The Lumberjack's Wife

Thank you all for the anniversary wishes yesterday.

We did, in fact, get to go on a date.

And it was not, in fact, LJ’s dream date of driving the back roads and looking for deer.

As entertaining as that sounded.

We went on a date that eerily resembled my dream date.

Holla!

Go Popcorn!

*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*

It’s that time again.

Let us take a moment out of our day to welcome Gladys back to the blog.

She’s thrilled, as you can clearly see.

This week’s COW (comment of the week) goes to Angela with her comment on “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Years”

“How not to lose a lumberjack in 10 years….
*Drive an insanely large diesel rig that he picked out for you.
*Cram four children into an insanely small vehicle that he picked out for you.
*Stoke a wood-burning stove for seven years in absence of a thermostat.
*Put up with wires hanging from your kitchen cabinet for years on end.
*Move to ruralville.
*Go camping with inlaws.
*Make him laugh lots and lots!
*Only speak well of him, through it all.
I think you’re doing pretty good!”

That one made me smile.  I think I shall gently encourage The Lumberjack to read those fine words on days when he is feeling a tiddly-bit cranky with me.

I know what you are thinking.

How could anyone be cranky at me?

I find it odd, too.

Go say “hi” to Angela!  She writes two delightful blogs:

Those with Young

Let’s Talk About Boys

I visit the latter one frequently, seeing as how I like to talk about my boys often.

I mean, really.

What is with them?

Yet, I loveth them.

*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*

Did you know that The Lumberjack sang to me at our wedding?

Proof:

You may apologize now for calling me a liar.

I don’t want to talk about my hair.

Let’s focus on my husband.

How could a guy who shopped at The Gap, highlighted his hair, hung out at the mall, suntanned, and lip-synched change so drastically in one decade?

The Lumberjack then:

The Lumberjack now:

Isn’t that called “Bait and Switch?”

Aaaannnddd . . . I love him.

*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*

Do you remember how on the 4th we found a spare pair of Handsome Dude’s glasses just laying in my parent’s yard?

Look at them now.

This is my life.

*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*

We went to the beach this week with friends.

The beach in Ruralville.

Look at me getting visitors out in the middle of nowhere!

Fact:  This is only because I hand out gas vouchers as bribes.

Here are a few pictures from our day:

Here are the dudes . . . hard at work, per usual.

Little Dude was a naughty little thing that day.

He felt he could swim across the lake.

And even though he would get in trouble and nearly drown upon occasion, he was bound and determined to head out into the Lake of Shining Waters.

(Name that Movie)

And I was bound and determined to put him in a time out on my lap for duration of the beach day.

I have to keep him alive.

It’s the least I can do.

I guaran-darn-tee you Handsome Dude was being a menace with that there noodle.

Look at the two mermaids we found!

Silly readers!

Mermaids aren’t real.

That is Daisy Mae and her friend, Cute Little Red Headed Girl!

They sure fooled you!

The towels were a gift from Jason and Sweet-Honey-Amy.

Remember Jason and Sweet-Honey-Amy?

I mean, how could you forget?

Is it just me, or do I find a way to link Jason back to almost every single post I write?

Attention Jason:

Who are you . . . really?

*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*

We have a bird living on our front porch beam!

Can you see it?

Can you see it?

Neither can I.

When I grow up, I am going to be a good photographer.

*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*

I am pretending to be on Weight Watchers again.

I tried to bake low-fat cookies called meringues.

I honestly don’t know what happened to them . . . but they ain’t right.

Fail.

I tried to bake WW chocolate chip muffins.

I know what happened to them.

I burned them.

Fail.

I baked Little Brown House’s Black Bean Brownies.

I haven’t tasted them yet.

We shall see, we shall see.

Raise your hand if you feel that black beans absolutely do not belong in brownies.

Well, Ms. Brown House feels strongly that they do.

Moving on.

*Random-Topic-Quick-Change!*

We are pulling out soon for the weekend!

Can you guess where we are going?

Three clues:

1.  I am tired.

2.  I’ve been busy.

3.  It starts with a “c.”

Later, Dudes!

Happy Wednesday!

I woke up this morning and wrote you all a super helpful post on how *not* to behave as a wife.

You are so very welcome.

I am fully aware that you come to this blog for helpful and pertinent life information.

And I aim to please.

I closed my computer and began to prepare a delightful breakfast for my offspring.

Please look at my kitchen.

I was at the cabinets to the right of the fridge.

Suddenly, the cabinet above the microwave shot open and all of my Christmas dishes (about40 different glass plates, bowls, etc), poured out of the cabinet.

I did what any responsible mother would do.

I screamed and ran in place.

One child, I repeat, ONE of my children came to check on me.

And she did not even seem to care.

Whatever, Sweet Pea.

Whatever.

Apparently the shelf supporting all this fine dinnerware broke.

I did not get a picture of the disaster.

I was not composed at the time.

It was pretty scary!

And just look at what it did to my floors.

Such sadness.

Such despair.

But don’t lose heart!

I bring good tidings of blog joy!

I was awarded by two different bloggers this award.

Thank you Magimom and Auburnchick!

I decided to pick a few blogs to share this award with.

I enjoy many other blogs, but just chose a few for today’s purposes.

Oh, and I am totes in a hurry, so I am just going to put the link here and not be all fancy like with the hidden linky business.

I am way classy like that.

Lest any of you are confused, totes=totally.

Here are some blogs I enjoy, in no particular order.

1.  Erin from Is it Bedtime yet?  http://schorefamily.blogspot.com

Funny!  Hilarious!  Love her!

2.  Joyce from From This Side of the Pond.  http://joyce-fromthissideofthepond.blogspot.com

Love hearing all her stories.  She leads an exciting life.

And she never has to cook on Fridays!

I love that!

3.  Sharyl from The Little Brown House  http://www.thelittlebrownhouse.us

Fantastic craft ideas and recipes.

4.  Angela from Those with Young http://www.thosewithyoung.com

Perfect, short, inspiring messages on scripture for busy moms.

5.  Liz from Mabel’s House  http://mabelshouse.blogspot.com

Love her.

She takes great pictures and is a great writer.

And she also has a dog named Mabel.

Win-win-win.

(Name that TV show!)

6.  Jill from Jill Boyd’s Place  http://jillboydsplace.blogspot.com

Funny gal with a whole bunch of kids who drives a bigger rig than I!

7.  Mindee at Our Front Door  http://www.ourfrontdoor.us

I love Mindee!  She is honest, funny, and a great friend!

8.  The Lady of the House at http://herhousehold.blogspot.com

A newer blog I found!  I love her posts.

9.  Katie at So Funny Story http://ktslifeisfunny.blogspot.com

I love popping in and seeing what Katie is up to!

So, there you have it!

Go and see some new blogs!

1.  Look like a dork while trying to look like a bathing beauty.

2.  Look like this . . .

for at least 40 months of your marriage.

Please notice the gray truck behind the woman who resembles the Kool-Aid man.

That truck will be important in 0.8 seconds.

3.  Drive his beloved truck for about 5 miles across town with the emergency brake on.  Then scold him for the fact that his stupid truck is too big, too hard to drive, too ugly, too high up, and smokes too much.

4.  Finally agree to do something adventurous with him, such as snorkeling whilst in Cancun.

*Annoy him when you inform him that it would be great if your hair didn’t get wet.

*Annoy him when you inform him that every time you dunk your face in the ocean, your goggles fill with water, and certain death is near.

*Annoy him when you ask him if he is trying to kill you in Cancun, seeing as how he expects you to not breathe while snorkeling

*Annoy him when you demand that no fish touch your legs for the duration of this swell activity

*Annoy him when you ask him 14 times if you have mascara running down your face.

Folks.

Lumberjill is not waterproof.

5.  Call him at work, after he specifically requested you do not call him much at work, and inquire of him just what he did with his belly button lint that morning.

6.  Take pictures of a “dead” bat that is magically stuck upright on a screen.

Inform everyone and their mother that there is a dead bat stuck on your house and you don’t know what to do.

Plead with your husband to remove the bat carcass as soon as he comes home from work, as you are sure the carcass is disease-ridden and such.

Hide in fear of the dead bat when your husband goes outside to handle the “situation.”

Watch as your husband casually hits the screen with a broom handle and the bat flies away.

Ponder how you ever graduated from college.

7.  Attempt to be your husband’s help meet by doing some Price Checking for him at the Home Depot.

Take the Home Depot guy’s opinion over your husband’s and scold your husband for not knowing what he is doing, when in fact, your husband was right all along.

8.  Look this good at major family events:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

***

Well.

We hit 10 years tomorrow.

Let’s see if he sticks around until then.

Happy Wednesday!

PS-Happy Anniversary to Tanna and her husband, too!  They got married on the same day as The Lumberjack and I did.

Holla, Tanna!

We had a very busy 4th of July.

We left our house around 10am and returned around 10pm.

Yet, I neglected to bring my camera.

This is my life.

Nevertheless!

I find it my duty to still report to you the events that occurred on that day.

1.  We went to church.

2.  The Lumberjack and I helped serve in children’s ministry at the aforementioned church.

Fun Fact:  I have been serving in children’s ministry for 5 years.

Even Funner Fact:  The Lumberjack has not.

Fun Fact:  The Lumberjack told me that if I moved to Ruralville, he would help me in children’s ministry.

Even Funner Fact:  The first Sunday we went to church after our move I signed him right up.

Regretful Fact:  I totes should have got more perks out of this Ruralville deal.

Raise your hand if you have no idea what “totes” means.

Moving on.

3.  After church, we were engaged to go boating, beaching, and barbecuing with my crazy-kin in-laws.

Yet, the weather was not agreeable.

60 degrees. Gray, cloudy skies. Windy.

Does this stop my inlaws?

No.

No, it does not.

Go to the beach we shall!

My in-laws are a strange peoples.

4.  I watched Jason BBQ up some delicious all beef patties while wearing swim trunks and a winter coat.

Remember Jason?

5.  We ate.  We visited.  We froze to death.

6.  Next we went to my parents house for another BBQ.

You see, dear readers, once you move out to the middle of NOWHERE, you have to make the most of your trip to civilization and visit every friend, relative, and acquaintance in one day.

For you know not when you shall see them again.

7.  There was a whole assortment of peoples at this BBQ.  My Uncle Greg was there and he was bound and determined to be in this blog post.  So he had his friend, Darla, take pictures with her camera phone and email them to me for your viewing pleasure.

Everyone say, “Hi, Greg!  Hi, Darla!”

Now, here are some events/photos from the BBQ at my parents’ house.

Please.

Try to contain your excitement.

 Event #1:

This is my dad and Uncle Greg.

They are showing about 3% of the stash of grilled corn on the cob they hoarded and hid from everyone else.

You see, dear readers, my dad brought in a platter of grilled corn on the cob inside for the rest of us.

Yet, unbeknownst to us, Dad and Greg hid a significant amount of grilled corn in the BBQ so they could have all they wanted without sharing.

And, as they were feasting on their vast supply of corn, us common folk were inside fighting over who got the last piece.

Whatever, Dad and Greg.

Whatever.

Lest any of you are confused, my dad is the one on the right.

Remember my dad?

 Event #2

My sister was there.

She brought with her two friends.

I enjoyed these three people for they entertained my children for most of the evening.

While they were playing an enjoyable game of freeze tag, I heard my sister scold Handsome Dude for leaving his glasses in the grass.

Sister Meagan:  Buddy!  You can’t just throw your glasses in the grass!  They are broken now!

Handsome Dude:  I not!

Sister Meagan:  Yes. You did.  They are right here.

Handsome Dude:  I not!

Me:  Wait!  His glasses are in Mom’s room! 

Sister Meagan:  No.  They are right here.

Me:  Sweet!  Those are the glasses that have been missing for like 3 weeks!

We all had a good laugh . . . a chuckle, if you will . . . over that one.

Attention Dad:  How did you not notice this while mowing the lawn?

Event #3

My cousin, who conveniently also goes by the name of Greg, was there with his new fiance Talia.

They were just engaged the day prior.

Sadly, this news must be brought to you picture less.

For I am a loser.

Event #4

This is a picture of me.

In this picture, I am begging, nay pleading, with my husband to build us a fire.

I would like you all to know he refused.

This is what happens when you are married for 9 years, 361 days.

He no longer feels the need to swoon me.

Event #5

This is my mom and dad.

My Mom:  Grant. It is cold.  Can you build a fire?

My Dad:  Yes, I can.

And then, he built her a fire.

Attention Mother:  Teach me your ways, O Wise One.

***

That concludes my recap of our cold, chilly, corn-filled 4th of July.

I hope you all had a splendid weekend!

Happy Tuesday!

On Thursday, Sir Lumberjack and I will be celebrating our “actual” ten-year anniversary.

(We cheated in February and went on our little trip early.)

When we got engaged, I immediately began to freak out and decided the following things were a must and bought them immediately:

1)  A bed.

2)  A Wedding Dress.

3)  A broom and dust pan

4)  AJax.  (I found a coupon-10 cents each!  What a steal!

*sigh*

This is what happens when 18-year-olds get engaged.

I got over my shopping frenzy and those items sat in my parents house during our one year engagement.

But at least we had AJax!

So, in honor of our anniversary, I thought it would be fun to do a Questions and Answers post in a He said/She said format.

For example, you will submit a question, then I will answer it and The Lumberjack will answer it.

I would most appreciate your assistance in this matter.

Happy Weekend!

Holla!

What a dreary, rainy day.

Oh! 

Idea!

Clue #1:  I do not live in Georgia

Clue #2:  Look out your window.  Do you see sun casting its lovely rays upon the beauty of God’s creation? 

Then you do not live near me.

That’s all the clues I should do.

Sooner or later you will certainly figure this out.

And it will be my own fault, gosh darn it.

Turns out I am my own worst enemy.

Of course, today is the day The Lumberjacklings and I were going to head to the local beach to play with the local ruffians.

Looks like it’s laundry day instead.

Again.

We have a lot of items to discuss in this super-fantabulous post.

So grab some coffee and gird up your loins.

It’s gonna be a wild ride.

1.  I updated my blogroll.  Check your link.  I may have messed it up.

This is not odd for me.

2.  The COW picture contest!

Oh, it was neck and neck.

COW A received 24 votes and COW B received 21 votes.

But I liked the idea of mixing it up and switching the cow picture from time to time.

I shall do that if I am feeling frisky.

For really, folks, this is as exciting as my life gets.

What else is there for me?

Meet the winner:

I shall call her, “Gladys.”

Simply for the fact that Gladys is a fantastic name.

Is that a girl cow or a boy cow?

Can there be a boy cow?

Are boys only called like studs or bulls or geldings or steers or something?

Attention Future Farmers of America Club Members:  What creature is in that picture?

Either way, I am still going with Gladys.

Fun Fact:  I am planning on homeschooling my children this year.

Pray for them.

3.  Because I am feeling spunky, I have decided to award the COW (comment of the week) to three, yes three, different people.

Why?

Because I can.

I just could not decide between these 3 commenters so I decided they were all winners.

Are you wondering what my criteria is for choosing the COW?

You are not alone.

Alright.

Presenting the COW Trifecta:

Ah.

Look at Gladys in all her glory.

Winner #1

JoAnn from Ostriches look Funny on the post Lagoons and Local Ruffians:

okay so…my kids have been known to get naked and PEE when I turn my back…in public places…like the church lawn. I guess I have ruffians.
That, combined with my two year olds tattoo…causes me to wonder…can we still be friends? Then I see the dog following you while you check out the LAGOON and I say, YES! We can!
The end

Now, that was just funny.

Winner #2

Melissa K from A Time for Everything on the post Happenstances and Ponderings:

Dang. I thought I was finally going to win some meaningless points with Dana Carvey, but Miss Molly and Kimberly were on the ball. That’s way ahead of your time, though, girlie. Did your parents let you watch SNL at age 8? Shame on the High-Fivers.

Ha!  She wins simply because she pays attention to me!

Just kidding.

Kind of.

Oh, that comment made me laugh.

Confused about what the High-Fivers means?  Click here.

No.  I did not watch SNL at the age of 8.  They do have this novel idea called “reruns” where one can become familiar with a television show that did not air during their appropriate life span.

I did, however, watch Full House when I was 8.

And no one can deny that in its day, that show was the bomb diggity.

Winner #3

 Melissa on the post Blogroll, Blunders, and Bovine:

i like your title today! it reminds me of bears, beets, battlestar galactica

Ha!

Name that Tv show.

4.  When I was pregnant with Sweet Pea, I received a baby monitor as a shower gift.

And even though my first house 700 square feet and I could hear anyone breathe in the house at any given time, I had that monitor with me constantly.

That monitor stood the test of time and took me through the growing up years of Sweet Pea and Daisy Mae.

By the time the dudes came along, I was feeling a little more secure in my roll as a mother.  And even though the second house was a little larger, I no longer felt the need for a monitor, seeing as how the dudes’ room was about 10 feet away.

But then we moved to Ruralville.

In Ruralville, my dudes and my flower girls sleep far away from me.

So, for the first time in about 5 years, I brought out the monitor.

Unfortunately, my dudes have never seen such an invention.

And, after living in Ruralville for about 17 days, the monitor looks like this:

Let us have a moment of silence for my faithful monitor of which my dudes mistakenly thought to be a walkie-talkie.

*Thank you*

5.  I would like to announce that this, the 2nd day of July, in the year Two Thousand and Ten of our Lord, marks the 12 year anniversary of when The Lumberjack and I started dating.

Holla, Lumberjack!

Holla.

6.  Do you remember back in April when we went to a birthday party at my brother’s house?

Do you remember?

Do you remember?

It was a 2 post special mixed with vomit, urine, and goober parent moments.

The Birthday Party, part 1

The Birthday Party, part 2

In the second post, the following conversation ensued between the adults at the table.

Allow me to copy and paste it, if I may:

“And now, for the Goober Parent Update.

The cast of characters in this update are as follows:

My Mom and Dad.

My brother, Danny.

My sister-in-law, Tonya.

Me.

And The Lumberjack.

This conversation took place at this very birthday party.

We are sitting at the table, eating cake.

Little Dude is completely covered in frosting.

My mom looks at Danny and says:  I bet you are glad you guys are out of the baby stage, huh?

My brother starts choking on his cake.

Tonya turns red.

Mom:  Oh, dear.  Did I say something?

Danny continues to choke.

Mom:  What’s going on?

My mother’s motherly instinct is insane.

It’s like a tractor beam . . . sucks you right in . . .

(Name that movie)

Tonya:  Well, we are thinking of . . .

Mom:  You’re pregnant!

Tonya:  Well, I might be, but not for sure yet.

Danny:  I finally talked her into it.

Tonya:  Yeah . . . I haven’t really wanted anymore.

Danny:  And then Taylor comes over, kids are puking, kids are peeing . . .

Tonya:  And then Taylor keeps making a big deal out of how old I am now . . .

Danny:  Yeah, Taylor!  Geez!  You are going to talk her out of it.

Me:  Oops!

My Dad:  What are you all talking about down there?

My Mom:  They are trying.

My Dad to the Lumberjack:  Trying to do what?

The Lumberjack: (turns beat red)  Um . . . better have them explain.

My Mom:  For a baby.

My Dad:  What do you mean they are trying?

Tonya:  Oh, dear.

My Dad:  I don’t understand this “trying” business.

My Mom:  Grant!

My Dad:  Either you are or you aren’t.

Awkward.

Danny:  Ok, Dad.

My Mom:  Well, that’s exciting!

Me:  Yeah!  You totally aren’t too old to have babies!

Danny:  Taylor, be quiet.

Me:  Hey!  I am going to be 29 soon.  Now, that’s old!

My Dad:  I don’t get this trying business.  I mean, how is this different than 2 years ago?

Everyone else:  Huh?

My Dad:  I don’t understand.

Me:  Mom.  Can you explain this all to Dad on the way home?

Dad:  Does this mean you might have another baby?

Danny and Tonya:  Yes!

Dad:  Oh!  Great!  I still don’t get this trying business though.

Mom:  We’ll talk later.”

***

Guess what!

A baby is on the way!

Woo-Hoo!

Congratulations to Danny, Tonya, Snups, and Big Dude.

I heard that when Big Dude was told he was going to be a big brother, he replied:

“This is the best day of my life.”

Now, is that not uber precious?

But here comes the tricky part.

Someone is going to have to explain to my dad how they no longer have to “try.”

One.

Two.

Three.

Not it!

 

100 (meaningless) points to anyone who can tell me what Meme mean

Jennifer tagged me in this little post so I thought I would participate.

Alright!

Here we go, Lumberjoes!

Interruption:  Raise your hand if you think Little Dude (yellow shirt) looks superimposed in my header picture?

He is not, I assure you.

Silly readers.  You know I cannot edit photos!

8 Things I’m Looking Forward to…

1) The end of swimsuit season.  It’s a real bummer.
2) A possible family trip in the next year.
3) Reading Jane Eyre.  I checked it out and it has been sitting on the counter unopened for days.
4) Reading Gone with the Wind.  Erin said I have to. It is on hold at the local library.
5) The day when Handsome Dude stops leaving his glasses buried in the sandbox of the playground.  That will be a glorious day.
6)Hunting Season
7) Ha!  #6 was a big, fat lie.
8 ) Going on a date with my main man for our actual 10 year anniversary!  Dang.  We are old.

8 Things I did Yesterday…
1) Spent an ungodly amount at Target and pretended to not hear the Lumberjack over the phone when he asked how much I spent.
2) Saw my cousin from Georgia, of whom I have not seen in about 10 years.

Interruption:  There.  Now you all now that Georgia is not where I live.  Clue #1.
3) Put clean bedding on 7 beds that were not mine.
4) Scrubbed an entire house that is no longer mine.
5) Saw a deer on the side of the road and nearly had a heart attack for fear that I would slaughter it with my diesel rig.
6) Saw this kind of a mailbox:

Had to ponder what sort of thoughts go through a person’s head when they look at this mailbox and declare to their friends and loved ones,

“Yes!  This is the mail receptable I shall choose!”

Interruption:  If you like this mailbox, I mean you no harm.  I have a thing against fish.  And their beady little eyes.  And flapping gils.  Gross.
7) Weighed myself in kilograms.  Thrilled to be under 100! 
8 ) Wanted to eat a brownie.  Too tired to actually fetch it for myself.  So I went to bed brownieless.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do…

1) Be a better wife, mommy, friend, and child of God.
2) Snap my fingers and have my whole house interior magically repainted.
3) Sell my stupid vacation rental home for 1 million dollars.

Lest any of you are confused, nothing I own is worth even close to 1 million dollars.

 
4) Go on a vacation to Disneyland with my Lumberjacklings.

It is, in fact, the Happiest Place on Earth.
5) Lose 20 pounds and then hit the pause button, rendering my body incapable of ever gaining another ounce, no matter how many brownies I cram in my mouth.
6) Sew buttons and patch clothing.
7)  Work my BBQ.  It is so darn tricky.  Plus I can’t light the darned thing.

Throwing a flaming match into an open gas flame goes against every safety standard I believe in.

8 )  Get the whole clean in one day and have it stay that way for at least one month.  Maybe two.

8 Shows I Enjoy…
1) The Office
2) The Cosby Show
3) Full House.  Don’t knock it.  It rocks.
4) Big Bang Theory
5) Hmm . . .
6) Well . . .
7) um….
8 ) I don’t know.

I’m tagging anyone who wants to do it!

Over and Out!