The Lumberjack's Wife

Friends.

I am happy to report that I worked AND PREPARED DINNER.  I think we can officially declare that I am in recovery from the beginning of the school year.

Once again, we must go with a list, for that is all my brain can handle.

1.  I guarantee you I am going to put on weight with this new job.  Because I DON’T MOVE.  It is horrific.  I am used to chasing first graders around all day.  Now I am staring at a computer.
2. Do you remember how I was all “Proverbs 31-y” and was “considering a field to buy it?” I did buy it.  It went through.  And now we own an extra 10 acres.  Right next to our current lands.
3. David told me to expect more cows.
4. Reader.  I am ok with that.
5. Reader.  I love cows.
6. Ok.  Full disclosure.  The reason why I am guaranteeing you that I will put on weight with this new job is because I already did.  Sad.
7. WE BOUGHT A NEW TRAILER.  You guyzzzz.  It is the nicest thing I have ever seen.  And, oh!  It is a 5th wheel.  And, oh!  This is the first time I have ever picked one out.
8. Me:  David!  I just want to shut the kids up in a room and not see all their mess.  If I have to walk into a trailer ONE MORE TIME and see LD’s underwear hanging from the window, I am going to flip my lid.
9. My new trailer has a room.  With a door.  That I can close.  And pretend I don’t have boys.
10. 
11. Reader.  It is nicer than my house.  We pick it up next weekend.
12. I took a kitten with me to school.  Are we surprised?  No.  No, we are not.  Here is what I learned about kittens today:  They are super needy when they are not with their mamas.  How inconvenient.
13. Meet Jack.

14.  I brought Jack into town so he could meet his new human-mama.  He had to stay in my classroom and I foolishly decided this would be fine.

15.  It was NOT FINE.

16.  He was all happy in his cage and then I had to go live on the Zoom with the first graders.  And by the way-have I told you how much I love first graders?  I mean, if you are looking for a new career, look into teaching first grade.  It is the best.  Ok.  Full disclosure:  it is exhausting and you won’t be wealthy, but you will be entertained and your heart will be full.

17.  And then while I was reading a story, Jack escaped and crawled up me.  As I was reading “Sheep in a Jeep” and teaching my beloved first graders that “ee” says long “e.”

18.  Beloved first graders had a journal writing prompt today.  It was:  The last time I laughed really hard was ____________.

Here is one of my precious first grader’s entries:

I believe it said:  The last time I was laughing really hard was today when the cat climbed up my teacher when she was reading me a story.

19.  I taught the aforementioned first graders that the word “weep” means to cry and encouraged them to use it in a sentence to their parents and knock the socks off their parents.

20.  One precious firstie waited several minutes after a Zoom meeting to ask me:

“Mrs. M.?  What was that fancy word that means “cry” again?”

Me:  Weep.

Firstie nodded and logged off.

21.  Have I mentioned that I enjoy first graders?

22.  I also love supportive and kind parents.  Seriously.  It makes all the difference.  Even if the teacher isn’t hitting grand slams, make them feel like you appreciate them.  It truly does help.  Teaching is hard.  Every teacher I have ever met wants to do their best for their students.

23.  I have this one parent.  She is an absolute blessing to me.  I had one of her precious boys last year and luckily, I have another precious son this year.  I believe they came from the south and they are so respectful.  They say “Yes, Ma’am” and make my heart melt.

24.  Sometimes precious mama gets confused and she talks to me on the zoom.  She always says, “Oh, excuse me, Mrs. M.  I look a-mess.”  And I think it is so funny because she is the most lovely person inside and out.  And when she is talking to me, I look like this:

And may or may not have a kitten crawling up me.

25.  David got a job promotion offer.  If he took it, we would have to move.  He doesn’t want it, but I would be ok if he took it.  I am proud of him.  He works hard.

26.  I went to get my hair did today.  I STILL do not have gray hair.

And I would also like to take this time to remind you that not only do I not have gray hair, but I have never had a cavity NOR a speeding ticket.

Have yourselves a nice Tuesday, alright?

Alright.

Good Night.

Friends.

There is so much going on, I do not know where to begin.  And I am  39 and life is hard for me now, so I cannot formulate a story.  So a list is what we will be working with today.

Thank you for your understanding.

1.  David insists the boys should do the dishes.  This is what happens when the boys do the dishes on a night we make rice:

Off David goes to work the next morning, happily at 5 am.

Taylor gets to scoop rice out of the bottom of the dishwasher.

2.  I love first graders.  I miss having them in the classroom, but I am loving my virtual class.  At the end of our meetings, I let kids sign off, but if they have a question or want to talk to me, I tell them to stay on live with me for a bit.  One kid always says:

“You are the best teacher in the whole world.”

Every day.  And I love him.

Another kid stayed on for five minutes just to say, “See you soon!”

First grade is the BEST.

Change my mind.

3.  I have a great teaching team this year.  We work really well together and it makes all the difference.  We really need document cameras, so one of my teammates created a Donors Choose project so we could try and get some document cameras.

Teammate:  I need a clever title for my project.  Hmmm. . . How about, “Teacher, make it bigger!”

Me:  NO!  That sounds like a “that’s what she said” joke just waiting to happen.

4.  We named it something else.

5.  I came home to one of the kittens looking like this the other day:

Ok.  This kitten is like six weeks old.  It was in the bathroom with Mama and two siblings.  Mama and the other kittens were dry.  The only thing LD and I could conclude was that kitten had fallen into the toilet and Mama saved it from drowning in a toilet.

Mama kitty is such a good Mama.

I used a blow dryer on Toilet Kitty.  Toilet Kitty did not like it.

6.  Toilet Kitty is still alive.

7.  Taylor tries to remember to make sure all toilets are closed when she leaves each day.

8.  I forgot to post this picture from Alex’s wedding.

My boys were helping Grandpa (David’s dad) get ready for the wedding.

I liked the picture, simply because, I liked it.

9.  HD’s hand is a big, fat mess.  We had to go to his post-op today.  He needs therapy and a splint and all sort of TLC for six weeks.

David:  When can he start on farm chores?

Me:  Do not mess with my child!  I am taking it from here!

10.  HD’s new scar

11.  I had a student.  It was not working out with him to be online full time.  He would always run away from the Zoom meetings.  But his mom would stay.

And she became my number one fan.

She sat and listened to my stories.

She requested books.

She answered questions.

She was sad when they made a change for her child’s education.

At least I reached one mom.

12.  Norma Jean Riley had four kittens yesterday.

13.  16 kittens have been born in my house in 2020.  That I know of.

14.  I am making appointments for cats to be fixed.

I am tired.  I am going to bed now.  Goodnight.

There is a picture that will never go away.

This gem of a photo was taken circa 1995.  From left to right you can see Sister Meagan, Ma, and myself.

It was to be a treasured Valentine’s Day gift for my father.

What is up with the makeup?

What is up with the shiny tarps?

I shudder.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, Ma shared this photo AGAIN on the Facebooks.  Hadley commented on it:

“MOM.  WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!”

Sister Meagan thought that was humorous, seeing as how all three of us were wearing shiny tarps.  So why would Hadley single out me?

But that is the story of my life.  My kids are hard on me.

***

I made an appointment to put Tank down.  And then I felt awful and conflicted and horrified.

He is 12 1/2.  Sometimes his back legs don’t work.  He pants heavily a lot.  He has more frequent accidents.

But he still seems fairly happy.  And we love him.

It is not an easy decision to make, let me tell you.

But, I scheduled the appointment for my next day off.  And then I was invited for pedicures with gal pals and that sounded like a WAY BETTER PLAN.  So that is what I will do instead.  And I feel relieved.  I don’t think we are ready to do that quite yet.

***

I want a new trailer.  I found a used trailer I like but it was like 7 hours away.

So.  David, the boys, and I jumped in the ginormous diesel truck and started the drive to the used trailer.

We started the drive.  It was the most beautiful drive in the whole, wide world.  I drove for a bit and David was playing music for me on his phone.  He was also playing Solitaire.  So the entire time I was driving, it sounded like I was in a casino.

Me:  David.  Turn the game sounds off.

David:  If I do, the music will turn off.

Me:  No.  Go to your app settings.

David:  It won’t work.

Me:  Yes, it will.

David:  No, it won’t.

And then he played a song I enjoyed.  The boys groaned.

HD:  Ugh.  Maybe we will get kidnapped.

Because that is apparently how awful my taste in music is.

As soon as we switched drivers, I turned David’s solitaire sounds off and demonstrated how we could still listen to music.

I win.

Luckily, Sisters Meagan and Jess live in the very city the used trailer was located.  So we got to see them for not one, but TWO meals.

We don’t have Chic-Fil-A where we live, but there is one here.  LD was EXTREMELY excited to eat there, but their dining room was closed.

I blame the Corona.

So, we feasted at a Mexican restaurant.  LD ate a lot of bean dip and chips.  And polished off everyone’s leftovers.

HD ordered a cheeseburger and Sister Meagan was so delighted, seeing as how she had never met anyone who ordered a burger at a Mexican restaurant.

The boys were their usual jolly selves.

Then we went and looked at the trailer and it was not ideal.  So then we went and looked at several other trailers and now we have stars in our eyes and want to spend all the money.

Me:  I want THAT one!
David:  It is nice

Me:  I am worried the boys will destroy it.

David:  I guarantee you, the boys will destroy it.

Sister Meagan and Jess hosted us for dinner and we had a lovely time.  We drove home, happy and trailerless.

And I would like to let the records show that spending two days straight in the truck with the boys is a bit too much.

Happy Sunday!

Reader.  Do you recall that we got new tires on my car?  Right before David hit a deer?

Reader.  My car is still not repaired.

Reader.  I was having to drive the ginormous flatbed duelly diesel truck.

Reader.  David fixed the old Subaru.

Reader.  Did you know we had an old Subaru?

Reader.  We have an old Subaru.

David fixed it.  The boys are embarrassed to be seen in it, but I am loving this new life of parking with ease and filling up my gas tank for $26.42.

Me:  David.  I kind of like driving the Subaru!  I am saving a ton in gas!

David:  Great.

Me:  Although I have no idea what the status is of the tires or if the oil needs to be changed.

David:  Oh.  It needs new tires.  I am surprised you haven’t had a blow out.

Me:  !

Me:  David!  I do not want to have a blow out!  It is one of my biggest fears.  Can I get new tires?

David:  No.

And then I went to sleep.

Why did David say no?  That is the question inquiring minds want to know.  Here is a list of possible reasons:

1.  He heard from the mechanic and my car will be ready soon.  So why buy new tires?
2. He knows a guy who wants to trade half a beef and a full pig for a half used set of tires and he would rather go that route.
3. He thinks he can get a smokin’ deal on Craigslist.
4. He was messing with me and the tires really are not all that bad.

So.  The next day.

The next day, I call him and tell him I do not want a blow out.  He said he thinks he found a deal on tires for about $200 but they are like an hour away and he doesn’t know when he can get them.

And, Reader.  Would you like to know what I did?  Because I am almost 40?

I took the car and got BRAND NEW tires put on it for $363.

Because, ain’t nobody got time for that.

I did take care of this all by myself.  I am proud of me for figuring out tire sizes and calling the tire shop and having my dear teacher friends drive me to the tire shop and return me.

One problem:  I had arranged for the tires to be at a completely different tire shop.  Like an hour north of me.

Oops.

Tire shop dude was nice and worked it out.  Happy Endings.

Ok.  I teach online school  Online school provided me with a headset. A headset is necessary for my job as I am in a room with three other teachers and it can get loud.

Provided headset is sooooooooooooo uncomfortable.

So, I ordered a new one off of Amazon.

Also.  I ordered blue light glasses, because they seem to be all the rage these days.

I tried the head set on and it was like heaven on my ears.

And my boys were like:

Oh.  Ok.  Hi, Gamer.

David told me I was a total dork.

Sister Meagan said I look like I should work for Air Traffic Control.

Hadley said:

Mom.  What are you doing?

And now, dear Readers.  Who can recommend a comfy, yet fashionable headset for Taylor, the online teacher?

Please advise.

P.S.

I love Rio.

The end.

Awhile back, I purchased a used bedroom set and I double love it.  David does not love it when I purchase things that require him to assemble.  But I don’t love it when he purchases things that I fall in love with and he butchers.  So.  Even Steven.

Anyways.  We got this bed and we put it together, but he didn’t want to screw it all together properly.  And what did I care?

So.  Last weekend, we were on said bed.  And it totally broke.  Like we fell in.

Apparently we caused quite the ruckus, because Kate walked in and scolded us.

Kate: WHAT were you two DOING?

Me:  I was watching “Call the Midwife” and eating a tasty snack.  Dad was asleep.

She sighed and helped pull us up out of the mess, then walked away thoroughly disgusted with us.  We got the bed all set up again.

We did not properly screw it all together.  We are hoping to scar our teens again soon.

***

HD had his surgery today.  He did very well with it.  He was pretty funny coming out of anesthesia, but not as coco-nuts as his sister, Kate.

He really wanted to go to his favorite coffee stand.  Which, surprisingly, is not Dutch Bros.

Me:  Do you want a mocha granita?

HD (panicked):  What time is it?

Me:  11:30am

HD:  The granita special isn’t on until 2pm.  I prefer the frappucino, but if it is after 2pm, I order the granita so I can save my family money.  So, frappucino please.

Well, right on, HD.

He also required two chocolate donuts.  One with sprinkles and one without.  I obliged.

Sadly, HD needs to be in a splint for four weeks and not use the hand for six weeks.  This will be a challenge, seeing as how he is David’s mini-me.

He already cannot handle it and went to water the lamb and he even vacuumed.  He is determined to do things one handed.

HD:  Mom, in a way I am really lucky.

Me:  Why is that?

HD:  I didn’t really cut my hand all that bad.

Me:  Oh, yeah?

HD:  Yeah.  Because the knife I cut myself with is one that Dad uses to cut through bones.

*shudder*

And, finally, HD likes to dictate emails for me to send to his teachers.  He is very specific on the wording and I am not allowed to say that he cut his hand without including that he cut it while butchering pigs.  For fear people will think he was trying to harm himself.

Here is an example of an email he would have me write:

Dear Mr. ________

On Saturday, HD was helping his Dad butcher pigs.  For meat.  He accidentally cut the top of his hand and has to have surgery.  He cannot use both of his hands.  How would you like him to type papers for you?

Thank you.

He is very stressed out about typing.  And tying shoes.

While he was in surgery, I ordered him some new Nike slides so he wouldn’t have to worry about shoelaces for awhile.

David would scoff at my indulgence of the boy.  But I don’t care.  Because I am almost 40 and my baby boy cut his hand on a knife his father uses to CUT THROUGH BONES and had to have surgery.

The boy gets new Nike slides.

And two pairs of nice socks.

Fun fact:  My mother calls slides, “sliders.”

Me:  Mom, a slider is a sandwich.

Mom:  And that shoe your kids like.

Me:  No.  Just a sandwich.

Happy Tuesday

Pig butchering day was Saturday.  I have never been a fan of pig butchering day.  And here is a comprehensive list why:

1.  It is morbid.
2. It is disgusting.
3. Pigs scream.  A lot.
4. The dogs want to go outside.  But the dogs cannot go outside because then when they come inside, they smell like pig death.  Ask me how I know.
5. One time David threw pig kidneys at me and I am still not over it.

So.  Pig butchering day.  I try and be proactive and let all FOUR dogs out before the slaying begins.  And David likes to slay pigs bright and early.  Like before 5am.

He had to butcher five pigs and it was taking a long time, as pig butchering is wont to do.  The dogs were going nuts.  Absolutely nuts.

Mostly Charlie and Abbie.

This was them looking out the bedroom window.

All.

Morning.

Long.

Whine.  Bark.  Pant. Whine.  Repeat.

Who wants to be inside folding laundry with Mom when Dad is BUTCHERING PIGS?

HD woke up and threw on his work coat and went out to help David.

He came back in momentarily and he was bleeding.

HD is uber dramatic and so at first I was playing it cool and was like,

Ok.  Calm down.  Sit down.  I will be right with you.

And he was like:  Oh, mom, I might faint.  This isn’t good.

And I was like:  Chill.

And then I looked at it.

Me:  Dude.  This is not good.  We need to go to the doctor.

So, I drove him to town.  Because David was still MURDERING pigs.  And on the way to town, HD expressed to me that his biggest fear in life was being put to sleep for surgery and not waking up.  And I assured him that stitches would not involve him being put to sleep.

And we went to urgent care and we were there for an hour and a half and it was decided that he needed to go to the ER because he had cut a tendon.

So we went to the ER and were there for an hour and a half and it was confirmed that he had a cut tendon and could I please follow up with the hand surgeon on Monday.

Sunday.

On Sunday, David needed help sorting cows and helping with the corral.

Me:  I will sort cows, because I love them.  I am not interested in helping with the corral.

David:  How about you sort cows and then you only have to help with the corral until lunch.

Me:  Ok, deal.

So, we go sort cows.  And not to toodle my own horn or anything but I am amazing at sorting cows.  I think it is because I spend so much time with them?  I am like one with them?  I am far better than David and the boys at this.  So I got the cows sorted lickety split.

But, bad news for me.  Because that meant I had to spend more time on the corral.

HD was working with one hand and was paired with David.

LD was paired with me.

And can I say that my boys are amazing?  They know how to do many things.  Things I do not understand.  Things their father taught them.  And LD was loving being a teacher to me and me following him around like a puppy.

I took HD to the doctor today. He will have surgery tomorrow.  And they will put him to sleep.  He is very nervous.  I am very tired.  Luckily, I have an amazing 1st grade team at work and they have TOTALLY got my back.  Life is easy as a teacher when you have an amazing team.

After we saw the hand surgeon, we got the call that HD’s glasses were in.  Bob was kind as usual and helped us not feel like complete and utter losers.

And somehow the glasses that we were expecting to pay full price for-you know, because they were at the bottom of a river?-somehow the insurance paid in full.

Keep HD in your prayers.  He is very nervous for tomorrow.

Thanks, Friends.

Yes, hello.  I was in bed by five pm last night, and here are today’s top stories.

1.  My brain.  My brain has melted into a puddle of Jell-O.  I mean, right now I am ok.  Because it is 4:30am and I am drinking coffee.  But in 12 hours:  J-E-L-L-O.
2. Let us discuss Monday morning, shall we?  Allow me to set the scene:

Four nervous 1st grade teachers are sitting in a room.  Wearing headsets because they could not be more professional.  We are getting ready to go live for the first time with our new classes of 2020-2021.  Kiddos are in our Zoom virtual waiting rooms.  We all look at each other and agree to allow them in at the same time.

Please imagine:  Four nervous, quiet adults.

Said adults push a button on a computer.

Now imagine:  Four animated and bubbly teachers welcoming students into our virtual classrooms.

“Hello!  Welcome!  Hi!  Good Morning!”

It was loud.  It was happy.  And it was just what these teachers needed after weeks of planning and wondering:  students.

Five minutes in, the entire building of our school lost internet.  At the same time.

It came on later, and has been working fine ever since, but it was a great first impression, no?
3.  For reasons I do not understand, we do not have very many telephones at our school.  So, when a parent needs tech support and would like us to call, we have to walk over to a different building where I know 3 phones exist.  And we have to try and commandeer a phone.

4.  I had a parent.  She was STRUGGLING.  A phone call was necessary.  I gather my things and traipse into the principal assistant office and ask to use her phone.  She regrets to inform me that her phone is not working and I should just use the principal’s phone.

5.  Can we take a minute to be impressed with the technology set up at our new online only school?

6.  The principal man was not in his office.  He has many things that look important all over his desk.

Me:  Are you sure it is ok if I just go in there and sit at his desk?

Assistant Principal:  Yes, it is fine.

So.  I go in and sit down and make the phone call.

7.  The mother is very excited that I have called and she asks me to wait because she is on the toilet and needs to finish up.

8.  As I am waiting the principal walks in.  He looks a bit surprised to see someone sitting at his desk.  And rightfully so.  Because I am not even sure he knows who I am.  Because I work mostly with the principal assistant.  And I think if I was in a line up of like 5 people and he was asked to pick out the person who works at his school, he probably would be able to identify me, but it might be tough.

9.  He was very nice about it and let me continue to use his phone.

10.  So, I continue to wait for Toilet Mom.  And normally, I might just tell her I will call her later, but as you can probably tell, it is not easy to use a phone, so I just waited.

11.  I offered tech support to Toilet Mom and then I left the principal’s office.  I was going to make a comforting cup of hot tea, but the Principal had moved into the tiny room with a microwave to work while I had taken over his office.  In order to make tea, I would have had to kick him out again.

12.  I decided I could live without tea.

13.  Me every time I am in a Zoom meeting:

Ok, 1st Graders.  I am going to share my screen with you.

(like they know what that means)

Oh.  It is tricky.  This is tricky for Mrs. M.  Hang on.

Shoot.  Wrong button, hang on 1st graders!

Ok!  I think I did it.  Thumbs up if you can see my screen!

Yay!  I did it!  I did it, 1st graders!

First graders:

14.  One kiddo ran away from the Zoom meeting.  But his mom stayed and listened to my story.  She enjoyed it and put in a request for her favorite story to be read.  So I am going to call that a win.

15.  I would like to close this blog post with a Public Service Announcement:

DO.

NOT.

ANSWER.

YOUR.

PHONE.

IF.

YOU.

ARE.

SITTING.

ON.

A.

TOILET.

And if you do (but please, do not), do not tell the person you are on the phone with that you are on the toilet.

Happy Thursday, Friends.

Yes.  I am aware snuck is not a word.

No, I do not care.

LD and I had a wonderful little road trip to Alex’s wedding.  I discovered that having only child with you is peaceful and pleasant.  Who knew?!  He stayed awake the whole time and was my co-captain.  I thoroughly enjoyed our time together.

Thoroughly.

A few weeks ago, I asked my precious nephew if he could be my date for the wedding.  He agreed.  He is Jason’s son.

Remember Jason?

Poor Jason.  That photo is probably 15 years old.

Anyways.  Precious nephew was to be my date, and then I canceled, but then I un-canceled.  LD and I arrived a day later than everyone, but right in time for the ceremony.  When precious nephew saw me, he ran to me and we had a picture together.

Could he not be any cuter?  I mean SERIOUSLY.

And then.  He snuck a smooch.

All the heart eyes for that little man, I tell ya.

Alert!  The teen daughters liked my shoes.  I repeat.  The teen daughters liked my shoes.

I have a shocking picture for you all.

You might need to sit down for this.

David smiled.

I wonder if he wasn’t ready for the picture?  Perhaps he didn’t have time to un-smile?

Oh, well.  Worked out well for me.

It was a lovely wedding and LD and I were very glad we were able to make it.  I made Lauralee (Alex’s new wife) snap this photo with me, Lisa, and Amy.  Lisa is the Maliblahblah boys’ sister.  Amy, Lauralee and I are all married to one of the Maliblahblah boys.

From left to right Lisa (sister), Amy (Jason), Me (David), and Lauralee (Alex)

We deserve recognition.  Those boy/men are a lot of work.

Well, except for Jason.  He isn’t too crazy.

Remember Jason?

So we were enjoying the wedding and I was like,

David!  We close on the rental Monday!  And we still have stuff in the dang rental!

We drove from the wedding (6+hours away) to the rental and got all of our junk.

I made everyone remake a photo from ten years ago.

Here is the picture of all six of us on the day we closed on our rural house ten years ago:

And here we are today, ten years later, finally selling the town house:

The astute reader might notice HD is wearing glasses.

They are an old pair of my mom’s.  His new glasses won’t come for a few weeks.

He prefers to wear hers.  Because, and I quote:

“At least I can kind of read!”

#winning

And here’s a more real picture:

Kate’s boyfriend took the pictures for us and he got like all the way down low to the ground.  Is that how you are supposed to take pictures?  Because if so, I have been failing all my life.

Was I sad when I locked the house up for the last time?
Yes.

Did I feel like crying?

A little.

Do I want to keep it?
NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO.

Tomorrow is the first day of eSchool.

Am I ready?

But I did dust off ye olde planner, so that is probably a good sign.

Happy Sunday!