The Lumberjack's Wife

It is finished.

17 years after we bought it, and it is all done and ready to be listed.  We signed paperwork last night.  I am feeling all boo-hoo-y about the whole situation.  So let us go back in time, shall we?

17 years ago we had baby Kate.  She was about 6 months old.  We sold our first house that we had owned for three years.  Our first house was originally built in 1912, was 800 square feet, and we bought if for 67k.  Ha.  Who buys a house for 67k?  That is how old I am.

For reference:  The Titanic sunk in 1912.

Anyways, we had fixed up that house and made about 8k on it, which pleased us.  We refinished the wood floors in that house and made it all cute.  We lived there with our two golden retrievers, Jack and Mabel.  Jack and Mabel fancied jumping up in the backyard and eating apples off of our apple trees.  We had Kate and decided the house was going to be too small.

Now.  This is way back before digital cameras.  Or at least before we owned one.  So pictures will be hard to come by.

But here is a picture of Jack and Mabel in our first house.  Look at the wood floors!  We sanded those, too!

And here I am with baby Kate in her room at that house:

So, we sold it.  We moved into my parents house, with baby Kate and Jack and Mabel.  We were looking for a new house.  My wish list included items like:  New, finished, and definitely newer than 1912.

I remember being at my mom’s with Kate when David called me.  He was shouting, as we were new to cellular phones and we shouted to make them work better.

David:  Taylor!  I found our house!

Me:  Really?!

David:  Yeah!  Oh, it is a total dump.  But location, location, location!

We offered them about 15k less than their asking price and they accepted instantly.  Which felt concerning.

It was built in 1910 and completely trashed.  It was, however, located in an excellent spot in our town.  We were confident our 8k profit from our first home would fix it up just fine.  Please remember we were 22 and 23 at the time.  And please, please, please understand that this cost us much more than 8k.

We knew not what we were doing.  I truly wish I had pictures of what it looked like when we bought it.  All I could find was these two pictures from when we started tearing things down:

It took us about 11 months to get it “liveable.”  In the meantime, we had baby Hadley.  Also:  Jack and Mabel had to be evicted from my parents’ house because they exhumed the body of my childhood dog from my parents’ backyard, and my parents did not appreciate that.

We moved in and the house was NOT DONE.  There were no baseboards or trim or doorhandles.  The kitchen had not been done at all.  But we could live there and work on it.

In fact, we lived there during the kitchen remodel.  David had to completely gut it, story of his life, so it was down to the dirt in there for awhile.  Unfortunately, walking through the kitchen was the only way to get to the laundry room.  So he put a large plank across that I could walk over to do laundry.

Lucky for me, it was just the girls at that time.  And get this.  If I told them to stay-THEY STAYED.

Me:  Stay in the living room.  Mommy needs to walk the plank.

Girls:  Ok, Mommy!

Those were the days.

David had moved our fridge and oven to the living room during that time, and I did dishes in the bathtub.  I remember feeling particularly over life when I was bathing the girls one night and a pea floated by.

We weren’t planning on re-siding the house.  One night, David asked me how long until dinner.  I said 15 minutes.  Then he went back outside.  Moments later I heard a terribly loud noise.

Me:  What are you doing?!

David:  I am ripping off the siding.

Me:  I thought we were just painting the house?!

David:  Not anymore.

He ripped all the siding off and then we put Tyvek paper across the whole house.  And it stayed that way for over a year.  Just wrapped in Tyvek until we had the money and energy for new siding.

Here is a picture of Kate potty training at that house.

There are placemats across the ledge there because sheet rock was always crumbling off and I was broke.  And isn’t she cute?

Here is that bathroom now:

And the girls helping David with the master bedroom:

Master Bedroom Now:

It took us a long time to do finish the kitchen.  We had grand ideas to tile a backsplash and have under cabinet lighting.  I never got to live there with under cabinet lighting and tile.  I did get to live with wires hanging down ready for under cabinet lighing.

And-Kitchen now:

HD and the laundry room from way back when:

That OSB floor was the floor for about the entire time we were there.

LD in the entrance to the laundry room:

Check out those smoochy lips.

Laundry room now:

And remember those horrific remodel pictures?  Here’s what those rooms look like now:

David building the playhouse:

Playhouse now:

The house was in a great location for a stay at home mom, such as myself.  You could walk to the park and the lake and the library.  Here is an old pic of the dudes from a morning walk.

We moved out in 2010 and we finished all the projects so we could rent it.  We have rented it for the past ten years and just spent the past couple of weeks completing fixing it up.  I am not used to such manual labor. I never want to see another paint brush again for as long as I live.

Everything hurts and I’m dying.

Oh, here is something we did that was fiscally wise.

We paid the kids to paint.  But they mostly just spilled paint on the wood floors.

So then we paid them to remove the paint off the floors.

Money well spent.

And, yes.  I am feeling all glum.  Because I remember feeling so impatient for those seven years we lived there.  I hated living in a remodel and just wanted it to be cute and done.  I would just imagine how cute it would be and power through. And now it is cute and done and I never lived there when it was cute and done.  Poor me.

But at least I have my cows!

One night, in 2004, I was quite pregnant with Hadley.  We were still living at my parents’ house.  My parents watched Kate so I could go and “help” David at the house.  At this time, the entire upstairs was ripped out and he was putting in the floor joists for the second floor.  I feel like I need you to understand that he literally rebuilt that entire house.

It was dark and we heard a very drunk man singing and coming down the road.  He walked all the way up to our porch and looked inside the house.  He saw David sitting up in the joists.

Drunk Man:  Well!  Look at you, Superstar!

It was my most favorite moment.

He continued to admire our work.

Drunk Man:  You guys are, like, taking something old and making it new again.  You are like artists.  YOU ARE CONSTRUCTION ARTISTS.

Whenever David is feeling glum, I remind him that he is, and always will be, a Superstar.

We kind of were Construction Artists.

It was the house that Dave built.

I will miss it.

When I woke up this morning, I had over 99 Facebook notifications.  It would appear as if Auntie Datenut decided to look through every picture of mine over the past 6 years and like and/or comment on them.

Some of the comments were hilarious, as one would expect from Auntie Datenut.  She is like my mom with technology, but worse.  If you can imagine such a thing.

The best part is that she takes pictures out of context and then leaves odd comments.  For example, there is a picture from like six years ago of when I was teaching kindergarten.  My partner teacher and I had done a bunch of fun things for St. Patrick’s Day.  One of the things we did was put green food coloring in the water of the kinder toilet so the kids would think a sneaky leprechaun had pottied in their toilet and did not flush.

Don’t scoff.  This is what primary teachers do.

So, Auntie has not commented or “liked” any of the other pictures of that whole day, but instead commented on one picture with the green water toilet.  There is no photo description, which is totally on me, so it would appear as if I posted a picture of green toilet water for no reason.

Auntie’s comment:

“Thanks for sharing.”

Oh, she was probably scolding me through her computer way far away in Sunny California wondering why her crazy niece is posting toilet pictures.  And I guarantee you, Auntie has no idea that picture is six years old.  She probably thinks I just posted it.  It must be hard to get old.

Let us discuss Terribly Sick Pig.  Terribly Sick Pig was not really having the bottle, so I decided to syringe water and milk into her mouth.  We looked at her private regions.  She was a she.  Anyways, she appeared to love being nourished.  And then I decided to really impress the socks off myself and start feeding her egg and milk mixed together.

Because, protein.

She loved it.

And as I was nourishing her, I decided that I was finally a true farm and ranch wife.  I was like all no-nonsense-y and took over and didn’t even ask David what I should do.  I was imagining people rising and calling me blessed for my superior knowledge of how to care for terribly sick pigs.  I felt like I should be wearing mom jeans, a sweatshirt with a lace doily stitched around the collar, and change my name to Joan.  Because don’t you think if Joan told you to mix raw egg and milk together to cure a terribly sick pig, you would listen?

LD:  Mom, we should name her.

Me:  Yes, we should.  I think she is going to make it.

LD:  I think Petunia is a good name.

Me:  Sounds good.

I kid you not, Petunia died within 7 hours of us naming her.  What in the actual heck?  Joan has no idea what she is talking about.

***

I am spending like 10 hours a day at that dang rental house.  I hate it and I love it.  I hate it because I generally dislike manual labor and I love it because I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT HOUSE.  I don’t want to sell it.  I want to move back there.  Because it is cute and everything I ever wanted and David built it how I wanted it and we even just put in a new front door and it is the cutest door I have ever seen in my whole entire life.

I forget that the boys were super young when we moved and don’t really remember living there.  We moved right before LD turned two and HD was three.  My boys are not meant to live in the city.  I am sure our neighbors love us coming to the house and all the shouting that ensues.  Not angry shouting, per say, just general loud talking because we are used to being loud because no one is around us.  One of LD’s best tricks it to have to “poop” when it is time to work.  Oh, it drives HD nuts.  LD loves it.  I think he just sits on the toilet listening to HD explode and smiles.

HD came to me to request LD stop pooping as he had been pooping for like 20 minutes and it is so way not fair for him to be pooping while HD is working.

So, I shout:

“Ok, Dude.  That is enough poop time.”

Totally forgetting all the windows are open and I am in an actual neighborhood.

Classy.

My boys are so helpful.  Seriously.

Yesterday, HD got a trailer all hooked up to my car so we could go and purchase beauty bark for the beautiful rental house.  I do not tow trailers so this was sure to be an adventure and I guarantee you that HD has more experience towing things than I do.

So, I drove the 40 miles into town and didn’t mess up one bit.  But then we got to town and had to navigate round abouts.  And I am pretty good at round abouts, but our town put in these fancy new two lane round abouts.

Me:  Oh, boy.  A round about.  And it is two lanes!  What sorcery is this?

HD:  Mom.  You are in the wrong lane.

Me:  No, I think I have got it.

HD (Napoleon Dynamite):  Gosh.  Whatever.

Me:  Oops.  Was definitely not in the correct lane.

When we got to the house, I had to get out and have HD back up and park the trailer.  Because that is just too much for me.  The boys had the whole yard beauty-barked in no time.  Guess who didn’t even scoop one shovel of bark?  That’s right. ME.

Since I failed you on how to cure a terribly sick pig, I will tell you how to fix worn wood.  The medicine cabinet in the bathroom was not looking good.  It is a dark wood and the stain was very much worn off.

I had already started working on it before I took the picture, but you can kind of see how bad it was.

I bought some Old English scratch cover for like $5 at The Home Depot and look at it now.

My favorite part is that I could do it all by myself and did not need David and his superior knowledge of all things.  David would have been like, “Well, we need to strip it and sand it and stain it and finish it.”  BUT WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR ALL THE THINGS.  So a $5 fix by Taylor was the way to go.

In a perfect world, David would follow me around that house with his handy toolbelt and help me get all the things done.  But he is usually being an electrician and not my personal handyman.

I best be going.  I need to check on the cows and go work at the rental.

That dang Miss America was supposed to calf around May 10th and she has not.  What is up with that?

Later, Dudes.

Someone is coming to buy thirty pigs today.

THIRTY.

Yes!  We still have weaner pigs, blessed creatures that they are.  Mr. 30PigPurchaser is my new bff and maybe he will be so in love with my blessed creatures, he will buy all of them.

This weekend was devoted to that gosh darn rental house.  I am sore in muscles I did not even know I ever had.  On Saturday, David and the boys and I worked on it.  Yesterday was a whole family work day.

Let us discuss The Family Work Day.

First, we decided the night before we would leave by 8:30am.  But at 7am, David and I decided we would first like to give all pigs a round of antibiotics.  We were spoiled with Meagan and Jess helping us last time, so we foolishly thought this would be quick.  We were so way wrong.  It was just Kate, HD, David, and I, seeing as how we are the only PigVestors at this time.  Kate was willing to help, but half asleep.  She probably needed 8 cups of coffee.  HD was awake, but was in his Napoleon Dynamite Middle School Angst mood.

Gosh.

We got the pigs all taken care of, but we found a terribly sick pig under a pile of other pigs.  The pigs like to pile on top of each other, and when you have a multitude, it can be hard to spot one in distress.  Terribly sick pig was moved into the dog crate in the house, so I can care for it and pretend to know anything about animal husbandry.

Then we loaded everyone up and started for the rental at 9:45am. I noticed the moods of my work crew were less than satisfactory.  So I made David pull into Dutch Bros and bought everyone a coffee drink ON ME with the stipulation that if they continued their terrible attitudes they would owe me money for the drink.

Best $25 I ever spent.

We pulled a ten hour work day.  Everyone worked hard.  No one sneaked up to the roof to hide from their duties.  David is like a fart on a skillet.  Isn’t that the weirdest saying ever?  My mom always says it.  Anyways, a fart on a skillet he was.

Answering calls about work.

Answering calls about pigs.

Needing to run to Home Depot for this and that.

Needing to get gas for the pressure washer.

Needing to leave for two hours to help a farmer friend who got their swather stuck.  As if I know what a swather is.

Needing to set everyone up with their jobs and equipment.

Not me.  I worked the whole ten hours.  Go me.  I get like half as much work as David done, so that’s unfortunate.  But I do try!

David made the dudes electricians for the day and they had to switch out all the outlets and can lights.  In order to not electrocute themselves, the power had to be cut.  This made painting touch ups hard for the girls and I, as it is important to see what you are doing.  But we made the best of it.

Me:  David, my kids better not get electrocuted.

David:  If they do, they will learn their lesson.

What is with this tough guy attitude and my babies?  I ask you?

HD and Kate were both shocked.  And are fine.

Let us discuss painting.

When David and I are painting in the same room, he is like on hyper speed and I am on careful speed.  I get paint ALL OVER MYSELF.  I don’t know why or how, but I do.

I also talk the whole entire time.

Me:  Oh, I love it!  I love the white baseboards!  I love the white trim!  Oh, let’s live here!

Remember, Readers.  We bought this house in 2003 and rebuilt it from 2003-2010.  I got to pick everything out but never actually got to live their when it was finished and beautiful.  Sad, isn’t it?  It like torture to build your dream house and then not live there and then have to live far away with pigs and cows.

David doesn’t talk.  Unless someone calls about pigs.

The kids did great.  We are lucky to have four helpers such as them.  We are logging all of their hours and will pay them when we are finished.  The girls get like me and get silly when tired.  We all had wireless headphones in and were singing away and making merriment.  True, we were all on different songs, but I am sure it wasn’t annoying for the menfolk.  The boys are like David and don’t have time for merriment or even smiles.

There will be no merriment when there is work to be done.

Oh!  Here is something exciting!  We had pizza delivered for dinner!  We have never done that before, seeing as how we don’t live in an area where anyone would deliver anything.  It was exciting.  And delicious.

We left the rental at 8:30pm.  Is it done?

NOPE.

Headed there today in fact.

As we drove home, I remembered Terribly Sick Pig.  I took bets on who thought he/she would be alive.

Everyone voted dead except HD.  HD won!

But that meant I had to do my animal husbandry thing.

I told David I wanted to try a bottle.  So I did.

Please notice the paint all over my shirt and hands.  You should have seen my legs.

We bought a bottle nipple that fits over a water bottle.  I put some milk in it.  I think the pig is near death, honestly.  But I will try!  I got it to drink the milk.

Me:  David!

Poor David.  He just wanted to go to bed.

David:  What?

Me:  Problem.  I now love him or her because I have bonded with him or her and now I will be sad when he or she dies.

David:  Bummer.

It is a bummer.  Terribly Sick Pig is currently alive and I am going to feed it another bottle.

This will only end in heartbreak.

Raise your hand if you think I am going to talk about floors.

Ok!  The floors of the rental are maybe in their final stages.  Full disclosure:  I kind of hated the cherry stain on them the night we stained them.  It looked too dark and too red.  But now, we have entered the FINISHING stage of the floors.  This can be tricky because we have been FINISHING them since Wednesday and they are still not FINISHED.

David keeps telling me we are all done sanding and then he keeps sanding.  It’s like he is addicted to the horror that is sanding.

First, he tells me we are done sanding on Sunday and we will stain on Tuesday.

On Tuesday, he says we must sand for 1-2 hours before we stain.

On Wednesday we FINISHED them.

On Thursday he sanded again and finished.

On Friday he sanded again and finished thrice.  THRICE.

I was present for the final sanding and finishing.  And when I say “final” I mean just the final for Friday.  We are still not finished finishing.  That would be silly.

So.  He sands them all up and there is dust everywhere.  I am trying to be his helpmeet, so I grab a broom.

David:  Don’t sweep.  Just put the finish on.

Me:  I feel very strongly about sealing all of this dust into the floors.

David:  It isn’t dust.  It is powder from the finish.  We need it to fill in the gaps.

Ok.  How does he know this stuff?  He doesn’t read extensively or watch home improvement shows.  He leaves everyday in his work van at 5am and I am under the impression that he is an electrician.  How does he know all of this stuff?

Whatevs.  I just obey.

They are looking good and I am happier with the color.  Which is excellent news, seeing as how there ain’t no way I am starting over.

And then out of nowhere, he says we are redoing the laundry room floor.  Which is fine, but I just didn’t know we were redoing it.  I think he just decides these things on a whim.  Anyways, I had to meet him at Lowe’s to pick out a piece of vinyl.  He shows me the cheapest one.  Me no likey.

Younger Taylor would have probably said the cheaper one was fine.

But I am 39 now.

Me:  Nope.  It has got to be darker than that.  I want that one.

Gasp!  It was like $100 more for that vinyl.  I am so old and sassy.

Me:  When are you putting vinyl in?

David:  I am not doing it.  I am hiring someone to do it.

Gasp!  David?   Hiring something out?  And why didn’t we hire sanding out?

Me:  Why?

David:  I have never laid vinyl and I do not want to mess it up.

Me:  So who is doing it?

David:  One of my apprentices at work.

So, I ponder the situation for awhile.  And then-

Me:  Your apprentice?!  Has he ever laid vinyl?

David:  Nope.

Me:  Why are you paying someone who doesn’t know how to do something to do something you also do not know how to do?

David:  It will be fine.

But I am 39 now.  And I am old and sassy.

Me:  No!  What if he messes it up?!

David:  I can always YouTube it later.

Friends.  He was messing with me.  When will I learn?  He kept that charade up for like 8 hours and finally admitted that the apprentice has many years of experience laying vinyl.

David.  Riling Taylor up since 1998.

I told him to knock it off and stop messing with me.  Because I am 39 now.

***

Did you remember I also have cows?  I am still checking on them daily.  No new calves have been born.  Also, my knee feels much better and I canceled my dr appointment.  Just a little update on that for you.

Anyways.  The other day I went to do a check on the cows.  It is like I am taking attendance.  I go all around and find everyone, text David the report, and go back inside.

The other day, I walked out and not one of them was near the house.  Which is fine.  When I was a bit farther from the house, I heard the boys fire up the bobcat to feed the cows beer grain.  David gets it for free from a local brewery.  It is like a treat for the cows, I guess.  I don’t know.  Anyways, the cows know the sound of the bobcat and they know that sometimes the bobcat brings them beer grain or hay.

I would like to take this time to inform you about the Cow Telephone System.  It is amusing.

The cow nearest the house hears the bobcat and sounds the alarm.

It is like she is the Town Crier.

Usually, Babs is the Town Crier.  But this time it was Seattle.

Seattle does this very loud and urgent moo.  She does it over and over again.  And then throughout the property, the other cows will hear and join in.  It is like that scene in 101 Dalmations when the dogs are getting a message to each other.

The news reaches all bovine and they make their way to the house.  Mooing all the way.

By the time I got back to the house, all the cows were at the house eating the grain.

If I would have started the attendance process at this time, I would have saved myself a half hour.

When the cows are finished with their snack, they tip the bunk feeder over to show us their displeasure.

Happy Saturday!

LD:  Mom, what do you want for your birthday?

Me:  I just want you to LISTEN THE FIRST TIME.  That’s it.

LD:  Hmmm.  I don’t know if I can do that.

He can’t do it.  It is not in his nature.  LD requires you submit a formal request 18 times before he will actually do something.  It is endearing.

The kids went in on this super cute necklace for me:

It is hard to see in the photo, but it has K H C C, which is the first letter of all the kids’ names.

Kate, Hadley and the Dudes.  Gasp!  Now you know the dudes have names that both start with “C.”  Use that knowledge with discretion, please.

My phone somehow got onto Do Not Disturb mode, so I never know if someone is texting or calling.  I keep forgetting to seek help from my teens.  And I keep missing calls.  It is hard to be old.

Speaking of old:  I turned 39 yesterday!

The day was fine and dandy.  I had to take the dudes to the dentist.  Miraculously they still have not had a cavity.  They eat a LOT of sugar and don’t have the best dental hygiene practices.  Their mother should really get a handle on that.

Then we had a big, fat work party at the rental.

We had to do another hour or so of sanding.

David:  We are done sanding.

Me:  Great!

David:  But we still have an hour or two left of sanding.

Me:  Great!

Taylor.  Not knowing what is going on with David since 1998.

Apparently we had to go over the floors with finer sand paper.  I don’t know.  I just obey.  Then we had to sweep and sweep and sweep.  For some reason we have two brooms and zero dust pans at the rental, because we like to keep ourselves on our toes.  We worked it out.  Then it was time to stain the floors.  If I ruled the world,  I would not go with the cherry stain again, like we did in 2004.  BUT.  I had zero desire to sand the staircase and the whole upstairs and refinish those floors too just to change the color.

Cherry lives on!

Here is a pic of David and the fab four staining.  From left to right:

LD, Hadley, HD, David, and Kate.  Look at LD.  He looks like he was busting out of his clothes.  And he was.

Staining goes much more quickly than sanding.  Sanding is horrific.  I do not recommend it.

Poor LD.  He struggles with listening, as you are all aware.  His sisters were being the boss of him and he was feeling over it.

Girls:  YOU ARE NOT USING ENOUGH STAIN!

Girls:  YOU ARE USING TOO MUCH STAIN!

LD:  First you tell me not enough!  Then you tell me too much!

All.  Night.  Long.

It is hard to be the youngest.  But everyone is highly sensitive and does not want this to get messed up.  Let the records show:  NO ONE WANTS TO SAND AGAIN FOR ALL ETERNITY.

As we stained the floors, we worked our way out of the house.  We ended up on the back patio.  I snapped this photo:

We poured the concrete for the patio probably in 2008 or 2009.  From left to right is David’s hand, then mine, Kate’s, and Hadley’s.  The boys were too little to use their hands and so we did their feet.

I made LD put his foot by his baby foot.

In retrospect, I should have probably swept or something so you could see the actual footprint better.

But it was my birthday!  And we were going out to dinner!

I asked David to snap a photo of me and the Fab Four.

LD, Kate, Me, HD, and Hadley.

I got my favorite:  COBB SALAD.  I get it everywhere we go.  Everyone knows to just keep feeding LD.  He ate the rest of Hadley and Kate’s hamburgers, David’s fries, and my salad.  He is always just so so so so so starving.

Happy Wednesday!

David:  Sanding the wood floors is going to take at least 20 hours.  No joke.

Me:  Nah.  We got this.

Me after 1 hour of sanding the floors:  We will be sanding until September.  Woe unto us.

This weekend was crazy busy.

Friday, as you all know, was LD’s birthday and HD and LD’s first day as working men.  They came back almost six hours later and were very sweaty.  They each made $45.  When they walked in the house, they each tossed me a $5 “FOR THE CHURCH, MOM.  THE CHURCH CAN HAVE THE EXTRA.”

Then Sister Meagan and Jess arrived and we had food and merriment.  I made LD his favorite Kit Kat Candy cake that I have made every year for forever.

That is the birthday boy with Sister Meagan.

On Saturday, Kate and Hadley worked.  David, the boys, and I headed to the rental to sand the floors and pressure wash the house.

Sanding the floors was no joke.  Here is a pic after day one with HD in the background.

Oh, it is tedious.  I do not recommend ever sanding wood floors.

Then we met up with everyone on my side of the family for some delightful family photos.  And would you believe it, it rained the entire time?  Fantastic.  Then we went to dinner because it was my mother’s 60th birthday, if you can believe such a thing.

On Sunday, which was Father’s Day, we gave David his presents and then drove to town to meet his Dad and Mom for a delightful breakfast.

And then.  We went to sand floors.  Which is the new bane of my existence.  And it is also apparently the bane of LD’s existence because he kept sneaking up the ladder and sitting on the roof instead of helping.  So guess which child is not getting paid for their labor on Sunday, hmmm?

But then!  Then David said we were done sanding!  We did it!  We are winners!

But apparently, even though he SAID we were finished, we still have two more hours.  I don’t understand why, but that is not surprising.

And then we went to a wedding!

My 18 year old nephew, who was just born yesterday, got married in my parents’ backyard yesterday.  It was a lovely ceremony.  Here is a shot of my fam, Jess, my niece Ana, and my brother and his wife, who are in the background sprinkling rose petals.

LD won’t stop growing.  We don’t know what to do.

After the wedding, we went home and vaccinated ALL THE PIGS.

Did you remember, Dear Readers?  WE HAVE MANY PIGS.

Meagan and Jess came to help.  Jess was very much into it and Meagan was just the pig counter and was horrified the entire time.

She counted 97 pigs.

97 left.

97.

Anyways.

Today, I grabbed the boys and we went to the beach.  They made fun of me for reading because apparently no one reads at the beach.

I snapped a selfie of myself because it was my last day of being 38.

I turn 39 tomorrow.

Yikes.

Happy Monday!

I took HD to get his new glasses frames.  I brought with me HD and the chewed up lenses.  When we walked in, I saw Bob, but he was busy helping someone else.  A gal I have never seen before called me over and said she would help me.  I wanted to wait for Bob, but I didn’t want to be rude, so I obeyed.

For the purposes of this post, we shall call her, “Fran.”

Fran was 100% not impressed with me.

Fran:  Where are his old frames?

Me:  Oh, they were chewed up into like 100 pieces.

Fran:  Ok, but I still need them.

Me:  Oh, I didn’t know.  I threw them away.  I can show you a picture?

Fran:  Well, I need something to return to the manufacturer.  I will need to go and speak to my manager.

Gasp.  Bob has never had to talk to the manager.  In fact, I may have thought Bob WAS the manager.  But, alas.  He is not.

Fran:  My manager said we can help you just this once.  And for future reference, “the puppy chewed them” is not usually covered under warranty.

Me:  Ok, thank you.

Boy, did I feel sheepish.  I wasn’t trying to do anything sneaky.

Fran is trying to be nice to me and HD, bless her heart.

HD:  Can you help me curve the arms around my ears?

Fran:  Ok, but they really are not made to do that.

Gasp.  Bob always offers to curve the arms for HD.

Fran:  Ok.  All set!

Me:  Oh.  There is supposed to be a strap across the back?

Fran:  We assumed you would have that.

Me:  No.  The puppy ate that, too.

So, I am happily paying $15 for a strap.  And I got to wave hello to Bob.  And through all of our FaceMasks, I hope he saw the look on my face that meant to relay:

“Dear Bob.  You were missed today.  Thank you for spoiling us these 13 years.  We will wait for you next time.”

Let the records show:  I do not feel Fran was rude.  I just feel like we have been spoiled these many years with Bob.

***

HD left his glasses on the ground again last night.

Me:  YOU MUST STOP LEAVING THE GLASSES FOR THE PUPPY TO CHEW!

I am sure this will all end well.

***

Today.

Today is Little Dude’s 12th birthday.  When I woke up this morning, I could tell the kitchen looked a bit different from when I left it.  It was clean!  Just different.

Me:  Dude.  Did you bake cookies last night?

LD:  Why, yes I did.

Me:  When?!

LD:  Around midnight last night.  To celebrate my birthday.

What am I going to do with this kid and his culinary passions after 10pm?  I ask you?

Last night, the neighbor asked the boys if they would like to come and work for him.  They were on cloud nine.  LD doesn’t even care that he is working on his birthday.

I was reading on the deck last night and HD came outside.

HD:  Mom, I have been waiting my whole entire life to say this.  I better go to bed now.  I gotta get up for work in the morning.

He was very excited.

HD:  Mom, I think I might need a big breakfast before I go.  What do you think?

Me:  Yeah, probably.

HD:  I wonder what I should have?

Me:  Would you like me to make you toast and eggs?

HD:  I was hoping you would say that.  You make the best toast.

And now, readers,  I will tell you how to make THE BEST TOAST.

1.  Get bread.
2. Put it in the toaster.
3. Toast it.
4. Spread butter on it.
5. Sprinkle with cinnamon sugar.

And now, readers, I will tell you how to make THE BEST EGGS.

1.  Use farm fresh eggs with multi colored shells.
2. Scramble them.

My boys know when the eggs are store bought and turn their noses up at them.

Before their first day of work, I had to have a Come to Jesus meeting with them.

I informed them about tithing.

LD:  What if he pays us with a cow?

Me:  What?!  He is not going to give you a cow for four hours of yard work.

LD:  But what if he does?  How would I tithe that?

For the love.

Me:  Determine the value of the cow.  If it was worth $500, you would give the church $50.

LD:  Ok, got it, Mom!

Then I made the shake hands and promise not to fight with each other the entire time they were there and no saying the words “stupid” and “idiot” and save all their issues to work out with me when they got home.

Let us hope they listened.

Me:  Ok, boys!  Time for your first day of work and LD’s Happy Birthday Picture!

Boys:  Seriously?

Me:  Yup!

They were so excited they left 40 minutes early.  For a 3 minute bike ride.

I told them to pack a lunch.  They packed water, gatorade, string cheese, pretzels and many of LDs homemade chocolate chip cookies.

***

Last night, Kate wanted me to try on her jeans.  I tried to explain to her that there was no way on this here Earth that I would fit into her jeans.

Kate:  Please, Mom.  JUST TRY.

So, I did.  And they fit!

Me:  Oh, wow.

Kate:  I knew they would.  Because when I stand up they practically fall off of me.

Let the records show:  They were a mite snug.

***

The Rental.

We have basically sold all we can and have started sanding the floors.  Actually, David has started sanding the floors.  I will help with that this weekend.  I need to be retrained.  It has been a good 16 years since I have done anything like that.

But I am contributing in my own way.

When we got to the house, the bathtub and kitchen sink were awful.  Stains and disgustingness.  We both agreed we would probably have to replace them.

But I cleaned the tub with a magic eraser and it looks good as new.

The sink was a different story.

I tried so many things.  I googled many tricks.  I couldn’t get it clean.  David said we would have to buy a new one.

But then I thought of . . . wait for it . . . a pumice stone.

So now, I can feel as though I am a contributing partner in this marriage.

David can refinish the floors and I can save sink.

We are all heroes.

Happy Friday!

I have sad news.

Jason is taking his family and moving far, far away from me.

Remember Jason?

Jason and Amy are taking their precious children and leaving me.

Huge bummer.  We will all miss them.

We hosted a big family dinner last weekend.  Here is a picture of the whole Maliblahblah side of the family.

Let’s talk about hosing big dinners, shall we?

I am old now and a seasoned pro, so these sorts of things no longer phase me.  I had planned to make chicken stir fry, a Maliblahblah family favorite.  David was to grill the chicken.  When prepping the chicken, I panicked and decided I needed more chicken.  So I marinated LOTS and LOTS of chicken.

That will be important later.

When there were like 20 people over, it was time to cook the meal.  As people do when they are hosting dinner.

David regrettably informs me that he cannot grill the chicken, as we are out of propane.

He had one job, people.  ONE JOB.  But I digress.

We decide to shift gears and cook the chicken in the house.  David starts cutting it up and I start cooking it.  People are everywhere, talking and chatting, and have no idea the stress that has befallen me.

I ran out of room.  There was TOO MUCH CHICKEN.  I was swimming in raw chicken.  Chicken was everywhere.  I cannot emphasize this enough to you.  It was a lot of chicken.

We cooked it.  It tasted fine.  People ate it.  No problem.

Another thing one must do when inviting many peoples over is ensure they have enough plates.  This I did not do.  David was pulling out pie pans and such.  It was awesome.  I am sure the people were impressed.  Normally, we would just pull paper plates from our trailer and extra propane from the trailer.  But this is the first year we have our new river property and our trailer is located there.  Live and learn.

***

Calf Update.

No calves have died!  This is good for us this year.  Keeping them alive has been a challenge.

Here is Elusive with a Tag and her cute bull calf.

Here is Elusive withOUT a tag, and her cute reddish brown heifer calf.

Yesterday I was checking on them and Elusive with a Tag totally charged me.  I had to run for my life on my not-so-great knee.  It was no good.  Why does she hate me so?  I mean her no ill-will.

***

You might recall that the puppy ate HD’s glasses for a second time.  And you might recall that I had to call Bob, my glasses BFF, and order new frames.

Bob:  Ok, do you need new lenses.

Me:  No, the puppy did not chew on the lenses.

Bob:  Ok, we will get some new frames ordered soon.

David was able to tape the chewed up glasses together so HD could get by until the new frames came in.  The new frames seem to be taking awhile.  I heard they come from Canada, so that’s fancy.

I am going to have to teach HD about the meaning of the word “insanity.”  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Yesterday morning:

HD:  Well, Mom.  That stupid dog ate my glasses again.

Those would be the taped up frames.  And now, no tape can fix them.

Me:  WHY DO YOU LEAVE THEM ON THE FLOOR WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP?

HD:  It’s Hadley’s fault.   She should train her puppy better.

Me:  YOU KNOW THE PUPPY WILL CHEW ON THEM.  STOP LEAVING THEM OUT.

I didn’t have the nerve to call Bob.  I am too ashamed.  I cannot tell him the puppy has eaten the glasses for a third time.  What kind of a mother will he think I am?  But now there is no hiding the chew marks on the lenses.  Well, I don’t care.  HD is going to the doctor in August and will probably get a new prescription.  He can have chewed lenses until August.  I wash my hands of it.

HD really likes his glasses.  He has terrible eyesight without it.  I am sure he gets headaches and his mood greatly tanks whenever he is without them.

HD:  Well.  Guess I can’t help Jason and Amy load the moving truck today.

Me:  Yes, you still are.

HD:  Fine.  But I will probably load their boxes into the wrong moving truck BECAUSE I CANNOT SEE.

Me:  Well.  Let us hope that the neighbors aren’t also loading a moving truck today.

Later that night, he was trying to watch TV and was holding the chewed lenses in front of his eyes like a little magnifying glass.  He begged David for help.

David grabbed some copper wire from his handy electrical supplies area and made these make-shift spectacles for him.

Impressive, no?

I am really looking forward to explaining this to Bob.

Later, Dudes.