The Lumberjack's Wife

I am sure you have all been dying to know if I went to the large women’s event today.

Just to clarify, it was not an event for “large” women, as some of you were mistaken. 

And I thank you for that.

Whatever.

I stayed home. 

I woke up to a very cheerful husband.  He was listening to his odd Chris LeDoux jibberish and making waffles.  Or as the boys refer to them, “wabbles!”

My poor husband.  Ruralville is his dream place.  And he never sees it in daylight.  He leaves at o’dark thirty and comes home at late dark thirty.

Today was a much needed family day.  A day to just be together and get stuff done and not spend our time driving and rushing around.  We got all geared up in our outdoor work clothes.

Which look fantastic, I must say.

And my husband, the smart man that he is, made sure to tell me I looked cute before we headed out.

Since I am shallow and easily flattered, I helped him build a rack to hold various shovels and rakes out of PVC pipe and glue.

We are like a dream team, I tell you.  That tool rack rocked.

We cleaned up the place.  David took the kids on a four-wheeler-ride and I made elk tacos.

This is now my life.

But I did have my taco sans elk.

I am slowly transitioning into my new redneck life.

After lunch, David and the girls searched on Craigslist and found the deal of a lifetime.  A rabbitry.

You may ask, “Taylor!  What in the world is a rabbitry?!”

Well.  A rabbitry, I think, is like a rabbit breeding business.  David has made a deal with the girls that if they can save up so much money, he will let them have a horse.  To earn money, they are doing chores and recycling aluminum cans.  The rabbit business would hopefully bring them in more money.

This is the way my husband thinks.  Do we understand him? No.  But we love him.

Darn our luck, some other lucky Craigslister snatched up the rabbitry before us.

So, they went back outside and I stayed in to make my super duper homemade laundry soap.

If you are lucky, dear readers, perhaps some day I shall share with you the recipe.

Don’t make fun of me.

I know you are.

Some day, making your own laundry soap will be all the rage.  Just you wait.

Then I had to remove not one, but two, wads of gum that were stuck in my carpets.  Not that my boys would ever be so naughty as to steal gum from my purse, chew it up, and then hide it amidst the carpet fibers.

No.  My boys are angels.

Speaking of the boys, Handsome Dude drew a picture for David today and really wanted David to take it to work with him.

So he stuck it in David’s lunch box.

I found it to be super sweet.  Even if his ability to color within the lines is mediocre at best.

Little Dude has been obsessed with his puppies and his blankie lately.  So David, in the spirit of David, decided it would be humorous to torture my poor boy.

He will probably be scarred for life.

We had soup and cornbread for dinner and finished the night off with a family movie night.

And we watched “Beethoven’s Big Break.” 

It.

Was.

Riveting.

We had  a good day.

And after yesterday, you have all convinced me to at least try the flannel sheets.

As weird as it might seem.

Later Dudes!

I am tired and cranky. 

Yes.  I do get cranky from time to time.  It’s true!

I am “resting” on the couch while my husband is supposed to be corralling the kids.  He is actually playing “Angry Birds” on my phone.

And kids are running amock.

Is that how you spell amock?

Spell check says it’s not.

Too bad I am so cranky and tired.  Or else I might fix it.

Hmmm.

I made spaghetti and meatballs tonight.  They were Pioneer Woman’s recipe.  But I substituted the ground elk for ground beef.    Someone asked yesterday what elk tastes like.

Well.  I don’t really know cause I don’t really eat it.  I work around it.  But as far as I can reckon, it is exactly like beef in both taste and appearance.

I know.  I know.

Then why do I complain so?

Because it is not beef.  It is ELK.

My husband just turned on some weird country music and is dancing a jig around the living room.

Lumberjacks can be goofy.  Who knew?!

***

Random Topic Quick Change!

Last night, I did fix my hair.  And change out of my tub scrubbing pants.  But good news!  When my husband called to let me know he was on his way, he said, and I quote, “I just want oatmeal for dinner.”

That,my friends, is why I loveth him.  And why I made him elk meatballs for dinner.

That,my friends, is why he loveth me.

***

Random Topic Quick Change!

What are your thoughts on flannel sheets?

We were given some today.  I have to admit . . . the idea creeps me out.

***

Random Topic Quick Change!

A reader and friend in real life, Dianna,  left this comment on my blog this week:

Just so you know, because somebody will ask, a cord of wood is 4 feet wide by 4 feet tall by 8 feet long. And tamarack is actually a larch.

And that comment prompted the following conversation between my husband and I:

Me:  David!  You always make me look like an idiot!

David:  Huh?

Me:  Dianna just said that Tamarack is actually a larch.  All this time I have been talking up Tamarack, just to make you proud.  But Tamarack is a farce!  There is no such thing!  It’s larch!

David: *sigh*  It depends on who you talk to.

Here’s what I want to know:  Who sits around and discusses such matters?

Fun Fact:  No one cares.  They are trees.  I repeat.  They are just trees, Lumberjack.

Funner Fact:  All my inlaws and my husband would be horrified at the above statement.

Most Funnest Fact Of All:  None of them read my blog anymore!  They done got sick of me!  Holla!

***

Random Topic Quick Change!

My presence has been requested at a large women’s event at my church tomorrow.

But I still can’t decide if I should go.

Here are the pros:

*It is rumored that there will be live humans there.

*It is only $25 and that includes lunch!

*It should be fun.  And neat.  And super. 

Cons:

*I have to leave my house by 7:30am

*I will not come home until 6pm

*Tomorrow is the only day my husband and I would have together

Quick!  What should I do?

Happy Weekend.

1.  Today, the kids and I, or more accurately, the girls and I, organized all the toys/books/games/puzzles in the entire house.

2.  Are we proud that I did not strangle anyone?

3.  The night is still young.

4.  Why are kids toys and things so hard to keep tidy?

5.  Sometimes it feels good to throw out a puzzle.  You know the puzzles of which I speak.  The ones that have exploded and the pieces are everywhere?  Except in the puzzle box?  Yes?  No?

6.  Today’s victim was a Fancy Nancy puzzle.  And it felt good.  Real good.

7.  Does anyone know how to deal with iron in your water?  Cause I have had it up to here with the iron in the waters.

8.  Oh!  I’m sorry!  Does no one else have a well?  Does no one else have to deal with red toilet bowls and rusty shower streaks? 

9.  Don’t be jealous.

10.  My husband is coming home earlier than I thought tonight.  This is good because he is my husband and I have committed to liking him.  This is bad because I have no plans for dinner and now I feel like I should make some sort of an effort.

11.  It will probably be elk.  Gag.  Me.

12.  I was looking forward to my elk-free evening.

13.  Handsome Dude is currently yelling at me.  And I don’t care. 

14.  He is freaking out over one button on his shirt.  I mean, come on.  Get over yourself.  You are not the center of the world.

15.  Me and my computer are.

16.  Oh.  I have been with them ALL DAY.  I am with them everyday.  We are BFF, my children and I.

17.  Does anyone want to talk to me?

18.  There.  I fixed the button.  But he is still displeased.  He feels there is another button.  But there isn’t.  And now he is wailing.  And weeping.  And throwing himself on the floor.

19.  He is a blessing.

20.  Handsome Dude is now pleading with his sisters for button help. 

21.  Little Dude is weird.  When he gets in trouble he just yells, “I’m Cokey!”

22.  It seems like an odd response to the question, “Did you just hit your brother in the head with a train?” 

23.  Perhaps he does not speak English.

24.  Or maybe he is confused as to why he is called Cokey.

25.  His name is not Cokey.

26.  Nor is it Little Dude.

27.  Handsome Dude Update:  “Mooooooommmmm!  Waaahh-I- neeeeeeeeeeeeeed-to-use-da-BAF-room, K!”

28.  Little Dude is now playing hide and seek with his truck.  See?  Weird.

29.  Handsome Dude is still in the BAFroom.

30.  Maybe he fell in!  That would be a shame.

31.  Drat.  I should probably fix my hair and take off my tub scrubbing pants for to woo my husband.

32.  Do you have tub scrubbing pants?  I do.  I got tired of bleaching all my nice pants.

33.  Bleach does not work for iron stains.  Ask me how I know.

34.  I feel like since all I do is stay home in Ruralville, I should feign to be normal and wear un-bleach-stained clothes and fix my hair so my husband doesn’t worry about me.

35.  I am starting to get weird and creepy.

36.  I saw two deer today.

37.  What should I make for dinner?

38.  What are you making for dinner?

Goodbye.

Look!  My title rhymed!

I don’t have anything of value to post of today.  As if I ever do.   But post I shall!

A few days ago, I mentioned how we got the manly men to smile in a picture by tricking them into fantasizing about 10 Cords of Tamarack.

I was surprised, nay, shocked at how many of you did not know what this was!

For shame, dear readers.  For shame.

1.  Tamarack, I will have you know is the best type of firewood out there.   And each year my husband hunts for the perfect, dead Tamarack.

Oh, yes.  It’s true.

Why? 

Because it burns HOT and SLOW.  This is good.  The fire last longer and warms you and makes you feel all happy and tingly inside.

2.  It is important that the tree is dead.

A)  Because it is illegal to cut down living trees.  And Lumberjacks surely are law-abiding citizens.

B)  Because if you burn “green” (live) wood, sap will get all over you and your jeans and your fingers and then your hair when you try to brush your hair out of your eyes.

C)  Technically I should not know about B if you refer to A.  I shall have to investigate with my husband as to why I know what green wood burns like.

D)  I know.  I think that even if it is dead, it takes a while to dry out.  Like a couple of years?  I cannot be certain.

E)  Still.  Perhaps I shall remind him.  Lumberjacks can be shady.

F)  Kidding!  Kind of.

G)  Is anyone still reading this?  Does anyone care about the mysterious ways of the Tamarack?

3.  A cord is a measurement of wood.  I do not know the measurements, nor do I care.  All I know is it is a lot of wood to stack and gives you splinters and backaches.

4.  My husband, bless his heart, usually made us get 11-12 cords of wood.

5.  We don’t have a wood stove in our new house.  Darn.

6.  This has taken away his will to live. 

7.  We will probably get a wood stove for next year.  Boo. 

Speaking of Tamaracks (Yes, I am still talking about wood.  What of it?), my husband has been known to go on drives just to search for dead Tamaracks.  And he remembers their locations.  For months.

Yet he knows not one of our childrens’ birthdays.

***

Let’s move on to homeschooling.

Homeschooling is going well.  I think. 

We no longer meet in our homeschool room.  We actually ditched that idea in October.  It was a bad, bad idea of mine.  It works much better to have school in the kitchen.

I am not sure if you are aware of this or not, but my boys are kind of naughty.  I found that having them cooped up in the same room as us whilst homeschooling was a horrific and stupid idea.

The girls are doing well, but I am concerned about their ability to do jumping jacks.

I ain’t gonna lie.  My girls are kind of gooberish when it comes to the jumping jacks.

Daisy Mae just jumps in the air with her legs hip-width apart and her arms flailing about.  The legs never come together and the arms are never in harmony.

Sweet Pea just jumps and twirls and bumps into Daisy Mae.

And they are sure proud of themselves and their mad skills.  Or skillz.  Whichever you prefer.

Quick!  Do you have a 6 or 8 year old girl at home?

Please observe them doing jumping jacks and let me know if my girls are behind.

Thank you.

***

Finally, my friend wants to make me a blog button, but she needs to know what kind of an image I would like for it.

You, like me, might be saying,

“What is a blog button?”

“Why do we need one?”

“What is its purpose?”

“Why does my child do jumping jacks like that?”

“Should I make brownies today?”

I know.  These things are all confusing.  But for now, let’s just focus on the image part.

I need some ideas on what an image for a pointless blog, such as mine, could use for the aforementioned button.

If you have some ideas, please submit them to me in the comments section post haste!

Happy Wednesday!

PS-And not an AX or a picture of Paul Bunyan.

PPS-This blog is really not about Lumberjacks.

PPPS-Well, today it was.  But usually it is not.

PPPPS-What is this blog about?

Things to ponder.

On Saturday, I made a fool of myself.

Oh, yes.  A fool.

You see, David’s brother, Alex, had come to do who-knows-what with David.  They took with them some guns and they left in David’s truck.

Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

But then I had to leave.

 Shocking, I know.

But there are times, as rare as they may be, that I do actually fire up the old rig, don my pearls, and head to town.

However, I ran into a minor hiccup.  Alex had parked his vehicle in such a way that I could not turn my rig around.  Therefore I decided to back all the way out of our driveway.

Our driveway is kind of long.  I don’t know.  Lots of yards.  Perhaps hundreds of yards?  I cannot be certain.

Oh!  I should totes have the kids measure the driveway for math today while I sit in the house and eat chocolates and read a magazine!

Homeschool.  Check.

Anyways.  I have seen my husband back out of this driveway on numerous occasions.  I have even seen him back out with our camp trailer.

Folks.  It can be done.

So, I enlisted Daisy Mae to be my lookout.  She kept saying I was good.  But then . . . clunk.

No, Daisy Mae.  I was not good.

So.  We were stuck in a ditch.  Which was unfortunate.  And then I had to call my husband and see if he and Alex and their guns would mind taking a break from doing who-knows-what to come and pull me out.

And my husband took a picture, for to mock me.

See?  I was so close.

Is not his truck filthy?  It became that filthified whilst they were doing the aforementioned who-knows-what activities.

As we were getting towed, Sweet Pea turned to her friend, who was in the car (Hi, friend’s mom who reads this blog upon occasion!  I promise your daughter is always safe with me!  I am a superb driver!).

Sweet Pea:  Did you hear that?  Alex just told mom to put the car in four wheel drive!

Friend:  Ok.

Sweet Pea:  Isn’t that exciting?!  Have you ever heard of four wheel drive?

Friend:  Ummmm

Sweet Pea:  I know!  So cool.  These are the sorts of things my family does!

So, they pulled me out and that was that.

The End.

In other news, I was without power for five entire hours yesterday.

It was cold and awful.

And in final news, do you remember how I just went to mean old Tennessee to see my dearheart friend, Bimlissa?

Well, her mama sent us on a shopping/blogging mission and she wrote all about it in her super famous blog.

You should check it out, if you are feeling frisky this morning.

Click here.

I took all the pictures for her, so you can expect them to be of the fantastic quality.

Happy Tuesday!

Well.  It finally happened.  My husband deemed last night to be the night that the two, yes, that’s right, two deer mounts should be hung on my pretty peach walls.

Lest any of you are confused, I dislike the peach.  Like a lot.

Now don’t get your panties all in a knot there, you silly readers, you.  He did not shoot two deer this season.  One of the mounts was from 2007. 

Exhibit A:

This classic buck is the fresh and hip 2010 model.  He is keeping a watchful eye o’er Sweet Pea as she does her studies.

See?

Deer heads in the house aren’t creepy at all.

Exhibit B:

He’s back.  Yes.  I named him Frank back in ’07 when he first hung in my house.

My husband finds the naming of his trophy bucks irksome.  But it helps me deal with the fact that the buck is now my decor.

Frank now hangs in the staircase of our new home.  The stairs lead up to the television.  I can be often found sneaking downstairs to pop me some corn and eat all sorts of glorious snacks at all hours of the night.  Perhaps Frank will creep me out, so much so that the snacks will lose their appeal.

One can only hope.

***

I am pretty sure I am the only person who struggles with this, but goodness, I am having a rough time with my kids over here.

I mean, seriously.

How many times must I repeat the same thing?

No.  You cannot take gum out of mommy’s purse.

Girls, get dressed.  It’s time for school.

Do not hit your brother with the truck.

Girls!  Time for school!  Get ready.

Where did you get that gum?

Do not play in my room.

Do not hit your brother with the train.

Girls!  School!

No Gum!  No!

Do not splash in the bath.

Where are the girls?

Lucy!  Do not eat my red sprinkles! 

LucyFur.

No splashing!

Do not hit your brother with your shoe.

Girls!  School!

Do not chase.

Do not hit.

Do not run.

Do not yell.

Do not splash.

Do not steal gum.

Do not be late for school.

*sigh*

Iamexhausted.

The last two days have been a constant struggle with these creatures.  And I must remind myself that they are a blessing.  And I do love them.  I really do.  And I am so thankful for them.

But, come on. 

Why can’t my day go the way that I hope?  Why can’t things run smoothly and the day go pleasantly and the chores get done cheerfully (ha!) and the lessons get done easily?

Days like today make me so sad.  I hate feeling this frustrated and I know I have shown my anger and crankiness at my kids today.  My attitude does not reflect how I truly feel about them.

I feel blessed to have each one of them.  I love their different personalities.  I am thankful that God has given them to me to take care of.  I love watching them grow and learn and change.

I love that they are mine.

I want to be a good mother.  I want to reflect God’s love to them.

But I am imperfect.

Does this surprise you?

This phrase from this song kept popping into my head today:

 O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

From “Come Thou Fount of Many Blessings” written by Robert Robinson.

Prone to wander.  That’s me.

God shows me grace daily-am I showing grace to my children?

I realized that in all my weariness today, I had forgotten to stop and pray.

This happens to me a lot. 

God had to remind me again that when I am not putting him first, the rest is all in vain.

Turns out I don’t listen so well the first 1-492 times either.  My kids come by it honestly.

The End.

Does anyone else ever struggle with how to appropriately open a post?

Neither do I.

Good evening.  I am back from my trip to visit my dearheart friend Bimlissa   over in mean old Tennessee. 

Bimlissa=Melissa.  It’s a long story.

Interruption:  No need to check her blog for any posting about me.  She likes to pretend she doesn’t know me in real life, on account of how strangely I act whilst blogging.

I made it onto the plane.  I was offered no such choice about whether to receive the aforementioned naked body scan or to go with the heavy patting.  As luck would have it, I was able to get naked scanned in two separate states.  So that’s good to know. 

Fun Fact:  I was thinking that everyone in the vicinity of the security areas would be seeing my scan.  Kind of like how everyone can see the insides of my purse.  I was misinformed.  I am not sure where my scan went, but no one near me saw it.

I think.

The plane ride was long.

I had a fantastic time smiling and waving at all the small children and complimenting the exhausted parents.  And then I would keep smiling as I donned my headphones, listened to some tunes, sipped some coffee, and did my crossword puzzles.

Taylor without kids!  It was like I was just pretending to be me!

Once I arrived in the not-so-mean land of Tennessee, I was ushered to a Chick-fil-A post haste.  It was like Christmas for my taste buds.

The trip was splendid.  I had a lovely time catching up with my friend and her family.

Bimlissa has three children.  C is 9, J is 7 and G is 3 months old.  C and J were delightful for the entire trip and I thoroughly enjoyed visiting with them, which made it a little easier to be away from my hooligans for so long.

I played the card game “War” with J one night.  She was kicking my bum, so I congratulated her on her awesomeness.

“Yes,” J replied.  “The Royal Family has blessed me.”

Eh?!

Ah.  I love the things kids say.

Baby G tended to get a bit more particular than his siblings and would oft let us know when he found the conditions unsuitable.

But he was cute, so we permitted it.

On Friday we went shopping.  And eating.  It’s what we gal pals do best. 

It was C-O-L-D in Tennessee, much more so than I had anticipated.  For some reason, I had envisioned myself happily shopping the streets of Tennessee in January wearing flip-flops and capris.

Not so, dear readers.

Not so.

On Saturday, we beat feet to Nashville where we saw magnificent things like:

The Wildhorse Saloon

Some sort of silly stadium for “foosball.”

Ha!  Name that movie.

Look!  The Parthenon is in Nashville!

Who knew?!

The Opryland Hotel

On Sunday we went to church.

Then we ate and shopped and ate and shopped.

Then we grew tired of that nonsense.  So we took a break and went to get some frozen yogurt.

Bimlissa and I asked her dear children to take fabulous photos of us enjoying our time together.

And they did!

Kinda.

Sorta.

Everytime I called home my husband informed me that my children did not miss me. 

 But each time I talked to Handsome Dude he asked if I was on a truck or a plane and was the plane red or blue or or-nange and where was I and why can’t he see the plane and where did I park my truck and is the plane fast and he is not being naughty and where is Miss-a-liss-a and why am I there and where is the plane and can he have a cookie and when I was done with Miss-a-liss-a’s house, could I please come “bisit” his house?

So, I think that could be considered “missing me” . . . yes?  No?  Yes?

Alright.  That’s it. 

Does anyone else ever struggle with how to properly end a post?

Neither do I.