By Taylor Maliblahblah
1) Tell yourself that you are 30 years old and it is high time you hosted a turkey dinner with all the works.
2) Realize that 17 people will be feasting on your debut turkey. Recall that you only have comfortable seating for six.
3) Panic. Call your Mom. Surely she will not mind bringing extra tables and chairs.
4) Look at your calendar. You have 4 days before the event. You have heard “rumors” that frozen turkeys must thaw in the fridge for days on end before becoming a tasty meal.
5) Panic. Call your dad. He will surely know the 4-1-1 on the turkey sitch.
6) Bear in mind that you do not know how to actually cook a turkey.
7) Panic. Call Dad. Take notes.
8) Remember that the people will want stuffing with their turkey. Guess who’s never made stuffing before?
Go ahead. Guess.
9) Panic. Call Mom. Take notes.
10) Count your drinking glasses. You don’t have enough drinking glasses.
11) Panic. Call Mom. She suggests mason jars. Teller has MILLIONS of mason jars. Moms are brilliant. I cannot tell a lie.
12) Panic just to panic. Call Mom. Realize you might be acting a bit “needy” when mother asks:
“Taylor, do you want me to just host this thing?”
13) Remember that you don’t know how to make gravy.
14) Panic. Call Mom. Enlist her to make gravy when she arrives at your humble abode with not enough seating and/or drinking glasses.
15) On the night before the event, call your Dad no less than 8 times to make sure you know what you are doing.
Dads love chit-chatting on the phone. Didn’t you know?
15) On the morning of the event, make sure to drink plenty of coffee. There is nothing like facing a raw turkey carcass at 7 in the morning.
You almost feel like you need to be properly introduced to the pathetic creature before grabbing its wings and stuffing vegetables into its cavity.
16) Have a second cup of coffee. You deserve it.
17) Take a picture and send it to your dad. Because everyone wants to be texted this juicy photo during the wee hours of Easter morn.
Surely he was proud of his “independent” 30-year-old daughter.
18) Now that it is the day of the blessed event, you must kick it to turbo speed in order to get everything done.
Notice your husband is driving you insane, what with the constant wrestling/tickling/candy-feeding of the children.
Tell you husband to take the 3 younger children and GO OUTSIDE while you and your eldest get ‘er done.
19) Can I just say that without the help of that 9-year-old girl I would not have gotten it all done?
Holla, Sweet Pea! Holla!
*We interrupt this “helpful” list to remind you that when you are using crockpots, it is important to remember to PLUG THE CROCKPOT IN before turning it on and forgetting about it.
Ask me how I know.
20) Guests arrive. Everything is going smoothly, albeit delayed because someone may or may not have forgotten to plug in a few crockpots. Listen as guests thank your husband for all his hard work.
Decide you will throw a toaster at your husband’s head when you hear him reply:
“Oh, no problem! Well, Taylor did some of the work, too.”
21) Remember that throwing small appliances at your spouse’s head is generally frowned upon during most social situations.
22) Drink more coffee. Let it go.
23) Don’t panic when your youngest son comes out into the dining area wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and a polo shirt.
And I mean nothing.
24) Don’t panic when your youngest son goes outside and drops his drawers and relieves himself on the deck in plain sight of all your Easter guests.
25) Just drink more coffee. Let it go. Yes. It is true that your guests saw your son’s private areas on two different occasions during your “classy” event.
Surely they found it endearing.
26) Smile when your husband pats on the shoulder and says:
“Good job, hon. You did it.”
27) Feel bad for previously imagining a toaster careening through the air at his head.
28) After the guests leave and the house is put back in order, feel free to put your kids to bed at 7pm while you veg out and eat their Easter candy.
It’s perfectly reasonable and well-deserved.
Happy Monday!
