The Lumberjack's Wife

We spent a few days with Kate last week.

She is a party and a half.

Kate:  Mom, how is your cobb salad?

Me:  Good.

Kate looks at my salad:  Is the meat on your salad chicken or cobb?

Me:  I do not understand.

Kate:  Is that chicken or cobb?

Me:  Well.  This is chicken.  What exactly do you think cobb is?

Kate:  It is meat, Mom.

Me:  No.  No, it is not.

Kate:  Yeah!  It is fish!

Me:  Ok, that would be cod, and no, that is not on my salad.

Oh, she is tons of fun.  She was home with us for just a bit before we took her to meet up with her boyfriend and his family.  The night before we were to leave, she was all a flutter.

“Mom, can I do laundry?  Mom, can I bake muffins?”

Sure, but I am way too tired so you are on your own, pal.

She fell asleep with her clothes in the washing machine and the muffins made and the kitchen kind of-but not at all-cleaned up.  Since I am the best mom ever, I put her clothes in the dryer for her.  And then folded them.

See?  Nice.

Anyways.  That was all on Friday.  Friday, I had to teach the precious children and leave my classroom ready for a week with a sub.

While I was at school, Hadley and the boys were home.   Jestine, my gal pal who was adopting Darcy/Darla, was planning to come to our house so she could pick up Darcy/Darla and take her to the vet.

Later in the day, I check in with Hadley.

Me:  Did Jestine get the calf ok?

Hadley:  Yeah.

Me:  How did you guys load her?

Hadley:  We put the calf on a sled and we pushed the sled to the horse trailer and got her in that way.

Me:  OH PLEASE TELL ME YOU TOOK A PICTURE

Hadley:  No?  Why would I do that?

Me:  So you can look back at your childhood and marvel at the fact that once you and your brothers got a 300 pound heifer calf on a sled and pushed her through the snow to a horse trailer?

Hadley:  Hmmm.  Anyways.  The sled had poop all over it, so I told Jestine she could have it.  I hope you don’t mind.

Me:  Nope.  She can have the sled.

So, then I was happy for awhile, thinking we had done right by Darla/Darcy, but then Jestine called to deliver the bad news.

The vet was thinking she had some sort of spinal cord injury and said she needed to be put down.  And so, Darla/Darcy traveled back to our house, alive, so that David could put her down in the morning.

Saturday Morning.

On Saturday morning, David, Kate, and I were set to travel 2 hours to meet up with her new boyfriend and his family.

Since she was nervous, I decided it was well within reason to embarrass her, so I sent a text to the boyfriend’s mom that read:

We are running a bit late because David had to put a heifer down unexpectedly this morning.

Kate:  ohmygosh, Mom.  You are sooo weird.

Me:  I know.

Yes, putting Darla/Darcy down was a huge bummer.  I am glad I am not David.  There is no way I could go out there and put her down and bury her.

Me:  David!  Did you even feel bad when you had to shoot her?

David:  Yes, Taylor!  Of course I felt bad!  I always feel bad.

So that was that.  We tried to help her.  We couldn’t help her.  The End.

As luck would have it, the journey to meet up with the new boyfriend included two mountain passes and also our first winter snow storm.  So the drive was a bit much.  But, David successfully maneuvered the car in such a way as to keep it on the road at all times, because he is The Man.

It was nice to visit with Kate when we were not paralyzed with fear in the blizzard.

Kate:  Mom?  Who is the Mexican person on dad’s phone?

Me:  Huh?

Kate:  Dad has a picture on his phone?

So then I laughed and laughed because David has this picture as his wallpaper:

It is me.  With my face in a cutout.

So.  We met the family, and they were kind, and then Kate forgot to give them the muffins.

***

Let’s talk about going on a trip with David.  Before we begin, you must understand that David wanted to go to Mexico.  We were going on a trip with my parents, and they were nervous about travelling outside of the US during this pandemic.  They were ok with us going to Mexico, but David INSISTED we join them for California.

It is truly important that you, Reader, understand that he INSISTED.

On Sunday, I started to get the house in order for our trip.  We were having a HOUSE SITTER for the first time ever and that was making me look at my house with fresh, horrified eyes, so I was trying to clean ALL THE THINGS.

I try to just let David be.  He is always outside welding and building gates and shooting animals and doesn’t really have time to wipe baseboards.

Another thing you must understand is that we have lived in our house for over 11 years and our propane fireplace has never functioned.

Do you see the fireplace?  Behind the dog who isn’t supposed to sleep on the furniture?

Anyways.  I have been pleading with David for about two years to do something about that fireplace.  Because, seriously.  What is the point of it?

David:  Sorry.  Can’t do anything about it.

And this was his story for two years.

But on Sunday, the day I was trying to get my house in order, David came inside and started ripping apart and pulling things off and tearing into the fireplace.

And.

He got it working.

?

Monday.

Monday was my day to completely finish detailing the house and pack and get the house and the people ready for the NOT MEXICO vacation.  Hadley is my best helper and David has the audacity to call and ask her to meet him in town with my car and utility trailer.  And I was so stressed I didn’t even ask him what he was doing on the night before our vacation.

And that, Reader, was a mistake.

Apparently while I was feeling stressed about the house sitter lady judging the state of my silverware drawer, David was worried about the size of his calf water trough.  So he bought a small swimming pool sized trough for $500 and brought it home.

And, Reader.

It took a lot of water to fill up that trough.  And longtime readers might remember that when we run our water for a long time, we get to the bottom of the well.  And then our water turns orange.

So.

All of my hard work of bleaching and cleaning every sink, shower, tub, and toilet was all for naught and now the lady will hopefully be impressed with my organized silverware drawer and not notice my orange toilets.

****

David wore his cowboy boots with cow poop on them to Los Angeles, California.

***

David keeps pulling my mask off my nose and then scolding me for not wearing my mask correctly.

***

When we were getting our rental car, the rental car dude asked David what brought him to Los Angeles?

David:  Honestly I have no idea.  I am just here.  I don’t want to be.

But, remember.

HE INSISTED.

***

And lastly but not leastly, let’s talk about going on a trip with Hadley.

Me:  Hadley, you need to bring your driver’s license.

Hadley:  Got it.

Me:  I am serious.

Hadley:  Got it.

Well, I know my kid.  So I secretly packed all the passports.  Because I am a 40 year old responsible Mom.

We start driving to the airport.

Hadley:  WAIT!  I forgot my driver’s license.

David:  Do I need to turn around?

Me (like a hero):  Nope.

And that is all I have to say for today.

This post will most likely be all over the place, because I am all over the place and my mind is filled with stress.

I am trying to keep a handle on all of the things, but, I will be honest, things are getting  a bit sticky over here.

The main problem is our upcoming vacation.  And why are vacations so stressful?  And we pay for them?

The other night while David and I were trying to hoist the Darla/Darcy calf up so she could stand, I had an epiphany.

Me:  David!  We are going on vacation!

David:  Yup.

Me:  What are we going to do with this calf if she is not well?

We both think for a minute. And we both know that we will have to put her down.  And you know what is fun?  Spending a couple of weeks trying to nurse a calf back to health only to have to end her life because she didn’t make it in time for your vacation.

So, that was a collosial bummer and when I would go and give little miss her food and water I would plead with her to stand up and get a hold of herself because we were soon travelling far away to see Mickey Mouse.

And then David had a great idea and it is a happy solution.  We are giving her away.  We found someone who will “adopt” her.  We are giving her for free-they are taking her to a vet-hopefully she will continue to get well and be a blessing to their family.

You may proclaim, “Taylor!  Why didn’t you just take her to the vet?”

And, oh, if it were only that easy.  It is really hard to find a vet willing to take care of large animals these days, and they certainly aren’t local.  Plus, David and I both work full time away from the house and even farther from the vets and it is just not an easy situation.  The consenus is that she needs a steroid shot.

So, I hope the best for little miss.

This morning, I went out to check on her for the last time.  She will get picked up today.  And when I say “picked up,”  I mean in the most literal sense.

Meanwhile, the children are all busy as well.  Basketball is in full swing.  Little Miss Hadley Beth scored 20 points in a game last week and 24 in a different game this week.

And why won’t she do my hair in cute braids like that?  Oh, she does not like it when I call her Hadley Beth.

Me:  But why?

Hadley:  I do not like my middle name.

Me:  I love it!  In fact, we almost named you Beth.  Beth Taylor.  But I told dad I wanted to call you “Bethie” sometimes and he said no.

Hadley:  Well, thank you dad.  I am really glad I was not named Beth TAYLOR.

And then I thought about the time back in 2005 when I was broke and a stay at home mom to two little girls and really wanted a nice picture.  So I saved my dollars and bundled the girls up and drove them to the faraway mall where the Kiddie Kandids place was and spent those dollars on precious pictures of them for me to treasure and on the way home Hadley BETH pooped the biggest poop in her diaper you would ever imagine and it went all the way up her outfit and up her back and on her neck and I spent hours upon hours detoxing her and the car seat.  And now here we are with that child saying she wouldn’t want to bear my name as her middle name, bless her heart.

Let’s move on.

Kate flew in yesterday.  And tomorrow, David and I, plus maybe some more of our offspring, will be driving Kate 2 plus hours to go and meet her new boyfriend and his parents.

You guys.  Have you ever gone to meet new people with David as your companion?  It is exhausting.  And here is why.

The guy doesn’t talk.

So guess who has to carry the conversation?  And I mean:

CARRY.

IT.

And guess who gets nervous and says awkward things the entire time?  Because my life is weird and how do you even introduce that to someone?

“Hi!  Nice to meet you!  Oh, yes it has been a stressful week!  We are getting ready to go to California, but we have this downer calf.  She is caked in mud, but who has time to bathe her?  Also she cannot get up unless we hoist her and we have to bring her food and water and lift her up so we can clean the poopoo out from under her, and if she doesn’t stand up in time, we have to put her down because we would like to see  Mickey Mouse.”

And then, there is school.

I love teaching first grade.  This we know.  But I will let you in on a little secret:

It is exhausting.

I am happy to report that Mack can read the word “and.”  In fact, Mack has had a breakthrough and has mastered about 5 red words (sight words) and read three decodable books yesterday.

Three.

He is all puffed up with pride and announcing to his classmates that he is a reader and he is pretty sure he is ready for second grade now.

(He’s not.)

Mack is in my most intensive reading group with one other little gal.  This gal has been out sick, so Mack has been basking in all the glory of his one on one time with myself and my title aide.  And I truly wish you could experience reading with Mack one on one.  The entire time I am trying to balance him and steady him and bring him back to me and he is so wiggly and all over the place.  I think I need to take a motion sickness pill from now on before I work with him.

But when he finishes his Bob book, he beams sunshine of pride and joy and it makes it all worth it.

The kids are all amped for Christmas, I am stressed about sub plans, and no one really wants to listen.

One of my little guys hasn’t been doing well behavior wise.  His behavior is somewhat new, due to trauma at home.  It is hard to keep a balance on it all-making sure he is ok and also trying to keep him accountable for his learning and keep up with the class.

Yesterday, he was STRUGGLING to listen and was refusing to work and just doing a lot of scribbling, snapping at classmates, etc.  I pulled him to the back table with me to try and help him get his work done and he was a hot mess and could not follow any directions at all.

I just looked at him and said, “Are you ok?”

Little pumpkin shook his head “no” and burst into tears.  So, he told me his sadness and I gave him hugs and tried to talk him through it and we moved along with our day.

About 10pm last night, I got a message from his mom.  Poor mom is struggling with him at home behavior wise as well and she has a world of stress on her shoulders.

She wanted to let me know that when she was putting the little dude to bed he told her about how he was having a bad day and that I helped him.  She messaged to me to say how thankful she was to know he had me at school and that he loves me as his teacher.

And that is what I needed in life.

Because I do love these kids and I do try and it means the world to me to know that they feel it.

Yesterday-

Student:  Mrs. M!  Today is Thursday!

Me:  Yes, it is.

Student:  Tomorrow will be Friday!

Me:  Yup.

Student:  And then you will say that funny thing?  Remember?  Remember?

Me:  Huh?

Student:  You know-like, yay!  Friday!  Day?  Yay?  Yay Yay?  Friday?

Me:  Oh!  Fri-Day, Fri-YAY!

Student:  Yes!  Friday, Friyay!

So.  Happy Fri-Day, Fri-Yay, Reader.

On Friday, December 3rd, Mack walked into the classroom.  As per his usual custom, he was late.  He had his coat zipped up to his chin and his backpack on his back.  He was carrying a tray of breakfast.  He was loud.

Mack:  Guess, what!  Tomorrow is CHRISTMAS!  IT IS CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Well, Reader, I am sure you can imagine the stir of excitement this caused amongst 20+ first graders.

Me:  Sorry, bud.  It is not tomorrow.

Mack:  Well, then what is tomorrow?

Me:  Saturday.

Mack (wailing):  BUT MY MOM SAID!  SHE SAID IT WAS TOMORROW!

Me:  Bud, I am not sure what Mom was talking about, but the actual holiday of Christmas is not tomorrow.

Mack (wailing):  Aw, Man.

And Mack sobbed for the injustice of it all.  Also, I had to open his milk.

A few days ago,  Hal finished a book about the possibility of a Bigfoot.

Hal:  MRS. M!  MRS. M!  I just read this book.  I think it was NONFICTION!  Mrs. M!  There might be a REAL ACTUAL BIGFOOT out there!

Me:  No way!

Hal:  Yes!  I have made a poster to warn the class.  You must post it by the door!  We must warn the class!

Me:  You got it.

The next day, Hal decides to revisit the book.  He comes up to me as I am marking attendance.

Hal:  Mrs. M?  I just read that book again.  I didn’t remember how scary it was and now I am scared.  So, um, could I get a hug?

Me:  You bet.

***

Little Dude got his braces off.

So that is something.

***

Let us discuss the calf formerly known as Darla.

I changed her name to Darcy.  Because I can.

Darcy is still alive, yet she is not able to stand.  She appears to be getting stronger and more alert each day.  We have decided we need to get her up more.  This is tricky because she is not exactly “light as a feather.”  Plus she is always covered in poop and that’s just unpleasant.

So we need three people to get her up and one of those peoples must be David.  He is the muscle of this operation.  Which reminds me!  I forgot to post the results of The Second Annual Maliblahblah Thanksgiving  Arm Wrestling Competition.  Here we are listed strongest to weakest:  David, HD, LD, Hadley, Kate, Me.

Sad.

David, HD, and I got her in this little rigged up hoist thingie for a while yesterday.

You may ask, ‘Taylor!  Why did you guys do that?”

Well, I surely do not know.  None of us know.  I think we are trying to get bloodflow to the legs?

Anyways.  Happy Monday.

One of my teacher besties sent this to me yesterday, and it spoke truth into my soul.

It is like the universe is against us teachers.  The kids come and we spend the first month establishing routines, building community and relationships, and administering initial assessments to see where they are at.  Then we have all this data and we get rocking and rolling around the beginning of October.  Then we have to attend our MTSS meeting, which probably means nothing to you, but it means a lot to us.  And we have to bring a lot of data, as well as our A game, to this meeting.  We have a few moments of teaching bliss and then it is HALLOWEEN WEEK.

After Halloween week, it is time to start thinking about progress reports and conferences.  We we try to teach and teach and teach and we also need to assess and assess and assess so we can report, report, report.

And then it is THANKSGIVING WEEK.

We all come back, chubby from turkey, and try to get the kids back into the school mindset.  Oh!  And also!  MTSS is happening again this very week.   It happens every six weeks.  Like clockwork.

So, I am trying to get ready for that and get them back into a school mindset. I am happy to report that Mack has mastered the word “the”, but now we must pull out all of our hairs over the word “and.”

We are painfully fellowshipping over the first sentence in his new book.  The sentence reads, “Tim and Dad got a hog at the lot.”

Mack:  T-i-m . . . TIM!

Me:  Good.

Mack:  a . . .n . . .d . . . . . hat! had! hot! dog!  I don’t know.

Me:  Try again.

*repeat*

Me:  Mack.  This is the word “and.”  You will see it all the time, just like “the.”  We need to work on memorizing it.

Mack gleefully finds the word “the” in his sentence:  I KNOW “THE”!

Me:  Yes!  I am so proud.  Let’s work on “and”

So, we spell “and” together.  We touch “and”  and we say the word “and” about 18 times.

Me:  Ok!  Let’s try reading again.

Mack:  Ok!  T-i-m . . . TIM!   a-n-d . . . . HAD!

Oh my gosh, Becky, the kid can read every word in the sentence except “and.”

Meanwhile, another students walks up to me and joyfully announces:

“Mrs.  M.  I LOVE school.  And graham crackers!”

And, so that is how first grade is going.  Also, we have 13 actual school days before our two week Christmas break.  And I am sure the kids will be calm and pleasant and ready to learn for all thirteen of those days.  Then we will come back and try to reign them all in again, just in time for . . . more assessments and data for report cards!

Let’s talk about dog toys.

In case you were wondering, dogs can destroy most toys.  We have found two brands of dog toys that our dogs cannot actually destroy and consume.  They are “Kong” and “Chuck-it”  We have bought about 63 combined Kong and Chuck its and the dogs never know where they are because they take them and leave them about our vast lands.  Yet they always want to play fetch.  Norman, bless his heart, has started walking over to the Christmas tree, pulling an ornament off, and dropping it in my lap for me to play fetch with him.

Here he was just moments ago.  Happily trying to play fetch with my cinnamon scented pine cones that I use for ornaments.

And I love them.

Darla the calf is choosing life, but she is still not choosing to stand.  I got home around 945pm last night and went to try and see what was what with her.

I got her to drink some water.

Oh, the joy this brought me, Reader!  So, I got more water and the dogs came and then this cute little interaction happened-make sure to turn on volume.

She is not interested in sharing her water with the dogs.

Yes.  I am aware that she has dried mud chunks all over her.  That is because we found her almost dead in the mud.

Remember?

No.  No, I do not have time to bathe her.  I have to teach Mack the word “and.”

Happy Wednesday.

We rounded off Thanksgiving week by surprising David’s mom with a party for her 70th birthday.

His sister hosted a lovely party, complete with a game of Bunko.  Ever the good sport, David’s mom donned the bright blue bunko wig and posed for pictures with all of her grandsons and grandaughters.

And can we not all agree that life would be divine if we could all look that good at age 70?  Blue hair and all?

In my last post, I shamelessly boasted about how David, Jess, and I saved the life of a calf.

Calf 219 to be exact.

The calf was down in the mud and could not get up.  The dream team, pictured above, got her standing upright and watched her walk away and successfully become a living calf again.

We saw her walk.

We saw her eat.

We saw her pee.

What more could one ask for?

I checked on her later that night.

Fine.

Checked on her the next day.

Fine.

Checked on her the day after that.

Not fine.

With the help of HD and his skidsteering skills, we got her out of the mud and into a drier pig pen.

HD and I did our best, but we were not strong enough to do much after that point.  David and LD joined our team and we got her in the pig pen propped up with hay and a heat lamp.

That whole process took about two hours.

Lest you are confused, the animal on the right is Charlie the dog.  She is fine.  The animal surrounded by hay is the calf.  She is not fine.

We gave her a shot.  We tried to feed her gatoraid for cows.  We tried our best to warm her up, as she was a calfsickle.  And then. We went inside.  Because, what else can you do?

HD snapped this picture of me, and I must say I look fetching.

We all think she will die.

It’s true.

Yes, this is a bummer.  But we tried.  And I feel better knowing that we did what we could and I am thankful I found her so she didn’t just die all cold in the mud.

I texted Jess to update her on the sad news and asked Jess what we should name our dying calf, in case she might choose to live.

So, her name is Darla.

I came inside.  I had dinner.  I fell asleep for a couple of hours.  I woke up and went to check on her with a flashlight.

I yelled, “Moooooooo” and she lifted her head and looked at me like I had lost my mind.

So.

Maybe she will live?

One can only hope.

Cow Update:

We still have them.

I trust you all had a nice Thanksgiving, no?  The astute reader might recall that our oldest, Kate, lives far far away from us now in the land of Jason and Amy.

Remember Jason?

Jason and Amy were coming to the land of us for Thanksgiving and Kate was to hitch a ride with them.  Unfortunately, a great sickness fell upon the house of Jason and Amy, delaying their trip.  After a couple of days of canceled plans, Hadley and I hopped in the car at 5:20am Tuesday morning and started the drive to fetch Kate.

The weather leading up to this road trip was phenomenal.  David casually mentioned to me on Monday night that, “Oh, by the way, we are supposed to get a snowstorm.”  So, naturally, I was all fretful and could not fall asleep until 2am.  I woke up at 4am ready to tackle the 12 hour round trip drive through three states in a snowstorm on two hours of asleep.

Reader.  I am tougher than I look. I have been married to David Maliblahblah for 21 years, after all.

Because Jason had purchased a pig from us, Hadley and I were transporting butchered, chopped up, frozen pig pieces in a cooler.  As people do.  Jason offered to meet us with Kate so we wouldn’t have to drive as far, making the 16 hour round trip drive more like 12.  So that was just plum kind.

So, we set off.  I was super excited about the snowy roads.  At one point I lost control of my car whilst going 60 mph.  My heart leapt out of my chest and fell into my lap.  I made no sudden movements and was able to regain control of the car without harming one hair on anyone’s head and then my heart was able to go back and Hadley and I were a bit terrified and agreed that I handled that sitch like a total champ.

As luck would have it, we left the lands of snowy roads and entered upon sunshine and blue skies and rain and blue skies and rain a blue skies and we even saw this rainbow.

Majestic, no?

We collected Kate and did about 15 minutes of shopping.

Then we had to turn around and drive back through rain and sun and back to the land of snow and ice, the land we choose to dwell in.

We made it and I slept a lot afterwards.

It was nice to have Kate home for a few days and I was even a superstar and had the whole house decorated before her arrival.

I forgot about Rio and trees.

I also forgot to cut a tag off the tree, whish was apparently something I bought last year?  Can you see it?  Can you see it?

D.

Let’s move on.

Thanksgiving week has been full of visitation with relatives from near and far.  Jason and Amy were able to actually come and so we saw all of our kin except Alex and Lauralee.

We had a girls night with the females from the Maliblahblah side.

Sisters Meagan and Jess were also in town and they came to our house for a visit.  While they were there, a calf was down in the mud and unable to get up.

David, Jess, and I went and saved the calf’s live and won Thanksgiving.

Look at how joyous David is.

I forced him to take this groupie.  I am the light of his life.

Happy Saturday!

I am reporting to you, live, (barely) from deep in the throes of Thanksgiving week/Parent Teacher Conference Week/Catching the Chronically Absent Kids Up On Missing Assessments/Getting ready for Thanksgiving break week at school.  I woke up at 2am and was aghast at the thought of being up so early.  But then I kept thinking about all the things that needed to happen over the next 36 hours and sleep was not going to find me again.  I fell asleep at 8pm, and if my calculations are correct, that is six whole hours of sleep, and that will do.

I should be finishing up my progress reports for the conferences that shall happen on this very day.  Yet, here we are.  And we have a lot of ground to cover, my friends.

The kids in my class have done lost their ever loving minds.

The school psychologist came in to observe a few students and I was wondering how on earth he was going to get any data, seeing as how NO ONE was listening to me.  And then there was Mack.

Mack.

We need to talk about Mack.  Mack has gone to the point of no return.  I will need to watch him all day long today to make sure he doesn’t run smack into a wall and knock himself out, bless his heart.  Mack was NOT one of the students the psych was observing, but the school psych will probably inform me that he is one that he should have been watching.

Mack.

Every day, no matter the weather, Mack walks into my classroom, late,  with his winter coat on and zipped to his chin, his backpack on his back, and his breakfast tray full of delicious food.  Mack was wearing that coat during 80 degree weather because he was so proud of the coat his mom bought him for school.  Trying to get him to focus long enough to take the coat off was no easy feat, and here we are in November, and it is still no easy feat.  Also.  Mack doesn’t know how to open his milk carton by himself.  Ask me how I know.

Me:  Ok, Class.  Remember how I went to that new phonics training?  Well, we need to kind of play “catch up” since I am starting late in the year.

Mack:  Yay!  Ketchup!  Let’s play!  Let’s play!  I wanna play!

Me:  No, Mack.  I am saying we need to catch . . . up on a few things.

Mack:  I want to play the game!

Me:  There is no game.

Mack cries. Mack asks me four more times over the next hour when we will play games.  Also, when is recess?

In my training, I learned a fun little song chant that I taught the kids and they double love it.  And whenever we say/sing it, the kids look like child actors from Barney singing a song in perfect unison.  It is a beautiful moment.

It goes like this:  You can say “the” or you can say “thE” (thee) but you always spell it T-H-E.

We do this over and over and over and over.

I am reading with Mack.  I have to steady him every 1.8 seconds so he doesn’t tip over in his chair.  Mack is looking every which way but down at the book and is wondering “what is Sally doing over there?” and “no fair, how come James is on a computer!” and “when is recess?”

Me:  Mack.  Mack.  Mack.

Mack:  Huh?

Me:  Let’s read.

Unfortunately, the first word is “the.”  Mack, who is a very emergent reader, starts trying to sound out the.  And if you have ever tried to sound out “the,” you will understand that it is simply not doable.

Me:  Mack.  This is a red word.

Mack:  Where’s Jack going?

Me:  Mack.  Look at this word.

Mack:  Awwww, man.  I don’t know how to read.

Me:  You can do it!  Look at this word.

Mack:  I don’t know it.

Me:  You can say the, or you can say thE, but you always spell it-

Mack (shouts) T-H-E!

Me:  Great!  Now look at this word.

Mack sounds it out again.  We do this three times before he understands that the word is “the”.  Spelled T-H-E.

Mack was one of a few lucky kids who were chosen to get free tickets on a local Santa cruise.  I pulled him in the hallway to tell him about it two days ago and it was the greatest mistake of my teaching career.

Because Mack is way so excited and Mack doesn’t understand when anything is or will be happening.  Every five minutes he is asking if he is going on the boat and I am like, No, Friend, that is in 21 days, and he is like “Is that after lunch?” And I am going to need a lot of coffee to get through this week with Mack.  Also, when is recess?

He was so physically out of control yesterday that one of the lunch ladies had to grab his lunch tray, steady him, and sternly say, “I need you to calm down and hold your tray.”

Have you ever read the book, “No, David?”

Mack is David.

My patience is wearing thin.  I am trying, but it is just a lot.  My one little gal, Sally, has upped her usual quota of 2 tattles a minute to 5 and I am going into shut down mode with her.

Me during phonics drills:  Eyes on me, the sound is .  . .

Sally:  Ah!  Mrs. M!  Mrs. M!  Betsy stuck her tongue out at me!

Me:  Well, if your eyes were on me like I had asked, you would not have seen Betsy’s tongue.

Teacher of the Year.

And the whole class is excited and amped up and I have to pull out all my tricks to get them back with me.  One such trick is for me to call out:

Flat Tire!

And then the kids all say “shhhhhhhhh” and quiet down and look at me.

Do you know how often I am having to say Flat Tire this week?  I sound like a lunatic in there.

Hal’s even started shouting out “Flat Tire.” Oh, Hal.

Girls coughs in the vicinity of him.

Hal puts up his hand and says, “I think you need to consider social distancing.”

Let’s move on.

A few of you have inquired about how my new hobby, crocheting,  is going.

I had progressed from “yarn and hooks in the bag” to “yarn and hooks out of the bag and on my nightstand”.  And that is how the situation remained for many days.

And then one day, I got home and saw this:

Me:  David.  What happened to the yarn?

David:  I don’t know.  When I got home it was all over the entire house.

So, I had a little chuckle thinking of the cats joyfully spreading yarn around the entire house while I was in town Flat-Tiring some first graders.

And that is how crocheting is going.

Sunday was a bad day.  I give Sunday two thumbs down.  Awhile back, I told David I didn’t like his keeping the calves in the corral situation.  And it is so refreshing to be old and 40.  I just speak my mind whenever I please.

Me:  David.  Let the calves out of the corral.

David:  No.  I don’t want to sort them again.

The area of the corral is a spot on our property where all the mud in the property gathers.

Me:  The calves are all standing in a foot of mud at all times.  That cannot be good for them!  They are going to die of foot rot or something.

Fun Fact:  I have no idea if “foot rot” is a thing.  But I sure don’t like the calves standing in mud.

So then David just decides on Sunday to create a new pen for the calves!  Because I am truly the brains of this operation over here.

David and the kids started to work on the fence and I washed windows.  Oh, I was doing a superb job, washing both the interior and the exterior and cleaning the tracks and just really doing a top notch job.

And then, I decided to wash the screens.

I really wanted to use the pressure washer to attack the screens, plus all the siding on the house, but I am not capable of setting the pressure washer up without David or the boys, and they were off building a new calf fence, so I had to figure out a different plan.

The bathtub!

So, I start washing one disgusting screen in the tub and I decided to start rinsing off another one in the shower while I was cleaning the one in the tub.  For efficiency and all.

And, Reader.

Something happened in that shower and the screen somehow shattered the ENTIRE shower glass door.

Glass was everywhere, including on me.  There was SO. MUCH. GLASS.

So, I had to walk away and take a breather as it was all so ovewhelming.  I made meatloaf and potatoes for the fence builders for lunch and then I went back to glass and spent the rest of my life trying to get glass out of the carpet because whoever designed our house was foolish enough to put carpet in the master bathroom.

And then David finished the fence and had to come inside and assist me with my issues, and he loves when he has to fix all the things, and then he decided to store a bunch of concrete under a tarp on my front porch instead of in his shop and I am trying not to feel fussy about it, but he knocked over my cute “thankful” sign and is blocking my mums from view.

But at least he incorporated the pumpkins.  And he added some tires.

Flat Tire!

Let’s talk about basketball, shall we?

LD is in 8th grade, but gets to play up on JV.  HD is in 9th grade and also plays JV.  HD is 11 and LD is 21 and look at this sweet bro-bro action.

And doesn’t LD almost look like a MAN now?

Yeah.  That would be my 13 year old.  The child who I lovingly call Cokey Bear.

LD:  My basketball shoes feel too tight.

Me:  What!?  The ones we just bought you?

LD:  Yup.

Me:  Aren’t they size 13?

LD:  Yup.

Me:  Well, I am sorry.  You have to wear them for the whole season.

LD was fouled and had to shoot free throws.  He made one but the refs canceled it because he stepped on the line.  A bit later when he came out of the game, one of the big senior varsity players told him a trick about how to avoid that in the most kind, mentor like way and it made my heart happy.  Wasn’t that nice of that senior to help my 8th grade dude?

HD is also a swing player for the varsity team, and more excited he could not be.

Me:  Look at how big my boys are getting!  They are huge!

And then HD warmed up with Varisty.

Me:  Ahhhh.  He is still my little boy.

Hadley is also playing.  This is her senior year.

LD is going to have a friend over this weekend.  This is going to be quite the event because LD’s friend doesn’t usually stay over at other peoples’ houses, as he gets a bit nervous around people he does not know.

So, this has been an event we have been trying to plan for awhile and all the bits and pieces were coming together.

And, then.

Then I realized that this weekend is also a butchering weekend.

So, that’s just great.  Let’s have the kid who is anxious come over to meet the people he doesn’t really know, and I am sure he will find it completely normal that his friend’s dad wakes up at 4am to shoot one of the gigantic cows on the property and start butchering it in the driveway while three dogs howl in their kennels.

Alright.  Happy Thursday.

My Mom:  What are you doing this weekend?

Me:  Cleaning, laundry, and revamping my whole reading program.

Ha.

“Revamping My Whole Reading Program.”

And other lies I tell myself.

I thought about it and I cannot wrap my brain around it all the way yet, so revamping shall wait.  I spent all week in a training for Orton Gillingham, if that means anything to you.  It was excellent and overwhelming all wrapped into one.  My instructor was the most fun and not only did I learn much about the art of teaching reading from him, but I also scored this nugget, per Mr. Teacher’s advice.

When the children keep asking the same thing that you have already told them so many times, such as:

“Mrs. M.  I am done.  Where should I put my paper?”

just start singing this song, to the tune of “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”.

“If you don’t know THIS by now.  You will never, never, never know it.  Ooooh-oooh-oooh.”

Friends.  I simply cannot wait to try it out.  I shall keep you abreast of the situation.

***

Ask me how crocheting is going.

***

Sometimes I make David watch funny videos, such as SNL clips on the YouTube.  I feel it gives him a healthy break from all the pig butchering videos.

He loves it.

Me:  David-that guy right there is married to Scarlett Johansson.  Do you know who that is?

David:  Yeah.  The girl from “Gone With The Wind.”

Me:  Are you kidding me right now?

David:  No!  She was in that book.

Out of desperation, frugality, and a lack of other options, David listened to Gone With the Wind via the Audible.

Me:  Do you love it?  Do you love it?  Do you love it?

David: ________

Me:  It is just sooooo good.

David:  It’s kinda long.

Anyways.  I had to explain to David that Scarlett Johansson is a living, breathing actress who makes a LOT more money than us, and Scarlett from the book was ficticious and would surely be dead at this moment in time, had she been a living human being.

***

David is losing hair from his head, but growing more hair out his ears and eyebrows.  I really want to groom him, but he is too manly for that.

Please advise.

***

Seriously.  Ask me how crocheting is going.

***

David and the boys worked hard all week to repair the in ground wire fence for the dogs.  This dog fence has been the bane of my existence.  But they worked hard all weekend long and finally got it all squared away.

HD is in the skidsteer.  David is wearing the hood and LD is standing near by with the red bucket.  They are burying a wire in the ground, or so I was led to believe.  The boys and David are all almost the same heighth now.

When they came in, I had a big spaghetti meal prepared for them, and, because I am a wife worth more than fine rubies, I had prepared a chocolate cake for David and had a jar of his family’s homemade applesauce chilling in the fridge. Longtime readers just might recall David’s odd obsession with sauced apples.  I don’t share in the obsession, as I am not a baby and I can eat a whole apple without it being pureed.  But, I digress.

David enjoys taking perfectly good chocolate cake and dumping loads of applesauce on it.

Never store bought applesauce!  That would be silly.

I spent a lot of time meal prepping this weekend and dealt with So MUCH beef.  So, naturally, I ate oatmeal instead.  Because I have a hard time eating food when I knew that food and his/her parents.

The dogs and I are enjoying our walks.  I surely love those dogs.

Whenever I get home from work, I shout/sing to them “All the Little Puppies!” to the tune of Beyonce’s “All the Single Ladies!”

Feel free to steal that juicy tip.

The dogs like to jump on the hay bales.

David likes to have hay bales.  He literally has 798 giant hay bales and every day he’s all:

“Taylor.  We have a hay problem.  We need more hay.”

He’s not stable, mentally.

Oh!  I have yet to show you this gem.  Kate sent this little memorial for Hazel’s grave. HD accidentally dropped it and shattered it.  For a minute, I thought about ordering a new one.

But then I was like, Nah.  It represents my shattered heart.

Bleeding hearts of the world.

Anyways. Here’s Matilda’s calf.

Let’s move on.

I have been noticing that David’s laundry is always so much easier to fold than everyone else’s.

Well.  Yesterday, David was taking his shorts off (calm down, it wasn’t as exciting as it sounds), and he was like shimmy-shaking.

Me:  What on earth are you doing?

David:  I am taking my shorts of CORRECTLY.

And I just stood there and thought for a minute.  And, Reader.  David ALWAYS puts his clothes in the hamper with them all not inside out.  Like if I take a sweatshirt off, I pull it off in all sorts of weird ways and it is inside out and sleeves are stuck and it is a hot mess.

But David takes his clothes off in the neatest way possible and I just now realized this after 21 years of marriage.  And that is why his clothes are so easy to fold.

And I could not stop laughing at the way he said “CORRECTLY” and I know he was throwing some shade my way.

Today was Sunday and a day we could sleep in.  So you can imagine my dismay when I woke up at 4:16am ready to greet the day.  I tried to go back to sleep, but it was not working.

David:  Did you start the coffee?

Me:  No!  It is like 4am and I feel like I should try to go back to sleep!

But then I had to get up and go to the bathroom, and Reader!  It was daylight savings time!  My phone said 4:16am, but the oven clock said 5:16am.  And 5:16am IS sleeping in for David and I! And that is reasonable.

Joyous!

So we made coffee and watched three episodes of Ted Lasso at 4:30 in the morning.  As people do.

David has been fussy with me lately, but I didn’t know why.

I have spoken before of David and his two moods:

Fine.

Not fine.

Not fine means everything that is not fine.  It is quite broad.

Anyways, he has been “not fine” with me, but when I ask him, he doesn’t answer and so it has been an exhausting adventure of guess and check.

I was noticing he seemed fussy with me for falling asleep early every night.

Because, first graders.

David has been working a ton and hunting and busy and we haven’t seen each other much.  But this weekend, he was home more than he has been usually.

David:  I haven’t seen this much of you in awhile.  I missed you.

And isn’t that the most romantic thing you have ever heard?

I will try to stay awake a bit later at night to visit with him.

He was not fine because he missed me.

I like him.