The Lumberjack's Wife

I found Kira’s blog, Kissing the Joy as it Flies, a bit ago, and I thoroughly enjoy it.

Thoroughly.

Anyways, she does this thing called “Fess Up Friday,” and I thought I would join in today.

***

I would like to introduce you to new segment on this here blog called:

The Same Thing Happens Every Morning.

You may, perhaps, recall that I told you my Handsome Dude is a ravenous beast these days?

The boy wakes up, runs right past  me, and begins to pull out everything he will be requiring to satisfy his hunger.

Chocolate milk, cheerios with regular milk, and two slices of toast with peanut butter and jam.

He’s FOUR.

(Yes.  That would be homemade jam in the above photo.)

(Don’t pretend you aren’t impressed.)

Soon after Handsome Dude begins his feast, Little Dude will walk up the stairs.  I know he is coming because I hear his creepy bunny voice.

Sweet Pea has taught him how to talk in this strange, high-pitched voice.  This voice cannot be explained adequately with words.  Just know it is uber weird.

Every morning, Little Dude makes it up with his entourage of stuffed bunnies and puppies that he has stolen from his siblings.

The puppies and bunnies are his bosom friends and they must go everywhere with him.

I’m sure that is healthy for a homeschooling child who lives in the middle of nowhere.

At this point in the morning, the girls are still asleep.  They have an alarm, of which they set.  Yet, they never emerge from the basement at the appropriate time.

Why?  Well, according to Sweet Pea, when the alarm goes off, she simply does not feel like waking up, so she just turns it off and goes back to sleep.

She’s EIGHT!

Aren’t we too young for this nonsense and sass?

Once I wake up the girls, it will take them much stretching and groaning to actually get out of their beds.

Attention all Mother’s of Newborns who are certain they will never sleep through the night again:

I often wondered if these two girls would ever sleep through the night.

Take heart!

Eventually, your children will refuse to wake up!  Ah, what a strange, twist of events.

But that is neither here, nor there.

Daisy Mae will walk up the stairs.  Every morning, she will ask me if she can watch TV.  Every morning, I tell her no.  Every morning, she asks me why.  Every morning I tell her it is because we have to hurry and get ready so we can start school.

And every morning, she is shocked.

“We are doing school today?”

Sweet Pea will have fallen asleep again.  I put on my mean-mom pants and go and tell her that I shall NOT be coming down again and she WILL be waking up.

Sweet Pea does not try to watch a show or do anything leisurely.  She knows she is late, because she is late every morning.  So, every morning, after about three wake-ups, she will stumble right into the shower.

Where she will stand for 10 minutes and stare while the water pours over her.

Once she gets out of the shower, she yells for someone to please get her a towel.  And every morning, I tell her no.  Because every morning, she forgets to grab a towel.

And I firmly believe that I should raise this child in such a manner that she is responsible to remember that she will be needing a towel after the shower.

She will don the towel.  Then she will stand in the bathroom with the towel around her shoulders, shivering as water drops from her nose to the ground.

Me:  Go get dressed.

Sweet Pea:  But I am cold.

Me:  I know.  Dry off better.

Sweet Pea:  But I am cold.

Me:  If you get clothes on, you will be warmer.

Sweet Pea:  But I am cold.

Now, it is Daisy Mae’s turn for a shower.  Daisy Mae will first spend 10 minutes “brushing” out her tangles before getting in the shower.

And when I say “brushing,” of course I mean singing into the brush while admiring her beauty in the mirror.

Daisy Mae will also take too long in the shower.

That child can spend 10 minutes in the shower, lather with shampoo, and forget to rinse.  She will then get out of the shower and be shocked when I inform her that her hair is soapy and she forgot to take out all 9 hair accessories from the day before.

Me:  When you were washing your hair, didn’t you feel the hair clips?

Daisy Mae:  I don’t know.

Me: Did you know that you forgot to rinse out the soap?

Daisy Mae:  I knew I was forgetting something!

And she is all dimples and grins as she jumps back into the shower to try again.

Sweet Pea, the aforementioned frozen child, will come upstairs wearing a summer dress that is absolutely not appropriate for our 60 degree weather.

Because everyone knows that when you are already super cold from your shower, you should throw on a light, breezy summer dress.

All this time, the boys will have finished breakfast, bathed, played with their trucks, fought over the trucks, and informed me that they are hungry yet again.

And that, dear readers, is why I look like I am turning 30 in approximately 21 days.

***

We were driving to town yesterday, and Daisy Mae saw me sipping my coffee.

She was quite distraught.

“Mom!  You aren’t supposed to drink and drive!”

***

Little Dude is very interested in telling me the colors of the stoplights.

“Green!  Go, Mom!”

“Red! Stop!”

You would not believe the wrath I must suffer when I turn right at a red light.

***

Little Dude told me the same joke over and over yesterday.

Would you like to hear it?

Sure you do.

Little Dude:  Knock, knock

Me:  Who’s there?

Little Dude:  Banana!

Me:  Banana, who?

Little Dude:  Yummy!

*giggle, giggle, chuckle, chuckle*

***

The other day, I was having a DAY with homeschooling.  You know those days, fellow homeschooling moms?

They come and go.

But anyways, it was a DAY, and I was looking over Daisy Mae’s math and I just burst out laughing:

Happy Thursday!

Yes.  Hello.

I have a plethora of nothingness to share with you.  After a bit of consideration, I have decided it would be best to throw this nothingness at you in a lovely, list form.

You’re welcome.

1.  David tore down the garage at the old house on Saturday.  He took with him Daisy Mae and Handsome Dude, who later went to visit their grandparents.

2.  Do you know how easy life is with just two children?  What were we NOT thinking?

3.  Sweet Pea helped me get all the closets organized.  Little Dude just laid around, refusing to wear pants, and playing trains.  There was no fighting.  There was no hitting.  There were no tears. 

There were no pants.

4.  We even had a visitor out there in Ruralville.

Moose are not sissies, like their friends the deer.

Nope.  This guy, or more accurately, gal, just stared at me and continued to eat my cute, white flowering trees.

I know it was a gal because of the absence of horns.  Duh.

I have to text David pictures of all the wildlife he is missing over here at his dream house.

It’s a shame he is never here.

I’m living his dream.

Lucky me.

5.  What is wrong with me?  I’ve spent too much time talking about the wonderful world of wild game.  My apologies.  Let’s move on to more normal topics, shall we?

6.  My wedding ring lost a diamond.  This saddens me.  But that is neither here nor there.

7.  We have baby bunnies.  They are about 9 days old.  Before I show you this picture, I want to remind you that I have no photography skills (or skillz, whichever you prefer).    Also, these babies are buried under a nest of their mother’s own fur.  Plus, I took it with my phone.  And I didn’t edit this picture to perfection, like I normally do (ha!).  So, take all of that into consideration and trust me when I tell you that this is a picture of newborn bunnies.

8.  Dang.  I started talking about rural-ish animals and the like again.  My apologies.

9.  We have had some strange happenings here.  Things are getting bent and nobody knows why.

Exhibit A:

Handsome Dude’s bike.

Yes.  I am aware.  The bike is a bit girly for a dude. 

It is a princess bike that was formerly his sister’s.  We have four children now and we no longer have time to concern ourselves over such trivial matters.

The point is:  What happened to the wheel?

Exhibit B:

Weird, bending toothbrushes.

Nobody knows what happened.  And nobody did it.

Incredulous.

10.  David brought me home a present yesterday.  A hummingbird feeder.  Readers!  Did you know we have hummingbirds out here, too?

So, now I can spend my long, long, long days out here in Ruralville aimlessly watching the hummingbirds as I sit and pine after my husband, waiting for him to return to his dream house that I am living in for him.

I kid!  I jest!

I like to watch the hummingbirds.  And I certainly don’t have time to sit and pine after anyone.  There is laundry to be done, people!

11.  We went on a walk last night.

Handsome Dude armed himself with a stick.  You know, for to kill the crocodiles.

Lest any of you are concerned, there are no crocodiles out here in Ruralville.

Or at least that’s what my husband tells me.

And he tells me many things.

Many.

No.  Handsome Dude is not wearing his glasses.  This is not his fault.  He is awaiting new lenses.

Little Dude showing me “The Tunnel.”

Little Dude basically makes his whole world revolve around trains.  On our walk we went through “tunnels” and would randomly “choo choo.”

And everytime we walked a bit uphill, he would start singing:

“The train went over the mountain, the train went over the mountain . . . “

12.  On our walk, we saw a mama duck with her babies.

I am wondering, dear readers, if this mother duck is a fit mother.

I am not sure our “lagoon” is a good place to raise a family.

But who am I to judge?

Happy Tuesday!

Is anyone doing anything fun for Memorial Day Weekend?

I have shocking news:  We are NOT going camping.  I believe my dapper husband is loading up his chainsaw in the early morning sun (or, more accurately, chilly downpour of rain) and heading to our old house to perform some long-overdue demolition on the garage there.

Here is a super old picture of that garage from when we lived there, about a year and a half ago:

Things to Notice:

1)  David is wearing Carhartts, and wearing them with pride, I might add.  You can tell from the emblem on his rear.  Not that you should be looking at his rear.  For shame, readers.

2)  Handsome Dude is “helping” unload the wood.

3)  Venturing out into the woods to chop down numerous amounts of trees for to heat the house is an activity that will resume this summer.  I am trying to contain my excitement. 

However, I know I shall get a splinter.  This discourages me.

4)  Oh!  Yes!  The garage!  Do you see it?  It’s in way bad shape.  We keep hoping the snow fall will collapse it.  But, alas.  David must do the deed himself.

So.  I will be home with the bambinos tomorrow, which will be a rarity for me.  Not.  (Or Sike-for Erin, my just-pretends friend.  Holla, Erin)  I think I am going to clean out closets and toy boxes.

This will result in me getting angry.

I will try to remain patient and not get mad when I discover the hidden unknowns and mass devastation that I am certain to discover in my kids’ rooms of doom.

But it probably won’t happen. 

People!

My girls write about 6 plays a day.  They cut out pictures and tape dolls to straws.  They make play books.  They write letters to their friends inviting them to  attend.  Then they journal about their experiences.  And they write notes.  To each other.  And they share a room.

Now, I want you to all close your eyes for a moment and just imagine with me how much paper is in my house right now that is considered absolutely precious and must not ever, under any circumstances,  be thrown away.

The thought of it just makes me feel so forlorn.

But that is neither here nor there.

Let us move on.

I have grossly neglected my Comment of the Week feature on this blog.  To make up for my rudeness, I shall award it thrice.

Oh, yes.

I said thrice.  Feel free to sneak that fun word into your next conversation.  It’s a word that’s sure to impress.

COW #1 goes to my Auntie Datenutloaf on the post Gentle, gentle!:

Yes, I remember when you got you iPod – LJ was showing it to me and what it said but the screen was too small and all I saw was Taylor is a ho and thot he was very rude icks dusting.

(She is speaking of my Ipod that my husband named “Taylor the Hottie.”)

COW #2 goes to JoAnn on the post The Hot Tub Party Bus:

Okay so here’s my deep dark secret: My mom (idiot) (not really) (you’ll see why I’m calling her that in a sec), decided it was a good idea to pull out a giant tupperware container of my old barbies and let my 2 and 3 year old sons play with them. They no longer owned clothes. They had morphed into a barbie nudist colony in that box. Okay, well one barbie was wearing clothes, a hot pink spandex body suit. She had been roller blade barbie.
So I walk in the room and have a small heart attack when I see Q holding a few nude barbies, and then he asks if he can take a nap with them. I say “NO!” and he says, “Why not?” and I say, “Because look! They have sharp feet! They could poke you in the eye while you sleep!”
I made my mom hide them back out in the barn and guess what toys he’s always requesting now when we visit? BARBIE!
I have decided to never tell my husband about this incident.
The End.

COW #3 goes to Debra D:

Maybe Handsome Dude could give me some pointers on the whole losing-of-the-eyewear deal, ’cause I seriously want some new glasses. I just cannot bring myself to buy new ones when I have a pair that work. Just some simple instructions on how to damage these will do just fine if he is still perfecting his modus operandi. Holla, H.D., Holla!

***

Thank you all for the ideas you put in the comments this week.  I am excited to try some of these easy dinner recipes out.  In fact, I am trying Erin’s recipe right now.  Seriously.  It’s in the oven.  Right now.

Trippy!

Oh!  I almost forgot to tell you!  We sold our mice-infested Honda!  Ok, ok, the mice were evicted and the car was clean and all fresh smelling when we sold it. 

Hold on to your pants, people!  I might be getting a minivan.

Or not.

It just depends on what Mr. Lumberjack finds on The Wonderful World of Craigslist.

***

Before I say goodbye, I wanted to share with you all a conversation I overheard my girls having with their friend last week.

Friend:  Did you know there are still princesses?

My girls (who are clearly sheltered):  There are?

Friend:  Yes!  And one named Kate just got married!

Sweet Pea:  Did you know that we are at war with England?

Friend:  Yes!  I know!

Daisy Mae (a storm of fear and sorrow is welling inside of her.  You can tell by the volume of her voice and furrow of her brow.):  What?!?

Sweet Pea:  Yes!  And we will probably lose.

Friend:  Yes.  We will.

Daisy Mae:  WHAT?!?

Sweet Pea:  And when we do, the King and Queen of England will rule over us.

Friend:  Yes.  They will.

Daisy Mae is beside herself with grief.

Sweet Pea:  And when they move to America, they are going to make us bow down and worship them.  And we will have to be their servants.

Daisy Mae:  I just want to DIE!  I just want to DIE!  I can’t believe this!

Sweet Pea:  It’s true!

Friend:  It is.

Daisy Mae is crying and wailing and stomping and yelling.

?

***

Oh, yes.  That was a fun one to try and sort out.

Happy Weekend!

For the third time this year, someone close to me has had to say goodbye to their baby.  My heart aches.  I don’t understand why.  I don’t know what to say.

What can I say?

“In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

Life is precious and I am so blessed.  I have four healthy children and a husband who loves me. 

Today, I am going to have a tea party with my girls.  I will play trains with my boys.  I will snuggle and read extra books.

I will cherish each moment.

I do not know what each day will bring.  I do not know what trials may come my way.

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'” Lamentations 3:21-24

Great is His faithfulness.

Take time to love on your kids today and please pray for my dear friend who lost her baby this week.

I came home from my Wednesday Funtivities last night and my husband showed us his latest find:

Apparently he heard Lucy barking and discovered this turtle when he went to investigate.  Our property could be described as “rolling hills,” so there is a lot of little ponds around from the snow melt and such. 

Handsome Dude has been telling me about the “big worms” he sees when he is playing.  I saw a HUGE snake the other day out there and it dawned on me that he is probably calling snakes “big worms.”

It gives me the pee-pee shivers.

After the kids got a good look at it, we walked it down to the pond-ish areas and let it swim away.

And I must admit this to you all:  I am greatly disturbed.

For I truly know not what is out there, lurking about in my rolling hills.

***

We had a movie night last night.  We decided to finally let the kids watch the newer version of “The Chronicles of Narnia.”  I wasn’t sure if it would be too scary.  Well, the girls liked it, and I think some parts were intense for them, but they were not terrified.

The boys, however . . .

My poor boys.  I just kind of mesh them into the girls these days.  No.  They are not old enough to watch “The Chronicles of Narnia.”  I have bad parenting skills.  Little Dude kept jumping up and shouting:

“SCARY!  WEE SCARY!”

Then he would dive onto me and bury his face into my stomach, which is known for its comforting, pillow-like qualities.

He would decide that he was brave enough again when the scary parts were over.  He would slowly back down off of me.  I, being the mature mother that I am, would pretend to cry so he would stay and snuggle with me.

He is my last baby, you know.

He would smile and say, “I love Mommy!  A lot! “

And leave.

Only to dive back as soon as terror struck again.

Handsome Dude sat with his eyes glued to the TV and his hands covering his ears the entire time.

I think he got confused as to which of his senses he should be covering.  But what-evs.

So.  We tricked the boys and told them we were all going to bed.  Then we let the girls come back up to finish the movie.

Because, apparently, I believe in scaring and tricking my preschoolers.

***

Thank you all for your snack suggestions this week.

I can safely say I have been starving my children in the snack department.  I usually do something like a banana or a graham cracker.

Some of the suggestions I got were: nachos, calzones, and parfaits.

You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “Heck no, I don’t like no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious!

Name that movie.

I always thought things such as nachos and calzones were meals!  Silly me!

I don’t know if I have time to create such feasts for my children, though.

Perhaps I will just bump up their cracker rations.

***

I have more questions for you all.

Don’t pretend you aren’t excited.

Feel free to answer one or all or none.

The choice is yours.

1.  If you homeschool, what do you use for Bible?  I am thinking of shaking things up.  As much as one should shake up a Bible curriculum, of course.

2.  What are some books your kids have enjoyed?  I have a 2nd and 1st grader.  We have been listening to some books on cd.  Some recent favorites are:

The Tale of Despereaux

Because of Winn-Dixie

The Chronicles of Narnia series

The Little House on the Prairie series

3.  Why are there turltes and snakes on my property?  Do you think there could be bears?

4.   If there are bears I am moving.  This is not a question.  It is a statement.  And a very reasonable statement, too.

5.  Why do people say “Woot!”?  Where did it come from?  I prefer “Woo-hoo.”  Seems a little more appropriate for a woman who is about to turn 30, such as myself.

6.  My mom thinks people can 3-way text, sort of like 3-way call.  Do you?

7.  If you homeschool, what is your favorite part?  Mine is getting to do school with them.  I love our curriculum and I love learning with them.  We are actually having a lot of fun.

8.  What is the worst part about homeschooling?  Mine is trying to keep the boys occupado and feeling insecure.  I often wonder if I am doing things “the right way.”  And laundry.  I just think laundry brings out the worst in everything.

9.  Speaking of laundry, all of our whites are slowly turning a dingy rust color, on account of our well water.  This is just wrong.  And, yes, I use bleach.  Has anyone else ever encountered this problem?

10.  What is your favorite, quick main dish recipe?  I just discovered one that seemed simple enough.  Buy 1 pound of chicken strips from the deli and slice them into thirds.  Place them in a 13×9 pan and cover with a jar of spaghetti sauce and mozzerella cheese and bake for 30 minutes at 350.  Super easy way to make chicken parmesan.  I served it with spaghetti noodles.

11.  That was a lie.  I served it to no one. I made it and then I told my husband I was at my witt’s end.  And he, being the loving husband that he is, told me to go for a walk and he would deal with serving the children the meal.

Holla, David.

Holla.

Happy Thursday!

I know what you are thinking:

“How can I  homeschool my children in this fantastic of a way, such as my cyber-pal, Taylor?”

Yes.  It’s true.  I’ve got skills.

Or skillz.  Whichever you prefer.

Alright.  I don’t have skills.  But I am able to show my kids the importance of a brain and/or brain fluid by simply using an egg, a plastic container, water, and two goofy girls.

Lest any of you are confused, I am not a superb homeschooling parent.  Nay.  I am an “adequate” homeschooling parent who is hoping to to not mess up her kids whilst awaiting for an excellent school to open up down the road, next to the bison and horses and deers and such.

Ah.  Today was a day.  But aren’t all days?

You know those days that seem to go on and on forever?

 And you are certain that your husband will never arrive home to save you from the wrath of Handsome Dude’s fury over who-knows-what and Little Dude’s refusal to put on his own pants after a successful elimination?

You know those days where you just look gross?  And your hair looks like your dog’s?  And no matter how many layers you strategically drape over your mid-section, you just can’t seem to achieve that svelte look you were hoping for?

And you want a brownie and quiet?

Today is one such day.

But that is neither here nor there.

Let us move on to more enjoyable topics.

1.  We went to the movies last night.  We saw Pirates of the Caribbean and ate gobs and gobs of popcorn.

2.  I was uber proud of myself for following the entire plot of this Pirates movie from beginning to end. 

3.  I am ashamed to admit that I have never, ever, understood a Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

4.  And don’t even get me started on Lord of the Rings.

5.  David finally figured out that if he turns on closed captioning during the movie, I stand half a chance of understanding what is going on.  Alas.  I cannot do this in a movie.

6.  This is the woman he has entrusted with the education of his four, fine children.

7.  For years I would not let my girls have Barbies.  I felt they were way too grown up.  Finally, one year, I gave my mom the ok to purchase them Barbies.  I told her to go easy.

8.  Her first purchase?  The Hot Tub Party Bus.

9.  There was no turning back. 

10.  My kids are ravenous beasts these days.  The sentence I hear and dread regularly is:

“Mom!  Can I have a little snack?”

11.  When does the kitchen close?

12.  I need snack ideas. 

13.  I am fatigued today.

14.  I have a friend coming over tomorrow.  This excites me deep in my innermost being.  She is bringing me coffee and wants to get my advice on homeschooling.

ha!

Is it wrong to take coffee from someone who is expecting good advice when you have none such advice to give?

I vote no!

15.  I have nothing to blog about.

16.  Can you tell?

17.  I think I should go work on my physical appearance before my husband gets home.

18.  If he ever gets home.

19.  Or maybe I don’t care.

20.  No.  I do care.

21.  Kind of.

Alright.

What do you feed your ravenous kids as snacks?

I need ideas, peeps.

Happy Tuesday!