The Lumberjack's Wife

A Friday List.

1)  My dearheart friend, Amanda, threw caution to the wind and drove all the way out here to visit me.  Is she not splendid?

2)  We both agreed that cooking dinner this evening did not sound like a fun task.

3)  As a result of this, Amanda gets to go to Red Robin in the big city with the lights and cars and humans.

4)  I shall be cooking dinner.

5)  It was a beautiful day today.  But there does come a time in every gal’s life when she has to wonder: 

When is spring coming?

6)  Combined, Amanda and I have eight children.  We allowed said children to play outside.  And we foolishly believed that all eight children would listen to us and not stand in any mud puddles.

7)  We should know better.

8)  At least Amanda should know better.  She is in her 30’s.  I am only in my 20’s.

For shame, Amanda.  For shame.

9)  All children ended the playdate with soaked socks and soggy bottoms.

10)  What should I make for dinner?

11)  I am contemplating running a 5K.  Dumb or brilliant?

12)  I have zero running/exercise/fitness experience and this event will occur in 4 weeks.

13)  Or, I could just make brownies tonight and give up.

14)  I am also giving up on couponing.  Thank you to everyone who gave me permission to do so.

15)  What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?

16)  Do you lava me as much as I lava you?

17)  Ha!  That is clever, you cannot deny it.

18)  The new water heater incident did not cause any sort of tiff whatsoever.  And we all got hot showers this morning.

19)  Therefore, my husband probably doesn’t need to bring me flowers for another year or so.

20)  But, watch out, Lumberjack.  The year 2012 will sneak up on you.  And you shall be romantic, yes you shall.

21)  Let us discuss the COW.  The COW is the Comment of the Week.

It is Erin.  Erin is always hilarious.  I love Erin with an undying, non-creepy, blogging friend sort of love.

But Erin gets it this week because she remembered something on my blog from January of last year.

Her brain is like a sponge!

Erin said:

Is this the same dentist you freaked out with your wet hands while visiting after your 6-year hiatus?

Why, yes!  And you can read all about it here.

Go visit Erin.  She is good times, fun, and happiness.

Happy Friday!

Yesterday, I took the children to the dentist.

Foolishness, I know.

However, I cannot have them known as those homeschooled kids from Ruralville with the grimy teeth.

So.  To the dentist we shall go.

Last September, Handsome Dude went for the first time.  For some strange reason, the staff at the dentist office was quite certain that he was a girl.

There are a lot of words I could use to describe this boy.

Girly is not one of them.

When the gal called him back, she said,

“We are ready for her!”

And I let it slide.  That’s the kind of gal I am.

But when they sent him home with the princess toothbrush, they were crossing the line, folks.

Crossing the line.

So, last week when I called to make the appointment, I casually mentioned to the guy making my appointment that my son was, in fact, of the male species.  And appointment dude thought this was uber hilarious and could not believe the mistake they had made.

So we had a good chuckle over it and he promised the situation would be recitified.  And that was that.

Let’s move on.

We walk into the appointment yesterday.  I hear appointment-maker-dude mention to two other gals the mistake and they all got a good look at Handsome Dude and would giggle and laugh.

I would be lying if I said I was not a bit paranoid.

Is it that hard to tell?

So, they call the three oldest kids back and I sat in the waiting room with Little Dude.

And Little Dude was quite the precious angel, I kid you not.  It was baffling.

About an hour into it, a lady comes back to the waiting room.

She is nothing but smiles and pleasantries.

Smiley Lady: Hi, hon!  Are you Handsome Dude’s mom?

Me:  Yes

Smiley Lady:  Well.  We are having a slight problem.

A million scenarios are racing through my mind.  I am convinced the problem involves either a) urine ,  b) poop,  or c) a and b combined.

Smiley Lady:  He is refusing to open his mouth.

Phew!

Me:  Ok.  Would you like me to go back and talk with him?

Smiley Lady:  No!  We prefer not to force the children to open their mouths.  We will just wait and see if he will let us get a look.  If he decides to allow us to, we will clean his teeth.  Otherwise, there is simply nothing we can do.

Alright.  I’m all for smiling and pleasantries.  However, I have to drive 45 minutes each way to the dentist.  I have four children and a limited gas budget.

And if I take him to the dentist, and he won’t open his mouth, then what, pray tell, is the point?

No.  I am not worried about forcing that kid to do anything.

I have to deal with his broken glasses, peepee toilet seats, piling snow on his bedroom floor, pulling his sisters’ hair, hitting his brother, yelling, kicking, screaming, complete refusal to attempt to chew broccoli, his strange habit of putting everything in ziploc bag, his stealing of gum, his sneaking of cookies and his newest habit: blow-drying his hair in one spot to make it stand straight up.

He can open his mouth at the dentist.  It’s the least he can do.

But, I am sure the smiley, pleasant lady is not going to be on board with my plan.

Me:  Could you just try one thing for me?

Smiley Lady:  Umm . . . .

Me:  Just tell him this:  Your mother said if you open your mouth you get a piece of gum when we leave.

Bribery.  Don’t pretend you don’t do it, too.

So, he opened his mouth.

And now, my dear friends, he is Johnny-Clean-Teeth and he has already used an entire tube of toothpaste and flossed four times since he woke up.

The boy is intense, is he not?

***

Many moons ago, I had a talk with my husband.

You know.  The “boy, I know you love me and we have been married for, like, forever, and life is good, but every now and then, and maybe even just like once a year, could you surprise me with flowers or something on a day that is not Valentine’s Day or any other day that you are supposed to bring me a gift?”

Don’t pretend you haven’t had this same discussion with your husband, you fibbers, you.

So, today, my husband comes home.

Me:  Hi!  You are a bit late.  Did you have trouble?

David:  No.  I just decided to buy you a present.

Glory be and the saints be praised!

Me:  Really!?! Wow!  You didn’t have to that!

Even though I kind of told him he did.

Me: What is it?!

David:  A new water heater!

I know, I know.  So disappointing on so many levels.

However.  This is actually fantastic news!  We truly needed one.

And here’s the best part:

In just a bit here, I get to go “help” him move it into the basement.

Fun fact:  I am not helpful when it comes to muscles.

Therefore, we will probably get into a tiff.  And maybe, just maybe, tomorrow I will get some “I’m sorry flowers.”

Maybe.

Happy Thursday!

There are times in my life when I become overwhelmed.

Oh, yes.  Overwhelmed.

I feel antsy and worried, but I can’t figure out why.  So sometimes it helps to make a list.  A list of things that are bothering me.

Once I see what it is, I either get my bum in gear and get things moving, or I see that it is all silly and I should not be bothered with it at all.

So, without further ado, here is what is bothering me.

(Yes.  I am pretending this will be of interest to you.)

1)  I have not printed out a single picture to preserve my family’s memories since late 2007.

2)  Little Dude was born in 2008.  As far as the photo albums know, we only have three children.

3)  Poor Little Dude does not have a baby book.  Children 1-3 do.

4)  Swimsuit season is looming around the bend.  And I cannot find my swimsuit body.  I fear I never had one.

5)  I ate about 37 cups of popcorn last night.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I have a tummy-up-my-berry.

Lest any of you are confused, tummy-up-my-berry is what my dad always referred to tummy aches as.

He is creative, is he not?

Who knew?

6)  There are people in my circle who are getting into this extreme couponing craze.  I feel guilty if I don’t try and participate, because who wouldn’t want to get 14 tubs of fabric softener for $1.17?  However, I am apparently dumb and I cannot figure out how to get these deals myself.

7)  After considering the matter for three days, the best I could come up with was Yoplait yogurt for 37 cents each and Kellogg’s cereal for 88 cents each. 

Three days.

8)  I should probably potty train Little Dude at some point. 

9)  Many moons ago, I got creeped out and I went all paranoid with my blog.  I started using fake names for the children and I blocked search engines.

I just recently allowed search engines, and now I am wondering if I should remove that feature.

Here are some searches that have led people to this blog:

*how to avoid the lumberjack crack

*my belly hangs over my pants, yay

*taylor is peeing too much, why?

*wife peeling apples in the morning light

*taylor ate a cheeseburger

*ugly mudder blogs

*shall we earn good money in breeding

*punishment for kids leaving poop in the bathroom

*peace out word to your momma

And there are many other creepier ones that I shall not share with you for fear that I will bring more creepy searches with those same creepy search terms.

Let’s just say I shall probably be blocking search engines.

Fun Fact: 90% of people who are using search engines have no idea how to spell or come up with complete sentences.

10)  I need to find ivory dress shirts for my boys.  They do not exist anywhere in the continental US.

11)  I just realized that my favorite jeans are in the washing machine.  And, since I am leaving soon, it looks like there shall be no hope for me wearing my favorite jeans to town.

Which is unfortunate, seeing as how I only go to town twice a week.

A gal should always wear her fanciest of jeans when heading into town.

12)  I will be 30 soon.  This discourages me.

13)  My kids are growing up too fast.  This saddens me.

I hope I am being a good mom.

14)  Should I exercise today?  Nah.

15)  I lied to you all.  I told you I was a hardcore Diet Pepsi fan.  Alas, I really don’t care.  I will drink Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi interchangeably.  If given a choice, I prefer Diet Pepsi.  But it really doesn’t matter.  Judging from the comments section last week, it would appear that I am the only person in the world who enjoys Diet Pepsi and I must wonder how they are still in business.

16)  I kind of want to ask you all to vote for me in this blogging contest.  However, I feel kind of dumb asking you.

So, I won’t.  Kind of.

I would keep going, but I fear I shall be late for my going to town day.

Wish me luck with my not-so-nice jeans!

Happy Wednesday!

Welcome, welcome.

I have a sneaking suspicion that some of you, who shall remain nameless, said you were “in” for Fat Tuesday, and yet you have already bailed on me.

Again.  It is just a suspicion.

Alright.  Today is the for reals Fat Tuesday.  Or realz.  Whichever you prefer.

Now.  When I was a young lass, I took an Intro to French Culture class.

It was around this time in my life:

Check out the mini-skirt!

I was scandalous, was I not?

Let’s move on.

I thoroughly enjoyed the class.  And I remember learning that Mardi Gras meant Fat Tuesday.  And it was a huge party that was thrown on the eve of Ash Wednesday.  And, if my middle school education memory serves me correctly, Ash Wednesday marked the beginning of Lent.

Look at me and my knowledgeable self!

But, really, I am not sure on any of this.  But let’s pretend I am smart just for today.

I suppose I could do some research, but, alas.  I am in a hurry.

If nothing else, let us just wonder why my skirt was do darn high.

***

This Fat Tuesday has nothing to do with any of that.  But aren’t you glad I shared?

This Fat Tuesday is supposed to be a weight loss accountability group for me and my peeps.

BUT IF THE AFOREMENTIONED PEEPS FAIL TO CHECK IN, THEN WHAT, PRAY TELL, IS THE POINT?

Not that I am annoyed or anything.

Ok.  Let’s go through this week’s wins and fails.

I tracked super good on Monday and Tuesday and I even exercised on Monday.

WIN!

I did not track Wednesdsay through Sunday.

FAIL!

Nor did I exercise.

FAIL (or win.  depending on your attitude towards exercise)

I lost 0.4 pounds.

WIN! 

At this rate, I should meet my goal in December.  And by then , I will probably have put on holiday pounds.  Such is life.

FAIL!

I ate garlic bread.

FAIL!

It was delicious!

WIN!

I ate brownies.  And popcorn.  And rolls.  And lattes.  And lots of generally frowned upon treats.

FAIL!

I can always pretend I shall do better this week!

Hopeful WIN!

So, how about you?  How was your week?

You can check in by leaving a comment or by sharing the link to your blog.

Or you can ignore me again this week.

Whatever suits your fancy!

Just remember . . .

You shall never look as good as I once did in a red, denim skirt.

Happy Tuesday!

Good Monday Afternoon!

The girls are playing dress up and the boys are outside (darn).  Therefore, I have a few quiet moments to waste on the computer!

Laundry Schmaundry!

I was asked a few more questions, so I thought I would take a minute to answer them.

From Zoe

1-I hear you talk about your great love for diet pepsi (especially in combination with popcorn). I am a diet coke and a diet dr pepper fan. Ihave never really cared for diet pepsi. Plus, i live in the south and drinking pepsi is pretty much a sin here. Anyways, costco had a coupon for diet pepsi a few weeks ago and I decided to give it another try. So, I committed to a bulk box of diet pepsi. Not my wisest decision. and, I have to say, I still greatly dislike it. I might even hate it. If you lived nearby, I’d give you the rest of them!

So, what are you thoughts on diet coke and diet dr pepper? even coke zero? I especially love a diet dr pepper with vanilla syrup added in from my local sonic.

You know who likes Diet Coke?

My dad.

You might need to rethink your choices in soft drinks.

Ha!  I kid, I jest.

Ok.  I am a hardcore Diet Pepsi fan and know not of these Sonic sodas of which you speak.  I would happily take all your Diet Pepsi from you, you weirdo.

2-About this ruralville lifestyle, how rural are we talking? like, how far is the closest gas station or grocery store? like, the pioneer woman rural?

There are people who live on our road, but I cannot see any other houses from my house.  I can see horses.  That’s all.  The nearest gas station?  Probably about 15-20 minutes away.  The nearest grocery store is also 15-20 minutes away, but it is tiny, expensive, and kind of  . . . not-so-nice.  It is in the opposite direction of the town we originally came from, so we don’t go that way much.  If we head to the town we came from, we can get there in about 35-45 minutes, depending on roads and just where we are going in town.

We opt to go to our original town because there is just more to do there and we get all of our errands done at once.

Do you homeschool because the nearest school is super far away or because that is a value/conviction? or both? I am planning on homeschooling, so i am always interested to hear why people choose to do it. I noticed you started doing it once you guys moved to ruralville.

I have always been torn with the school decision.  I grew up in a Christian school, so that is what I wanted for my kids.  But it was too expensive.  So, we put the girls in public school in town and we were happy with that choice, although I did have some concerns.  But my concerns were not on the quality of the education they were receiving, but more on the social environment.

However, I have always gone back and forth about whether or not I should homeschool.  I was worried about socialization and I was worried about not having enough time to homeschool the girls and still be a mom to the boys.

I didn’t want my boys to always “be in the way,” if that makes sense.

Moving made the decision for us.  There is a school about 20 minutes away, but we are not comfortable sending our kids there at this time.  Homeschool has been a good fit, for the most part, and we are all happy with the decision.

I am not opposed to any option and I feel there are pros and cons to each choice.  I think each family should pray about the decision and do what they think is best for their family.

From Casey:

Hi Taylor! I only thought of my question while I was reading other people’s questions so maybe if you have time you could still answer it? Or maybe save it for the next round of questions? Well anyway my question is- do LJ’s brothers also want to move their families out to ruralville and live little house on the prarie style with all the animals and wood chopping and peeing and such or is he the only lumberjack in his family? Just curious thanks!

We have not met one other person who would want to move to Ruralville.

It’s a good thing we bought a house in such a desirable location!

I do think all of his siblings would prefer to have a bit of land.  And all the menfolk love all things hunter-ish and chainsaw-ish and lumberjack-ish.  Except, not so much Jason.

Remember Jason?

Jason also dislikes huckleberry picking.  Me and Jason are kindred spirits.

I am ingorant to all of David’s kin’s personal peeing preferences.  They might like to pee outside?  Who knows?

They are quite frugal by nature, so they may see it as a great way to save on toilet paper and water costs.

From Queen of the Brussels Sprouts

Are the rabbits going to be for 4-H or for food?

Sorry…I had to ask!

Yeah.  We won’t be eating rabbits.

I’ve got enough to problems with the deer and elk in the freezer.

The rabbits are pets!

***

The boys just brought in the mail for me.

Helpful!

Today is a sunny, albeit chilly day.

Yes.  My son is riding a Dora bike.

What of it?

Spring!  Oh, Spring?  Wherefore art thou, spring?

***

Last night, The Lumberjack and I started watching this TV series called “Lost.”

Have you heard of this?  We’ve never seen it.

We watched two episodes and all I can say is:

OHMYGOSHWHEREARETHEYANDWHYARETHEREPOLARBEARSONATROPICALISLAND!?

That show is intense.

Alright.  This is Taylor Maliblahblah, signing off.

I am about to summon the boys in for naps (darn), rally the girls for homeschooling (sigh), put on a pot of coffee (yay!), and try to not participate in too much self-loathing on account of me skipping out on some good, quality laundry time.

Happy Monday!