The Lumberjack's Wife

I bought myself some headphone things that don’t have cords.  They are all the rage, you know.  I drive my children nuts because:

A)  I cannot identify them correctly.

B)  I cannot hear ANYTHING when using them

C)  I don’t fully understand how to disconnect the bluetooth on my phone and struggle with talking on my phone after I listen to my hip tunes.

But other than that, I am doing great with them.

Me:  Kids!  Don’t get mad!  I am going to be putting my AIR BUDS in.

Oh, the rage that ensues.  Apparently they are not AIR BUDS.  Where did I get that phrase?  The movie?

Me:  Sheesh.  Ear buds?  Air pods?  Ear pods?

I still don’t know what they are called.  I know they are not the expensive ones.  We shall call them the wireless headphones.  That sounds good.

So.  I cannot hear out of my right ear.  And I already annoy my kids with my less than ideal hearing, and then why I have my airbuds in, I REALLY cannot hear.

Oh, for the irritation of it all.

Then!  Then sometimes, I get a call.  And I go to settings and I disconnect the airpods, but then two minutes into the conversation they activate again, even though no one asked them to, and I struggle to try to get them turned off before the person I am talking to hangs up out of irritation.

This happens EVERY time I am on the phone with my mother.  I keep explaining to her why, but I fear she has no idea what I am talking about.  My parents struggle with technology.

In fact, here is a sample of one of our conversations as of late:

Me:  I have been trying to get a hold of you forever.

Mom:  My phone didn’t even ring!

Me:  I texted Dad.  I asked him to have you call me, just so you know.

Mom:  Oh, like I am going to hear from him.  He doesn’t hardly know how to use his phone.  He never answers texts or calls.  I don’t think he knows what a phone is for.

Me:  Bummer.

Mom:  I need a new phone.  Will I be able to figure out an iPhone?

Me:  Sure.

Mom:  I have no time to learn something new.

Me:  Well, I don’t think it will be that hard.

Mom:  Well, I heard it will be hard and I cannot handle anything hard right now.

Me:  Well, I think you will be fine.  I switched to one and it was no big deal.  But who knows if I am evening using the iPhone correctly?  I don’t know.

*crickets chirping*

Me:  Mom?

I look at the phone and those dang ear pods are connected again!  So I struggle.  And I disconnect.  Just in time to hear:

Mom:  Helllloooooo?

Me:  It is me.  It was the air phones again.

Mom:  Alright, well I gotta go.  I have no idea what time your father will be home.  Even though I ask him EVERY DAY to text me when he is on his way home.

Me:  Sorry, Ma.

We hang up.  I try to connect my Pandora and my airbuds.  And then I get a text from my dad:

On my way home.  Call Taylor.

Poor Dad.  He finally remembered to text his wife to tell her he was on his way home.  And he actually got my message and was following instructions.

But he texted me, and not mother.

So close.

***

David has been working like crazy these days.  He came home last night around 9 and he asked me how my day was.  So I took the opportunity to give him the literal play by play of my day.

Me:

Well.  I did my online lessons and videos and all that jazz.  I did the dishes.  Did the laundry.  Woke the kids up.  Checked the cows.  Of course no one was in labor, story of my life.  Tried to monitor the kids and their school work.  HD cannot handle being in front of the computer for more than 20 minutes.  LD won’t get off the computer.  LD is “doing homework” all morning long, and yet he has missing assignments.  How is this possible?  Then I try to help the girls with this and that, and I just end up annoying them.

And then I started to make lunch.  LD was annoyed at me because I told him to get off the computer and brush his teeth.  He didn’t want to brush his teeth until after lunch.  I didn’t care because I saw his teeth and they were gross.  So I made him a cheese quesadilla, per his request. He sat at the table and glared.   Then I told him to eat so he could get to the chores.  He refused because:

“My mouth is too minty fresh from brushing my teeth and my lunch will taste gross.”

So, I sent him out to do the chores without eating first.

And then I did more dishes.  And then the kids went to do the sticks.

*Interruption.  We must discuss sticks.  David makes the poor little Maliblahblah children pick up many trailers full of sticks daily.  Every day ends in a fight.  I get fourteen phone calls about it.  I just love the stick chore.*

While the kids were picking up their four trailers of sticks, I decided to create some math videos.  While one video was loading, Kate called to let me know that HD was being super annoying and trying to purposely run over everyone’s feet with the 4 wheeler.  So I tried to problem solve on the phone, but since the phone is my internet, the phone call was messing up my video upload, so that was less than ideal.

About a half of an hour later, HD comes walking towards me from all the way in the back 40.  He is fine.  But he walks all this way to tell me that the girls ran over his foot with the 4 wheeler and it might be broken.

But then he notices my new deck furniture arrived and he wanted to open it immediately and assemble it.  I say fine because I don’t know how to assemble it.

While he is assembling, I take a walk with Charlie to check on the cows.  No one is in labor and she does a nice job of not chasing anyone.  While I was on the walk, Abbie the dog opened the front door to let herself in (she does this all the time) and no one noticed to close the door.  So a robin flew into the house.

So the robin was in the house for awhile and HD was trying to assemble furniture and the girls were trying to do homework.  I asked LD to do a chore and he replied:

“No.  I have worked enough today.”

So, that didn’t work out for me.

Then I made dinner and went to feed the calves and check on the cows again.  This time, I did not take any dogs, but a cow still went after me like she wanted to murder me and that was very scary.  But I lived. When I came back the boys had gotten into a fight and HD purposely broke the outdoor furniture he was assembling out of anger towards his siblings.

HD was sassy with me so I sent him to bed.  He came up and hour later to apologize and then repaired and finished all the furniture.

He worked pretty hard on it.  I paid him.  Do you think I paid him enough?

David:  Yes!  He didn’t finish the stick job!

Me:  Ok.  How was your day?

David:  Um.  Fine.

***

I rototilled the garden today.  I used my EarPods and sang at the top of my lungs while doing so. I truly hope my kids could hear me.

We are hoping to plant an orchard in there and forget the stupid weed/vegetable/weed garden we normally cultivate.

Happy Saturday!

Guys, I have a slight problem.  The cute puppy, Charlie, fancies herself a cow herding dog.  But she doesn’t really know what she is doing.  At all.  And she ends up just infuriating all bovine.

I do not know how to make her stop.   She is like thirty pounds of insanity.

Yesterday, I was in the back 40 checking on the cows, as I am wont to do, when out of nowhere, there was a stampede coming towards me.  I literally had to jump out of the way to spare my life.

To SPARE my life.

I told this to David.  He seemed unimpressed.  This bothered me.  I would like someone to care that I almost died because of a crazy thirty pound puppy who does not listen to the word “no.”

On Tuesday night, Kate and I were enjoying some evening hot tub time when we saw Charlie chasing the heifers.  So, there we were, hanging over the side of the hot tub yelling at the dang dog to stop chasing the dang heifers.  And did she stop?  No.

I thought to myself:  These are the moments your kids are going to remember of your family.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

This quarantine thing is going on forever, don’t you think?

We are doing puzzles as a family.  So that’s new.

Oh!  And David and I are totally into watching The Waltons TV show right now.  So that’s fun.

Goodnight, Jim-Bob!  Goodnight, Mary Ellen!

I gave all the males a haircut.  David’s looks fine.  The boys look like their mom tried to cut their hair in quarantine.  It looks bad, but not bad enough to fix.

I am getting the hang of this online teaching thing, but it is just way better to have the kids in a classroom.

I am always trying to make videos and my own children think I am a lunatic.  I sit at the table and read books and teach math and yell at everyone to keep quiet because I am trying to mold and shape young minds.

Today, I was reading Charlotte’s Web.  And can I tell you how much I love reading Charlotte’s Web to first graders?  Every year, I like it more and more.  If you have not yet read this book, I implore you:  read it.

Anywho.  I was sitting at the table, reading the lovely book, when LD walks out onto the back deck.  It was right behind me, so it was probably a bit disruptive, but I let it go because I was almost done with the chapter, and who has time to start over these days?

But then.

The horror.

I realized the child was peeing off the back deck.  In the background of my video.

For first graders.

So that added a bit of spice to Charlotte’s Web chapter ten.

Stand down, Readers!  I deleted it and started over.  Also, no matter what I do, I have eight chins and a super annoying voice in all my videos.

Alright.  Happy Thursday.

Yesterday.

Me:  David.  Let us go have a cup of coffee in the hot tub and look at our cows.

David:  No.  I can’t.  I have stuff to do.

Grumpy.

So, I continue to clean up after ALL the people who live inside this house, and he and the boys went to work on the corral.  And, oh, yes!  Did I tell you?  He is building a ginormous corral.

The corral will be used for, but not limited to:  sorting cattle, vaccinating cattle, castrating cattle, and pregnancy checking cattle.

Things are getting real here, Friends.

Anyways.  David and the boys worked on the corral.  And then it started to rain.  So he came inside.

Me:  Oh, yay!  Are you going to hang out with me now?

David:  No.  I am going to get some work done with the Bobcat.

My life is full of nothing but disappointment, Friends.

So, he goes outside and works for a couple of hours around the property, picking up sticks on the property and moving them into piles in different locations on the property.  I am sure in his mind it is necessary and important work.

He uses the Bobcat for maybe 2 hours before it breaks down.  This is the story of David’s life.

Use Bobcat two hours.

Repair Bobcat four hours.

Repeat.

Me after he tries to repair the Bobcat for many hours:  See, David?  You should have just hung out with me.  It would have been better than breaking your Bobcat.

David:  But I took care of that widow maker for you.

Me (rolling my eyes):  Ok, Paul Bunyan.

FYI:  A widowmaker is a term lumberjacks use to describe a tree that looks dangerous and could fall down at a moment’s notice.

***

I would like you to all know that today, yes today, David Maliblahblah had a cup of coffee in the hot tub with me at 4:00 in the afternoon.

And now he is working on the Bobcat.  I kid you not.

***

Here is a cute picture of our oldest dog, Tank, and our youngest dog, Charlie.

They are together, seeking refuge from the vacuum.

***

The whole family is going into the pig business.

And we, yes all six of us, are willing participants.

David has found some amazing deal on Craigslist and we will all invest money and hope to turn a profit.

We had a family meeting about our new family venture Thursday night in the hot tub.

Hot tubs are great places for family  meetings.

We discussed the plan and how everyone will have specific roles to play in this exciting opportunity.

David will be the dealer of all customers via the phone and email.

The girls and I will be in charge of food, water and record keeping.

The boys will be in charge of touching any pigs.  Because the girls and I have made it clear that we will not, under any circumstances, pick up any  squealing weaner pigs by their back legs and load them into people’s trucks.

Boys:  We love lifting pigs by the legs and watching them squeal!

Me:  I will do such a good job at record keeping.  I will even buy a cute pig themed notebook to record all the important things people need to record when they are involved in a pig business.  I will buy this notebook with my own money and not use the company profits.

Boys:  I love when we have to pick up pigs and show people what they look like.  And the pigs are just squealing and squealing!

Hadley:  Alright.  I am out of here.  This is like sitting at the weird table at lunch.

And then, she left.

***

Last week:

I text David and tell him to please pick up the boys two Ducklings and call me on his way home.

Yes.  Ducklings.  Why not?  They just hatched thirty chicks.  What does it even matter anymore?

So, David calls me and I talk to him about all the things and the whole time his van is making this awful sound.

Me:  Dude.  What is up with your van?  Are you about to break down?

David:  Huh?

Me:  Can you not hear that noise?

David:  That would be the ducklings.

Happy Sunday!

Chicks!  Chicks are hatching everywhere!  One day about three weeks ago, the boys got bored and searched our property for eggs.  I, being the super fun and chill Mom that I am, allowed them to incubate them.  All 58 of them.  And it is like an explosion on my counter.  I think we have at least 30 so far.  It is madness.

As soon as we get through this round of chicks, we are starting all over again so I can hatch them ¨remotely¨ with my class.

Hadley´s cute puppy, Charlie, is very curious about these chicks.  Charlie enjoys chasing our grown hens around the property and chewing on them.  She does not actually kill them.  She gets on top of them and chews.  She has a chew toy that is a raccoon.  The toy raccoon makes a squeaky noise when she chews on it.  We feel she thinks the hens are more chew toys. We do not want her to chew the chicks.  I do not think they would be as hearty.

Kittens!  Kittens are everywhere!  Those dang mama cats keep trying to move them and we are not having it.  First, they tried to move the cats to a storage tub in our storage room.  I do not want cat pee and poo in the storage tub.

You may ask,

¨Taylor! Why is the storage tub open for the cats to nest in in the first place?¨

And I will answer,

¨Hello.  I have four children and I literally have no idea ever what is going on in my house.  Like EVER.¨

Yesterday, the cats all went MIA again.  The boys and I found two abandoned kittens in the storage room in different places.  This we found to be worrisome.  We took everything out of the room and looked for the other four kittens and the missing mamas.

Nothing.

We searched the house.  We searched outside.  We could not find them.  For hours.

I tasked Kate with the job of keeping them warm.  She obliged, but felt the need to inform me that they were hungry every 2 minutes.  And I would reply, like a calm and helpful Mom:

¨Okkkkkk!  I get it!¨

And then I would try to google ¨What can you feed a newborn kitten?¨ but then I would get distracted with someone coming to buy hay, MORE CHICKS HATCHING, Charlie chewing on chickens, preparing a delicious supper for my family, Hadley being a moody quaran-TEEN, and Charlie chasing cows and going on a suicide mission.

Out of nowhere, Mama cat just saunters into my bedroom.  Like, ¨Oh, hello, Humans?  What is new on this floor of the house? ¨

And I put Little Dude in charge and he investigated and found all cats living under his bed.

*face palm*

I would like everyone to know that he apparently cleaned his room very well that day.

So.  The cats are back.  No one is dead.  I did not have to try and bottle feed a kitten.  Which is good, because I do not have kitten milk and I do not have a kitten bottle.

Also.  Someone asked me yesterday if I had ever had rabbits.

Ha!

Have I ever had rabbits.

Have you been reading long enough to remember the wretched rabbit years?

The horror.

Today.

In this new coronavirus world, LD and I had a telehealth appointment with his pediatrician.  HD and LD had some chores in the back of the property.

Me:  Take a watch.  I need LD back in the house by 9:55am for his doctor appt.

Boys:  Got it, Mom!

(lies)

At 9:55 there was no sign of LD.  I was sitting at the table all set up for my virtual doctor appointment and figured the pediatrician would be less than impressed if I informed him that I did not have the needed child.

I told Hadley to fire up the 4 wheeler and go collect her brother.  She did.  While I was waiting for their return, the doctor´s office called to see if I was having technical difficulties, as I was supposed to already be in the ¨virtual¨ waiting room

Me (watching the kids speed to the house on a four wheeler.  Without helmets.  Completely unsafe-like):  Oh, no.  No technical difficulties.  I am just about to sign in.

LD was breathless, hair was windblown, and he had dirt all over his face.  But he was present for his appointment.  And we basically nailed it.

Happy Wednesday!

Well.  When last we spoke, my kinfolk and I were attempting to save the life of a calf, Winnie.

We tried.  We really did.

We tube fed her.  We gave her a shot.  We loved her.  We did everything we knew of to do.

She did not survive.

So, that was a bummer.  And I have decided I will no longer be excited about cows having twins.  Because so far, it has only ended in heartbreak.

***

Cats.

My cute kitty, Norma Jean Riley, had twins.  One died.  (Story of my life) But her little kitten, Rio, is well.

Norma and Rio were living in a basket in my bathtub.  As cats are wont to do.

On Thursday night, Mama Kitty, jumped into the basket with Norma Jean.

Now.  I would like to take this time to remind you all that Mama Kitty is the cat that the vet assured me I had neutered.

Anywho.  Mama Kitty jumped into the basket and the strangest events took place, I kid you not.

Both Norma Jean Riley and Mama were laying on their sides and facing each other.  They were even, like, embracing.  Rio was tucked somewhere underneath them.  Mama was panting and pushing and Norma was like her midwife.  And, remember.  Norma is her daughter.

Please, try to keep up with my animals.

When I woke up Friday morning, the two cats were still embracing and there were a total of six kittens nursing underneath both of them.

So, Mama had five kittens.  And the two of them are tag teaming and nursing all the babies and supporting each other.

It is odd.  And almost like a sister wives sitch going on. And I would bet money the same male cat impregnated both of them.

And I feel like Mama is taking advantage of Norma.

Allow me to elaborate:

Mama just up and leaves and takes herself on a fanciful walk about the property.  Leaving Norma Jean with all six kittens.

Only one of which belongs to her.

I also feel like maybe the quarantine is getting to me.  Am I too invested in this cat family dynamic?

Thoughts?

***

Look at this:

It is a picture.

Of my senior picture.

That was-wait for it-

TWENTY-ONE YEARS AGO.

P.S.  Three chicks hatched.  More might hatch later this week.  Then I will start incubating for my classroom.

We have had a lot of birthing around here.  I am hoping there will be 19 births.

And I can lovingly call them all:

My Covid 19.

Happy Sunday!

Fact:  My house is definitely not a boring place to be quarantined.

On Monday, we launched remote learning.  I started remote learning as a teacher, and the kids started remote learning as pupils.  It has been a challenge.  We have terrible internet service here at home.  I drove to my parents house this week (Stand Down, Social Distancers!  No one was home!) so we could get some work done.  I recorded 15 videos of myself teaching.  Which was not awkward in the least.

On Tuesday, our cow Mildred had twins:  a boy and a girl.  The boy was a stillborn.  The girl seemed to be doing well and was active and nursing.

On Friday, my cute kitty Norma Jean Riley, surprised us by also having twins.  We did not realize she was pregnant.  We know Mama Kitty is pregnant.  We did not think Norma was.  One of Norma´s twins died also, so she just has one kitten.  I have named it Rio.  (Get it?  Short for Diamond Rio?  Get it?)

So, today.

Today, I did my daily check of the cows and I noticed that Mildred´s heifer calf, whose name is Winnie, was not near her.  But sometimes the cows leave the calves with other cows while they eat.  They have a nice nanny service going on out there.  So, I took my walk and I did not see Winnie.  When I came back around to Mildred, I noticed she looked very full of milk.  Then she seemed a bit fussy and she hurried off.  So, I followed her.

Her calf was laying all by herself and not looking well at all.  She tried to get up to nurse, but she could not.  So I called David to help me and Mildred tried to murder us both just because we looked at the calf.

David left to get the Bobcat and a rope, and more children.  We have plenty of children.

I really feel the need to stress to you just how much Mildred wanted us dead.  I really need you to grasp this.

So we try many different things and we are completely unsuccessful.  Finally, David tells me that he will keep Mildred away from me and I need to pick up Winnie and place her in the Bobcat bucket.

And I do.  And as soon as I place the calf in the bucket, David yells at me to run.

And run, I did.  Because Mildred was coming after me.  And I may look tough, but she would definitely win that battle.

I ran and ran and now my whole body is confused because it has not run in many years.

Winnie the calf is currently on the floor of our laundry room.  I do not think she will survive.  I am not sure what is wrong with her.  Maybe pneumonia.

We gave her some meds and have been trying to feed her.  She was unable to drink from the bottle, so we have been giving her little syringe fulls of milk.

So.  There you go.

Quarantine.  Day 28.

Readers.

Can we not admit that the world is now a strange, unfamiliar place?  I don’t even know what is going on anymore.  I think it is still MARCH.  How are we still in March?  What day is it?  How long is March?

So.  We are in the middle of a global pandemic.  I have no idea when or if I will see my students again.  This brings me great sadness, as this was one of the best classes I have ever had.  I miss them so much.

So.  Let us update you on the goings on over here.

A list.  Of random things and thoughts.

1.  I have observed that David brushes his teeth for a ridiculously long time each morning.  He brushes them as he feeds the calves and starts his van and makes his coffee.  It is incredulous.
2. Today we have had rain, snow, and hail.  The sky cleared up for a bit, so I kicked the boys outside.  Little Dude desperately wanted to give the horses a bath.  AND I SAID YES.  Because I want them OUTSIDE.  I don’t think he knows how to bathe horses.  I wish him luck.
3. Yesterday, we had similar weather.  It finally cleared up in the afternoon and I kicked the boys outside.  They came in with a bunch of eggs they had found about the property.  Yes.  We have eggs all over our property now.  We are THOSE PEOPLE.  And “Mom can we hatch them and sell them and keep all the money.”  So, fine.
4. Forty-nine eggs are currently in incubators on my counter.
5. Little Dude is still trying to bathe the horses and it is also snowing again.
6. I am so thankful I have acres to kick my boys out onto.  I need them to GO AWAY sometimes.  Is that bad?
7. Little Dude is extremely impulsive these days.  He is growing like crazy and all of his clothes are too small all the time.  Today, he took a shower with the puppy.  No one knows why.  Not even him.
8. I went to a livestock auction with David and the boys.  I had some Christmas money tucked away in my wallet and was hoping for a bottle calf.  Because I am home all the time and totally have time to feed a bottle calf.  But I did not get one.
9. Little Dude bought a pregnant sow.
10. David bought pigs and a bred cow.
11. Handsome Dude bought a bred cow.
12. Mama Cat is pregnant.
13. I had the kids write letters to their Great Grandma today.  I feel the need to share the opening lines from the boys’ letters.  Handsome Dude:  “Hope you can survive this uncertain time.”  Little Dude:  “I hope you are doing well during these unpleasant times.  And you are really healthy and still having fun times at your place.”  Perfect.
14. While we were the livestock auction, the governor shut down our state.  This is a weird and wild time, Friends.
15. Every day, I check on all my cow friends and text David the morning report.  Every morning, I text, “No calves.  No one looks close.  Everyone is alive.”  I am very helpful.
16. Today!  Today, it was treacherous weather and I had seen all the cows except Seattle.  Her name is Seattle for reasons I shall not explain at this time.  I was about to give up because I am not a fan of being outside in precipitation, but I forged on and found her-WITH A NEW CALF.  Kate suggested we name it Covey, short for Covid-19.
17. I made a banana cream pie from scratch yesterday.  I have no idea what possessed me to do it.  But I did it.  David: “Wow.  We had all the ingredients on hand to make a pie from scratch?”  Me:  “Yes.  We have a pantry that is stocked for the end of the world.  Like everyone else.”
18. We have something to do tomorrow!  This is exciting!  I am going to fire up the rig and drive the children to town.  We are going to be checking out some extra devices for our new online learning adventure that will start after Spring Break.
19. Little Dude has moved on from bathing horses and is now bathing dogs.
20. Oh!  Handsome Dude turned 13 and Hadley turned 16.  And, let me tell you.  It is hard to have your Sweet 16 whilst on quarantine.  Ask me how I know.

How are you doing, Readers?  Take care!

Well.  Life sure looks different.

Want to have a good time?  Introduce the concept of ¨social distancing¨ to your teens.

¨What do you mean I can´t hang out with my friends?!?¨

These are hard times, my friends.

On Tuesday, I was the most hated woman in America when I added some light school work to the chore list.

Later, I made homemade banana bread and I became the most favored woman in America.

My status was quickly taken back down to ¨Most Hated Woman in America¨ when I did not agree to take the boys kayaking.

In March.

We do not live in a warm climate, Friends.

And also, did you know there is no way people can survive without seeing their friends?

The dogs are loving this new time of social distancing.  They are taking 2-3 walks a day with me around the property to check on the cows.

Alert:  The cows are still refusing to give birth and bring me joy.

I need a calf in my life.  I shall name it Corona.

I am trying to connect with my class through Google Classroom.  I miss their sweet faces and the fact that they do not sigh at me with disgust like my own kids.  My students actually like me and I think they might think I am the bee´s knees.

Little Dude is officially exactly as tall as me.

For all my parenting life, the girls have been hard on me and my looks.

¨Mom?  Is that actually what you are going to wear today?¨

¨I guess that outfit is ok.  I mean, I would never wear it.¨

And the boys have always loved me with an unconditional love.

Until last night.

Little Dude, my baby, the one whom I lovingly refer to as Cokey the Bear, said this last night:

¨Mom.  Did you know Kate (his sister) is trying to get fit?  It is probably because she does not want to end up with a body like yours.¨

What the what?

I shall now pick up all the pieces of my broken heart.

How is it going at your house, Reader?

Stay Strong!