The Lumberjack's Wife

I feel like Little Dude and I are often in sync with each other.  We are the two humans who have the most compassion for animal kind on our property.

Yesterday, I was therapeutizing my knee in the hot tub.  And, no, therapeutizing is not a word.  I made it up!

I was in the hot tub and he was sitting on the deck visiting with me.  Naturally, he had Rio with him.  And I am going to tell you about the convo we had, because it is only he who I could have this convo with.

Me:  Dude.  Look at the cows  which one is the most beautiful?  Ignore personality.

LD (thinking seriously, because we take this seriously):  Hmmm.  That is a tough one.

Me:  It is Matilda.  I mean, she is a beaut.  She is a brat and a half, but she is stunning.

LD:  True.  Which one is the funniest?

Me:  What do you mean?

LD:  I mean, which one do you think is the most playful?

Me:  None of them.  They are a bunch of moody, no nonsense gals.

We share a chuckle and a fondness for our bovine friends.

If I had asked Hadley which cow was the prettiest, she would have said:
“Mom.  You have lost your mind.”

Well, too bad for her because LD and I enjoy our animal friends and speak of them fondly.

***

We are trying to sell things online.  I have listed some furniture and appliances from the rental.  I get many texts or emails that read:

“Is this still available?”

And I say

“Yes”

And then I never hear from them again.

Ever.

And now, I must tell you that I truly believe there are people who spend all day answering these ads with the question:

“Is this still available?”

Just to mess with people.

It is a regular conspiracy!  And to prevent this, we even put directly into the ad this sentence:

If this ad is still up, the item is still available.

This deters no one.  I am at my witt’s end.  I live 45 minutes from the rental and so when I get a text at 8am that says:

“Is this still available?”

My mind is racing and re-planning my day so I can work in a trip to town, and then, nothing.

***

My knee is plum making me fussy.  I have no idea what is going on and I am fit to be tied.  I decided to call the doctor to make an appointment, just for kicks and grins, and he is three weeks out.  So, I will see him in three weeks.  And he will say what I always hear:

“Well.  You had seven surgeries.  It isn’t going to be normal.  You will need a knee replacement eventually, but you are too young.”

Woe unto me.

***

Elusive withOUT a tag had a calf today.  I made my boys walk out with me to check.   The Elusive gals are really quite furious if you come near their babies.  It is purely terrifying.  It is like evil lasers are shooting from their eyes with the intent to kill anyone who is within a 300 foot range of their young.

But lucky for you, I did grab this photo:

It is, admittedly, a terrible photo.  But remember the laser eyes!

There is a calf in the bottom left-ish area of the picture.  Elusive withOUT a tag is in the right side of the photo, wishing we were all dead.

The calf looks to be a reddish color.  Interesting.

Who is the father, Elusive withOUT a tag?  Hmmmm?

Alright.

Happy Tuesday.

Look at this.

I mean.  Come on.

How could David ever not like kittens?  Precious creatures.

I ordered the sequel to These is My Words.  Thanks for the suggestion, astute readers.  As I waited, I read a book Kate gave to me.  Kate is my child who is in college but she is still in high school.  Her book was required reading.  It was very different.  It was called The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime.  It was an easy read.  It had bad words.  This is unfortunate, but such is life.  I felt it gave me some good insight on kiddos with autism, which perhaps will help me in my teaching career.  Maybe?  Perhaps?

The cute puppy, Charlie, ate HD’s glasses again.  I didn’t even drive him into town for it.  I just called, Bob. Do you remember Bob?  Sure you do.  Bob has been a part of my life for longer than this here blog.  Anyways, Bob is surely unimpressed with my mothering skills in the subject of eye glasses, but he is kind to me nonetheless.  He just had to help us a couple of months ago when Charlie ate them.

Me then:  Thank you so much for all of your help with this!  We will definitely not ever let the puppy have access to them again.

Me today:  Hi, Bob.  It’s me.  Taylor.  Remember?  Yeah.  The puppy ate the glasses again.

He is ordering new frames and will call me when they are in.  HD is handling this setback like a champ.  And he has a new and improved middle school attitude to match it.  He is thrilled that the only way we could fix his glasses was with a bandaid.  His eyes hurt, he cannot see, the bandaid is dumb . . . Just, whatever, man.

The Rental.

We are fixing it up.  When I say we, I mean, David, and I am just basically his project organizer and cheerleader.  He started sanding the wood floors tonight:

Fun fact:  I have always wanted to move back here, ever since we moved 10 years ago.  I LOVED that house.  I never wanted to sell it before.  I am feeling ok with it now.  I am ready to be done.  We will fix it up one more time and be done.

My knee.

I do not know what is going on.  I do not think I tore anything, but it hurts.  I have been resting.  Today, I went for a walk to check on the cows.

*GASP*

I live life on the edge.  I had Kate keeping watch at home with a cell phone in case I fell and couldn’t get up.  Again.

Yes.  I am 38.  Why do you ask?

Anyways, I found Elusive with a Tag and her calf.  This was as close as I could get.  For she wanted my head on a platter for merely being in the presence of her and her calf.

Do you see her?  She is the cow with a tag in her ear who doesn’t want to be looked at much.  Hence the name, “Elusive with a Tag.”  The cow in the left of the picture is our friend, “Elusive without a Tag.”  Observe that she does not have a tag.

Could we not be more clever with our bovine names?

Taylor:  David!  I get to name all the cows!  And the names will be fabulous, like Bessie and Matilda and Mildred!

David:  Whatever.

First round of cows:  Matilda, Rosie, Mildred, Babs, Hildy, Penny, Maisy, and Bessie.

Second round:  Purple Cow 8, Purple Cow 5, Elusive with a Tag, Elusive without a Tag, Miss America.

You may ask, “Taylor!  Why Miss America?”

Well.  Because she has one red tag and one blue tag.

I am not killing it in the name department over here.

Anyways.

I went on the walk and now my knee hurts something fierce, so I have been icing and propping and bemoaning life.

Yes.  I am 38.  Why do you ask?

My boys will not stop fighting nor eating.  I am plum at my witt’s end.  There is no end in sight.  I had to have a “Come to Jesus” meeting with them today regarding their poor attitudes.  They are full of much middle school angst.  They didn’t really feel moved by my speech, but they did hope to make/eat brownies soon after.

Did I tell you we bought 150 more pigs?

We bought 150 more pigs.

Happy Monday!

I am glum.  Here is a list:

1.  The school year ended and it was weird.
2. Our renters moved out, and that is all fine and dandy, but now we must decide what to do with our rental.  We have had it for ten years.  No matter what, the rental is in need of TLC, and who has the time?  I spent most of the day there yesterday.  It is overwhelming and mostly, I need David, because he is our life foreman.  David is far too busy for all the things, so this will be another stressful season.
3. I am reading These is My Words, for like, the fourth time.  I think a reader, Melissa, recommended that book to me many moons ago.  It is good, but almost over.  Don’t you hate it when a book you love is ending?
4. I got roped into another round of “Pig Flipping.”  We are down to the bitter end here, folks.  Out of the 200 we started with, we only have 15.  But David, who is never content, has found another deal for us to all go in on.  And I said no.  I was out.  But then I was told I had to go and pick up 150 pigs, like with a vehicle, and I was like, “you are kind of making me not out of the pig business.”  So, I am back in the pig business, because, as I said to David, “If Taylor is dealing with pigs, then Taylor gots to get paid.”
5. I feel I have come a long way, yes?  I am proud of me.
6. Yesterday, I had to bring a pig in a dog crate to town and sell it in the parking lot of a local grocery store.  And then my car smelled like pigs all day.
7. I am almost 39.  And I care and I do not care.  I don’t really care all that much, but it is weird nonetheless.  I am happy to report that according to my trusty hair dresser, I still have not received a gray hair.  I have decided that if I can survive 200 weaner pigs and quaran-TEENS simultaneously and still not get gray hair, I might not ever get gray hair.  Silver linings!  (punny)
8. Here is something not-so-glum in my glum list.  Kate bought me a plant as an appreciation gift.  So that was lovely.  She has been a delight as of late and spending more time at home (thanks, ‘RONA!)
9. Today, I went on a walk to check the cows.  This is my favorite past time, but you already knew that.  We have two cows that David bought in March.  We call them the Elusives.  This is because for the first few weeks, they would never let us lay our eyes upon them.  They have gotten better and we may now lay our eyes upon them.  But only that and no more!  So, I gave them names, and I think they are like Eloise and Elmira, but we just call them “Elusive with a tag” and “Elusive without a tag.”  Both Elusives are showing signs of impending labor.  So today, I was full of hope and joy as “Elusive with a tag” was nowhere to be seen.  Which means maybe she was in the bushes having a new calf friend for me to enjoy!  So, I am walking and I am far from the house, and I totally fall.  Like way bad and I am not even sure why.
10. Herein lies the problem:  I have a bad knee.  Do you remember my knee saga, Friends?  If not, don’t worry about it.  But I have had seven surgeries on the same knee.  Well, I fell and I twisted that bad boy up and it was no bueno.
11. Herein lies another problem:  the boys were home and they do not have phones.  The girls and David, the family member with phones, were all gone far away.  And there I was, laying on the ground, unable to stand, and not sure who could help me.  So I call David, but I am not sure what he can do for me, as he is like an hour away.  I decide to try one of the boys Gizmo watches, which they never use.  And God must have been looking out for me because HD answered.  He brought the 4 wheeler and came and picked me up.  LD insisted I lay down and ice it and then HD went to go and find Elusive with a Tag for me.  He came back to tell me she had a calf.
12. So, now I am mad because I cannot go and look at the new calf friend.
13. I cannot tell if I am seriously hurt.  I can walk, but it hurts.  I am a bit worried and I truly hope I didn’t do anything serious.
14. I took a nap with our new kitten, Rio.  It was a literal cat nap and it was delightful. 
15. Oh!  And right before my walk with cows, I stripped the bedding and was washing all the bedding, so I got to try and finish that up with my bum knee.
16. Bummer.
17. I need new book recommendations.  Please advise.

Well, folks.  This here is a picture of Little Dude and Kate.  Little Dude is 11 (almost 12) and is the youngest.  Kate is 17 and is the oldest.  LD is now the tallest of the four and Kate is now the shortest.

LD will not stop eating.  I don’t know what to do.  I just keep feeding him and hope for the best.

***

The boys sold those precious lambs.  The minute they sold them, they regretted it.  We really do not need sheep by any means, but those orphaned lambs were seriously precious.  They were like puppies.  So, just like that, we are already out of the sheep business.  And I am ok with that.

***

We have about 55 pigs left.  I still do not like them.

***

The school year is coming to an end.  What a strange year this has been.  I hope things can go back to normal soon.  I miss being with the kids and all our routines.  I am sad that I will never be with this class again.  My calendar in my classroom is frozen in time on March 13, 2020, as that was the last day we were together.  When I said goodbye to them that Friday afternoon, it was not on anyone’s radar that our school would be shut down so quickly.  I wish we could have had closure and time to prepare the kids for online learning.  This class was precious to my heart and I will always remember them.

***

We went kayaking the other day as a family.  I came out in what I *thought* was a “just fine” outfit for kayaking.

First of all, it is too cold to swim, so I wasn’t needing a swimsuit.  I was needing to wear something that I could easily get in and out of the water with and not be too hot or too cold.

I am almost 39 now and a very sensible gal.  I came out with Nike capri leggings, a t-shirt from Maurices, a zip up hoodie, and Keen sandals.

As soon as I came out of my room, both girls said, “Nope.”

I tried many outfits on for them, and I failed every time.  Finally, Kate dressed me.  I guess my trusty Keen water shoes are no longer in style because those were a definite NO from the teens.  They put me in Kate’s sandals and I cannot remember the name of them, but they are definitely NOT CHACOS, because who has time for all of those straps?  I ask you?

So, I was dressed in shorts and a tank and I was told the bra I was wearing was not tank appropriate, so I was given a sports bra by the teens and then I was told that I looked very stylish.

I have a teacher friend.  Let’s call her Tiffany.  Tiffany is uber cute and always looks amazing.  Kate thinks highly of Tiffany and oft reminds me that I am not as cute as her.  Which is fine because I accepted this long ago.  After Kate dressed me, she said:

“Now, Mom.  This is something Tiffany would wear.  This is cute.  Try to be like Tiffany.”

The icing on the cake for the girls was when we were driving to the lake, David looked at me and said,

“You look nice.”

Which is something he doesn’t usually say.  They were pleased.

***

We went camping for the first time.  Do you remember that we bought river property?  Do you?  Do you?

It was our maiden camping trip.  And it was exhausting.  There were so many mosquitoes!  The more talented peoples of the group decided to start a storage shed.  We need a storage shed to store things like our new riding lawn mower.  This family that I married into are incredible and know how to do all the things and are very hard workers.  I am probably an embarrassment to them, as I do not operate a nail gun regularly.  I do, however, know how to teach phonemes, so if that is ever needed at the river property, I will be of great use.  They did an excellent job and I could not believe they got the shed up in one weekend.  Handsome Dude just watched David and then started siding one wall of the shed on his own!  My kids are going to be very amazing like their dad.  Hopefully I can also teach them phonemes.

Here is a photo of Kate, my nieces, and I, after the shed was built.  We still need to paint and add a door.  We found it to be humorous that we were the ones in the photo, when we were not the hard workers who did the majority of the work.

Stand down, Readers!  We will be painting the metal to match.  The dream team (which does not include me) used pallet wood for siding!  GENIUS.

Also.  We officially have our own outhouse.

So, be jealous of that.

Happy Monday!

The other morning, I woke up and examined the kitchen.  The kitchen never looks the way I left it.  It is quite obvious that the majority of the children are nowhere near done eating or ready to sleep when David and I go to bed.

Me, shouting upstairs to Little Dude:  Dude!  Did you air fry up a bunch of meatballs again last night?

LD:  Um, yeah.

Me:  How many?

LD:  Um, 20 or 30.

Me:  Dude!

LD:  Mom!  I NEED PROTEIN.

Feeding these people is no joke.

HD:  Mom, I am so excited to try some of our farm fresh beef

Me:  I am not.

Cows are friends, not food!

***

Yesterday, I was in the house while a pig sale was going down.  HD came in the house and told me the lady needed a bill of sale.  I said I would get right on it, as I aim to please, but could he please go and see what the gal’s name was.  He came back and told me and the name sounded extremely familiar.

Me:  Dude!  Go and ask her if she is an OBGYN!  I think she birthed you!

HD disappeared and apparently did not ask her that question, for he found the whole entire ordeal to be extremely horrifying.

I walked outside and called out, “Hello, do you remember me?”

Ha.  As if she remembers me.  But I am 38 now and this is what 38 year old women do.

HD to Hadley:  Oh, man.  Mom is going to tell this lady she birthed me.  This is so embarrassing.

So, I of course came out and made all the necessary introductions and informed the gal, who 100% fact did not remember me, that the boy who just loaded her pigs was a boy that she helped me birth some 13 years ago.

It was a pleasant trip down memory lane.

***

David called me to ask if I could please take the truck and horse trailer to the scale in a local farm town and weigh it.

Isn’t he odd?  He has the strangest tasks in mind for me all the time.

Friends.  I have NEVER hauled a trailer.  I never really planned on wanting to haul anything.

I took LD with me.

Me:  Look at this.  Before I drive.  Is this hitch thing all connected just right?  I’m not going to lose anything?
LD (in his new and improved deeper man voice):  It looks good, Mom.

Me:  I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.

LD:  Take the turns wide.  Don’t take out the mailbox.

He is so wise for an almost 12 year old.

I successfully weighed the truck and trailer and took no mailboxes out.  The truck and trailer, plus a very large grain sack weighed 17, 160 pounds, if you must know.

Apparently David had to know.

Today, he asked Hadley to haul a steer in the trailer to town.  And she didn’t even care and was like:

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

And Hadley has hauled livestock and trailers for her Pa many a time and I have no idea how it comes so easily to her.

***

Last night.

You all remember how David had left to sell Dutch Bro?  Yes?

Well, he was taking forever and a day and finally he called to let me know he made some business deal and was coming home with TWENTY-FIVE sheep.  But not to worry, Taylor, he was going to sell them real quick.

So.  I am writing this blog post to you whilst viewing the sheep.

They are pleasant enough.

Our new puppy, who is part Australian SHEPHERD thinks we are the coolest family ever and is extremely exhausted from herding the sheep up and down the pen for no reason at all.

Two little lambs are orphaned and the boys have decided they would like to be their new parents, so we also have two lambs on bottles.

Apparently the boys might buy the lambs from David?  I don’t know.  But there are now lamb bottles and lamb milk replacer bags in my kitchen.

Fun Fact:  When I don’t know how to conclude a post, I always just say Happy _______ and insert whatever day of the week it is.

Happy Tuesday!

Kittens!

I have excellent news.  I actually looked at a calendar and discovered the kittens are older than I thought!  They are now 6 1/2 weeks old.

Math.  Who knew?

I am not going to keep Philip.  Philip is the darling angel kitten in the far left of the photo.  Philip is going to my dear friend, Erika.  So I can keep in touch.  She probably isn’t naming him Philip though, because she is crazy.

Little Dude and I are keeping the kitten whose head is up high and is light gray/striped.  Her name is Rio.  So that will be three cats total and David is thrilled.  I *promised* him that they will all be outside cats soon.

*Promised*

***

Little Dude.

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to say his name yet and he is now the biggest child.  But I am just going to call him Little Dude.  Even though he is taller than me and his siblings.

LD and HD are best friends/worst enemies and it changes by the minute.  The other day they were fighting like crazy, so I gave HD outside chores and told LD to assemble a book shelf for me.

He worked on it for about two hours and had to disassemble and reassemble it multiple times.

Also.  He used a power drill and I didn’t even know we had a power drill at this house.  And I do not know really exactly how to use a power drill.  And I thought the power drills were always with David in his work van.

Huh.

Anyways.  He had to keep starting over but he was as pleasant as can be.

Me:  Dude.  How come you are so calm?

LD:  I am trying to look calm, but inside I am red and screaming.

Me:  Ok, then.

He assembled it and I love it and maybe someday I will take a picture of him with it.

Today is not that day.

Also:  I paid him.  I am not evil.

***

Pigs.

We have sold 94 pigs.

I sold 33 today.  They were going like gangbusters!  Happy Days!

They stink.  I hate them.  Let’s be done.

***

Cows.

Matilda’s calf died.  I do not know why.  My heart is broken.  I ate an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream to mourn her, which was completely reasonable and  I hate everything.  And we never have Ben and Jerry’s.  It was one of David’s secret chocolate hidings for when I am falling apart.  Which is apparently a thing.

I didn’t even name her.  HD wanted to name her “Leslie.”  I laughed and laughed.  Leslie?!  Where does he come up with this stuff.

But now, she is nameless and dead.

Just the other night I was telling David I wanted a charolaise heifer bottle calf because they are beautiful and lovely and I want to name her Opal because I double love Opal apples.

But then I saw Matilda’s dead calf and my heart was sad and I told David I didn’t want a heifer calf anymore because she would just die and make me sad and I should probably just move to town.

This is why David hides treats like M and Ms and pints of Ben and Jerry’s.  For such a time as this.

Dutch Bro.

You guyzzzzzz.  David sold him.  On this very night.  I saw him loaded in the trailer and looking out the back.

Here is a baby picture of Dutch Bro.

Here he is with his mama, Rosie.

She’s dead.  Are you surprised?
I’m not.

Woe unto me.

So.  Dutch Bro is gone.  It was bound to happen.  But I guess it is better he left our property alive and well, and David did not shoot him.

Spoiler Alert:  It is very likely that someday someone will shoot Dutch Bro and eat him.

Apparently that is what people do with cows.  They are not just cute pets.

Woe unto me.

Happy Monday!

I have a new diet plan for everyone!  Are you ready for it?

It’s called:  Load three pigs in someone’s trailer, wash your hands religiously, try to eat a snack, and every time you bring a bite to your mouth, you smell pigs.

Whoosh!  Nasty!

I scrubbed and scrubbed.  Why do they still smell?  And now I feel bad for all the times I lovingly yelled at David for smelling like pigs.  He would always tell me he washed and I was a total brat and did not believe him.

And now.  I have the same affliction.

Also.  Full disclosure.

I still ate my entire snack.  I’m not gonna let a trivial thing like pig stank ruin my yummy treat.

I earned it.

So, it has now happened twice that I, yes I, Taylor Maliblahblah, have sold pigs to kind country folk all by myself.  And I am a total dork when the sale goes down.

Me:  Hi!  I am not really the farm and ranchy person but I can try to help you!

Says the lady standing in front of them who is wearing muck boots, a Carhartt coat, has horses and cows behind her, and is grabbing fat squealy pigs to load in their trailer.

Weird-o.

You guys.  I grab these little weaners like it ain’t no thang.  It is really quite simple.

And, I don’t mean to tootle my own horn, but I can totally genderify them now.  I don’t know how I figured it out.  It just came to me!  Like a gift.  The gift has not yet come to me for genderifying kittens.  Hopefully someday.

Today.

Today, I met the nicest folk.  Eric and Rory.  I know these are their names because their clothing told me so.

Eric and Rory are probably my new best friends.  They stayed and chatted with me for a good half hour.  ABOUT FARM STUFF.  As if.

Eric showed me pictures of his cows on his phone.  And I was all agog.  And he saw my cows behind me and he complimented me on my “nice Angus herd.”

Then we got to talking about the children and I told them the ages of my kids and Eric and Rory were simply shocked that I could have a 17 year old.

“What, did you have her when you were like 10?”

See.  New best friends.

I am definitely over this whole pig business.  I kicked Weston out of the dog crate because enough is enough already.  He is back with his brothers and sisters.  Hadley does not seem to care.  And I am pretty sure he is still alive out there.

***

I rarely leave the house.  Yesterday was my big day, and our state is reopening things so I was all excited to get some shopping done.

My first stop was to be Maurices.  Sadly, they were still shut down. Oh, I love Maurices.  It is what I like to wear when I am not loading pigs into people’s trailers.

Then I went to TJ Maxx.  I have been DYING to go to TJ Maxx.  I love buying scented candles there and a gal who has 200 pigs at her place deserves four peony scented candles.

You guys.  TJ Maxx was completely cleaned out. Bare shelves everywhere.  Not one candle was to be seen.  I guess when they opened, they had a bunch of panic shoppers and now their inventory is all gone.  Epic bummer.  Saved some money though.

***

We need to talk about the kittens.  Every time I google “How old do kittens need to be to leave their mothers,” that dang Google machine tells me 8 weeks.  8 weeks is no bueno.  We are at like week 4-5, Friends.  I don’t know how much longer I can endure.  I mean, I love them, but it is a lot of feline friends in one bathroom.  The kittens are very active now and climbing up everything.

When I stand at the sink and brush my hair, they climb up my legs.  Also-I am totally turning into a crazy cat lady.  David may have caught me *ahem* using the toilet and *ahem* snuggling a kitten.

It just started to crawl up my leg.  How could I resist?

I fear I have been quarantined too long.

The kittens are starting to eat cat food.  When can I find them loving homes that are not my bathroom?

And.  I am trying to get David to let me keep my favorite kitten, who is darling, and I have already named Philip.

Is not Philip the perfect name for my new cat friend?  I am about 50% sure Philip is a boy.

Happy Thursday!

When David emerged from the shower at 4:45 am this morning, he saw me, sitting up in bed with my computer and drinking coffee.

You might ask:  Taylor!  What could a gal possibly do on her computer at 4:45am?

Well.  I am a magical teacher in the early morning hours, as my internet works much faster and all of my children are fast asleep.  This is my routine every day since school shut down.

David:  What are you doing up so early?

Sigh.  I am usually up this early with him.  His question is dumb.

Me:  What are YOU doing up so early?

David:  Well.  Someone has to actually work.

David.  Time of death:  4:46am.  Cause of death:  Coronavirus.

Fun Fact:  We should be in Mexico right now celebrating our almost 20th anniversary.

Bummer.

You know what is more fun than going to Mexico?

Being responsible for 200 pigs.

Update:  We have sold 40, but I enjoy saying 200 because it makes everything seem more dramatic.  And drama is key when someone is telling you their woes about 200 piglets.

Friday.

On Friday, Hadley and LD were in charge of cleaning up the pigs living in the crate.  I told LD to THROW THE TOWELS AWAY, so you can all rest easy.  I am NOT putting that in my washing machine, thankyouverymuch.

David suggested we switch to hay instead of towels, so he won my heart with that idea.

Hay for a pig instead of a beach towel.  Who would have thought?

Hadley, who apparently loves raising piglets, decided to go above and beyond and wash the three piglets in our jetted tub.

Because that is what jetted tubs are for.

Also, the astute reader might notice that there are only two piglets in the bathtub.  She was holding her precious baby piglet who she named Weston and cradling him after his bath.

Hadley:  Mom.  Look at how clean Weston looks.  I used soap on him.  I didn’t use soap on the others because they don’t deserve it.

No, reader.  I do not understand her logic either.  But I also do not care that much and just mostly wanted her to be done with that nonsense and start bleaching the tub.

The astute reader might also remember that we have two mother cats and six kittens living in the bathroom.  Well, they decided to run amok in the living room during the piglet bath sesh, so life was a bit crazy.  I had to make sure to not step on a kitten and Charlie the puppy was very curious and chasing everyone around.  The mother cats despise Charlie with all their beings, so there was hissing and scratching and also we had baby chicks that we had to hope no cats, kittens, or puppies would chew on.

Then that dang Norma Jean Riley grabbed a kitten in her mouth and raced downstairs and hid the kitten in the storage room.  So I had to grab the remaining kittens and shut them up in a different bathroom and then go find the missing kitten and life just felt like a bit much again.

#overit.

So that was Friday morning and I sprayed Febreeze and lit some candles and hoped my house smelled lovely and not like pigs at all.

And then I had to sell some pigs.  And let me tell you, you meet the NICEST people when selling pigs.  For realz.  Country folk are sure pleasant.

As I was helping sell pigs, Friendly Pig Purchaser Lady and I were chatting away.  As people are wont to do during a pig transaction.  We grabbed a pig that had a hernia.

Me:  Oh, don’t take this one, it has a hernia.

Friendly Pig Purchaser Lady:  Well, you know how to fix those don’t you?

Me:  We are trying to figure that out actually.

Friendly Pig Purchaser Lady:  Oh, it is easy!  You grab yourself a large button, place it over the hernia, and use duck tape to wrap around the pig.  Once the other pigs eat the tape off, the hernia is fixed.  I did that with three pigs once and they all went on to have litters.

Well, I’ll be darned!  Friendly Pig Purchaser Lady for the win!  That sounded way easier than what David had planned for night.

And, oh!  Did I tell you?  David was planning on performing surgery.  He had seen a YouTube video on it and was all ready to go.  With suture kits and everything.

I called him and told him to forget surgery and get large buttons and duck tape.  And is it duck tape or duct tape?  And, listen to this, reader:  David listened to me.

!

And yes, of course pigs would eat duck/duct tape off of each other.  Have you met pigs?

Friday Afternoon:

I had company!  I was sure hopeful that my Febreeze and candles were doing a swell job of masking the smell of the 3 pigs living in a crate in my living room.

You guys.  I don’t even know how to talk to people anymore.  I am not a normal human.  I have been quarantined for too long over here and doing too many animal things and I just cannot even relate to myself anymore.

As I was trying to talk to my company, I just kept listening to myself talking about chicks and cows and pigs and hernias and I just don’t even know who I am.

Then I babysat my niece and nephew.

Aunt Taylor?  Why are their pigs living in our house?

My niece and nephew are 5 and 3 and they think we are so cool.  It is fun because my own children definitely do not think I am one bit of fun.

My nephew is oozing with preciousness.  He loves me.  He is also on repeat all day:

Taylor, don’t forget that after dinner, we are having our SLUMBERING party!

I did not forget. He reminded me 19 times.

He is also really into thumbs up-ing everything.

Here he is with Hadley

All my kids were very helpful with their cousins, so that made babysitting them for a weekend a breeze.

Can we discuss the size of Little Dude?  Should we rename him?

Sleeping with a 3 year old is not as much fun as it sounds.  They are very squirmy and sometimes wake up at 1am and ask if it is time to feed cows?

When I woke up, my nephew was still asleep and David was in the kitchen getting coffee.  I decided to tiptoe out of there and let him sleep.  I went to the bathroom and I heard him calling from the bedroom:

Nephew (sounding like a zombie):Tayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-Werrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

David popped his head in and said good morning to him.

Nephew (sounding like he had just consumed 8 cups of coffee):  David!  Let’s feed the cows!  They need their breakfast!  I will help you.  I want Taylor to help me potty and you to help me get dressed.  And then we will feed the cows. 

It was all very precious.

***

Saturday Night.

On Saturday night, we were all happily chatting and visiting on our back deck.  I saw someone walking towards us.  I did a headcount and determined the person walking towards us was not one of us.

It was a stranger!  He just came walking up out of the cow pen!  He would have had to jump our fence to get in there.

This was a very unusual situation.  We have had deer trespass and sometimes a moose, but never a HUMAN BEING.

He was quite nice, but very confused.  The whole thing was very strange.  Apparently he was hiking and got a bit lost.  He lived a couple of miles away and David drove him home.

When David pulled up the man’s home, there was a lady in the driveway.

“Oh.  I see you brought Gil home.”

And then she disappeared.

So that was different.

Anyways, I must hop in the shower and then make a bunch of videos.  But remember, I don’t work like David does, so I must just be doing those videos for my own kicks and grins.

Later, Dudes.