The Lumberjack's Wife

I am happy to report that Miss America might be a fit mother after all.  Sam is one week old today, and a more cuter calf he could not be.

She oft brings him to the feeders and water and he jumps and bucks and hops and is precious to my heart.  She keeps an eye on him and allows him to play with the elusive calves, who I believe I named Toby and Evie.  It is all very precious, very pleasant, very happy.

For we know this to be true: Taylor likes the cows.

In fact.  I have gotten a bit into finding new decor.  I like the farmhouse look, and then I was like, “Taylor!  What fun!  You have a farm and a house!”  So, I am going with it and I have discovered boxwood and life is happy.

I have also discovered something called The Arrow Sign.  I did not know such a thing existed.  Mother informed me that I can switch things out with it and it made me feel really excited and I think this is what it means to be almost 40?

I had David hang it for me and then I had to jump for glee.

Me:  David!  It is an ARROW SIGN.  And it is literally a cow pointing to our actual cows!  That’s where the cows are!

David:

Me:  Isn’t if cute?!

David:

Hadley:

Well, I like it.

Hay.  Hay is now on hold due to things I do not understand on other farmers’ ends.

Here is a picture of the hay field I had to drive my Infiniti with a utility trailer through.  I did not mess up once that I know of.

Parenting teens is not for the faint of heart.

A teen, who shall remain nameless, was supposed to be home at 10 and then negotiated to 10:15.  This poor teen’s parents are old and like to go to bed around 9:30 and wake up before 5am.

Teen was still not home after 11.

Mmmm-hmmmmm.

And it is a good thing these teens have ME because David is not capable of parenting after 9:30pm.

So I was trying to stay awake and wait for my wayward teen.  David is completely out.  Totally asleep.  I wake him to tell him something, because he is just as much this teen’s parent as I am.

I woke him once.  And gently.  And was talking in a nice, loving wife voice.  And would you like to know what he said?  In a not nice husband voice?

“If you wake me up again I will go sleep on the couch.”

I felt it was uncalled for.

In true David fashion, he does not remember these events at all.  Probably didn’t even know the teen came home late.  Maybe he didn’t even know the teen was out?  I cannot be certain.

But it did remind me of a lesson I learned early on in our marriage.

The lesson:  Do not ask David to help with ANYTHING after he has fallen asleep.

And here is how I learned that lesson:

When Kate as an infant, she didn’t sleep at night.  Story of all infants lives, right?  Well, we were 21 and 22 and new to this no sleep phenomenon and it was totally rocking my world.  So one night I had finally HAD IT.

Me:  I NEED TO SLEEP.  I need you to help.  I need you to take care of the crying child so I can sleep.

David:  You got it.

See how nice and agreeable he is when he is not insane?  Also, not sure how we were going to accomplish this as I was nursing Kate and we didn’t have bottles.  But again, I was 21.  David was 22, so he probably should have known better.

So the night comes.  And the baby wakes.  And I wake the sleeping David to tell him he is up.

And this was the night I learned that David was insane in the middle of the night.

His whole personality changes.  He sighs a lot and makes dramatic motions with his hands.  He also does weird grunting noises and talks in a very sassy voice.

So.  I could tell he was a bit off, which made me worry, which made me not sleep.  Which was the whole point of this adventure.

I heard noise.  I heard ruckus.  I had to investigate.

I found David lying on the couch, kind of holding a crying baby and humming.  He was definitely more asleep than she was.  I was afraid she would fall to the ground so I tried to take her.

This offended David who informed me that he had this under control.

Then he started to walk around with the crying baby, still humming.  And he ended up on the toilet.

The toilet was closed and he was fully dressed.  But he was humming.

And then he got annoyed at me because the whole point was for me to be asleep and if I was just going to be awake, he should go to bed.  And then I got annoyed at him because I hadn’t slept in like 47 days.

David (sassy): Bring me the superglue.

Me:  What!  Why?

David:  I am going to fix her.

So, I flip out again and he got annoyed again because there is no point in us both being awake.

So I *went to bed.*

After a bit of time, David came back to bed.  I was WIDE AWAKE.  Kate probably was, too.  David was not.

Me:  Where is she?

David:  Who?

Me:  THE BABY

David:  Oh, you know.

Me:  I don’t know.

David:  Yes.  You know.

Now he is all sorts of sassy and shifting all around the bed and pulling blankets all around and sighing.

Also, because we were 21 and 22, we had this plan called:  “Put the baby to sleep wherever she will sleep so we can try to sleep.”  This mean she sometimes slept in the crib, except she never really slept there.  Or the swing.  Or a bassinet.  Or wherever!

Me:  David!  I need to know where my baby is!

David:  She. Is. In. The. Thing.

Me:  What is the thing!?!

David (sassy sighing):  THE VENT

Well, there will be no sleeping for Taylor now and Taylor goes on a hunt to find the baby.

And if memory serves me correctly, she was in the crib.  Asleep.  A feat I was never able to accomplish.

And she didn’t even have superglue on her face.

Anyways.  That’s what happens when you try to involve David in the late hours of the night.

***

I took Kate and HD to the eye doctor today.  We have seen this doctor for about 9 years.  When they were giving HD his eye drops, the assistant made a remark.

Assistant:  I recall we used to have to have several of us hold you down for these appointments.  You sure have grown up!

*ah* Memories.  Also, LD used to shout out the answers to the poor not-so-great-at-seeing siblings and I would have to put my hand over his mouth for the entire appointment.

Let us be thankful and glad that LD is old enough to stay home for these sorts of things now.

I took the poor dilated children to-you guessed it!

Dutch Bros.

As we were waiting for our drinks, the barista gal said: “Oh I love your hair!  I love the way you curled it!”

So, I smiled and looked over at Kate, my cute 17 year old child.

But her hair WASN’T curled.

Barista and Friends started laughing at me.  And they were like, “Oh, who me?!” because I actually did that.  I totally did that.  I said, “Oh, who me?!” and it was pretty funny but it made me happy and then I went a bought another cow decoration.

BECAUSE I CAN.

Oh.  And to clear up confusion from my last post:

If you have a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.

Check out the hook while the DJ revolves it

Is lyrics from an actual song, not some weird secret language Hadley and I speak.

Does anyone know this song?

Hello?

I have a cute, green wire basket on my counter.  Its only purpose is to hold eggs.  My boys will never figure this out.  They bring eggs in and dump them on the couch, on the kitchen table, and on the mantel.

I do not know why it is so hard for them to put them in the basket.  Perhaps I never will.

Hay!

We are still getting hay.

Sometimes, when I am feeling feisty, I sing,

“Hay now, Hay now . . . Don’t DREAM it’s over!”

Because I am the light of my husband’s life.

Luckily, David got the Bobcat up and running, so everything is back in full swing.  David put together a hay party today.  He has his truck and goose neck, Big Tex.  His friend has his truck and goose neck.  And he has Hadley towing my car with the utility trailer.

I offered to, but he chose Hadley over me.  And Hadley’s friend, Lily, got roped into the deal as well.  So the two girls go off to the hay field, get 2 850 pound bales and bring them back.  I am wondering if this is an efficient use of gas?  I cannot be certain.  David and his friend, Luis, can each get 11-13 bales at a time.

LD is with Luis.  HD is at home with me.  His job is to quickly unload the bales off the trailers so the people can get right back in action.

My job is to fuel the people.  Apparently.

Hadley and Lily came and needed grilled cheese and chips.  Then they left, came back again and needed popsicles.  LD would like me to know I don’t understand how starving he is all the time, so I made him a black bean burger and kicked him back into play.  HD is so so so so so so starving and would like 3 eggs and 2 pieces of toast.

I feel like everyone thinks they are better than me.  Which is fine, and they probably are.  Hadley and Lily came back at one point and were rushing around the driveway.

Me:  Problem?

No response.

Me:  Is there a problem?

No response.

Me:  If you have a problem, yo!  I’ll solve it.

Hadley (without missing a beat):  Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.

Hmmmm.  So she WAS listening to me.

And there was no problem.  She was just so so so so starving.

David is wondering if I could please have Luis over for dinner, to thank him for his help, and of course, I am A-OK with that.  And so, I am also preparing a dinner for an unknown amount of people at an unknown time.

And in between feeding people, I was looking at my calves and I recalled that I never named the elusive calves.  In the far left, there is a bull calf.  He belongs to Elusive with a Tag.  In the middle is Covey, who is Seattle’s calf and was named for Covid 19.  On the right is Elusive withOUT a tag’s heifer calf.

The bull calf will eventually become a steer and will eventually become someone’s sustenance.

The heifer calf and Covey will be cows who birth calves.  I need a name for the bull calf and the heifer calf.

I want the bull calf to be named something with a T so I can remember his mother is Elusive with a TAG.  I want the heifer to be named something with an E.

I am thinking Toby and Evie. Thoughts?  Ideas?  Suggestions?

Friends.

David has just called me.  Presumably from the hay field.

I’m up!

I am NEEDED.

Hadley and Lily want to go to town and do teenagerish things.  So now, I must drive my car with the trailer and get the hay bales to be my husband’s helpmeet.

I am now to be trusted.

I will also still need to make dinner for everyone.

I also asked him how much longer and I am pretty sure we will be hauling hay until 9pm.

Later, Gators.

I don’t think Miss America is a very good mother.

There.

I said it.

She is never with her calf.  Yesterday, I went to check on them and found the calf laying in some brush.  She was probably about 150 feet away eating.  She didn’t even care that I walked up to him.  I checked again a few hours later and she was all the way at the house eating and the calf was in the same exact spot.

It is not very odd for the mamas to leave their babies and go and get a drink or a bite to eat.  But they usually employ a babysitter.

Cows are amazing, didn’t you know?  They babysit for each other and everything.

Well, Miss America didn’t even have a designated babysitter for Uncle Sam, who I think I will probably just call Sam.

So, I went and checked on him three times yesterday in all and he was in the same spot each time.  I decided to pet him and he let me and was very chill.  I was worried he wasn’t doing well or eating enough because I thought it was strange that he let me pet him and he wasn’t mooing or anything.  Out of nowhere he stood up, right under my legs, and I almost rode him, except he is so not big enough to ride.  And then he sauntered off.

But here is the photo I snapped of him before he left me:

Look at those eyes!

David is getting many large bales of hay.  I never see the guy anymore.

Me:  Alright.  How many more loads of hay are you needing to get?

David:  I think I am doing pretty good.

Me:  How many do you have left?

David:  Well from the guy who lives a bit farther away, I am buying 180 bales.  I can get 18 on a load.  I have gotten a couple loads.  From the guy who lives closer to us, I am buying 160 and I have gotten a couple loads.

Me:  Dude.  You will be getting hay until Labor Day.

The big bales are mucho large-o.  I think he said they weigh about 850 pounds each.  But these bales are much easier to manage because the farmer just loads them on his trailer with a machine and David or one of the boys can unload off the trailer with the Bobcat.  It takes a lot less muscle.

The small bales take a ton of muscle and are grueling.  Because they must be done without a machine.

Me:  I am making a decision.  No more small bales.  They are too hard on you and the boys.

David:  Nope.  What if the Bobcat breaks down?  I won’t be able to feed them.

Me:  Oh, pish posh.

So, last night, the Bobcat breaks down.  This is not rare and David is becoming very versed on Bobcat repair.  However, this breakdown has seemed to stump him.  In fact, I kind of think it has broken down multiple times over the past few days and he keeps trying to get it running again, only for it to break down again, and so on.

He got home from work a bit earlier than usual yesterday and worked on it, got it working, then left to get a load.  Got back and when they were unloading, it broke down.

Now, please remember, whenever the cows hear the Bobcat, they initiate the Cow Telephone System.  I spoke of that earlier.  So one cow sounds the alarm, and all other cows join in, and all cows come out of the woodwork, including Miss America who leaves Sam with no babysitter.

Because she is an unfit mother.

Then the Bobcat breaks down and yada yada yada, David is working on it and it starts and stops and starts and stops and the cows are basically flipping out.

David still wanted to get more hay, so he and the boys had to push the 850 pound bales off the trailer so he could go and get more.  So he got all the hay for the night and they pushed them off the trailer and Hadley brought him parts from town.  He was hoping to get it running after the parts were installed and feed the cows, who were oh so hungry.  Even though they eat all day.

It didn’t work.  Bobcat is still broke down.

Now, readers, we have a problem.  We need to feed them.  They are hungry and perturbed.  David is at work and the Bobcat is broke down in the driveway.

It is all up to me.

Except I don’t know how to do anything.  So, it is all up to the kids.  Kate was gone for her first day back to work after her surgery.  Hadley and the boys were home, but Hadley was going to leave in the late morning for work.  Hadley is freakishly strong so I knew she must be included.

So, we have many small bales, which weigh 60 pounds or so, but they are in the hay barn and the hay barn is not extremely accessible right now, on account of the 850 pound bales being pushed off a trailer in front of it.  We have a bulldozer, but it is currently at another location.

Here’s a bit of info on our personalities:

Me:  Not strong.  Not clever, but not completely idiotic and definitely showing improvement in that area.  Mostly worried about safety and feel like my role is to shush poor attitudes and name calling, and keep everyone alive.

Hadley:  Extremely strong, but gets easily irritated by HD’s attitude.  And if you worked with HD for any period of time, you would completely understand.

HD:  Second strongest, extremely gifted at running machinery, thinks just like David, is very clever, but knows he knows best and therefore makes everyone else feel inferior.  We are working on kindness.  Also, I tell him for every rude remark he owes me a whole dollar, and that usually nips it in the bud.

LD:  Strong, smart, but could not care less.  Would prefer to jump on hay bales with the puppy.  Like so:

Lest you are confused, he is walking on hay bales that were stacked before the Bobcat broke down.  If you look towards the right of the picture, you can see the hay bales that were pushed off.

So, HD started trying to push a hay bale with the four wheeler.  Hadley and I chucked a couple of small hay bales over the gate so the animals could start snacking.  It took many different tries and lots of muscles from HD, LD, and myself, but we started getting the big bales rolling towards the big gate.  Eventually HD figured out a good system and Hadley and he got the first big bale in:

While HD and Hadley were taking care of that, LD and I started discussing the beer grain situation.

David gets free beer grain and he had about 8 large trash cans full.  These are very heavy.  They were on our feed room porch, which is fairly low to the ground.

Usually, the boys shovel the beer grain into the Bobcat bucket and take the grain out to the bunk feeders.  But, alas.  The Bobcat is broken.

Another way we have done it is to load the trash cans into the four wheeler trailer, and tow it into the pen with the four wheeler and shovel it into the bunk feeder.  But, alas.  The four wheeler trailer is surrounded by heavy things that require the Bobcat to move so we can access it.  And, again.  The Bobcat is broken.

Me:  Why don’t you unhook the goose neck from the truck and back it up to the porch?

LD:  I could do that, but I think the truck is pretty high.  It will be hard to lift the barrels in.

Me:  Right.  Hmmm . . . then we will use the horse trailer.

LD:  Ok, I will get the truck.

Me:  No, just use my car so you don’t have to unhook the truck.

LD:  Seriously?

Me:  Seriously.

LD:  I don’t think it is strong enough.

Me:  It is.

(I do not actually know for sure.)

And yes, I have my middle school boys move vehicles around often.  Don’t you?

So, I go back to “helping” HD with the second big bale and LD goes off to hitch the horse trailer to my car.

In the far right, you can see LD driving my car to the horse trailer.  Also you can see our side door, which is now a lovely Sea Serpentish color.  I am not sure if I mentioned to you all that I found a great color for my house?

Next, Hadley, HD, and I go and join LD.  HD is the most skilled at all the things, so he backed the trailer up to the feed room porch.  We loaded the grain in the horse trailer.

HD and LD were discussing the situation as real men should.

LD:  I am not sure you are going to get this thing up over the hill.

HD:  I know, and it is raining a bit.  We might get stuck in the mud.

LD:  Yeah.  I don’t know.

HD:  Well, we have to try.  I will put her in tow mode and four wheel drive.

(I didn’t really know my car had tow mode.  But he did)

They got the trailer pulled in and filled the first feeder.  My job was to keep cows and horses away from them and take pictures.

HD took the trailer around to the next bunk feeder.

My kids are literal beasts.

Look at HD’s face as he tries to help lift the bottom of the barrel.

So, we did it.  We saved the day.

Next, HD and I decided we would go and check on Sam.  He was in a completely different area, so that is probably good news.  Once again, his mother was nowhere to be found and, once again, she did not hire a babysitter.

You would not believe how soft and precious baby calves are.

HD lifted the tail and we can confirm with 100% certainty that Sam is a boy.

Here is proof that the horses rule the show out there:

We have two bunk feeders.  The horses have claimed the one to the right and the cows all must try and share the one on the left.  When the horses tire of their feeder on the right, they will go and chase the cows away from the feeder on the left.  And the cows let them.  They let the horses be the boss of them.

Happy Thursday!

Today was just plain lovely.  Brunch and pedicures with two of my teacher gal pals.

It looks like we all got the same color, but they were all three different.  It was fun and swell and a nice distraction from all the:

“WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING TO HAPPEN THIS YEAR WITH SCHOOL? ” discussions.

Speaking of school:  What in the world IS going to happen?

Hmmm.

David is still acquiring many large bales of hay.  He is gallivanting all around the countryside paying farmers many dollars and dumping giant bales in the front of our house.

Kate:  Mom.  Why does Dad dump everything in the front of the house?  Does he not understand curb appeal?

Me:  And this is how I know you are my child.

I do not usually join him on his hayventures.  I prefer to sit on the deck and snuggle with Rio.  Like so:

She might be the world’s most precious kitten. Please try to contain your envy.  She is all mine.

Our dog, Tank, is getting old.  He turned 12 in April.  He seems to not be doing so well as of late and we are all concerned about having to say goodbye soon.  Kate is very worried about saying goodbye.  Kate, who has been extra emotional since her surgery, was sure he was dying last night.  She was sobbing and petting him and he wasn’t moving.  So she had me come and check it out and I said he looked ok, and then he started acting more like himself.  He does this funny thing where if you stop petting him, he puts his paw on you.  So, he started doing that, which made Kate feel better, and then she laughed at herself for thinking he was dying.  But it will be hard to let him go.

Here is a picture of Tank and I in April on his 12th birthday:

We love him.  Even if he has terrible gas.

Alright!  Home Improvement Updates:

I did nothing today.  I had brunch and a pedicure.  David does not care one bit about what I do with the painting, I think he mostly likes it if I take care of it and leave him be so he can go on the aforementioned hay gallivanting trips.

I was asked what colors I used on the coop:

Blue:  Sherwin Williams Sea Serpent Blue

Door:  Behr Sage Gray

And the trim is just Behr ultra pure white.

I will now bedazzle you with my front door makeover:

Old Door

Improved Door:

I am Pro Sea Serpent Blue.

And now, for the best news of all.  One might say the only reason why I started writing this post, but I felt I needed to add some more meat to the blog post, so I talked your ear off about nothing.

I went on a walk today.  I now carry a stick because some of these Mama Cows are ridiculous and want me dead.  So I shall whack them on the nose if they try anything foolish.

I called David on my walk.

Me:  David!  What is the best news I could give you right now?

David:  Um . . . . you are no longer stressed about the upcoming school year?

Me:  Oh, no.  Couldn’t be more stressed.  Don’t know what to do.

David:  Um . . . .I don’t know.

Me:  Miss America has a calf!  And I am looking right at it!  And it is alive and black and I will try to get a picture, but Miss America wants to kill me, so I don’t know.

So that was my big reason for writing this here post.

This was the best I could do as far as a photo:

Is that not a terrible picture?  Allow me to help you.

On the right side, there is a large blackish area. That’s Miss America.  You can kind of see one of her ear tags.  Right under neath her and to the left is the baby.

Oh!  Let me try something:

Could we not be more impressed with me?  We could not.

I am 47% sure the calf is a boy.  I have named him Uncle Sam.  Because that’s how clever I am.

Later, Dudes.

On the morning of Kate’s surgery, it came to me.  A little voice.  It said:

Taylor.  Paint the chicken coop Sea Serpent Blue.

And I just could not ignore it.

And then the voice suggested I also paint the door of the coop Sage Gray, which was my most favoritest color at our rental house.  Here’s a picture of that gem of a color:

Anywho.  The boys were supposed to remove all decor off the coop and pressure wash the coop and then I would paint it.

So, I got home, got Kate all set up, and went outside in 103 degree heat to paint.  Because I am foolish.  Here is my before picture:

Ok.  The coop needs TLC in a big bad way.  And weeds are the bane of my existence.

So, I started to paint and realized there were literal chunks of mud on the coop. And the decor was not removed.  So I summoned my boys who had the audacity to lie to me about completing their chores,  and I informed them that they were going to get to bond with their mama and paint in the 103 degree weather at 2 in the afternoon.

Yes.  Sometimes my kids lie to me.

We removed decor and we painted blue.  We could not get one side of the coop because even though a voice told me to paint the chicken coop that morning, the voice forgot to remind me that one whole side of the coop was in a pen holding 22 gigantic pigs.  So we only painted three sides.

On Saturday, I touched up all the white on the three sides and painted the door.

On Sunday, I gave myself the day off from painting and cleaned the house for many hours instead.  And don’t let me ever tell me that I don’t matter around here because man oh man, if I take a few days off of housework, things look mighty dismal around here.

But, I digress.

Today.  Today, I had a plan.  And I needed help from three children.  Kate was excused because she is still recovering from her ordeal of being maybe murdered.

Hadley had to work and only had a bit of time to help me.  First, I started Hadley on touch up painting and the boys were tasked with moving all 22 pigs to a different pen.  This new pen would not have their water tanks, so I was wanting to get this job done quickly so the poor disgusting creatures would not die of thirst.  I despise the pigs, but I mean them no ill-will.

So, here is the coop with one side red and many pigs next to it.

It is hard to see.  But trust me.  Front is blue, side is red.

After the boys moved the pigs, HD was supposed to go and use the Bobcat to unload the trailer full of hay.

The astute reader might remember that I said David was finished getting SMALL bales of hay for the year.  Now, we must get LARGE bales of hay.

LD was in charge of removing the cattle panels that were stretched across the coop so Hadley and I could paint.  And then he had to completely tear apart a wooden feeder David had made that the disgusting pigs broke this weekend.  He had to use all of his muscles and he was very sweaty.

Painting on that side was nasty gross.  Very pig poopy and smelly.  Would not recommend doing that.

Hadley had to ditch me for work, and I finished painting blue and then the white.  The boys repaired the fence and the pigs returned and not one perished of thirst.

We accidentally spilled one of the waters and created a giant mud puddle.  But pigs are fans of mud, so it all worked out swimmingly.

I bought a new light fixture and am waiting for David to install it.  My cute hens and chicks sign was too warped to go back up.  I made that years ago with my sis-in-laws, Lisa and Amy.

The dudes helped me rehang the faux window.

HD was sad to see my chicks and hens signs go.  He wanted to keep the sign with the stenciled on hens.

HD:  Let’s put that above the fake window.

Me:  Maybe.  Or let’s put it on the back of the coop.

HD:  That’s dumb.  No one will see it.

Me:  I will see it when I am returning from my walks to check on the cows and it will make me happy.

HD:  Ok, I will go and get the drill.

He is very accommodating.

He may have been able to hang the new light fixture, but I have a poor understanding of how electricity works and was afeared that he would electrocute himself.

So wait for David it shall.

The chickens do not actually live here anymore.  It is an incredibly long story that involves David tearing down things and rebuilding things and things not being high enough and the chickens made themselves free range.  The weaner pigs have been living there since May, so it was definitely time for a freshen up.

David and the boys plan on rebuilding the fence so the chickens can come back . . . someday.

Chicken Coop.

Check.

You might recall that my 17 year old, Kate, got her wisdom teeth out yesterday.

We got home and she rested and felt much better.  And then, right before bedtime:

Kate:  Mom.  Apparently I sent a video to Hadley when you were in the store.

Me:  Oh, yeah?

Kate:  Yeah.  And I don’t even remember filming it.

Lest you are confused, Hadley is my 16 year old daughter.  She would have been at work at the time.

And now, with permission from the teens themselves, here is Kate’s video, followed by Hadley’s reaction.

I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in my life.  And now, allow me to try and create a script for you, seeing as how Kate is so hard to understand.

For reference, this was right after the gauze fell out of her mouth (which she thought was her tongue) and when she discovered how bloody and scary she looked.

“Hadley, mom can’t know this, so you  be really quiet shh shh shh, but I think that people are going to think -ahhh-I’ve been murdered, cause there is blood all over my hands on my lip and I’m really scary.”

And once again, Hadley’s reaction to her:

Gold.

And I love that she thinks people in the WinCo parking lot are going to think a girl who is filming a video of herself was recently murdered.

Happy Saturday!

Today, I took a break from my new career as a Fixer Upper and took Kate into town to get her wisdom teeth out.

Did you remember that I had teen daughters?  I do.  I have two of them.  They are like faint whispers in the wind.  Sometimes they are home, sometimes they are at work, sometimes they are at the beach, we never really know.

Anyways, I took Kate into town for wisdom teeth removal.  She was very concerned that she would say something embarrassing.  When they told me I could come back, I asked the nurses if she had said funny things.

Nurse:  Oh, no.  We cannot even get her to really wake up.

And that was a very accurate description.  Kate was completely zonked.  They kept trying to get her to wake up, point to me, do anything, and it was all too much for her.  They wheeled her down to the car and we had to actually pick her up and place her in the vehicle.

Nurse:  Now she can’t sleep right now.  Keep her up until you get home!

Me:  Got it!

Well, I totally failed at that job.  I stopped by the pharmacy to drop off her prescriptions and then went to run a couple of errands while they filled them.

I know.  A terrible time to run errands.  But we live by a rule that states we only go to town once a day.  And we abide by that rule.

Kate:  What’s going on?!

(Please understand, she is swollen and her mouth is full of bloody gauze.)

Me:  Well, hello!  Please stay awake.

Kate:  How did I get here?

Me:  A wheelchair to the car.

Kate:  Did I walk?

Me:  No, you were carried.

Kate:  Oh.

Me:  Don’t go to sleep!

Kate:  I wonder why they took my tongue?

Me:  You still have your tongue.

Kate:  Are you sure?

Me:  Yes.  Do you want to snuggle with Ophelia?

Kate:  YES

*Kate falls asleep*

Ophelia is a stuffed elephant that Kate’s boyfriend, Auggie, gave her.  Ophelia is named after this song.

I had to go to Lowe’s.  I had to go to Lowe’s because I was in town, and we only go to town once a day. IT IS A RULE. And I needed another can of Sea Serpent blue because Pinterest is giving me IDEAS, man.

So, I pull up to Lowe’s.

Me:  Kate.  Wake up.

Kate:  Yeah?

Me:  I am going into Lowe’s.  I am leaving the car on with the air conditioning running.

Kate:  How did I get here?

Me:  A wheelchair.

Kate:  Oh.  Do you know why they took my tongue?

Me:  They did not take your tongue.  I am going into Lowe’s.  You need to stay put.  Here is your phone.  You can call me if needed.

Kate starts checking Instagram.  I find this to be a good sign.

Me:  If you have a problem, do you know who you should call?

Kate:  Yes.  Auggie.

Me:  No!  Me!

Kate falls asleep.

I go into Lowe’s.  I do my shopping.  As I am shopping, I get informed by HD that he was trying to paint for me, but ran the bobcat into the porch portico and it is now knocked off a little bit.

Which is what every mother wants to hear when she is 45 minutes away.

Me:  Call Dad.

HD:  Why?  The porch hasn’t fallen down or anything.

Me:  CALL YOUR DAD

Then I get a text from Kate.

Kate:  where r u

This is how teens text.  Also, she has this weird thing where she will not ever capitalize letters.

Me:  I am in Lowe’s.  Please stay there.

Kate:  i can come find you.  we can play hide and seek.

What the what?!

So, I get my SEA SERPENT BLUE and get back to the car.  She is asleep.

But not for long.

Kate:  Have I had surgery yet?

Me:  Yes.

Kate:  Oh.  I wonder why they took my tongue.

Me:  Alright, Sis.  You said earlier there were a few things you wanted from the store.  Do you want me to stop at the store, or do you want me to ask Hadley to bring some stuff home after work?

Kate:  I don’t care.

Me:  Well, are you going to sit still in the car and not get out?

Kate:  Sure.  Can you get ice cream?

Me:  Yes.

Kate (delighted):  Oh!  How did Ophelia get here?

Me:  I handed her to you.

Kate:  But, Mom.  GOOD ice cream.

Me:  Ok.  What kind do you want?

And then she just kind of waved her hands around and went back to sleep.

Excellent.

So, I go and get the necessary groceries and go back to the car.  Kate has decided to spit out the bloody gauze and it is just laying on her shirt.

Kate (calmly):  My tongue just fell out.

Me:  No, that is the gauze.

Kate:  Oh.

Me:  Ok.  We need you to eat and take your meds.  What do you want?  I bought yogurt.

Kate:  Dutch Bros.  Smoothie and coffee.

Me:  Got it.

Kate:  MOM!  They can’t see me.  They know me.  And I look like a vampire.  Look.

And she opens her mouth and it is full of blood.  Very macabre.

Me:  I will do all the talking.  You just hide behind Ophelia.

Kate:  How did I get in the car?

Me:  For the love, Child.

So, we go to Dutch Bros.  And are there Dutch Bros all over the country, or just here in the Pacific Northwest?  Dutch Bros is a hoot.  It is a coffee stand that is having a party.  All employees are on cloud nine and just DELIGHTED that you have come to purchase coffee from them today.  Their customer service is top notch.  Unfortunately, they did not have spoons to offer with the smoothie, and Kate cannot use a straw.

So, I go pick up the prescriptions.  And I had the audacity to ask the pharmacist if they happened to have a plastic spoon, because that seems logical.

They did not.

So, then I had to go to another store and go through the whole song and dance with Kate once more.

Me:   You got in the car by wheelchair.  You have your tongue.  Stay in the car!

And I power walked to the plastic cutlery and made my purchase and went back to the car.

Kate was asleep.

Me:  Ok, time to wake up!  You need to eat.  Would you like your smoothie or some yogurt?

She chose smoothie.

I open the cutlery only to find I had purchased plastic forks.

Me (staying positive and definitely not going back in the store):  This will work just fine!  See?

And I demonstrated to her how one can eat a smoothie with a fork.

She had a few bites and I gave her many pills.  And then we hit the road because I had two boys to get home to and a hopefully still-standing house.

Kate:  I need a break!  I need a break from this smoothie!

Me:  Ok, no worries.

And she fell asleep.

I got home.  The house was still standing.  The boys were annoyed that I bought Kate Dutch Bros and not them and no fair.

The End.

David is going to be surely glad when I go back to work.  Because, when I am teaching, that is all I have the energy for.

Teaching.  That is it.

But right now, I am on *summer break* and have been all inspired since we fixed up that rental.  And instead of being sad that the house I like so much is being sold, I have decided I am going to fix up some stuff around THIS house.

And David is still working, still farming, still sporting a cracked rib, and added a broken finger to the mix.  David is not on Pinterest.  But I am.  I am on there a lot.  And I have many ideas.

Many.

But who has the time to wait around for David?  I ask you?  So I am starting to tackle things around here that I can do on my own.  And for a gal who hates to paint, I am sure painting an awful lot.

I am plum tired of my home’s exterior.  I don’t like it.  I don’t like the colors.  It is vinyl siding and I cannot change it, which makes me sad.  The trim and shutters are like a brownish red, but mostly brown.  The doors were all a medium wood stain.  Everything looks like it needs TLC.  I have been agonizing and pinning and trying to figure out what colors would work and then I just threw caution to the wind and started.  First I started painting all wood trim white.  I am still not certain about it, but I like it better than brown.  Then I found the door of my dreams on Pinterest:

(source)

I mean.  Come on.

The color from that pin is Sherwin Williams Sea Serpent.  We always get our paint at Home Depot, so I did a color converter thing and purchased Behr Starless Night.

And I learned that Behr Starless Night is NOT the same as Sherwin Williams Sea Serpent, unfortunately.  And did you know that Lowe’s has Sherwin Williams paint?  And I got the right paint and I have painted three out of four exterior doors and 8 out of ten shutters.  I am totally rocking it over here.

I have been stressing out over how to paint the top of this porch portico thing we have and I am deathly afraid of using an extension ladder.  I was trying to discuss this with HD, and he came up with his own plan using the Bobcat AND offered to paint it for me.  And then we shoved LD into the mix and I was winning at life:

Brilliant.

In other news, we are down to two weaner pigs.  These two are NOT champions and it is a wonder they are even still alive.  David and the boys went to a livestock auction and LD bought two darling lambs:

Because he could.

David bought 20 butcher pigs:

Because he could.

Last night, David and I were discussing life on the deck.  It was make your own dinner night.  I had a salad.  He brought out a box of ice cream bars and popped a bag of popcorn.

Me:  David, I do not think the two little pigs should live with the big pigs.

David:  They’ll be fine.

Me:  I think the big pigs will eat the little ones.  Or at least trample them, and then eat them.

And, yes.  I truly do think this would happen.  Because giant pigs such as these once ate about 20 of my live hens.

Anyways, David insisted the little pigs get moved in with the big pigs and that was part of the boys’ chores today.  I went to check on the sitch:

Yeah.  Me no likey.

And then I was watching the giant ugly pigs fight over mud and I was sure tiny pig had been trampled.  I ran inside to ask the boys to help me move them out.

Boys:  No.

I know.  I felt it was disrespectful, too.

Me:  Yes.

Boys:  Dad told us to do it this way.  You will have to ask him, he will get mad at us.

So, I call David.  He doesn’t really care where the pigs live, but he has a water supply issue and doesn’t have an extra space for the little pigs at this time.  Which is understandable.  But, please remember, I am the smart one of this operation.  Probably because I fuel my body with salad and not ice cream bars and popcorn.

Just kidding.  I eat ice cream and popcorn, too.  Just AFTER salad.

Me:  Can we let the little pigs live with the lambs?

David agreed and the boys and I moved the baby pigs to live with the baby lambs and everyone is happy.

Except the big pigs.  They were snorting and biting at each other, being all vile and fighting over the mud.  So I, being the kind person to animals that I am, told them to chill out and I could just make them more mud.

Yes, I talk to my animals.  Don’t you?

Oh they were all grunty and happy.  But, please, let the records show:  I despise them.

We believe Mama Kitty is pregnant again.

Me:  For SHAME, Mama.  FOR SHAME.

She doesn’t feel remorseful about her actions.  But I cannot figure out how this happened.  I know of no male cats around and she is literally always asleep on my couch.

Alright.  Enjoy your day.