrs. M

I really miss you.  I hoped we could see you again one day and it is finally here.

So that about killed me dead.

Reader.  Do you recall me telling you that the whole family was going into the pig business together?

Well.  Our PigVenture started yesterday.

Yes.  On Mother’s Day, of all the days.

The pigs arrived by semi.

Did I tell you how many we were buying?

200.

And please imagine this:  Taylor and children unloading and counting pigs while David was chatting away with Mr. Pig Truck Driver.

Taylor.  Handling pigs.  David.  Chatting.

I am attempting to share a video with you so you can hear the squealing.

Pigs act like they are about to die if they are touched.  They are quite dramatic.

So the pigs are cute.  And all is well.  And how long do you think until my property smells?

Lest there be any confusion, we are trying to resell these pigs as fast as possible.

Some people flip houses.

We are flipping pigs.

***

Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day was lovely.  I received gifts of many flowers.  The boys got me two hanging baskets and I was so surprised!

David got me two MORE hanging baskets and the girls got me my favorite blue hydrangea bush.

Fun Fact:  I have tried to plant a hydrangea plant about ten times in my life and I always kill the plant dead.

Can anyone help me?  I would prefer hydrangeas were in my life.  It would help to look at them when I am done counting my pigs.

A bunch of family came over.

We hiked.

David charmed the young nieces and nephew with horses and cows and farm tours.

My nephew, who loves me, made me my very own telephone for Mother’s Day.  Apparently he forgot to make his mother something and was in tears Mother’s Day morn.  But he remembered me!

Nephew:  Taylor.  I made you a telephone.  But it is made of paper and paper might tear.  Be careful with it!  If you rip it, I can make you a new one.

My mother in law brought over Season 1 of the Waltons so I can enjoy my Walton friends even more.

Alright.  I gotta go.  Someone is coming to look at four pigs this morning and I must look presentable!

Wish me luck!

Well, look at these handsome fellows.

I believe you are looking at Rocky and Dutch Bro, each about a year old.

They are in David’s holding tank for steers.

That means they will be meat in the fall.  Goshdarnit.  They are too cute to eat, are they not?

Kittens!

Hadley snapped this photo of our six little kittens last night.  HD and I were trying to hold them in place for a cute picture.  This was not an easy feat.  The kittens are so so cute and the mama cats could not be more pleased with themselves.  They are very fat and meow-y and love to rub up against everyone whenever we mention to them what a fine job they are doing rearing the youngins.

And when I say everyone, of course I just mean LD and I.  For we are the only ones who like the cats.

But let me tell you this:  Norma Jean Riley LOATHES the cute puppy, Charlie.  If Charlie even comes near her, she tries to slay her with her murderous claws.  She does not mind the other dogs.  In fact, she oft snuggles with Tank.  But she wants Charlie’s blood.

***

Today was a special day.  I got to go to the school with all the other teachers and the kids drove through the parking lot so we could wave.

Isn’t this a wild time to be alive?  I mean, what is going on?

Anyways.  My heart is shattered into a million pieces because this was the best class ever and now I don’t get to be with them anymore AND our district rezoned the boundaries and about a third of my students won’t even be at my school next year.  That’s not the way it is supposed to be!  I am supposed to get to see them in the halls and hug them at recess and have them be 5th grade reading buddies when they are older and are starting to need to wear deodorant.

Very sad.

But, today!  Today, I got to see a lot of my students and it filled my heart with joy.  I was given many flowers and cards and other lovely gifts.

One mother gave me a bottle of wine.

Her daughter:  Mom!  Mrs. M does not drink that stuff!

Daughter’s Mom:  She has four kids and is a teacher.  Of course she does.

Ha!

***

Little Dude, who should no longer be named Little Dude because he is currently the tallest dude, has been very sneaky as of late.

He keeps filling up a glass of water and then going outside.  And then coming back with it empty.

Well.  Remember.  I am a teacher AND a mom of four and sometimes my patience is gone.

Me:  What on earth are you doing with that water?!

LD:  Nothing, Mom!

Me:  No, not nothing!  What are you doing?

LD:  Gosh, Mom!  It is for your Mother’s Day gift!  And now it is ruined!

Me:  No, it is not ruined.  I have no idea what it is.  Honest.

It was a nice save, no?

Precious.  And maybe I should feel badly for getting on to him?

So, I was on a walk this evening, and look at what I came across:

Ok:

First of all:  This is precious.

Second of all:  Is he climbing the roof of the hay barn to water flowers for me?

Happy Friday!

There is one thing I am certain of:

I will never be selected to write a parenting book.

I might be selected to be a family that could be the inspiration for the dire need of a parenting book.

I have four quaranTEENS and everyone is sassy and moody and hungry and hates everything and is hyper and is silly and is bored and is angry all the time.

Let us discuss yesterday.

Yesterday, Hadley left to go to town.  She stopped halfway for gas.  She called me at the gas station to let me know she had locked her keys in the car and could someone please bring the spare?

Well, I was busy being an online magical teacher, so I enlisted Kate.  I told Kate she could take my car to save on gas.

Kate leaves.  I get a call soon after.

Kate:  Mom.  The trailer is hooked up to your car.

David used the car last and David did not unhitch the trailer.

Me:  Ok.  I can send the boys out to unhitch it or you can take your car and I will pay you back.

Full Disclosure:  I offered the boys because:

a)  I did not want to go outside at the moment.

b)  I really do not know how to unhitch trailers.  And they do.

Kate:  I will just take my car.

Me:  Ok, thank you.

So, I go back to my magical teaching and I get another call from Kate.  This time she is in full panic mode and yelling:

“I need the boys!  I need the boys!”

So, I run outside and she is nowhere to be found.

Me:  Where are you?!

Kate:  Down the road a ways.

Me:  Did you drive away without realizing you were hauling a trailer?

Kate:  Well, kind of, I guess.

So turns out she was trying to turn around and things did not go well for her.

HD hears the convo and immediately springs into action.  He fires up the four wheeler and goes down the road to where his sister and my car are.  He switches her spots.  Kate drives home on the fourwheeler, and HD, the 13 year old, backed the trailer up, turned it all around, drove it home, and then backed it into a parking space at home.

I would like the records to show that I have never done anything like that with any vehicle.

***

Today.

I was creating more magical videos for my students.  Whenever I create videos, I hang a sign on the front door.  It reads:

“Please come in quietly!  I am making videos!”

Earlier this week, LD ruined a video by peeing off the back deck.  Because we are a high class family.  And no, I do not know why he pees off the deck.  I hope he doesn’t pee off other people’s decks.

Anyways.  The boys were outside with their father (hallelujah!) and the girls were gone, so I hung the sign and I made the videos.

Oh, I was on a roll, Friends.  Also, I have created 92 videos since this whole thing started.  And not one of them is excellent.

I was reading Charlotte’s Web chapter 16, which is a pretty long chapter.  I was about 2/3 through it when the girls came home.  They did try to enter quietly, but the dogs barked.  Well there was no way I was starting that video over, so I just chatted with my virtual students about how the dogs always bark when someone comes in and I kept on reading.

Very professional.

So the girls are quietly doing this and that and I finish reading the chapter.  Once I finish the video I get up and start to do my usual mom things.

You know.  Dishes, laundry, dishes, wiping, laundry, sweeping, dishes.

I glance at the girls and Hadley is wearing swim bottoms and a t shirt.  I ask her if she showed her hiney in my Charlotte’s Web video.

Hadley:  Oh!  You were making a video!  Oops.  I thought you were just recording your voice.

So.  I make her watch my painfully long Charlotte’s Web Chapter 16.

And yes.  You can see the cheeks of her hiney.  Very noticeably in the video.

So, I will be redoing that one as well.

I am killing it over here, people.

***

There are two mama cats and six kittens living in my bathroom.  It is starting to feel chaotic.  I kind of want to kick them outside, but I fear if I do that, the kittens will be all wild and most of them will probably die from, like, coyotes or birds of prey or something.

Thoughts?

Happy Tuesday!

PS-I made tacos tonight AND it was Cinco De Mayo.

Happy Accident.