The Lumberjack's Wife

Did you know my husband oft sings in falsetto?  It’s true.  There’s no denying it.

This week we are spending the money.  It is, in fact, out of control.  We bought the van.  Then we had to pay taxes on the van.  Then we had to go to the farm and ranch store and buy fencing.

Would you like to know how much we spent on fencing?  Sure you do.

$600

It’s like we are rolling in money, except we’re not.

So, this morning we went out to survey the lands and get ready to fence the garden and chicken coop.

Yes.  The coop looks all crazy-like.  This is because we got a smokin-deal on some used siding.  We will paint it so it is all one, aesthetically pleasing color.

Someday.

Here’s David “casting vision” to the girls.

 They were pretty excited.

So, we worked hard at clearing brush until lunch time.  David sat down at the table with a large bowl of chili and began to peruse Craiglist’s farm and garden section . . . as per his usual custom.

I heard him exclaim:

“Free Chickens!”

Next thing I knew, he was on the phone talking to some dude about his free chickens.  After his phoneversation, I politely reminded David that we do not yet have a fenced area for our chickens.

“I KNOW!”

And, yes.  He said that in his manly, falsetto voice.  He started running around the house, shoving chili in his mouth, and loading rabbit cages into the back of the truck.

He came home with what I believe to be 23 hens and 1 rooster.

He also brought home one Tom Turkey and two girl turkeys.

Fun Fact:  I do not know what you call a girl Turkey.

Did you know we were also raising turkeys?

Neither did I.

So.  I’m not sure what the plan is, but I think he is trying to figure something out to contain the chickens.  Because, have you heard?

We weren’t ready for chickens.

Someday, I’m going to write a book about how WEIRD he is.

I will make millions.

And apparently, my husband had a beard.  Who knew?!

The girls were fifteen months apart and life was . . . busy.  I have always stayed home with the kids and, back then, the days seemed to drag on.

I forget about those days.  The days of being at home with just little kids.  Schedules and routines were everything to me . . . it was the only way to keep my sanity!  I remember when I had just Sweet Pea, I would try and time her lunch-time feeding with a rerun of The Cosby Show.  We had good times back then, the Huxtables and I.

(image source)

I can’t even imagine having time to watch TV nowadays.

My friend, Amanda, and I have been friends since the first grade.  When Daisy Mae was a baby, Amanda and her family moved back to our area.  Amanda’s son was about 3 months older than Daisy Mae.  We used to get together a couple of times a week.  Everything was a huge process:

multiple highchairs

diapers

endless sippy cups

diapers

Cheerios all over the place

diaper bags

Oh!  and some diapers . . .

strollers

double strollers

front packs

diapers

It was exhausting getting together, but we both needed the adult interaction.

Soon, Amanda had another little boy and then a few months later, I had Handsome Dude.

He’s always been an easy kid.

Very easy-going and even-tempered, that boy is.

So, now we had five kids between us.  We would still get together, but it was no small task.

Weren’t they cute?

The astute reader might notice my stairs.

This was the house that The Lumberjack built.  It was quite the process and we lived in a remodel state for seven years.  And those stairs were like that for six of them.  But that has nothing to do with anything, so let’s move on.

Amanda and I both became pregnant again, this time our due dates within a couple of months from each other.

She had twins.  A boy and a girl.  I had Little Dude.

We still would get together, but the amount of planning it took to get 8 children together was daunting.

I don’t have a picture of all eight of them together.  For shame.

One day, I looked at Amanda and said:

“Hey.  In four years when the youngest batches head to preschool, would you like to meet me for coffee?  Just the TWO of us?!?”

And she said, “Yes!” because who doesn’t love the coffee/no children combo?

Well, dear readers.  Almost four years have passed since that day and life has changed.  The littlest ones will all be in preschool, but since I live forever and a day away and homeschool, our coffee date will probably not happen.

It is an epic fail on my part.

Time sure goes by fast.  I never thought those days would end, and now they seem so far away.  I remember the loneliness and exhaustion from being at home with little ones.  It is different now-still tiring, but not as lonely.  The kids are older and we have fun together.

Sometimes its not really all that fun.  I cannot tell a lie.  Sometimes its frustrating and includes a lot of bodily fluids, cleaning supplies, and paper towels.

But that sort of lonely feeling is gone.  Did anyone else ever feel that way . . . when they were home with babies?  If I found out my husband was going to work late, I would go into panic mode.  Now if my husband is going to be late, it’s like:

Oh, good!  More time to catch up on laundry!

Fun Fact:  I ALWAYS have laundry.

So, tell me dear readers:

 Do you stay at home?  How old are your kids?  How do you fill up your days?

Do you . . . homeschool?  (Ack!  Homeschool-my arch-enemy.)

Do you have a close friend you have stuck with throughout the years?

Are you able to meet your friend for coffee sans kids?

I know the days can drag on, but these years, as miserable as they sometimes can be, are so precious.  God has blessed me with some pretty fantastic kids and I get to be with them everyday.  It sounds INSANE, but I’m thinking that I will look back on these years and . . . miss them.

Even the homeschooling years.

Happy Friday!

Allow me to illustrate with this story from Christmastime 2009.

Please.  Try to contain your excitement.

So, my mom decides, on a complete whim, that she might need to start thinking about Christmas cards.

The night was December 15th . . . the night that I got that fateful call.

Mom:  Here’s my plan.  I’ll have all 6 of the grandkids over on Saturday.  I will take a picture, make cards through Costco, and then send them out by Monday.  Will that work?

Me:  Sure.

Never mind that this woman does not realize how difficult it is to get multiple children to  all smile in a picture.

Never mind that she does not ever know where her digital camera is.

Never mind that when she finds said camera, the batteries are always dead.

Never mind that when she replaces said batteries, the memory card is full.

Never mind that she does not know how to upload photos to her computer.

Never mind that she does not know how to upload photos from her computer to Costco.

Never mind that she does not have time to pick up cards from Costco.

The odds are stacked up against her, but technically, this can be done.

Maybe.

Next, she decides that I should just create a card using pictures I already have on hand. That way, we could get them made tonight, send them out sooner, and not have them be late to 75% of the recipients.

So, I email her a few pictures to look at.

And now, dear readers, for your entertainment, I present to you:

My Phone Conversation with Mom:

Me:  Did you get the pictures?

Mom:  Sort of.

Me:  What does that mean?

Mom:  Dang it.  I see one.

Me:  Ok.  Will that work?

Mom:  Sure.

Me:  Ok.  Do you want me to pick out a card for you, or would you like to pick one out?

Mom:  I’ll pick one out.

Me:  Ok.  Go to www.costco.com

Mom:  Ummm . . . I’ll just Google it.

Interruption:  I am shocked that mother knows what The Google is.

Me:  Why are you Googling it?  That makes no sense.  I just gave you the address.  And it’s not even tricky.

Mom:  Well, I don’t have my glasses on.

Me:  Still doesn’t make sense.

Mom:  Ok.  I am there.  Do I click on photos?

Me:  Yes!

I find this encouraging.

Mom:  Shoot.  It wants a username and password.

I have already set her up an account in the past.  I tell her what her username is.  It  is conveniently, her email.

I tell her what her password is.  It is conveniently the same as her email password.

The only people in the world who know my parents’ passwords are Sister Meagan and I.  My parents, most assuredly, have no clue.

Mom:  Okay, I am in.

Me:  Ok, click on photo cards.

Mom:  Now it is asking me for my username and password again!  Why?

Me:  I don’t know, Mom.  Just enter it again.

Mom:  Dang.  Now it says that my username is invalid.

Me:  Did you type it in right?

Mom:  I hate the internet.  Why does it have to be so hard?  I am even trying to buy something.  Doesn’t the internet want my business?

So many things to be said about that statement.

Now, while I am on the phone with Ma, the Lumberjack is watching an old Office episode.

So, I start laughing because Dwight has just congratulated the firefighters on their quick response time.

Mom is mad that I am laughing.

It will take too long to explain that I am also watching tv.

The fact that I can be on that tricky internet machine and be watching tv will blow her mind.

Have you seen this Office episode?

500 (meaningless) points to you if you know who started the fire in that episode.

Mom:  Grant!  Bring me my glasses!

Grant is my dad.

Remember him?

He is also not technologically-savvy.  Does this surprise you?

One year my mom got him an iPod for Christmas.

Why?

No one knows.

Anyways, he gets this iPod, and doesn’t use it.  Then his birthday comes, in April, and he gets some iTunes giftcards.  So, he has me help him buy songs and get them onto the iPod.

We get two songs loaded.

Dad:  That’s good for now.

Me:  Dad.  You have like $98 more dollars.

Dad:  I know.  But that’s fine.

Me:  Okay.

So, there goes my dad, out to work in the backyard, with his 2 song iPod.

Goober.

Alright.

Back to the original story at hand:

Me:  Can you see the photo cards?

Mom:  Yes.

Me:  Which one would you like?

Mom:  Ummm . . . I don’t care.  Why don’t you just go with your gut?

Me:  They are your cards.  Shouldn’t we go with your gut?

Mom:  It doesn’t really matter.

Me:  Ok.  What picture do you want me to use?

Mom:  Go with the Kiddie Kandids one.

Me:  Ok.  Do you remember how awful my boys looked?

Mom:  Oh, yeah!  Ok.  I will just take a picture on Saturday.

Me:  Ok, mom.  Bye.

Mom:  Bye.

*****

Here’s a fact that might surprise you:

This woman can manage a large pediatric practice with 3 offices, umpteen providers, and numerous employees.

But she cannot figure out how to find Costco.com.

Here’s an even funner fact:  Once, mother could not remember how to find Google.  So she went to Bing and searched for it.

You can’t make this stuff up, people.

***

Alright.  This is COMPLETELY off topic, but I need help.  I am painting my chicken coop and trying to decide between two colors.  Will you help me?

Red like this:

Or green like this:

And if it helps, this is our house:

I am wondering if green would compliment it more?

Please Advise.

By Taylor Maliblahblah

1)  Tell yourself that you are 30 years old and it is high time you hosted a turkey dinner with all the works.

2)  Realize that 17 people will be feasting on your debut turkey.  Recall that you only have comfortable seating for six.

3)  Panic.  Call your Mom.  Surely she will not mind bringing extra tables and chairs.

4)  Look at your calendar.  You have 4 days before the event.  You have heard “rumors” that frozen turkeys must thaw in the fridge for days on end before becoming a tasty meal.

5)  Panic.  Call your dad.  He will surely know the 4-1-1 on the turkey sitch.

6)  Bear in mind that you do not know how to actually cook a turkey.

7)  Panic.  Call Dad.  Take notes.

8)  Remember that the people will want stuffing with their turkey.  Guess who’s never made stuffing before?

Go ahead.  Guess.

9)  Panic.  Call Mom.  Take notes.

10)  Count your drinking glasses.  You don’t have enough drinking glasses.

11)  Panic.  Call Mom.  She suggests mason jars.  Teller has MILLIONS of mason jars.  Moms are brilliant.  I cannot tell a lie.

12)  Panic just to panic.  Call Mom.  Realize you might be acting a bit “needy” when mother asks:

“Taylor, do you want me to just host this thing?”

13)  Remember that you don’t know how to make gravy.

14)  Panic.  Call Mom.  Enlist her to make gravy when she arrives at  your humble abode with not enough seating and/or drinking glasses.

15)  On the night before the event, call your Dad no less than 8 times to make sure you know what you are doing.

Dads love chit-chatting on the phone.  Didn’t you know?

15)  On the morning of the event, make sure to drink plenty of coffee.  There is nothing like facing a raw turkey carcass at 7 in the morning.

You almost feel like you need to be properly introduced to the pathetic creature before grabbing its wings and stuffing vegetables into its cavity.

16)  Have a second cup of coffee.  You deserve it.

17)  Take a picture and send it to your dad.  Because everyone wants to be texted this  juicy photo during the wee hours of Easter morn.

Surely he was proud of his “independent” 30-year-old daughter.

18)  Now that it is the day of the blessed event, you must kick it to turbo speed in order to get everything done.

Notice your husband is driving you insane, what with the constant wrestling/tickling/candy-feeding of the children.

Tell you husband to take the 3 younger children and GO OUTSIDE while you and your eldest get ‘er done.

19)  Can I just say that without the help of that 9-year-old girl I would not have gotten it all done?

Holla, Sweet Pea!  Holla!

*We interrupt this “helpful” list to remind you that when you are using crockpots, it is important to remember to PLUG THE CROCKPOT IN before turning it on and forgetting about it.

Ask me how I know.

20)  Guests arrive.  Everything is going smoothly, albeit delayed because someone may or may not have forgotten to plug in a few crockpots.  Listen as guests thank your husband for all his hard work.

Decide you will throw a toaster at your husband’s head when you hear him reply:

“Oh, no problem!  Well, Taylor did  some of the work, too.”

21)  Remember that throwing small appliances at your spouse’s head is generally frowned upon during most social situations.

22)  Drink more coffee.  Let it go.

23)  Don’t panic when your youngest son comes out into the dining area wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and a polo shirt.

And I mean nothing.

24)  Don’t panic when your youngest son goes outside and drops his drawers and relieves himself on the deck in plain sight of all your Easter guests.

25)  Just drink more coffee.  Let it go.  Yes.  It is true that your guests saw your son’s private areas on two different occasions during your “classy” event.

Surely they found it endearing.

26)  Smile when your husband pats on the shoulder and says:

“Good job, hon.  You did it.”

27)  Feel bad for previously imagining a toaster careening through the air at his head.

28)  After the guests leave and the house is put back in order, feel free to put your kids to bed at 7pm while you veg out and eat their Easter candy.

It’s perfectly reasonable and well-deserved.

Happy Monday!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ”

Jeremiah 29:11

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Matthew 6:34

 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

“Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. ”

Proverbs 22:6

“He shall lead his flock like a shepherd. He shall gather the lambs in His arms and carry them in His bosom and shall gently lead those that have young.”

Isaiah 40:11

“Do not grow weary in doing good. You will reap a harvest if you do not give up.”

Galatians 6:9

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.”

Colossians 3:23

‘Only let us live up to what we have already attained.’

Philippians 3:16

“At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship”

Job 1:20

(This one shows how great Job’s faith was-while even though he had lost everything, he still worshiped the Lord)

Thank you all for sharing!

And on that note-Happy Easter!

He is Risen!

He is Risen, indeed.