The Lumberjack's Wife

Would you like to know the best part of being a substitute teacher?

There are some days when you are not needed.  It is like a pleasant surprise.  Like, “Surprise!  We will take your kids AND you can have FREE time!”

Well, thank you, school.

Last Monday, I went to the M-A-L-L.

All.

By.

My.

Self.

It was incredible.  So incredible, in fact, that last Wednesday when they did not need me, I went to a different mall.  Two malls in one week!?  Get out of town!  That’s more mall action than I have seen in the past year.

I was not needed today as well, but spent the day scrubbing the bathrooms.  Not everyday can be full of glamor and glitz and mall-frolicking.

So, I was scrubbing the toilets, and enjoying every minute of it.  We have an iron problem.  And, as a result of this, I have an orange-y ring in my toilet.

Yes.  I am now one of those people.

I can get the iron stains out of the bowl where the water sits, but above the water line sits a nasty orange ring.  It is totally bugging me.

I had a brilliant idea.  I decided to add more water to the toilet so I could add my special Iron Out stuff to it and soak the line.

Are you following this?  Don’t you care about my toilet ring?  Please stay with me.

I was afraid I would do something devastating to the toilet by adding extra water.

Is it possible to add too much water?  Will I break it?  Toilets can certainly accommodate other *ahem* liquids being added to them . . . certainly more water would be ok, right?

I decided to call my husband at work to ask him if my plan would work.  Because David loves it when Teller calls him at work with toilet questions.

I learned something new today from my husband, folks.  And I want to know how many of you already knew this fun tidibit.

You can’t add water to a toilet.  It will just drain down.  The toilet will not let you do it.

I did not believe him, so I did it anyways.  He was right.  Like a fool, I kept pouring water into the toilet.  And the toilet kept foiling my plans.

So.  That was my day.  I am now waging a war against my toilet bowl ring.  And I am losing.

Taylor’s blog.  Where you come to read about toilets.

***

Carl the Elf has been entertaining the children.  I pick the laziest easiest options I can think of and BAM! Mom of the Year.

Here he is toilet papering our tree

Look at the right side of the tree.  Do you see the one picture ornament?  I used to have about 12 and I only found one of Little Dude.  So he is the only one with a picture on the tree.  Because I treat my children fairly and equally and no one will have issues later in life.

Carl also had fun with a box of Rice Krispies.

And he colored.

He’s a busy guy.

David was the first one in the family to play Elf on the Shelf.  And I have photographic proof.

Here are some pictures of his work from 2011.

Peach walls!  *shudder*

Safety first!

Happy Wednesday!

PS-I want to know who already knew that toilets flush extra water down.

Be honest.

The astute reader might recall that once upon a time we had anywhere from 30-120 rabbits.  Because, have you heard?

We are completely  normal.

Anyways.  David F-I-N-A-L-L-Y decided we would be done with rabbits.  This was mostly due to the fact that what his heart really desires is pigs and he did not feel like building yet another fence.  So, he decided we would be done with the rabbits and move on to pigs.

Rabbits are burrowers, my friends.  And this makes them nearly impossible to catch.  We thought we had gotten them all, but alas, we did not.

So, we now have rabbits and pigs living together in harmony.

To be honest, I am fairly surprised the pigs have not eaten their rabbit companions yet.  Have you met pigs?  They are not caring souls.

Can you see the rabbit in the picture?  Allow me to help you.

See?  Rabbit.

Look at Taylor with her big-girl-photo-editing-pants on!

Anyways.  I think there are about 8 rabbits still out there.

Oh, well.  What can you do?

***

So, we have this car.  It’s an Envoy.  We bought it in September-ish.  And it is great and all, but you can’t lock it.

Why?  I don’t know.  But if you do, none of the four keys we received with said car will open it.

Annoying.

We already spent $100 to have a locksmith come and open it once.  David paid someone to make some new key that was apparently supposed to solve all of our problems.

And it did not work.

So, we have been happily living our lives not locking our doors.  We like to live on the edge.

But last night, a child, who shall remain nameless, locked the doors.

Just locked them.

It was about 2, maybe 3 degrees today, but my handsome husband went out there and worked on it for about an hour.

As you can probably tell, I am standing in the warm and cozy house taking a picture.  This is why you get married, girls.  This is why.

Anywho.  He did it!  And we will just not ask him how he knows how to break into cars.  These things are better left as mysteries.

***

Don’t judge me, but I am totally doing this now:

Elf on the Shelf.  I don’t really understand what it is all about, but we are just excited to see what adventures or mischief our elf, who we named Carl, of course, got into each night.

He highlighted Luke 2:11 last night.

Raise your hand if you think I will fail miserably and forget to do this everyday.

Mmm-hmmm.

The kids were ecstatic.

Tonight he is going to toilet paper our Christmas tree.  And after that I am out of ideas.

Wish me luck!

I am a terrible blogger now.  I am going to be a good girl and blog tonight, even though I don’t have much to say.

Put on your party pants!

Handsome Dude has been hard to understand, per usual.  You may recall the “made me sausage” phrase of yesteryear.  Which was basically just what he said whenever he didn’t want to eat something . . . that it made him sausage.

You may ask, “Taylor!  What is the point of this ‘sausage’ story?!”

There is a point.

Handsome Dude still isn’t making any sense.  His teacher at school is pregnant.  She is in her first trimester.

And now, without further ado, I present to you:  An After School Convo.

(Fun fact!  Handsome Dude is now missing, like, all of the essential front teeth for making clear sounds.  Making him communicate all the more clearly.)

Me:  How was school, bud?

HD:  Not good.  We had to be quiet at the end of the day.  My teacher was nervous.

Me:  Nervous?

HD:  Yeah.  The baby makes her nervous.  We just had be quiet.

Me:  What?  Why was she nervous?

HD:  I don’t know.  I fink she just was.

(Fink=think.  Please.  Try to keep up.)

After careful deliberation, I believe his teacher was NAUSEOUS.

What say you?

We had some sad news tonight.  David, my ever brilliant and tactful husband, just randomly announced that he found two of our cute baby kittens dead today.

Yup.

Dead.

David.  The bearer of joyful information at the dinner table.

Apparently they fell in between some hay and were trapped.  It makes us sad, but have you read this blog?

Our property is where animals go to die.  So it was bound to happen.

Handsome Dude got extremely upset and ran downstairs.  David tried to talk to him, but he would only speak to me.  His mother.

Moms for the win!

HD:  Mom.  *sob* I fink *sob* we need to sell all the cats on our property.  I don’t want them anymore.

Me:  Buddy, you love the cats.  You don’t want to sell them.

HD:  Yes, I do.  *sob*  First Peter dies (Peter was our cat.  He died.  Obviously.), and now the two baby kitties.  That’s FREE (three.  keep up.  he has no teeth, people) dead cats.

Me:  I know.

HD:  Since there are free (three) dead cats, I am going to hate all cats for free (three) days.

Me:  You are not making any sense.

HD:  I will hate cats for three days.

Me:  Ok.

That boy.  Keeps us on our toes.

David decided to cut his own hair the other day.  Why?  Because he is stubborn and chose to do so.  But anyways, I noticed he gave himself a tail.

I was uncertain was to whether or not he wanted a tail.  I mean, you never know.  So, I mention it.  I even take this picture with my phone to prove it to him.

He doesn’t believe me.  He keeps the tail.  Because he is a slave to the current fashion trends.

So I gave up and let him have his tail.

At Thanksgiving, his brother notices his tail and brotherly mockery ensued.  The next morning, David re-cut his hair.  Apparently, Alex has way more power in my marriage than I do.

So, there’s that.

Oh!  We put up our tree!

My mom gave us one of her artificial trees this year.  I never though I would have a fake tree, but we just have a hard time actually getting a live tree.

You all remember the ill-fated Christmas Tree Hunt of 2011, yes?

The best part was my girls set the entire thing up (not decorated, just assembled the tree) while I finished painting.

And would you like to know what I was painting, good reader?

THE LAST PEACH ROOM!  HOLLA!

My house is now 100% rid of peach.

Seriously.  Glorious news.

Aren’t my girls helpful?  When I was all done painting, we decorated the tree.  It turned out pretty nicely.

I also made my own Christmas signs this year, inspired by some ideas on Pinterest of course.  They aren’t stellar by any means, but I think they are cute.  I just did them free hand.

I used chalkboard markers.  They were easy to write with and I can just wash the phrase off and change the signs after Christmas.

Brilliant!

We went to our town’s annual Christmas lighting ceremony a few days ago.  We were all able to look somewhat decent for a photo.

It isn’t Christmas card worthy, but it is cute nonetheless.

That reminds me.  I still need to figure out a Christmas card photo.

Oh, joy!

The girls and I volunteered today at an event my mom was organizing.

Daisy Mae and I, collecting the money like pros.

Sweet Pea, setting up the cookie decorating station.

Alright.  I have just been informed that Daisy Mae is throwing up.

Taylor out!

David’s hands.

They are rotting.  They do this every winter.  Did you know that hands can smell like rotting flesh?  Do you even know what rotting flesh smells like?

I do.  And it smells like David’s “winter hands.”

Sure.  He could be proactive in this situation and put products such as, but not limited to, lotion on his hands.  He has been an electrician for about 11 years.  He is aware of what will happen to his hands when he works outdoors during the winter.

But, alas.  Lotion is too “girly.”

And nothing smells manlier than the rotting flesh smell that is oozing from his cracked, weathered hands.

When the hands get really rank, I, the dutiful wife that I am, coat his hands of death with Vaseline and then stretch some of my mittens over the top of his hands.  He then sleeps with his greasy mitten hands.

And we all know that Vaseline/mitten hands is a way more manlier way to go then putting lotion on everyday.  Obviously.

***

Pigs!

We have them.  Ten of them, to be exact.  Because, have you met my husband?  He can’t do anything on a small scale.

Yesterday, David picked up the ten pigs.  They had to be picked up on Saturday because he was getting, and I quote, a “smokin’ deal.”  So the pigs traveled around town in the horse trailer and even got to go to the auto parts store, Wendy’s, and the basketball game.  As all pigs dream to do.

So, yay!  Pigs!

But, here’s the thing:  we aren’t exactly ready for pigs.  Sort of like we weren’t ready for chickens.

And so, the pigs are still sitting in the horse trailer in the driveway.  And David, who is miserably sick with a cold, is trying to get their living quarters ready.

I call it, “Pig-topia.”  Because, have you met me?

I am my husband’s complete opposite and was never meant to live this sort of life.

First, David put in posts for the pig shelter.

Do you see them back there?  There are 6 of them.  The astute reader might notice the rabbit houses and rabbit waterers in the photo.

Have you heard!?  We are doing away with the rabbits and remaking the rabbit pen into Pig-topia.

We had to add a thicker gauge of wire around the perimeter of the fence and we also had to hot wire the fence.

This was my idea.  Teller does not want to be chasing pigs again this winter.

And, also?  Teller is at the school subbing everyday now.  And Teller does not want to get a call from a neighbor regarding her pigs running amok.

And David calls Taylor, “Teller” sometimes.  Because he finds himself to be hilarious. Just an FYI.

David and Sweet Pea, fencing it up.

Handsome Dude, hammering it up.  Even though nothing needed to be hammered.

Now.  My husband, although odd with his rotting flesh hands and insatiable need to crowd my property with animals, is a rockstar.

He knows how to do everything.

Seriously.  Everything.

I think he is amazing.  Smelly hands and all.

Check out the above new pig feeding system he built.

I don’t even know how it works yet!

Yet, amazed am I.

I was helping my sickly husband well into the night.  I don’t even really help, but for some reason, I think it means a lot to him to know someone is out there with him.  So, I fetch screws for him.  And then he kindly tells me I brought him the wrong screws.  And off I go to try again.  Bless my heart.

I am a terrible builder-helper-person.  But he is not cranky with me.

I was dismissed into the house early so I could finish up laundry and start dinner.

And he is still out there.  Determined to finish it.

Happy Sunday!

A Tuesday Night List.

1)  David has not shaved in, like, forever.  I am thinking September-ish.  He feels that he should not have to shave until he has killed the buck of his dreams.  I feel he has lost his mind.

He’s looking pretty creepy, folks.  But, alas.  I have no photo to prove this.

He would not permit me to take his photo for the purpose of mocking his beard.

Imagine that.

2)  David is selling off all of our rabbits (darn) and remaking the rabbit yard into a pigpen (darn).

I will leave it to you, the astute reader, to determine which “darn” in the above sentence is meant to be sarcastic.

Would you like to know his plan for Saturday?  He is going to haul the horse trailer into town, purchase TEN pigs, load them into the trailer, and then go to our girls’ basketball game.

So, yes.  We will be the family at the ball game with TEN pigs waiting in the parking lot.

Completely normal.

3)  We came home from school the other day (cause that’s what we do now!  we OUTSOURCE school!) and found one of our new baby kittens just roaming free.

It was exciting for us.  We are lame like that.

4)  We also came home to a turkey invasion.

(our trampoline is having issues)

(there are turkeys behind the bulldozer)

(turkeys behind horses)

And, no.  We didn’t shoot any.  And, yes.  We know it is almost Thanksgiving.

5)  Horse update!  We gave Heffie (the solid brown horse, not pictured above) to our neighbor.  She had to put her horse down and was feeling a bit blue.  Our other two horses were biting and bullying Heffie, so we thought it would be best to give her a new home.

Heffie now lives down the road with her new friend, Shadow.  We stop and see her everyday when we come home from school.  She seems happier.

6)  Last week, we had snow!  It has since melted, but Handsome Dude and Daisy Mae made a snowman before it all disappeared.

Sorry the picture is blurry.  Daisy Mae was the photographer.  So we can blame her.

7)  Last Saturday night was date night!  Two kids went to David’s parents house overnight and two kids went to my parents’ house overnight.

It was all very exciting.  Until . . .

We arrived back home around 9:45pm from going out when we got a call from David’s mom.  Sweet Pea, for reasons yet to be determined, had broken out in hives.  They were covering her body and she was telling Grandma it hurt to swallow.

So, we all met at the Emergency Room around 11:30 pm and didn’t leave until about 1:30am.

She is fine and we have no idea what caused the hives.  Which is unsettling.

But she is fine and all is well.

Alright.  I am pooped.

Remember?  I work now.

Ha.

Happy Tuesday!

I am sorry for the lack of blog posts, but, as I inform David daily:

“I work now.”

Ha!  Poor guy.  All those years of me begging, nay pleading, with him to stay up late with me when he was tired from work . . .   And, since I have been subbing nearly every day, I am tired and ready for bed before he is.

Life is better.  The kids are still in school and doing well.  I feel better about the whole situation, although I sometimes still can’t believe I went through with it all.

It was like “Homeschool Moms Gone Wild:  Put them in school edition.”

Surprisingly enough, I am NOT subbing today.  I did not get the 5:50 am call this morning and I am enjoying my day home alone.  I have been catching up on laundry and house cleaning.  I paid the bills (which is always a total downer) and fed the horses, rabbits, kittens, dog, and chickens.  I make my wannabe farm and ranch husband proud.

I thought I would share with y’all the kids’ school photos:

Sweet Pea, 5th grade

Sweet Pea is doing very well in school.  I am proud of her because she has been sticking up for a girl at school who gets teased very badly.  The staff have told me that she is a very positive influence in her class.  Sweet Pea would prefer to homeschool, but she is being a trooper throughout this ordeal and doing her very best.

Daisy Mae, 4th grade

Daisy Mae is loving school.  She fits in nicely with her 4th grade class, which is a fun group of kids.  I was able to tag along with the 4th grade during a field trip.  We had a blast and it was fun to see her enjoying her classmates and the time they had.

Handsome Dude, 1st Grade

Switching to public school has been a very good change for this little man.  He takes pride in his schoolwork now and is winning the class reading competition (reading minutes earned).  He comes home from school everyday and gets to work on his homework without me having to remind him.  He is proving to be much more responsible at home and is excited to read and write.

This was not the Handsome Dude I homeschooled.

Trust me.

Little Dude, Kindergarten

Little Dude’s favorite parts of school are recess and lunch.  So you can see where his priorities are.  He is academically done with Kindergarten, but I don’t want to move him up. (He did Kindergarten last year with his brother) A team of teachers at his school are working on a plan for him so he does not get bored.

He is not bored, yet, however.  He is excited to go everyday.  He never remembers what they learned at school, but he does like to inform me of what color of pants his very stylish teacher wears everyday.

His future is bright.

***

Halloween!

Here is the obligatory kids in costume photo for you to all enjoy.

Sweet Pea-Native American.  She was a cowgirl/western girl for school and decided to change it up for the evening.

Daisy Mae-Cowgirl/western girl

Little Dude- Monkey

Handsome Dude- Cowboy

I am a grinch for Halloween.  I hate coming up with costumes.  We opened the dress up bin and I told the kids to “have at it.”

Mom.

Of.

The.

Year.

Friends of ours surprised us with the Native American costume, so Sweet Pea was excited to try that.

So.  We spent $1 on the vest for Handsome Dude’s cowboy getup.  We got it at the Dollar Store, hence the price.  And this may shock you, but the vest is not as durable as you might think and has already ripped.

So, there you have it.  An update on all things Maliblahblah.

Happy Weekend!

We started homeschooling this year the day after Labor Day.

I was one busy lady trying to manage the education of each of my children.  I don’t know why, but this year seemed so much harder than any other year.

Homeschooling was starting to become a burden to me.  And that burden seemed to be more than I could bear.

I felt trapped.  And I hated that I felt that way.

I prayed about it.  I tried to change my attitude about it.

But I was miserable.  And that burden just did not go away.

Now.  I know life isn’t all about me, and I truly want to do what is best for my children.  David and I did a lot of talking and a lot of praying and we decided to look into enrolling our kids into school.  Because of where we live, our options are limited.  I could drive 45 minutes one way to a pretty good school district.  But this option seemed less than ideal.  I did not want to be forced to drive that far daily, even if the roads were bad.  Besides, that school district couldn’t accommodate all of my kids at the same school.  Private school is financially out of the question (as well as 45 minutes away), unless I were to get hired as a teacher at one.  So we looked at the school in our district.  This school district is not as good as the 45 minute away one.

However.  I met with the principal, who is newer, and he was very honest with me.  He showed me all the ups and downs of the school, as well as the steps they have taken to improve the school.  Next, the principal invited the kids to spend the day there before we committed.  The kids all enjoyed themselves and the staff was very friendly and welcoming.

And, on October 7th, all my kids started attending there.  I was still in a state of panic/denial, but I did have the presence of mind to remember to capture their “first” day of school photos.

Sweet Pea, 5th grade

Daisy Mae, 4th grade

Handsome Dude, 1st grade

Little Dude, Kindergarten

I dropped them off.  And I went home.

And THAT, my dear friends, was the absolute worst day of my entire life.  I know that sounds dramatic, and I am sorry it does, but it was truly awful.

Crying.

Hyperventilating.

Wondering why on earth I did this.

And more crying.

Oh!  And while I was home alone, for the first time, in like, forever, the horses decided to break through their fence and flit about the neighborhood.  So that was fun.  Calling my neighbor to come help me and having to explain why I was crying.

Because, seriously.  I was crying.  All day.

A lot of my identity had become wrapped up in homeschooling.  I had too high of expectations of myself, and of my children, and I was making myself (and probably my children) miserable.

I was always worried that I wasn’t doing a good job at homeschooling.  Turns out I did just fine!  All of my children are performing in the top percentile of their classes and Little Dude has blown everyone out of the water with his stellar knowledge of math and reading.  I was worried about him not really learning anything this year, but his teacher caught on right away and has scheduled a meeting with a special curriculum assessment team at the school to determine how to best challenge him.

My kids are doing great at school and have done well with the adjustment.  Sweet Pea has had a bit of a hard time with this new thing called, “Girl Drama.”  Both girls have been asked out “hundreds” of times by boys.

BOYS!  REAL BOYS!  Asking MY girls out.  The nerve.

Sweet Pea made the comment,

“Mom.  It is really dumb.  Like where are we going to go? We can’t drive.  We don’t have anywhere to go.”

Ha.  She also told one persistent boy that she would not go out with him because if she did, she might not have as much time to spend with her animals, and she likes her animals more than boys.

One of the hardest parts for me was letting go of the control over the education.  I know EVERYTHING that they know.  I know what they don’t know.  I know what they need to learn.  I know where their strengths are and where their weaknesses are.

And I have just placed (some of) that control in the hands of four other people.

It is all very stressful.

But here is the best part of all:

I am there everyday.

Thankfully, I kept my teacher certification current so I am offered a sub position daily.  And ever since I was hired as a sub, I have been there everyday.  I am enjoying teaching in a classroom setting and remembering why I went to school to be a teacher, all those years ago.  The staff is amazing at this school.  They do a great job in their rooms and have been so welcoming and encouraging to me.  I am enjoying being there.

This has been the hardest trial of my life.  I know God is leading me through something right now and I am trying to be patient and trust in Him.

We might go back to homeschooling one day, but for now, I believe we are doing what God wants us to do.

***

On a much lighter note, look at what we found in our hay barn:

Kittens!

Mrs. Poppers was apparently quite UN-faithful to her husband, Mr. Poppers (of whom we stripped of his manhood) and had babies with an unknown cat of the male species.

This has all been very exciting.

So.  We have four baby kittens.

Presh.

***

Want to hear some crazy, fantastic, exciting news?

David is getting out of the rabbit biz.

He listed them all, along with all their paraphernalia, on The Craigslist.

Want to know why?

He’s making room for pigs.

Happy Sunday!

David and his dad both put in for a moose tag this year-and they each drew one.  Apparently, each hunter is allowed one moose in his or her lifetime.  You have to pay to be put into a lottery.

And they won!  They won the lottery!

I would rather win a different kind of lottery.  But to each his own.

David’s dad was able to harvest a moose on his own property a little awhile ago.

And, yes.  I just said “harvest.”  That is what the hunter-men say.  I used to say “catch.”  You know, as in,

“Hello, honey!  How was hunting?  Did you catch anything?”

Hunter peoples do not like this.  They prefer “kill” or “harvest.”  Consider yourselves informed.

Anywho.  David, his dad, and Sweet Pea all went out hunting last Saturday.  And they were successful!

David sent me this picture of himself after he had caught harvested his moose.  You know.  THE picture.  THE harvest picture.

THE harvest picture of David with his ONCE IN A LIFETIME MOOSE!

He looks ecstatic, does he not?

He claims it isn’t very big.  I think it is plenty big and now I have about 350 pounds of moose meat in my freezer.

Don’t be jealous.

The day after he caught slaughtered the moose, we all went to his parents’ house to cut up, grind, and package the meat.

Be warned!  These pictures are gross.

This was the cutting table.  The moose was hanging near by.  I won’t show you that picture.  It is a bit too much, if you know what I mean.  But the moose was hanging there, and they would cut off some of its flesh, place it on the table, and cut it up there.

If the meat was a roast or steaks, we would just package it as is.  But most of the meat we ground up into hamburger.  David would run it through the grinder and I would package it.  The boys would take turns labeling the meat and stacking it neatly into boxes.  It was a family affair!

I have been a bit nervous as to whether or not this moose, whom we named Henry,  was going to end up plastered on my wall.

Because we all know how much Taylor loves big game proudly displayed on her walls.

David said he is not planning on hanging it in the house.  It is too big.

Darn.

Instead, it will hang in his shop.

He is planning on bleaching the skull.  Or something.  I don’t know.  It all makes me shudder.

Here is another picture, for your viewing pleasure.

At one point, David took out the poor creature’s eyeballs and gave them to Handsome Dude.  And, of course, Handsome Dude chased Sweet Pea around with them.

***

I cooked Moose Spaghetti last night.  It is just like regular spaghetti, but instead of ground beef, I used ground moose.

I even tried a tiny bit.

I lived.

***

The vast amounts of moose meat came in handy this week!  While we were almost an hour away from home at church, our neighbor called to let us know all three of our horses were running amok.

Yay!

David headed for home, but while he was en route, our neighbor was able to get them all put back into their fence.  And to thank her, we sent her off with some of her own moose meat.

Moose!  It is a gift to be shared amongst redneck neighbors, such as ourselves.

***

David got me up on a horse today.  He was pretty shocked.

I lasted for about 5 minutes.

This might shock you, but I am not really the “horse type.”

***

I have some shocking news.  You better sit down for this.

The boys let all the hens out the other day.

I know, I know.  I was dumbfounded myself.

We thought we had gotten them all in, but Sweet Pea found this one seeking refuge in the Bobcat.

We found it humorous.

We got the little lady back into her coop and went to town for the evening.  When we returned, we found another hen had taken refuge on our fall porch decor.

It is hard to see, but she is kind of behind the pumpkin.  She is black with white spots.

The kids thought it was hilarious.

So I am sharing it with you.

Alright.  Happy Sunday!